doing from love

doing from guilt shame anger yields a shaky result.  resentment colors the work.  pollutes the result.  if physics tells us anything Einstein stating the observer affects the outcome is supported.  logically speaking infinitesimal physical energy is transferred.  

infinitesimal psychic physical energy as yet not measurable (the machines to track and record not created yet)  electro-magnetic field energy.  the energy felt by prey animals when targeted by predators.  

creating making from love results in satisfying nurturing feelings of self love.  newton's law of equal opposite action reaction physics.  

right side of my skull is hurting.  probably from whiplash contra coup injury sustained 2014 fall when my right leg collapsed and i hit the ground i.e. concrete front porch apron.  i lay there 10 minutes wondering if i should call 911.  eventually i was able to pick myself up and continue 7 am.  i went to Kaiser gave me a cane.  

Oct 30-sat i went Maria safe way looking for free sanitizer gym 2 safe way and inventory clerk checked stockroom none.  at least he tried.  soaked in the tub stretching resting.  cut my nails dressed slowly.  went back to safe way to use rest room remodeled 1 at a time.  to woman waiting i remarked if everyone got vaccine we could get back to normal and she believes in paranoid chipping, lab created conspiracy.  scary the people walking around.  i considered my options-i could go to sv or cup library, opted for 5th safe way on a quest.  bought clearance sanitizer dollar 40.  sat and thought.  mailed insurance and decided to drive home to rest.  

remembered to call register for back seminar.  called toke thanked her for lead and rolls from cost co.

Oct 31-i forgot it's Halloween.  ok i'm obsessed with the broken gutter.  i waited 'til 9 am to cut the tree branches using the pruner and stick saw i taped together with masking tape.  it was too hot and sunny after 10 minutes.  i picked up fruit.  my arms are no longer itchy or swollen from the vaccinations 5 days ago.  hurray!!  i want to go to soak in the tub i know i don't want to drive.  i don't feel like changing work clothes.

as is i drove to lucky's 1 mi tons of free teddy's ginger ale, clearance pork bits, 2 bags almonds 3x points.  and i'm done.  

watching celebrity wheel makes me laugh happy!

SHAME

mom was ashamed her mom divorced and emigrated for a better life.  very brave.  3 month ocean voyage as steerage.  like cattle.  steer.  she shamed me for being a baby and loved diminishing me by recounting stories of me as a baby.  how i was retarded because i was late (2) walking and talking.  i had aunts, uncles, cousins who loved carrying me everywhere.  i was timid.  i was insulated by my loved ones 'til we moved here at 4.  then starting school i tested gifted 146.  maybe to balance my autism or because of for survival.   

i won't qualify fcc program stipend.  next year gross 32 k.  Cathy left message did i follow up.  i do still want to call Josepha for therapy help.  lord knows i need help.  i still have to restrain myself from messing with the rain gutter.  i'm so used to fixing things on my own that hurts my back.  all those years of damaging my back starting with taking care of the parents.  cleaning the gutters in the rain, clearing the weeds, hauling 4 buckets of fruit a day to the senior center for years to ungrateful complaining people just like my family.

ok i get it.  the rain gutter is a not doing lesson.  do not.

i've been sitting thinking

there must be a class today parking is full.  it was staff of free hearing test filling parking lot 'til noon.

i'm feeling terrified.  like 1976 when i had agoraphobia before i knew about the family tradition of suicide i was afraid to drive.  i had panic and anxiety attacks to the point i thought i'd die behind the wheel of my car killing some innocent.  it stopped while shopping with ex and feeling faint.  when i told him he moved away from me making me so angry the panic and anxiety were gone.  i learned.  angry people are fighting off feelings. 

moved car for internet.  all i must do is survive today.  

i went to renew ira.  now in liquid money market.  no required withdrawal 'til next year.  so i can decide later, i have more time.   

i need therapy

saw art's scooter outside Walgreen's and he was inside.  pharmacy one line for everything so long wait.  then she didn't give me form to fill out.   failed to tell me i needed my vax card i had to go get it, good i kept it in the car.  i have to make a copy.

i'm feeling angry at inefficiency.  'happy healthy wealthy wise'.  

Lydia gave me the shot.  i talked to Robert from Trader Joe waiting over an hour.  my butt hurts from sitting.  terrible chairs.  wait 10 minutes for reaction.

i forgot to reopen page and returned to seniors.  my flu shot itches nothing on booster.  i'm feeling tired of doing.  i'm feeling childhood terror.  waiting for family to punish me.  

tcb-nothing changes if nothing changes

i'm making small changes.  whenever fear or anxiety shows up i use affirmations to change my chemistry.  i don't know why i never used it before.  it works.  i can only think one thought at a time.  

Cathy sent the fcc papers like she said she would.  i've been surrounded by people who let me down and i'm feeling old disappointment leaving my body.  we talked for 50+ about our families.  she's been in therapy 30 years.  

so tired

my right hip hurts so badly i considered staying home.  2 back braces help.  i took my time driving in the rain.  it stopped as i arrived senior center.  so i showered exercised stretched feeling better.  i ate citrus drops all day because the pain caused nausea. 1972 i went to 4 doctors trying to alleviate my pain and nausea.  i lost weight living on lemon drops not being able to eat.

5:45 pm toke left sushi.  i didn't know what to eat for dinner and she brought it.  i didn't want to drive more today.  driving distorts my pelvis.  

she called to let me know it was on front porch and i thanked her for dinner.  i chopped some lettuce.  i told her about Evelyn and George Gerraci.  toke was concerned her dementia auntie was talking to deceased brother toke's dad.  so i explained how the beloved come to help cross them over.  George had Alzheimer's a year.  each 2 nights before he passed Evelyn woke at 3 am by George talking with deceased relatives.  then he peacefully went.  Helen is doing the same by sleeping a lot.  she's tired.  i know the feeling.  i must have more to do and be.

sat 10/23-i'm being gentle with myself practicing non judgment.  so many 'should's in my head.  i woke 3:30.  dozed watching season 3 of 'mom' until 7 am.  made jerky omelet added avocado in lettuce wrap.  i have no appetite but get low blood sugar shakes.  so i eat.  

my skull and right neck hurt so badly i feel sick in my stomach.  i took willow and massaging base of skull and right temple around eye socket.  i'm crocheting pockets while i wait out the pain.  i'm using the pain energy in my affirmations.  

doing affirmations i raise my energy and therefor the energy of the planet.  i know i'm clearing the negativity here.  when i lived on radio ave a neighbor commented and commended me for raising the energy.  my passion purpose is to leave this world a better place than when i came here.  

sun 24-not driving is what my back needs.  and not doing the yard or cleaning gutters on ladders in the rain as i've done so many years.  the guilt nags at me.  i just did mindlessly as i was trained to do.  taking care of their business following orders that became unspoken i was so well trained, habituated.  me and Pavlov.

3 pm break in the weather i put out recycle and garbage bins, picked up fruit, put it in shower to dry and noticed leaf clogged gutter is pulling away from garage roof.  i can rejoice it's always going to be something and this is minor.  wow i'm different.  i'm rereading 'you can heal your life' 2017 printing.  

showered

left shoulder blade sore from dumping bike 19??   my ankle hurt so bad i didn't notice the shoulder 'til 20? years later Dr. Gail Hume asked how i jammed the 3rd rib into my spine.  took me a week to remember.  Kaiser just x-ray ed ankle after i insisted.  so when she checked my ankle a bone had been out of place all those years too.  

Kaiser.  it all depends on the doctor you have.

i'm having childhood flashbacks physically, mentally, emotionally of abuse, being hit, slapped, burned, stuck with pins.  mom and alien.  disease is  un forgiveness.

been to $tore

my small tube of mastic disappeared from hanging on door.  i bought a tube and 3 movies and vitamin c.  

feeling so tired.  still a little under the weather.  could be the rain.  it's almost like i'm allergic to rain.  i showered exercised and computed in locker room and upstairs.  my back feels so weak and unstable.  

i picked up lunch visited the gang with toke and came home noon.  ate  and lay down.  watched 'mom' slept 2 hours so relaxed.  body got achy.  if i stretch every 2 hours i could rest well.  

forgot to open page

Tuesday 10/19

i realize injury radiates from the point of impact.  like shock waves the pressure is dissipated throughout the body.  

avocado facial

i'm using the skin.  i use the lunch containers for veg prep and discard at seniors.  so perfect full circle.  showered exercised at 9 avoiding creepy mouse lady.  

i computed in the locker room, at the fireplace desk and upstairs.  loaded lucky's free seltzer water and safe way select pizza.  picked up lunch and walked out with toke.  she brought me fence repair lead.  i don't know if i want to replace it.  i've always wanted cyclone fence.  looks so clean and see through.  i'll wait.  i gave her my copy of la Ronde article auntie sent me from Hawaii.

i went to college safe way 2 clearance shrimp zucchini spaghetti salads and rice crackers.  i have 'til 19th to redeem pizza.  the salad was twice the price in wrong place.  i considered returning salads but i'm worth it.   i want to try zucchini noodles.  

i went to lucky's walked store only seltzer.  talked to store Cathy.  

i remembered to pay consumer cellular due tomorrow i may not want to drive.  no reception at st just i continued to back main.  then home for lunch 1 pm.  i ate 5 ounces rice crackers and slept an hour watching tv.  feeling sick.  i ate second half b'fast sandwich.  i put zucchini salad garlic butter in cup for toast later.  

rested Saturn day felt sick coughing, runny nose caught bug from coughing man didn't cover mouth in hot tub Thursday.  vitamin c all day.  picking up fruit 9 am toke left p b cookies, pomegranate and copy of la Ronde restaurant article from auntie on front porch.  i remember going when i was 8 or 9.  i called toke to thank her and we reminisced a bit, sharing memories of childhood.  i read my library joke books to cheer me up, watched 'purple rain'.  glad i never paid for movie ticket.  i made pasta small shells and 2 tuna with sour cream and half tomato sauce and cooked the salads for lunch and dinner with other half of sauce.  i've never enjoyed cooking having started at 8 yrs old and never been appreciated only punished for screwing up.  

sun day 4:30 woke back hurting as usual.  feeling sad and hopeless from childhood.  i recognize the feeling as being very old.   b'fast i ate half the pasta in lettuce wraps.  pain better by 10:30.  i still don't feel like going out.  my parents were never home weekends.  it was just me and misty home all weekend.  alien gone with her friends.  

12:30 Cathy de medio called while waiting for the bus.  lovely 20 minute catch up.  i envy her living in senior living.  no upkeep worries.  everyone on the same page.  she thanked me for Halloween card and stickers so i know auntie got hers..  

celebrity wheel 2-pumping iron at muscle beach

in the locker room 9 am

good internet reception.  woo hoo!  listened you tube.  better and better.  little things mean a lot.  big things are gargantuan.  

i showered exercised stretched a lot.  listened to you tube while changing.  went upstairs to finish computing and charging.  picked up lunch 11:30 talked to toke.  bookmobile returned movies picked up 'purple rain' even 'tho i don't like prince.  drove to cup library remembered utilities due paid online.  ate a little mediocre lunch.  

realized i could hot tub went to g-1.  alien type in hot tub told me to shower after i'd washed my hair.  i told her i had.  i pointedly ignored her.  soaked 20 minutes stretching. 

home in time for "love boat" finished lunch.  stretching my brain and body.  

feeling weird.

i get it.  i don't have to listen to anyone ever again.  i don't have to hear them.  they don't matter.  they're just trying to feel important.  

oh feeling sick. went to seniors 9 and stayed 'til 1:30

i remembered to look for joke books.  i need to laugh.  i checked mission and went directly close at 2.  picked up star trek too.

watching 'closer' when her mom dies and how supportive her honey was.  tom wouldn't even listen.  and all the times i listened to his repeated whining about his brother being mean to him.  

my skull and right side of neck hurt.  tailbone.  

fence blew down yesterday-indigenous people day

i went out noon to pick up fruit and the sidewalk was covered in fence.  i freaked out tried to pick it up.  my back neck talking to me.  right side skull is still sore.  i called Jason from June weed clearing fireman Nick answered.  city closed holiday.  he offered to call around to find out what to do.  when he called back he had permission from his captain to come by 2:30-3.  he showed up 3:30 surveyed situation and called for another firetruck.  waiting i told him of taking care of mom and dad and he shared after his divorce he moved next door to his parents in Saratoga with his daughter.  he's second gen fire fighter.  i advised him to hire professionals to care for his parents as they age.  it's too hard emotionally as well as physically.  

i woke racked with pain.  it's taken all day to work through the pain.  my tailbone is sore.  my face and body itch from the high winds blowing.  i showered exercised computed.  i don't care no guilt.  i'm no longer obsessing.  hurray!!  i was late picking up lunch toke was later.  i gave her avocados.  hurray i didn't have to drop at her home.

i mailed Halloween cards, used expiring just 4 u coupons safe way 5 soup, stag chili, 98 cent lettuce for $3.58.  felt so successful i went Walmart paid pge and bought nicotine gum.  home 1:30 i wasn't hungry but i ate my gristly lunch before my blood sugar drops and i get the shakes like yesterday.  

i'm taking time off

yesterday i rested.  tomorrow seniors closed.

today i went gym-2 soaked in hot tub and cooled in pool 10 am.  11 went to sunny vale library.  looks like they're open tomorrow so i came home 12:30.  i forgot to bring lunch.

i put out garbage bin without back brace BIG mistake.  my back is screaming, stomach messed up.  i keep biting my lip chewing on the right.  Big mistake.  oh, well.  i'm not perfect i'm a work in progress. 

i don't like talking.

most people just like the sound of their own voice and don't listen.  don't hear anyone else.  attention starved.  energy vampires.  

i used to spend hours on the phone listening to the family drone on about the drama in their lives.  i used to think i liked talking on the phone.  i don't believe i ever did.  i was just expected to listen.  conditioned to enable them.  Tom used me to entertain Della.  his family was one of petty jealousies too.  we had so much in common at the beginning and diverged.

delighted 4 quarters change machine

proves change is good.

i decided to celebrate

misty's b'day.  i took package of oreos and half gallon chocolate milk i gave to inge to distribute.  i always sent cards and bought cakes or pies for everyone's b'days.  dad's favorite pie was lemon meringue until i bought a nation's custard.  and mom loved Aki's guava cake.  it gives me joy to bring joy.

i kept waking up and stayed in bed 'til 7.  

i remembered to check mission c u and finished banking for this month except for ira.

i think i figured it out

if i don''t click reconnect and re open it connection disappears.  

i went to dollar store and found Halloween cards, amber wash, clearance plastic wrap and tall bags.  then seniors #1 spot.  washed hair, exercised, stretched, computed.  i picked up lunch and went st just pantry.  considered Chris no avocados.  

home i gave avocados to postman parked in front of me.  took me half hour to unload, sort and put away groceries.  i ate fatty rosemary chicken lunch 12:30.  tried whole grain brown rice crackers.  pretty good.  

lovely cool.  watered porch plants.  my pelvis is so sore.  skin is smooth again.  i was feeling like tree bark.  

finished shower exercise stretching

i forgot chrome charger and ear buds at home so i used chrome only for wheel.  i forgot to look for 'star trek.'  i'm in the mood for familiar action.  gerde drove in as i was leaving so i flagged her down to park #2 i took out her walker and she gave me 10 new white cotton panties.  i left to pick up st just pantry and closed Mondays so i went to chase for banking and dropped off fruit at Toki's.  home 11:45 'f troop'.  

when i woke 4:30 i thought it was Tuesday.  i stayed in bed 'til 7 and ate mac cheese b'fast.  heaven!  i love leftovers.  i put out recycle bin.  seniors at 8 #4 parking spot.  i showered and exercised remembering the class at 9 i stretched first.  

11 min experiment

i tried to re purpose extra blog but didn't work.  i did some computing at s v library after g 2 shower and soak.  thinking of checking out dollar store.  i got amber wash, cards, stickers, burrito i've been wanting and clearance 25 cent foam hand soap.  

1 pm home for 'concentration.'  i made mac 'n cheese again.  Kraft is better.  cooked broccoli and left over chicken.  the shelf milk is still good from 2015.  

i watched 2014 black 'Annie' for the first time.  I'ma borrow it if i can find it.  and spell check accepted that.  i cut my nails and typing is so much easier.  i consider typing work.  i hear Maynard G Krebs from 'Dobie Gillis' in my head saying work.   

60 minutes Facebook and tony Bennett good reports.

celebrity wheel-your guess is as good as mine, i'll never hear the end of this.  so on a great week i can watch 7 nights.

i'm so glad

i woke up when plastic canister fell 4:30.  i watched 'avengers infinity war'.  so much fighting i found it boring.  i'm doing what i feel.  and i feel good.  i stretched.  i may stay home all day.  i folded put away laundry, picked up a bag of fruit.  

i caught part of 'Misty of Chincoteague' movie on channel 42.  i read so many horse stories by Margeurite Henry and 'black stallion' by Walter Farley.  i remember trying to find the movie when i was a kid.  i got to watch it today for free.  and a new movie for me 'You'll find out' starring Peter Lorre, Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi along with 'the ghost and Mrs Muir' Rex Harrison, Gene Tierney.  only the best classic movies survive.  video heaven.

i got a letter and $20 from auntie!!!!

laff laundry closed 8 am

completely gutted.  it's been slow since pandemic and school is just finally reopened.  

seniors downstairs has 2 table and chairs for computing charging.  the pools are still 'closed'.  when i mentioned to janitor don the pool toys he blamed Albert's kid.  no reason for kid's toys to be here unless they were using pools.  i hope i don't look that stupid.

i picked up lunch and came to lucky laundry Lincoln-Scott.  back parking lot more convenient and 3 load $3.25 compared to Laff $4.50.  i may go back to seniors.  i'm the boss.  

back at seniors same #1 parking losing shade getting hotter.  allergies bad today.  i computed for an hour listening to healing and ate half my lunch.  when i pulled in i had waited for 3 Asians standing talking their native language to move from space #1.  when leaving i backed up and younger old man moves in front of my car telling me i have to go all around parking lot.  then he starts trying to insult me don't i understand English in his heavily accented voice.  i told him i've probably been speaking English longer than he meaning his second language and he assumes i'm older than him saying i think the rules don't apply to me anymore because i'm older.  the woman asks me to placate him so i ask them are they they parking lot police, no.  he tries to get the older old man to get someone from inside.  no, he doesn't want to go.  he tells me he never argues so i ask him what he thinks he's doing.  i asked him why he wants to give himself high blood pressure this is so silly.  he says his blood pressure is fine 70/100 low blood pressure.  

so i pull back into my space to get them out of the road and the car in front of me leaves and i follow it out of the lot.  got home unloaded car with cart and hung clothes.  watched my 'love boat.' 

what a trip.  i opened page for tomorrow if it stays without connection.  yay! it did so far.