second in line

EVEN THOUGH IT ONLY TOOK 5 MINUTES TO DRIVE THE 3 MILES I WAS SECOND IN LINE.  I HEAR THE ECHOES OF MY FAMILY CRITICIZING.  CALLING ME NAMES.  I GUESS THAT'S WHAT THIS TIME IS HELPING ERASE.  I'M GLAD I GOT HERE EARLY TO SIT IN THE SHADE.  MOM AND DAD COULDN'T BE BOTHERED WITH MY COLLEGE GRADUATION BUT THEY ATTEMPTED MY COUSIN'S COLLEGE AND NIECE AND NEPHEW HIGH SCHOOL.  IN BOTH CASES DAD'S JEALOUSY PROVOKED A FIGHT THAT CAUSED THEM TO RETURN HOME MISSING ALL CELEBRATIONS.  THOSE CRAZY KIDS.  ALWAYS WITH OTHER GUESTS IN THE CAR.  IT WAS WEIRD THAT AILEEN SENT HER KIDS THEIR LAST YEAR JUST SO THEY COULD WEAR THE CAP AND GOWN, EXPERIENCE THE CEREMONY BUT SHE HOME SCHOOLED THEM, ISOLATED THEM FROM A NORMAL CHILDHOOD. 

I DON'T UNDERSTAND MAGPIE PEOPLE.  CHATTERING AWAY.  IT'S LOVELY COOL AND QUIET EXCEPT FOR THE OCCASIONAL WALKERS.  I'M READING THE SHOPPING ADS AND I'M CAUGHT UP ON AARP MAGAZINES.  I'M SO TIRED OF SHOPPING.

I'M SITTING DOING ISOMETRICS.  POPPING AND CRACKING.  I GET CARRIED AWAY IF I DO THEM AT HOME.  SO MANY DISTRACTIONS.  I KEEP THINKING OF THINGS TO DO, FIX AND JUMP UP AND ENTERTAIN MYSELF GOING UNCONSCIOUS.  HERE IN THE CAR I HAVE TO BE. 

TOMORROW STARTS ANOTHER MONTH.  MOM'S BIRTHDAY.  MAYDAY.  HELP.

terrible 2's

WHENEVER A NEW COGNITIVE CONNECTION IS BEING MADE FRUSTRATION IS FELT.  MICROSCOPIC VIRUSES ARE PUSHING PEOPLE TO IMPROVE BEHAVIOR OR BECOME EXTINCT.

AND THE MEEK=TEACHABLE INHERIT THE EARTH.  I HOPE NEXT MONTH IS BETTER.  I'M LOSING TRACK OF THE MAN MADE CONSTRUCT OF TIME.  MAYBE WHY I LOVE CLOCKS AND CALENDARS.  

I'M GETTING TO BE MY AUTISTIC SELF.  I DON'T HAVE TO CONFORM.  THE WORLD IS LIVING MY LIFE.  THE SHOCK IS WEARING OFF.  

I WAS FORCED TO SMILE AND PARTICIPATE IN THINGS I DIDN'T LIKE AND LOST KNOWING WHAT I LIKE.  WITH THE ENTIRE WORLD ISOLATED THEY'RE LIVING MY CHILDHOOD.  NO ONE IN MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY LOVED ME.  MITZI AND AILEEN DON'T EVEN KNOW THEY FOLLOW MOM AND DAD DOOMING THEMSELVES AND THEIR CHILDREN.  

I WENT NEW/WINCHESTER LAUNDRY AND WASHED.  I HAVE TO REMEMBER FACE MASK.  I HAVE TO CHECK SCOTT DOUBLE LOAD PRICE.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I LEFT MONOPOLY.  THE COUPON FOR SMOG TEST I PUT AWAY SO AUTOMATICALLY I THOUGHT I LOST IT.  

I GOT TO SENIORS BEFORE 10.  3 CARS AHEAD.  LOT OF FISH SANDWICH, TARTAR SAUCE, SWEET POTATO, TASTELESS MAYO COLESLAW I ADDED SLICED ALMONDS SUNFLOWER SEEDS.   

resistance

I WOKE KNOWING THE REPROGRAMMING IS WORKING.  THE LEVEL OF RESISTANCE IS IN MY DNA.  I'M CHANGING ON A CELLULAR LEVEL. 

THOUGHTS ARE THE ONLY THING WE CAN CONTROL.  WE CAN IMPROVE HEALTH ONLY THROUGH THINKING.  OUR THOUGHTS GENERATE CHEMICALS AND CHEMICALS DIRECT BODY FUNCTIONS, EMOTIONS, THOUGHTS.  WE CAN CONTINUE THE CYCLE STAY ON THE SAME PATH OR INTERRUPT AND REDIRECT TO A NEW DESTINATION.

I'M STILL WORRYING OVER WHAT TO DO.  I'M STILL REMINDING, RE MINDING, MYSELF I NEED NOT WORRY.  THAT'S DEEPLY INGRAINED FROM BEFORE BEING BORN.  I KNOW MOM AND DAD MADE WORRY A FAMILY TRADITION.  IF ONLY SOMETHING POSITIVE COMES FROM IT.  (SIGH) 

I WENT TO WALMART FOR GUM AND BOUGHT HALF ROTISSERIE CHICKEN 2.25.  WHOLE 7.97 GO FIGURE.  MUST BE DIFFERENT SIZED BIRDS.  SO I'M SET FOR DINNER.  SUPPLEMENTAL LUNCH TOO IF IT'S TINY.  I FORGOT MY MASK VALLEY FAIR SAFEWAY.  GOT 3 FREE THINGS AND 14 GAME PIECES.  RUNNING OUT.  ONE MORE WEEK.

9;45 DELIBERATED GETTING IN LUNCH LINE OR WASHING LAUNDRY.  EARLY OR LATE.  I DECIDED TO CHECK OUT LINE.  NEVER BEEN SO EARLY.  3 CARS AT 10.  TUESDAYS TRADITIONALLY PACKED.  DON'T KNOW WHY.  FRIDAYS I FIGURE 2 MEALS. 

I CAN DO WASH TOMORROW. 

what to do

HE WHO SENT ME IS DIRECTING ME.  PUT OUT BINS.

10;31 IN LUNCH LINE.  WENT TO SCU SAFEWAY.  I'VE WANTED TO GIVE ART DONUTS SO I DID AS HE WAS WALKING PAST MY CAR.  HE SAID HE WAITS 'TIL EVERYONE'S GONE AND GETS EXTRA LUNCH. 

fear

i thought i saw a mouse in the bathroom.  better than one of my sisters. 

i was dreading going to walmart for nicotine.  i couldn't find the last 2 cards of 10 gum piece.  i put it with the daily word.  i found a rayon peasant blouse that fits perfectly. 

i want to make something.  i don't know what. 

do nothing day

i've become my do nothing parents. 

nothing on tv

TV HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY LOYAL COMPANION.  IT'S ALWAYS HERE FOR ME.  IT'S GETTING SILLIER.  NFL DRAFT COVERAGE, PRES TRUMP'S RIDICULOUS STATEMENTS.  HE HAS NO MEDICAL BACKGROUND AND GIVES MEDICAL ADVICE OFF THE TOP OF HIS HEAD ON NATIONAL TV.  HE SUGGESTS UV LIGHT AND DISINFECTANT TO KILL INTERNAL VIRUS.  KILLS THE PATIENT TOO.  HE'S THE FIRST PRES ADDICTED TO ATTENTION.  HE HAS TO BE IN THE NEWS EVERY DAY.  I WONDER WHAT HE'LL DO WHEN HIS TIME IS UP.

AFTER WEARING MY NEW LONG STRETCH DENIM SKIRT I FEEL LIKE ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.  I STARTED MONDAY ADJUSTING TO MAKE A 3 X INTO AN 18.  I FIRST THOUGHT I'D MAKE A DRESS ADDING A BODICE.  NOTHING LOOKED RIGHT.  THE ASYMMETRICAL PATCH WORK PANELS WERE TOO BUSY.  AND I NOTICED A LOT OF OVERSTRETCHED BROKEN SEAMS.  I PLANNED ON TAKING IN 6 INCHES.  WHEN I ADJUSTED PINNING AND RE PINNING, BASTING I ENDED TAKING IN 8 SNUG INCHES.  USING THE ORIGINAL WAIST BAND I CUT IT VERY CLOSE.  AND FINISHED THE BUTTONHOLE THIS MORNING.  I WORE IT FEELING WONDERFUL.

YESTERDAY'S GONE

I WROTE OF GOING TO COSTCO FOR GAS, DROP OFF AT TOKI'S AND DRIVING CABRILLO AND THE POST DISAPPEARED.  HUH.

GUESS I DIDN'T NEED IT.  OR IT WENT TO SOME OTHER REALITY.

CHANGING WORLD

LETTERS YESTERDAY CHASE IS CLOSING SOME BRANCHES AND REDUCING HOURS, CSAA 20% REFUND DUE TO REDUCED DRIVING.

WHILE ON THE NEWS PROTESTERS ARE RISKING LIVES FOR ATTENTION.  IF THEY GET SICK IT'S EXPONENTIAL.  THEN THEY GET THE ATTENTION THEY CRAVE AND DEMAND.

I THINK MY MUSCLES ARE FINALLY UNLOCKED.  I'M  MORE JIGGLY.  I CAN RETRAIN AND HEAL.  AS LONG AS IT WAS LOCKED NO IMPROVEMENT.  EXERCISE JUST SPED UP CIRCULATION INCREASED HEAT.

I'M GRATEFUL FOR THE DIVERSION OF CHROME BOOK.

I SAW COMMERCIAL FOR PANCAKE SYRUP AND WONDERED WHERE I PUT REDEEMED FREEBIES.  I LOOKED ALL OVER HOUSE TRYING TO REMEMBER WHAT ELSE I GOT.   I DIDN'T EVEN MISS THEM.  I LEFT THEM BEHIND DRIVER'S SEAT SINCE THUR 16.  WOW AM I RELAXED. 

I'M LOVING EATING ICEBERG LETTUCE.  SO SWEET.  I'M SO PICKY ABOUT THE SWEETS I EAT.  I LOVE MUSTARD AND MAYO.  CHIPS ESPECIALLY POTATO.  MOST CHOCOLATE IN ANY FORM.  ONLY CERTAIN DONUTS. 

I DON'T KNOW WHY MY PHONE CHIRPS EVERY FEW HOURS.  10;28 I'M SITTING IN LUNCH LINE.  I WENT TO DOLLAR STORE FOR MOUTHWASH.  NO REUSABLE BAGS ALLOWED.  I'LL JUST BUY ARMFULS.  I DON'T WANT ANY MORE PLASTIC BAGS.

FEAR

FALSE
EVIDENCE
APPEARS
REAL

FEAR IS INNATE.  FEAR AND LOVE ARE HARDWIRED.  BABIES HAVE EMOTIONS.  EMOTIONS ARE CHEMICAL.  WHICH IS WHY CHEMICAL ADDICTIONS ARE SO TRADITIONAL.  HANK WILLIAMS JR 'FAMILY TRADITION.'  DRUGS, ALCOHOL, FOOD, EVERYTHING PHYSICAL IS CHEMICAL.  CHEMICAL = PSYCHOLOGICAL AND VICE VERSA.  WE MUST LOVE.  WHY WE HAVE SO MANY BAD RELATIONSHIPS.

FEAR IS A CHOICE.  WE CAN HOLD ONTO OR CHANGE IT. 

I WASN'T ALLOWED A LIFE.  MY FRIENDS WERE CRITICIZED AND UNWELCOME.  SO I DIDN'T KEEP ANY.  MY SUCCESSES WERE JUST LUCK.  I WASN'T ALLOWED ANY POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES.  I WAS LABELED WEIRD, CRAZY, LAZY, SNEAKY.  WHAT WAS REALLY WEIRD WAS OVERHEARING MY MOM BRAGGING ABOUT ME ON THE PHONE AS IF SHE ACCOMPLISHED MY SUCCESSES.  LATER I LEARNED ABOUT PSYCHOLOGICAL PROJECTION.  YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE WITHIN YOU.  JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED.  YOU JUDGE YOURSELF BY WHAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH..

MY BACK IS PRESENTING ME WITH THE OPPORTUNITY TO EXAMINE MY LIFE AND DECIDE WHAT, WHERE, WHO I WANT TO BE.  I WANT TO BE PHYSICALLY STRONG AND HEALTHY.  I AM KIND = I TREAT OTHERS AS THEY TREAT ME.  GOLDEN RULE.  HINDUISM.

PAID DISCOVER

OVER A MONTH OF ISOLATING.  SUCH AN UNIMAGINABLE EXISTENCE.  AND PRESIDENT TRUMP CONTINUES TO PLAY LIFE LIKE A TV GAME SHOW.  GAMBLING NOT JUST THE ECONOMY BUT PEOPLES LIVES.  PEOPLE DEPENDING ON HIM TO MAKE SOUND DECISIONS AND HE'S STILL PLAYING TO POPULARITY AND GREED.  HE DOESN'T SEEM CONCERNED OR VALUE HUMAN LIFE. 

OOH, OOH.  WATCHING PBS LONGEVITY PARADOX, DR STEVEN GUNDRY. 

GUESS I'M DOING TOO MUCH.  I STABBED EYE OF NEEDLE INTO MY RIGHT HAND GETTING UP FROM CHAIR.  I USED THE ARM AS PIN CUSHION.  OH, WELL.  NOT THE FIRST TIME MAYBE THE LAST.  HOPEFULLY MY TETANUS IS CURRENT.  DIDN'T BLEED BUT PALM BRUISED AND FINGERS COLD STIFF.  SHOCK.

I'M WATCHING GAME SHOWS WHILE I WORK ON SEWING AND DOING PUZZLES.  I CLEARED A SPACE ON COUCH MAKING A NEST.  PEOPLE KEPT MAKING PLANS FOR MY HOUSE TRYING TO USE ME AS THE OLD MAID.  KAREN TINSDALE, PATTY CRUZ, MITZI MARTIN, TOM MONTOYA, ETC. 

I CLEANED SOME LETTUCE.  IT WAS DROPPED AND BRUISED UNDERNEATH.  I SORTED AND PUT IN SENIOR SANDWICH.  PESTO POTATO TUNA FOR DINNER.

satisfied

I WOKE AT 8 STIFF AND SORE ABLE TO STRETCH OUT ALL KINKS.  PAIN IS BLOCKAGE.  MY BACK AND STOMACH ARE NORMALIZING.  MY HEAD AND NECK NEED LOVE NOW.  MEMORIES OF MOM AND DAD HITTING ME IN THE HEAD WITH THEIR ANGER AND FRUSTRATIONS ARISE AS I FOCUS ON THOSE MUSCLES.  I HAVE TO CHUCKLE AT MOM SCOLDING DAD WHEN SHE HIT HARDER.  SUCH HYPOCRITES. 

PBS 9.2 LEE ALBERT'S 3 STEPS TO PAIN FREE LIVING.  LESS STRESS/EFFORT.  WHEN I WAS BEDRIDDEN I WATCHED A LOT OF PBS.  I WAS TOO WEAK TO EVEN HOLD A BOOK.  YOGA THAT WORKED AT 25 TO GET ME TO 'NORMALCY' DIDN'T WORK AT 51.  ONE TIME THEY RAN A PROGRAM FROM NY ON WALKING.  EVERYONE THINKS THEY KNOW HOW BUT I NOTICED ONLY LYNDA CARTER WALKED PROPERLY.

AND NOW AT 69 I NEED SOMETHING NEW.  MY CHEMISTRY CONTINUES TO EVOLVE WITH AGE. 

I SUPPORTED PBS 1969-76 THE EARLY YEARS.   DAYS OF MONTY PYTHON AND NO, HONESTLY.

DISAPPEARED

IT VANISHED WHEN I PUBLISHED.  I THOUGHT IT WAS POSSIBLE TO VIEW DRAFT ONLINE BUT I GUESS NOT.

I JUST FOUND OUT THE BACK ARROW TAKES ME TO OLDER POSTS.  EVERYTHING I WROTE TODAY DISAPPEARED WHEN I PUBLISHED SO I GUESS IT'S GONE FOREVER.

MY ZOMBIE SISTERS SEALED THEIR FATE WHEN THEY IGNORED AND TORTURED MOM AND DAD AND ME.  THEIR BIOLOGY HAS BEEN DETERMINED BY THEIR CHOICES.  THEIR IRREVOCABLE GENETIC CONNECTION HAS BEEN PROGRAMMED BY THEIR BEHAVIOR.  MOM AND DAD CHOSE NOT TO CHANGE THEIR BEHAVIOR AND IT WAS LIKE WATCHING A SLOW TRAIN WRECK.  WHEN THEY ASKED ME TO HELP THEM I FELT IT WAS MY LIFE PURPOSE TO SHOW THEM A DIFFERENT LIFE FULL OF CHOICES.

YES, IT'S DIFFICULT.  YES, IT'S MORE WORK.  AND MORE REWARDS.

BECAUSE OF THE GENETIC CONNECTION THEY CAN'T TREAT US THAT WAY AND WALK AWAY.  IT'S LOCKED IN THEIR DNA.  'JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED'  YOU CONDEMN YOURSELF BY YOUR JUDGMENTS.  CRUELTY TO OTHERS TELLS THE BODY THE DESIRED CHOICES.  PREDETERMINES THE OUTCOME.  TALK ABOUT BAGGAGE.

NOTHING I CAN DO FOR MY SISTERS DUE TO THEIR CHOICES SO I MUST SAVE MYSELF AND LOOK AWAY.  I MUST REMEMBER I'M UNABLE TO HELP THEM.  I CAN'T LET THEM PULL ME DOWN WITH THEM.  I CAN'T FOOL MYSELF INTO THINKING I CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE TO THOSE WHO DON'T WANT HELP.

I REMEMBERED I WROTE HEAVEN IS IN ALL DIRECTIONS.  MY NAME 'GIRL CHILD REACHING HEAVEN' I'VE LIMITED MYSELF TO UP WHEN HEAVEN IS ALL AROUND.  HEAVEN IS THE UNIVERSE.  THAT'S THE PIECE I'VE LACKED.  THAT'S BEEN MY LIMITATION.

I CAN'T IMAGINE

THE KIDS GROWING UP LIVING WITH THE THREAT OF CORONA VIRUS.  AS A CHILD GROWING UP DURING THE COLD WAR WE WERE TOO CLOSE TO MOFFET. FIELD TO SURVIVE AN ATOMIC BOMB.  I KNEW THE DRILLS WE PRACTICED HIDING UNDER OUR DESKS AT SCHOOL WERE USELESS.  AND PEOPLE DIGGING SHELTERS IF THEY SURVIVED WOULD LIVE IN TERROR AND DEVASTATION.

THIS FACELESS INVISIBLE ENEMY IS SO MUCH WORSE.  THE WORLD IS UNITED FOR THE FIRST TIME AGAINST A COMMON ENEMY.  HOW WE ADAPT AND LEARN WILL DETERMINE MANKIND'S SURVIVAL.  KIDS HAVE NEW RULES TO LIVE BY.  IF THE HOMELESS AREN'T CARED FOR WE ALL SUFFER.

THIS ISOLATION IS SO DIFFERENT FROM THE SCI-FI WAR OF THE WORLDS OR ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE OR OTHER END OF THE WORLD MOVIES.  I FEEL LIKE I'M LIVING IN SOMEONE ELSE'S NIGHTMARE. 

CHRIST WAS RIGHT ADVISING TO CARE FOR THE LEAST.  WE ALL LIVE HEALTHY OR ALL SUFFER PLAGUE.

STOPPED AT HOMESTEAD SAFEWAY FOR FREEBIES.  CAN'T GO THRU' SELF CHECK SO GOT 13 TICKETS SHE SHORTED ME ONE.  CHECKER 2 GAVE ME 44 FOR 7.  I LET IT GO AND IT COMES BACK MULTIPLIED.

TOOK 40 MINUTES TO OPEN WAITING IN LUNCH LINE.  TINY CREAMED TUNA, COLD BISCUIT, ALLERGIC CANTALOUPE, TINY LETTUCE.

I.M FEELING TIRED AND SORE ALL OVER AFTER A SLEEPLESS NIGHT AND PAINFUL MEMORIES OF AILEEN SELLING 35 YEARS OF MY LIFE AT HER FORDHAM GARAGE SALE WHILE I WAS IMMOBILIZED.  MITZI HELPED HER.

THE LOCKET 1946 IS AILEEN.  I LIVED IN DENIAL FOR ALL MY LIFE.  PSYCHO.  I'VE SEEN IT A FEW TIMES.  THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I ADMIT IT'S AILEEN. 

I HAVE A NEW FAVORITE DENIM DRESS.  I NEVER WORE IT BECAUSE OF UGLY SLEEVES.  I TOOK THEM OFF, TOOK IN THE UNDER ARM.  I LOVE IT.  IT'S SO COMFORTABLE.  AND NEW.  I LOVE THE FEEL OF NEW FABRIC.  I LOVE THE FEEL OF SOFT WORN FABRIC TOO BUT I WANT IT TO LAST FOREVER.

AND I MADE OATMEAL WITH JERKY.  DELICIOUS.  NOW I KNOW WHY I BOUGHT SO MUCH JERKY ON SALE.  I DO THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND UNTIL LATER.  I BOUGHT FACE MASKS FOR GARDENING BECAUSE OF MY ALLERGIES AND STOPPED YARD WORK.  SO I HAVE THEM NOW FOR CORONA VIRUS.  YEARS AGO I BOUGHT A DOZEN BOTTLES OF PEROXIDE AND RUBBING ALCOHOL AND NOW I KNOW WHY.  PERFECT DISINFECTANTS.

I'M THANKFUL

I USED TO FEEL PUSHED TO DO AND BE.  NOW I CAN JUST BE.  I REALLY DON'T HAVE TO COOK AND CLEAN.  I STILL AM FINE.  I DON'T HAVE TO DO.  I'M FINE.  THE SOCIAL IMPERATIVES ONLY EXIST IN MY MIND / STORED IN MY BODY UNTIL I RETRAIN MY THINKING AND RELAX MY BODY.

I THINK GRATITUDE IS THE SECRET TO SUCCESSFUL LIVING.

I COULDN'T WATCH MEDIUM IN LIVING ROOM AFTER LUNCH WOULDN'T COME IN.  SO I'M SEWING IN KITCHEN.  DIVINE ORDER DAILY WORD.  I LIKE MEDIUM FOR THE PSYCHIC ASPECT.  CRIME SHOWS MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT THE WAY MY FAMILY HAS DISSED ME.  UNFORTUNATELY THEY'RE NORMAL. 

pat and mike

I WATCHED ON MOVIES TV.  I SAW 'ALFALFA' IN IT AND WENT TO WIKIPEDIA TO CHECK AND HAVE BEEN READING BIOGRAPHIES.  FASCINATING.  THINK AND GROW RICH SUGGESTS READING AUTOBIOGRAPHIES.  SO MANY PEOPLE IN THE MOVIE WERE IN MANY OTHER MOVIES THAT I'VE SEEN GROWING UP. 

BEN FRANKLIN'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY IS AMAZINGLY MODERN.  HE PUT A CARTOON AT THE END.  I READ IT 35 YEARS AGO.  ALONG WITH GEORGIA O'KEEFE'S APPROVED BIOGRAPHY.

COVID ISOLATION FEELS MORE BIZARRE THAN MY USUAL LIFE.  LIKE LIVING IN SOMEONE ELSE'S WAKING DREAM.  I HAVE WHAT I NEED AND STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT.  I'VE SO SELDOM RECEIVED WHAT I WANT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WANT.

let's see what the 24th holds.

TODAY'S DAILY WORD COMPASSION SAID TO REQUIRE EMPATHY AND UNDERSTANDING.  I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND DOING NEGATIVE THINGS PRETENDING GOOD.  THINKING OF MY SISTERS.  I SUPPOSE THEY'RE THE NORM.

MAYBE MY HORRIBLE LIFE IS JUST KARMIC PAYBACK.  I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR BUT DOING GOD'S WORK.

FIRST WAVE- WAKE UP CALL

COVID IS THE FIRST WORLD WIDE RECOGNIZED VIRUS.  WE'VE HAD BIRD, SWINE, ETC.  IT WILL GET WORSE CYCLICALLY YEARLY IF PATTERNS DON'T CHANGE.  MANKIND CANNOT CONTINUE TO TREAT THE PLANET AS WAR BOOTY TO BE RAPED AND PILLAGED.  INFECTION PATTERNS FOLLOW TRAVEL PATTERNS.

NATURE DESERVES AND DEMANDS RESPECT.  THIS VIRUS IS ONLY ONE OF AN INFINITE NUMBER.  WITH MUTATIONS IT'S INFINITE.  IT'S ONLY DANGEROUS TO POPULATION CONCENTRATION.  WHEN THERE WERE FEWER TOWNS AND CITIES INFLUENZA RAN ITS COURSE AND STOPPED.  PEOPLE TRAVELED LESS SPREADING GERMS. 

ALL THE COSMOPOLITAN CENTERS BECAME COVID CENTERS. 

LIKE THE AMERICAN INDIANS DYING FROM SMALL POX INFECTED BLANKETS HAVING NO RESISTANCE OR IMMUNITY.  KARMA.  CHICKENS COMING HOME TO ROOST.  EUROPEANS SETTLED AMERICA, KILLED OFF THE NATIVES.  EUROPE HIT FIRST. 

I QUIT SMOKING LAST WEEK DECEMBER, HAD LIGHT FLU END OF JANUARY DESPITE SHOT. 

JUST READ GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY PRINTED DR ANTHONY FAUCI JAN 12 2017 WARNING OF ANTICIPATED PANDEMIC WITHIN FEW YEARS AND NECESSITY TO PREPARE.  TRUMP IGNORED HIM TWICE.

EASTER-I WANT HEAVEN

I SLEPT SO SOUNDLY WITH THE CD.  I SPENT THE ENTIRE NIGHT IN HEAVEN FEELING LOVED, SUPPORTED AND HAPPY.  I FEEL REVITALIZED.

I'VE NEVER BEFORE WANTED TO BE HERE OR ANYWHERE.  I NEVER FELT COMFORTABLE, WANTED OR LOVED HERE.  MY FAMILY HATED ME.  JEALOUSY AND ENVY WERE THE CLOSEST EMOTIONS TO LOVE.  I'VE BEEN LOVED BUT NEVER BY ANYONE I COULD BOND WITH.  MOST PEOPLE ARE PREDATOR OR PREY. 

I'VE BEEN A CONDUIT OF HEAVENLY ENERGY.  EVERYONE AROUND ME HAS THEIR LIFE IMPROVE. 
*****************
I WENT TO WOLFE INDIA 11-2 AND 4-8.  MARIA SAFEWAY 2 SEAFOOD SALADS.  I REMEMBERED TRAIL MIX AND TIN FOIL.  $V NEWSPAPER, PADS, ONE A DAY. 

I'M WATCHING BARABBAS.  PERFECT FOR EASTER SUNDAY.  I TRANSPLANTED TOKI'S LILIES.  SWEATING LIKE A SAUNA.  CAME IN TOWELED OFF.  I ATE PESTO FETUCINI FOR BREAKFAST. 

TRYING NEW THINGS

I LISTENED TO MY CD A FEW HOURS AND SHUT IT OFF.  WENT TO SLEEP.  BEFORE COVID I DROVE AROUND LISTENING TO IT.

dream 1 I HAVE TO USE BATHROOM AND JOSH DUHAMEL IS TAKING  BATH.  I THINK IT'S A MEMORY FROM CHILDHOOD.  DAD PRANCING AROUND NAKED WHEN MOM WORKED SWING SHIFT.  I SPENT MY CHILDHOOD OUT OF BODY WATCHING MY LIFE INSTEAD OF LIVING IT.

dream 2 I'M LIVING IN A ROSEMARY'S BABY GOTHIC APARTMENT HOUSE.  THE HALLWAY HAS TWO DOORS TO OUTSIDE.  ONE HAS THE KNOB AND LATCH LOCKS BROKEN.  I TELL 2 BLONDS GET ME A HAMMER AND NAILS TO NAIL BROKEN DOOR SHUT.  I WAS ALWAYS TAKING CARE OF MY OLDER AND YOUNGER SISTER.

I HAVE 2 WAYS OF ACCESSING NEW BLOG.  FROM LIST AND VIEW.

I WENT THROUGH LOOKING FOR COIN PENDANT.  SPENT AN HOUR STROLLING ALONG MEMORY LANE.  I LOVE MY STUFF.  IT REMINDS ME OF WHO I AM AND HOW I GOT HERE.  THEY CAN TAKE MY STUFF BUT NOT WHO I AM.

angels in the outfield 1951

THE ORIGINAL IS SO GOOD IN ITS INNOCENCE.  THEY REMADE IT MANY TIMES.  NEXT ON MOVIE CHANNEL 2.3 THREE GODFATHERS 1948.  I LIKE IT EVEN BETTER.  KIND OF RUSHES THE ENDING BUT IN COLOR.  ODD WHEN ANGELS IS BLACK AND WHITE.
*******************
GOOD DAY OF RUMINATING AND RUMMAGING.  I FOUND A 2006 MERCURY NEWS BOOK REVIEW I CLIPPED ON ISOLATION NATION; JAPAN.  SO MAYBE THE SCAPEGOATING OSTRACISM I EXPERIENCE IN MY FAMILY HAS A CULTURAL BASIS.  IT WOULD EXPLAIN THE ALCOHOLISM AND SUICIDE.  LEARNED BEHAVIORS IN FAMILIES.  FAMILY TRADITIONS.  HANK WILLIAMS JR HIT SONG.

I LEARNED AS A CHILD IN READERS DIGEST PEOPLE LIVE UNQUESTIONING.  MAYBE THERE'S HOPE FOR MY NIECE AND NEPHEWS.  I PRAY FOR THEM.  OTHERWISE THEY'RE DOOMED TO REPEAT THEIR PARENTS LIVES.

FOUND MISSING GAME PIECES I DROPPED ON FLOOR.  ZEROES.

meditation-MAUNDY/COMMANDMENT THURSDAY

LYING IN THE DARK, MEMORIES OF RADIO AVE APARTMENT COME FLOODING BACK.  I BUILT A DISH RACK OVER THE TINY SINK BETWEEN THE CABINETS, PUT UP MIRRORED SQUARES.  THE ENTIRE ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT WAS A LITTLE BIGGER THAN THIS MASTER BEDROOM.  I LOVED IT.  TOOK AN HOUR TO CLEAN THE ENTIRE PLACE.  IT HAD EVERYTHING I WANTED.  I HAD ON SITE STORAGE, LAUNDRY ONE APARTMENT OVER, PARKING FRONT DOOR, A COUPLE MILES FROM FIRST CHURCH OF RELIGIOUS SCIENCE, TUB SHOWER COMBO.  GOD HAD PLANS.  LOOKING BACK I CAN SEE THE EVOLUTION.

WHEN MOM AND DAD CAME TO ME FIRST TIME EVER IN MY LIFE AT MY VIA VICO APARTMENT AND THE LANDLADY ANNOUNCED SHE WAS SELLING THE PROPERTY IT SEEMED LOGICAL TO MOVE IN WITH THEM.  DAD'S PROSTATE CANCER TERRIFIED THEM.  DAD REFUSED TO LET MOM DRIVE SO I TOOK THEM TO THEIR 7 AM APPOINTMENTS.  THE NEXT YEAR DAD HAD A TOUCH OF COLON CANCER.  THIRD YEAR MOM ATTEMPTED SUICIDE AFTER CONFIDING TO ME SHE CAME HOME FROM WORK TO FIND DAD'S DAD HAD HUNG HIMSELF FROM A TREE IN THEIR FRONT YARD THEIR FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE BECAUSE OF A CANCER DIAGNOSIS.

AND EVERY YEAR AFTER WAS A NEW AND DIFFERENT DISASTER.

ALL FOUR GRANDPARENTS DIED WITH IT.  MOM AND DAD BOTH WERE DIABETIC WITH HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SO IT GAVE ME OPTIONS WHEN THEY BOTH DIED OF HEART FAILURE.  I GET TO CHOOSE HOW I DIE.
*************************
10;43 IN LONG LINE FOR LUNCH TODAY, GOOD FRI.  I GET ONLINE SVP METER RECEPTION.

NOON COVID UPDATE CAL GOVERNOR NEWSOM POSTPONED FISHING SEASON.  MITZI'S BOGUS EXCUSE TO RUMMAGE MY STUFF.  HOT SPOTS EXTENDED FOR ONLINE.

I SORTED 2 SANDWICHES, CAN OF TOMATO SOUP, 5 FRUIT COCKTAIL, 5 MILK, 4 APPLE JUICE, 1 ORANGE, 3 APPLES, 3 RICE CRISPY TREATS, 1 BLUEBERRY MUFFIN, SLICE POUND CAKE, BAGEL CREAM CHEESE. 

MOSTLY SUGAR.  GLAD TOKI LEFT ME CUP OF HOMEMADE SOUP LAST NIGHT.

I JUST TOOK MY SUPPLEMENTS.  I USED TO CRITICIZE MYSELF LIKE I LEARNED FROM THE FAMILY.  NOW I LOVE AND FORGIVE MYSELF. 

BACK ONLINE

THE SIGNAL SEEMS STRONGER.  I HAD TO REFRESH TO SVP HOME PAGE.

I ATE PACKAGED OATMEAL.  THE SUGAR IS GIVING ME ACHE.  PROBABLY WHY I NEVER ENJOYED SWEETS AS A CHILD.  AND THE FACT THE DENTIST GAVE US CANDY.  MOM NEVER NOTICED UNTIL SHE ASKED ME ONE TIME AND I REMINDED HER CANDY CAUSES CAVITIES.  I WAS EIGHT.  SHE WAS 38.  SHE CHANGED DENTISTS.

10;38 MAYBE JUST NORTHWEST QUADRANT SIGNAL.  I DID SPECIFY.  NONE WAITING IN LUNCH LINE.  ALL IN ALL LIFE HASN'T CHANGED THAT MUCH FOR ME.  I LIKE THE CONVENIENCE OF PICK UP WITHOUT THE POLITICS. 

I'M WATCHING THE NEWS AND BERNIE SANDERS ADMITS THE DEMOCRATIC COMPETITION VOTED TRUMP INTO OFFICE.  HE'S MUCH MORE LIKABLE THAN JOE BIDEN.  OH, WELL.

I KEEP FORGETTING THE LINES OUTSIDE TARGET.  OH, 11;00.  TIME TO MOVE.

11;25 HOME.

CHANGE TO CSCPUBLIC

I'VE BEEN OFFLINE NO NETWORKS.  I HAVE TO BE PROXIMATE TO LIBRARY TO USE.  I'M GETTING BETTER AT ESTABLISHING CONNECTIONS.  I PREFER THIS TO PHONE.  I SERIOUSLY THOUGHT OF XFINITY.  I SOMEHOW LOST SPELL CHECK. 

I WENT TO CENTRAL PARKING LOT FOR LAPTOP THEN ON TO SAFEWAY 10 MONOPOLY TICKETS.  SOMEHOW LOST 2 LET IT GO.

MITZI CALLED LAST NIGHT.  YEAH, RIGHT SHE'S SO WORRIED ABOUT ME SHE WANTS MOM AND DAD'S ASHES TO TAKE TO VEGAS.  SHE SAID SHE TOOK SOME TO ALASKA.  AND SHE WANTS DAD'S FISHING GEAR SO SHE KNOWS IT'S HERE.  SHE ALWAYS NEEDS TO TAKE STUFF.  SHE NO LONGER IS TOO GOOD FOR SECOND HAND STORES AND SAID HOW MUCH SHE MISSES SHOPPING.  SHE'D RATHER STEAL MINE FOR FREE.  SHE ASKED ABOUT T-P AND BLEACH.  I TOLD HER DOLLAR STORE.

TOKI CALLED 3;30 WE KEPT MISSING.  5-5;30 DROP OFF SHE LEFT CUP HOMEMADE SOUP AND 8 TICKETS.

god is the only anchor

I'M GLAD I NEVER MADE THINGS/MONEY MY GOD.

I STARTED GETTNG DRESSSED 9 AND WAS OUT THE DOOR 9;30.  I PLANNED AN HOUR FOR WALMART AND STAR THAT TOOK 20.  I STOPPED AT VF SAFEWAY AND LOOKED FOR SANITIZER AND FOUND FREE LIP BALM AND CLEARANCE CHOCOLATE CROISSANTS.  VANESSA GAVE ME 4 GAME PIECES.  FREE HOT DOG BUNS 6 OZ TRAIL MIX.

I WAS IN LINE 10;38.  LUNCH WAS TINY.  I WAS HOME BY 11;30 IN TIME FOR MEDIUM AND MONK MARATHON.  I LIKE THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE DIFFERENT LIKE ME.  THE PSYCHIC COMPONENT AND ASPERGERS.

EVERYONE HAS PSYCHIC ABILITY EVEN SPIDERS AND FLIES.  IT'S PART OF OUR SURVIVAL HARDWIRING.  I USED TO GET VERY ANNOYED AT PEOPLE STARING AT ME.  I'D ALWAYS CATCH PEOPLE LOOKING AT ME.  I COULD FEEL THEIR UNWANTED ATTENTION.  SOME WOULD LOOK AWAY, SOME WOULD CONTINUE STARING UNTIL I STARED THEM DOWN.

IT IRRITATED ME TO THE POINT OF QUESTIONING WHY.  EVERYTHING ORGANIC GENERATES AN ELECTRO MAGNETIC FIELD.  THAT ENERGY CAN BE DIECTED INTENTIONALLY AND UNCONSCIOUSLY.  INTENTIONALLY IS STARING AND PRAYER.  THE SAME ENERGY A PREDATOR DIRECTS TOWARD DINNER.  THAT'S WHY  MY IRRITATION WAS TRIGGERED.  I WAS RESPONDING TO NEGATIVE ENERGY.  IT ALSO EXPLAINS PRAYER MEDICAL MIRACLES.

i'm watching green acres.  i watched with mitzi for years growing up.  still makes me laugh.

april fool

I TYPED OUT MY MORNING HIT THE WRONG KEY AND VANISH.

8;30 I DECIDE TO GO TO COSTCO 9-10 SENIORS AND HANDICAPPED ONLY TO PRICE H2O THINKING OF SENDING CATHY COST OF 3 CASES.  NO SIGNAGE I ASKED EMPLOYEE SAID 2+3.  CRV+COST.  I WILL SEND THE WRIST WALLET AND AUNTIE T FOR EASTER.  SO I WENT TO $C THEN CHASE.  MISSCU CLOSED.  ATM ONLY.  I CALLED STAR CU IN CAR.  LOBBY OPEN.  FEW AT A TIME.  COVID DISTANCING.  YOUNG MAN PULLED UP I ROLLED DOWN WINDOW TO TELL HIM 411 AND STAR ASSOCIATE BANKING HE CAN USE AND LOCATIONS.  10;45 I GOT IN SENIORS FOOD LINE IN MY BEST FAVORITE ONLY SHADY WAITING SPACE.  I WAS ALREADY SORE AND TIRED.  I READ AND ORGANIZED BILLS.

I DECIDED TO WAIT 'TIL TOMORROW.  WALMART GUM TOO.

I'M BEING GOOD TO MYSELF.  LAST NIGHT I ORGANIZED FROM 9;30-11;30 WEIRDLY ENERGIZED.  EVERYTHING HAS A MEMORY ATTACHED THAT I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT.  WHEN I WALED THROUGH COSTCO I WAS REMEMBERING HOW AILEEN MADE SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT THE MEMBERSHIP.

WHEN PRICE CLUB FIRST OPENED I WAS MAKING JEWELRY AND SELLING ON CONSIGNMENT AND HAD A BUSINESS LICENSE.  I TOOK MOM.  I TOOK HER TO THE FRESH FLOWER WHOLESALE MART IN SAN JOSE TOO.  BIG MOUTH MOM BRAGGED TO AILEEN WHO HAD TO TOP ME BY PAYING FOR A GROUP COSTCO MEMBERSHIP MAKING ME GIVE UP MY INDIVIDUAL.  MOM INSISTED.  THEN AFTER MOM DIED I COULD BARELY WALK COSTCO TELLS ME AILEEN CANCELLED MY MEMBERSHIP WHEN I GO THERE.  SUCH A BITCH.  AUGH!!!!!!!