sigh

watching Funny You Should Ask I learned Saint Drogo is the patron of the ugly and St Bibiana the patron of hangovers.  I do love learning.  

I soaked and stretched 8:30 am.  I walked dollar tree.  I'll wait 'til next year.  

senior lunch was OK they held back so much food I got more veg balls for leftovers than in my meal.  Toki and Fred and Melvin.  I went to central but annoying Puzzler intruded after 10 minutes so I went to Cup and picked up Two Mules for Sister Sara and then home for People Puzzler then sale it's not delivery it's Digiorno pizza.  baked it while watching Person, Place, Thing.  life is improving.

24 hour fitness opens 6 am tomorrow.  

found my books.

I'm taking care of business.   I set them aside and didn't remember where I left them.  I came home and retraced my steps.  eureka!  

I'm getting ready for 2025.  

I showered stretched at 24 fitness it was early I decided to go to Cup to pick up movies.  straight to seniors took half hour.  they were late opening.  fish was OK cod not tilapia.  

I got my chips at college Safeway.  two clerks commented one liked low salt classic the other preferred low salt BBQ.  I told them I mixed them and they were amazed.  it never occurred to them.  

I ate too many while watching my game shows.  I was so happy until my stomach got upset.  I went to Sunny, picked up my movies, played on the puzzle.  I forgot to eat dinner.  7 pm I ate split pea soup with tofu ham and my stomach is better.  

a very full day.  

I'm a simple person

the key to happiness, I know what makes me happy, having what I want when I want it.  watching Temptation game show.  favorite game shows 'til noon.  Sale of the Century, Classic Concentration.  

I ate tofu ham b'fast.  I want to check out sunny dollar tree and Safeway for chips.  doesn't have to be today.

64 degrees at noon.  I'm resting from an hour deconstructing the mouse condo.  I read an article of homeless seniors in LA.  and that number will grow as the population grows.  the people at the top only care about hoarding more wealth.  they are hoarders of wealth that could be used for comfort for everyone but all they care about is more for themselves.  the ones who worked and built their fortunes are used and cast aside.  

Sydney has finally decided he deserves a home and the waiting lists are 10 years long.  he has a Chinese woman advocating for him.  

I wanted spaghetti-os with toast.  I considered baked beans on toast.  so good when it's what I want.

I am so ready

I figure our bodies make us glad to move on to the next phase.  well, I'm ready and my body continues to fall into disrepair.  I'm a happy volunteer ready to go.  

I'm dealing with feelings of desperation.  old stale feelings bubbling up in the safety of today.  feeling the healing.  healing the feeling.  the only reality is feeling.  all creation comes from energy=feelings.  positive, negative, constructive, destructive.  energy is non judgmental.  

I'm enjoying being.  my tv table fell over and I don't care.  I picked everything up.  I used to feel so disgusted.  huh.  I used to judge and label myself based on my critical unloving, mean family.  

I'm enjoying watching All of Me Steve Martin Lily Tomlin.  How to Marry a Millionaire, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.  fun stuff.  Georgia Rule 2007.  not so fun but important.  

I cooked the tofu ham in orange soda.  delicious.  I made a big salad and 2 pieces of sunflower bread toast.  

Split Second 5:30

I ate my tofu turkey and was pleasantly surprised.  it hasn't been on all week.  I don't like Monty Hall.  he acts like he knows the answers instead of being given the answers.  

seniors are late.  I took my time $ tree didn't have plain or candy vitamin c.  I bought night time cold medicine.  

seniors were late.  Fred, and Toki gave me her apple pie.  Walter and Salome sat at next table.  we're so popular our table fills up early.  I charged up the chrome.  

library was great.  I puzzled a little.  2000 pieces of Christmas wreaths.  annoying man always trying to talk to me and taking over whatever section I'm playing.  

home perfect timing to play People Puzzler.  I was disappointed no Person, Place, Thing.  Happy's Place and Lopez vs Lopez laugh out loud funny.

cinderella

heroes are always alone.  their helpers are the fringe mice, birds.  villains=cowards travel in packs.  usually they hide their connections.  they lie and cheat everyone.  

I got the penultimate parking space at the gym 9:30.  lunch was OK.  I got an extra piece of fish.  Toki is better.  after lunch I walked prune Lucky's nothing.  Walmart I bought beets and eyes with expiring credit.  home I watched my game shows.  channels 4.3 and 4.4 are coming in.  65.6 has Quigley Down Under.  I'm in heaven.  

MERRY FREEDOM!!

I've never had a loving or even close to being comfortable relationship.  the people in my life have been judgmental and critical trying to make me over into their image of what they wanted.  

Well, I'm free!!  Whee!!  I ate the too sweet pumpkin pie.  

I baked the tofu turkey roast with wild rice stuffing.  I opened a can of jellied cranberry.  or it would be too dry and salty.  It's OK for 99 cents.  I'll add water.  I'm drinking a lot of water.  my stomach felt sick from too much salt.  it is very filling.  

I'm so happy watching People Puzzler.   

must be a lot of people using the internet.  It is very slow.  

Christmas eve-Pepsi 1.25 L-12/24/24 once in a lifetime

I've watched the William Steig from the library.  he didn't publish 'til in his 60's. 

Ellen Travolta looks like just Lily Tomlin.  I'm watching Love Boat home at 12:30.  The staff wanted to leave early.   

no parking at 24 so I only picked up free soda.  part of the lot flooded took out 50-60 spaces.  I considered going after lunch I'd prefer tomorrow.  maybe the flooding will subside.  oops not open tomorrow.  oh, well I must rest.  FREEDOM!!  

I can pick up movies at city or county 'til 5.  nah.  Thursday is good.  

I considered Sprouts open 'til 7.  I heated 99 cent gluten free pumpkin pie but it was too sweet.  molasses.  sorghum flour.  my spatulas are perfect for the toaster oven.

my 3 grey cheap dresses are perfect to use under my 3 diaphanous dresses.  what an epiphany.  better than slips.  perfect for winter.  

2 days to Christmas-Celestial tea

I reset chrome.  it locked up, wouldn't do anything.  I shut it off.  even that took awhile.  I wasn't in the least upset.  amazing.  so many emotions I used to feel.  failure, incompetence, doom.  all the manipulative emotions I was trained and conditioned to feel to keep me enslaved are gone.  

I'm watching O. Henry's Full House 1952.  The Last Leaf Ann Bancroft and Jean Peters a better actress.  John Steinbeck the narrator.  great stories of humanity.  the history of the American people.  The Ransom of Red Chief.  a classic.  

72 degrees.  so warm I didn't need a shirt.  and Toki still unwell.  

nob hill I bought clearance cashews for $5 and dried mango $3.  I'm so blessed.  

3 day o' Christmas 12 oz onion dip

I love getting up at 8 am and taking my time.  lots of gym parking.  I parked Lucky's and walked the store no dip.  i drove to the gym thinking of going to Prune ridge.  i showered and remembered I forgot to check the candy aisle.  i went back to Lucky's and they had dip.  it took awhile I found the Lindor dark chocolate truffles I bought 2 more.  the large size costs more per oz than the smaller 5 oz.  

I went to Nob Hill to check clearance and jumbo fish sticks.  I found 2 toothbrushes for $2.  bag of hazelnuts $5.  I tried green burritos 2/$1.  OK.  and I was done by 11 am.  

I heated frozen Innovasian BBQ pork fried rice excellent.  so easy 5 minutes in the microwave.  I'm thinking of Chinese New Year's eve.  

I napped 2 pm -5.  

I'm making my best Christmas yet.

4 calling birds-2 free drinks

I walked both Lucky's.  I have visited all 3 in one day.  everywhere is so dusty my eyes and nose are reacting.  drops keep threatening, 30 % chance rain tonight.  Lindor dark chocolate truffles on sale.  

I'm waiting at the library for my 4:30 at St Just.  closes at 4.  

I ate tuna noodle with carnitas and BBQ chips for b'fast and lunch.  not helping my allergies but so tasty.  and the gherkin cucumbers are so good.  I may even grow some.  

everything went smoothly.  i picked up movies requested and rested reading newspaper.  puzzled a little.  St Just $20 gift card and bag of groceries.  my family is terrible God is good.  

next door celebrating Trumpers no parking I went to Nob Hill good sale Blue Diamond blueberry almonds $3.99 6 oz and Mac nuts.  YUM!

5 gold rings-yerba mate

I'm watching Jerome Kern bio "Till the Clouds Roll By"  and eating tuna noodle with raw sunflower seeds.  so good.

i apologized to Walter for not defining my rejection of his problems, he is not his problems.  what you accentuate the universe sends you more.  i don't want or need problems.  my life is good without problems.  some people use problems to gain sympathy or commonality.  the community of suffering.  not for me.  I needed to apologize publicly.

Trudy, Kenny, Toki was so late no parking and bingo day.  last of this year.  local Shen Yun mothers performed an hour.  lunch carnitas rice very good.  and due to Trudy's sharp eyes I got extra.  so lovely.  best Christmas lunch yet.  

resurfacing the pools is making everyone sick.  today they were mixing powder without safety equipment.  i could feel it from across the parking lot.  their lungs must be full of it.  my eyes are burning my sinuses are blocked.  

next 2 weeks lunch only.  i can take my time at 24 and visit libraries.  last year one week Christmas to New Year's.  Life is change.  

6 geese a laying-Saratoga water

I had a good walk.  I bought Bubly to try.  i couldn't find anything else.  Prune ridge has a wider selection.  

seniors was fine.  I returned Botswana. 

I may have to drop Walter to save myself.  He's just not getting it.  He's lonely and using behaviors his dad taught him.  I'm not his dad.  I do not find him entertaining or amusing.  I've told him he ignores me.  I won't suffer for him.  

after lunch I went upstairs where Francine and Mark were at the puzzle table.  Walter left when he wasn't the center of attention.  

i went to sunny library picked up my books and movies then on to Sprouts for $1.99 cherry pie, cucumbers 99 cents, calm $8.50, immune $2.50, $12 organic castor oil.

7 days Tate's mini cookies1 oz

Extremely heavy fog.  some places 5 foot visibility.  drivers be crazy.  

I'm relaxing.  I've walked Lucky's, showered, biked.  I made it unscathed to seniors.

i ate the 3 Hirata Mac crispy cookies.  so crunchy.  b'fast pizza with sunflower seeds.  

lunch was tiny lasagna.  Toki came in picked up lunch and straight home.  I enjoyed Fred, Salome took over.  I went straight to college Safeway for chips, I forgot soup.  eh, today's first day.  

8 days Jones soda 22 cents recycle deposit

my life is better.   

i went to 24 hour shower then walked Lucky's.  arrived seniors 8:30 my regular spot.  no cold water in locker room due to shower maintenance.  I changed and exercised.  at the puzzle I said hello to the other father caretaker and got talked at for 20 minutes straight.  

lunch was ok.  Toki cancelled to care for her cold.  Fred was funny as ever and Walter went on and on.  Diana came over to talk to him and I asked if she had any aches and pains Walter feeling sorry for himself complaining I couldn't take it.  i told him  I was running away from him if he kept moaning I already had a complaining father.  he's becoming his father without a caretaker.  I mentioned the other caretaker Albert and son Steve could form a support group.  Walter knew Steve would drone on like Walter himself.  he doesn't like the mirror.  i told him about the $662 for new tires.  there's always something, it's how you handle it that matters.  

he said I'm the happiest in all the time he's known me.  he's acting weird.  I printed the tire receipt 20 minutes message low toner I informed Gabby.  then on to pick up movies at central.  i went to Safeway for salad and chips took an hour looking for coupon, clerk finally over rode computer for sale price.  we couldn't find the coupon to add.  i got home 2:45.  

9 days beer salt-$662 4 new tires-Hiratas Christmas box

if they have it ok I don't need it.   i want pizza and chips.

reading From a Far and Lovely Country page 31 dad refused Aunty Katchan adopting me because I was money in the bank.  a servant, a farm hand.  I thought he was jealous but greed makes more sense.  

flat tire I called CSAA 12:11 Ronicia booked my call.  Manuel called 12:29.  he's terrific.  maybe I should have used his tire guy.  eh, next time maybe.  

1:20 sitting waiting on America's tires.  mostly it's on the way to Cupertino.  1:44 pm Saul is slick $220 inflated to $618 plus tax $662.  tires $55 ea plus sensors and certificates.  2 hours.

I picked up movies then pizzas for today and tomorrow.  chips on sale @ Safeway.  home I baked both.  

10 days 12 oz drink

today's freebie Barrilitos drink 12 oz.  i'm nursing my cold and watching the Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet.  I'm out of cold medicine.  

11 days of Christmas

full blown cold.  the freebie today is sour candy straws.  i do want pizza and chips from Lucky's.  and county movies.

ooh, I'm watching Flicka and Son of Flicka.  Horsey movies are heavenly.  

I just remembered I have celery and tuna salad for lunch.

I decided my health is most important I'm staying out of the rain and resting.  nothing and no one is more important than my health.  I almost killed myself taking care of others never again.  no gratitude no help.  

i and my health come first.  i cancelled the movie expired today and put in a new request.  the next hold expires Monday.   

oh happy day

I did it all.  I loaded free coffee and choc truffle.  i bought 4 soup.  seniors was fine.  I biked and stretched.  at lunch the misogynists kicked me off their table I don't really care.  there weren't enough places.  Jon added me to #1.  Fred was late.  I puzzled 'til 1:30.  I love relaxing.  

I watched my game shows. played wheel.  tomorrow is open.  I want my movies from the county.  they're ready.  

Jane must have given us COVID.  she said she was sick 2 weeks while colds last 5 days max.  

I added sausage to split pea soup delicious.  feed a cold.  

12 days starts tomorrow

I caught Jane's cold.  she's always going out to eat.  so I'm taking C and allergy plant.  and drinking plenty of H2O.  

and today auto update.  someone left Christmas puzzle.  a bunch of new ones downstairs, hankies, planners.  abundance.  or a bun dance.  

I finally shared with Cody my phonetic pronunciation of doing and going.

i decided 1:30 to get gas.  Coleman was easy.  $3.69.  home for People Puzzler.

life is simple not easy seniors 6:41 am

I made scrambled eggs on celery.  I keep forgetting I have celery.  goes well with tuna salad or peanut butter.  I appreciate versatility. 

seniors 6:51.  39 degrees crazies standing outside.  

biked half an hour.  stretched 'til it stopped hurting.  lunch weird fish weird beans.  I got left over to fix up.  maybe BBQ.  sweet sour.  

aaugh!!  Mitzi sent me an after thought generic card post marked 3 days late no acknowledgement of tardiness.  I sent them cards for years with no acknowledgement.  I don't know if I want to laugh or cry.  I just know it still hurts.  

I heated lemon salad mix with fish and cherry goat cheese.  I feel better.  

I'm listening to new healing music.  subliminal bypasses the negative brain to allow peaceful, gentle change.

awake since 3

I added tomato sauce and parmesan to the senior left over pasta chicken.  ok.  

I biked 30 minutes at seniors.  my legs are weird and dry I used lotion.  I went to C U with my new license to deposit.  Adrian wished me happy b'day.  

Sprouts had 3 flavors 4 oz goat cheese I chose cherry.  I bought 2.  I restrained myself.  the first time I ate goat cheese I wondered about getting a goat for weed abatement and making my own goat cheese.  today I realized I only need goat milk.  

after people puzzler I went to sunny dropped off my books.  I passed on Sprouts and chose watching person, place and thing.

9 pm I feel energized.

my new life

every day is the beginning of my new life.   I watched Split second, dressed and voila 6:44 seniors.  I can catch up with myself.

when I first started coming to the senior center it was because this was where mom came after her suicide and I was feeling abandoned when she never treated me like her child.  I still had hope.  

home early.  I walked Sprouts bought 3 edamame 99 cents ea and lemon salad mix.  I added to pizza.  so satisfying.  I couldn't find my license and postponed deposit.  home I found it in chrome bag.  and new copy in mail preview Saturday arrived.  

Split Second

today 7:30-9 and Monday 5:30-6:30. 

I went to 24 hour fitness at 2:30.  then nob hill for pizza.  3 meat.  

the step sisters must be thinking of me

I'm feeling threatened.  I had a warning dream of 2 PGE blue service trucks on the street passing me for no reason.  evil intent.  

I don't want to do anything today.  so many movies and shows today.  I watched Temptation 7:30-9 and Astaire and Rogers movies.  

I added 20 lbs potassium salt to softener half full.  i have a system.  and I'm covered in garage dust.  

Watching Chris Rock 2001 Down to Earth has Jennifer Coolidge. County has it.  i'm going to watch my favorite comedy movies over Christmas for the best ever.

chrome weird

maybe too much puzzle.  or solar flares static.  been here before.  Toki left me chips and card front porch.

At lunch time everyone is feeling it.  the consensus is that everything is functioning weirdly.  I got extra fish meal from Jess.  

I called Blanca at Anthem for benefits.  I'm losing OTC benefits next year.  I'm being the responsible adult.

I got water soft delivery.  hooray!

I went to inge's

$5 for recycle.  then Home Depot for water softener potassium salt and cleaner.  I'm having it delivered.  look at me a grown up lady.  I was ready to pick it up but no one came to carry it out.  40 lbs too much.  

next Medicare.  oh, I have to pay Bartolo.  I forgot banking.  

I woke 5:30 and watched game show  Split Second Monty Hall.  I don't mind getting up early for something I enjoy.

I put out a new puzzle.  The last one had 2 missing pieces I put out to take.  someone brought back one piece I found on the floor after lunch.  I added it to the box.

and I'm waiting for the Cody mobile.  done and done.  returned 3 movies borrowed 4.  gave him 2 apples.

my shoulders are sore.  could be laundry or Home Depot.  

46 degrees out

I made oatmeal and ate the last slice of pizza.  And watching Split Second.  Monty Hall.  I love my game shows.  

senior lunch my united nations with food.  Walter sat with Salome and ate calming down.  

I used lucky laundry and washed one load $4.25, I used the walker to transport it and it worked GREAT!!  I got home 2 and had lots of time to hang clothes.  

fun! fun!

if I time it I can have sunny hot spot over new year.  I could keep central  but I'd rather not.  

people puzzler might make me stupid.  I don't know if it's the pressure (I hope) the players are so dumb.  I feel frustrated or maybe it's a marketing ploy to get contestants.  

I cooked nob hill $5 pizza.  I wanted 3 meat and bought dad's favorite pepperoni.  so good.  

my life is improving

2:30 People Puzzler - I went to Lucky's for the last day Mac nut sale.  no unsalted so I only bought 2 onion garlic.  

Walter is in major denial.  he prefers to stay where he is emotionally condemning everyone like his dad.  I can't afford to connect and have him drag me down.  he has the right to regress.  

At home the recycle mountain fell and I almost did too.  I didn't get upset.  I picked everything up.  new me.  

I'm not used to the hot spot.  i'm used to working around not having it.  

I love playing all day

I watched Barney Miller season 4 and Murphy's Romance.  I looked for the book to explain and expand the plot couldn't find it.

Today I'm happy.

huh, lost post when chrome blipped- hot spot from central

I went to seniors 6:45 watched people waiting in 40 degree weather.  I got to yell at strange man parked next to me hit with door and rested his bag on my back windshield then suggested I wasn't ok asking me when I yelled at him he doesn't own everything.  

10:19 I went to St Justin still no lunch.  I had a protein shake.  I parked under Central puzzled, relaxed, computed 'til 3.  checked out Big Bang, Botswana and Fried Green Tomatoes.  I checked and hot spot request ready.  they didn't want to check it out.  weird.  insisted had never checked out hot spot and chrome book unless combo.  wrong.  

I started driving home and decided on Cup pick up.  Murphy's Romance, and Number 1 Ladies Detective Agency.  

most excellent

24 hour Internet too slow I went to nob hill talked to MeMe wished her happy Thanksgiving.  I've never eaten so much.  I was always criticized for eating too much or too little.  nothing I ever did was ok.  

I'm wearing new sweats for PJs and new dress.   the new me.

this year Thanksgiving is perfect.  3 pm 2 channels Hawaii 5 0.  

gym

I woke a bunch of times.  5 am I ATE TUNA salad and crackers b'fast.  I stayed in bed watching Barney Miller.  9 am I leisurely showered stretched at the gym.  walking back to the car the sole of my left sketcher came apart flapping I used a rubber band to secure it.  I considered going home to change, nah.  

I drove to homestead Safeway for chips, none.  I planned on Walmart but went instead to check college Safeway and bought my light BBQ and lemon lay's.  since I was there 11:30 I checked parking at St Clare's.  I parked in front and got in line 100 people.   they opened early.  food is always delicious and the dessert table was amazing.  Raymond and so many seniors from the center showed up.  as I was leaving at 1 pm Alex showed up.  he'd been in the hospital.  I got 1 to go dinner for me and one for Walter.   

I drove to First Presbyterian and Walter was there.  he didn't want the food.  we had a nice visit.  Gloria showed up at 2 and we left 2:14 just in time for People Puzzler.  I checked the give away table and found a new pair of black 6.5 Reebok tennis shoes, my Thanksgiving miracle.  and a new pair of black sweat pants and a 4 X peachy sundress.  Best Thanksgiving Ever.  

if it ain't improving I'm doing it wrong

I opined my life can continue to suit me better.  if it isn't I'm missing something.   

I'm free!!   I made it this far.  two days doing what I want.  no family arguments, criticisms, schedules.  I can breathe.  

best thanks ever

I'm looking forward to the best ever.  I puzzled and soaked, filled waters.  

I stayed alert and got a complete dinner.  last bingo class a new zipper bag and 2 3 pill band aid boxes.     

I parked DMV 7:29 am

sprinkling they opened the door for the 20 people standing outside.  an hour and half to take a photo, rt thumb print and vision well lighted charts.  she asked if I wore contacts.  Bates Method Vision Improvement.  I didn't have the first application number so I had to fill out a new one for the number.  then my payment record $45 was on the online one.  third line for photo and fourth line final check and receipt.  

whew!!  I saw Jin at 24 hour.  she already drinks protein shakes.

The seniors tub half hour I'm exhausted.  lunch cottage cheese salad I gave the diced cantaloupe to Toki and enjoyed the sweet honey dew.  I brought half home and added to Jin ramen with an egg.  delicious but mild is hot.  

oh, I'm so mellow

I feel stoned like a teen.  I'm amazed I'm so calm.  the holidays, license renewal, Mike's death and I seem ok as far as I can tell.  I don't know.

no St Just lunch today.  probably because of Thanks pick up 1-3 pm today and tomorrow.  I walked Sprouts 99 cent salad mix I can eat tuna salad and I bought 29 cent celery at Lucky's yesterday.  I didn't want whole or half clearance cherry pie.  too much.  

so after soaking and stretching at seniors I'm waiting at central library.  

I drove 1 pm to be part of life.  took 40 minutes sitting in my car like commute traffic I refused to do.  I'm a new me.  by 2 pm no line.  and I came back to the library.  another new behavior.  

SUN-stayed in bed babying myself.  I've figured out standing 10 feet from tv and doing intermittent exercise 1-3 minutes over time.  my cottage cheese legs are great for sitting cross legged.  no longer frozen flexible is healthy.  I haven't been able to sit comfortably for over 25 years from back damage taking care of parents.  

and I'm back

I picked up free large Jin cup of noodles at Lucky's I bought small bag low salt BBQ chips $5 and 29 cent celery.  drove through DMV practicing route.  I'm getting comfortable.  totally new me.  I had a wonderful relaxed shower, did my stretches.   i had ok lunch.  telling Florence and Donchey Valentine's collision I missed leftovers.  eh, I had already bought $5 coupon potato salad turkey bag lunch and $2 piece apple pie whipped cream.

I drove around DMV twice no parking.  home I emptied part of trunk for St Just Thanks Sat or Sun 1-3.  I'm watching my game shows and 2 episodes of HI 5 0 on channels 68 and 68.4.

taking care of business I called Citibank $31.03 late fee on $39.  I talked to Yanni the Mormon robot in Utah.  a little exorbitant I bless and release for exponential increase.  

I'm watching my game shows.  2 different episodes of old HI 5-0 on channels 68 and 68.4.  Heaven.  and I remembered to watch Happy's Place and Lopez vs. Lopez.

chrome no connection

old school desk top.  it's doing crazy things.  I can't handle it currently.  too much on my plate.

after lunch, bingo size I checked with library tech shut off to clear and it worked.  I lost my free sweepstakes entries.  

first space parking barely gets internet-POWER OUT 5:54 -6:35

I could get here early stretch b 4 swim.  I don't know.

lunch ok.  not good pressed turkey salty stew.  I corrected Korean woman bullying Jane not her mother let her eat in peace.  and Walter dumping his complaints just to hear himself like dad I'm not having it.  I told him he can't.  just can't.

no senior internet I left early.

power out 5:54 while i'm blogging so I have light and flashlight .  cold dark and nothing to do.  bed.  I could go to sunny library.  or 24 hour.  ooh, I could exercise.  

6:45 and 40 degrees.

we got menus.  handed out one at a time like something precious instead of paper.  I may take December off if I fail to renew license.  eh.  I'm feeling cantankerous. 

missing Mike

he chose how he died like my dad.  I want the least karma.  until talking to Dino I didn't realize how much it affected me.  I cried for Mike and dad and Eric.  

I finished the puzzle.  I tried the DMV page.  I'm feeling better about it.  I have 2 full weeks.  I haven't renewed since 2011.  I've been feeling I have to do everything alone not all one.  I was wrong.  I always have spiritual help.  

and today I found free new socks and dream catcher and cross key ring.  3 of my favorite things.  early presents.  

I considered going to DMV and Sunny Vale has sewing tonight not tomorrow.  too cold and my priorities tomorrow bingo exercise.  no hot lunch next Monday.  

I forgot sunny trick

 no internet all over.  find spot connection then good all over.

real time with God life is easy simple

I surrender my life.  we construct our lives by our choices.  

8 am i got dressed and let God lead me to fill up with gas.  quickly done i decided to drive to north Walmart and bought my 2 beets, shakes, extra brace.  $99.  then nob hill for salad, burritos and left pomegranates for Me Me.  like no time at all.  no effort.  done 9:30.

still, time to let my soul catch up.  I rested 'til 11:50 for sunny library.  45 movies for free $5 reading coupon.  chrome connection keeps saying no internet.  

lunch 1 pm

soaked in the tub at seniors.  updated chrome.  at 10 I considered my options.  I decided on lunch pick up (st just) then county library.  I remembered * 1 stopped there, closed Saturdays now.  

at library I parked first available spot and walked.  I returned 6 borrowed 7.  very mellow.  parking must be bad after noon.  

i decided to take Stephens creek boulevard to Walmart closed no power.  then *1.  finally successful deposit.  ate lunch main cafe at 1 pm.  browsed book sale.  nothing I wanted.  

i'm feeling a little sad leaving behind another part of the past.  who I used to be.  growing up.  

I checked the sunny book sale tomorrow at noon.  

occurred to me my neck damage is from '72 with more from '14.  necks are fragile.

a plastic tub of candied fruit fell off the shelf onto the floor.  I picked it up and put it back.  I didn't notice it was cracked until I brushed against the shelf and noticed the syrup on my clothes.  it leaked all over the shelf and dripped onto the floor.  by the time I noticed I'd tracked it all over the floor.  I soaked it up with paper and the ants can clean up the microscopic details.  I've become so relaxed.  

free $5.59 pasta

and I bought sale Mac nuts.  I ate oat meal added nuts.  leisurely 7:30 lucky's.  

THE NEW ME.  I'm practicing faith.   9:30 feeling sad it's time to exercise and change my chemistry.  I luxuriate by taking my time and appreciating the experience.  no matter how many miracles i doubt.  i turn my faith to God.

sloppy joe lunch was good.  Walter showed up feisty.  i remarked on his feeling in the moment improvement.  it may feel like hell but you have to feel it to heal it.  i explained the head brain is like a computer programmed to complete tasks.  every time he relives the past he resets his auto pilot to the past.  a new better life requires the disciple and focus he's used for his accomplishments.  if he releases the past his perfect future is assured.  he needs to figure out his new target not keep dredging up and recreating the past.  

i just realized i had two tormentors to his one.  

night off-daily word NEW DIRECTION

chrome shut down.  allowed restore after connection.  I felt jubilant.    

I kept waking with a stomach mass of anxiety labeled 'license renewal.'  I know it's baby fear and humiliation compartmentalized for survival.  I was taught to hate and torture myself.  loving myself is something new.  I was taught self sabotage.  I finally remembered to tell Walter.  he's finding his voice.  he chose to joke and verbally attack me about Patelco breach.  eh, his choice.  he said he confronted Amber.

'successful' people love themselves above all else.  Trump will do whatever it takes to achieve his goal.  he wanted to avoid prosecution again so he ran for president again.  just like last time.  he's consistent.  

I forgot bingo size and Dino asked if I was going.  whew!  I was all set to go home.  Jane is so insecure and annoying.  she got into a fight with Florence blowing up for no reason.  i'm forewarned.  

I watched the end of people puzzler and drove to sunny library 2 books then home for person, place, thing.  exercising more makes more energy.  

6:53 feeling it and healing it

feeling a warm dark sinister mass floating in my solar.  it's toddler dread. 

and my anxiety of buying water soft when how, renew license what when, clean gutters if I can, etc.  laundry, a plethora of chores.  it never ends.

I'm having a hard time trusting God.  I was never allowed.  the family thought themselves gods.  EPIPHANY:  explains so much.  dad molested Aileen who molested me.  she pimped me out for a date.  she was messed up.  the first time I've admitted to myself.  gives me shivers.  and did mom know?

BREAK TIME.  WHERE WAS GOD?  no wonder I have issues.

I'm ready for something good. 

6:55 seniors

after slippers and protein shake drop off to Jin.  I'm feeling frustrated, blocked.   I'm turning my stumbling blocks to stepping stones and so it is.  

I puzzled then soaked at 9.  10 I dressed to stretch and puzzled.  11 I put on back brace for lunch.  very relaxed.  Fred arrived Toki was late.  Diane sat with us.  after lunch I puzzled with Walter.  he seems to be doing better.  he still insists on Nexium for his stomach he refuses to try grapefruit juice.  I changed workout clothes for bingo exercise.  I won twice.  

i'm still feeling sad.  I watched people puzzler and remembered wheel.  I couldn't get it to open at lunch then forgot.  oh, well.  i'm mellow.

I considered sunny sewing but assessed cleaning gutters.  the weather is perfect after the rains.  my allergies are rampant.  

AUGH!! forgot to pay citibank- Jin Solis

I forgive me.  I remembered when I drove to 24.  I'm letting it go.

Augh! forgot my slippers.  Jin offered hers.  good excuse to trade details.  she lives duplex Stardust Court near Welsun.  she always brought in Eggland boiled eggs and fried banana treats.  she included everyone generously giving.  she crocheted me over a dozen pot scrubbers in rainbow colors.  

11 am pouring rain I decided to use nob hill covered parking and internet.  I wanted salad.  I almost overcharged myself again.  I wore my glasses today.  they fixed it.  it's so cold.  I haven't felt cold since 2003.  my back's been in a constant state of inflammation.  I must be normalizing.  my legs are terribly sore.  

another wave of deep sadness for my fur babies.  their unconditional love helped me heal.  I had to give up my cats to adoption.  my apartment neighbors loved my sweet cats.  I couldn't subject them to the abuse cruelty and neglect I experienced, they deserved better.  they deserved the unconditional love they were.  I chose to minister my parents.  

my back feels broken again-Valentine's lesson

I wasn't loving myself and the CBD let the past intrude.  I punished myself like the family taught me.

every move is excruciating again.  on the cross.  crucified.  I soaked out my aches and pains after an hour.  still agony getting in and out of the car and my tailbone again on fire.  

how ironic.  fire truck showed up 10 am.  I just finished loading my gym case and the annoying alarm went off.  4 firemen got out to check the building.  maybe 3 minute arrival time.  

I walked Sprouts clearance kids sack turkey sandwich for dinner.  St Just Charity makes me feel welcome.  so many act like we're criminals.  someone left breaded chick nuggets for my holiday dinner.  

sitting in the library cafe charging the chrome I watch the hero dads taking care of their kids.  my dad wanted to remain the baby.  

2 am - I woke hungry and ate my kids half turkey sandwich and BBQ chips.  so good to have what you want when you want it.  so unlike my sisters still denying me.

6 am - I woke with a lump of sad fear in my belly.  baby energy I cradled, hugged and soothed.

every addiction masks pain, mine to puzzles. Welsun

I'm avoiding pain.  concentrating on the puzzle.  like 2008 I found I could forget my pain by concentrating outside my body.  Valentines I wasn't loving myself and punished myself like the family taught me.  

I love watching people.  from a distance everything looks good.  it's up close they can get you.  

Welsun refused to keep puzzle pieces organized.  he loved saying sorry Suzy most contritely.  he made being around him as difficult as possible.  he liked suffering.  All Trumpers.  they love All suffering.  all forms.  

Florence gave me a pound of Costco salt & pepper pistachios.  

6:50 am watching a dozen standing 44 degrees

the herd bonds over suffering and complaining.  the trump voters choose to believe his lies.  they think he's funny.  they feel superior because Trump's been playing the clown.  the misogynistic immigrants, Latinos and Asians don't know the levels of prejudice.  I have 73 years of experience.  

I feel badly for the children.  the sins of their parents are leaving them completely vulnerable.  the ignorant clueless immigrants have it too easy.  they take these rights for granted.  they impose their backward arrogant thinking.  what they don't know hurts all of us.  they don't bother learning what it takes to live in a democracy.  they want a free ride.  they haven't studied what it takes to live in a democracy.  those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.  

i'm making my last days happy.  

All the money in the world won't save anyone.

Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg will burn with all of us.  they think they're preserving themselves.  they are prolonging their torture.  they ignore global warming.  there won't be a world to enjoy, clean water to drink or fresh air to breathe.  

I lament the children of the world.  well, they won't miss what they never had.  

People will start disappearing.  Trump has said the due process of law no longer exists in his world.  we won't even know.

Daily Word Divine Order i'm planning on spoiling myself.  more fun.  i'm living large.  I choose to continue creating my heaven.

Cooperation creates Heaven.  Contention creates Hell.

yesterday I left 6 chocolate donuts (Vote)

Today someone left a coconut creme pie.  yum.  I remembered bingo and library returns.  whether I go is up to me.  no late fees.  I want to check out nob hill.  i'm watching person, place, thing 4 pm.  I watched half of people puzzler at 2:45.  

i went to sunny library returned the book and checked out puzzles.  6 pm i decided to go to sprouts.  I could have sewn.  nothing I wanted not even cornbread.  

no wheel or jeopardy because of voting.  election results are depressing.  

after 2 and half hours today

DMV website 2 days.  Jahari after Dimitri and Cindy looked up Flora Vista closed for repairs 'til Nov 18.  I prefer local.  I can always use Hopper.  

my toddler belly woke with visions of the family humiliating and ridiculing my toddler self.  no love only scorn.  they bonded over their cruelty.  

my chronic depression was my survival.  I had to hide from the monsters.  and now I'm processing and releasing.  alchemy.  

cup library-DST

 I had to drive around the library twice for parking.  the good news I decided walking for my exercise I parked on the corner.  added.4 to my mileage.  I walked all over the library to see what all the traffic was about.  it was just parents and kids.  no special events just families.  

home at 3:30 when I left at 3:30.  I completely forgot daylight savings.  I picked up igor and Irish R M.  

I found the DMV letter from Sept.  Eh, I decided to go Tues.  I'll go all day.  

i remembered it's time to renew

soaking in the tub Daily Word, AARP, CDL.  11:13 eating God's lunch at library cafe.  i'm considering if I want Real ID license.  a lot of extra work for no return.  

and I just remembered wheel of fortune.  my brain works so much better fueled.  people ignore their bodies.  

I love watching kids.  they're miracles.

I started DMV application.  I have no idea what I did with the renewal letter.  

I'm just tired and have a sugar crash reaction.  

I want to cry and mom beat it out of me I can't.  "I'll give you something to cry about."  I need a hug and I have no one.  I'm grieving Mike Winn cancer and dying 10/18 bringing back Eric 2017 and dad 1999.  it's always with me.  my lunch group is filled with love.

i'm watching the end of Barney Miller the only series I've cared to watch wrap up.  I'm feeling lonely and it's a sad improvement of my childhood pain and sadness of humiliation and cruelty.  I never felt loved by my family.  

the only way to process pain is to feel it and let my chemistry use it, change it 'til there's only love.  

Best Halloween

I get to pick and choose what I want.  I keep what I want and give away the rest.  I'm so buzzed on sugar.  

I couldn't get online and I thought it was me.  Justin told me many complaining no free wi fi.  hooray! it wasn't me!  I goofed around since the cafeteria was late with medicare class.  I saw Toki coming out of class so I let her go first then I couldn't find her.  she was sitting with little Gloria.  so when Fred came in I waved him over instead of making him look all over.    I told Walter to give me extra chicken and he did.    

dropped key found key

I must focus on ME.  the lesson of ME ME.  put every thing else aside.  the new me drove back to center and library.  I am hopeful.  practicing new energy.  

Nob Hill and ME-ME

I took recycle they don't anymore Recycle Tek in Sunnyvale by home depot.

6:48 am a great time to arrive

i puzzled a little then soaked and stretched.  i changed into exercise clothes and Toki came early 10:30.  nice change.  full lunch table:  Trudy, Kenny, Toki. Andy, Salome, Florence, Donchey.  then after lunch i puzzled until bingo.  i won once.  i drove to Safeway for salad and 2 Stouffer's dinners.  on to cup for 2 movies.  straight to lucky's for buy 2 get 3 free chips and mac nuts on sale $5 bought 4.  most excellent.  

6:52 am perfect to get my favorite space

"the final frontier"  and playing on my puzzle.  yes i said my puzzle.  i picked it.  i had 2 lucid dreams: 1 kissing my true love and #2 Anne worrying about her memory.

i soaked stretched for an hour and stretched on the table for half.  lunch not good but company excellent:  Trudy, Kenny, Fred, Toki.  Diane loves talking to the men sat with Fred.  

after lunch i puzzled 'til 2 and decided to forgo more exercise and go home for people puzzler.  i was so hungry from a tiny lunch i ate chips.  dinner a tuna sandwich with salad lettuce.  

10 am good gym parking. no hot spot

i forgot my flips and God provided a towel to wipe my feet.  tygj.  finished showering at 11 headed to Ukraine benefit.  beautiful people with green eyes.  very expensive.  i bought 2 chocolate bars and 7 potato dumplings $24.  my Costco rebate.  i paid cash most people scanned smart phones.  

$5 dollar tree i bought spaghetti-o's, bag clips, anti-freeze, trash bags, lime rice, pretend crab wasn't so good tuna is better.  i added to salad.  

life can be wonderful.

don't know what i feel-returned sunny hot spot

All feelings can be painful.  new feelings are unknown.  probably when and why celebrities kill themselves with drugs and alcohol.  poisons.  soaking in the warm tub is releasing stored belly feelings from before i could speak so i have no words to describe the suppressed emotions.  i suppose that's what kills people continuing to suppress strange feelings.  

11:30 picked up salad $1.79 and 6 old fashion cake sale donuts 64 cents ea. Safeway and 60 cash.  then i remembered tomorrow Ukraine food and crafts benefit.  if Ukraine falls Putin will take more.  stopped st just for lunch and weekend bag.  i'm grateful.  mom never cared and Aileen a child so no lunch for me school years.

great library dad mirroring his tiny girl building her self worth.  

sunny phone message 3 day overdue book and spot.  A lovely day at the sunny puzzle table 'til 6 pm close.  then sprouts. detoured to costco sat in long line 10 minutes to fill up.  

goofing at seniors

i picked up free tru-blu saltines 16.3 oz and walked sprouts nothing i wanted.  no wonder i feel tired.  no b'fast.  i'll have shake.  i considered pork stick not today.  too heavy.  i want light.

i took my time.  might be time to turn in chrome to check battery.  down to 22% after 2 hours.  i showered and washed socks.  i can dry in mesh bag.  

big belly

my bound muscles have finally relaxed.  the body when injured seizes to prevent further tissue tearing immobilizing the wound.  and the exercise bingo is motivating me to move.  

the pork stick is like salty spam.  b'fast.  i left home at 6:39 am.  i love watching the sun come up.  life is so enjoyable without the arguments.  Florence and Jane got into an argument about pharmaceutical reps.  Jane has been one and Flo was bad mouthing them which Jane took personally.  then Florence apologized but complained to me and wouldn't let it go.  silly girls.  

so i'm trying new behaviors.  i was going to return the spot last night but felt too relaxed.  maybe today.  maybe tomorrow.  

play day

i want every day to be play day.  i can go home for game shows or return a hot spot or exercise more or just goof around.  i soaked for an hour and then biked and stretched.  then lunch i forgot Toki told me offsite lunch with friends.  Diane asked then i remembered.  and Salome.  we're the Goofy girls.  

i considered soak part 2.  too noisy this morning in the tub with Trumpers loudly pontificating.  even from the pool they were loud.  

pain is easier than nausea

10 minutes breathing the pollution i feel sick.  my tailbone on fire i'm ok.  took me 3 hours breathing air conditioning to feel ok.  i soaked then lunch.  biked 20 minutes before going to bingo size.  

feeling ok i wore a 95 mask and shopped lucky's for free loaf of bread and mini cookies.  Walmart i paid PGE and bought copper back brace and protein shakes.  then i remembered Safeway chips and mauna loa on sale i bought rocky road and strawberry guava.  i ate chips and rocky road.  

home and rest.

i'm still processing the depravity

i read an online article of an American being prosecuted for animal cruelty in a case in England.  he sold and distributed movies of live baby monkeys being lowered into running blenders.  these torture films were sold worldwide.  it's a multi country problem.  the torturers could be anyone anywhere.  i'm still feeling horrified.  too horrible for words.  

maybe that's how family secrets are created.  too horrible to discuss.  deny, deny, deny.  

brain tumor man apologized for his meltdown.  like i'd ever trust words.  sister Aileen couldn't melt butter she was so cold and like trump words have no meaning.  totally insincere.

he did motivate me to vote and drop off my ballot.  

i checked internet connection on library computer new chrome format increased safety.  so it's malfunctioning is nothing I've done.

came home 2:30 for people puzzler and still hungry.  i ate chef boy r d chiken soup.  already tastes bad sitting on a shelf wouldn't improve it.

a handful of dust 1988 film

a study in infidelity, betrayal.  the 1934 book by evelyn waugh is so matter of fact.  the lawyers, detectives, families accept lying and cheating as a part of every day society.  if one is rich anything is normal.  i don't understand.  i believe in simple physics.  what goes around comes around.  what you put out comes back.  the universe is energy.  this is a very blemished world.  a soul chilling world.  

i'm taking vitamin c.  i have a cold triggered by allergies nothing new.  happened all the time in Gilroy.  when i feel feverish i take one and feel better so i know it's a cold.  i wanted strawberries, almond pastry and goat cheese.  heaven is having what you want when you want it.  

i actually feel cold.  it's been a long time.  maybe 20 years.  

7:38 seniors open 8-Oakland fires

the new me enjoys the time to let my soul catch up.  i considered Walmart, target and sprouts but too much rush.  i'm enjoying my life.  couldn't happen to a nicer person.  there, i even enjoy 'nice'.  

i sat in the car and remembered to check calendar.  so i paid Discover due 21.  

season change is drying and ramping up my allergies.  I had some Tylophora.  i soaked and stretched an hour.  checked sprouts clearance 99 cent baby lettuces.  st just lunch and weekend bags.  library book sale 36 movies for $5.  11:30 sandwich with greens i'm in heaven.  my heaven is simple.  

i went and checked out sale and bought a bag of 36 movies for $5.  oh well.

my skin and lips are so dry from allergies.   i have so many chap sticks and moisturizers.  

picked up my freebies at 6:30- Mike died

yogurt and candy.  and the manager special dozen eggs 99 cents, half price almond pastry i brought home.  

i took my time.  At the seniors i showered, biked for half an hour, and stretched half an hour.  my middle back is alive and talking to me.  dull pain and stiffness.  I've had neuropathy pretty much my entire life.  can't heal it 'til you feel it.  you know something's off but can't know what it is.  

lunch not good.  i puzzled 'til 2 sprouts goat cheese 3@ $2.50 ea.  home for people puzzler.  

my inner child is playing

i got a reminder to vote.  brain surgery blowhard announced loudly in the tub he was voting for trump.  so aggressive and annoying out of the blue so i asked "you're voting for king trump?"  he affirmed so i said yeah they voted in hitler and gave him poland like trump wants to give putin the ukraine.  he got upset when trump has said more than once he wants to do away with due process of law and has repeatedly threatened his plans to jail people without trials.  so i figure all non whites and immigrants will be sent to camps, hitler funded world war 2 by arresting and confiscating fortunes.  trump has stolen people's money and declared bankruptcy to avoid pay back numerous times.  he left the tub in a huff shouting at me to "shut up" i told him "today i still have free speech later who knows."  

i feel sorry for the immigrants who came seeking peace from tyrants and violence only to experience a lawless pro-violence presidential candidate.  

jd vance's wife is east indian too smart for her own good, trump will get rid of her quickly.  probably one of the first in the concentration camp.  she's not blonde and slavic.  

helpful people

i'm counting them.  maybe 5 a handful.   65 % of people are good and honest.  I've lived my life with the 35%.  my family was the 35 %.  I'm spending my life without the 35.  

i swam 2 1/2 hours.  lunch long line 'til 11:30.  Walter's doing better.  Diana gave me outdated monopoly tickets.  gave me something to do.  I puzzled 'til 5:30 went to nob hill for ads and to redeem    

CRASH!! can't remember password

so i'm using another way.   so google won't let me renew y mail.  

bingo fun no win.  

you tube all new healing music.  I don't know where oldies are.  

stopped at sprouts clearance jerky.  i drove king's highway to sunny.  i don't like the raised pedestrian walkway and i can detour.  i puzzled 'til 6 pm then sunny sprouts quinoa snacks, pie 2 blueberry halves clearance $1.99 ea, and cornbread.  i'm blessed.  dinner pie and pork.  

brave cathy

she sent me a halloween card and stickers.  she's doing great in Hawaii.  she has buddies and family.  she goes to the Ray Kroc Center.  

Pat Vorreiter 2007

everything i wrote disappeared.  i looked up her info to check her address.  she was Ailing and Mitt's fourth and final lawyer.  and everything evaporated into the ethos.  like the belief i ever had a family.

1998-2007 was hell.  dad fractured his spine and i watched his decline and passive suicide.  counselor's words.  then mom made good her 1993 suicide attempt on May 13, 2001.  my sisters upped their cruelty and betrayal.  more than four times the agony with my ex husband.  i had to overcome the family history of denial.  56 years to that point.  

King of Queens television show ran those years.  my mini vacation from the overwhelming pain humiliation lies and torture.

i'm processing the pain of divorcing my family.  down to the core of my being.  who i used to be.  i'm deciding who i'm becoming.  i fully expected the pain would kill me and yet here i am.  

so i'm pampering myself.  doing a little housework for my pride.  celebrating me.  eating chocolate.

3 egg omelet

i've changed my mind.  i don't want to go to crowded cup to see parrot show.  it will be noisy and full of kids.  i feel relaxed and choose to stay this way.  

i puzzled 'til 9 soaked 'til 10:30 picked up st just lunch avoiding comic con.  i decided back to first baptist i walked an hour and half.  i budgeted $10 picked asi lo mar mesh bag, washable office pen organizer, pieces of white lace fabric, adze.  she wanted to charge me $12 so i was going to put back the fabric, she gave in.  she gave me an additional bag for adze.  

home best lunch.  

checked my c u balance

i'm feeling paranoid.  Life is going well, fear is bubbling up.  seniors i showered and then biked 30 minutes.  i timed my lunch walk for 1 of 2 extra.  after seniors i went to prune lucky's for freebie and $5 royal blue 2 X hoodie.

2 hours walking 1st baptist rummage sale too high.  yard and half blue lace and dirty glass vase $8.  home at 5:05.  if still there tomorrow maybe for much less.  

6:55 am seniors

my favorite time of day.  and getting into bed and relaxing.  i enjoy watching the sunrise.  everyday is new and different.  Can't Wait to Get to Heaven must be rubbing off.  I've read it enough.  

i'm taping over bad recordings with positive uplifting thoughts.  and it's working.  bingo reward is better health and less pain.  

i deposited checks and cash for the month and walked Sprouts.  said hi to Joyce/robin.  she looks like a robin to me.  nothing i wanted.  CBD $10 for 5 doses from $7.  

I pondered the library feeling a little tired.  decided on home made best mac and cheese with dry milk and 3 tsp butter can tuna.  

afternoon swim

i'm being new and different.   i have my checks and cash ready for deposit.  maybe today but better since short hours tomorrow.  i'm blessing the month i forgot no mess no stress.  

i ate tuna sandwich for b'fast at 5 am so 11:30 i'm ready for lunch.  turkey stew.  we'll see.  it was so so.  couple hours finished 'positive thinking' puzzle.  

3:30 waiting for pool to re open at 4.  my legs and feet are swollen.  2 extra helping peas to go.  i'm itching all over like while bedridden.  2 hours tub 94 perfection helps.  home 6:30.  HEAVEN.

i like watching the sun come up. no CBD

remembering who i used to be.  my world was so limited.  i wanted a good family.  that's all i wanted.  to make up for my cruel heartless upbringing.  i hadn't a childhood as much as indentured servitude.  i was tortured and lectured on a cruel world that only existed for me within the family home.  i learned to trust and gravitate to those who would use, cheat and betray me to perpetuate the family legacy.  the world is actually 65% great.  it's the 35% bastards I've studied to protect myself.  so I've learned to recognize and deflate the air bags not adding to their hot air tirades.  i prefer to watch them float away.

Walter is making noises wanting to hold on to his past.  time to let him float away.  he prefers Marie, worriedly asking me if I'd seen her.  i almost lost purple butterfly hair clip distracted by Walter.  i missed it at bingo, retrieved it after class.  he doesn't come to seniors he won't see her.  not my problem.  Bingo is great!  the win is the exercise and more energy.  my neck feels so much better.  

i much prefer a bright happy today.  someone left an entire meal at lunch.  SCORE.  i insisted Toki take the banana.  

library 85-90℉.  i went to smiley face icon insert special characters typed degree, chose Fahrenheit.  scary.  i tried to return/check out chrome Grandma insisted on renew.  maybe I'll ask Cody.  i had to return Egoscue books for 24 hours.  i requested holds.  no one else has been so whatever she is.  they always check in/out.  she's been here as long as me, still working the desk.  she went through punk, glam, Goth.  interesting evolution.

i considered banking today.  mail preview i may receive $25 check from Lucky's monopoly.  eh, may be denied.  i don't much care about outcomes at this age.  i feel calm and comfortable.  worth a fortune to me.  check arrived, bank tomorrow maybe.  

living for myself is intoxicating

100 degrees 4 pm.  i swam 8-9:30, filled shampoo bottles, lunched, finished puzzle and snacking oatmeal cookies.  

i considered part 2 swim i can wait.  i'm sleepy.  

my days start at 5-101 degree day

i brought in my max protein shakes from car trunk.  i'm so glad i don't have to compete in this dog eat dog world.  i don't think i'd like dog.

air is so bad.  i remembered to look for yard sale.  too hot yesterday, 70 now 8 am.  found yard sale after driving up and down Nobili.  don't know how i missed it.  2 houses from Machado.  just setting up.  i bought rubber maid egg cases $1 and maybe more later.  i went to gym to give them time to put things out.  80 already 9:30 on to cup library.  b king coupon 2 croissant bacon egg cheese and hash nuggets, large coffee.  

parked 9:48.  large drops from fluffy high white and dark clouds racing across the sky like Hawaii 40% humidity.  11 am weather site says 82 degrees while air now says 91 for cup, sunny, main.  library is surprisingly uncrowded.  maybe more home air conditioning.  global warming is creating manufacturing and service jobs.

Adult Survivors page 42 "light peeking through the clouds of despair" WOW!  IGOR!  page 43 "Moment of insight:  When you genuinely have a pure heart, no matter how big the hole in your heart may feel, you're sure to win in the end."  i was literally born with a congenital hole in my heart on dad's side and made to feel inferior.  mom labeled me retarded 'til kindergarten placement tested me as gifted.  my family were the retards.

6 pm finished entire book.  half an hour to closing.  95 degrees.

Nobili yard sale just putting away 7 pm.  2 white crocheted bed spreads and drafting brush.  she said i could have anything.  mini fridge too heavy.

movin' and groovin'

i went to Lucky's and picked up lemonade + tea and Equate shakes at Walmart.  hour and half in the tub.  Dave there.  9:30 shower and drive to St Justin to pick up lunch.  all the lunches mom never made me.  she gave Mitzi and Aileen money for lunch but i could starve.  so i ended up fending for myself very young.  i was basically homeless.  so i have great compassion, i know how it feels to be ostracized and despised.  

i keep expecting to be rescued.  i don't know why.  hope springs eternal i suppose.   

i'm walking memory lane.  i looked up Heaven Under the Moon- Cheryle Gail b&b in new Zealand.  She's a great example of turning stumbling blocks into stepping stones.  she gives me heart.  

the nerves in my legs are quivering.  i drank the free lemonade tea + caffeine.  

i was thinking of going to sunny but only open 'til 6.  not worth the drive for an hour and half.  tomorrow projected 96 degrees maybe cup library.  yard sale on Nobili close to Machado too hot to look maybe tomorrow.  

up since 5 today 10/4

Diana gave me 5 lbs frozen strawberries, chicken, fish sticks, squash.  i don't have to worry.  i can keep, give away or toss.  new me easing along.

i tried the chocolate coconut drink.  delicious.  not very coconut-y.

air is so bad i'm coughing.  started early.  i can hardly breathe.  my nose.  mucus is upsetting my stomach.  

Adult Survivors list of grievances is taking out the trash.  getting feelings out and acknowledging the garbage.  it's working.  

For dinner I cooked the 11 fish sticks and blueberry pie.  i love having what i want.  

bingo exercise

i love doing good things.  last night i picked up hot spot.  2 months without i'm ok.  i stopped at nob hill and clearance 2-36 oz ranch $1, 2-64 oz grapefruit juice $1.50, last 7 750 ml espresso dollar ea, 6 mac cheese 75 cents ea.  and additional discounts only $14.33+tax .44.

i tossed fruit to squirrels and crows.  i'm making room for my good.  or better.  this or something better.  

bingo size excellent.  Jane so rude.  motioned for me to open her water bottle after lecturing me about pollution.  no please or thank you.  

synchronicity:  the central puzzle is Harry Potter, i read a bookstore special edition, i'm reading Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members refers to Voldemort and speaking power.  

i loaded the nob hill espresso, juice and dressing into the garage.  home 6 pm.  parking precious.  

misplaced car key again 104 degree day

 i'm just not interested in owning things and being owned by them.

i called library after lunch will pick up immediately $100 computer chip car key.  

laser focused on bingo size

i kept waking.  i'm feeling excited and anticipating.  i planned my dress, then mail bill, banking and main.  my plan.

The lunch menu changed to fish from tamale pie.  Toki bought me 8 mini chicken corn dogs from Marukai.  she finds the most exotic foods.

i won Bingo twice as did others.  fun to win.  i felt so good i drove to P O mailed bill and on to Chase to withdraw.  i parked under Main 99 degrees outside versus 78.  i ate the corn dogs and lunch salad at 4.  life is good to have what you want when you want it.  

sunny called hot spot available tomorrow.  i kept checking online.  I've been without one since 8/1.  so 2 months=8 weeks and i'll have it for 3 weeks.

dinner 7 pm big salad tuna beans rice hot spicy Smart Bowls.  so spicy i added 2 cups of peaches to cool it down.  

let go let God

much less anxiety. 

progress

i forgot they cleaned the women's showers at 24, well they changed it  and i had the whole place to myself.  i drove to lucky's and walked the store, no chocolate cake.  on to sunny lib i dropped off a movie and book.  i don't have to stay.  i checked out Sprouts 4 99 cent chips 2 coco drinks.  dollar tree i bought Sunday paper and cruet.  at nob i updated chrome weather and air.  most delicious espresso mixer a dollar, hazel nuts $5.  home by 11:30 for a delicious homemade salad.  snacking on nuts.  

i took out the kitchen garbage full of fruit flies.  i considered Safeway eggs and paying Costco but i'm pacing myself.  i filled gas in car yesterday morning it's the same distance to the seniors.  i'm getting a lot done and feeling better.  i'm learning to pace myself.

i'm on an artificial caffeine high from espresso.  caffeine energy in lots of drinks makes people think they have more energy when they're just drugging themselves.  speed.  i super glued broken eyeglasses and hummingbird wind chime.  i cleaned up the broken plant pot on the porch.  then i rested.  i'm learning to pace myself.  

we may be the last generation to enjoy a democracy

trump sue took down the Ukraine benefit sign.  she wants a dictatorship starring trump.   Putin takes Ukraine like Hitler took Poland.  world war 3 maybe.  Trump will betray America like everyone in his life.  i feel badly for children and immigrants.  they came to escape terrorists and Trump uses fear, threats and terror to control his mob.  hopefully i'll be dead soon.  after 2 Bushes and Trump i'm tired of the fear tactics.  i'm emotionally drained.

or it could be the 75 bad air.  giving me sinus headache.  haven't had in a long time.  

i see the little ones at the library and hope they'll solve global warming.  caused by Texas oil men's greed no one seems concerned we're killing the planet ergo ourselves.  fossil fuels have poisoned the planet and funded middle eastern terrorists.  America's manufactured need for oil created the wealth of Dubai.  a need generated by capitalism.  Henry Ford wanted to run cars on soy bean oil diesel fuel but there wasn't enough money or exclusivity in it to overcome Texas greed.  

well parents are allowing kids to grow without direction.  so maybe it's just the end.  my parents let us run wild so my sisters and most of the world is selfishly concerned only with what they want.  i saw it in my family.  i was the only one concerned with recycling.  they want to trash the planet make it someone else's problem until it impacts their life.  it may be too late.  

i drove to Ukraine benefit cancelled so proceeded to St Just lunch and weekend.  having holiday sale everything $ so my 10 donation i spent on Christmas presents.  in fact i found 11 and left my money home was going to put one back white woman gave me an early gift.  maybe a little hope.

the world was built on the backs of minority women.  we did the work while men took credit and cash.

lovely lunch

i drove to both lucky's and Walmart.  i'll have to check back for shakes.  i got beets.  don't seem to do anything but delicious.  i do love beets.  i bought peach and box felt light.  when i checked in car 2 were empty.  i took it back and they reversed the charge.  

seniors i feel a success filled day.  and i remembered the lotion.  i washed a blue bag with a spilled smoothie.  lots of dye.  today i put it in the wringer.  i didn't yesterday when i washed it out.  i forgot about it 'til today.  i rinsed it again.  

i wonder about some people being sight impaired or just plain rude.  they charge around like they own everything.  

toddler dreams

clear as the full moon.   i'm resolving past issues.  

no bingo size today and Cody bookmobile out sick too.  lunch ok Diana gave me 15 game pieces inspired me, i haven't been playing.  i gave her Cody's avocados.  i considered going home early after cup pick up.  feels too rushed.  i'm taking it easy.  tomorrow shopping.

i printed directions to Saturday Ukraine benefit 11-2.  

dreams all night

I awoke at 6:30 and here i am at seniors.  childhood fear has been bubbling up.  instilled and installed by family to manipulate and control.  the only power bullies have is the past.  

trump uses it to perfection with his minions.  unlike Gru in Despicable Me trump hates and despises his mob.  he didn't have the nerve to lead his January 6 insurrection.  bully and coward.  and his dummies didn't have the brains to figure out if he had a leg to stand on.  they must be loyal to trump like family at all cost.  even betraying democracy.  he's their family.  he's smart enough to use them until they figure it out and turn on him.  he probably has an escape plan like his many bankruptcies.  he always has an escape plan.  

Hilde had gallons of warm chick rice from yesterday.  i got 4 cups and today's tomato soup for dinner and tomorrow's b'fast.

met a Nancy newcomer concerned by Diana's Harangue.  she knew Diana voted for Trump.

I arrived 6:55

it's amazing how many are already here.  still dark.  i soaked for an hour and half.  puzzled new one Indigenous People.  

lunch OK i finally remembered oranges and pears for Toki.  Fred is faithful.  Jane still in a snit at lunch and bingo size.  she sat by herself claiming she needed the room.  

bingo size i'm part of the group.  some won 3-4 times i won once.  90 degrees at 3 pm straight to main.  84 parking.  only 6 degrees such a vast difference.  i knew bad air when i woke wheezing.  

maybe I'll do my medicals

it's a drag.  like it's up to the oldies to support the medical just because they think they can intimidate us with death.  so we're going to die, everyone does.  going to doctors may prolong our lives.  if i can be happier great.  guilt-ing me won't work.  

i finished puzzle.  afternoon i navigated the web.  i finally printed a good map and directions to scc Records 110 W Tasman at 5:30.  i'm persistent.  

perfect sat hot tub 98

soaked 'til 9:30 then on to main library book sale.  no Tina  so i walked and the on to st just for lunch and weekend bag.  from there on to sunny library book sale and drop off pick up.  puzzled for a bit at both.  feeling satisfied.  checked out Sprouts.  home i cooked potatoes water soaked as experiment.    delicious with prepared tuna.  feasting like a queen.