hearty b'fast

 2 eggs, cheese, potatoes.  substantial.  

paid water

and wrote life insurance.  penultimate check and full register.  

I finished puzzle 9:15.  on to stretching.  

my good deed I helped locker lady.  31-1-11 not 31-11-1.  God told me in the shower.  Whew! I feel better about misplacing my lunch utensils after rinsing last week.  and I forgot used Elmo shampoo stolen from shower stall time for new shampoo.  I filled coconut and Argan oil shampoo bottles.  

after lunch I picked up an abandoned side salad.  OK with buffalo chicken pack and Asian dressing.  

just when I think I'm better

I decided on library due to projected 88 degree day.  I drove the back way Kaiser and huge old dark SUV changed lane sped up to HHONNKK at me and I didn't care.  I detoured to St Just for lunch pick up.  Sandy and Chris gave me weekend bags too.  

at library I checked Safeway and Emails I forgot Discover new 23 due date.  so I went to Safeway for low salt chips and free soda.  Prebiotic has fiber.  

returned to library best parking.  picked up and charged 50% phone paid Discover 12:37 pm.  ate my sandwich.  I used to punish myself when I screwed up no more.  

reward for being alive.  I'm human.  I have my purple pillow.  

and I am at peace.  well, I was until Chrome crashed 3:50.  I successfully recovered Email and blogs before having to leave.  

1976 Agoraphobia flashbacks/PTSD

I was afraid of everything.  I was especially afraid I'd kill myself in a head on collision taking out an innocent.  I had no conscious knowledge of my family suicide heritage.  it was the result of my neglectful, abusive marriage a continuation of my childhood.  

last two nights lucid dreams of castle/mansion with elaborate waterbeds in every room.  and silent kitchen remodel while I slept in my current childhood bedroom.  

Lawrence Lucky's no eggs

no medium no large substitutes delivered.  eh.  I did get clearance almond croissants, tomatoes and cucumber.  I asked for no rain checks.  took home, closed window, picked up UV glasses from living room.  

got to seniors, lots of parking.  I puzzled 'til 9, tub 'til 9:30 Cody renewed my chrome and I took back 2/5 movies wouldn't play.  

lunch with Gloria, Fred, Toke, Walter.  then under their influence I let the chrome slip off my cart and one corner rubbed against the pavement.  I felt like an idiot.  I proceeded to Prune ridge Lucky's to check clearance, lots of sale eggs and clearance lemon pie.  I feel better.  

home 12:58 end of Lingo.  

7:10 am

Sunny has 48/61 hot spots.  added 25.  whew!  I paused central 43/36.  

I'm playing my rules the first times in my life.  

Queen of my universe.  the Susanverse.  the Child in us creates and destroys.  Shiva.  

7:09

7:02 am

I woke 6 am.  so good to rest 2 whole days.  no driving no back brace.  

movie 1943 Heaven Can Wait.  Gene Tierney, Don Ameche.  

redeemed free Colombe 12 oz cold brew

 I got 2 Cole slaw kits free using clearance coupons.  3 sale light salt chips $7.50.  they overcharged me $1 for salads.  BOO!  

I bought a bacon egg souffle at Panera and a half off chocolate croissant.  powdered sugar makes all the difference.

I got extra lunch fried rice and tuna sandwich.  Diana gave me 4 Lucky's game pieces I gave her coupons.  Fred and Toke and Walter.

I ate the tuna sandwich and napped.  me so tired.  

"keep calm and carry on" answer on both the Chase and Jeopardy.

ouch-Juneteenth my Freedom

slavery is a physical and mental condition.  conditioning.  we're taught.  like from the musical South Pacific.  

my attention deficit.  I overlooked my rinsed lunch utensils yesterday walked to my car, retraced my steps then when Fred showed up we moved our place mats from the lunch vultures and my utensils were in my coffee cup cooling the heat.  I have to laugh.  I've done this all my life when tired and I don't know it.  

I'm using my pillow.  I'm watching my game shows.  I'm  taking care of my back.  

I'm feeling

I've been numbed out for so long any feeling is raw.  I've survived.  now to learn to live.  

I brought Walter's gifts.  new copper fit hot cold back brace and plant starter kit gathered and put in car last night with my usual paranoia.  family talk in my ear.  he believes his family thoughts.  

living takes thought

thought uses a lot of energy.  today after exercise I ate a cookie and organic apple sauce.  I used to tough it out.  mom refused to feed me.  I got into a habit of self denial.  like Toke.  

Fred's last name Gong.  

bravethinkinginstitute.com energy workers.

huh, still learning

Velcro damage- my dad the sperm donor

my friend Kathy R asked me when my dad died in the 80's because I never talked about him, he never did anything.  makes me sad.  my family makes me sad.

2 pm I decided to go to the library.  new behavior.  I used to obsess about being at the opening. 

my back brace has chewed my clothes.  I threw all I need to repair sass skirt into shoe box.  and I fixed it.  

security guard trying to engage.  no.  I want to choose.  

all Sprouts CBD discontinued clearance 99-$1.19

 I haven't been in I don't know.  10 am I went to St Just closed so I decided to check Sprouts.  clearance kid's ham cheese, BBQ chips, water, cookie, applesauce $4.19 and 99 cent CBD grapefruit flavor seltzer tastes yucky.  

close to seniors I showered with black strap top lovely cool.  velcro bit sassy skirt I'll have to mend.  the little velcro teeth are vicious.  

Toke, Trudy and Ken were biking at seniors.  Sourcewise Aging Fair a secret.  I got lots of fun toys, I made Toke take an insulated lunch bag.  she's so stubborn accepting free stuff.

then I ate my lunch at central.  so perfect, I puzzled, relaxed, watched little ones squealing and running around.  so cute.  a lot of dads with little ones.  

3:30 I started going to Safeway for fried rice and sweet sour chicken, salad mix, free propel drink, clearance 8 X 8 cornbread $2.50.  

home 5 pm for Idiot Test.  9 pm watching James Brown movie 'Get on Up'.

I'm praying

Jen took away Saturday pools.  let's see what else we lose.  

and no seniors are concerned our civil liberties are threatened.  it's gossip as usual.  

I love my freedom

I can soak I do what I want.  I'm still adapting.  it still feels raw.  I'm enjoying my cats puzzle and stretching my back.  

I hope it lasts my lifetime.  Trump is in the news taking over the Kennedy Center as chairman of the board packing it with his appointees like the Supreme Court.  when asked his favorite character in Les Miserables he turned to Melania who shrugged it off.  he just enjoys people suffering.  

and the coverage TMZ had of 4 disrespectful security men taking down Senator Alex Padilla and handcuffing an obviously non violent man.  AMAZING!  no freedom of speech for some people already.  

not happy

I called Stephen Kohlwaeis after looking up mountain time an hour ahead.  I missed his 2 calls he'll let me know when he finds out what's what.  sounds like the same letter as March.  Letter Of Representation.  makes me feel unloved by the universe.  my family trained me.  I'm unlearning.

my eyes and sinuses are raging.  my allergies are so bad.  

Fred packed his lunch and left, Toki was late, Walter sat with Inge.  if not for them I'd lunch at Sunny.  Toki said the suggested donation is going up to $5 on July 1.  home by 12:35.  lovely cool.

my nose is stuffy from Canadian wildfires smoke-CSAA letter

my throat and sinuses blocked.  my stomach is hurting from mucus.  too much pollution.  

makes me wonder how people closer to the fires are doing.  

after tub my back is screaming.  feels broken.  2 willow will make me better.  

I'm sipping grapefruit soda for my cramps from too much acid.  terrible painful cramping.  like 1972 and 2001.  my feet are icy from poor circulation pinched nerves.

and it's worse.  I got letter from CSAA Stephen Kohlwaies regarding last year car incident.  I don't know the effect on my insurance.  I put in a call.  

I cooked noodles with broth.  my eyes are burning and I'm coughing.  

bad air overcast making me sleepy

it's up to me to make my life fun.  

pondering

I rested and felt like checking Nob Hill.  no clearance, nada, nothing.  I bought frozen 2 burritos, green peas.  

I forgot to check Costco gas prices.  eh, tomorrow.  

9 am 24 gym

last space at end.  showered then on to $ tree I bought 4 spaghetti o's.  

St Just lunch pick up Sandy and Charity I talked to Gloria whose dad died 2 weeks ago Wednesday his 3rd time hospitalized.  so she's walking to save her sanity.  main library K-Pop day kids all over.  I puzzled 'til 3 decided to pick up Sunny and tomorrow main again.  

4 pm Sunny library.  on to Nob Hill 95014 pork fried rice and sweet sour chicken, salad mix.  home 5:26 half hour traffic 5 miles.  oh, so good.  microwave too.  I could eat it all at once.  lovely fun eating with Idiot Test.  I ate fruit tart first while my food was cooking.  Heavenly.  

big huge mistake to forget my purple pillow.  I left it in the car.  my back felt broken later.  

free Lindt truffle Lucky's

oh, DMV car registration renewal.  24 hour I showered and stretched, entered my games, Wheel.  Lucky's I walked the store bought cucumber and Rosemary entered 3 tickets.  

and I forgot DMV until 9:53 sitting waiting for Cup library to open.  I picked up 'Day the earth stood still' remake and straight to Cup Safeway.  bought my $5 Friday fruit tart and renewed DMV.  then straight Homestead to senior center 11:17 Fred held table, Walter beat Toke and Salome last.  it was OK.  they gave us small scoop vanilla ice cream to charge left overs to senior lunch program.  I know accounting.  

7:45 am space 10

#1, #3, #7, #10.  all in the timing.  I'm sitting in the gym wearing my freshly laundered dress.  9:30 time to move.  I entered all my sweeps.  

I walked Lucky's clearance almond croissants and Mac ice cream.  I redeemed bonus points with Rosemary only 3 tickets at a time.  she kept trying while the checkout line backed up.  so I told her another day.  

senior lunch weird looked like dog food.  supposed to be Korean nasi goreng.  Fred ate half gave me the rest.  Walter and Salome are the same.  I told the table the 18th is his b'day.  Toke seemed more rested.  

I did a lot yesterday and am still tired.  I fell asleep halfway through People Puzzler.  Leah Remini and Melissa Peterman are so supportive of their contestants.  Ken has to act smarter like he isn't given the answers and Ryan is defensive like someone may attack.  

the air quality is terrible between the Australian dust storm and Canadian fires.  I woke up congested and have been drinking extra water to flush the toxins.  

8 am good parking @ gym

following Spirit I mailed fit test, withdrew Chase, deposit *1 didn't open 'til 10.  I used the time to organize trunk, sitting waiting.  Lucky laundry 1.1 mi.  $4.75 for 2-3 load machine.  

found a nickel at 24 hour and penny @ laundromat.  I love finding money.

11:07 opened 1 door @ seniors.  jen, amber, hilda love torturing us.  the chimichurri pork was pretty good.  I got extra roasted red potatoes and later veg.  Salome showed up Toke said Salome missed me Fri and Mon had a dress for me she gleaned during clean up.  she and Walter are two peas.  

7:45 gym-daily word Divine Order-DO

the energy here 24 Hour is better.  the difference between life and death.  or maybe living and dying.  

10:30 seniors many didn't know closed.  lots of cars parked then left.  I looked at June newsletter online no pools Fridays and Saturdays.  for staff use only.  I'm blessed to have 24 to swim.  well, parking will be better Saturday's at seniors for gym use.  

finally opened doors 11:07.  Fred and Toke worth the mediocre food.  everyone curious I cancelled yesterday Nahyoung asked I didn't answer.  I chose not to answer new behavior for me.  Hilda etc stood around speculating.  so transparent.  seems to me they don't want work.  

Walter somehow different.  this closure may be a blessing.  he's more thoughtful.  

Lucky's gym 3 I'm #1 parking

 8 am is a good time for gym.  I can take my time.  Seniors closed this week except for the lunch county program.  applications closed so last week I asked Armando and they're still accepting new clients here at Sunny.  I thought as much since it's county not city.  Sunny lunch is first come first served.  once they're full that's it.  Friday was maybe 2/3 full.  

9:30 Monday Sunny lunch very noisy.  no music yet.  OK 10 am.  it's so nice to listen to music r/t complaints and 'god ain't it awful's.  so many kind courteous characters.  Survivors.  10:24 no more place settings.  insanity Claus sat across from me trying horrible not funny jokes.

I stayed 'til 11:30 music ended.  home 11:39.  new Me.  I considered Nob Hill maybe later maybe not.  I wanted accurate mileage.  

sitting at seniors-new behaviors for a new life

I learn so much from observing people.  I puzzled, entered my contests.  I love living for myself.  I've been a slave.  freedom is scary good.  

I showered.  online I managed to load free Safeway 12 oz Starbucks and decided I have all day to stretch.  my new behaviors are all about stretching.  

paid Citibank-no wi-fi at Sunny lunch-Armando

I picked up free Ardor energy at Lucky's after gym shower at 8.  clearance almond pastry and sale Pringles.  

I drove to Citibank wouldn't print payment receipt.  I arrived Sunny lunch 9:30 the parking brisk.  

one thing at a time.  the lack of wi-fi is a good thing to help keep me in focus.  Armando advised me to arrive early on salmon day due to high demand.  

Lucky clerk gave me 12 game tickets ends 7/15.  I had to go to library to use internet to enter codes.  (monopoly I waited to enter codes all at once and found restrictions per day.)  I rested and looked at the puzzles.  I got home 1:10 for game shows.  I love a relaxed life.  happy Friday to me.  

tomorrow going to Sunny lunch

I'm feeling autism anxiety.  new things are a challenge.  I'm taking care of me.  not sacrificing my good feels weird.  I'm so used to denying myself pleasure.  my family trained me to suffer.  I'm so used to sabotage I do it to myself occasionally.  I'm improving.  I'm sitting comfortably in the car in the shade.  

sat in car doing June bills.

I have 98% of my life experience with adversity.  heaven is scary when I have been lied to and cheated by my family.  still.  I expect the world to end.  my sisters are more than capable of crazy.  I expected Mitzi to be sane but she always sides with crazy to avoid conflict.  she just perpetuates the crazy.  

sometimes wandering the wilderness feels safer

I woke with a vacuum in the pit of my stomach.  I wondered if it was new or had I always had it.  

I googled stomach vacuum it's a real thing.

maria safeway

gym#2 Safeway and Cup.  no free soda no blueberry almonds.  I enjoyed the drive.  no traffic.  

9:30 am on to Mission Walmart.  I finally know I don't like driving the expressway.  I like taking my time and the scenic route.  I got CoQ10 and eye vitamins I needed.  it's a bigger store, better parking.  

home 10:30 am.  time to ponder.  

$tree leggings-i forgot Safeway free soda

I slept 12 hours reminding me when I was bed ridden.  my back was so messed up.  I was musclebound.  I was so sick my digestion so restricted I ended up in emergency twice not able to tolerate water.  eventually I discovered grapefruit juice a miracle.  

best memorial weekend 70-72 degrees.  Perfect.  library is my haven-heaven.  tomorrow all stores open.  

home 4:22 from home Safeway.  shade parking no soda.  no almonds I wanted.  salad mix and shaved cheeses, clearance drinks and baby food.  maybe super store tomorrow.  

I walked nob hill 7:30 am-returned hot spot

too early for seniors.  bought Mac cheese no sale tuna salad left I bought  chicken 2/$3.  

seniors comfortable I drove to St Just closed I continued to Cup.  I visualized perfect shady parking.  driving to I realized Lexus big L-oser.  picked up my holds, asked about renewal/update.  they need to see license.

Sunny library Hula dancers.  Twice.  Hmm..  my taste in clothing comfort hula dresses.  big school.  many costumes all styles I would wear.  where ware.  I returned hot spot.  

I stopped at Sunny dollar tree for nuggets, glucosamine, tuna salad and mouthwash.  home at 1 pm I toasted Toke corn pudding and nuked nuggets fries.  2:30 I needed a nap.  4:45 I woke from lovely, restorative, deep sleep.  just perfect to watch Idiot Test. 

pondering the rest of my day

G Lucky's had 2 freebies today garlic I can't believe it's butter and 16.9 oz recover drink I got watermelon flavor today.  I got ads for Toke and I.  clearance almond bear and half peach pie, 4 lays chips for 2.    

I did the hukilau hula with the lunch entertainment.  I remembered most of the song but not the dance.  I answered biggest island Hawaii for treats gave a biscotti to Fred.  Toke didn't want any treats brought us mini apple pie.  great refillable sanitizer I made Walter get one.  high blood pressure I'm so excited.  mirror, water best water bottle ever, things I wanted.  last health fair for this year.  

I'm trying not to over do.  I'm still so excited I want to run and run.  I entered my contests.  I want my libraries.  tomorrow.  or Sunday.

1:30 I'm hungry.  weird fish, sweet potato, bread butter, Cole slaw possible onions I gave to Toke.  my stomach is already upset.  windy 10 mph air full of junk.  I ate prep tuna sandwich and lunch banana.  

I automatically tuned to Happy's Place-Reba McEntire.

11:30 pm

I'm feeling surprisingly well.  I'm getting enough rest.  I watched "New Tricks" that I missed 2003 due to exploratory surgery to remove 32 year cyst not cancer from diseased Ex.  2 times in emergency from dehydration 3 hour IV and catheter.  my back was so messed up I couldn't even keep water down for 3 days.  so Emetrol.  and looking up paxil I needed to wait 2 weeks to take after Wellbutrin.  no wonder I was poisoned.  Kaiser was so bad.

Toki gave me some weird corn ? pudding?  I don't know.  I started a new puzzle and the Van Gogh almond blossoms has reappeared.  maybe later.

anchor less adrift unhindered

I'm floating on my ocean paradise.  I finished the cat puzzle 2 missing pieces.  lunch was perfect.  Walter sat talking to Gloria about his father's death while her father lies in the hospital again.  he has no discernment totally selfish like his father.  preferring to be a child.  

I'm done.  he can recreate the past I'm getting on with my future.  he doesn't have to want to be happy.  he can settle for normal.  

I'm watching my game shows

I'm relaxed.  I'm practicing living stress free.  Freedom from the past.  they controlled me using fear.  Like Trump.  he manipulates people using their emotions against them.  I recognized the technique.

I'm praying

 for all of us.  even the moaning and groaning.  woman telling me I'm lucky when she complains about her sight but refuses to correct with A Reds vitamins, W H Bates Vision Improvement.  I work at being the best me I can be.  do nothing and complain or be the best.  SIMPLE.  

caring and sharing-Sylvia-Sat 31 BBQ 6:30

half hour early I asked homes' Safeway manager free drink wouldn't load.  problem with online.  used over ride for freebie and I bought 4 chips.

Lisa invited me to St Justin senior lunch bingo so I came.  Sylvia saw me sitting alone and kept me company.  coffee is making me sweat.  Costco Alfredo chicken, Cesar salad, roll and butter, vanilla or chocolate ice cream cup.  I feel at home.  Jane, Lisa, Ron, Ed, Victor from senior center.  I won twice.  $2 pots.  everyone should experience such lovely events.  

I did it.  I used my purple seat pillow.  

I'm buying things I don't need

I'm terrified.  I've no idea what I'm doing.  my life is my own for the first time.  

watching the final season of Cheers.  my best consistent relationships was always TV.  reliable characters.  basically loving caring human.   

1993 mom's suicide brought everything into focus.  explained so much about their behavior.  and why I missed watching the end.  I was in shock.  the others were pretending it wasn't happening.  4 against me.  just like always.  

OK YES TO LIFE

today's daily word.  I wasn't feeling it when I woke.  11:26 after puzzle, soak stretch, Valley Village Jumble, St Just lunch pick up, central book sale, I reminded myself.  I ate lunch, found 5 items.  an incredible egg and cheese cookbook, another copy of Stuber, 2004 British Alice in Wonderland, Margaret Cho autobiography, I've never seen Broke back Mtn.  

ice chocolate

my reward for picking up free Peace tea and Mauna Loa clearance $4.53.  $3 under cooked cornbread.  it occurred to me same as hot chocolate but frozen.  and Costco gas at SC $.25 less/gal than sunny.  so I sat eating my treat and space #1 opened and I moved my car.  today's health fair half is handicapped parking.  

I puzzled.

playing sans punishment-Kelly Howell Exalted

playing on the puzzle is relaxing.  gives me a chance to assimilate and accept my healing.  allows my unconscious to fix things.  my auto pilot.  

Course in Miracles is all about mental discipline.  I told Walter he has to control his mind like a puppy.  minds are tools that plan, organize and construct.  

Valley Village Jumble tomorrow Fri 1-5 Sat 10-3.  

I love playing

I was never allowed.  they could play I had to work.  mom said it was because I didn't complain.  Lies!  I was punished.  they turned complaining into their life's work.  

heaven is unknown territory.  it's specific and personal.  hell is everywhere.  heaven is new and experimental.  

6:21 am went to Nob Hill for mom's 24th death a versary

 the week mom took dad's sleeping pills she had me drive her to 3 stores, walked around didn't buy anything.  I was annoyed.  driving home looking out the passenger window she asked if I knew dad's father hung himself.  WHAT?  no way.  if at 43 no one ever talked about it how would I know.  Now I know why we moved away from Hawaii to California.  to hide the truth.  and I realize why my suicide research beginning at 16 freaked her.  

so today I told Walter about the purple car seat I've been sleeping on and 100% better.  he argues he has a memory foam mattress topper and I reply yeah it's working so well you can't sleep.  LOL.  he has an excuse to keep his pain.  I told him if he wants to keep his pain so badly he has a right I just don't want to hear his complaints.  he's fighting so hard to stay in pain.  his physical pain is preferable to his emotional pain.  his chickens care more about his comfort than he does and if he truly cares about his chickens he has to do something.  he's thinking.  I think.

and now "Young Frankenstein".

feeling sad

we torture ourselves in an attempt to control our feelings.  we tell ourselves what makes us feel better.  part of ourselves knows the truth. 

It rained hard at 9 am.  I was in the tub and cut my soak short to close the car window.  everyday's a little harder.    

thanks to all.  I put out garbage and came home to a parking space after moving the left neighbor's bin.  lunch was OK with Fred and Toki.  she forgot comics for the first time.  I found partial 49/64 box of dark choc liquors exp 8/3/24 dried still delicious.

Bartolo and Della put in 2 hours 3-5.  Clean up done today.  

half hour

to move my car into front van gone, prep and cook asparagus.  even more delicious.  soaking it overnight plumps and sweetens fruit.  and I have stems to toss or trim.  nuked bite sized pieces 4 minutes tossed in tips to cook by residual heat.  best breakfast yet.  

when mom died mother's day 2001 I cried as I'm crying now.  I'll never know love.  all love is based on mother love.  I give up.  Karen Carpenter's "I'll Say Goodbye to Love".  she died of anorexia feeling unloved while a world loved her music.  I always suspected a lot of control and abuse from her family.  it's hard to recover from lack of mother love.

I'm re watching all 8 Harry Potter movies.  a lot of people identify as orphans.  

I just realized the cover of release guilt is the oil I painted before 1988.  reminded me of Nora Gemini Books Morgan Hill.  she has big business Angel Star.  she and her 2 sons.  

'ruh-row'-Scooby Do

I may take a third picture.  

I puzzled at seniors, soaked feeling sad and decided to go to St Just early for a change.  10 am long line so I people watched for half hour.  I got sandwiches and weekend bag with extra waters, tuna.  

library parking lots of cars unusual.  LEGO day lots of kids to cheer me.  funny babies.  I guess why people have kids.  I pray for them.  life is more complicated exponentially.  

I'm changing.  this is the first year I want to use city clean up.  I'm thinking.  and I announced I'm having lunch at Sunny 5/30.  and I tired of listening to DNA repair I'm back with Kelly.  I borrowed classical stretch and tone up.  I'm reading Heal Your Gut by Partha Nandi, MD.  this and chiropractics for my best life.   ALL I NEED.  I went for my third picture and decided I wanted to pick up more movies.  I looked online and decided on county pick up.  I prayed for the perfect shade spot and parked mail courier none on Saturday.  feeling good I drove to Sunny parked across street in shade.  rescued water bottles tossed garbage.  

nothing at Sprouts, G Lucky's I bought my frozen fried rice and asparagus for dinner.  home no street parking I expected neighbors to take advantage so I parked in my driveway.  I took out tom's lawn mower from garage.  

dropped spot charger

I picked up free drink and almond bear claw pastry $3/ from 7 at Lucky's.  I puzzled at seniors no spot charger.  I started to panic and assessed my options.  it's just a cord.  I can get another, etc.  

everyone buzzing over mom day lunch salmon wild? rice, no asparagus substituted brussel sprouts.  ice cream cup fun instead of strawberries and cream.  Cesar salad.  Walter showed up early.  senior Shen Yung group entertained again.  

spot charger was on the floor at home.  I was wiped out walking and talking at the health fair for 45 minutes.  I sorted through all the info.  

I napped 3-4.  back to my game shows.  13th is coming up.  I've been too sick and distracted to process and release mom's death.  I feel so much stronger this year.  it's tied up to my sisters' betrayal.  another emotional hit.  

watching my shows

making myself happy.  I'm feeling guilty feeling happy.   bingo exercise I had 34 wins I earned 2 bags, car tool, motion rechargeable light.  I feel rich.  

Toki and Walter held our seats.  Trudy and Ken too.  Walter's calming.  I asked him to back off Nahyoung as a favor to me.  he's thinking about it.  

my back is screaming I'm not wearing a brace.  I'm motivated to keep moving.  

I'm charging my phone thru' chrome

 today's penultimate bingo exercise class.  I have 30 points.

Walter is acting the fool.  he blames Nahyoung for his pain just like his father blamed everyone else.  then he's helpless to improve his life.  he trusts Jennifer.  

wheel is not updating.  

I love my game shows

Ben Glieb is so funny and Leah Remini is so compassionate no matter how nervous and inept the contestants are.  makes me smile.  

Walter played the brat again today.  he's just not dealing with his dad's death energy.  his choice.  I have to let go and let God.  yesterday I called his behavior obstreperous and he asked what it meant I told him difficult.  an obstacle.  he said people give him a hard time I told him doesn't give him the right to do it to others especially when they give it back.  Nahyoung does not consider it flirting or fun.  

the food is sub par.  I can understand it not being important to him but he does have friends here seniors.  

praying for Walter

we are constantly praying.  our brains are generating energy creating our experience.

Star wars day

still processing feeling depressed.  the parents never dealt with their feelings just vomited them on others blamed for their imperfect lives.  the only way to happiness is through the pain and darkness.  

I could never make anyone happy and was resented for my happiness.  it takes work, focus, courage.  others are jealous and resentful.  they try to sabotage.  stay focused and run away.  

waiting seniors 7:49 Danny's recycle

I got in the car at 7:37 and decided to try Danny's recycle $5.11.  so fast I'm amazed.  I feel loved by the universe when things go my way.  

I soaked then drove to Merriwest for deposit and Sprouts walk chick salad .475 lb $2.42 I found to try.  St Justin sandwich lunch pick up, library I returned a hot spot.  my back is screaming from 1972 damage.  time for willow.

I just found out I can charge my phone through the chrome USB port.  and I called checked deposit.  I rested 'til 2:30 drove to $-tree remembered I wanted chick nuggets/crinkle fries and found chick sticks/mac.  20 oz Welch's pineapple soda one time buy 163% sugar 2 fake dyes.  delicious.

3 pm ate half chick salad.  waiting for 5 pm Idiot Test.  

I'm freaking out and calming myself.  I woke feeling depressed and hopeless, my mom's life.  they never dealt with their feelings blaming me.  torturing me.  that's what Walter does.  creates now situations to blame his feelings on.  that's what ex did too as if he was being persecuted.  

WOW!  Epiphany.  mom, ex, Walter prefer their pain.  they don't want anything else.

paid Citibank-health fair 1st of 4 Fridays

I picked up free sangria soda, walked Lucky's store.  

tables are set up so no room for seniors.  I'm hanging in the computer room.  I exercised early with nothing else to do.  my back was literally killing me.  I felt I was dying.  2001 all over again.  10 more days to 24 years.  I took a willow and the inflammation is gone, pain is less.  

the damage from last year's collision is ricocheting up and done my spine into my hips, legs, feet.  my neck and arms, shoulders compromised.  

bad move to let it go.  it's not letting me go.  

Walter isn't aware of his pain and how he holds on so tight.  I made him get a magnifier for Teresa.  he's learned to deflect keeping his pain intact.  

I came home for 1 pm Idiot Test.  picked up Sunny movies to return.  checked hot spot and movies.  home 5 pm Idiot test.  

yippee!!

I picked up a small bag of plastic bottles from Inge.  decided to go  to seniors.  Danny's recycle can wait.  

I soaked, stretched, bingo exercise, lunch, mailed life, withdrew chase and home for Idiot Test.  and I have so many options.  

deposit can wait.  Sunny spot either today or tomorrow.  

different pain

my muscles feel used.  tired sore is different from injured sore.  I soaked, biked, stretched 4 bingo, I was tired fell asleep watching TV.  

me unbound

my muscles are finally responding.  all my exercise had no effect on frozen muscles.  I soaked for half an hour, biked and stretched.  total 2 1/2.  

lunch was OK.  Asians are ridiculous.  they want to be fed first so they flock like birds moving from table to table.  if not for Andy leaving early we wouldn't have had a seat for Toki.  she's always so late.  I don't know.  

I'm having a lot of physical emotional discomfort.  Walter seems OK.  he's had the benefit of my expertise while I've had no one.  

new me

I admit I hate my life.  I have to start here to change.  

so I exercised 2 1/2 hours.  4 is optimum for great health.  I soaked to warm up, biked intensely half hour, stretched.  I've decided puzzling is no longer worth my energy.  I started going to seniors to rehab my back and I'm better.  too much trauma drama puzzle table.  Mall no support. 

lunch OK.  we all had sandwiches.  tiny 1/4 cup arugula salad I added to r b.  I remembered to tell Walter about the Gut health book.  only 5 pages with a lot of repetition and case studies.  if he's interested he can look online.  

my right temple just above my eye is so sore.  

Seabiscuit 2003-baby hummingbird gone

I loved horses and read all the books.  kept me sanely separate from my family.  

in 2003 I had a fibroid tumor the size of a grapefruit.  my sisters accused me of lying and Mitzi decided to ambush me the day of my pre-op embarrassing me in front of my doctor accusing her too, refusing to attend the exploratory surgery.  all that turmoil I've avoided, denying my feelings, my pain humiliation.  they were constantly shaming and embarrassing me.  my entire life was HELL.  

I can admit it now I'm finally safe 74 years later.  that's when PTSD shows up.  why so many celebrities end up dead.  

4 pm I put out garbage replaced liner.  10 minutes outside I forgot to wipe off pollen and have a sinus headache.  I wonder how much eye problems are affected by sinuses.  5-7 pm Idiot Test.

next horse movie Tolkien "War of the Rohhirim".

seniors I soaked and biked (Mike's memorial)

I left the pound of dried pinto beans and found 7 magazines.  great to read on the bike.  bread cast on the water.  

I'm feeling glum.  I kept waking up.  when Eric and George died I was so sick I couldn't drive and Tom and Brian took me.  

11:30 I drove to Legion debating where to park.  Gloria showed up spotting Toki who parked next to me.  we went in together Ken and Trudy saved a table and Fred and Debi came later.  1 pm lunch catered by Gunther's restaurant on Meridian Ave was delicious BBQ like Mike enjoyed.  so many funny stories about Mike's friendliness.  2 pm I headed out to central collected my holds and puzzled 'til close at 4.  I remembered I wanted chick nuggets from $ tree 4 was all they had perfect and I picked up batteries.  home to Idiot Test at 5.  I feel supported and nurtured for the first time in my life.  

no Van Gogh puzzle

I leisurely went to prune Lucky's picked up free 64 oz fruit drink and bought one for $2.50.  then Walmart remodeling mess I paid my PGE and bought beets.  much fewer choices.  my medicare OTC card wouldn't work.  I called Felicia customer service thinking I misplaced my new card.  good through 3/27.  it's not me this time.  2 hours I looked for a new card.

I don't have to puzzle here.  Mall told a woman she could have a puzzle who chose the Van Gogh and put out trash like empty isn't better.  obvious control freak forcing their choice not on me.  

lunch good company Fred and Toki.  I shared Jodi's avocado perfectly ripe.  Walter sat with Teresa.  I left early off the hook.  

I plan on Cup due to preempted wheel jeopardy by NFL draft.  or tomorrow.

I love my game shows more than sleep.  my peeps too.  Fred and Toki are just as anxious as I am about Mike's memorial tomorrow.  

going to bed early is great

I love feeling great.  that's what living is.  enjoyment.  raising positive healthy vibrations.  

lovely cool overcast day.  I am enjoying watching my game shows.

at seniors my car was covered in sycamore pollen.  I used my brush and as quickly as I brushed it off it kept dusting my car.  home I parked it in front I may go to county to pick up movies.  I may not.  

I was so allergic I fell asleep twice watching Idiot Test.  I woke well rested.

6 pm I drove to Sunny.  Sprouts then library.  I found an interesting oddly shaped puzzle and stayed 'til 9 pm close.  

Bliss

I soaked and biked half an hour to balance the lack of bingo exercise.  new behaviors.  

I must love my friends a lot.  the food is blah the people terrific.  Gloria N came for lunch so I had company saving places.  bingo exercise was cancelled so I biked 30 minutes to balance.  

best ever trivia show 5-6 am

mom day and Walter Sr day coming up I feel sick.  my stress and upset over Eric, George and now Mike.  Saturday is Mike's celebration of life.  I think Pandora was in shock when she set the date 2 months ago.  I'm still in shock.  I've been so sick the last 25 years I haven't processed much of my pain.  I'm still crying.  

I made chick nugget and cooked some asparagus using the free sizzle drizzle.  eh, OK.  

Coleman Costco cheaper 7 am little traffic

all this time I've mistakenly chosen more stress.  I washed the asparagus soaking the bundle in water overnight.  then I removed the bands and snapped the ends.  easy.  

I toasted the Safeway garlic bread not as buttery toasted.  

I'm feeling very content.  I'm loving the Zum pine spray I bought for 50 cents at Lucky's.  it's calming.  

Cup I returned to Via Vico Easter Sunday driving even better than Superbowl

I went to big cup Safeway forgetting library closed.  I bought my 4 chips and got free water.  I expected city not county to close since Sunny is open.  gave me an opportunity to relax and ponder.  

started heating up so I stopped and showered at Fremont St gym.  still only 72 degrees but I've been on the constant move.  I checked and walked gym Safeway used found Starbucks card for ham Swiss croissant delicious.  

Sunny library I arrived 12:45 puzzled 'til 4:30 picked up 'All Creatures...' and 'Heal'.

air.now says moderate I don't agree.  Sprouts I bought pumpkin pie $4.59.  Nob hill closing 6 pm I talked to Me Me.  she's well.  3 sale Mac nuts $5.99, sale $3.99 frozen sour passion fruit chunks, frozen peas $2.48, salad mix $1.98.  perfectly delicious salad.  frozen peas defrost in salad sweet.  

I totally forgot Idiot Test watched second hour.  I'm so passion fruit relaxed I don't care.  

I feel renewed same old senior center

I soaked at seniors, drove to St just closed Holy Saturday, picked up library movies, drove to $ tree 6 frozen dinners $1 tub.  

watching Tug of Words-Sunny Seniors

aging.ca.gov for questions.  Lucky's bought 5 low salt Fritos for 2.  free sizzle drizzle and clearance 4 almond bear claws $3.

10 am oh Sunny seniors Armando @ Methodist church happening place.  Fri live 8 piece big band music.  packed with mostly Asians.  I blend right in.  real coffee cups and plates.  the food good on site cooking.  chicken cordon Bleu, real cheesy scalloped potatoes, crunchy prepped cauliflower broccoli.  I didn't want home baked whole wheat roll or 2% milk.  banana and brownie.  

Sunny library I checked puzzles, picked up Wicked, Moana 2, Sleep Therapy Music.  Sprouts I bought 3 clearance calm Gummies $31.  

home 12:30 Lingo.  everything next to my TV chair fell over and I just picked it up no biggy.  calm.  

55 degrees

I'm so glad tomorrow center is closed.  I can rest.  I looked online Sunny senior lunch open tomorrow.  

Walter is in rare form.  he's stressing over his dad's b'day 5/4 coming up.  he's annoying as all get out.  he's dumping his pain over anyone who'll listen and avoiding feeling. processing, eliminating pain.  I can't sanction this.  

woo hoo I'm researching Sunny senior lunch tomorrow then library, Sprouts, $tree.  

man gave me 2 Denny's pancakes hilde put out from last Saturday.  were frozen.  whipped butter.  

one piece of bacon filled me up

I've decided to let Monstro have the nurses station.  they haven't supported me like others.  I have the rest of the planet.  no more toxic situations.

I'm watching Whoopi on Broadway.  she's so talented.  

seniors sycamore still dropping seeds.  Mallory fixed puzzle blaming cleaners.  I related Monstro's boast of doing what she wants.  

bingo size was tough.  I'm feeling it.  

oh, tax day my Monstro b'day

I forgot.  Monstro came looking for me when I wasn't at the puzzle table.  I read magazines from 2022 from the car.  as I passed her in the hall she said bitch so I did too.  ha ha ha ha ha.  

lunch I held Toki's place.  Diane took Fred's.  then she hinted trading chairs.  I don't like being tested.  no way, I know she's not my friend.  metro sex offered her a lunch she declined but wouldn't let me have it.  Not my friend.  likes to try to pull my chain.  

so home 12:15.  Sunny has Wicked ready.  I'm playing.  I love watching people win money.  gives me hope some people are smart.  

I'm slow simmering the bacon.  12 pieces to a pound.  I used the real estate section of the newspaper, 2 sheets of parchment.  5 minutes high, 25 simmer.  so greasy in the microwave.  

I ate 5 pieces in tomato sandwich.  so good.  I didn't miss the lettuce at all.  

absolutely beautiful day

full moon from Saturday.  I put out garbage.  

54 degree perfect morning to return county movies.  lovely cool light traffic.  both machine returns broken I found the manual slot.  

senior at 6:45 perfect.  I puzzled then soaked.  lunch was good.  Toki was very late.  everyone upset to sit at round tables left over from Saturday's Easter bunny.  I have better things to concern myself.  I got extra mash and sweet carrots.  

Monstro back at puzzle table saying she does what she wants.  I already have an older sister don't want another.  home 12:45.  games I like.

life as easy as TV dinners

that's what I want.  I made 2 for b'fast.  I'm relaxing.  

I watched Hallmark Lifestyle movies comparing the families to my family.  I've never done that with my conditioning of fear of punishment precluding even thinking of criticizing.  my mom and dad chose to remain children.  children having children is the root of all evil.  not love of money.  the greedy selfishness continues and increases as the number of people increases.  more waste, pollution, hunger, pointless death.  

I recycle as much as I can.  

I paid my city water bill by phone.  I tried online for hours and it said a server problem.  new behavior.  phew! I'm exhausted.  

10 am Easter egg hunt senior center-YIPPEE!! hot spot! 1:50 pm

the old and new.  3-10 yrs old. 

I puzzled, soaked.  on to St Just lunch pick up.  Charity and Sandy not Nancy.  they asked if I wanted chips 2 extra and tiny cottage cheese pineapple.

2/6-4/12 without wifi due back 5/3.  

full day @ 9 am

free pop well prebiotic soda.  I bought lava Reese's cup and 2 clearance 50 cent spray Zum freshener.  pine scented.  then on to $ tree.  metal hair clip, 2 glucose, pool slippers, clearance parchment and wax paper, juice, 3 plastic lidded bowls.  

a full day.  I showered in my new slippery bath flips using my new metal hair clip.  and the cafeteria is full of pollen so I'm wearing a mask.  and I have no idea what I did with my tomato.  I thought it was in my lunch bag.  

found it under central movies.  

I found my chamomile lavender tea

Rainbow hummingbird has been feeding her baby pretty much non stop.  it's big.

my parents did everything for themselves.  they stayed as children like X.  like tom.  they were horrible parents they remained children NEVER growing up.  that's what I like about the animated movie UP.  adults taking care of animals and children.  not wimping out like my family.

I waited for Cody no bookmobile.  he usually reminds me.  earth day at central park.  lunch fun with Fred, Ken and Trudy, Toki, Walter.  I got extra with support vibes.  ground turkey, beans, squash.

home 12:30 I watched Lingo.  then my games.  3 pm I paid Citibank due today, deposit Merriwest Star One, dropped off Sunny movies, walked library, checked out puzzles considered Harry Potter.  on to Sprouts for clearance half peach pie and 4 cherry turnovers.  home to good eats.

I'm living for me

I considered Sunny library returns maybe tomorrow.  I tested the umbrella LED light 4 AA batteries 3 way works great and the fancy glass perfume bottle I picked up Saturday with St Just lunch.  

took me half an hour to find snack bar coupons I put in a red pack thinking I'd remember.  

bingo exercise wants to change to 2 hours once a week.  doesn't appeal to me.  my brain is definitely better with the stimulation.  the music and dancing are a huge part.  the air quality is so bad even with conditioning.  i had to ask to turn on the fans.  sometimes I wonder at the lack of thinking and feeling.  

I was locked out of voice mail.  Hunter patiently talked me through it.  I had to shut off phone 1 and talk on phone 2.  after half an hour the reboot worked.  

man entered tub reminded me of X

I started sneezing and my head stopped up.  wow, stayed congested until I showered.  

lunch a tiny seafood salad Walter got me an extra pasta meal.  and home for 1 pm kid idiot test.  

another monday

somehow background colors changed to blue.  I prefer pink or green.  the format has changed.  

Library Shepherds Purse drying out

I'm detoxing.  I've been eating herbs forgetting to drink more water and schedule more rest.  oh, silly me.  drink more water, schedule more rest.  I decided to swing by Sprouts goat cheese $2.49 I bought 2.   

I puzzled at the seniors then went to the tub.  I'm improving my relaxation skills.  then St Just lunch pick up I completely forgot the rummage sale did a quick walk through nothing.  I finally figured out to eat the meat and cheese not the bread.  

smoker's cough

all at once.  I never smoked much, just enough to balance the absence of second hand smoke.

today whew!

I paid prop tax.  I'm so tired.  the hardest job is to keep enjoying life.

I'm amazed how little people care about the only planet we have.  the planet we rely on for everything.  simple survival.  maybe mankind is suicidal.

I'm feeling exhausted.  I soaked, looked up KK re accident suit.  then picked up salad, gave John my soup and went upstairs 10 minutes to my appointment Bill gave away my time to girls standing in front of the center half hour.  good to know his lack of respect.  

I'm eating a hamburger I found yesterday under fruit veg.  2 min/3 oz patty.  12 patties=36 oz.  2 lbs 4 oz.  

and watching "Bell, Book and Candle" one of my favorite movies.  

I'm crying over my past

I haven't had the energy or inclination  to revisit 2001.  Glory brought up the pain of betrayal which logically I denied in order to function.  I don't need the illusion any more.  they're snakes I can leave behind.  I don't owe them anything.  

I called 8 am having written 9-1:30.  I'm more upset than I realize.  I'm too used to caring for others when I'm stressed I revert to times when my physical survival depended on others surviving first.  I'm better, not good yet.  nice 7 minute conversation regarding 1 or 2 topics.  They don't advise car accidents but lawyers' referrals.  so I want clarification on my family inheritance issues.  were they criminal, is embezzlement actionable?  would they have gone to jail?  for my peace of mind and heart I need to be able to resolve the actions taken and omitted.  all the vague sadness and depression have a source.

bread cast upon the waters.  I distracted myself by sharing dried Ramadan dates and encountered 16 truffles.

going through symptoms

I'd left the driver window inch open OK not wet though it rained.  I put out garbage and recycle Bart too late with green brought in bins.  

I don't know if I'm sick or processing the past.  I finally manifested a single pain point on the back of my skull.  Yay!!  and my nausea like the ocean comes and goes, ebbs and flows.  I can't tell if I'm in pain elsewhere.  I'm still congested and coughing.  

I'm stressed dealing with a Wednesday lawyer appt.  reminds me of sisters 2001 threats of violence.  

dog eat wolf world

that's what fuels the wars.  I can accept it today.  nicotine helps.  

I dressed and drove to seniors.  same o.  drove to St Just they have eggs I picked up pantry.  huge strawberry cheesecake sliced.  lots of veg, fruits, rice beans.  I forgot movies went to $tree for glucosamine only 1, c, biotin, d3, 2 riblet Mac for lunch and dinner.  I prepped broccoli.  delicious.  

Glucky's

I loaded free Garden 1 oz veggie sticks.  walked all around, asked store shopper, checked entire front end, then from the boxes in office I got first bag.  persistent.  whatever else I may be ultimately I get it done.  

I decided because of game shows libraries are weekends or after shows.  I love learning useful pleasant things.  

after lunch the puzzle trash b was sitting with her drink having thrown pieces around.  I asked if she could read English she said she wasn't eating I showed the drinks on the sign so the weasel knew.  then she said she needed the outlet I pointed to the one next to the chair she sat in all morning and had used, the filthy liar.  still no excuse for throwing the pieces around and ruining the puzzle.  I quit.  Mallory is mean, lazy doing the minimum to help who she wants.  she says she doesn't do anything she knows who to send them to.  

where would I prefer to be?

saboteurs

the puzzle was trashed.  gave me a chance to clean the table.  Mallory thought I'd done it I questioned her.  sticky from people eating and drinking 'cause it's posted.  bad immature people..

met Fong and Aya nursing students.  they assisted bingo and then BP.  

Glory came to lunch, didn't stay.  oh well.  I can only do what I can do.  I called left message she called back to say she went to get gas no heads up.  she doesn't seem very concerned.  she's looking for a place to live even tho I told her restraining order and no legal eviction.  I don't think she's listening.  she's got to do what she wants is just to cry and complain.

I deserve something special.  I'm having a horrible time processing the memories of betrayal losing my entire childhood.  

eh, I'm alive

windy rain expected.  so pollen everywhere.  I'm still drinking chamomile.  

my body is releasing memories.  Wednesday last week Glory confided she's experiencing the same caretaker greedy attacks from her family I experienced.  it brought up a huge amount of pain and mourning.  I had my experiences to share.  she's terrified of her family.  all are playing the same ego games.  the parents afraid of dying are blaming everything on Glory.  the siblings are greedy thinking she's getting more money than them.  just like my family.  I counseled getting an attorney familiar with elder abuse, she qualifies.  senior center has volunteers.  her siblings are threatening violent eviction.  her parents blame her for upsetting her siblings.  it's crazee.  she's ashamed and paranoid.  I know the feeling.  until you wish you were dead.  

bingo great!  I've never enjoyed any class more not even kindergarten.  Elizabeth started 10 minutes late.  it was horribly windy all day.  my car is covered in pollen and seeds and I mistakenly opened my trunk.  I have remembered to wipe myself down so my sinus headache subsided.

feeling better

I've been watching Battle Comic volunteers to entertain the troops.  WHY does man continue the insanity of war?  no one ever wins.  there is no end.  

my body is wracked with pain from coughing.  my ribs feel broken, everything hurts.  the chamomile helps my breathing.  my energy is low.  the air is still horrible.  

so sick from pollution

Saturday I was coughing, sinuses.  I must have eaten pollen from trees in my Friday patio food.  I was going to call in to cancel today when 8 am all better. 

my chest and stomach are full of mucus.  I started looking for my chamomile last week instead of caffeine for me.  I couldn't find it.  then today I remembered I had teas in storage.  Ta Da!!

free Fiji water found a quarter-2nd day pollution

my eyes are burning the second morning of waking coughing and congested.  the only relief in the shower.  my stomach upset from drip.

The new Lucky's format must be AI.  non logical.  so the problems will be computer generated.  they try to reduce staff and fire people.  trump does it for fewer witnesses.  just like Hitler.  Hitler installed his cronies and removed anyone who disagreed.  

and my post edited itself.  must be AI.  AI leen. 

I just found yesterday idiot test is on 1-2.  woo hoo!!  Inge gave me a free BBQ ticket one of her admirers had to cancel.  I visited with Ken and Toki.  Trudy lined up I gave her first refusal Splenda sweetener we laughed.  I went put my things in car Walter didn't get me leftovers.  I went back to patio for sausage lunch.  Fred and Debbie arrived together.  I left after saying good byes I'm so proud of myself.  

just what I needed yesterday-Bratolo and Adela still working on fence

Ken and Trudy at class.  none today.  today Cody's bookmobile.  spell check makes Cody a bookmobile.  lol.

Bratolo working on fence 2 police cruisers park at Todd house

maybe his parking in my driveway triggered a check.  thank you scpd.  

bingo so fun.  we laughed and lol.  

Walter sis anxiety-Bartolo fixing Betty and Dave Todd fence

Walter volunteered to help his sis change Costco car battery he's riddled with anxiety.  he expected me to distract him, not my job.  I suggested he plan his next project guarding his energy and knee.  he was testing me.  

Bartolo threw cement bags in my recycle.  I put it in the garbage and dragged the can to the broken fence.  I used my anger like mom to get a lot sorted.  I refuse to be lied to by Bart.  and I know he lies, he's tried making excuses before.  ah, the skin cancer.  

happy b'day-Bartolo yd work

95.  mom stayed alive long enough to be older than dad.  and then she 'forgot' to take her meds all day and collapsed dead.  

Sunny library book sale

I woke 7 am.  7.  dream of a loving muscular 20 lb sleek short hair black lap cat.  I put out the garbage bin I'm feeling energized.  toasted corn bread and noodle soup b'fast.  sorted supplements.  

I'm remembering Covid lock down.  I had to use wireless and Nob Hill didn't exist.  I could come here in peace quiet and sit thinking.  I wanted to leave St Just extra groceries but a van was here first.  maybe homeless.  they open at noon for the book sale.  I don't like anyone watching me.  I finally remembered to put extra plastic bags in my trunk.  

nope cars are dropping off then leaving.  11 am new herd.  I love people watching.  and the squirrels.  gone again.  11:38 van left.  people lining up at door.  I've never had the time or inclination before.  

so perfect.  quiet with my music playing.  I have so much I thank heaven.  and Trudy's magazines to 'entertain' me.  and the Kalahari jerky.  savory.  I prefer savory.  I have 2 opened bags of Baja sweet orange I'm struggling to eat.  too sweet.

I checked out book sale found $1 microwave cook book.  I finished 1 puzzle.  home 3 pm Ozzie and Harriet marathon.  I was hungry.  I opened split pea and toasted corn bread.  and remembered veg cheese all melted.  

Nausea 46 degrees too cold for me today

it's back with the cold temps.  at least now I know the cause.  my back is on fire.  it comes and goes.  major post nasal drip upsetting my stomach.

I stopped by Panera $3 coupon exp 19th and chose spinach bacon souffle almost $8.  8:45 after snacking my stomach is better I ate my flaky pastry.  

I puzzled and soaked.  beautiful fluffy clouds.  

dark stormy unsettled-Alice's White Queen

TGIF.  I'm exhausted.  I got a reminder from consumer cellular.  I tried to pay my bill online new security measures locked me out.  I tried by phone and ended up talking to Sandy trying to find out if my payment went through.  she asked for my secret code that finally we tried different numbers that worked.  

I tried Lucky's again and finally got in.  I'm in Wonderland or Through the Looking Glass.  or both.  I have to work twice as hard, twice as long to stay in the same place.  

so weird.  the music plays when the internet is cut but the blog doesn't update.  selective service.  what they used to call the Vietnam war draft.

dark cold rainy

collision weather and some still speeding.  too scary.  

my Lucky's rewards account is still blocked now a Google message says they are blocked from the page.  and I still haven't heard from Lucky's.  

Cody returned and checked out chrome for me.  bingo we laugh a lot.  just what I need.  it's one thing to laugh alone and so much better in a convivial group.  

Augh! no Toki.  Fred said she had an appointment she forgot to tell me.  I found she left me v-mail 9:32.  like she owes me anything sweet baby.  Walter got me pear cheddar salad I gave to John for Mario his housemate.  I love giving Walter something else to think about.  

2:29 I stopped clearing.  I've been so depressed all my sisters have stolen from me and when I find more missing I get more depressed.  my 4 ft fluorescent tube lights are missing.  besides swimming gear.  

I just spent half hour in car organizing.  so lovely warm.  temps in the 40's.  it appears from the papers accumulated I stalled out after 2020 Covid lock down.  

I got to seniors 6:54

today Daily Word "Work Blessing" I bless my work and my work blesses me.  it gives me structure and purpose.  

bingo exercise today.  10 people missing.  we have our name plates today.  I won 1.  

just occurred to me Karen Kuek insurance company hasn't made her whole, the purpose of having  insurance.

the hummingbird nestled by the front porch I'm naming Rainbow.  she faces north west avoiding the southern hurricane weather I stressed to the skylight guy.  it's blowing hard 3 pm.  Hawaii.  emergency warnings on tv.  I/'m charging everything just in case I need it.  

I slept after worrying---Duc (Duke='virtue') @ CSAA

prayer always works.  I fixed my Wilcox book bag.  I stitched it (new behavior) without taking it apart (Old behavior).  

Walter got me an extra meal twice the size of reg.  so combined with mine I have food for 3 days.  I like and enjoy waiting half hour to begin chores after lunch.  I never used to take the time for Myself.  

and on to CSAA to fax the form.  Mr Kohlwaies said Cal minimum is $15k.  

home 2 pm.  I considered Savers but another time.  I'm taking care of Me.

doing the best i can

I'm going to check SALA for legal help April appointment here..  I called Stephen Kohlwaies who talked me through and reassured me I can go to CSAA office to fax him form.

no internet last night

chocolate milk is very filling.  I wasn't hungry and forgot to eat b'fast I've been so upset over last year's car ordeal.  

I finished the senior puzzle, soaked, stretched then drove to library same route.  I picked up St just lunch told Eileen how helpful the rubber purple egg carton cushion has been.  got quart chocolate milk.  

I need a hug.  I'm feeling tired and abandoned.  I woke up feeling hopeless.  

one good thing I found a patch of shepherds purse next to the library.  Sunnyvale hasn't any this year.  

6:50 am-46 degrees

Bliss.  I puzzled, soaked, 2 movies from Cody Bookmobile and 10:30 bingo.  Trudy got one.  Ken and I are more energized.  lunch was a fun party.  Florence and Inge gave us treats.  Fred held our table.  Toki seems tired.  Elizabeth gave me 2 hostess birthday cupcakes I offered to Toki she suggested to Ken.  I gave Inge's strawberry bite to Florence and Donchey.  Walter is much calmer since I explained to him people like him for who he is not his dad.  I had to point out no one else stepped up to help with his dad 'cause his dad was so difficult and everyone admired his commitment.

I found my Costco bills, and pink car key I clipped to my gym bag.  home for game shows.  WOO HOO!!  

6 pm I made toasted tuna cheese sliced tomato on Parmesan olive bread for dinner.  so delicious.

10 minute drive

and finally raining.  it's beautiful gentle.  I puzzled finished bird and snowman started a new one.  lunch was OK I waited for bingo.  Whew! I swear 2 minute segments.  

after my game shows I went to Nob hill to regain pages.  I tired of PCL  games wanting me to sign in over and over.  too boring.  home for 4 pm game show.  tempted to nap I found things to do.  

new record 8 minute drive

finished puzzle Mallory has 2 new 300 piece.  I started blue bird and snow buddy.  weather keeps saying it will rain nothing yet.  only tv interference.

fun, fun, silly, willy.  

ow, my tummy hurts from cheese touched by very fresh juicy purple red onion.  Fred gives me whatever he isn't eating and I got an extra fish meal.  I forgot to thank Toki for giant bag of kettle chips so I called.  Trudy and Ken showed up for lunch.  I got distracted.  

home 1:45 I'm taking my time watching my game shows.  updated the lunch menu that was misprinted.  

yesterday no brace-today 3/3 girl's day

so painful all over I took grapefruit and willow.  and it works.  too inactive yesterday.  I haven't been so bad in years.  the tub fixed my aches.

lunch OK new menu changes.  I'll fill out a new one.  new behavior.  I came home watched Puzzler went to Sunny pick up drop off.  home for people then Nob for corn bread and almonds no Inno-Asian.  darn $5 Monday special.  

3 trips!

I feel so much better-paid Bartolo

I feel grounded and when motionless pain free.  soaked half hour at seniors, mailed life, withdrew chase, picked up St just.  the purple egg carton cushion Eileen gave me last week is wonderful for my back. 

11:30 eating lunch listening to my healing music.  the universe is seeing to my needs.  I played on the puzzle, read my paper, played sweeps.  I drove to Bartolo paid $70, almost home I detoured to Lucky's bought pizza and chips.  I added 1/4 bottle ground oregano and fresh tomato slices and baked pizza.  ate 1/4 pumpkin waiting 26 minutes for pizza.  so excellent I wish I could eat more.  

I'm playing

I picked up free peanut dark chew, entered my contests, played on the puzzle.  lunch was good getting back to Fred and Toki.  Walter came 11:45 and I explained to him the difference between flirting and being annoying by personal experience with Lance G in high school.  Lance thought patting me condescendingly on the head was endearing I told him it was demeaning and irritating.  I thought he was juvenile and stupid.  we were 16 not 8.  Walter mistakenly thinks annoying Nahyoung is flirting.  Wrong.  I don't know if he's listening.  

brilliant!!

Bingo exercise was so funny.  Sumo farts.  switch from right butt cheek to left and repeat looks like letting one off.  mom loved farting on people.  she'd cozy up on the couch and plant one on you.  

we'll have 4 nurses trading off 2 at a time and Hong suggested Thurs. 10-11.  Brilliant!!  Mallory set up 10:30-11:30 even better.  I picked up my lunch halfway through class.  cake holder worked great.  Toki was forlorn Fred went to PT and Walter and Salome came late.  next week even better.

Cody bookmobile gave me toys for helping him clear bins.  and I recycled the paper and continued Inge's $4 for her plastic bottles.  

Danny's changed hours 7-4 6 days.  

firmly ensconced

 I started a new puzzle.  I think it's Rampart St New Orleans.

things to do :  pick up Inge's and redeem recycle, gas fill up, taxes Tuesday, pick up and return movies central.  

new behavior I filled up gas, I drove home, watched Puzzler and drove to library.  3:30 I got in line as #7 and took 2 hours with only 4 preparers.  

relaxed late start

I'm getting adjusted to a happy childhood.  if I'd stayed in Hawaii I'd be different from living with love.  

I went to America's Tires to check tires air.  Andrew set 35 lbs.  when I bought tires rainy Monday 12/16 they set it at 30.  I was on my way to Cup to return overdue.  Rosa asked for 2 block ride would take me 20 minutes to clear front seat so I declined.  went smoothly.  

2/22-1942

I'm loving being looked after and cared for.  I picked up my lunch at St Just after soaking and stretching at seniors.  

Marie hung around until I left.  then she made a comment I think about Japanese WW2 racist internment as she was walking out downstairs to lots of seniors sitting in the fireplace room.  she's really flipping out.  

I watched White Bird, a Helen Mirren movie.  no info on the case and a vague trailer I was unprepared for the pain of Jewish teen Sarah in 1942 Paris.  she was a clueless teen who's mother refused to accept the reality of Nazism.  she was forced into hiding as was I.  it tapped into my suppressed teen pain.  I was humiliated, punished and persecuted for having and expressing compassion.  

and George born 1940 spent time in Idaho internment camp.  his mom named him George for Washington.  he died 12/21/08 from throat cancer.

I sobbed for our suffering.  

I'm having more fun-CHILD

I picked up free soda and tried $7.99 new extra virgin olive oil at Lucky's.  then at Sprouts another new brand of $7.99 unfiltered extra virgin olive oil and a load of turkey, ham, chick fingers, kid's meal, 2-99 cent tea.  I'm set for the weekend.  

Hilde gave me 4 pcs of yesterday's chicken.  What???

Walter's complaining threw me off.  He doesn't listen.  I know he's in pain from my own personal experience with pain.  He drones on and on.  He's telling his auto pilot to create more pain.  I don't know how many times I've said it.  He just doesn't listen.  He reminds me of dad and painful memories.  and Nick Ze's dad took 10 years complaining of cancer to create and die from it.  Walter continually talks of being hospitalized.  I visited Eric I won't visit Walter.  

SENIORS

I've been stressing Cody won't renew my Chromebook.  

and I'm feeling sad.  I'm just feeling.  

OMG 10:51 I just remembered my online contests.

Senior Universe new member (Noel) Shane

I think major Aspergers.  

"the courageous inhabitants of a doomed community.  the movie of the Infinity."  hey, everyone dies.  I'm feeling particularly facetious.  

TCB-BEST HOLIDAY EVER!

I put out garbage bin and Bartolo took care of green.  

yesterday I started a new phase in my life.  game show central 2/17/25 on channel 65.7 I feel rewarded.  made me want to jump for joy.  I started watching sometime in the morning and quit at 10 pm.  

42 degrees

next door cut more of tree.  all 4 bins filled.  

hanging at the library after soaking at seniors and using bingo coupon for roast beef bag lunch.  I talked to Jin lost her car in accident.  

then I picked up St Just lunch and weekend bag.  Presidents holiday Monday everything closed.  I'll go to 24 hour.  

I considered taxes I have everything in the trunk but I'm not ready today.  

1972 dream to now

I'd been married a few months when I woke from a dream crying  because I was in heaven w/o my ex.  that's when the ex altar boy told me he didn't believe in heaven.  he'd been conditioned like sister Ail to believe they were the devil.  

and I'm creating my heaven and he's been dead since 2004.  

I got home 1:30 tree is cleaned up.

happy 45th Aaron-big wind storm tree limb broken

he popped into my head today.  I googled him and he's a married cinematographer in LA.  they were taking cinema classes after high school in Sunnyvale.  I took them a few times since Lauren wouldn't drive and Aaron drove like his parents with lots of moving violations and very high car insurance.  the memory makes me sad.  

and Paul...Lloyd's friend took my lunch bag I never even noticed until I went looking for him to return his water bottle left on the table.  Mallory overheard and was upset.  makes me sad.  

then 1:45 I get home a big chunk of the avocado tree is broken with part in left neighbor's drive I left a message with Bartolo to come by to check it out.  makes me sad.  

7:02 arrival seniors-hula helped my autism

I did a good clear out.  bag I had at the front door had ants I didn't know I had.  they managed to eat through an applesauce seal.  perfection.  

yesterday no internet

so relaxing no cares in the world.  I finished 300 PC puzzle.  so relaxing.  the sense of accomplishment without effort.

I started reading a 2 year old AARP magazine on music therapy, memory, brains.  scientists don't get the brain is the entire body.  brain cells, nerve cells, neurons are throughout the body.  the gut brain, the cranium, muscle memory.  scientists don't live in their bodies.  they don't converse with their bodies.  they don't listen to their bodies.  disease=dis ease.  happy bodies self regulate.  balanced bodies heal.  

lunch was OK Fred and Toki.  food not good.  Walter tried scoring off me I wasn't having it.  he left.  I puzzled digesting lunch then went to college Safeway for chips found clearance 2 balsamic, 1 lemon curd, carnitas and chick egg rolls.  I'm worth it.  I have 2 cooked drums.  

6:57 seniors

catch-up not ketchup or catsup.  I looked up the difference.  wow, I thought I was boring.  

lunch with Trudy, Kenny nice to have company waiting for Fred and Toki.  the food was terrible.  dry tired whole wheat penne pasta, bits of pink chicken, green beans, diced carrots.  Trudy brought Stan's donuts for Toki's b'day which Fred and Kenny promptly ate.  makes Kenny cough he denies.  I saved mine for home.

2:30 game shows I considered going back to seniors for pool and puzzle.  nah.  i'm actually enjoying being home.