I'm buying things I don't need

I'm terrified.  I've no idea what I'm doing.  my life is my own for the first time.  

watching the final season of Cheers.  my best consistent relationships was always TV.  reliable characters.  basically loving caring human.   

1993 mom's suicide brought everything into focus.  explained so much about their behavior.  and why I missed watching the end.  I was in shock.  the others were pretending it wasn't happening.  4 against me.  just like always.