INTO THE NEW YEAR-MAKING MY DREAMS COME TRUE

TODAY'S DAILY WORD.

THIS A.M. WHEN I AWOKE I REALIZED I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPY AND THAT AS A EMBRYO MY LIFE OF ASPERGERS WAS CREATED BY THE LEVEL OF STRESS HORMONES THAT NURTURED MY CELLS.  MOM AND DAD FIGHTING ALL THE TIME.

I COULD FEEL IN MY BODY THE MEMORY OF HOW I WAS BORN.  THEY THOUGHT I MIGHT BE BRAIN DAMAGED BECAUSE I WAS A BLUE BABY WITH THE HEART HOLE.

ANXIETY HAS BEEN THE NORM.  BEING RETARDED WOULD HAVE FIT MOM'S SENSE OF DRAMA.  SELF-PITY.  THE DESCRIPTION FOR MOM AND DAD.

SATURDAY THE 9TH WAS THE BEST!!!  I WENT TO VALLEY VILLAGE FOR THE JUMBLE TO FIND OUT IT WAS POSTPONED TO THE 30TH.

I CONTINUED ON TO THE SENIOR'S CENTER TO EXERCISE.

I THOUGHT I'D GO TO THE LIBRARY TO AIR DRY MY HAIR AND STOPPED TO SEE ST. JUSTIN'S.  THEY'D BEEN CLOSED.  THEY WERE FULL FROM BEING CLOSED.  I FOUND 7 DVDS-$1 EA, 3 SMALL PALLETES-$1, NEW MINI CAST IRON PAN WITH TWO BROWNIE MIX-$3, S/L ANN TAYLOR BEADED NECK TURQUOISE COTTON SWEATER-$3.  THE GENTLEMAN RANG UP THE DVDS AND PALLETTES AND GAVE ME THE LAST TWO ITEMS.  GOD IS GOOD.  THANK YOU GOD-JESUS!!!!

                              NO MATTER THE APPEARANCE KEEP ON.

PLAYING WITH I-PAD/NO LOCKER ROOM THIS WEEK

CHRISTMAS WEEK

I PICKED UP THE I-PAD MONDAY AFTER BEING CALLED SUNDAY TO PICK UP BY TUES.  SHORT NOTICE.  SO I PLAYED WITH IT YESTERDAY A.M. AND IT SOMEHOW CONNECTED ITSELF TO THE INTERNET.  I DIDN'T KNOW IT DID THAT AUTOMATICALLY UNTIL I GOOGLED THE HOW TO CONNECT.  

I BOUGHT MYSELF A PIZZA AFTER T SHOWED UP WITH MY XMAS HEATER AND LEFT FEELING SORRY FOR HIMSELF.  MOTHER ABANDONMENT ISSUES.  STEVE AND STAR WERE DUE IN AT 7PM.  AND DELLA WANTED TO GO TO THE AIRPORT WITH T AND HE RESENTS IT.  AS USUAL.  

I WAS FEELING ANXIOUS MONDAY TO THE CHANGE IN ROUTINE.

SO I'M ADJUSTING TO NO LOCKER ROOM, NO SHOWERS THIS WEEK AT THE SENIOR CENTER.  I CONSIDERED A MONTH AT A WILLOW GLEN CLUB, FITNESS EVOLUTION, FOR $10 BUT IT'S SO FAR AWAY EVEN THOUGH IT HAS A MACHINE MASSAGE TABLE.  MAYBE LATER.  I'M BEING GENTLE WITH MYSELF, NOT FORCING MYSELF TO DO TOO MUCH, TAKE ON TOO MUCH.  

                       I'M PROUD OF MYSELF.

I GOOGLED AUNTY'S ADDRESS IN HAWAII YESTERDAY AND SAW HER LITTLER HOUSE AND A WHITE COMPACT CAR.  I HOPE SHE GETS SOME PLANTS.

SO MUCH FREE STUFF

FOR MY BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR I STARTED WITH MY FREE DENNY'S GRAND SLAM.  TOMAS CALLED INVITING ME FOR LATE LUNCH. 


I CONSIDERED ANOTHER GRAND SLAM OR THE FREE ROUND TABLE INDIVIDUAL PIZZA BUT I WAS TOO MELLOW. 


AND THIS MONDAY THE 14TH AUNTY AND UNCLE SENT ME $$50 MAKING ME REALIZE ALL THE YEARS I NEVER GOT A BIRTHDAY PRESENT BECAUSE MY BIRTHDAY IS IN DECEMBER AND I'D GET A "COMBINED" PRESENT.  SOO MUCH BS. 


THE YEAR I MOVED HOME TO TAKE CARE OF THE PARENTS THEY BOUGHT MIT AND AIL STERLING SILVER AND AQUAMARINE BRACELETS AND I GOT A GOLD TONE MULTICOLORED GLASS BRACELET.  I ASKED FOR ONE OF THE STERLING WITH MY BIRTHSTONE AND WAS REFUSED.  TYPICAL.


I LATER FOUND ONE AT THE UNITY WHITE ELEPHANT SALE FOR $5.  EVERYTHING THAT IS MINE COMES TO ME.


AND CHILI'S HAS GIVEN ME 3 FREE MEALS.

THANKSGIVING ANEW

TOMAS HAD TO WORK AT CVS.  AT 7PM UNTIL HE VOLUNTEERED TO WORK 2 EXTRA HOURS TO COVER FOR SOMEONE.  SO I WENT TO TD'S AT 1 AND WAS HOME BY 4:30!!

MIRACLE!

I RESTED, RUMINATED AND WATCHED MY PROGRAMS UNTIL MIT CALLED AT 7:36.  I CHOSE NOT TO ENGAGE.  I HAD ENOUGH.

WHEN I LIVED IN GILROY SHE CALLED ME ONE TIME AT 7PM FOR DINNER IMMEDIATELY.  I HAD EATEN AT 5.

AFTER I HURT MY BACK TAKING CARE OF OUR PARENTS THE ONLY TIME SHE INVITED ME TO DINNER IN GILROY, SHE INVITED ME THE DAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING AND EXPECTED ME TO KILL MYSELF TRYING TO GET THERE WHILE TELLING ME NEIL WAS PICKING UP HIS OTHER AUNT IN SANTA CLARA AND COULDN'T PICK ME UP.  I COULDN'T DRIVE AT THAT TIME.

SHE TOLD ME TO FIND A RIDE!!

TWO INVITATIONS IN THE COURSE OF MY LIFE.  THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ME.

I GOT ONE PUMPKIN PIE FROM SOPHIA AND ONE FROM LLOSA.  I SHARED WITH MY SR-CTR FAMILY.

INSIDE OUT-SCARY CARTOON DVD@FEELINGS

DEALING WITH THE FEELING.  I'M FEELING VERY ANGRY!!

I'M MOURNING MY SAD LOST CHILDHOOD SPENT IN FEAR AND SADNESS.

I DON'T KNOW JOY AND HAPPINESS.  I KNOW CONTENTMENT AS THE ABSENCE OF PAIN, NO PROBLEMS TO SOLVE.

HOW SAD IS THIS.?

                   HAPPINESS IS NEW AND SCARY

                                                RUN AWAY!!!!

OVER MY COLD-AND CONFUSION OVER MEDICARE

LAST TUESDAY I STARTED FEELING TIRED AND SCRATCHY.  IT RAINED LAST MONDAY AND YESTERDAY.

IT'S BEEN FIERCELY COLD.  40'S MOST NIGHTS.

I ACTUALLY HAVE FELT THE COLD, NOT JUST HAVING ONE.  I DON'T REMEMBER FEELING SO COLD.  NOT SINCE I WAS 21 AND FELL THE FIRST TIME.

TODAY I'M BETTER.

I'M TURNING 65 AND HAVE TO SIGN UP OR FACE PENALTIES.  THEY ALLOW YOU TO NOT SIGN UP AND WARN OF PENALTIES.

TYPICAL PATRIARCHAL SOCIETY BS.

WED.1-13-2016 UPDATE STILL CONFUSED.  CAREMORE SENT ME A PACKET TO READ.

A NEW CHILD

I FOUND HELEN TO LEARN NEW BEHAVIORS.  SOME HOW SHE HAS THE BENE GESSERIT VOICE LIKE IN DUNE, FRANK HERBERT.


SHE SEEMS WARM, CAPABLE, AND AGING GRACEFULLY.  A MENTOR.


MY LIFE IS......BALANCED.