elective mutism

book i picked up neighbor freebie on curb page 62 about traumatic childhood feral child.  i read it to be entertained and it's me.  raised by abusive wolves.  

sitting thinking

i picked up lunch tiny seafood gratin very tasty.  i even liked the shrimp.  the sauce was delicious.  soggy cherry'cobbler' leaked all over bag.  i guess i don't need $5 fruit tart or do i?

paid city bank and got my lucky's $3.39 freebie quaker cheddar rice crisps.  i planned it and did it.  

i wish i were clearer on what i'm doing.  i went safe way did my thing half off honey cornbread mix we'll see.  sitting main 3 pm suddenly feeling very tired.  allergies and slow internet frustration.

home i rested, sorted senior food.  ate mac salad and cherry mess.  cleaned up and settled in.  watched 'love boat'.  i'm feeling better.  

i watched amy tan documentary.  made me sad and angry.  made me wonder if her mother ever beat and threatened to kill her with kitchen knives or sewing shears.   

i'm arranging my life.  i copied the bagua online for my pink marble perfect home.  i'll leave the specifics to my subconscious.  i'll study and meditate.  

somehow laff tv is now this tv.  8 pm john candy in 'delirious'  so funny.  a parody of my family characters.  

i'm feeling authentically angry.  these ads about anti asian attacks i've suffered my whole life even from my family.  i've gotten very good at detecting prejudice.  things as subtle as making me stand in line while others are waited on.  i've even commented on being invisible aloud.  people look shocked that i have the nerve to speak up.  sometimes they don't realize they're doing it other times they stare at me pointedly trying to intimidate me to get me to back down.  and men treating me like a concubine whore.  from the time i was 8 avoiding men grabbing at me.  

what???

lunch today a mystery.  the tough tandoori chicken is just chili, cauliflower and the ginger carrots flavorless.  i wouldn't know they're carrots except for the shape and color.  i wonder what they do with all the flavor?  bottle it and sell it?  

i'm parked great cool spot under tree mission library with reception.  tygj.  i don't know what to feel.  someone is parked in driveway or i'd be there.  lovely cool north breeze.  don't like the bugs though.  

i'm going to have to use lib for taxes.  this lap is doing strange things.  inserting games into blog tabs.  all deleted emails back in queue.  

i came home 2 pm deliciously, delightfully bored.  i discovered i had tax papers in back.  tomorrow.  

watching 'b positive' being numb i experienced neutrality.  no negatives.  no positives.  

i  cooked 5 eggs in the toshiba automatic cooker on medium.  i have to try soft.

tom substitute mom

i dreamed tom and della came to pick me up for road trip.  i was getting ready hall bathroom where mom died.  i decided i would send him card after debating with myself and deciding no.  looking for a card i found my xmas list 4 addresses.  i can send walter a card.  my eric replacement.  

i'm listening to heal depression anytime.  seems to work better than anything else.  i now realize i've been killing myself doing what others wanted, empowering them.  today i practice living for me.  my god given, god driven life.  the tv show b+positive raised the question would i donate my body for my sisters NO!  i gave to our parents.  i watched a news snippet saying asians had a harder time finding donor matches.  heavens NO!  i'm done or i'm done for.  

a big part of my diminishing interest in online games is the poor performance of the sites.  takes hours to play a game that should take seconds.

i don't know who bill whittaker jeopardy guest host is.  he seems so dull he'll probably be permanent.  i guess i'm used to a big ego.  the other guest hosts had big personalities.  big egos.  my family and exes had big egos.  i need someone dull and comfortable.  restful.  

today i have tv guide

i want to watch 'young rock'.  and i discovered i can go back emails to list from specific.  and now as i delete old mail it's going odd.  i started with 100.  

i wanted to look at taxes.  i have all the numbers together i just need the fed tax table.  i'm thinking of putting it towards next years taxes.  when i feel stronger i'll do it.  i asked tom for help like he did when i was sick.  i should have told him to hire someone like he told me instead of doing his taxes for years and teaching him how.  

i'm blessed i have tv.  i'm so alone.  my sisters hate me as my mom taught them.  they hate me like they hated her.  i'm just a substitute.   all my major relationships have been with people who used me up then dumped me.  i don't know how to have a healthy happy relationship.  i've always wanted good people in my life.  my ex wanted stuff.  my family wanted money-stuff.  

i want happiness.  they all stole from me and i was told don't feel like that.  and when i was beaten i was forced to stop crying or be beaten more.  i was burned with incense.  my sisters blamed me for their mistakes and i was punished.  i learned to numb my feelings.  they learned to avoid punishment.  

what a good girl am i

did my banking and i'm sitting waiting to pick up lunch.  i put out bins last night and brought them in 9:55 before leaving.

i'm feeling so sad.  mom and dad.  my judgments about their lives make me sad.  they loved each other in their  way and lived their lives as they chose.  my judgments are sad not them.  i've been feeling sad for the wrong reasons.  i'm feeling sad because my childhood was sad.

i'm still feeling so tired.  i took willow and i'm drinking mild caffeine water trying to stay awake.  i came home 1 pm after eating lunch in car at mission too tired to get out of car.  that's new.  not forcing myself to perform like a trained seal.  i was so exhausted i didn't want to fall asleep in car again.  computing will have to wait.  i considered going to pay cost co.  it can wait.  it can wait on me.

my health and comfort #1.  i'm #1!!  wow.

i can't believe how much i've already done today.  i checked tv programs turned off 'til 2.  i remembered to check mail for i r s letter i saw in email preview.  p g e credit $5.05 remaining.  hurrah!!  letter from president joe biden re $1400 stimulus i received direct deposit 3/12.  i checked bank statements.  i'm good for another month.  

i love watching game shows and how people interact besides what i may learn.  bill cullen was handicapped i think childhood polio.  

'time walker' strange movie space mummy.

61 o

i collected recycle and garbage.  i filled gas tank 9 am.  almost forgot i wanted my lucky's freebie.

feels so much hotter sweating.  i went l x lucky's for free aha caffeine drink.  dollar for amber m wash and chips.  the sesame pretzel are so addicting.  i crave sesame.  

i'm sitting kiely in the shade, about to stretch.  walked around park stretched.  writing out bills.  lovely cool breeze.  lost reception drove to kiely p o locked up.  i want stamps.  drove past st j church and main.  so i went to senior park picked up paper and computed.  i went to franklin p o locked although posted not to happen 'til 5/16.  i mailed bill and came home.  i finally feel at home.  i was treated like a slave and dreaded being here or anywhere.  i put out bins checked porch plants.

i watched vintage 'it's a wonderful world' 1939.  i cooked sliced onions 5 min high added diced carrots, celery, potatoes 5 high 10 simmer.  added cooked chicken and toasted bagel and cheese.  cooked more veg for b'fast.  rested watched more movies.  sore right back ribs and arm from 2014 front porch fall.

opened clearance cookies sugar coma i slept an hour.  

i love not obsessing over completing games.