1160 LSRd

A's DREAM OF CRITICISM.  MOM TREATING HER AS UNWELCOME RENTER FOR 3 DAY WEEKEND.  WOKE ME UP.  POOR UNWANTED THING.  NEVER FEELING SAFE, SECURE.  ALWAYS COMPETING FOR APPROVAL.  SUCH AN EMPTINESS.  NEVER FEELING GOOD ENOUGH.

HER TEENAGE YEARS LIVING DOWNSTAIRS IN THE COLD, AWAY FROM US, NO BATHROOM OR HEAT.  UPSTAIRS WAS COLD.  DOWNSTAIRS MUST HAVE BEEN FREEZING.  HAVING TO GO OUTSIDE TO COME UPSTAIRS.   M MUST HAVE LIVED IN TERROR MOM GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE.

UNTIL NOW I REMEMBERED ONLY THE GARDEN, THE LONG DRIVEWAY, THE WILD RABBITS, THE WINTER IT SNOWED, THE LILAC TREE, THE ORCHARDS ALL AROUND US.  THE FUN I HAD PLAYING OUTDOORS.  HAVING TO COME HOME FROM SCHOOL TO COOK DINNER AT 8 YRS OLD.  HAVING TO COOK AND TAKE CARE OF MIT.  NO WONDER SHE TRIED  TO RUN AWAY AFTER TWO YEARS OF LIVING LIKE THIS.  IF I'D BEEN MORE IMAGINATIVE, CREATIVE, ADVENTUROUS, AMBITIOUS, I'D HAVE GONE WITH HER.  I GOT PUNISHED A LOT FOR BEING A KID. 

I TALKED HER OUT OF IT BY VOLUNTEERING TO MAKE HER A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH FOR WHEN SHE'D BE HUNGRY LATER.  I PUT IT IN A HANKIE AND TIED IT TO A STICK LIKE THE DEPRESSION HOBOS DID.  SHE HADN'T THOUGHT OF FOOD OR HOW SHE'D SURVIVE UNTIL THEN.  SHE WAS 5 I WAS 10. 

SHE CONSIDERED AND I TOLD HER SHE COULD ALWAYS DO IT LATER.  SHE NEVER DID.  I WONDER WHERE THE PARENTS AND OLDER SISTER WERE.  WE WERE ALONE A LOT.

I DID IT IN MY HEAD.  I READ AND PLAYED IN THE ORCHARD, BUILDING FORTS, SPACESHIPS, DREAMING IN THE CLOUDS.  I USED THE SCHOOL LIBRARY A LOT.

12:40 pm  ANOTHER TEST.  TERRY SAT NEXT TO ME.  IRENE/BILL, LOUIE, FILLED THE TABLE. I SAID WE'D GET ANOTHER SETTING WHEN ANDREW SHOWED UP BUT NOOOOO THEY HAD TO ADD A PLACE AND TERRY SAT DOWN BECAUSE WE WERE FIRST.  AUGH!!!!  SHE SMACKED OPEN MOUTH THE ENTIRE MEAL.  SHE WENT ON AND ON ABOUT EVERYONE MOVING TABLES FROM ANNOYING/NEG MAN AND SHE DIDN'T GET SHE'S ANNOYING WOMAN.