HAPPY TODDLER

I HAVE PEOPLE LOOKING OUT FOR ME.  INGE AND ART SAVED ME NEWSPAPER, JEANIE SPAM MUSUBI, LUNCH LEFTOVERS INGE AND GERDA. 

I PICKED UP A COPY OF GROUNDHOG DAY FOR SATURDAY.  I HAVE CHERRY PIE. 

WHAT AND HOW.  HOW IS MORE IMPORTANT.  I STARTED PAYING MORE ATTENTION TO MY FEET, MASSAGING THEM WITH THE HOT TUB JETS AND MY HIPS ARE UNLOCKING.  HURRAY!

INGE'S B-DAY 1/29

YESTERDAY I DID WHAT I WANTED.  I SWAM 45 MINUTES, ATE CURRY ROLL, GOT NEWSPAPER, LUNCH WAS FUN, CHEESECAKE DESSERT.  WENT TO MISSION LIBRARY CHROMEBOOK.  HOME.  BIG SALAD, KRAB.  COOKED CHILI VERDE PORK.  FILLED WATER JUGS.

IT MAY BE HER BIRTHDAY BUT I CELEBRATED.  I GAVE HER MARY KAY MAKE UP BRUSH SET.  I LET GERDA BORROW NEW FOOD SAVER.

THIS ENTRY WOULDN'T PUBLISH.

BOOK MOBILE DAY!!  I'M EXCITED!  I FEEL CAPABLE AND 8 YEARS OLD.  MY BOOKS WERE THE ONLY ESCAPE FROM MY CINDERELLA CHILDHOOD OF DRUDGERY, COOKING AND CLEANING.  MOM ALWAYS WONDERED HOW I BECAME SO INDEPENDENT.  I TOOK CARE OF THE FAMILY.  ALL OF THEM.  AILEEN WAS TWICE MY SIZE AND PUNISHED ME IF I DIDN'T DO HER WORK.  SHE WASN'T AS STRONG AS MOM, DIDN'T HIT AS HARD, THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS. 

I LOOK FORWARD TO GETTING TO SENIORS' TO PADDLE AROUND THE POOL.

 

KIDS

WE LEARN TO GET WHAT WE WANT, TO BE WHO WE WANT TO BECOME.  I WAS SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T WANT WHAT THEY HAD OR WHO THEY WERE.

OUR LIFE GOALS ARE PROGRAMMED BY OUR INTERACTIONS WITH ADULTS. 

WE'RE TAUGHT BY OUR LIFE EXPERIENCES WHAT'S ATTAINABLE, OUR LIMITS.  WHAT'S APPROPRIATE.  IF OUR PARENTS ARE SUPPORTIVE WE LEARN TO WORK WITHIN OUR HUMAN LIMITATIONS TO EXPAND BEYOND OUR LIMITS AND FIND NEW SET POINTS. 

EXPANSION AND IMPLOSION ARE LEARNED.  IF OUR PARENTS BELIEVED LIFE IS LIMITATION OUR SUCCESS IS LIMITED.  LOVE IS LIMITATION.  OUR LIMITS ARE DETERMINED BY OUR FOCUS.  WHEN I WAS A CHILD THE LIMIT OF MY WORLD WAS THE END OF THE DRIVEWAY.  THE STREET WAS THE DANGEROUS, OUTSIDE WORLD.  THEN I LEARNED TO NAVIGATE THAT WORLD BY MYSELF. 

AND I'M STILL TEACHING MYSELF BY WHAT I CHOOSE TO LEARN. 

I'M HUNGRY

I'VE BEEN AWAKE FOE HOUR HALF AND I HAVE TWO BURGERS FROM YESTERDAY'S LUNCH.  I DON'T FEEL LIKE OATMEAL. 

I USED THE CHICKEN TAMALE SAUCE TO REHEAT BURGER.  BLISS.

TERRIBLE TWO'S

I'M FEELING GRUMPY.  I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING BUT THROW A TANTRUM.  HAVE A TANTRUM?  I DON'T KNOW.  I'M FEELING CRABBY.

YESTERDAY I WENT TO SARATOGA LIBRARY FROM CAMPBELL LIBRARY FOR TWO DVDS I WANTED AND PARKED IN 5 MINUTE ZONE AND DIDN'T THINK TWICE.  NO ANXIETY, OBSESSING.  AND I GOT LOST AND DIDN'T CARE.  NO SELF- CONDEMNATION.  IS THAT NORMAL?  I'M AFRAID OF GOING FROM NEUROTIC TO PSYCHOTIC.

AND I'M INTERNALLY REBELLING OVER BEING RESPONSIBLE AND PAYING BILLS.  I HAVE TO FIND A REWARD (CARROT) OR I'LL SELF SABOTAGE:  THAT'S BEING CARELESS, MISPLACING, LOSING/FORGETTING TO PAY BILLS, ACCIDENTALLY DUMPING BOOK, PLIERS, NAIL CLIPPERS IN TRASH, BRUISING MYSELF, ETC. 

MAKES ME FEEL LESS ATTACHED TO THINGS STOLEN FROM ME.  AND THE GYM ROLLER SUITCASE I FORGOT ON THE SIDEWALK. 

I'M FORGIVING MYSELF. 

SOMNIAC

TUESDAY I FOUND A BIC OUTSIDE THE COMPUTER ROOM I THINK IS PETE'S.  HE HASN'T BEEN.  MONDAY WAS MLK HOLIDAY.

IT SAID IN- AND I REALIZED I COULD CHANGE IT BY COVERING THE IN- SO I DID.

LITTLE DID I REALIZE I'D SPEND LAST NIGHT AWAKING TO A SERIES OF REVELATIONS.  LIKE A BABY.  MY BODY ITCHING AND TWITCHING.  I PUT MYSELF BACK TO SLEEP UNTIL 5:45. 

EVERY SHIFT IS STILL PRESAGED BY UNREST.  I'M LOOKING FOR A MORE COMFORTABLE HARBINGER. 

DANCE IN MY PANTS

WHEN I FEEL GOOD I WANT TO DANCE.  I'VE BEEN FEELING CALMER, HAPPIER.  I GET MORE TIRED AND FREQUENTLY NEED A NAP.  HEALING TAKES A LOT OF ENERGY. 

OF COURSE I WENT TO ST J AND LOOKED AROUND.  AND THE LIBRARY.  THE BOOKMOBILE CAME TO SENIORS AND I SWAM FOR AN HOUR.  SO MAYBE I DID A LOT. 

ANTICIPATION

I FEEL DIFFERENT, CAN'T REMEMBER FEELING THIS B4.  MY BODY FEELS DIFFERENT.  I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GOOD OR BAD. 

I SEEM TO HAVE BENEFITED FROM TAKING SATURDAY AND YESTERDAY OFF.  MY BODY IS MORE RELAXED.  I FEEL MORE NATURALLY TIRED.

I'M STILL TIRED FROM ST J SENIOR LUNCH SUNDAY.  I WENT EARLY TO READ MY PAPER.  IT WAS TOO RAINY AND THE STORE WAS CLOSED.  I WENT IN AND TALKED TO ELLA MAE, SHE'S DELUSIONAL.  SUCH A VAMPIRE.  SHE MADE UP A STORY ABOUT SUGAR FREE JELLO I TOLD HER SHE COULD EAT.  WE'VE NEVER HAD SUGAR FREE JELLO AT LUNCH, THEY'RE TOO CHEAP.  SHE SAID SHE TALKED TO WALTER AFTER HIS DAD DIED AND YET SHE KNOWS NOTHING.  HOW CAN THAT BE, SHE WAS PUMPING ME FOR DETAILS.

PEOPLE WHO LIE TO OTHERS END UP LYING TO THEMSELVES AND LIVE THE CONSEQUENCES.  THEIR SELF PUNISHMENT.  MY MOM, DAD, EX.  ALL DEAD.

I AM WILLING TO LEAVE SELF PROTECTING DENIAL BEHIND TO GET ON WITH MY LIFE.  I'VE OVER LOOKED PEOPLES' SHORT COMINGS AND MADE EXCUSES FOR THEIR BEHAVIOR BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL SO SAD TO ACCEPT THEY'D DO THAT TO THEMSELVES.  I'M WILLING TO LET THEM GO.

 EVEN RESTING YESTERDAY I'M STILL FEELING TIRED.

WAH-FULL MOON

I'M FEELING INFANTILE.  MY DREAM OF THIS AS A  SMALLER HOUSE NEEDING A NEW GARAGE FLOOR.  NEXT DOOR JIM  BREAKING IT OUT WITH HAMMER RATHER THAN PICK.  I TRY TO MICRO MANAGE.  THE POND AT THE FRONT IS CLOGGED BY LEAVES.

THE YEARS I STAYED SICK TRYING TO KEEP UP THIS PLACE FOR MITZI AND THE BOYS.

SILLY GIRL.  I EXPECTED TO BE APPRECIATED.  I HAVE TO LAUGH.  THEY NEVER HAVE AND YET I WAIT.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME THAT I LOVE THOSE WHO DON'T LOVE ME.

A DAY OF PLAY HAS HELPED.  I LIKE TAKING CARE, I PUT OUT BINS, DID A GENERAL SURVEY.  I'M MISSING THE HIKING STICK I MADE, CURRIER AND IVES ANTIQUE SWORD, $ TEES.  GOOD THING I GOT MORE $ TEES.

I'M WATCHING DVDS, DOING PUZZLES, READING, ALL MY FUN THINGS. 

RESISTING

LIVE ACTION LITTLE MERMAID VERY FORMULAIC, FOR LITTLE KIDS.  I'LL STAY WITH IT. 

THE FORMULA:  THE SEARCH FOR LOVE.  THE ORPHAN LOOKING FOR PARENTS AND A HOME.  THE SKEPTIC AND THE MAGIC. 

DO NOTHING DAY/little mermaid live action

LISA THE MANAGER OWNER OF THE OAKLAND BAR, TALK OF THE TOWN, TAUGHT ME ABOUT MAKING MYSELF FEEL SPECIAL. SHE HAD A TODDLER SHE WAS RAISING WITH THE HELP OF HER MEXICAN DAD AND JAPANESE MOM.

ONCE A MONTH SHE TOOK A DAY TO DO WHATEVER HER DAUGHTER WANTED.  HOW GREAT AND DOABLE IS THAT.  I CAN DO THAT FOR MYSELF.  MY MOM WAS 100% A MAN CHASER LIKE MOST WOMEN.  STILL STUCK ON SURVIVAL MODE.  STILL RELYING ON A MAN TO DICTATE AND HATE AND "TAKE CARE OF HER".

I WANT A PARTNER/COMPANION.  A HELPMATE.

FOR BREAKFAST I DON'T KNOW.  OATMEAL + DICED HAM.

2018 LITTLE MERMAID-GOOD FOR KIDS.  THE SOUND IS ERRATIC, SHIRLEY MACLAINE WIG AND ACTING SUB PAR,  NO DEPICTION OF THE ERA ATTITUDES, FEELS FALSE.  ADULTS PUTTING CHILDREN FIRST.  SORRY, UNBELIEVABLE.

10 YEAR OLD ORPHAN ELLE TELLING HER UNCLE CAM "YOU BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANT AND I'LL BELIEVE WHAT I WANT."  YEAH, RIGHT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS "YOU BELIEVE WHAT I BELIEVE OR ELSE", MEANING BEATINGS.

RESEARCHING MERMAID LED TO 1997 CINDERELLA.  OSCAR HAMMERSTEIN WAS WAY AHEAD OF HIS TIME RACIALLY. RE SOUTH PACIFIC MUSICAL 1949, "YOU'VE GOT TO BE TAUGHT" TO BE PREJUDICED.

TIRED

I'M ON THE VERGE OF DOING TOO MUCH.  I CAN FEEL IT.  WOW, BIG CHANGE.  I WASN'T ALLOWED TO BE HUMAN SO I'M NOT USED TO ACKNOWLEDGING MY FEELINGS.

NO WONDER I HAVE A HARD TIME IN RELATIONSHIP.  I HAD NO RELATIONSHIP WITH MYSELF.

I'VE BEEN AWAKE SINCE 4.  MY SHOULDERS ARE SO SORE.  FROM CARRYING THE FAMILY FOR 60 YEARS A SLAVE.

ADMITTING THIS I FEEL MY SHOULDERS RELAXING, PULSATING.

I STILL WONDER HOW LYNDA CARTER, WONDER WOMAN, WAS RAISED AND MARRIED NO HERO.  I WANT TO BE STRONG LIKE WONDER WOMAN.  SHE SEEMED TO HAVE SO MUCH GOING FOR HER AND STILL MARRIED BADLY.  I DON'T FEEL SO BADLY ABOUT MY MARRIAGE. 

NEGATIVE BIAS

OUR BRAINS ARE HARDWIRED TO REMEMBER TRAUMA FOR SURVIVAL.  WE HAVE TO REMEMBER DANGER TO AVOID IT.  BRAIN IS TRYING TO SAVE US.

I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF AND NOT JUDGE MYSELF WHEN I FORGET.  IT'S NATURAL TO FEEL HUMAN.  MY FAMILY IS THE PAST.

 I WENT TO ST J AFTER CAMPBELL LIB AND FOUND 2 STRETCHY TURTLE BRACELETS / NECKLACE SEPARATE.  JOHN SOLD TO ME $8 RATHER THAN $23 PRICE LAST MONTH.  I ADDED MAGNET CLASP TO NECKLACE.  $4 ROLLING DRAWER TAGGED 5.  $13.08 WITH TAX.

LOOK TO THE GOOD.

eight

DEVELOPMENTALLY I FEEL LIKE ME.  THEY DID EVERYTHING TO SQUASH ME.  MOM ENCOURAGED AILEEN TO BULLY ME, ME TO BULLY MIT.  I COULDN'T DO IT.  IT MADE ME TOO SAD.  I LEARNED TO PUSH IT DOWN.  COMPARTMENTALIZE.

60 YEARS OF MISERY.  I'M COMING AWARE.  EVEN IF I NO LONGER EXIST THERE I'M TIRED.  I SUPPOSE I'M RECOVERING.  LIFE IS A SINE WAVE.  HIGHS AND LOWS.  CRESTS AND TROUGHS. 

I WAS A SCRAWNY KID WITH NO ONE TO LOVE ME.  GOD ALWAYS LOVED ME.

I FORCED MYSELF TO DO THEIR BIDDING TO SURVIVE, MINIMIZE THE ABUSE.  I'M TIRED. 

FALLING FORWARD AND CATCHING MYSELF.

I'M SPECIAL-WALTER JR

I NEED TO DO SOMETHING ESPECIALLY FUN FOR ME TODAY.  I'M FEELING EMOTIONALLY OVERWORKED. 

I INVITED WALTER JR TO SIT AT OUR LUNCH TABLE AFTER GETTING VALERIE'S PERMISSION.  I INTRODUCED HIM TO RICH AND ROBERT.  ROBERT IS ON A CRASH AND BURN TRAJECTORY.  WALTER JR SHARED SR'S LAST WEEK AND DEATH.  JR'S FEELING GUILTY, POWERLESS AND ALONE.  LIKE I DID. 

DON GAVE HIM SOUP.  ART HIS POTATO.  I GAVE HIM MILK. 

I DID GOOD.  I WAITED AT THE PUZZLE TABLE TO SEE IF HE WANTED TO TALK MORE.  HE DID.  WE TALKED UNTIL 2:30 THEN I CAME HOME AFTER TRYING TO GET HIM TO DO YARD WORK.  I KNOW THERE'S SOMEONE PERFECT TO TAKE OVER THE YARD. 

WALTER JR

CAME BACK TODAY.  HIS DAD SR DIED 10/23.  HE'D BEEN IN O'CONNOR'S FOR A WEEK WITH ANOTHER UTI.  SO JR NEVER EXPECTED IT.  I WAS SO GLAD TO SEE HIM.  HE'S ME IN ANOTHER FORM.  HE''S BEEN DOING IT FOR 30 YEARS.  IF HE CAN LEARN HAPPINESS I'LL HAVE SUCCEEDED.  I DON'T KNOW WHY I BELIEVE THIS BUT I DO.

HE'S OBSESSING.  I TOLD HIM IT'S NORMAL.  HE'S BEEN THROUGH A TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE AND IS SUFFERING PTSD.  HIS BRAIN IS IN A LOOP TO TRY TO AVOID FUTURE DANGER, IT'S JUST THE WAY OUR BRAINS WORK.  AND HE'S 'IF ONLY'-ING.  STILL TRYING TO SAVE HIS DAD.  I TOLD  HIM IT'S NORMAL.  I WENT THROUGH IT.  AND THE ONLY WAY TO GET PAST IT IS TO GO THROUGH IT.  OTHERWISE STAY STUCK.

HIS SISTER REFUSES TO HELP HIM.  SHE'S CONSISTENT.  I'VE BEEN THERE TOO.

I RECOMMENDED HE FOCUS ON WHAT MAKES HIM HAPPY.  IT'S HARD WORK, TAKING A LOT OF SELF CONTROL AND STRENGTH.

I RECOMMENDED BLOGGING TO GET IT OUT OF HIS HEAD.  AND THEN BE ABLE TO LOOK BACK AND NOT BE IN IT.

I TRIED TO LURE HIM TO DO MY YARD WORK AS SOMETHING DIFFERENT.  HA, HA!

HE DIDN'T BITE.  OH, WELL.

MAYBE I'M DONE.  I CAN ONLY HOPE.

FEELING DISTURBED

I'M AMAZED AT THE MONEY WASTED ON HAPPYTIME MURDERS MOVIE.  1972 FRITZ THE CAT WAS THE SAME IDEA OF FANTASY PORN,  ROBERT CRUMB CARTOON.

USING THE MUPPETS BECAUSE THEY CAN TO MAKE AN UNIMAGINATIVE, DISTASTEFUL, WASTE OF RESOURCES IS BEYOND ME.  THEY MUST HAVE BEEN HIGH.

I GUESS MELISSA MCCARTHY AND BEN FALCONE NEEDED THE WORK.

APPEARANCES

MAYBE MOM BECAME HYACINTH BOUQUET WHEN DAD'S  DAD SUICIDED 8/24/1949.  SHE MIGHT HAVE BEEN AFRAID DAD WOULD KILL HIMSELF.  SHE EXCUSED HIS BEHAVIOR AND TRIED TO MAKE HIM HAPPY THE ONLY WAY SHE KNEW.

SHE TAUGHT AIL AND MIT APPEARANCES.  I'M LUCKY SHE GAVE ME TO BABAN FOR MY FIRST TWO YEARS.  SHE PROBABLY WAS AFRAID I WAS DAD'S DAD CAME BACK.  SHE FOUND HIM HANGING IN THE FRONT YARD. 

SHE LIVED IN FEAR.  I BET HER OWN MOM NEVER KNEW DAD'S DAD HUNG HIMSELF.  BABAN TOOK CARE OF ME MY FIRST TWO YEARS. 

YESTERDAY A YOUNG HOMELESS COUPLE TOOK OVER THE PUZZLE TABLE.  I DIDN'T THINK TOO MUCH OF IT BECAUSE I KNOW THEY'LL MOVE ON AND BE GONE.  THEY MADE A BIG PRODUCTION OF BEING IN LOVE, KISSY FACE.  I IGNORED THEM.  GERDA MADE A COMMENT AT LUNCH.  I TOLD HER HOMELESSNESS IS AN ATTITUDE.  WARM, WONDERFUL, CONSIDERATE PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS FIND A HOME.  THEY RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE.  

THAT'S WHY PEOPLE LIKE ME.  I COULD NEVER FIGURE WHY MY FAMILY HATES ME.  THEY JUST DO.

I CHANGED THE BACKGROUND COLOR AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO RESET IT.

IRONIC.   APPEARANCE.

I'M WATCHING AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS 2004.  STEVE COOGAN AND JACKIE CHAN.  SO MUCH FIGHTING.  I HATE VIOLENCE.  IT'S A SILLY STORY, I PREFER THE 1956 DAVID NIVEN, CANTINFLAS VERSION.  IT'S A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STORY.

3:15 I DECIDED TO STAY HOME.  I SLEPT,  GOT MY SUPPLEMENTS READY FOR THE WEEK.  BASICS.  I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW I DID THE GUTTERS, YARD, EVERYTHING THAT KEPT ME SICK.  KEEPING UP APPEARANCES FOR THE FAMILY.

SO THE HOUSE AND YARD ARE A WRECK, THE REALITY OF THE FAMILY.

VIBES

I'VE BEEN AWAKE SINCE 12:30.  THE ANXIETY IS A WARNING SYSTEM.  MY ALLSTATE INSURANCE IS DUE FEB 1.  I HAVEN'T RECEIVED THE BILL.  I KNOW IT'S COMING.

I READ THROUGH THE LETTER.  IT'S REGARDING WILDFIRE INSURANCE AND MARIJUANA NON-COVERAGE.  HAH!

I GUESS MY INNER CHILD NEEDS MY ATTENTION.

I'M PUNISHING MYSELF LIKE THEY USED TO TORTURE ME WHEN I WAS HAPPY.  THEY CALLED ME RETARDED.  THEY HATED WHEN I WAS TREATED WELL.

GERDA OFFERED TO PICK UP CELERY FOR ME.  THEY'D HATE THAT.  THEY IMPEDED ME AND RESENTED ANYONE HELPING OR APPRECIATING ME.  JOHN AT ST J GAVE ME CD.  I CAN CREATE L. HAY CD.

YES!!

8:30 PM.  GERDA CAME THROUGH AND DIDN'T ACCEPT REPAYMENT.  MAYBE BECAUSE I GAVE HER XMAS PRESENT.  I DON'T KNOW.  I'M JUST GRATEFUL.  I HAVE A FRIEND.  I HAVE A SISTER.

NEVER TOO LATE TO HAVE A HAPPY CHILDHOOD.

I'VE BEEN THE RESPONSIBLE ONE SINCE 8 YEARS OLD.  TAKING CARE OF MYSELF IS A STRANGE FEELING.  I'M USED TO CARING FOR OTHERS.

I LOVE ME.  I'M TERRIFIC.

IF THEY HAD FOLLOWED MY LEAD ALL OF US WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY.  OH, WELL.

RESPECT

THINKING AND TRYING TO IMAGINE WHAT I WANT TO DO THERE'S NOTHING.  I'M SATISFIED NOT EXCITED.

PRAYING AND MEDITATING ON PEACE FEELS RIGHT.  I DON'T LIKE THE WORLD AS IT IS.  I'LL DREAM OF A NICER, KINDER WORLD.

IF THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE RESPECTED THE PLANET THERE WOULD BE NO POLLUTION, WAR, MURDER, VIOLENCE OF ANY KIND

TIME OUTS AND BEING SENT TO ONE'S ROOM.   THE ONLY EFFECTIVE DETERRENT TO UNWANTED BEHAVIOR.  MOST PUNISHMENT IS ONLY ANOTHER FORM OF VIOLENCE.

OMG

I'M HAVING CORN DOG SNACK!

I CAN DO WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT.

SO THERE!

I ATE THE DELICIOUS CORN DOG.  STATE FAIR IS SO YUMMY.  I DON'T LIKE FOSTER FARM.  55 SECONDS IN THE MICROWAVE TO A LITTLE BIT OF HEAVEN.

I SLEPT 10-2 AM.  I NO LONGER RESENT LACK OF SLEEP.  I'LL MAKE IT UP LATER.  I USED TO FEAR LACK OF SLEEP.  I GUESS THE FAMILY TRADITION FEAR.  I DRANK 3 CUPS OF TEA AT ST JUSTIN'S SENIOR LUNCH.  OF COURSE I CAN'T SLEEP. 

LOUISE HAY EQUATES FLEXIBILITY WITH LACK OF FEAR.  I'LL SEE.  MY BODY HAS KEPT ME HOSTAGE.  RIPPING UP MY BACK MADE ME MUSCLE BOUND.  I WASN'T AWARE OF THE SUBTLE FAMILY TRADITION OF FEAR.  AIL PROJECTED HER FEAR LIKE I COULDN'T FUNCTION WITHOUT MOM, YET HERE I AM.  I WONDER HOW SHE'S DOING NOW.  MAYBE HER INSANITY WAS FEAR.  HUH.

PROJECTION IS SELF PROTECTION.

I SPILLED

HOLDING MY BOWL OF OATMEAL/FRESH PERSIMMON, DRIED CHERRIES, DICED HAM, SUNFLOWER SEEDS, COCONUT FLOUR I REARRANGED MY PILLOWS AND SPILLED ON MYSELF.  I CLEANED IT UP WITHOUT CENSURE AND REALIZED MISTAKES ARE FOR FORGIVENESS.  I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR SPILLING.

MY LUCID DREAM WAS BURLY DAD CAME HOME EARLY TO CLEAN UP BACK YARD.  NEXT DOOR JIM AND BITCH ARE MOM AND DAD.  I HEARD HER YELLING AT HIM YESTERDAY JUST LIKE MOM AND DAD.  I FORGIVE THEM FOR NOT LEARNING CHANGING.

EVERY RELATIONSHIP IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO FORGIVE MY PARENTS.  EVEN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MYSELF.

ALL ONE

SPENDING THE DAY WITH ME IS SO RESTFUL.  I WATCHED DVDS AND RESTED MY BACK.  DRIVING IS SO STRESSFUL AND PHYSICALLY TIRING.  I SEWED.  I CONTEMPLATED. 

I WATCHED ORVILLE.  SOME CHARACTERS ARE JUVENILE NEVER HAVING LEARNED SELF CONTROL.  THE PUNISHMENT I ENDURED AS A CHILD TAUGHT ME SELF CONTROL.  THE ABUSERS TAUGHT ME I CAN'T CONTROL OTHERS. 

SPOILED PEOPLE NEVER HAD TO LEARN SELF CONTROL.  THEY WERE GIVEN TOO MUCH FOR THEIR OWN GOOD.  THEY LEARNED TO BELIEVE THEY WOULDN'T SUFFER CONSEQUENCES.  AND SOME STILL BELIEVE THAT.  TOO BAD FOR THEM.

EXCITED

A NEW SENSATION:

I AWOKE TO A FLURRY OF DREAMS FEELING EXCITED TO BE ALIVE..  PC-PANAMA CANAL, POLITICALLY CORRECT.  GREEN GOLD LINE EXTENDING FROM LEFT TO RIGHT.  AN ANGEL DESCENDING, SHAKING OUT WHITE GOLD COSTUME PREPARED TO TAKE COMPLETE CARE OF ME..

THIS MUST BE WHAT CHRISTMAS MORNING FEELS LIKE.

I WASHED MY HAIR, CUT MY NAILS, TOOK MY TIME CARING FOR MYSELF.  I STAYED AT SENIOR'S UNTIL MY HAIR DRIED.  A LOVELY RELAXED DAY.  I CAME HOME AND STARTED REDOING THE DENIM SKIRT DRESS.  I WENT BACK TO ST J HALF PRICE.  THEY WERE CLOSED FOR TWO WEEKS.  I DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL I WENT WEDNESDAY WAS THEIR FIRST DAY REOPENED.  HOW COOL IS THAT.

PULLING ME DOWN

THERE'S A DESCRIPTION OF CRABS PULLING EACH OTHER DOWN TO CLIMB OVER EACH OTHER.  MY FAMILY.  RATHER THAN HELPING EACH OTHER UP MY FAMILY PREFERRED TO STAY DOWN. 

I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THAT.  THAT FEELS LIKE DEATH TO ME. 

APKALLU

7 DEMI GODS ON WIKIPEDIA I FOUND READING UP ON SETH MACFARLANE TO MIKE MIGNOLA TO HELLBOY.

THESE HALF HUMAN FISH ARE SAGES ASSOCIATED WITH KINGS.

MAYBE WHY FISH IS BRAIN FOOD?

I'M WATCHING THE ORVILLE LIVING ROOM BIG SCREEN TV.  MOSTLY BECAUSE ORVILLE HAS CLOSED CAPTIONING OPTION ON MENU.  SON OF ZORN DOESN'T HAVE MENU.

CARTOONS=MY FAMILY OF CHOICE.

CORRECTION=MY LITTLE DINKY BEDROOM TV HAS CC EMBEDDED AND I CAN READ THE ZORN SCRIPT THAT IS FREQUENTLY UNINTELLIGIBLE OTHERWISE.

TRADITION

WHEN I WAS A CHILD WE WENT TO JIMMY AND FLORENCE KATO'S FOR NEW YEAR'S EVE.  THEY LIVED IN A VICTORIAN IN JAPAN TOWN.  WE WATCHED FRANKENSTEIN UNTIL MIDNIGHT WHEN THEY HAD A BALLOON DROP WITH COINS IN SOME OF THE BALLOONS WE POPPED.  THEN HOME TO OUR CHRISTMAS NEW PAJAMAS, TOOTHBRUSH, SOCKS.

MY CHILDHOOD WAS MONSTERS.  ABBOT AND COSTELLO.  CARTOONS.  MY PARENTS HAD KIDS TO WORK THE FARM.  KIDS TODAY HAVE PARENTS WHO LIVE FOR THEM.  SUCH A SHIFT IN PERSPECTIVE.

MY DAY HAS BEEN SO SERENE.  FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE CONSISTENT PEACE.  FOR THE FIRST TIME I'M ALONE.  ALL ONE.  NO ANXIETY MY FAMILY OR FRIENDS NEED SOMETHING OR WANT SOMETHING.  AFRAID OF THE PHONE RINGING.  IT WAS ALWAYS BAD NEWS.  PEOPLE FIGHTING, SOME KIND OF CRISIS.  MY LIFE AS AN AMATEUR EMERGENCY  TECHNICIAN.  ALWAYS PUTTING OUT  FIRES, SOLVING PROBLEMS.  A FULL TIME JOB.  NO WONDER I'VE BEEN EXHAUSTED.  AFTER A LIFETIME OF NO LIFE OF MY OWN.