MOM

WATCHING TV HAS ALWAYS SHOWN ME A DIFFERENT REALITY.  PEOPLE WHO LOVE EACH OTHER.  MY MOM CONSTANTLY THREATENED ME 'I'LL KILL YOU'.  SHE CAME AT ME WITH SHEARS, BURNED ME, HIT, SLAPPED ME.

SHE TAUGHT ME TO HATE MYSELF.  IT'S SO DEEPLY HURTING.  STILL.

I'M HERE TO HEAL.

I TOOK MY SORE TIRED BODY TO $STORE AND ON TO SENIORS.  SO MANY ARE THERE FOR THE POSTURING.  WASTE OF ENERGY AND RESOURCES.  HOT TUB DID THE TRICK.

I DECIDED TO CHECK IN AND OUT CHROME AT MISSION.  I DON'T HAVE TO DO IT TOMORROW AT CENTRAL.  EASIER PARKING, SMALLER VENUE, PERSONAL LIBRARIAN.  ON TO CHASE.  I CONSIDERED STAR ONE AND DECIDED BECAUSE OF RAIN I'LL WAIT BUT CARLOS HAS MY CAR MONDAY FOR MAINTENANCE.  HMM...

I READ THE NEWSPAPER AND SAW 'IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE' 8 PM CHANNEL 11.  I LOOKED ALL OVER FOR COPY AND FINALLY FOUND IT.  I ALSO FOUND 'IT WAS A WONDERFUL LIFE' DOCUMENTARY 1992 ON INVISIBLE HOMELESS WOMEN.  USED AND ABANDONED BY A SYSTEM SEEING THEM AS WORTHLESS.  LIKE ME SINCE I GOT SICK.  I'M GETTING HEALTHIER,  MAYBE I WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND LOU KILLED HERSELF AND THE PRODUCERS NOT HELPING THESE WOMEN WITHOUT WHOM THERE WOULDN'T BE A MOVIE.  WHAT GIVES?  THEY COULDN'T HELP THEM WITH SOME COMMUNAL HOUSING.

I DON'T GET IT.  NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.

SO I DROVE TO STAR ONE AND BACK TO LIBRARY.  NEW BEHAVIOR.  WITH GOD EVERYTHING IS LIGHT; TRAFFIC, WEATHER.

 

UP SINCE 4

FLASHING BACK TO 1160 LAWRENCE STA RD.  IT WAS JUST AS COLD AS NOW.  IT SNOWED.

THAT'S WHERE AND WHEN MY BODY BECAME LOCKED.  MOM'S VIOLENCE.  COOKING CLEANING FOR THE FAMILY.  SO MANY LIES.  CONSTANTLY SCAPEGOATED.  ALCOHOLIC WAIPAHU UNCLE VISITING, FOLLOWING THE FAMILY TRADITION.  MOM'S SHINTO SHRINE.  ONLY ME BEING BURNED WITH INCENSE TO EXPIATE THE FAMILY SINS.  GOING OUT OF BODY.

MOM AND DAD CONTINUED BEING KIDS WITH ME BEING THE FIELD HAND.  I WASN'T HIRED I NEVER GOT PAID.  AILEEN AND MITZI GOT MONEY FOR NOTHING.

WE GREW UP IN THAT HOUSE.  ALL OF US.  I HAVE FEW HAPPY MEMORIES AND MANY HORRIBLE TRAUMATIC ONES.  I JUST WANTED TO DISAPPEAR.  GOING OUT OF BODY WAS THE NEXT BEST THING.

IT'S TAKEN YEARS TO EXPERIENCE THE PAIN IN FREAKING DOSES TO REMAIN IN BODY.  I'M SO READY TO DIE.  I'M LIVING FOR GOD.  NOT DONE WITH ME YET.

I'M THANKFUL

I HAVE PEACE AND COMFORT.  MY CHAOTIC CHILDHOOD I WANTED PEACE AND COMFORT.  I NEVER SPECIFIED MORE.  I WAS A CHILD.

THAT CHILD HAS CREATED AN EXTERNAL CHAOS TO MIRROR BALANCE THE INTERNAL CHAOS OF MY CHILDHOOD.  GETTING IT OUT OF ME INTO THE WORLD TO RELEASE.

I'VE BEEN AWAKE SINCE 4;30.  I'M WATCHING FIRST SEASON OF MEDIUM.  I GUESS I NEVER REALLY PAID ATTENTION IN 2005.  I WAS STILL BEDRIDDEN.  IT'S BEEN SYNDICATED AND I WATCH ON TV SOMETIMES.  I'VE NEVER BEEN ALONE EITHER.

I GOT THE DVD FROM COUNTY LIBRARY FOR BINGE WATCHING THIS WEEKEND.  I HAVE 'TIL NEXT MONDAY.

i went to exercise 10;30.  unheard of.  i didn't hurt.  miracle.  left 24 hour noon and parked 2 blocks at library.  short line inside.  i saw walter and sat with him.  cathy was there and thanked me for only card.  stayed 'til 2 and car rallied to 1st.  better potatoes.  all white attitude.  i noticed mini eric homeless.  came home 4;30. 

I'M FEELING RATHER GOOD.  ST CLARE BETTER FOOD & PEOPLE.  i thought of calling villa serena didn't.  not time yet.

I'VE NEVER HAD A VISION

I'VE NEVER BEEN ALLOWED TO HAVE ANYTHING I WANTED.  I NEVER VISUALIZED WHAT I DESERVED BECAUSE MY FAMILY CRUSHED MY DREAMS.

MY FOCUS MUST BE WHAT I WANT TO SEE, FEEL, TASTE AND LIVE.  FOCUS AND VISION ARE WHAT I NEED.

I WANT TO FEEL HAPPY.  I HAVE TO REMEMBER FUN TIMES.

HORSE DREAM

I WATCHED TV 'TIL 10 FELL ASLEEP 11 WOKE 11:15 DREAM OF HORSE IN FAMILY ROOM.  I CALM HORSE AND IT REGRESSES TO MINI FILLY I PICK UP AND COMFORT.  I HAVE OLDER CAPABLE WOMAN HELPING ME.

TOOK TRIAL RUN AGNEW P O BY APPOINTMENT ONLY.  I'LL TRY.  HOME BY 3.  TOOK HALF HOUR DRIVE.  JUST AS I CAME HOME IT STARTED TO RAIN.  AND IT'S SO DARK.

I just spent 2 hours trying to fill out renewal application and setting an appointment and zero zippo.

what i want

ALL I EVER WANTED IS PEACE AND RESPECT.  THE HOME WAS CHAOS 24/7.  NOW I'M BUILDING PEACE.  FOR ME.  THAT'S A BIG ENOUGH JOB FOR ME.  CONSIDERING MY HISTORY GIGANTIC.

CAR MAINTENANCE LIGHTS FOR TIRE AND ENGINE CAME ON I'M PEACE FILLED.  NOT JOY DAILY WORD I ACCEPT IT.  40 DEGREE COLD.  I LIKE IT CAR DOESN'T.

I WANT A WORLD OF PEOPLE DOING GOOD BECAUSE IT MAKES THEM FEEL GOOD.
A WORLD OF PEOPLE DOING THE RIGHT THING.  A SIMPLE WORLD.

I MISS ERIC.  MAYBE WHEN I REMEMBER THE HAPPY TIMES I'LL STOP FEELING SAD.  AND HE'S HAPPY NOW WITH HIS DAD.

SCHEDULED SYNTHETIC OIL CHANGE AND DIAGNOSTIC/CARLOS MONDAY 9.

I WANTED SMOKES WALGREEN'S AND REMEMBERED PASSPORT PHOTO.  HUZZAH!!

O-O-O-ORINDA

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE DREAM MEANS.  MAYBE NOTHING.

I'M FEELING SAD.  MOM AND DAD TRIED TO RUN AWAY FROM IT.  THAT'S WHAT THEY TAUGHT ME.  IT DOESN'T WORK.

ADDICTION IS ALL ABOUT TRYING TO CONTROL AND AVOID FEELINGS.  BY FEELING THE FEELINGS THEY EVAPORATE, DISSIPATE, DISAPPEAR.  WIPE THE SLATE CLEAN.

GOOGLED ORINDA.  NAMED FOR KATHERINE PHILLIPS 1 JAN 1631-22 JUN 1664.  'THE MATCHLESS ORINDA.'  WIKIPEDIA 'THE IDEAL FEMALE WRITER VIRTUOUS, PROPER CHASTE.'  NO CONSENSUS ON MEANING.  GOLD OR TREES.

OFTEN COMPARED TO APHRA BEHN 14 DEC 1640-16 APR 1689.  WHO SEEMED TO HAVE MORE FUN.

 MY LIFE WAS A LIVING HORROR TRAGEDY TOTALLY CREATED BY PEOPLE IN DENIAL.  THE FASCINATION WITH FRANKENSTEIN.  MAN MADE MONSTERS.

I DESERVE MORE FUN.  NO EXERCISE. 

LUCKY'S IS 3 X POINTS SO PICK UP LUNCH AT SARATOGA.  WHAT WAS I THINKING PAYING $8/LB.  I GOT ROAST TURKEY AND HAM.  $3.20 NOT MUCH.  MIX VEG .99.  I MADE NOODLE SOUP TURKEY AND VEG SOUP HAM. 

DREAD

TOM IS FAMILY.  ARGUING LIKE DAD ALL THE TIME.  DISAGREEABLE.  YET HE'S MOM TOO.  QUEEN OF DENIAL.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.  DENYING HIM IS REJECTING MY FAMILY.  GIVES ME A STOMACH ACHE.

TOM WANTED TO KNOW WHAT I THOUGHT OF DEANA.  LIKE VICTORIA, DR DEBBIE, ETC.  I FEEL SORRY FOR HER.  LET'S SEE HOW LONG SHE LASTS.  HE LIED TO ME ON OUR FIRST 'DATE'.  HE KNEW I WANTED A LIFE PARTNER.  FIRST DATE HE TALKED OF MARRIAGE, SETTLING DOWN.  CHEATER, LIAR.  NOW I KNOW HIS TALENT IS DECEPTION NOT MUSIC.

I HAD A NICE PANERA LUNCH AND GAVE HIM THE PEET'S CARD.  DONE AND DONE.

RECYCLE

HE COUNTED CANS.  +BOTTLES, 3 GLASS $7.  HURRAH!!  AND I FOUND BRIGHT SHINY HEAD UP PENNY.  GOING WAS SO EASY.  GOING WITH THE FLOW IS EFFORTLESS EASY.

I TOOK CALM CHILD AND HAD WEIRD DREAMS.  PAMPLEMOUSSE,  MY DOUBLE GLASS MUG, WEIRD WAVES OF ENERGY RADIATING FROM MY SPINE.

AN OK DAY.  I GOT READY TO GO TO CAMPBELL WHEN I REALIZED I BINGE WATCHED THE FINAL SEASON NOT 6 AND LEFT IT HOME.  I DROPPED OFF MASH LEFT OVER TOOK MY TIME.  NEXT DOOR PARKED MY SPACE SO I PARKED IN FRONT MAKING THEM REVERSE.  AN ADVENTURE DRIVING 5 PM.  I WENT TO CUPERTINO THE BACK WAY AND AVOIDED TRAFFIC.  MUCH LOVELIER DRIVE THAN CAMPBELL.   

eh

I'M TIRED OF SLEEPING LIKE A BABY, WAKING EVERY 2 HOURS TERRIFIED.

I'M FEELING SO UPSET WATCHING MEDIUM 6 FEELS LIKE RELIEF.  TO HAVE A REASON TO FEEL UPSET.  TOM IS SO TIED TO THE MEMORIES OF MY TRAGIC FAMILY.  HIS OWN NOT MUCH HEALTHIER.  BUT HE'S MUCH MORE IN DENIAL.

HE NEVER LISTENS TO ME AND DENIES MY FEELINGS BECAUSE HE'S DENYING HIMSELF.  HOW CAN ANYONE BE HAPPY WITHOUT BEING COMPLETE.  DENIAL ALWAYS FAILS LONG TERM.  LYING TO ONESELF WILL POP UP IN HEALTH.  THE BODY WORKS TO HEAL THE SPIRIT.  SPIRIT IS THE ONLY THING THAT WE HAVE FOREVER.

DENIAL SABOTAGES RELATIONSHIPS.  HIS DENYING ME AND MY FEELINGS.

OH, WELL.

GERDA GAVE ME HER OLD PURPLE LANDS END SWEATER VEST.  NICE MATERIAL.  NEEDS WASH.

TOM CALLED ME AT 3 TO TELL ME ALL ABOUT HIS DENTIST VISIT AND TO POSTPONE AGAIN.  LUNCH NOON SATURDAY SENIORS.  TYPICAL.

FEELING SHAKY

WOKE AT 3 WATCHED BIRDS 2.  I'M BEHIND ON MOVIES.  I HAVE PORTABLE PLAYER.

I COULDN'T WATCH 2 ON PORTABLE BECAUSE OF PARENTAL BLOCK.  AND GOD PROVIDED 25 WORD SEARCH BOOKS.  2 WHEEL OF FORTUNE.  WOW WOW WOW.  I WATCHED HOBBS SHAW ON UPSTAIRS COMPUTER.  I WENT TO CENTRAL TO PICK UP DVD REQUEST AND WATCHED. 

I GOT HOME MAIL HAD DISCOVER.  DUE TOMORROW.  I CALLED TO PAY AND STAR ONE DIDN'T GO THROUGH SO I CALLED CUSTOMER SUPPORT AND DONNA HELPED ME 6 PM.  WHEW. 

TOMAS CALLED TO POSTPONE.  NO SURPRISE THERE.  PHONE POLICE OLD MAN ON LAPTOP WEARING BACKWARD BASEBALL CAP.  WHAT A JERK.  IRRITATING.

WALTER SHOWED UP 11 DROPPING OFF GROCERIES COLLECTION.  GAVE ME SWISS MISS HOT COCOA MIX.  WHAT I DAY.  WE VISITED FOR 2 HOURS.  HE WENT THROUGH THE SAME PAIN FILLED EXPERIENCE.  HE'S GOING THROUGH THE SAME LOSS OF DIRECTION.

MY PURPOSE

MOST PEOPLE ARE USERS.  THEY USE THE EARTH LIKE ANIMALS.  WE'RE HERE TO TAKE CARE OF THE PLANET.  TO BE EARTH STEWARDS.  STU. STEW.

MOM CALLED ME STUPID.  AILEEN CALLED ME STU.  I'M AN EARTH STEWARD.  DANAAN PARRY.

ED ZERBE TOOK ME WITH HIM AS GOOD LUCK CHARM.  HE WAS WORKING ON GETTING A HANDLE ON PSYCHIC STUFF.  I TOLD HIM THERE'S ALWAYS A PRICE.  TERRY FROM ROSICRUCIANS PAID BY CONTRACTING AIDS.  HE TOOK ME TO RAINBOW BRIDGE A METAPHYSICAL BOOKSTORE ON BLOSSOM HILL ROAD SAN JOSE.

I DECIDED NOT TO BUY ANY MORE BOOKS AFTER MOVING 25 BOXES 3 TIMES IN 2 YEARS WHEN DANAAN PARRY'S BOOK JUMPED OFF THE SHELF.  I READ IT AND LATER ROSE AT FIRST CHURCH OF RELIGIOUS SCIENCE (FOUNDED BY DR SCOTT STEP FATHER TO COCO DOLENZ HEISELMAN AND MICKEY DOLENZ OF THE MONKEYS) TOOK ME TO AN EARTH STEWARDS MEETING IN OAKLAND AT ESTUARY PARK.  THEY HAD AN EXCHANGE PROGRAM WITH RUSSIAN PRIVATE CITIZENS.  I HAD DREAMED OF HALF DOZEN OF THE GROUP AND THEY RECOGNIZED ME.  THIS WAS SHORTLY BEFORE THE BERLIN WALL CAME DOWN.  THAT'S WHAT THEY DO CONFLICT RESOLUTION.

I JUST WANT TO RECYCLE AND RESPECT THE PLANET.

new energy

I'M WEARING MY NEW BRACELETS.  I HAVE WONDER WOMAN ON MY MIND.  A NEW WONDER WOMAN.

I DON'T KNOW.  NEW TERRITORY.

I COOKED THE CHICKEN.  LUNCH I ORDERED A ROAST BEEF SANDWICH THAT WEREN'T SENT SO I ATE THE PAPRIKA CHICKEN, BROWN RICE, MIXED VEGGIES.  I BROUGHT HOME RICE AND VEGGIES.  CHICKEN AND CHEESE ARE NOT THE BEST COMBINATION BUT OK.

MISTAKES

THE MESS IS ABOUT FORGIVING MYSELF.   I LEARNED TO SCOLD MYSELF FOR EVERY LITTLE MISTAKE.  I COULD NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT ACCORDING TO MY FAMILY.  'OH, SUE......'

NOW NONE OF IT MATTERS.  THE HOUSE IS A WRECK AND THE WORLD HASN'T ENDED.  IT WAS ALL SILLINESS.

I'M STILL ALIVE.

DID MY SUNDAY MORNING ROUTINE.  THE LAP POOL 82 FELT PERFECT.  I GOT MY FREE OLIVE HUMMUS LUCKY'S, 2 ASPARAGUS CHICKEN WRAP AND ICEBERG LETTUCE.  HOME EARLY PUT EVERYTHING AWAY.  HUNGRY I DRANK TURMERIC CHOCOLATE PROTEIN.

STILL FEELING 20 YEARS OF SAD.  LONGER ACTUALLY CONSIDERING MARRIAGE HELL.  1972.  AND MY CHILDHOOD.  MAYBE MY ENTIRE LIFE WITH BRIEF FLASHES OF BLISS.

ST JUSTIN'S WAS AMAZING.  LUNCH WAS OK.  LASAGNA, GARLIC BREAD, CESAR SALAD.  I GOT THERE 12;30 AND WAS TOLD OF THE CHRISTMAS SALE IN THE BIG HALL.  JOHN AND MARTHA WERE THERE SELLING HEMATITE JEWELRY BRACELETS $1 EACH OR 12 FOR $10.  HALF OFF LAST DAY OF SALE.  I ASKED JOHN IF I COULD GET A BAKER'S DOZEN AND GOT 13.  3 ARE DOUBLE AND I WEAR THEM LIKE WONDER WOMAN. 

HAPPIEST BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

torture

SMOKING IS SELF MEDICATION.  I WAS FEELING TORTURED AND ONE PUFF IT'S GONE.  I WAS FEELING SAD, FRUSTRATED, TORMENTED BY THE PAST BEATEN IN MY BODY AND WITH ONE PUFF IT SEEMS TO BE GONE.

I WOKE AT 2 AND 3.  WHILE WATCHING 1936 TOPPER, TV BEING THE ONLY FAMILY I EVER HAD I STARTED CLEARING THE EMOTIONS I DENIED FOR MENTAL SURVIVAL.  I'M FEELING THE WEAKNESS, HUMILIATION, PAIN AND SUFFERING OF MY CHILDHOOD.  BEATEN AND BLAMED BY MY FAMILY.  SCAPEGOATED.  AND EVERY RELATIONSHIP A COPY OF MY CHILDHOOD, ALL I'VE EVER KNOWN.

I'M CLEARING THE OLD BAD FEELINGS TO EMBRACE HEAVEN.

I MAY NOT BE AN INTROVERT; I MAY HAVE DEVELOPED HABITS OF AVOIDING TOXIC PEOPLE.  MY FAMILY.  I DIDN'T HAVE ANY OTHER EXPERIENCE.  I WAS ISOLATED FROM OTHER PEOPLE, NOT ALLOWED TO INTERACT WITH ANYONE OUTSIDE.  AS I SPEND TIME WITH ALL SENIORS I'M CHANGING.

I CAN FIND HEALING PEOPLE.

IF NOT FOR THE EYE EXAM AND MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE I WOULDN'T HAVE EXAMINED AND RESOLVED THOSE ISSUES.

frustration

TODAY'S SILENT UNITY DAILY WORD SERENITY I'M NOT FEELING.  PASSWORD PROBLEMS.  AND CERTIFICATE.  I'VE DECIDED I'LL HUNT FOR THE BUILDING WEEKEND WHEN THEY'RE CLOSED.  MAYBE THIS MAYBE NEXT MAYBE NEVER.  I ONLY NEED IT FOR REAL ID OR PASSPORT.

I'M FEELING THE EX MARRIAGE.  I WAS SO TRAUMATIZED STILL AM MY STOMACH ACHES.  AND THE HOOPS I'M JUMPING THROUGH ARE SIMPLY A CONTINUATION OF UNFINISHED BUSINESS.  AND THE $ I'M LIVING ON IS DIVORCE SETTLEMENT. 

sabotage

I THINK I KNOW WHO BOXED THE PUZZLE I STARTED YESTERDAY.  NOT RELATED TO ME HURRAH!!

MAURICE IS FILLING ME WITH VEGGIE BITES.  COSTCO HAS FOOD THAT HAS SO MUCH HEALTHY OIL.  IT MAKES YOU SO REGULAR.

10 AM IN THE PARKING LOT.  I CHOOSE NOT TO BE DISTRACTED BY THE NATTERING.  EXERCISE WAS GREAT.  I WENT 7.  LOVELY PEACEFUL 'TIL 830.  I'M CHOOSING NOT TO USE ALL PUNCTUATION.  JUST WHAT I LIKE.

HOW FUN IS THAT.

SOME SENIOR ARE SO LOUD.  GIANT CHILDREN.  SAD THEY HAVEN'T EVOLVED.

disneyland

I WOKE AT 5 BY DREAM OF DISNEYLAND WITH MY PERFECT FAMILY ASKING ME WHAT I WANTED TO RIDE NEXT.

I'M LOVED BUT NOT BY MY FAMILY.

MY EYES STOPPED STINGING NOW THEY FEEL SORE.  MY LASHES STILL FEEL HEAVY.

I DROVE LOOKING FOR THE COUNTY RECORDERS OFFICE.  THE JAIL AND COURT ARE LABELED BUT NOT THE RECORDER.  I''LL CHECK THE MAP.

FEELING SAD AND GRIEVING COMES AND GOES IN WAVES.  THE UNIVERSE IS LIKE AN OCEAN OR SOUP OF LIFE.

I'M DOING AND BEING PROCESSING MY FEELINGS.  E-MOTION.  ENERGY IN MOTION.

FRIGHT

OH. MY BACKSIDE IS SORE.  I SHOWERED AT GYM.  10 MINUTES TO PASS FREMONT HIGH SCHOOL 7;30.   I WAS DONE EYE DOCTOR 9 AM.  WASN'T GOOD WASN'T BAD.  SITTING WAITING IN ROOM FOR CONSULTATION AFTER I CRIED FOR DAD.  I DIDN'T HAVE ANY ENERGY LEFT WHEN HE DIED.  I'VE OFTEN WONDERED WHY I DIDN'T CRY.  HE TOOK SO LONG WITH SO MANY CRISES.

WOMEN ARE MORE USED TO DOCTOR VISITS.  WE START YOUNG.  GO REGULARLY.

9;30 IS THE PERFECT TIME TO ARRIVE SENIORS 4 SPACES.  I GOT TO SENIORS EARLIER AND GOT LAST OPEN SPACE 9;20.  IT WAS OK.

THINKING OF SCOUTING RECORDERS OFFICE I REMIND MYSELF BE GENTLE.  I ALREADY DID FULL DAY FROM 3;30 AM.

NEW FEELING

MY FEAR AND DREAD REGARDING THE EYE APPOINTMENT IS ABOUT DAD'S CATARACT REMOVAL.  I DROVE HIM AND MOM TO KAISER SANTA TERESA.  HE HAD AN ALLERGIC REACTION TO THE TRANQUILIZER.  WE CALL AILEEN AND MITZI.  TOOK THEM 4 HOURS TO REVIVE HIM.  HE SEEMED OK.

I TAKE THEM HOME.  I'M PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED.  ON THE ONE HAND DAD LET ME SLEEP ON THE OTHER HAND HE WAS WARNED NOT TO LEAN FORWARD TO AVOID PRESSURE ON HIS EYE.  SO OF COURSE HE LEANS OVER TO PICK UP THE TV REMOTE FALLS FORWARD HITS HIS EYE ON THE SOFA ARM REST.  INSTEAD OF WAKING ME LIKE HE DID COUNTLESS TIMES FOR A MIDNIGHT CAR RIDE HE WAITS 'TIL THE NEXT MORNING HIS EYE FILLED WITH BLOOD PERMANENTLY BLINDING HIMSELF.

I'M FEELING SO SAD.  I NEVER HAD TIME TO PROCESS GOING FROM ONE CRISIS TO THE NEXT.  NOW MY STOMACH, BACK, EVERYTHING IS RESPONDING.

SAD AND RELIEVED.  COMING AND GOING IN WAVES.  EXHAUSTING

WOWIE-NEW ME

THE PROGRAM WON'T PUBLISH ON THE OLD TAB SO I OPENED A NEW ONE.  I TRANSFERRED THE NEW STUFF BEFORE I REFRESHED THE OLD TABS AND IT TRANSFERRED.  I KEPT EVERYTHING.

I AWOKE 7:30 FROM ANOTHER FITFUL NIGHT REMEMBERING-RECONNECTING MYSELF I NEEDED TO COVER CHECK I WROTE DMV FOR RENEWING MY LICENSE.  I TRANSFERRED MONEY.

IT TOOK ME 2 HOURS AND $.45 TO FILL OUT AND PRINT APPLICATION FOR COPY OF MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE.  NOW I NEED TO GO GET IT DOWNTOWN SAN JOSE.
UGH.

NOON-UNPRECEDENTED.  AT 10 I WENT TO FLORA VISTA WALGREEN'S FOR SMOKES, ZERO.  SO I DROVE THROUGH LAWRENCE SQUARE TO SAY GOODBYE TO THE BOARDED STORES.

I DECIDED NO GYM TODAY.  I DROVE TO WALGREEN'S MARIA PLAYING WITH MY CD S.

$UNNYVALE I LOOKED FOR XMAS PRESENTS NONE YET.  BOUGHT CLEAR WASH, NEW DOUBLE SIDED CAR LOG 'KEEP IT SIMPLE,' PAPER.  I RESCUED 10 WATER BOTTLES AND WATER FROM TRASH.  THEN I DROVE THE BACK WAY TO WENDY'S TO USE 1.99 KIDS MEAL COUPON WAS 2.37+ tax.  38 CENTS.  STILL, I GOT CHOCOLATE MILK, MINI BURGER AND APPLE PIECES.  IT WAS GOOD. 

I DROVE HOME THE BACK WAY.  DOWN THE STREET I FOUND A FREE MULTI DIRECTIONAL BLACK CARRY ON SUITCASE.

MY INNER CHILD HAPPY I REALIZED I WAS RAISED TO BE BOY CHILD.  NO WONDER I GET CONFUSED AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF LITTLE ME.

I GIVE MYSELF SPACE TO MAKE MISTAKES.  I DON'T WANT TO DO.  I WANT TO  BE.

THE ART OF RACING IN THE RAIN

JUST WHAT I NEEDED.  THE STORIES OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.  SOMETHING OF WHICH I HAVE LITTLE EXPERIENCE.

I HAVE MORE LOVE IN MY LIFE FROM STRANGERS THAN MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD.  BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER SO WHAT.  WHAT I KNOW IS THAT MY FAMILY NEVER SHOWED ME LOVE.  AUNTIE TOMIE IS THE EXCEPTION.  COMING TO THE MAINLAND EXCLUDED ANY CHANCE OF EXPERIENCING FAMILY LOVE.  SO THE ONLY RELATIONSHIPS I HAVE ARE DISTANT.

I WONDER IF THAT'S PART OF WHY THEY CAME.  THE JEALOUSY THAT I WAS WANTED.  THEY WERE ALL SO DIFFICULT AND PECULIAR.  PECU-LIARS. 

TIME TO BE ME

I'M STILL LEARNING WHO I AM.  I HAD A GOOD DINNER.  CHICKEN SALAD CHILI SPAGHETTI.  I'M CREATIVE.

I'M THOUGHTFUL.  WATCHING THE BIG BLUE TICK.  LOTS TO THINK ABOUT.

I'M ACTIVE.  EXERCISE MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.  I WANT TO BE STRONG. 

TUESDAY I ASKED GINNY TO GET ME YELLOW WARRIORS 2 X TEE.  SHE GAVE IT TO ME TODAY.  SHE LOVES ME MORE THAN MY OWN MOTHER.  A LOT OF PEOPLE LOVE ME MORE.

I WENT DMV ONE HOUR.  I NEED A COPY OF MARRIAGE LICENSE FOR NAME CHANGE SOCIAL SECURITY.  SANTA CLARA COUNTY RECORDS.

MY DRIVERS LICENSE IS RENEWED.

WHO KNOWS

I SPENT A FITFUL NIGHT.  THE HUGE BOWL OF SOUP CAUSED ME TO WAKE UP FROM A DREAM OF 3" TICK TANGLED IN MY HAIR.  I WATCHED BIG BLUE TICK/PATRICK WARBURTON BEFORE SLEEP.   SOMEONE SUCKING MY ENERGY.

I FINALLY WOKE 6:30 ATE MY CEREAL AND DECIDED 7:30 TO GET GAS.  ARRIVED SENIORS 8.  PADDLED 2 HOURS.  THOUGHT OF BLOGGING AND REMEMBERED COMPUTER CLASS TODAY SO I'M IN THE QUIET PARKING LOT RELAXING.  SO MUCH BETTER.

I HAVE CAMPBELL LIBRARY MAYBE DMV.  I FORGOT MY PHONE BAG AT LUNCH.  NO ONE SAID ANYTHING OR PICKED IT UP.  NO SUPPORT.  I FORGOT IT IN BATHROOM TOO WENT BACK IMMEDIATELY.  NO DMV TODAY.

I WENT CAMPBELL AND MAILED UNITY CALENDAR ORDER PAYNE PO.  PARKED UNDER CENTRAL.  WATCHED DVD CHECKED EMAILS CAME HOME.

KELLY HOWELL CD IS CHANGING MY THINKING.  I'M GETTING CLEARER ON MY RELATIONSHIPS.

still tired

I LOOK FORWARD TO FEELING GREAT.  FEELING NO PAIN OR SICK.  I'M HOPEFUL.

THE MORE I PADDLE AROUND THE POOL THE BETTER I FEEL.  I CAN UNDERSTAND WILL THE EX WANTING TO DO AWAY WITH ALL PEOPLE.  SOME ARE SO ANNOYING.

I PICKED KIWI BECAUSE I WANTED TO AND GAVE INGE KAKI HADI GAVE ME TUESDAY AFTER INGE LEFT TO RESCUE MAURICE WHO LOST HIS KEYS AT KAISER.

I WENT TO CENTRAL TO PICK UP ORDERED DVD.  I WANTED TO FIND MONEY, QUARTER IN COPY ROOM AND REMEMBERED TO LOOK FOR LOUISE HAY CD'S I HAVE O RETURN CAMPBELL'S.  FOUND 3 ORDERED ONE TO MISSION.

DOING WHAT I WANT IS SO GOOD AND STILL STRANGE.

I ATE TURKEY CRANBERRY SANDWICH THAT LEFT ME HUNGRY.  INGE GAVE PIZZA SLICE TO ART BUT NOT ME.  I TOOK THE LETTUCE HOME TO WASH.  I HAD 2 BEANS ASPARAGUS FROM LUNCH LEFT OVER.  I ADDED TO PANERA 16 OZ CHICKEN TORTILLA SOUP THAT HAD MORE KIDNEY BEANS THAN CHICKEN.  ALSO PINE NUTS.  STILL BLAND I ADDED WASABI ALMONDS.

DELICIOUS.

discernment

I CONSIDERED GOING TO DMV AND DECIDED TO REST FROM YESTERDAY.  I'M HOME FROM REGULAR DAY AT SENIORS.  I FLOATED AND SWAM FOR AN HOUR.  LUNCH WAS OK.  ELSIE WAS THERE TRYING TO TAKE INGE'S PLACE.  NOT.

LAST NIGHT I DREAMED OF TOM TAKING CARE OF ME.  HE NEVER EVEN TOOK CARE OF HIS MOM.  HE LEFT IT TO DELLA.  HE TOOK ME TO DOCTORS AND BOUGHT ME GROCERIES WHEN I COULDN'T GET OUT OF BED.  I WOULDN'T COULDN'T HAVE SURVIVED WITHOUT HIM.  HE DESERVES TO BE HAPPY.  WE ALL DO.

THE WORST

AILEEN LIED ABOUT DAD.  SHE TOOK THE WORST OF MOM AND DAD TO SURVIVE BEAUTIFULLY IN THE MATERIAL WORLD BY LYING AND USING PEOPLE.  MOM TRAPPED DAD TO USE HIM LIKE AILEEN TRAPPED LARRY.  LIKE WILLY TRAPPED ME.  DAD USED MOM TO PROTECT HIMSELF FROM THE WORLD TO REMAIN A CHILD.  LIKE I WAS DOING LIKE HIS MOM WAS DOING.

TOM IS MOM.  HE WANTS ME TO TAKE HIS PLACE WITH DELLA WHILE HE PLAYS WITH DEANA.  I HOPE HE CAN FINALLY BE FAITHFUL TO DEANA.  OR ANYONE.

MY DAY OF REST PRODUCED IMPORTANT INSIGHTS.

I FEEL COMFORTABLE.

I HAD AN OK DAY.  I WENT TO $AN CARLOS FOUND VITA D, WAI LANA CASAVA CHIPS, SHASTA GRAPEFRUIT, GOLD BINDER CLIPS.   DIDN'T FIND ANYTHING AT DOLLAR TREE WENT TO CIRO AN HOUR EARLY AND WAS DONE BY 4.  CAME HOME TO REST.

DST

I'M WATCHING JOURNEY TO THE WEST 2.  CHINESE FANTASY FILM.  NO IDEA OF THE MYTHOLOGY OR ICONS.  I FIND IT PUZZLING.  THE SPECIAL FEATURES ARE THE BEST PART.

I'M TAKING THE DAY OFF.  I'VE WORKED VERY HARD THIS WEEK TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS BEING RESPONSIBLE.  I DESERVE A VACATION.

STILL

I'VE BEEN FEELING DEPRESSED MOST IF NOT ALL MY LIFE.  END OF MONTH BLUES AGAIN.

THIS MORNING I FILLED OUT THE DMV.  IT TOOK ME AN HOUR.  THE FIRST APPOINTMENT WAS JAN 31 AND I HAVE TO PRESENT MY DOCUMENTS SO I'LL DROP BY.  I WAS WORRIED ABOUT THE TEST I FOUND OUT I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE.  SO TYPICAL OF MY FAMILY.

I'M SO TIRED OF THE GRIND.  MAYBE LIFE IS POLISHING ME.

MY BACK ACHES ON AND OFF.  IT'S SO WEIRD THE WAY IT COMES AND GOES.  

THE GOOD THING IS I'VE GONE THROUGH MY LIFE ALONE AND I DON'T MISS WHAT I'VE NEVER HAD.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE HELP AND SUPPORT.

HAVING MORE FUN

I'M READY TO START ON MY DRIVER'S RENEWAL.  I REALLY AM TIRED OF ALL MY RESPONSIBILITY.  I'VE BEEN DOING IT 60 YEARS.  ALWAYS THE RESPONSIBLE ONE.  ALL ALONE.  ODD MAN OUT SO THEY COULD GANG UP ON ME.  I'M TIRED OF IT.

 I LIKE MY LIFE GOING SMOOTHLY.  THEY DON'T.  I DON'T WANT TO BE THEM.  I NEED PEOPLE LIKE ME.

I WANT COSTCO PIZZA.  I HAVE THE REBATE TO SPEND.