torture

SMOKING IS SELF MEDICATION.  I WAS FEELING TORTURED AND ONE PUFF IT'S GONE.  I WAS FEELING SAD, FRUSTRATED, TORMENTED BY THE PAST BEATEN IN MY BODY AND WITH ONE PUFF IT SEEMS TO BE GONE.

I WOKE AT 2 AND 3.  WHILE WATCHING 1936 TOPPER, TV BEING THE ONLY FAMILY I EVER HAD I STARTED CLEARING THE EMOTIONS I DENIED FOR MENTAL SURVIVAL.  I'M FEELING THE WEAKNESS, HUMILIATION, PAIN AND SUFFERING OF MY CHILDHOOD.  BEATEN AND BLAMED BY MY FAMILY.  SCAPEGOATED.  AND EVERY RELATIONSHIP A COPY OF MY CHILDHOOD, ALL I'VE EVER KNOWN.

I'M CLEARING THE OLD BAD FEELINGS TO EMBRACE HEAVEN.

I MAY NOT BE AN INTROVERT; I MAY HAVE DEVELOPED HABITS OF AVOIDING TOXIC PEOPLE.  MY FAMILY.  I DIDN'T HAVE ANY OTHER EXPERIENCE.  I WAS ISOLATED FROM OTHER PEOPLE, NOT ALLOWED TO INTERACT WITH ANYONE OUTSIDE.  AS I SPEND TIME WITH ALL SENIORS I'M CHANGING.

I CAN FIND HEALING PEOPLE.

IF NOT FOR THE EYE EXAM AND MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE I WOULDN'T HAVE EXAMINED AND RESOLVED THOSE ISSUES.