cheese puffs

feeling i don't know.  i've eaten a lot.  never too late for a happy childhood.  or tomorrow hoppy Easter childhood.  what else might i want?  

today sat day free day.  went to big lots still no spice.  then st just no pantry central returned and picked up.  county cup returned movies let them know needed cleaning, requested another copy.  home cooked asparagus added to chick veg made lots of garlic toast.  toasting slivered almonds to add to wasabi soy.  

watching 'easy to wed'.  1946 van johnson, esther williams, lucille ball, keenan wynn, ben blue, cecil kellaway, june lockhart etc.  new for me.  

sarah starr happy yoga-bloom

episode for hips on a station i don't get so i looked on library sites.  another quest.  a new quest.  

like edgar cayce said be consistent and persistent.

i want to go to lucky's for freebie and asparagus haven't the energy.  i spent so much of my life being forced, driven and then driving myself.  i ate beans on toast.  so good.  took my vites.

8:30 am wore my sweats and slippers put on back brace.  bought asparagus and $1.99 lb strawberries free 29 oz cheeseballs.  waited 15  for big lots to open checked on seasoning none free colgate teeth strips pass.  

feeling almost ok

i need love.   i'm feeling back to 1972.  i deserve love.  everyone deserves love.  i forgot it's thursday bookmobile.  cody brought my combo so i returned to him

11 am found Pele's Wish looking for sondra ray's i deserve love my first self help book.  wow!  a treasure trove of books and adventures.  i'm rich!

i've never felt this calm.  my fear and anxiety drove me forward.  i feel adrift.  floating on the sea of life.  scary.  without fear and anxiety who am i?

better today

mellow from swimming.  lunch ok.  toki arr late alex and man said they were leaving early and didn't.  she sat next table.  i miss her.  

it's working.  1 pm healing music i just scored leftovers from lunch.  they waited since dance party today and city staff had their fill.  2 extra fish and entire meal.  dinner.  ate chips and almonds for dessert slept like a baby.  freezing cold.  

i've got the slows

i don't feel like doing anything.  i've been tossing, turning so i'm tired.  i hate starting the day feeling tired.  i'm mourning my lost childhood.  i'm depressed.  probably most of my life so i can't really discern.

8:30 on the way to seniors drop off bart$ considered cancelling lunch nah.  freshly inspired by bart's tax clipped on mail box i decide on chase detour.  since i'm on the way i deposit at mission cu.  banking done.  safeway frozen veg, tim chips.  i go home early resting for tomorrow.  consider nob hill $5 nah.  nuked 3rd burger with veg.  cheese toast.  chips.

watching 'young'  1984.  i was never that young.  maybe the attraction popularity.

i love sleeping

all snuggly warm total comfort.  best feeling in the world.  my movies my bedtime stories the parents i never had.  

11 am feeling sad watched 'any day now' replay bobby kennedy murder.  still makes me sad i cry.  i don't feel better that i can tell.  i knew back then the brothers did something to cause the way in which they died was not coincidence.  so not just their deaths but the behavior that caused the result.  so sad all around.  and jackie searching for happiness finding more disrespect and humiliation on the world stage.  i can't tell if it makes me weaker or stronger.  we're never untouched.

i have 3 chrome playing healing.  

4:33 on the way home from big lots free starry no hemp season bought toothbrush.  filled water at gym showered.  

going to bed by 9 helps

since i awake early i want to be in bed early too.  i'm feeling flashback anxiety fear of 8 years bedridden unable to walk sit in chair, ride upright in car.  my back is indescribable.  i couldn't drive, relied on friends for rides to doctors, shopping.  eric came and maintained registration on car.  

rose at 10 trying to live my life.  remembered to write out life insurance.  post took it.  one down.  spot cleaning bathrooms.  i've been so massively depressed.  only coming out of it can i behold the magnitude.  and i expect i'll fall back into it.  everything is cyclical.

1 pm back in bed nothing on tv, back to movies.  'puss in boots: last wish' his 9th life = mortality.  strange topic for kids anime.  

9:30 watching snl i haven't seen 20 years.  thinking of '8 billion angels' and man destroying the planet and the posturing on tv.  everything on tv about consumption and technology is destroying the planet.  chemical murder.  the oceans are becoming more and more acidic, the fisheries are being decimated and the commercials still promote senseless consumption.