I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I WANT TO CHECK COSTCO. MAYBE I'LL PICK UP DINNER. OH, WAIT I HAVE 2 SALADS FROM TARGET EXP 4/7. SO MAYBE I'LL WALK. WHO KNOWS WHAT I'LL FIND. I'M OPEN TO MIRACLES.
THIS COVID ISOLATION IS CHALLENGING. THE LACK OF SOCIAL PRESSURE IS WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED. THE SUSPENSION OF JUDGEMENT. CAVE PEOPLE NEEDED SOCIAL JUDGEMENT FOR SURVIVAL. NOW WE NEED THE OPPOSITE. WE NEED ACCEPTANCE. APPEARANCES HAVE BECOME LESS IMPORTANT.
Tuesday, March 31, 2020
Monday, March 30, 2020
LITTLE BY LITTLE
WITH NOTHING TO DO I'M USING ATTENTION DEFICIT TO GRADUALLY, EFFORTLESSLY CLEAR UP. I PUT OUT GARBAGE AND RECYCLE. A LOT MORE STAYING HOME. I STILL HAVE ALL MY SMOKING PARAPHERNALIA TO ORGANIZE.
MY TREAT IS WATCHING JAMIE 15 MINUTE MEALS. HE MUST HAVE A TERRIFIC SCRIPT WRITER. 'A SPANK OF CITRUS' WHEN ADDING LEMON JUICE. I ENJOY LEARNING THE TECHNIQUES AND THE QUALITY OF CONVERSTION.
GOD PREPARED ME. 3/11 TIRE ROTATION AIR CHECK, 3/17 COSTCO FILL UP, 3/ 18 CARLOS CNECK ENGINE LIGHT DIRTY AIR SENSOR CLEANING. I HAVE WATER, TOILET PAPER, H2O2, RUBBING ALCOHOL, ETC THE ESSENTIALS. MANY THINGS I BOUGHT YEARS MONTHS AGO BY INSTINCT I'M USING NOW. MY DISCOMFORT AVOIDANCE OF NEW EXPERIENCES.
TOM CALLED 10;20 TO ASK IF I NEEDE TOILET PAPER OR SANITIZER.
I PICKED UP MY LITTLE LUNCH AND WENT TO LUCKY LAUNDRY WHERE I CHARGED CHROME AND PHONE, DID WASH, ATE LUNCH, FILLED OUT APRIL MENU, RESCUED 5 BOTTLES FROM TRASH. I FOUND OUT WARM WATER 25 CENTS EXTRA. SMART MACHINES. WALTER WARNED ME NOT TO USE CREDIT IN CASE OF HACKERS, GOOD IDEA.
THEN I WENT TO TARGET AND SAVED 50 DOLLARS NOT BUYING 4 DRESSES. 2 SALADS GIFT CARD. I CAME HOME 2 PM.
CATHY TEXTED ME 'ACCIDENTLY' AS HER LANDLADY. SHE SOLD HER CAR FOR MONEY TO LIVE. IF CATHY HADN'T GIVEN ME 3 CASES OF BOTTLED WATER I WOULDN'T HAVE THEM. I GAVE INGA THE FOURTH. IT WORKED OUT SO PERFECTLY. CATHY ASKED ME FOR A RIDE HOME AS SHE WAS FEELING OVERWHELMED MOVING TO HAWAII. MY SEATS WERE FULL. I ASKED INGA IF SHE COULD GIVE HER A RIDE AND PICK UP THE CASE GIVING CATHY A RIDE AND GETTING DIRECTIONS TWO BLOCKS. I DIDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH GETTING INGA THE WATER. HURRAH.
I LOOKED ONLINE TO SEE HOW MUCH THEY COST TO SEND HER MONEY. COSTCO WON'T GIVE PRICES WITHOUT LOG IN. BOO. THEN I REALIZED SHE SAID NOTHING ABOUT EDD. I CALLED TO ASK IF SHE'D FILED SINCE THE CENSUS IS POSTPONED. NO. SHE MUST BE ELIGIBLE. SHE HAD THE JOB AS A SUPERVISOR. EDD GETS THE MONEY FROM PAST EMPLOYERS. WHEN RITZY RAGS CLOSED I HAD IT FOR 6 MONTHS. I DID IT OVER THE PHONE TELLING THEM THE COMPANIES I WORKED FOR. HOPEFULLY SHE CAN GET SOME MONEY QUICKLY.
MY TREAT IS WATCHING JAMIE 15 MINUTE MEALS. HE MUST HAVE A TERRIFIC SCRIPT WRITER. 'A SPANK OF CITRUS' WHEN ADDING LEMON JUICE. I ENJOY LEARNING THE TECHNIQUES AND THE QUALITY OF CONVERSTION.
GOD PREPARED ME. 3/11 TIRE ROTATION AIR CHECK, 3/17 COSTCO FILL UP, 3/ 18 CARLOS CNECK ENGINE LIGHT DIRTY AIR SENSOR CLEANING. I HAVE WATER, TOILET PAPER, H2O2, RUBBING ALCOHOL, ETC THE ESSENTIALS. MANY THINGS I BOUGHT YEARS MONTHS AGO BY INSTINCT I'M USING NOW. MY DISCOMFORT AVOIDANCE OF NEW EXPERIENCES.
TOM CALLED 10;20 TO ASK IF I NEEDE TOILET PAPER OR SANITIZER.
I PICKED UP MY LITTLE LUNCH AND WENT TO LUCKY LAUNDRY WHERE I CHARGED CHROME AND PHONE, DID WASH, ATE LUNCH, FILLED OUT APRIL MENU, RESCUED 5 BOTTLES FROM TRASH. I FOUND OUT WARM WATER 25 CENTS EXTRA. SMART MACHINES. WALTER WARNED ME NOT TO USE CREDIT IN CASE OF HACKERS, GOOD IDEA.
THEN I WENT TO TARGET AND SAVED 50 DOLLARS NOT BUYING 4 DRESSES. 2 SALADS GIFT CARD. I CAME HOME 2 PM.
CATHY TEXTED ME 'ACCIDENTLY' AS HER LANDLADY. SHE SOLD HER CAR FOR MONEY TO LIVE. IF CATHY HADN'T GIVEN ME 3 CASES OF BOTTLED WATER I WOULDN'T HAVE THEM. I GAVE INGA THE FOURTH. IT WORKED OUT SO PERFECTLY. CATHY ASKED ME FOR A RIDE HOME AS SHE WAS FEELING OVERWHELMED MOVING TO HAWAII. MY SEATS WERE FULL. I ASKED INGA IF SHE COULD GIVE HER A RIDE AND PICK UP THE CASE GIVING CATHY A RIDE AND GETTING DIRECTIONS TWO BLOCKS. I DIDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH GETTING INGA THE WATER. HURRAH.
I LOOKED ONLINE TO SEE HOW MUCH THEY COST TO SEND HER MONEY. COSTCO WON'T GIVE PRICES WITHOUT LOG IN. BOO. THEN I REALIZED SHE SAID NOTHING ABOUT EDD. I CALLED TO ASK IF SHE'D FILED SINCE THE CENSUS IS POSTPONED. NO. SHE MUST BE ELIGIBLE. SHE HAD THE JOB AS A SUPERVISOR. EDD GETS THE MONEY FROM PAST EMPLOYERS. WHEN RITZY RAGS CLOSED I HAD IT FOR 6 MONTHS. I DID IT OVER THE PHONE TELLING THEM THE COMPANIES I WORKED FOR. HOPEFULLY SHE CAN GET SOME MONEY QUICKLY.
Sunday, March 29, 2020
young frank
I LOVE TO LAUGH. I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN. WHEN WE WERE LITTLE WE SPENT EVERY NEW YEAR'S EVE AT FLORENCE AND JIMMY CATO'S POTLUCK PARTY WATCHING THE ORIGINAL FRANKENSTEIN. AT MIDNIGHT THEY'D RELEASE A CANOPY OF BALLOONS WE'D POP LOOKING FOR MONEY. WE'D GET HOME 2 AM. WE DIDN'T HAVE THE 6 AM RITUAL ZONI SOUP BACK THEN.
WE SUDDENLY STOPPED GOING. I WAS RELIEVED. I DON'T KNOW WHY THE SUDDEN BREAK WITH THE HAWAII CLUB. MAYBE DAD'S DRINKING. THERE WAS LESS PRESSURE, TENSION AT HOME. FOR AWHILE UNTIL MOM STARTED WORKING AND NEW TENSIONS AROSE.
I WAS TERRIFIED LINKING THE KIDS WITH LOSING MY COUSINS WHEN WE MOVED HERE AND NOT KNOWING WHAT WAS HAPPENING. NO ONE EXPLAINED TO ME. I MISSED MY HAWAII FAMILY. MY DEPRESSION STARTED THEN AT 4 YEARS OLD. A VAGUE SADNESS.
SUDDENLY MY PARENTS WERE ISOLATED TO REINVENT THEMSELVES.
COVID ISOLATION=REINVENTION.
MY FEARS CAME FROM WATCHING KING KONG. MY PARENTS WERE ANIMALS EMOTIONALLY STUNTED AT 3 YEARS OLD. DARWINIAN EVOLUTION. I HAD NIGHTMARES FOR 3 NIGHTS IN A ROW AFTER WATCHING KING KONG. I WAS AFRAID THE ANIMAL WOULD KILL ME. TEAR ME LIMB FROM LIMB. I LEARNED TO CHANGE MY RESPONSE TO THE FEAR. I COULD CHANGE THE DREAM AND OUTCOME. I WAS PHYSICALLY 8 AND EMOTIONALLY OLDER THAN MY PARENTS.
WE SUDDENLY STOPPED GOING. I WAS RELIEVED. I DON'T KNOW WHY THE SUDDEN BREAK WITH THE HAWAII CLUB. MAYBE DAD'S DRINKING. THERE WAS LESS PRESSURE, TENSION AT HOME. FOR AWHILE UNTIL MOM STARTED WORKING AND NEW TENSIONS AROSE.
I WAS TERRIFIED LINKING THE KIDS WITH LOSING MY COUSINS WHEN WE MOVED HERE AND NOT KNOWING WHAT WAS HAPPENING. NO ONE EXPLAINED TO ME. I MISSED MY HAWAII FAMILY. MY DEPRESSION STARTED THEN AT 4 YEARS OLD. A VAGUE SADNESS.
SUDDENLY MY PARENTS WERE ISOLATED TO REINVENT THEMSELVES.
COVID ISOLATION=REINVENTION.
MY FEARS CAME FROM WATCHING KING KONG. MY PARENTS WERE ANIMALS EMOTIONALLY STUNTED AT 3 YEARS OLD. DARWINIAN EVOLUTION. I HAD NIGHTMARES FOR 3 NIGHTS IN A ROW AFTER WATCHING KING KONG. I WAS AFRAID THE ANIMAL WOULD KILL ME. TEAR ME LIMB FROM LIMB. I LEARNED TO CHANGE MY RESPONSE TO THE FEAR. I COULD CHANGE THE DREAM AND OUTCOME. I WAS PHYSICALLY 8 AND EMOTIONALLY OLDER THAN MY PARENTS.
Saturday, March 28, 2020
drains
BEEN 13 DAYS SINCE I WASHED MY HAIR. I SHOWERED IN THE HALL BATHROOM WHERE MOM DIED. I USED MY LONG WHITE TERRY ROBE THAT'S BEEN HANGING FOR MAYBE 10 YEARS SINCE I MOVED INTO THE MASTER BEDROOM. I DIDN'T THINK OR PLAN. I DIDN'T HAVE A FACE CLOTH OR HAIR TOWEL. AND IT WAS GOOD.
THE DRAIN SCREEN WAS PLUGGED FROM THE 10 YEARS OF DUST BUILD UP AND THAT WAS OK TOO. NOW I JUST HAVE TO KEEP WARM WHILE MY HAIR DRIES. I DON'T WANT TO USE THE DRYER. I LIKE THE QUIET.
I'VE DECIDED TO WAIT 'TIL I'M HUNGRY TO EAT LUNCH. OK 1;30.
WALTER CALLED 65 MINUTES CATHY CALLED 21.
THE DRAIN SCREEN WAS PLUGGED FROM THE 10 YEARS OF DUST BUILD UP AND THAT WAS OK TOO. NOW I JUST HAVE TO KEEP WARM WHILE MY HAIR DRIES. I DON'T WANT TO USE THE DRYER. I LIKE THE QUIET.
I'VE DECIDED TO WAIT 'TIL I'M HUNGRY TO EAT LUNCH. OK 1;30.
WALTER CALLED 65 MINUTES CATHY CALLED 21.
Friday, March 27, 2020
love
TODAY'S DAILY WORD. I'M FEELING NAUSEA. RIGHT BUTTOCK SORE. MY BACK WOKE ME UP 1;30 SO AT 2 I ATE ONE OF THE SALADS FROM TARGET. I DID SOME STRETCHING. WATCHED 2 MOVIES. NAPPED A LITTLE. LISTENED TO CD. WHEN MY SHOULDER BLADES WERE HURTING I COULD FEEL AILEEN POUNDING ON ME. MOM POUNDING ON AILEEN WAS WAY WORSE/HORRIFIC. I NEVER PROCESSED ANY OF IT BEING TOO BUSY SURVIVING MY CHILDHOOD. AND THEN BEING ATTENTION DEFICIT I NEVER DWELL ON ANYTHING I DON'T LIKE. WHY I KEEP ACCIDENTLY WATCHING MOVIES I DON'T LIKE. I WATCHED LOVE ACTUALLY A NUMBER OF TIMES BEFORE I PROGRAMMED MYSELF TO REMEMBER I DIDN'T LIKE IT. I DON'T KNOW WHY I DON'T LIKE IT. MY MEMORY ERASES THE MOVIE EVERY TIME I WATCH IT. I HAVE IT IN A COMPILATION SET MAYBE I'LL TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT. HOT IN CLEVELAND USES THE MOVIE IN A PLOT TO TEST MEN'S SENSITIVITY. ALL THE MEN HATE IT.
I WENT TO LAFF LAUNDRY CLOSED. OPEN YESTERDAY. I WENT TO WINCHESTER LAUNDRY. 50 CENTS CHEAPER AND NEW MACHINES TAKE CREDIT CARD. I JUST HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE IT.
AT SENIORS IN LINE. FIRE FIGHTERS HAVEN'T BROUGHT WEEKEND LUNCH SO WE'RE WAITING.
OMG. 6 FT TALL EXTREMELY WHITE PRACTICALLY ALBINO OLD MAN WALKING WITH 4'6 ASIAN OLD WOMAN.
11;11 THE FIREFIFGTER FOOD HAS ARRIVED. SO ANOTHER HALF HOUR 'TIL HOME. I SCARED MYSELF. I ACCIDENTLY PRESSED THE PANJC BUTTON ON THE CAR FOB AND SINCE I'D NEVER USED IT TOOK AWHILE TO FIGURE IT OUT. HONKING AND FLASHING LIGHTS.
LAPTOP KEEPS ME WARM. LUNCH WAS OK. I HUNG THE CLOTHES FIRST. I'LL ADD THE SPAGHETTI SAUCE TO THE CHILI -VEG SOUP AND CORNBREAD FOR DINNER.
I'M TIRED. NOT SLEEPING AND DRIVING AROUND DOING LAUNDRY. I DON'T LIKE CHANGE. TOO SCARY. DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES GO FROM ONE FIRE TO THE NEXT. DAD HAD SOMETHING MAJOR AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR. MAKES MY BODY WEAK JUST THINKING OF IT.
I WENT TO LAFF LAUNDRY CLOSED. OPEN YESTERDAY. I WENT TO WINCHESTER LAUNDRY. 50 CENTS CHEAPER AND NEW MACHINES TAKE CREDIT CARD. I JUST HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE IT.
AT SENIORS IN LINE. FIRE FIGHTERS HAVEN'T BROUGHT WEEKEND LUNCH SO WE'RE WAITING.
OMG. 6 FT TALL EXTREMELY WHITE PRACTICALLY ALBINO OLD MAN WALKING WITH 4'6 ASIAN OLD WOMAN.
11;11 THE FIREFIFGTER FOOD HAS ARRIVED. SO ANOTHER HALF HOUR 'TIL HOME. I SCARED MYSELF. I ACCIDENTLY PRESSED THE PANJC BUTTON ON THE CAR FOB AND SINCE I'D NEVER USED IT TOOK AWHILE TO FIGURE IT OUT. HONKING AND FLASHING LIGHTS.
LAPTOP KEEPS ME WARM. LUNCH WAS OK. I HUNG THE CLOTHES FIRST. I'LL ADD THE SPAGHETTI SAUCE TO THE CHILI -VEG SOUP AND CORNBREAD FOR DINNER.
I'M TIRED. NOT SLEEPING AND DRIVING AROUND DOING LAUNDRY. I DON'T LIKE CHANGE. TOO SCARY. DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES GO FROM ONE FIRE TO THE NEXT. DAD HAD SOMETHING MAJOR AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR. MAKES MY BODY WEAK JUST THINKING OF IT.
Thursday, March 26, 2020
physical pain
I LISTENED TO SECRET CD ALL NIGHT AND AWOKE ACUTELY AWARE OF NEEDING LOVE. IT WAS ALMOST A PHYSICAL PAIN IN MY SHOULDERS. NEEDING TO BE HELD. BABIES WITH THEIR OUTSTRETCHED ARMS.
THERE'S A SAYING 'THE GODS MUST BE JEALOUS' AND THERE ARE MYTHS ABOUT THE LENGTHS JEALOUS GODS WILL GO TO PUNISHING MORTALS. WELL, WE KNOW THAT ONE FIRST HAND. MOM CONVINCED AILEEN HER ABUSE WAS DESERVED. AILEEN LOST MORE THAN I DID MOVING HERE. MOM INSISTED WE CAME HERE TO GET DAD AWAY FROM HIS FRIENDS AND THAT WAS PART OF IT BUT DAD KEPT DRINKING WITH HER OWN OLDER BROTHER. OR MAYBE SHE WAS JUST JEALOUS HE HAD FRIENDS. MITZI WAS BORN HERE A FEW MONTHS AFTER WE GOT HERE.
MITZI WAS HER BABY. MOM WAS STILL A BABY.
MITZI DIDN'T KNOW THE UNCLES, AUNTS, COUSINS AND GRANDS. IT WAS PROBABLY HARDEST ON AILEEN. SHE HAD TO START OVER AT 9. I HAD 2 YEARS TO GET USED TO THE MAINLAND. AILEEN EXPERIENCED PREJUDICE FOR THE FIRST TIME. HAWAII HAS THE MOST BALANCED ACCEPTANCE OF DIFFERENT CULTURES BEING IN THE MIDDLE OF EAST AND WEST.
I PICKED UP MY LUNCH AFTER RUNNING ERRANDS AND ACTUALLY ENJOYED DRIVING AROUND. IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME. AFTER I MOVED HOME TO DAD'S CANCER I WAS ALWAYS TOO BUSY TO ENJOY MUCH, RUNNING FROM ONE JOB TO ANOTHER. AND PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY IS EXHAUSTING. TAKING THEM TO THE DOCTORS, WORKING AND TRYING TO LIVE LIFE. MOM AND DAD NEVER HAD TO TAKE CARE OF THEIR PARENTS. MAYBE THAT'S ANOTHER REASON WE MOVED HERE.
THERE'S A SAYING 'THE GODS MUST BE JEALOUS' AND THERE ARE MYTHS ABOUT THE LENGTHS JEALOUS GODS WILL GO TO PUNISHING MORTALS. WELL, WE KNOW THAT ONE FIRST HAND. MOM CONVINCED AILEEN HER ABUSE WAS DESERVED. AILEEN LOST MORE THAN I DID MOVING HERE. MOM INSISTED WE CAME HERE TO GET DAD AWAY FROM HIS FRIENDS AND THAT WAS PART OF IT BUT DAD KEPT DRINKING WITH HER OWN OLDER BROTHER. OR MAYBE SHE WAS JUST JEALOUS HE HAD FRIENDS. MITZI WAS BORN HERE A FEW MONTHS AFTER WE GOT HERE.
MITZI WAS HER BABY. MOM WAS STILL A BABY.
MITZI DIDN'T KNOW THE UNCLES, AUNTS, COUSINS AND GRANDS. IT WAS PROBABLY HARDEST ON AILEEN. SHE HAD TO START OVER AT 9. I HAD 2 YEARS TO GET USED TO THE MAINLAND. AILEEN EXPERIENCED PREJUDICE FOR THE FIRST TIME. HAWAII HAS THE MOST BALANCED ACCEPTANCE OF DIFFERENT CULTURES BEING IN THE MIDDLE OF EAST AND WEST.
I PICKED UP MY LUNCH AFTER RUNNING ERRANDS AND ACTUALLY ENJOYED DRIVING AROUND. IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME. AFTER I MOVED HOME TO DAD'S CANCER I WAS ALWAYS TOO BUSY TO ENJOY MUCH, RUNNING FROM ONE JOB TO ANOTHER. AND PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY IS EXHAUSTING. TAKING THEM TO THE DOCTORS, WORKING AND TRYING TO LIVE LIFE. MOM AND DAD NEVER HAD TO TAKE CARE OF THEIR PARENTS. MAYBE THAT'S ANOTHER REASON WE MOVED HERE.
Wednesday, March 25, 2020
toki
SHE LEFT 6 SAFEWAY MONOPOLY TICKETS I FOUND ON THE FRONT DOOR AS I WAS LEAVING TO PICK UP LUNCH. I CALLED WHEN I GOT INTO CAR. MISTAKE. WE TALKED TOO LONG AND WHEN I GOT TO SENIORS THE LINE WAS AROUND THE BLOCK TO FREMONT. JOHN FROM ST JUSTIN WAS THERE IN HIS AUDI.
GREEN MILK NOT PINK. I DROVE TO CHECK LAUNDRY OPEN, YES. AND SCU FREE LIP BALM OUT. SO TOMORROW WASH.
I CHECKED ON MY BOROWING AND ALL PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED. I'M READING LONG LOST FRIENDS AND PUFFIN CLASSIC INDIAN TALES.
I ATE 3 PCS OF CHOCOLATE IN MY LUNCH, FELL ASLEEP AND DREAMED I WENT TO ST JUSTIN STORE. THE DOOR WAS UNLOCKED, I WENT IN, LOOKED AROUND AND TEENS SHOWED UP AND EVENTUALLY JOHN. DIDN'T EVEN ASK HOW I GOT IN.
I DECIDED ON CORBREAD AND CHILI FOR DINNER. I LOOKED FOR THE MIXING BOWL AND REMEMBERED I PUT LETTUCE IN IT. HURRAH ME!
GREEN MILK NOT PINK. I DROVE TO CHECK LAUNDRY OPEN, YES. AND SCU FREE LIP BALM OUT. SO TOMORROW WASH.
I CHECKED ON MY BOROWING AND ALL PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED. I'M READING LONG LOST FRIENDS AND PUFFIN CLASSIC INDIAN TALES.
I ATE 3 PCS OF CHOCOLATE IN MY LUNCH, FELL ASLEEP AND DREAMED I WENT TO ST JUSTIN STORE. THE DOOR WAS UNLOCKED, I WENT IN, LOOKED AROUND AND TEENS SHOWED UP AND EVENTUALLY JOHN. DIDN'T EVEN ASK HOW I GOT IN.
I DECIDED ON CORBREAD AND CHILI FOR DINNER. I LOOKED FOR THE MIXING BOWL AND REMEMBERED I PUT LETTUCE IN IT. HURRAH ME!
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