physical pain

I LISTENED TO SECRET CD ALL NIGHT AND AWOKE ACUTELY AWARE OF NEEDING LOVE.  IT WAS ALMOST A PHYSICAL PAIN IN MY SHOULDERS.  NEEDING TO BE HELD.  BABIES WITH THEIR OUTSTRETCHED ARMS.

THERE'S A SAYING 'THE GODS MUST BE JEALOUS' AND THERE ARE MYTHS ABOUT THE LENGTHS JEALOUS GODS WILL GO TO PUNISHING MORTALS.  WELL, WE KNOW THAT ONE FIRST HAND.  MOM CONVINCED AILEEN HER ABUSE WAS DESERVED.  AILEEN LOST MORE THAN I DID MOVING HERE.  MOM INSISTED WE CAME HERE TO GET DAD AWAY FROM HIS FRIENDS AND THAT WAS PART OF IT BUT DAD KEPT DRINKING WITH HER OWN OLDER BROTHER.  OR MAYBE SHE WAS JUST JEALOUS HE HAD FRIENDS.  MITZI WAS BORN HERE A FEW MONTHS AFTER WE GOT HERE.

MITZI WAS HER BABY.  MOM WAS STILL A BABY.

MITZI DIDN'T KNOW THE UNCLES, AUNTS, COUSINS AND GRANDS.  IT WAS PROBABLY HARDEST ON AILEEN.   SHE HAD TO START OVER AT 9.  I HAD 2 YEARS TO GET USED TO THE MAINLAND.  AILEEN EXPERIENCED PREJUDICE FOR THE FIRST TIME.  HAWAII HAS THE MOST BALANCED ACCEPTANCE OF DIFFERENT CULTURES BEING IN THE MIDDLE OF EAST AND WEST. 

I PICKED UP MY LUNCH AFTER RUNNING ERRANDS AND ACTUALLY ENJOYED DRIVING AROUND.  IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.  AFTER I MOVED HOME TO DAD'S CANCER I WAS ALWAYS TOO BUSY TO ENJOY MUCH, RUNNING FROM ONE JOB TO ANOTHER.  AND PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY IS EXHAUSTING.  TAKING THEM TO THE DOCTORS, WORKING AND TRYING TO LIVE LIFE.  MOM AND DAD NEVER HAD TO TAKE CARE OF THEIR PARENTS.  MAYBE THAT'S ANOTHER REASON WE MOVED HERE.