12/31

page wouldn't open yesterday and i didn't sweat it.  woo-hoo!!  i just went along my night.  

stayed in bed 'til 8!  still feeling tired.  came to library 58% charge so minimum computer and went to gym 2, soaked, stretched, charged chrome, dried hair and filled waters.  walked safe way and deli has chinese!!  i got side 2 entrees meal 39 cents more than panda express but no additional driving, 4 mini parfait $4.99.  used gift card whew!  done and done.  went back to library to game and compute.  ate almost entire meal listening to healing.  left groceries picked up file folders.

remembered last day lucky's free soda and yogurt.  walked store.  last day big lots $5 off $15.  bought dried pineapple and strawberries for oat meal, great red white black plaid new york laundry hoodie, vitamin c candies.  returned beets.

home 5:30.  ate meatloaf with grits, cooked onion carrot for tomorrow.  chips 2 mini parfait dessert.

15 minutes in to beautiful day

when Lloyd is looking so confused and hurt i know what he's feeling.  been there.  still feel that way some times.  i suppose i need to honor that.  watching 'beautiful day' fourth time.  

my stomach was upset getting calmer.  i ate meat loaf and bread for b'fast.  bit of porridge.  but it's probably the emotions upset.  i kept eating vitamin c candies.  probably 6.  better.

i'm going to seniors later.  i'm being gentler with myself.  not pushing as hard.  what would my life had been if i'd been lead instead of pushed?  no one talks about the parents or figures that produce a mr. rogers or temple grandin.  mr. rogers asks lloyd 'who loved him to become the man he is.'  

i enjoy waiting for toke and chatting as we go to our cars.  went sunny vale library to eat lunch, compute, charge since closed tomorrow.  and then to gym 2 i felt pretty well rested.  home 5 pm.  glad dinner pre cooked.  feeling tired.

i cried

i planned to watch 'mr rogers' movie non stop 15 minutes in my legs got chills run away!!  i got up looking for a distraction:  find paper, a notebook, pen not right another pen, book needs dusting.  the father everyone needs.  my father a large dangerous vindictive child.  

i avoided watching the tom hanks movie.  didn't care for the actor and was afraid to be disappointed.  the spirit is there.  i'll have to watch a bite at a time.

i'm finally crying for dad.  i haven't for 22 years.  when he died i felt relief.  i was physically emotionally spiritually drained.  i had nothing left.  i was a dry husk.  

what a different world if we'd all been raised by fred rogers.  

i did my lunch and drove to library and soak.  stopped nob hill another meat loaf.  i need protein to heal my body.  home i ate onion potato meat loaf rested finally found mail.  i'm ok.  i know next year great.  

beautiful energy back

it's raining and stopping long enough for me to get things done.  my energy is back.  i went back to cost co 8:15 am drove right to pump.  such a difference from yesterday.  

gym 2 shampooed soaked stretched taking my time.  straight to seniors art was alone so i sat with him not hungry from exercise.  Greg showed up i waited 'til toke came and walked out with her.  perfect.

drove past main closed st just too rainy to leave groceries.  kiely to sunny vale library.  lunched in car weak reception.  inside i returned 'america' browsed sale, filled waters, charged chrome listened healing, gamed, mailed, borrowed 6.  i forgot to check nob hill $5 moon day so stopped by.  holiday 2 day sale.  $5 frozen 32 oz meatloaf microwaveable.  ate half (3) with bread lettuce.  yum.  cooked onion potato for tomorrow.  

misplaced mail.  i got excited over grocery ads and put them somewhere safe.  excitement replaced by celebrity wheel of fortune excitement.  i'm ok.  i can call for replacements.

s v library just started pouring

chased away the food group that gathers every weekend trading groceries.  they usually stand around talking.  

i'm feeling fear and anxiety probably the downside of enjoying the peace and quiet yesterday.  processing years of fears holidays bring.  never sure of the level of family violence anticipated.  poised ready to run hide.  such an expenditure of energy.  i'm feeling tired.  i cooked sewed sorted all yesterday.  productive satisfying.  i don't have to gym 2 unless i want.

got home 3:30.  drove past cost co gas.  a thousand others same idea of fill up.  entire parking lot packed.  drove back way.  took out garbage added street and recycle bins.  

i'm watching romance movies trying to figure them out.  i know none of my relationships worked because not a good fit.  that's it.

freedom

what a feeling.  loving it.  no schedule.  sitting s v library gaming computing.  slight scare re connection.  it's ok now.  an hour already.  time flies.  feeling calm and peace filled.  

if i hadn't moved back to take care of mom and dad i wouldn't appreciate the quiet peace and calm.  this time is so so precious to me.  all noise is mine.

yay!! soaked stretched gym 2 and tried Wendy's biscuit only 'til 10:30 and not $1 i went burger king 2 jr 2 fries with chili.  checked out big lots sunflower seeds beet i have to refund return by 1/23/22 too toxic.  dessert of strawberry cheerios almonds with strawberry quick milk.  so good.  food digests better without stress from family.  

best christmas ever.

lovely

rain stopped just in time for me to go to library.  i computed then exercised.  went a different shorter route.  straight to seniors thought about target.  too tired.  

inge gave me a tin of butter cookies.  i thought about what i wanted to do, nothing.  home i ate lunch, cooked onions, potatoes, squash to add to chili and corn.  2 toasted croissants for dessert.  toast with cream cheese and cranberry cherry preserves.  so good.