NEW YEAR EVE

I'M FEELING A LITTLE SAD.  I'D LIKE SOMEONE TO SHARE IT WITH.  FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 20 YEARS I HAVE THE ENERGY TO FEEL LIKE DOING SOMETHING WITH SOMEONE.

WOW, I HAVE ENERGY.

I'M WATCHING TOP HAT FRED ASTAIRE AND ALL I CAN THINK OF IS YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN.

UP 'TIL 12;30

AWAKE 5;30 AND I'M HAPPY.  I WATCHED 'THE THING ABOUT MY FOLKS'. 

 I LIKE SEEING THE POSSIBILITIES.  WITH THE VARIETY IN THE UNIVERSE ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

I'M DEDICATED TO PLAYING.  ALL OTHER ANIMALS LEARN THROUGH PLAY.  I CAN TOO.

I LISTENED TO THE SECRET CD ALL DAY.  I FELT LIKE DANCING. 

CAREFREE DAY

RESTING FOR THE WEEK.  I EXERCISED 10;30, BOUGHT PANDA EXPRESS MORE FOR LESS.  OPEN NEW YEARS.  2.2 MILES.  HURRAH!!!

I CAME HOME WATCHED REVENGE PINK PANTHER AND ATE PANDA.  SO GOOD.  NAPPED IN CHAIR.  HAPPY BABY.

PLAYING

MUSICIANS PLAY.  MUSIC IS EMOTION.  THE SCORE OF A MOVIE CREATES THE MOOD.

MUSIC/ART IS EXPRESSIVE.   DENOTES THE INNER LIFE.  SHARES THE ESSENCE OF INDIVIDUALITY.  IS THE UNIQUE SINGULAR EXPRESSION THAT CONNECTS US AND MAKES COMMON.  THE 'I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT' 'THAT'S WHAT I MEAN' 'TOOK THE WORDS OUT OF MY MOUTH'.

I WATCHED 'WHERE'D YOU GO BERNADETTE' MUSIC CYNDI LAUPER 'TIME AFTER TIME'.  TIMELESS.  AND 'BUILD ME UP BUTTERCUP' FROM 'THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY'.

I'VE BEEN DEPRESSED LIVING IN THE PARENTS HOUSE.  BERNADETTE LIKE 'SONG OF BERNADETTE' HAS VISIONS.  WE MUST CREATE OR DIE.  SO SOME PEOPLE CREATE MESSES NOT BELIEVING CAN THEY CAN DO MORE.

PITY REALLY.

5 PM I FINISHED WATCHING THE LAST BIG BANG AND DROVE TO CAMPBELL TO GET REVENGE PINK PANTHER ANDREW SACHS.  HAMILTON BURGER KING 2/1 NOT AS GOOD $6.11.  HALFORD SCOTT BETTER.

READY

CAR WINDOWS ICED 38 o.  I REFILLED H2O YESTERDAY CLEAR SAILING.  BEAUTIFUL DAY.  I GOT CD PLAYER TOGETHER.  WOO HOO....

I WENT TO WALGREEN'S SMOKES, $STORE MOUTHWASH AND CORN CHIPS.

I PASSED ON 24 HR, SHOWERED AT SENIORS AND BIKED.  WALTER SHOWED UP.  LUNCH WAS LITTLE TINY HALF CUPS OF CHILE, CARROT RAISIN, DINNER ROLL, ORANGE.  I HUNG OUT TALKING TO WALTER POINTING HIM TO THE FUTURE.  I LEFT 2;30 TO UNDER MAIN TO RETURN DVD'S AND PICK UP TEEN GRAPHICS.  I DECIDED ON BURGER KING 2/1 WHOPPERS.  ATE ONE, COOKED THE ONIONS, ADDED TO SECOND BURGER.  MAYBE LUNCH MAYBE BREAKFAST.

TALKED TO WALTER UNTIL 2;30.  HELPING HIM THROUGH HIS FATHER'S EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE.  I ASKED HIM IF HE WANTED TO EMULATE HIS DAD AND THE FAMILY TRADITION KNOWING HOW IT ENDS OR IF HE WANTED TO LIVE HIS OWN LIFE AND HOW THAT WOULD LOOK, FEEL, TASTE, SMELL.  I TOLD HIM HE COULD FIND SOMEONE TO SUPPORT THE PAST IF HE WANTED.  HE TALKED ABOUT HIS SISTER.  I ASKED IF HIS BROTHER IN LAW WAS LIKE HIS DAD AND EXPLAINED HARVILLE HENDRIX.  I KIND OF ENJOY LEADING THE WAY AND SHARING WHAT I'VE LEARNED.

WONDER FILLED

I'M SO RELAXED I'M SCARED.  I'M NOT USED TO FEELING LIKE THIS.  I EXERCISED 8 FELT LIKE STAYING ALL DAY.  I CAN DO THAT SATURDAY.  I CHARGED MY CHROME, PUZZLED WITH THE CD ON.  INGE WAS GONE ON VACATION WITH MAURICE, IT WAS ART AND GERDA.  LOVELY QUIET, PEACEFUL.  I NEVER NOTICED HOW DISRUPTIVE LUNCH HAS BEEN. 

LUNCH WE WERE FIRST.  I HAD CHICKEN AND SALAD MADE QUINOA FOR DINNER.  I CAME HOME 3.  I DECIDED COUNTY LIBRARY SATURDAY, CITY LIBRARY TOMORROW. 

JUST FOR ME

I BORROWED 4 CHRISTMAS DVD'S FROM THE LIBRARY.  I MADE LOADED OATMEAL SUNFLOWER SEEDS PINEAPPLE CHERRY.  I MAY GO FOR CHOW MEIN LATER I MAY NOT.

I'M TOPPED UP ON THE SECRET CD.

I CALLED WALTER TO WISH HIM HAPPY CHRISTMAS.  I NOTICED CATHY TEXTED ME.  IT WOULDN'T DOWNLOAD.

I WENT TO CUPERTINO SAFEWAY AND NO HOT BAR.  I DROVE TO PANDA EXPRESS CLOSED AND MARIA SAFEWAY ACROSS THE STREET.  I DROVE TO TONG SOON $13 FOR 1 ORDER CHOW MEIN.  DELICIOUS.  ATE IT ALL 3 PM FOR LUNCH AND DINNER. 

I CALLED CATHY ON HER WAY TO PICK UP LO MEIN AND TO VISIT HER MOM. 

I WATCHED 3 DVD CHRISTMAS MOVIES.

JUST FOR ME. 

8 YR OLD DREAD

MOM WENT TO WORK.  I BECAME A LATCH KEY KID.  I HAD TO WAIT 'TIL AILEEN CAME HOME AND LET ME IN.  MOM WAS SO DESPERATE AILEEN AT 13 BECAME HER BEST FRIEND.  I REMEMBER THE STRESS AND ANXIETY OF MOM WORRYING ABOUT KEEPING HER JOB.  3 YEAR OLD MITZI WENT TO BABYSITTER.  SHE STARTED GETTING SICKLY AND WHINY.  EMOTIONAL LIKE MOM.

old musicals make me happy.  then and now.  took me away from home.

I GOT TO 24 HOUR 8;30 CATHY CALLED FROM HAWAII TALKING ABOUT HER WILD RABBITS.  I BLANKED.  DAD CATCHING AND SELLING THE RABBITS AT LAWRENCE FREAKED ME OUT.  SHE'S LOVING HAWAII.  HOPEFULLY SHE WON'T MIND THE HEAT IN SUMMER.  TALKED FOR 9 HALF MINUTES.  PHONE STARTED CUTTING OUT. 

LUNCH PORK CHOP, POTATO, CANDY CARROTS, PINEAPPLE.  LOTS OF LEFT OVERS.  I HAD PORK CHOP AND CARROTS FOR DINNER.  PINEAPPLE FOR MY OATMEAL.

I MAY HAVE CHINESE OR BK TOMORROW.  I'M FREE.

LITTLE ME

MY LIFE IN THIS HOUSE WAS CONSTANTLY THREATENED.  MOM SAYING SHE'D KILL ME AND I WAS BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING.  EVERYTHING BAD AND EVERYTHING GOOD WAS MADE BAD.  MOM DAD SISTERS COULDN'T JUST ACCEPT HAPPINESS.

LIFE WITHOUT FEAR AND ANXIETY WASN'T LIVING TO THEM.  AND THE SISTERS STILL BLAME ME.  THEY'RE DOOMING THEMSELVES TO UNHAPPINESS.  THEY'LL NEVER TAKE CHARGE OF THEIR HAPPINESS AND CONTINUE CREATING DISSATISFACTION AND BLAMING ME.

FEAR AND ANXIETY HAVE PERMEATED THIS HOUSE FOR MY LIFE.  THEY'RE FINALLY LEAVING.  LIKE EVERY PLACE I'VE LIVED I RAISE THE VIBRATIONS.  MY NEIGHBOR RADIO AVE NOTICED AND COMMENTED.  SHE'S THE ONE WHO TOLD ME OF THE PREVIOUS TENANT'S METH FIRE.  WHY THE CARPET DRAPES PAINT NEW.

I DREAMED ART ARMSTRONG GAVE AWAY MY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS AND BUGSO COMFORTED ME SO I COULD GET THEM BACK.  WE'RE SITTING IN A LARGE AUDITORIUM.  THE CENTER FOR PERFORMING ARTS.

I'M ENJOYING EASING DOWN THE ROAD.  I'M GETTING SO COMFORTABLE DONG MY THING. 

what i need

I HAVE WHAT I NEED TO SURVIVE.  I WANT TO LIVE AND THAT TAKES WHAT I WANT.  I WANT LOVE, COMFORT, LUXURY.

I LISTENED TO THE SECRET CD ALL AFTERNOON.  I WAS READY TO DO AND SPENT THE DAY BEING.  I WATCHED HOT IN CLEVELAND AND SLEPT A LOT.  YESTERDAY I WENT TO EXERCISE AFTER RESTING AND DID LAUNDRY SO TODAY I GUESS I RESTED.  I MADE MAC AND CHEESE IN THE QUICK TUB.  ATE THE ENTIRE BOX FOR LUNCH AND DINNER.

HAPPY BABY.

rested

I SLEPT 10;30, WOKE 3;30 WATCHED HOT IN CLEVELAND.  FELL ASLEEP DREAMED DAD IS RIDING A BANANA SEAT BIKE DEAD HEADING ROSES FRONT YARD.  I ATTACH A PLASTIC BAG TO HANDLE BARS TO COLLECT HEADS.   I HELP PEOPLE.  IT'S WHAT I DO.

I'M RESOLVING MY EMOTIONAL ISSUES.

WOKE 10 ORGANIZED SUPPLEMENTS FOR WEEK.  WARMED POTATOES AND TURKEY.  YUM.

2 PM I WENT TO ARQUES AND WASHED MY HAIR.  I DECIDED TO GO TO FAIR OAKS LAUNDRY AND DROVE PAST WOLFE WITH A PARKING PLACE AT THE FRONT DOOR.  SO I WENT IN AND WAITED FOR A FREE MACHINE.  MAYBE 10 MINUTES I PEOPLE WATCHED.  I CAME HOME AND ATE THE REST OF THE CHRISTMAS TURKEY AND POTATOES. 

I'M HAVING THE BEST TIME TAKING MY TIME.

SLEEPLESS IN

MOMENTOUS NIGHT.  AFTER AN HOUR ASLEEP  I WOKE WITH A DREAM OF MY CAT WANTING TO BE PICKED UP AND PETTED.  AND THE EVERLY BROS SINGING 'I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHY YOU WALKED OUT ON ME.  I'M SO LONELY EVERY DAY.'

I'VE LIVED A LIFE OF SACRIFICE GIVING UP EVERYTHING FOR THE GREATER GOOD.  TAKING CARE OF PEOPLE WHO NEVER RECIPROCATED.  GIVING UP ALL I LOVED.  LOSING MY PASSION FOR LIFE.

I'M DONE.  I CAN LIVE FOR MYSELF.

I CAN'T FIND GIFTS BECAUSE I ALREADY HAVE THEM.  THE SOCKS AND A D CREAM.  I FOUND DRINK MIX, TURMERIC, MIXED NUTS. CHIPS.  I WENT TO 4 $ STORES AND SPROUTS, CO LIBRARY BESIDES G2.  I CAN WRAP AT LIBRARY. 

FEELING ABOMINABLE

I'M WATCHING THE SPECIAL FEATURES.  BOOK MOBILE HAD IT.  I FORGOT I WANTED TO SEE IT.

I DREAMED I HAD A BIG WHITE BOARD WITH MY PAST.  MY FIRST INCLINATION WAS TO ERASE BUT I WANT TO REMEMBER ALL I'VE LEARNED.  SO I GOT ANOTHER  NEW BLANK BOARD TO PUT IN FRONT.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY.  I GOT HOME EARLY TO ENJOY.  CHRISTMAS LUNCH WAS GREAT.  TURKEY, STUFFING, CRANBERRY, VEGS, GREENS PECAN CRANBERRY PEAR, ROASTED RED POTATOES.  LOTS OF LEFTOVERS. 

INGE GAVE ME $ POT HOLDERS TOWELS, HELEN GAVE ME CANDY CARD.

FREE FROM DISTRACTIONS

I WOKE WITH AILEEN RUINING THINGS A LITTLE FOR A LONG TIME OR RUINING THINGS A LOT FOR A SHORT TIME.  MITZI RED AND BROWN M&MS.  THEY'RE DEAD TO ME.  I FELT SAD UNTIL I REMEMBERED I DON'T HAVE TO BE ANYWHERE ANY WHEN.

I'M FREE.  FREE FROM RESPONSIBILITY TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS.

I WENT TO DOLLAR TREES HAVEN'T FOUND ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS.  OH, WELL. 

SO MUCH

I WANT TO DO AND BE.  SIMPLE MUNDANE.  CLEANING HOUSE, YARD, DOING LAUNDRY.

I FILLED TANK WENT ARQUES 24.  TOOK MY TIME.  LOVELY.  WENT TO SENIORS 9;30.  PLENTY OF PARKING. 

I PUZZLED.  ART GAVE ME LITTLE BAG OF TREATS AND GERDA A TIN OF BUTTER COOKIES. 

I'VE BEEN LOOKING HAVEN'T FOUND ANYTHING YET.  CANDY IS CHEAP AND EASY.

OK DAY

LOTS OF AVAILABLE PARKING.  POOLS CLOSED.  SHOWERS CLOSED TOMORROW.  I CAN GET GAS AND GO TO 24 HOUR. 

I NU STEPPED HALF AN HOUR.  I COULD FEEL IT IN MY KNEES.  I DECIDED NOT TO READ AND FOCUSED ON ALIGNMENT.  I PUZZLED TO MY HEART'S CONTENT.  LUNCH WAS OK.  I ORDERED SANDWICH AND GOT THE CHINESE REAL CHICKEN SALAD FOR EXTRA.  INGE GOT ME FISH I GAVE TO ALEX.  SCHLUB GETS ONE FREE.  LIKE ART.  HE'S PICKED UP.

DO NOTHING DAY

I'M LEARNING WHAT I LIKE AND WANT.  MY LIFE HAS BEEN WHAT I DON'T WANT, AVOIDING PAIN, PUTTING UP WITH PEOPLE I DON'T LIKE.

DOOMED BY PEOPLE PULLING ME DOWN.  DRAGGING ME INTO THE MUCK BECAUSE THEY DON'T BELIEVE THEY DESERVE BETTER AND NO ONE ELSE SHOULD EITHER.  THEIR POWER IS IN THE BELIEF PEOPLE GIVE THEM.  ENERGY.  FOCUS.

I STAYED IN BED.  SO DIFFERENT FROM WHEN I WAS SICK FOR 8 YEARS.  RE FRAMING THE PAST. 

TRUST

I DON'T EXPECT PEOPLE TO COME THROUGH FOR ME AND THEY DON'T DISAPPOINT.  I JUST LEAVE. 

I'M THE ONE WHO SUPPORTS AND GOD SUPPORTS ME.

BOUGHT A RUG

IT WAS GREAT BACK TO NORMAL GERDA, INGE, MAURICE, ART. 

I DROVE TO CAMPBELL LIBRARY FOR 5 DVD.  I CHECKED PANERA LOCATIONS AND WENT TO BBB ALSO ON HAMILTON.  STOPPED AT SALVATION FOUND TWO SHIRTS AND LONG RUNNER CARPET.  CAME HOME WITH MY FREE CHERRY BRITTANY AND CHICKEN ALMOND APPLE SALAD SANDWICH,  DELICIOUS. 

GINNY TOLD ME ST JUSTIN WAS LAST SUNDAY LIKE I CARE AND SHE AVOIDED TELLING ME TUESDAY.  IT'S ON HER.  THEY'RE NOT FRIENDS AND THAT'S GREAT.  NONE OF THEM GET ME.  AND I HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THEM.  THEY'VE HAD 10 YEARS. 

FEELING 12/12 THUR.

SO GOOD.  I'M RESTING.

I SLEPT AND WOKE FROM 10 TO 6 WATCHING DVD.  FEELING TIRED I STILL SWAM AN HOUR.  GLENN WAS FEELING GUILTY EATING PIZZA YESTERDAY.  HE WOULDN'T LOOK ME IN THE EYE.  SUMI AND HARRY WERE THERE.  ROSE SHOWED UP.  SHE WAS QUIET AT LUNCH.  GERDA WAS GAMBLING AND INGE WENT TO LUNCH WITH MAURICE.  ALL THEY DO IS GOSSIP.

ROSE AND ELSIE DISRESPECT ME AND I WON'T BE INTIMIDATED.

I HAD 2 NEW DVD REQUESTS I PICKED UP AT CENTRAL.  I WATCHED THE FAREWELL.  SEEING PEOPLE WHO LOOK LIKE ME IS HEALING.  IT'S GOOD TO FEEL LIKE I EXIST.

book mobile day

i exercised early.  there should be an automatic capital after a period and two spaces.  oh, well.  su gave me one of her old blk/ gry dried food sweater with a red fibers xxl sticker on it.  like i wouldn't notice.  maybe someone else not me.  my sister.  the best part was the plastic bag.  but it stank up the car.  i put all in trunk.

gerda went to the dr. yesterday with copd.  she wants to go gambling tomorrow.  i re suggested chamomile.  horse to water.  i'm letting it go.  gerda gave me her fish.  i offered oranges i gave to helen.  elsie and rose wanted no way.

OUTSIDE SENIORS

I'M HAVING A DIFFERENT DAY.  I EXERCISED 9 TO MISS THE DOWNERS.  THEN I PUZZLED AND HAD A GOOD LUNCH BEANS, SLAW, MEAT W/ POTATOES, CORN TORTILLA.  THEN CATHY ASKED IF I WANTED 4 CASES WATER FROM COSTCO.  I WONDER WHY SHE DIDN'T RETURN IT.  THEN SHE ASKED FOR A RIDE HOME.  I TOLD HER I COULD CLEAR THE BACK SEAT.  SHE DECLINED SAYING SHE'D WALK THE 2 BLOCKS.  I WENT BACK TO MY TABLE ASKING IF ANYONE WANTED SOME.  INGE SAID SHE'D TAKE A CASE AND GIVE CATHY A RIDE TWO BLOCKS TO HER TRIPLEX.  HOW PERFECT.  SHE CAN GET HER OWN WATER.  I DON'T HAVE TO COME BACK TO SENIORS TO DROP IT OFF.

I CAME HOME EARLY TO EMPTY THE CAR OF THE CASES.  A PERFECT DAY.

I REMEMBERED TO PAY CITIBANK HALFORD DESPITE THE DISTRACTIONS.  I'M MYSELF ONCE MORE.  THE CAPABLE ME TAKES CARE OF EVERYTHING BEAUTIFULLY.

found sound buttons

I KEEP FORGETTING.  THERE'S A MUTE,  INCREASE, VOLUME BUTTON AT THE TOP. 

THIS KEYBOARD TYPING IS 75% RIGHT HAND BECAUSE OF ALL THE BUTTONS. I DON'T USE MY INDEX AS MUCH.  SO I KNOW TO BALANCE USE.  RIGHT ARM SHOULDER TOO.

TYPICAL TOM SAID HIS PASSPORT RENEWAL COST $16.  THAT WAS THE COST OF PHOTO.  HE FILLED OUT A NEW APPLICATION-BEIGE WHILE THE RENEWAL FORM-BLUE ISN'T ALLOWED IN PO.  RENEWAL IS MAIL ONLY NO EXCEPTIONS.  $110 CHECK OR MONEY ORDER PAY TO US DEPT OF STATE.  AND POSTAGE EXTRA.  TRACKING EXTRA RECOMMENDED.  ODD SIZE MAILING EXTRA.  PHOTO GOOD 6 MONTHS.  I'LL WAIT. 

 I DROVE OUT AGAIN.  NORTH SIDE WEIRD.  TOMORROW SUPPOSED TO RAIN I WENT TODAY. 

10-5

I WISH I KNEW WHAT I DID.  TO SLEEP STRAIGHT THROUGH IS A MYSTERY. 

all things considered

i just like the title.  i'm feeling tired.  the grand slam breakfast at 5 pm was a little late in the day for me.

I MADE TURKEY MARMALADE SANDWICH, BOUGHT CHIPS $STORE ONLY HAD ONE.  SPROUTS HAS 1 FOR/3 SALE KETTLE CHIPS.

TODAY WAS SANTA'S PANCAKE BREAKFAST.  15 FAMILIES CANCELLED SO JOANNE INVITED ME FOR PANCAKES AND LINKS.  I EXERCISED AND DECIDED TO GO TO SPROUTS AND CENTRAL.  FOUND TWO CENTS, READ THE PAPER.  COULDN'T FIND YESTERDAYS.  I ATE PANCAKE AND CHIPS FOR LUNCH WHILE CHARGING THE CHROME AND PHONE.  FOUND MEGHAN MARKLE'S PRINCESS COLLECTION DVD. 

CAME HOME RESTED AND RELAXED AT 5.    ATE A SLICE OF FREE PIZZA AND WANTED APRICOTS.  I HAD CANNED PEACHES TASTED SO GOOD. 

LUCID DREAM-PROSPERITY

I VISITED WILLIAM IN HIS BUNGALOW IN HEAVEN.  DIFFERENT THAN ERIC'S HEAVEN.  I FOUND A MAGAZINE WITH A PHOTO OF THE UNFINISHED PAISLEY LATCH HOOK RUG I DONATED COMPLETED WITH A RED AND BLUE SEQUIN FISH IN THE MIDDLE.  HE'S WELL.

6;50 AT SENIORS IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.  CLOUDS AND SUN.   YESTERDAY WAS SALMON AND TURQUOISE SKIES.  TODAY ALL GRAYS.

LOVELY.

I'VE BEEN AWAKE SINCE 3.  THE BBQ RIBS I HAD FOR DINNER SO MUCH ENERGY.  I LIKE WATCHING DVD AND EATING AT LEISURE.  I MADE OATMEAL WITH HAM SLICES ON TOP.

I HAD THE BEST DAY.  WALTER REMEMBERED AND SPENT THE DAY AT SENIORS.  HE GOT ME A PASSPORT APPOINTMENT.  TOM CALLED SINGING AND SAID HE DID WALK IN AGNEW PO AT STAMP DESK.  NEVER OCCURRED TO ME.  4:30 DUE TO WALTER'S SUGGESTION I WENT TO ROUND TABLE AND DENNY'S FOR FREEBIES.  DELICIOUS.

I RECHARGED CHROME IN GYM AND WHEN I OPENED TO CHECK PROGRESS INTERRUPTED CONNECTION WIPING ALL SETTINGS. 

I'M BACK.

LOOKING FORWARD.

I MAY BE FEELING MANIC.  I FEEL GOOD.  I WOKE FEELING SORE WITH A STOMACH ACHE.  I DID A LOT OF DRIVING AND WALKING YESTERDAY, ATE THE BOURBON BREAD PUDDING 3 PM.  AFTER OATMEAL I FEEL GREAT.

TODAY COUNTY LIBRARY.  ON THE WEBSITE IT SAYS NO LATE FINES OVER 65.  WOO HOO!

THE TURMERIC IS WORKING.  I DRANK THE PROTEIN SHAKE BEFORE SWIMMING AND REALIZED I DON'T HAVE MIDDLE CHILD SYNDROME BECAUSE GRANDMA TOOK CARE OF ME FIRST TWO YEARS AND UNTIL WE CAME HERE WHEN I WAS 4 I WAS EVERYBODY'S DARLING.  AT 8 I BECAME RESPONSIBLE FOR COOKING AND CLEANING AND REALIZED I BECAME CINDERELLA.  I WAS ISOLATED AND HAD TO BE STRONGER AND SMARTER THAN THE FOUR.

ST NICHOLAS DAY TOMORROW I HAVE FERRARO ROCHER CANDY.  MAYBE I'LL TAKE RASPBERRY COOKIES.

i want a world of respect

I'M TIRED OF FIGHTING.

WALTER SHOWED UP AND I GAVE HIM THE LOCOMOTIVE.  HE'S OBSESSING OVER HIS RENTING PAPERS.  THE CONTRACTS ARE IN SENIOR'S NAME. 

I LEFT AT 1;30 FOR VITALITY MEDICARE TO HEAR ABOUT THEIR BENEFITS AT 3 FLAMES.  HOUR AND HALF.  ONLY TWO YEARS EXISTING.  I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.  WE HAD DRINKS AND DESSERT.  I HAD BOURBON BREAD PUDDING W/ SCOOP VANILLA/WHIP CREAM. 

I DIDN'T FIND ANYTHING AT GOODWILL.  I'LL CHECK LOCAL.  THEY HAD $6 LEGGINGS.  PYREX PIE PLATE I MAY BE ABLE TO USE IN MICROWAVE BOTTOM.

I FOUND MY LITTLE PURPLE BAG.  I HAD PUT IT BACK IN MY GYM ROLLY. 

FREE TO BE ME

I SPENT THE MORNING FINISHING SECOND HALF OF PUZZLE.  AFTER LUNCH I SWAM AND STRETCHED.  WHILE GETTING DRESSED IN THE LOCKER ROOM I WAS SITTING PUTTING ON MY BOOTS.  WHITE EUROPEAN OLDER WOMAN COMES IN ASKING AND EXPECTING ME TO MOVE SO SHE'S CLOSER TO HER LOCKER.  MY LOCKER WAS IN FRONT OF ME AND SHE WANTED ME TO MOVE TO THE FAR SIDE IF THE BENCH.  I TOLD HER SHE CAN USE THAT SIDE.  THE OTHER BENCH WAS EMPTY.  JUST THE TWO OF US. 

SHE SAYS CAN'T I DO HER A LITTLE FAVOR.  I SAID NO.  SHE SAYS I DON'T OWN THE BENCH I MUST MOVE.  I SAID SHE DOESN'T OWN IT EITHER SHE CAN USE THE OTHER HALF.  SHE SAYS SHE'S NEVER BEEN TREATED SO RUDELY IN HER LIFE.  I SAID I CAN'T IMAGINE THAT WHEN SHE COMES IN A WHITE WOMAN EXPECTING THE REST OF THE WORLD TO REVOLVE AROUND HER.  I'VE BEEN TREATED RUDELY BY WHITE PEOPLE MANY TIMES.  SHE'S NOT SPECIAL OR USUAL.  PEOPLE ARE COMING IN AND SHE HAS TO POSTURE HER SUPERIORITY.  SHE SAYS I'M USING THE ENTIRE BENCH WHEN ANOTHER WOMAN COMES IN AND USES THE OTHER HALF.  SHE TELLS ME TO STOP TALKING I TELL HER HER FIRST SHE STARTED IT.  SHE CONTINUES COMPLAINING I'M RUDE I TELL HER IT'S HER.  SHE NEEDS TO STOP TALKING FIRST.  SHE SAYS SHE'S NOT TALKING.  JESSICA COMES IN ASKING WHAT'S GOING ON.  SHE DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING.  JESSICA SAYS ANYONE CAN COME TALK TO HER AND LEAVES. 

BULLY SNEAKS OUT THE BACK GOES TO JESSICA'S OFFICE.  I STAND OUTSIDE WAITING FOR HER TO FINISH.  I TELL JESSICA HOW SHE UNREASONABLY EXPECTED ME TO BACK DOWN TO HER DEMANDS COUCHED IN FAKE RESPECT.  SHE'S NOT THE FIRST WHITE WOMAN TO FIGURE ASIAN WOMEN AREN'T EQUAL.  JESSICA SAID SHE GOT THE PICTURE AND SOME PEOPLE JUST CAN'T BE REASONABLE..  SHE APOLOGIZED THAT AFTER MY WORKOUT I COULDN'T JUST ENJOY IT BECAUSE OF THE TROUBLE MAKER.  I THANKED HER.

I HUNG OUT 'TIL 4:30 READING THE PAPER.  THE AFTERNOON WAS CLOUDY AND DRY LOVELY. 

4 AM

I GET TO DO WHAT I WANT.  I WANT TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT.  THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE IN MY FAMILY.

I HAVE TO REMEMBER ERIC IN HAPPY TIMES.  I STILL BELIEVE HE DESERVED TO BE HAPPIER.  HE DIED HIS FATHER'S DEATH.  CANCER.  WE BOTH HAD DADS NAMED FRANK.

SENIORS STEADY RAIN.  IT'S SUPPOSED TO CONTINUE ALL WEEK.  GLOBAL WARMING MORE GLACIER MELT DOWN.

BEAUTIFUL.  I CALLED CARLOS 2 PM AND IT WAS FINISHED, DIDN'T NEED DIAGNOSTIC.  HE CHECKED EVERYTHING CHANGED SYNTHETIC OIL FILTER $45, LABOR $100, AIR TIRES PLUS TAX $153 TOTAL.  ON DISCOVER POINTS.  CARLOS' FRIEND VICTOR DROVE THEM  TO SENIORS.  SO CONVENIENT. 

I PUZZLED 'TIL 5.  HEAVENLY.  I MADE AND ATE LINGUINE WITH THE BEST SAUCE OLIVES MUSHROOM. 

9-5

I'M WATCHING 'MOM'.  I LEARN EVERYTHING GOOD FROM TV.  I'M A MIRACLE I'VE SURVIVED AS SANE AS I AM.  MY SISTERS CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES AND THEIR SURVIVAL.  MAYBE THAT'S BETTER FOR THEM TO ONLY CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES.  MY PARENTS TAUGHT THEM THAT AND MAYBE IF THEY'D LOVED ME I'D HAVE LEARNED TO LOVE MYSELF.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE.

WE ARE OUR OBSERVATIONS.  I'M TERRIFIED.

I STARTED LISTENING TO SECRET CD AGAIN.  IF I'M FEELING TERRIFIED I MAY AS WELL GIVE MYSELF A REASON.  I CAN FEEL IT WORKING ON ME. 

I WENT TO G2 IN THE RAIN 2;30, I CHECKED $TORE AND WAS HOME BY 4;30.  I MADE LINGUINI AND HOT DOGS WITH THE BEST SAUCE; RIPE OLIVE CHUNKY. 

MOM

WATCHING TV HAS ALWAYS SHOWN ME A DIFFERENT REALITY.  PEOPLE WHO LOVE EACH OTHER.  MY MOM CONSTANTLY THREATENED ME 'I'LL KILL YOU'.  SHE CAME AT ME WITH SHEARS, BURNED ME, HIT, SLAPPED ME.

SHE TAUGHT ME TO HATE MYSELF.  IT'S SO DEEPLY HURTING.  STILL.

I'M HERE TO HEAL.

I TOOK MY SORE TIRED BODY TO $STORE AND ON TO SENIORS.  SO MANY ARE THERE FOR THE POSTURING.  WASTE OF ENERGY AND RESOURCES.  HOT TUB DID THE TRICK.

I DECIDED TO CHECK IN AND OUT CHROME AT MISSION.  I DON'T HAVE TO DO IT TOMORROW AT CENTRAL.  EASIER PARKING, SMALLER VENUE, PERSONAL LIBRARIAN.  ON TO CHASE.  I CONSIDERED STAR ONE AND DECIDED BECAUSE OF RAIN I'LL WAIT BUT CARLOS HAS MY CAR MONDAY FOR MAINTENANCE.  HMM...

I READ THE NEWSPAPER AND SAW 'IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE' 8 PM CHANNEL 11.  I LOOKED ALL OVER FOR COPY AND FINALLY FOUND IT.  I ALSO FOUND 'IT WAS A WONDERFUL LIFE' DOCUMENTARY 1992 ON INVISIBLE HOMELESS WOMEN.  USED AND ABANDONED BY A SYSTEM SEEING THEM AS WORTHLESS.  LIKE ME SINCE I GOT SICK.  I'M GETTING HEALTHIER,  MAYBE I WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND LOU KILLED HERSELF AND THE PRODUCERS NOT HELPING THESE WOMEN WITHOUT WHOM THERE WOULDN'T BE A MOVIE.  WHAT GIVES?  THEY COULDN'T HELP THEM WITH SOME COMMUNAL HOUSING.

I DON'T GET IT.  NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.

SO I DROVE TO STAR ONE AND BACK TO LIBRARY.  NEW BEHAVIOR.  WITH GOD EVERYTHING IS LIGHT; TRAFFIC, WEATHER.

 

UP SINCE 4

FLASHING BACK TO 1160 LAWRENCE STA RD.  IT WAS JUST AS COLD AS NOW.  IT SNOWED.

THAT'S WHERE AND WHEN MY BODY BECAME LOCKED.  MOM'S VIOLENCE.  COOKING CLEANING FOR THE FAMILY.  SO MANY LIES.  CONSTANTLY SCAPEGOATED.  ALCOHOLIC WAIPAHU UNCLE VISITING, FOLLOWING THE FAMILY TRADITION.  MOM'S SHINTO SHRINE.  ONLY ME BEING BURNED WITH INCENSE TO EXPIATE THE FAMILY SINS.  GOING OUT OF BODY.

MOM AND DAD CONTINUED BEING KIDS WITH ME BEING THE FIELD HAND.  I WASN'T HIRED I NEVER GOT PAID.  AILEEN AND MITZI GOT MONEY FOR NOTHING.

WE GREW UP IN THAT HOUSE.  ALL OF US.  I HAVE FEW HAPPY MEMORIES AND MANY HORRIBLE TRAUMATIC ONES.  I JUST WANTED TO DISAPPEAR.  GOING OUT OF BODY WAS THE NEXT BEST THING.

IT'S TAKEN YEARS TO EXPERIENCE THE PAIN IN FREAKING DOSES TO REMAIN IN BODY.  I'M SO READY TO DIE.  I'M LIVING FOR GOD.  NOT DONE WITH ME YET.

I'M THANKFUL

I HAVE PEACE AND COMFORT.  MY CHAOTIC CHILDHOOD I WANTED PEACE AND COMFORT.  I NEVER SPECIFIED MORE.  I WAS A CHILD.

THAT CHILD HAS CREATED AN EXTERNAL CHAOS TO MIRROR BALANCE THE INTERNAL CHAOS OF MY CHILDHOOD.  GETTING IT OUT OF ME INTO THE WORLD TO RELEASE.

I'VE BEEN AWAKE SINCE 4;30.  I'M WATCHING FIRST SEASON OF MEDIUM.  I GUESS I NEVER REALLY PAID ATTENTION IN 2005.  I WAS STILL BEDRIDDEN.  IT'S BEEN SYNDICATED AND I WATCH ON TV SOMETIMES.  I'VE NEVER BEEN ALONE EITHER.

I GOT THE DVD FROM COUNTY LIBRARY FOR BINGE WATCHING THIS WEEKEND.  I HAVE 'TIL NEXT MONDAY.

i went to exercise 10;30.  unheard of.  i didn't hurt.  miracle.  left 24 hour noon and parked 2 blocks at library.  short line inside.  i saw walter and sat with him.  cathy was there and thanked me for only card.  stayed 'til 2 and car rallied to 1st.  better potatoes.  all white attitude.  i noticed mini eric homeless.  came home 4;30. 

I'M FEELING RATHER GOOD.  ST CLARE BETTER FOOD & PEOPLE.  i thought of calling villa serena didn't.  not time yet.

I'VE NEVER HAD A VISION

I'VE NEVER BEEN ALLOWED TO HAVE ANYTHING I WANTED.  I NEVER VISUALIZED WHAT I DESERVED BECAUSE MY FAMILY CRUSHED MY DREAMS.

MY FOCUS MUST BE WHAT I WANT TO SEE, FEEL, TASTE AND LIVE.  FOCUS AND VISION ARE WHAT I NEED.

I WANT TO FEEL HAPPY.  I HAVE TO REMEMBER FUN TIMES.

HORSE DREAM

I WATCHED TV 'TIL 10 FELL ASLEEP 11 WOKE 11:15 DREAM OF HORSE IN FAMILY ROOM.  I CALM HORSE AND IT REGRESSES TO MINI FILLY I PICK UP AND COMFORT.  I HAVE OLDER CAPABLE WOMAN HELPING ME.

TOOK TRIAL RUN AGNEW P O BY APPOINTMENT ONLY.  I'LL TRY.  HOME BY 3.  TOOK HALF HOUR DRIVE.  JUST AS I CAME HOME IT STARTED TO RAIN.  AND IT'S SO DARK.

I just spent 2 hours trying to fill out renewal application and setting an appointment and zero zippo.

what i want

ALL I EVER WANTED IS PEACE AND RESPECT.  THE HOME WAS CHAOS 24/7.  NOW I'M BUILDING PEACE.  FOR ME.  THAT'S A BIG ENOUGH JOB FOR ME.  CONSIDERING MY HISTORY GIGANTIC.

CAR MAINTENANCE LIGHTS FOR TIRE AND ENGINE CAME ON I'M PEACE FILLED.  NOT JOY DAILY WORD I ACCEPT IT.  40 DEGREE COLD.  I LIKE IT CAR DOESN'T.

I WANT A WORLD OF PEOPLE DOING GOOD BECAUSE IT MAKES THEM FEEL GOOD.
A WORLD OF PEOPLE DOING THE RIGHT THING.  A SIMPLE WORLD.

I MISS ERIC.  MAYBE WHEN I REMEMBER THE HAPPY TIMES I'LL STOP FEELING SAD.  AND HE'S HAPPY NOW WITH HIS DAD.

SCHEDULED SYNTHETIC OIL CHANGE AND DIAGNOSTIC/CARLOS MONDAY 9.

I WANTED SMOKES WALGREEN'S AND REMEMBERED PASSPORT PHOTO.  HUZZAH!!

O-O-O-ORINDA

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE DREAM MEANS.  MAYBE NOTHING.

I'M FEELING SAD.  MOM AND DAD TRIED TO RUN AWAY FROM IT.  THAT'S WHAT THEY TAUGHT ME.  IT DOESN'T WORK.

ADDICTION IS ALL ABOUT TRYING TO CONTROL AND AVOID FEELINGS.  BY FEELING THE FEELINGS THEY EVAPORATE, DISSIPATE, DISAPPEAR.  WIPE THE SLATE CLEAN.

GOOGLED ORINDA.  NAMED FOR KATHERINE PHILLIPS 1 JAN 1631-22 JUN 1664.  'THE MATCHLESS ORINDA.'  WIKIPEDIA 'THE IDEAL FEMALE WRITER VIRTUOUS, PROPER CHASTE.'  NO CONSENSUS ON MEANING.  GOLD OR TREES.

OFTEN COMPARED TO APHRA BEHN 14 DEC 1640-16 APR 1689.  WHO SEEMED TO HAVE MORE FUN.

 MY LIFE WAS A LIVING HORROR TRAGEDY TOTALLY CREATED BY PEOPLE IN DENIAL.  THE FASCINATION WITH FRANKENSTEIN.  MAN MADE MONSTERS.

I DESERVE MORE FUN.  NO EXERCISE. 

LUCKY'S IS 3 X POINTS SO PICK UP LUNCH AT SARATOGA.  WHAT WAS I THINKING PAYING $8/LB.  I GOT ROAST TURKEY AND HAM.  $3.20 NOT MUCH.  MIX VEG .99.  I MADE NOODLE SOUP TURKEY AND VEG SOUP HAM. 

DREAD

TOM IS FAMILY.  ARGUING LIKE DAD ALL THE TIME.  DISAGREEABLE.  YET HE'S MOM TOO.  QUEEN OF DENIAL.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.  DENYING HIM IS REJECTING MY FAMILY.  GIVES ME A STOMACH ACHE.

TOM WANTED TO KNOW WHAT I THOUGHT OF DEANA.  LIKE VICTORIA, DR DEBBIE, ETC.  I FEEL SORRY FOR HER.  LET'S SEE HOW LONG SHE LASTS.  HE LIED TO ME ON OUR FIRST 'DATE'.  HE KNEW I WANTED A LIFE PARTNER.  FIRST DATE HE TALKED OF MARRIAGE, SETTLING DOWN.  CHEATER, LIAR.  NOW I KNOW HIS TALENT IS DECEPTION NOT MUSIC.

I HAD A NICE PANERA LUNCH AND GAVE HIM THE PEET'S CARD.  DONE AND DONE.

RECYCLE

HE COUNTED CANS.  +BOTTLES, 3 GLASS $7.  HURRAH!!  AND I FOUND BRIGHT SHINY HEAD UP PENNY.  GOING WAS SO EASY.  GOING WITH THE FLOW IS EFFORTLESS EASY.

I TOOK CALM CHILD AND HAD WEIRD DREAMS.  PAMPLEMOUSSE,  MY DOUBLE GLASS MUG, WEIRD WAVES OF ENERGY RADIATING FROM MY SPINE.

AN OK DAY.  I GOT READY TO GO TO CAMPBELL WHEN I REALIZED I BINGE WATCHED THE FINAL SEASON NOT 6 AND LEFT IT HOME.  I DROPPED OFF MASH LEFT OVER TOOK MY TIME.  NEXT DOOR PARKED MY SPACE SO I PARKED IN FRONT MAKING THEM REVERSE.  AN ADVENTURE DRIVING 5 PM.  I WENT TO CUPERTINO THE BACK WAY AND AVOIDED TRAFFIC.  MUCH LOVELIER DRIVE THAN CAMPBELL.   

eh

I'M TIRED OF SLEEPING LIKE A BABY, WAKING EVERY 2 HOURS TERRIFIED.

I'M FEELING SO UPSET WATCHING MEDIUM 6 FEELS LIKE RELIEF.  TO HAVE A REASON TO FEEL UPSET.  TOM IS SO TIED TO THE MEMORIES OF MY TRAGIC FAMILY.  HIS OWN NOT MUCH HEALTHIER.  BUT HE'S MUCH MORE IN DENIAL.

HE NEVER LISTENS TO ME AND DENIES MY FEELINGS BECAUSE HE'S DENYING HIMSELF.  HOW CAN ANYONE BE HAPPY WITHOUT BEING COMPLETE.  DENIAL ALWAYS FAILS LONG TERM.  LYING TO ONESELF WILL POP UP IN HEALTH.  THE BODY WORKS TO HEAL THE SPIRIT.  SPIRIT IS THE ONLY THING THAT WE HAVE FOREVER.

DENIAL SABOTAGES RELATIONSHIPS.  HIS DENYING ME AND MY FEELINGS.

OH, WELL.

GERDA GAVE ME HER OLD PURPLE LANDS END SWEATER VEST.  NICE MATERIAL.  NEEDS WASH.

TOM CALLED ME AT 3 TO TELL ME ALL ABOUT HIS DENTIST VISIT AND TO POSTPONE AGAIN.  LUNCH NOON SATURDAY SENIORS.  TYPICAL.

FEELING SHAKY

WOKE AT 3 WATCHED BIRDS 2.  I'M BEHIND ON MOVIES.  I HAVE PORTABLE PLAYER.

I COULDN'T WATCH 2 ON PORTABLE BECAUSE OF PARENTAL BLOCK.  AND GOD PROVIDED 25 WORD SEARCH BOOKS.  2 WHEEL OF FORTUNE.  WOW WOW WOW.  I WATCHED HOBBS SHAW ON UPSTAIRS COMPUTER.  I WENT TO CENTRAL TO PICK UP DVD REQUEST AND WATCHED. 

I GOT HOME MAIL HAD DISCOVER.  DUE TOMORROW.  I CALLED TO PAY AND STAR ONE DIDN'T GO THROUGH SO I CALLED CUSTOMER SUPPORT AND DONNA HELPED ME 6 PM.  WHEW. 

TOMAS CALLED TO POSTPONE.  NO SURPRISE THERE.  PHONE POLICE OLD MAN ON LAPTOP WEARING BACKWARD BASEBALL CAP.  WHAT A JERK.  IRRITATING.

WALTER SHOWED UP 11 DROPPING OFF GROCERIES COLLECTION.  GAVE ME SWISS MISS HOT COCOA MIX.  WHAT I DAY.  WE VISITED FOR 2 HOURS.  HE WENT THROUGH THE SAME PAIN FILLED EXPERIENCE.  HE'S GOING THROUGH THE SAME LOSS OF DIRECTION.

MY PURPOSE

MOST PEOPLE ARE USERS.  THEY USE THE EARTH LIKE ANIMALS.  WE'RE HERE TO TAKE CARE OF THE PLANET.  TO BE EARTH STEWARDS.  STU. STEW.

MOM CALLED ME STUPID.  AILEEN CALLED ME STU.  I'M AN EARTH STEWARD.  DANAAN PARRY.

ED ZERBE TOOK ME WITH HIM AS GOOD LUCK CHARM.  HE WAS WORKING ON GETTING A HANDLE ON PSYCHIC STUFF.  I TOLD HIM THERE'S ALWAYS A PRICE.  TERRY FROM ROSICRUCIANS PAID BY CONTRACTING AIDS.  HE TOOK ME TO RAINBOW BRIDGE A METAPHYSICAL BOOKSTORE ON BLOSSOM HILL ROAD SAN JOSE.

I DECIDED NOT TO BUY ANY MORE BOOKS AFTER MOVING 25 BOXES 3 TIMES IN 2 YEARS WHEN DANAAN PARRY'S BOOK JUMPED OFF THE SHELF.  I READ IT AND LATER ROSE AT FIRST CHURCH OF RELIGIOUS SCIENCE (FOUNDED BY DR SCOTT STEP FATHER TO COCO DOLENZ HEISELMAN AND MICKEY DOLENZ OF THE MONKEYS) TOOK ME TO AN EARTH STEWARDS MEETING IN OAKLAND AT ESTUARY PARK.  THEY HAD AN EXCHANGE PROGRAM WITH RUSSIAN PRIVATE CITIZENS.  I HAD DREAMED OF HALF DOZEN OF THE GROUP AND THEY RECOGNIZED ME.  THIS WAS SHORTLY BEFORE THE BERLIN WALL CAME DOWN.  THAT'S WHAT THEY DO CONFLICT RESOLUTION.

I JUST WANT TO RECYCLE AND RESPECT THE PLANET.

new energy

I'M WEARING MY NEW BRACELETS.  I HAVE WONDER WOMAN ON MY MIND.  A NEW WONDER WOMAN.

I DON'T KNOW.  NEW TERRITORY.

I COOKED THE CHICKEN.  LUNCH I ORDERED A ROAST BEEF SANDWICH THAT WEREN'T SENT SO I ATE THE PAPRIKA CHICKEN, BROWN RICE, MIXED VEGGIES.  I BROUGHT HOME RICE AND VEGGIES.  CHICKEN AND CHEESE ARE NOT THE BEST COMBINATION BUT OK.

MISTAKES

THE MESS IS ABOUT FORGIVING MYSELF.   I LEARNED TO SCOLD MYSELF FOR EVERY LITTLE MISTAKE.  I COULD NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT ACCORDING TO MY FAMILY.  'OH, SUE......'

NOW NONE OF IT MATTERS.  THE HOUSE IS A WRECK AND THE WORLD HASN'T ENDED.  IT WAS ALL SILLINESS.

I'M STILL ALIVE.

DID MY SUNDAY MORNING ROUTINE.  THE LAP POOL 82 FELT PERFECT.  I GOT MY FREE OLIVE HUMMUS LUCKY'S, 2 ASPARAGUS CHICKEN WRAP AND ICEBERG LETTUCE.  HOME EARLY PUT EVERYTHING AWAY.  HUNGRY I DRANK TURMERIC CHOCOLATE PROTEIN.

STILL FEELING 20 YEARS OF SAD.  LONGER ACTUALLY CONSIDERING MARRIAGE HELL.  1972.  AND MY CHILDHOOD.  MAYBE MY ENTIRE LIFE WITH BRIEF FLASHES OF BLISS.

ST JUSTIN'S WAS AMAZING.  LUNCH WAS OK.  LASAGNA, GARLIC BREAD, CESAR SALAD.  I GOT THERE 12;30 AND WAS TOLD OF THE CHRISTMAS SALE IN THE BIG HALL.  JOHN AND MARTHA WERE THERE SELLING HEMATITE JEWELRY BRACELETS $1 EACH OR 12 FOR $10.  HALF OFF LAST DAY OF SALE.  I ASKED JOHN IF I COULD GET A BAKER'S DOZEN AND GOT 13.  3 ARE DOUBLE AND I WEAR THEM LIKE WONDER WOMAN. 

HAPPIEST BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

torture

SMOKING IS SELF MEDICATION.  I WAS FEELING TORTURED AND ONE PUFF IT'S GONE.  I WAS FEELING SAD, FRUSTRATED, TORMENTED BY THE PAST BEATEN IN MY BODY AND WITH ONE PUFF IT SEEMS TO BE GONE.

I WOKE AT 2 AND 3.  WHILE WATCHING 1936 TOPPER, TV BEING THE ONLY FAMILY I EVER HAD I STARTED CLEARING THE EMOTIONS I DENIED FOR MENTAL SURVIVAL.  I'M FEELING THE WEAKNESS, HUMILIATION, PAIN AND SUFFERING OF MY CHILDHOOD.  BEATEN AND BLAMED BY MY FAMILY.  SCAPEGOATED.  AND EVERY RELATIONSHIP A COPY OF MY CHILDHOOD, ALL I'VE EVER KNOWN.

I'M CLEARING THE OLD BAD FEELINGS TO EMBRACE HEAVEN.

I MAY NOT BE AN INTROVERT; I MAY HAVE DEVELOPED HABITS OF AVOIDING TOXIC PEOPLE.  MY FAMILY.  I DIDN'T HAVE ANY OTHER EXPERIENCE.  I WAS ISOLATED FROM OTHER PEOPLE, NOT ALLOWED TO INTERACT WITH ANYONE OUTSIDE.  AS I SPEND TIME WITH ALL SENIORS I'M CHANGING.

I CAN FIND HEALING PEOPLE.

IF NOT FOR THE EYE EXAM AND MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE I WOULDN'T HAVE EXAMINED AND RESOLVED THOSE ISSUES.

frustration

TODAY'S SILENT UNITY DAILY WORD SERENITY I'M NOT FEELING.  PASSWORD PROBLEMS.  AND CERTIFICATE.  I'VE DECIDED I'LL HUNT FOR THE BUILDING WEEKEND WHEN THEY'RE CLOSED.  MAYBE THIS MAYBE NEXT MAYBE NEVER.  I ONLY NEED IT FOR REAL ID OR PASSPORT.

I'M FEELING THE EX MARRIAGE.  I WAS SO TRAUMATIZED STILL AM MY STOMACH ACHES.  AND THE HOOPS I'M JUMPING THROUGH ARE SIMPLY A CONTINUATION OF UNFINISHED BUSINESS.  AND THE $ I'M LIVING ON IS DIVORCE SETTLEMENT. 

sabotage

I THINK I KNOW WHO BOXED THE PUZZLE I STARTED YESTERDAY.  NOT RELATED TO ME HURRAH!!

MAURICE IS FILLING ME WITH VEGGIE BITES.  COSTCO HAS FOOD THAT HAS SO MUCH HEALTHY OIL.  IT MAKES YOU SO REGULAR.

10 AM IN THE PARKING LOT.  I CHOOSE NOT TO BE DISTRACTED BY THE NATTERING.  EXERCISE WAS GREAT.  I WENT 7.  LOVELY PEACEFUL 'TIL 830.  I'M CHOOSING NOT TO USE ALL PUNCTUATION.  JUST WHAT I LIKE.

HOW FUN IS THAT.

SOME SENIOR ARE SO LOUD.  GIANT CHILDREN.  SAD THEY HAVEN'T EVOLVED.

disneyland

I WOKE AT 5 BY DREAM OF DISNEYLAND WITH MY PERFECT FAMILY ASKING ME WHAT I WANTED TO RIDE NEXT.

I'M LOVED BUT NOT BY MY FAMILY.

MY EYES STOPPED STINGING NOW THEY FEEL SORE.  MY LASHES STILL FEEL HEAVY.

I DROVE LOOKING FOR THE COUNTY RECORDERS OFFICE.  THE JAIL AND COURT ARE LABELED BUT NOT THE RECORDER.  I''LL CHECK THE MAP.

FEELING SAD AND GRIEVING COMES AND GOES IN WAVES.  THE UNIVERSE IS LIKE AN OCEAN OR SOUP OF LIFE.

I'M DOING AND BEING PROCESSING MY FEELINGS.  E-MOTION.  ENERGY IN MOTION.

FRIGHT

OH. MY BACKSIDE IS SORE.  I SHOWERED AT GYM.  10 MINUTES TO PASS FREMONT HIGH SCHOOL 7;30.   I WAS DONE EYE DOCTOR 9 AM.  WASN'T GOOD WASN'T BAD.  SITTING WAITING IN ROOM FOR CONSULTATION AFTER I CRIED FOR DAD.  I DIDN'T HAVE ANY ENERGY LEFT WHEN HE DIED.  I'VE OFTEN WONDERED WHY I DIDN'T CRY.  HE TOOK SO LONG WITH SO MANY CRISES.

WOMEN ARE MORE USED TO DOCTOR VISITS.  WE START YOUNG.  GO REGULARLY.

9;30 IS THE PERFECT TIME TO ARRIVE SENIORS 4 SPACES.  I GOT TO SENIORS EARLIER AND GOT LAST OPEN SPACE 9;20.  IT WAS OK.

THINKING OF SCOUTING RECORDERS OFFICE I REMIND MYSELF BE GENTLE.  I ALREADY DID FULL DAY FROM 3;30 AM.

NEW FEELING

MY FEAR AND DREAD REGARDING THE EYE APPOINTMENT IS ABOUT DAD'S CATARACT REMOVAL.  I DROVE HIM AND MOM TO KAISER SANTA TERESA.  HE HAD AN ALLERGIC REACTION TO THE TRANQUILIZER.  WE CALL AILEEN AND MITZI.  TOOK THEM 4 HOURS TO REVIVE HIM.  HE SEEMED OK.

I TAKE THEM HOME.  I'M PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED.  ON THE ONE HAND DAD LET ME SLEEP ON THE OTHER HAND HE WAS WARNED NOT TO LEAN FORWARD TO AVOID PRESSURE ON HIS EYE.  SO OF COURSE HE LEANS OVER TO PICK UP THE TV REMOTE FALLS FORWARD HITS HIS EYE ON THE SOFA ARM REST.  INSTEAD OF WAKING ME LIKE HE DID COUNTLESS TIMES FOR A MIDNIGHT CAR RIDE HE WAITS 'TIL THE NEXT MORNING HIS EYE FILLED WITH BLOOD PERMANENTLY BLINDING HIMSELF.

I'M FEELING SO SAD.  I NEVER HAD TIME TO PROCESS GOING FROM ONE CRISIS TO THE NEXT.  NOW MY STOMACH, BACK, EVERYTHING IS RESPONDING.

SAD AND RELIEVED.  COMING AND GOING IN WAVES.  EXHAUSTING

WOWIE-NEW ME

THE PROGRAM WON'T PUBLISH ON THE OLD TAB SO I OPENED A NEW ONE.  I TRANSFERRED THE NEW STUFF BEFORE I REFRESHED THE OLD TABS AND IT TRANSFERRED.  I KEPT EVERYTHING.

I AWOKE 7:30 FROM ANOTHER FITFUL NIGHT REMEMBERING-RECONNECTING MYSELF I NEEDED TO COVER CHECK I WROTE DMV FOR RENEWING MY LICENSE.  I TRANSFERRED MONEY.

IT TOOK ME 2 HOURS AND $.45 TO FILL OUT AND PRINT APPLICATION FOR COPY OF MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE.  NOW I NEED TO GO GET IT DOWNTOWN SAN JOSE.
UGH.

NOON-UNPRECEDENTED.  AT 10 I WENT TO FLORA VISTA WALGREEN'S FOR SMOKES, ZERO.  SO I DROVE THROUGH LAWRENCE SQUARE TO SAY GOODBYE TO THE BOARDED STORES.

I DECIDED NO GYM TODAY.  I DROVE TO WALGREEN'S MARIA PLAYING WITH MY CD S.

$UNNYVALE I LOOKED FOR XMAS PRESENTS NONE YET.  BOUGHT CLEAR WASH, NEW DOUBLE SIDED CAR LOG 'KEEP IT SIMPLE,' PAPER.  I RESCUED 10 WATER BOTTLES AND WATER FROM TRASH.  THEN I DROVE THE BACK WAY TO WENDY'S TO USE 1.99 KIDS MEAL COUPON WAS 2.37+ tax.  38 CENTS.  STILL, I GOT CHOCOLATE MILK, MINI BURGER AND APPLE PIECES.  IT WAS GOOD. 

I DROVE HOME THE BACK WAY.  DOWN THE STREET I FOUND A FREE MULTI DIRECTIONAL BLACK CARRY ON SUITCASE.

MY INNER CHILD HAPPY I REALIZED I WAS RAISED TO BE BOY CHILD.  NO WONDER I GET CONFUSED AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF LITTLE ME.

I GIVE MYSELF SPACE TO MAKE MISTAKES.  I DON'T WANT TO DO.  I WANT TO  BE.

THE ART OF RACING IN THE RAIN

JUST WHAT I NEEDED.  THE STORIES OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.  SOMETHING OF WHICH I HAVE LITTLE EXPERIENCE.

I HAVE MORE LOVE IN MY LIFE FROM STRANGERS THAN MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD.  BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER SO WHAT.  WHAT I KNOW IS THAT MY FAMILY NEVER SHOWED ME LOVE.  AUNTIE TOMIE IS THE EXCEPTION.  COMING TO THE MAINLAND EXCLUDED ANY CHANCE OF EXPERIENCING FAMILY LOVE.  SO THE ONLY RELATIONSHIPS I HAVE ARE DISTANT.

I WONDER IF THAT'S PART OF WHY THEY CAME.  THE JEALOUSY THAT I WAS WANTED.  THEY WERE ALL SO DIFFICULT AND PECULIAR.  PECU-LIARS. 

TIME TO BE ME

I'M STILL LEARNING WHO I AM.  I HAD A GOOD DINNER.  CHICKEN SALAD CHILI SPAGHETTI.  I'M CREATIVE.

I'M THOUGHTFUL.  WATCHING THE BIG BLUE TICK.  LOTS TO THINK ABOUT.

I'M ACTIVE.  EXERCISE MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.  I WANT TO BE STRONG. 

TUESDAY I ASKED GINNY TO GET ME YELLOW WARRIORS 2 X TEE.  SHE GAVE IT TO ME TODAY.  SHE LOVES ME MORE THAN MY OWN MOTHER.  A LOT OF PEOPLE LOVE ME MORE.

I WENT DMV ONE HOUR.  I NEED A COPY OF MARRIAGE LICENSE FOR NAME CHANGE SOCIAL SECURITY.  SANTA CLARA COUNTY RECORDS.

MY DRIVERS LICENSE IS RENEWED.

WHO KNOWS

I SPENT A FITFUL NIGHT.  THE HUGE BOWL OF SOUP CAUSED ME TO WAKE UP FROM A DREAM OF 3" TICK TANGLED IN MY HAIR.  I WATCHED BIG BLUE TICK/PATRICK WARBURTON BEFORE SLEEP.   SOMEONE SUCKING MY ENERGY.

I FINALLY WOKE 6:30 ATE MY CEREAL AND DECIDED 7:30 TO GET GAS.  ARRIVED SENIORS 8.  PADDLED 2 HOURS.  THOUGHT OF BLOGGING AND REMEMBERED COMPUTER CLASS TODAY SO I'M IN THE QUIET PARKING LOT RELAXING.  SO MUCH BETTER.

I HAVE CAMPBELL LIBRARY MAYBE DMV.  I FORGOT MY PHONE BAG AT LUNCH.  NO ONE SAID ANYTHING OR PICKED IT UP.  NO SUPPORT.  I FORGOT IT IN BATHROOM TOO WENT BACK IMMEDIATELY.  NO DMV TODAY.

I WENT CAMPBELL AND MAILED UNITY CALENDAR ORDER PAYNE PO.  PARKED UNDER CENTRAL.  WATCHED DVD CHECKED EMAILS CAME HOME.

KELLY HOWELL CD IS CHANGING MY THINKING.  I'M GETTING CLEARER ON MY RELATIONSHIPS.

still tired

I LOOK FORWARD TO FEELING GREAT.  FEELING NO PAIN OR SICK.  I'M HOPEFUL.

THE MORE I PADDLE AROUND THE POOL THE BETTER I FEEL.  I CAN UNDERSTAND WILL THE EX WANTING TO DO AWAY WITH ALL PEOPLE.  SOME ARE SO ANNOYING.

I PICKED KIWI BECAUSE I WANTED TO AND GAVE INGE KAKI HADI GAVE ME TUESDAY AFTER INGE LEFT TO RESCUE MAURICE WHO LOST HIS KEYS AT KAISER.

I WENT TO CENTRAL TO PICK UP ORDERED DVD.  I WANTED TO FIND MONEY, QUARTER IN COPY ROOM AND REMEMBERED TO LOOK FOR LOUISE HAY CD'S I HAVE O RETURN CAMPBELL'S.  FOUND 3 ORDERED ONE TO MISSION.

DOING WHAT I WANT IS SO GOOD AND STILL STRANGE.

I ATE TURKEY CRANBERRY SANDWICH THAT LEFT ME HUNGRY.  INGE GAVE PIZZA SLICE TO ART BUT NOT ME.  I TOOK THE LETTUCE HOME TO WASH.  I HAD 2 BEANS ASPARAGUS FROM LUNCH LEFT OVER.  I ADDED TO PANERA 16 OZ CHICKEN TORTILLA SOUP THAT HAD MORE KIDNEY BEANS THAN CHICKEN.  ALSO PINE NUTS.  STILL BLAND I ADDED WASABI ALMONDS.

DELICIOUS.

discernment

I CONSIDERED GOING TO DMV AND DECIDED TO REST FROM YESTERDAY.  I'M HOME FROM REGULAR DAY AT SENIORS.  I FLOATED AND SWAM FOR AN HOUR.  LUNCH WAS OK.  ELSIE WAS THERE TRYING TO TAKE INGE'S PLACE.  NOT.

LAST NIGHT I DREAMED OF TOM TAKING CARE OF ME.  HE NEVER EVEN TOOK CARE OF HIS MOM.  HE LEFT IT TO DELLA.  HE TOOK ME TO DOCTORS AND BOUGHT ME GROCERIES WHEN I COULDN'T GET OUT OF BED.  I WOULDN'T COULDN'T HAVE SURVIVED WITHOUT HIM.  HE DESERVES TO BE HAPPY.  WE ALL DO.

THE WORST

AILEEN LIED ABOUT DAD.  SHE TOOK THE WORST OF MOM AND DAD TO SURVIVE BEAUTIFULLY IN THE MATERIAL WORLD BY LYING AND USING PEOPLE.  MOM TRAPPED DAD TO USE HIM LIKE AILEEN TRAPPED LARRY.  LIKE WILLY TRAPPED ME.  DAD USED MOM TO PROTECT HIMSELF FROM THE WORLD TO REMAIN A CHILD.  LIKE I WAS DOING LIKE HIS MOM WAS DOING.

TOM IS MOM.  HE WANTS ME TO TAKE HIS PLACE WITH DELLA WHILE HE PLAYS WITH DEANA.  I HOPE HE CAN FINALLY BE FAITHFUL TO DEANA.  OR ANYONE.

MY DAY OF REST PRODUCED IMPORTANT INSIGHTS.

I FEEL COMFORTABLE.

I HAD AN OK DAY.  I WENT TO $AN CARLOS FOUND VITA D, WAI LANA CASAVA CHIPS, SHASTA GRAPEFRUIT, GOLD BINDER CLIPS.   DIDN'T FIND ANYTHING AT DOLLAR TREE WENT TO CIRO AN HOUR EARLY AND WAS DONE BY 4.  CAME HOME TO REST.

DST

I'M WATCHING JOURNEY TO THE WEST 2.  CHINESE FANTASY FILM.  NO IDEA OF THE MYTHOLOGY OR ICONS.  I FIND IT PUZZLING.  THE SPECIAL FEATURES ARE THE BEST PART.

I'M TAKING THE DAY OFF.  I'VE WORKED VERY HARD THIS WEEK TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS BEING RESPONSIBLE.  I DESERVE A VACATION.

STILL

I'VE BEEN FEELING DEPRESSED MOST IF NOT ALL MY LIFE.  END OF MONTH BLUES AGAIN.

THIS MORNING I FILLED OUT THE DMV.  IT TOOK ME AN HOUR.  THE FIRST APPOINTMENT WAS JAN 31 AND I HAVE TO PRESENT MY DOCUMENTS SO I'LL DROP BY.  I WAS WORRIED ABOUT THE TEST I FOUND OUT I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE.  SO TYPICAL OF MY FAMILY.

I'M SO TIRED OF THE GRIND.  MAYBE LIFE IS POLISHING ME.

MY BACK ACHES ON AND OFF.  IT'S SO WEIRD THE WAY IT COMES AND GOES.  

THE GOOD THING IS I'VE GONE THROUGH MY LIFE ALONE AND I DON'T MISS WHAT I'VE NEVER HAD.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE HELP AND SUPPORT.

HAVING MORE FUN

I'M READY TO START ON MY DRIVER'S RENEWAL.  I REALLY AM TIRED OF ALL MY RESPONSIBILITY.  I'VE BEEN DOING IT 60 YEARS.  ALWAYS THE RESPONSIBLE ONE.  ALL ALONE.  ODD MAN OUT SO THEY COULD GANG UP ON ME.  I'M TIRED OF IT.

 I LIKE MY LIFE GOING SMOOTHLY.  THEY DON'T.  I DON'T WANT TO BE THEM.  I NEED PEOPLE LIKE ME.

I WANT COSTCO PIZZA.  I HAVE THE REBATE TO SPEND.

ACHY ALL OVER

I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING SICK.  I FELT TERRIBLE LIKE THE FLU.  STOMACH WAS UPSET BODY ACHY.  THEN IN THE POOL I FELT OK.  POOR AIR FROM ALL THE FIRES UP NORTH.  I DIDN'T KNOW THE EXTENT OF THE EFFECT.  OH, MY ACHING SHOULDERS BACK.

I WENT TO CAMPBELL AND SALLY LAST DAY OF COUPON.  I DIDN'T NEED ANYTHING.  I TURNED IN HAPPY TIME MURDERS AT MISSION AND ONLINE SAW LUCKY'S TODAY 2 X POINTS.  $1 OFF KETTLE CHIPS 2 FOR 1 PANERA SOUP.  I ADDED HOT MEAL CHICK ENCHILADA AND EGG ROLL $5.  $14+. 

I WANT TO BE BAD. I'M EATING CANDY. IT'S EVERYWHERE.

SO I'M COUGHING AND NOSE RUNNING FROM SUGAR AND THE FIRES BURNING UP NORTH.  YESTERDAY LAB CORP BLOOD TEST I FELT LIKE SCREAMING AT MY PARENTS LIKE THE 7 YEAR OLD THERE SCREAMING AT HER MOM AND TECHNICIAN.

COUGHING FROM COFFEE.  COFF, COFF.

I'M THINKING WHAT TO DO TOMORROW.  HALLOWEEN.

i don't want to do anything.

better better

I PLAYED IN THE POOL FROM 7:30 TO 8:30.

WOO HOO

AFTER ALL THE DONUTS AT ST JUSTIN I WORKED OUT EXTRA AND I FEEL SLEEPY AND GREAT.  I LOVE DOING WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT.  NO WONDER PEOPLE GET CRAZY.

I'M DOING WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT.  I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW GREAT LIFE CAN BE.  I'VE NEVER KNOWN MY FEELINGS BEFORE.  I CAN'T IMAGINE LIFE FEELING BETTER.  APPEARANCES DON'T MATTER.

I'M WEARING MY CLEAN FLUFFY CLOTHES.  I'M MY OWN STUFFED TOY WATCHING MY PROGRAMS AND R MUPPET MOVIE.  I'M FEELING SO GOOD.

I LOVE THE WAY I FEEL

I'M WEARING MY DENIM FLARE DRESS.  I LOVE THE TEXTURE OF THE FABRIC AND MY CURVES.

eureka

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHY I BOUGHT ANOTHER IRONING BOARD.  I HAVE A MOVABLE WORK SURFACE.  I WANT TO MAKE A BUNCH OF POCKETS AND GATHERED TOPS.

CHECKING IN-CATHY SALE-FAN ON

FEELING IS STILL SO NEW TO ME.  I WAS WAITING IN THE DARK 6:30 LAFFEYETTE LAUNDRY AND WAITED 20 MINUTES.  THEN I STARTED LOOKING FOR 1697 FREMONT IN THE DARK.  I THOUGHT OF GOOGLE MAP.  NAH.

I'M MISSING CATHY ALREADY.  I WAS AT HER DUPLEX AT 7.  SHE GAVE ME 3 NEW REAMS OF COPY PAPER, 4 NEW WRITABLE DVD, NEW 7TH SEASON BIG BANG DVD, 2 NEW ROLLS PAPER TOWELS $3.  WHAT A DEAL.

I'VE BEEN AWAKE SINCE 2:30 AND NOW I LIKE TAKING MY TIME GOING SLOWLY.  I STARTED BLOGGING AT THE WASH AND NOW I'M SITTING AT SENIORS 8:36.  I USED TO RESENT WAKING EARLY BUT NOW I KNOW I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT AT HOME.  MY HOME.

STAYED IN POOL AN HOUR, HOT TUB HALF TAKING MY TIME.

I ARRIVED HOME NOON AND SAW I LEFT THE FRONT DOOR OPEN AND THE FAN ON TO COOL DOWN THE HOUSE.  OH OH.  TOO TIRED.  I ATE SALAD AND LEFT OVER SENIOR LUNCH CHILI COLORADO.  I COOKED THE STEAK AND CHICKEN FROM LAST SUNDAY TO MAKE STEW WITH ZUCCHINI.  I STARTED ON EYELET REDO AND  WATCHED THE TRIP AND SNOOZED 2 HOURS.  WHEN I WOKE 6 I THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY MORNING.

practice

 I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO REMEMBER.  THEN IF I WRITE IT DOWN I HAVE TO REMEMBER WHERE I PUT IT.  A CONUNDRUM.

I STARTED WATCHING SHOPLIFTERS.  I CAN'T TOLERATE HELEN AND MARILYN.  LUNCH WAS NOT GOOD.  I'M SO GLAD I ORDERED CHEF SALAD.  THE MAC CHEESE WAS TERRIBLE, I DON'T KNOW HOW INGE ATE IT. 

QUIET CALMER

I'M A LITTLE LESS TENSE.  I STILL HAVE TO CONSCIOUSLY RELAX OR MY MUSCLES GET SORE.  I THINK THAT'S THE PAIN AND STIFFNESS IN MY NECK AND SHOULDERS.

MY ALLERGIES WERE BAD FROM ALL THE SUGAR CAKE.  I TOOK WILLOW 3 TIMES FOR SINUS PAIN YESTERDAY.  AND LAST NIGHT I ATE WALMART PUMPKIN PIE SO I WOKE UP HOT AND SWEATY.  MY STOMACH FEELS GOOD TODAY.  4 SERVINGS OF PINTO BEANS YESTERDAY MADE ME A METHANE FACTORY.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO TODAY.

I WATCHED TOY STORY 4 FOR THE 4TH TIME AND THERE ARE NO BAD PEOPLE ONLY BROKEN TOYS.  WE'RE ALL BROKEN IN SOME WAY.  WE CAN SUCCEED AS A SPECIES BY ACKNOWLEDGING, ACCEPTING AND ADAPTING WHAT MAKES US 'SPECIAL.'

I'M SPENDING MY DAY SUPPORTING AND NURTURING MYSELF.  I FEEL GUILTY.  I DEARLY WANT IT TO FEEL GOOD TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.  I WANT IT TO FEEL NORMAL.

KYLE KYLE KYLE

I CAN'T REMEMBER HIS NAME.  THE MANAGER LIFE GUARD AT THE POOL.  I CAN REMEMBER KIT CARSON PONY EXPRESS SATCHEL,  JASON AND ARGONAUTS MOTOR CYCLE RIDER. 

MAYBE KYLE SOUTH PARK BUT HE'S SO CALM AND REASSURING UNLIKE SOUTH PARK.

rebel

I'M FEELING REBELLIOUS.  AT LEAST I THINK I AM.  I DON'T KNOW.  I'M WEARING WHAT I WANT IS FUN.

I CONFRONTED SPECKLED BITCH.  SHE ASKED WHAT I HAD AGAINST HER.  I TOLD HER THE FIRST TIME WE MET SHE CHOSE TO MAKE FUN OF ME TO HER CLASS.  SHE PRETENDED TO APOLOGIZE.  I TOLD HER I DON'T THINK SO.  THE BULLY KISSES UP TO MIKE AND HE LAPS IT UP.

HURRAY ME!!

I'M PROUD OF MY SELF. AND NOW I KNOW FOR SURE MIKE IS RACIST TOO.

ONE DOWN

I ARRIVED SENIORS 10;15.  10;30 MORE PARKING.

OPTHAMOLOGIST APPT. OK.  I'M FEELING SHELL SHOCKED.  AFTER AN HOUR OF TESTING THEY WANTED A 3 D SCAN.  LUCKILY IT WASN'T COVERED AND I COULD LEAVE.   ALL THE PARENTS' APPOINTMENTS, EMERGENCIES HAVE TAKEN THEIR TOLL.  I CRIED FOR DAD AND ME.

MY ALLERGIES ARE HEAVY.  EYES, NOSE, THROAT, FEVER, SLEEPY.

NEW SEASON

I WAS FEELING SICK.  I DIDN'T KNOW IF IT WAS THE WIND AND MY ALLERGIES OR SUGAR FROM EATING CARBS OR HIGH BLOOD  PRESSURE FROM STRESS.  I GUESS IT WAS ALLERGIES.  IT WAS SO WINDY DUST AND DIRT. 

postponed

VALLEY VILLAGE WILL BE 11/9.  OH, WELL I PUZZLED ON THEIR BEAUTIFUL TABLE.  I CONSIDER IT A PRACTICE RUN.

I WATCHED ART OF SELF DEFENSE ANOTHER QUIRKY JESSE EISENBERG FILM.  HE SAYS IN THE INTERVIEW HE LIKES TO FEEL CHALLENGED.  ANGRY HELEN WAS IN THE WARM WATER POOL AND GAVE ME HER OPINION ON EVERYBODY.  SHE DOESN'T LIKE INGA.  IT COMES OFF AS JEALOUSY.  MARIA OLVIEROS SET A TOUGH EXAMPLE OF TOLERANCE.

I TRIED LOGGING ON SENIOR PARKING LOT AND COULDN'T.  I DECIDED TO GET PANERA BACON TURKEY BRAVO, FREE CHERRY CHEESE BRITTANY, $1 OFF PRICKLY PEAR HIBISCUS DRINK TASTED LIKE NOTHING AND PEETS SCONE.  MISSION HAS ADULT READING TRAINING IN MY PRIVATE DINING ROOM.  SO I ATE ON THE PATIO.  I ADDED AVOCADO.  I LIKE USING IT IN SANDWICHES.  I HAVE TWO STARBUCKS CARDS I DON'T KNOW.

I WANTED TO BLOG.  HERE I AM.  I WOULD HAVE GONE HOME BUT FOR RECEPTION.

I'M FEELING SLEEPY AFTER EATING.  I WAS GOING TO EAT MY STEAK SQUASH AND ONIONS BUT I GUESS THERE'S ALWAYS TOMORROW. 

NEW ME STUBER!!

SAME OLD DAY...MAYBE.  WE'LL SEE.  I WAS FEELING EXHAUSTED.  THEN I REMEMBERED HOW MUCH I DID YESTERDAY.  A LOT.

I WATCHED STUBER.  SO FUNNY.  I LAUGHED SO MUCH DESPITE THE BLOOD AND GORE.  THE ACTING IS SO GOOD AND THE EFFECTS ARE AWESOME.  I HAVEN'T ENJOYED A VIOLENT PICTURE MORE.  I'M USUALLY JUST BARELY TOLERATING THE VIOLENCE.  IT WAS AN INTEGRAL PART OF THE STORY LINE.  HORRIFYING AND HILARIOUS.

POIGNANT BECAUSE AILEEN CALLED ME STU-PID UNTIL MOM NOTICED.  MOM ALWAYS CALLED ME STUPID SO AILEEN DID TOO.  STUBER IS STU DRIVES UBER.

I EXERCISED AND AFTER SHOWER NOTICED THE AMETHYST FELL OFF THE EARRING.  I LOOKED IN THE SHOWER AND THERE IT WAS.  TYGJ.

AND SNACK BAR LADY GAVE ME COFFEE.  SHE GAVE MIKE A SANDWICH.  I FELT A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED.  THEN AT 4 WHEN SHE CLOSED SHE GAVE ME A HOT DOG.

I LET GO

IT'S ALL IN LETTING GO.  WHEN SO MUCH OF MY SURVIVAL DEPENDED ON KEEPING MYSELF IN CHECK LETTING GO FEELS HUGE MAYBE INSURMOUNTABLE.  I DON'T HAVE TO RELY ON MYSELF.  I LET GOD. 

I GOT GAS SENIORS 10 EARLY.  I JUST LET GO.  I DIDN'T PLAN IT I JUST DID IT.

WALTER SHOWED UP AT LUNCHTIME AND CAROL REFUSED TO BE REASONABLE AGAIN.  I VISITED WITH HIM 'TIL 12;30.  I REMEMBERED I NEEDED TO GO TO WALMART TO PAY PGE.  FOUND SEA WEED, THAI CHILI ALMONDS, PUMPKIN PIE, BOX MILK.  THEN CAMPBELL LIBRARY FOR GOLDEN CHILD.  RENEWED L. HAY 3 WEEKS 11/7.  I WALKED SALVATION 2 HOURS AND HOME.  IMPATIENT 30  WOMAN HONKING AT EVERYONE. 

STILL SLEEPING LIKE BABY

I WOKE 11, 3 FROM NIGHTMARE OF BLOND MAN THREATENING ME WITH KNIFE FOR MY CAR IN TOWN 30 MILES FROM NEWARK.  IN FACT I DEFENDED MYSELF FROM WILL WITH A KNIFE AFTER I DECIDED TO LEAVE/DIVORCE HIM.  I COULD SEE IT WOULD OTHERWISE END WITH ONE OF US DEAD.

MOM THREATENED ME WITH SHEARS WHEN I WAS 16 AND I'D LONG AGO GIVEN UP HOPE FOR LIVING.  I LIVED DEPRESSED MY ENTIRE CHILDHOOD.  IN MY 30'S AFTER I LEFT WILL I DIDN'T KNOW LIFE COULD BE OTHERWISE.  I FELT DIFFERENT.

WILL, BILL, TOM ALL HAD BEEN ARRESTED.  DAD PROBABLY TOO.  MOM SAID WE MOVED TO MAINLAND TO ESCAPE HIS BUDDIES.  I THOUGHT TO AVOID FAMILY.  SHE ISOLATED ME.  RICH AUNTIE KATCHAN WANTED TO ADOPT ME.

I'M FEELING SO MUCH POST TRAUMATIC STRESS FROM THE PARENTS' LAST YEARS I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO EXPERIENCE WHILE IN SURVIVAL MODE.  20 YEARS WORTH.

I WENT TO MAIN LIBRARY TO RETURN STOP SMOKING AND PICK UP FRANK.  I DIDN'T FORCE MYSELF.  I KEPT FALLING ASLEEP SO RELAXED.  I CAME HOME 2:30.  PUTTERED AROUND AND FELL ASLEEP TO CARTOONS.  AFTER A 3 HOUR NAP I FELT GOOD ENOUGH TO COOK ONE ONION 3 POTATOES IN CURRY OREGANO. 

I WAS TRAINED TO TORTURE MYSELF AND NOT ALLOWED TO ENJOY ANYTHING.  IF I DIDN'T THEY TORTURED ME.

I FORGIVE I FORGOT

I STARTED PLANNING TO SCHEDULE MY APPOINTMENTS AT 8 AND FORGOT 'TIL 9.  I FORGIVE MYSELF.

AFTER TAKING DAD TO HIS APPOINTMENTS 25 HIS LAST YEAR THE STRESS I PUSHED AWAY IS BACK TO BE EXPERIENCED.  I DIDN'T HAVE THE LUXURY WHEN I HAD TO KEEP MY SELF INTACT TO FUNCTION.  IT WAS TOO OVERWHELMING.  DR. APPOINTMENTS, WOUND CARE, EMERGENCY, BLOOD DRAWS, ETC.

STILL BABY

WAKING SLEEPING REPROGRAMMING OVER OLD CONDITIONING IS EXHAUSTING.  AND I KEEP FORGETTING HOW TIRING IT IS.  I'M BLAMING MOM WHEN SHE'S A LEMMING TO THE SEA.  SHE HAD AS MUCH KNOWLEDGE OF HOW THE WORLD WORKS.

NO WONDER I FEEL LIKE CRAP.  MY INFANT SELF.

I'M HANGING AT SUNNYVALE.  I EXERCISED, SPROUTS PROTEIN POWDER TURMERIC AND ECHINACEA.  YESTERDAY I LOOKED UP PANERA AND PEET'S SUNNYVALE AND MILPITAS AND TODAY DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.  I THINK I STILL HAVE RED ROBIN.  HUH.  I WANT THE TRIMMED SIRLOIN STEAKS I BOUGHT YESTERDAY WITH SALAD MIX.  I'M SNACKING.

SUDDENLY MY RIGHT SHOULDER BLADE AND HIP HURT SO BAD I TOOK WILLOW.  I WAS FEELING SICK.

SOMEONE LEFT SMALL CAN CHICKEN.  I DECIDED TO EAT MY OTHER CAN IN SALAD.  SLICE SOURDOUGH W/BALSAMIC.  DELICIOUS.  CHIPS DESSERT.

HOWARD LOVECRAFT

MUST HAVE BEEN A TORTURED SOUL.  I WIKIED HIM.  SUCH FASCINATING CONTEMPORARIES.

LIKE A BABY

I WOKE 12:30, 2:30, 4:30,6:30.  FEELING CRANKY.

I DIDN'T WANT TO DO LAUNDRY, PEET'S, $AN CARLOS, DOLLAR TREE.

THEN I REALIZED I CAN DO IT MONDAY HOLIDAY.  I WENT $ANTA AND EXERCISE.  I'M FEELING BETTER.  CATHY GAVE ME ZIP MAKE UP BAG, CANDY, MONKEY POD BEADED BRACELET(WONDER WOMAN), PLUMERIA HAIR CLIP.

WOO HOO!!

two cupcakes.

I AWOKE 2:30 AM TERRIFIED.  INFANT WAS CRINGING.  I COULDN'T GO BACK TO SLEEP AND STAYED WITH THE CELLULAR TERROR.  I'M STILL FEELING IT.

SO MUCH OF MY LIFE HAS BEEN SHUT OFF BY THE OVERWHELMING TERROR OF BEING IN A CRUEL ABUSIVE ENVIRONMENT.  

I REALIZED YESTERDAY I HADN'T RECEIVED MY PGE.  I MANAGED TO FIND IT ONLINE.  MORE TERROR.  

I HAVEN'T REMEMBERED TO CALL FOR APPOINTMENTS AND I'M GOOD.  I'LL REMEMBER.

AND I REMEMBERED TO GO TO WALGREEN'S.  MET TALL THIN PLAYFUL WHITE PONY TAIL FELLOW I GAVE 2 AVOCADOS.

HISSY

I'M FEELING CRANKY.  I FORGOT TO CALL FOR APPOINTMENTS.  LUNCH WAS OK.  EXERCISE GOOD.  THE BIRDS WERE CHATTERING TOO MUCH ABOUT THE POWER SHUTOFFS RELAYING LAST NIGHTS NEWS.  THEY JUST DON'T LISTEN.  COMPLAINING, ALWAYS COMPLAINING.  DIDN'T PAY ATTENTION.  HEARING WHAT THEY WANTED NOT WHAT WAS SAID.  SELECTIVE SLANTED.

I DID MY ROUTINE.  CAMPBELL LIBRARY AND CAME HOME.  I'M BORED OF DRIVING. 

ADULT CHILD

I'M FEELING GOOD.  I WENT TO CITIBANK AND REALIZED MY CAR EXPIRED.  THE NEW ONE WAS IN THE GLOVE BOX, I PHONED FROM THE CAR, ACTIVATED IT AND PAID MY BILL. 

I WENT TO DR CHUNG'S OFFICE AND GOT APPOINTMENT ADVICE.  AND STILL FEELING GOOD.

I WENT TO LUCKY'S A POUND OF BONELESS PORK RIBS $1.36.  YEAH, BABY.

ALL RIGHT!!

I HAD A GREAT DAY.  I RECYCLED $5.75.  10 MINUTES EARLY SENIORS.  I PUZZLED 'TIL 10 WHEN MARILYN STARTED SPEWING HER POISON.  I EXERCISED AND WATCHED MOVIE 'TIL LUNCH.  ART GAVE ME HALF HIS CHOCOLATE CROISSANT.  GERDA GOT US EXTRA LEFTOVERS.  ALEX JOINED US AND GAVE ME HIS SALAD AND NEWSPAPER.  I ADDED AVOCADO.  HIS TABLE WAS EMPTY.       

IT WAS HOT SO I CONTINUED PUZZLING.  KIMO GAVE ME CHEESE DANISH.  I PUZZLED IN THE COOL.  I WAS HUNGRY 4 AND HAD DINNER.  WAITED 'TIL 5 AND COMPUTED WHEEL OF FORTUNE.   CAME HOME FEELING GOOD SO I PICKED UP FRUIT FOR TOKI AND HELEN TOMORROW.  MAIL HAD ANOTHER $6 AMERICAN SPIRIT. 

MANY HAPPY RETURNS

I'M FEELING TIRED.  I LEARNED FROM THE FAMILY TO PICK ON MYSELF AND SABOTAGE MY SUCCESSES.  I'M TAKING GREAT CARE OF MYSELF.  I MAINTAIN CONSTANT VIGILANCE.  IT'S TIRING.

NEW BEHAVIORS TAKE A LOT OF ENERGY TO REPROGRAM.  ERASING THE OLD AND RESTRUCTURING TAKES MORE ENERGY THAN JUST LEARNING NEW.

I'M DOING IT. 

playing hooky

FUNDAY SUNDAY.  EVERY THING I WANT.  I HAD MY CEREAL AND WAS HUNGRY I ATE MASH STRAWBERRY CHIA  SOURDOUGH SANDWICH.

I WATCHED SPIDER MAN FAR FROM HOME.  ILLUSION OF SUCCESS/FAILURE COURSE IN MIRACLES.

I AM HAVING FUN. 

PTSD

DREAM WOKE ME.  I'M RELIVING ERIC'S DYING 6/13/2017.  HIM REPEATING BREATHE.  I'M BEING COMFORTED BY MY DREAM HUSBAND.  MY LIFE IS COMPLETE ON THE OTHER SIDE.

ERIC'S SAD TRAGIC LIFE PARALLELS MINE.  THE BROTHER I MISS.

5 PM I'M FEELING BETTER AFTER STAYING WITH MY ROUTINE.  $TORE.  I EXERCISED, BOUGHT 10 NUGGETS CRISPY TACO AT BK.  I RENEWED CHROME, WATCHED ANNA APOCALYPSE AT MISSION.  ATE LUNCH PATIO ROOM USED.  CAME HOME PREPPED COOKED CHICKEN FROM 9/22.

booga booga

I'M STILL FEELING STRESSED.  I'M CAUGHT UP FOR NOW. 

I'M TIRED OF EVERYTHING.  TAKING CARE OF EVERYTHING I OWN THAT REALLY OWNS ME.  BEING RESPONSIBLE.  I'VE BEEN RESPONSIBLE FOR 60 YEARS.  COOKING, CLEANING, SHOPPING, PAYING BILLS. 

I CAN UNDERSTAND USING BUSINESS MANAGERS TO FEEL FREE. 

DID MY BANKING

AND REMEMBERED TO COVER CHECK.  FREAKED MYSELF OUT WHEN I FORGOT.  MY LIFE HAS BEEN MOTIVATED BY WORRY AND STRESS TO FULFILL MY RESPONSIBILITIES.  DOING LIFE WITH GRACE IS NEW AND DIFFERENT AND SCARY.  A NEW WAY OF LIVING TAKES GREAT COURAGE. 

THE PIONEERS MUST HAVE HAD HELL BEHIND THEM TO MOTIVATE THEM.

I'M A CONSCIOUSNESS PIONEER.  I WANT A BETTER LIFE TOO AND I'M LEARNING.

BOOP

AND HAVING MORE FUN.  I DID MY BANKING AND CAME HOME TO REST.

LOST MY PHONE

SATURDAY AND DIDN'T FREAK.  THIS MORNING I WAITED 'TIL AFTER LUNCH TO CALL MISSION AND SOMEONE HAD CALLED ON PHONE HISTORY.  COINCIDENCE I THINK NOT.  SIMEON CHECKED SAFE AND INDEED IT WAS.  I CONSIDERED GOING TOMORROW TO TEST MY O/C BUT NO NEED.  I DROPPED OFF FRUIT FROM YARD AND PROCEEDED TO ST J.

I DECIDED FEELING SAD WAS BETTER WITH OTHERS FEELING SAD.  JOHN WAS RIDING AROUND PARKING LOT REMINDED ME OF AARON AT 8 FALLING OFF HIS BIKE TELLING ME ABOUT THE TIME HE FELL OFF HIS BIKE.  HE'S SO LIKE AILEEN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW GREAT TODAY HAS BEEN.  I DIDN'T PUNISH MYSELF FOR HAVING FUN. 

BIG WIN

I DON'T KNOW WHERE PHONE 1 IS.  AND I'M NOT PANICKING. BLAMING OR FREAKING.  BIG WIN.  IT MAY BE TIME TO THINK OF A NEW PHONE.  OR I HAVE PHONE 2.  OR I COULD USE PHONE 3.

SO MANY OPTIONS.  I FOUND QUARTER DIME AND 2 CENTS.  I FOUND 5 KIDS HEMATITE NECK'S, 4 SILK NAPKINS, ELASTIC PLASTIC AMBER BEAD WRIST$5.45.  ST J.  3 CHICKEN FRY STEAKS $1.15,  M&M'S $1!  LUCKY'S. 

LUNCH WAS LASAGNA.  A LITTLE BURNED AND THEY HAD  IT LAID OUT FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR I GUESS TO COOL.  GARLIC BREAD SOAKED IN BUTTER.  CAESAR SALAD.  CAN'T BEAT THE COMPANY.  TOO FUNNY.

WENT TO LIBRARY, CHARGED CHROME, WATCHED DVD.  THEY SHUT OFF POWER SO I HAD TO REMOVE DVD MANUALLY WITH PAPER CLIP.  I'M OUT IN CAR AT HOME FOR RECEPTION.

WEATHER IS WONKY.

HAPPIEST BABY

I'M CREATING MY NEW HISTORY.  I'M WATCHING ABBOT AND COSTELLO JACK AND THE BEANSTALK WITH A THIS IS YOUR LIFE SHORT FILM.  I LOVE SPECIAL FEATURES.  I STARTED WATCHING BOMBSHELL HEDY LAMARR.  SHE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL THE WORLD GAVE HER EVERYTHING BUT RESPECT AND SHE DIED FROM THE LACK.

SHE WAS A MODERN WOMAN TOO FAR AHEAD OF HER TIME.

TIMING IS MOST IMPORTANT.

I COULDN'T GET THIS BLOG TO RESPOND AND FIGURED A WAY AROUND IT SO I DIDN'T LOSE ANYTHING. 

I'M IMPROVING.

TO BE

I ALWAYS GET SAD END OF MONTH.  BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO BE.  THIS IS A CRAZY SET UP.  LIFE ITSELF IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AND THEN THERE ARE PEOPLE MAKING IT WORSE BECAUSE THEY CAN.

SITTING DRINKING COFFEE FLAVORED WATER, WRITING, SMOKING UNDISTURBED IS HEAVENLY.

PROPEL HAS A NEW POWDERED FLAVORED DRINK MIX LUCKY'S FRIDAY FREEBIE.

WATCHING SENIORS IS FASCINATING.  IT'S LIKE THEY'RE WEARING DISGUISES.  HALLOWEEN IS COMING UP.  A LOT ARE CHILDREN IN AN OLD PERSON SUIT.

I FORGOT

CHROME @ HOME.

I LOVE RHYMING.  I HAD SUCH A GOOD DAY YESTERDAY.  I'M GETTING BETTER AT THIS THING CALLED LIFE.  I THINK.

I WENT AND GOT GAS AND GOT TO SENIORS EARLY.

I CLEARED A PRINTER PAPER JAM FOR PETE.  I LOVE DOING THINGS FOR PEOPLE WHO APPRECIATE ME.  MY FAMILY ALWAYS RESENTED MY SUCCESSES EVEN WHEN THEY WERE ON THEIR BEHALF.

10 MINUTES

EARLY.  I NOTICED THE BARRICADES CHAINED TO THE LIGHT POSTS YESTERDAY AND ASKED THE OFFICE.  OF COURSE THEY KNEW NOTHING.  USELESS.  THEY SIT AT SCREENS LOOKING AT NOTHING ALL DAY.  LIKE THE NURSE THAT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE BAND AIDS.  USELESS.

JOURNAL

MY ONE AND ONLY FAITHFUL COMPANION SINCE 1976.  I STOPPED FEELING LONELY.

BEING MARRIED TO THE WORST PERSON WAS THE LONELIEST.  IT WAS HELL.  SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.  LIKE A TIME OUT WITH NO END IN SIGHT.  I NEVER FELT LONELY BEFORE.  IT TOOK ME 6 MORE YEARS 10 YEARS TOTAL TOGETHER TO THROW IN THE TOWEL AND REALIZE I NEVER LEFT HOME.  I MARRIED THE FAMILY.

TAKING CARE OF THE PARENTS AND SEEING THE EVIL STEP SISTERS FOR WHO THEY CHOOSE TO BE ALMOST KILLED MY SPIRIT AND BODY CRITICALLY WOUNDED MY MIND.  ALMOST.

DIVORCE IS A GOOD THING.  DO OVER.

1985 I STOPPED AT RAM METAPHYSICAL BOOKSTORE KITTY CORNER TO THE ROSICRUCIAN MUSEUM SAN JOSE.  I MET TERRY AN EXTREMELY TALL THIN AFRO MAN FRIEND OF THE OWNER FRANSCIOSE.  WE STARTED TALKING ABOUT JOURNALS.  I HAD IT WITH ME IN THE CAR AND LET HIM READ.  HE CHOSE JUNE 12, 1984 AND I'D WRITTEN THE DREAM I HAD OF A ZULU WARRIOR PICKING ME UP AND CARRYING ME ACROSS TO THE SUNNY SIDE OF THE STREET.  HE WAS AMAZED AND SAID IT WAS HIM.  I DON'T KNOW I TRIED TO WARN HIM ABOUT THE DANGEROUS ENERGY WORK HE WAS DOING.  HE DIDN'T LISTEN AND LAST I HEARD FROM FRANSCIOSE HE HAD AIDS AND WAS IN FRANCE.  I DON'T KNOW.

DOCTORS DEPRESS ME

I TOOK THE FOLKS TO SO SO MANY APPOINTMENTS.  I SPENT SO MUCH TIME AT KAISER I BECAME FAMILIAR.  SO NOW WHEN I GO FOR ME I FEEL DEPRESSED.  I'M GLAD I'M HEALTHY.  ILLNESS BECAME THEIR OCCUPATION.  I CHOOSE DIFFERENTLY.  I'VE ALWAYS BEEN DIFFERENT.  GOOD FOR ME.

I'M GOING TO  WASH MY HAIR EVERY DAY.  MITZI DID AND MOM NEVER SAID A WORD TO HER BUT SHE YELLED AT ME FOR WASHING MY HAIR ONCE A WEEK FOR USING TOO MUCH WATER.  DISPLACED RESPONSIBILITY.  MY CRAZY FAMILY.

DID MY DUE DILIGENCE.  ON HOLD 12 MINUTES FOR MAMMOGRAM BEFORE I HUNG UP.  I CALLED FOR EYE AND COULDN'T MAKE APPOINTMENT.  LATER.

INGE SHOWED UP TODAY.  THEY DIDN'T GO ON VACATION.  MAURICE GOT SICK.

I WENT TO PANERA FOR STEAK ARUGULA SANDWICH CHIPS.  $12.  SO I CAN GET 4. 

I REPAIRED BAG AND BATHING SUIT.

GOOD DAY.

VALUE

I'VE SPENT A FORTUNE.  I HAVE SO MUCH.  AND THERE'S MORE.

I PICKED UP FRUIT IN THE EVENING LAST NIGHT AND RILED MY BACK SO I STAYED IN AND WORKED ON MY SEWING REMODEL PROJECTS.  MY BACK IS TALKING TO ME.  I'M LEARNING TO TAKE CARE OF MY SELF BETTER.  I ATE JUNK AND LOBSTER CAKES AND SALAD.  I'M SO WORTH IT.

I TRACKED MY LIBRARY LOANS.  I'M GOOD.  GREAT EVEN.

GREAT GIRL.

MORE

BEAUTIFULLY.

I'M SITTING IN MY CAR ENJOYING MY AFTER LUNCH SMOKE.  I DECIDED ON 2 BURGER KING WHOPPERS USED MY GIFT CARDS.  FREE MONEY.  I MADE AN AVOCADO, ALMOND BUTTER, STRAWBERRY CHIA CHEESE SANDWICH FOR DESSERT LATER.  I HAVE MY MOVIES I'M SET FOR THE BEST SATURDAY YET.

I LOOKED ONLINE FOR VEG PROTEINS AND THERE'S A BUNCH.  I ALREADY EAT A LOT OF ALMONDS, PEANUTS, ETC.  AND THE STRAWBERRY CHIA IS PROTEIN TOO.

BODY NEEDS PROTEIN TO REBUILD.

I SIT IN THE LIBRARY KNOWING GOING HOME LEADS ME TO OVERDO.  THERE'S SO MUCH I WANT TO DO.  I HAVE THE DRESSES AND SHOULDER STRAPS TO MAKE.  FRUIT TO PICK UP.  YARD TO PLAN. 

AND THE WORK ON ME.

*me

I'M FEELING SUCCESSFUL.  AUNTIE WROTE AND SENT $20.  I WENT TO ST J TAKING JOHN AVOCADOS, GUAVA, CHILI PEPPERS.  

I WROTE HER BACK FIRST THING FOR 11 AM MAIL PICKUP.  EXERCISED, LUNCHED, LOOKED ONLINE CENTRAL HAD CHROME AVAILABLE.  DECIDED TO KEEP NORTH SIDE EASIER.  READ NEWS PAPER RELAXED. 

HOME EARLY BY 3.

I'M RESETTING MY FAVORITE SITES.  FOR THE FIRST TIME I REMEMBERED TO TURN IT OFF.

slept 10 minutes

WOKE DREAM OF YELLOW PARAKEET SC IN HOUSE BEING RENOVATED.  BIRD HASN'T BEEN FED IN DAYS.  I GET HER FRUIT WHILE LOOKING FOR SEEDS, CUT UP APPLE.  MY HEART IS RACING FROM DREAM.  KEEPING TRACK OF BIRD WATCHING FOR CATS.  NICE BRIGHT HOUSE.

CORPORAL PUNISHMENT

MY BACK AND LUMBAR HURT.  A GOOD HEALTHY PAIN.  I EXERCISED AND STRETCHED IN HOT AND COLD WATER.   I GOT TOFU PEACH SALAD FOR LEFTOVERS.

I THOUGHT HEY I CAN GO PAY MY WALMART ON THE WAY TO CAMPBELL AND I PAID MY PGE TOO.

PARKING AT WALMART I SAW TWO SMALLISH WOODEN BOXES IN THE DIVIDER.  I QUICKLY CHECKED THEM OUT BEFORE ANY ONE PARKED IN THE ADJACENT SPACE.  ART SUPPLIES AND DRAWING CASE.

CONFIRMATION.

I DIDN'T FIND ANYTHING TO BUY.  I WENT TO CARE MORE 1 PM WAITED HALF HOUR WATCHING MOM ON TV.  $TORE CAMPBELL KITTY PEN, POST ITS.  CIRCUITOUS ROUTE TO LIBRARY AND I'M HOME.

MAJOR POUT

AM I DEPRESSED OR CRANKY.  I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING.  I WORE MY NEW CULOTTE DRESS AND FEEL SORE BUT OTHERWISE GOOD.IT'S A LOVELY DAY.

I PUZZLED, BOOK MOBILE, HAD LUNCH, EXERCISED.  MAYBE I'M TIRED AND CRANKY.  I WAS HUNGRY SO I ATE MY LEFTOVERS FROM LUNCH.  NOT GREAT BUT OK.

I AM STILL HEALING FROM SUNDAY.

OK I'LL  GO TO SPROUTS.  $5 COUPON.  I BOUGHT ALMONDS $4/LB AND PAMPERED MYSELF H/B AND I'M HAVING PEACH PIE.  IT'S LIKE FOR FREE.

I ATE HALF FOR DINNER.

GETTING BETTER.

I THINK, BELIEVE.  I DON'T REALLY KNOW.  SUNDAY I WOKE TIRED, LOCKED THE KEY IN THE TRUNK, HAD THE FOB WHICH I FOUND OUT ONLY OPENS DRIVER DOOR BUT LOCKS ALL.  I THOUGHT I WAS ALRIGHT UNTIL GETTING HIT BY ELECTRIC CAR.  MAYBE I WASN'T AS ALRIGHT AS I THOUGHT.

SO TODAY I GOT MAD AT KIMO FOR TREATING ME AS IF INVISIBLE AND TAKING OVER PUZZLE.  THIS MORNING I WAS DONE AND WENT TO EXERCISE SO HE ASSUMED THE ASS IT WAS OK TO TAKE OVER IN THE AFTERNOON.  WELL IT WASN'T.  NO MORE NICE GAL.

WHILE FUMING (HUH) IN MY CAR I REMEMBERED I WANTED SPARKLING ICE FROM SAFEWAY SO I INSTANTLY CALMED MYSELF AND WENT.  THEN WALGREEN'S FOR SMOKES HAVING SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED STOPPING, NOT YET.  SOME OTHER REACTION TO REPLACE FUMES.

EMOTIONS ARE EXHAUSTING.

new carpet

SENIOR CENTER.  I FORGOT SO I'M COMPUTING IN THE RAIN COOLED CAR.  NO ACCESS TO SECOND STORY.  LOVELY.

STRAPS.  I HAVE BUTTON ON SHOULDER STRAPS.  I'VE BEEN PLANNING ON A PATTERN TO ADD STRAPS TO STRAPLESS TOPS AND I ALREADY HAVE BUTTON STRAPS ON BATHING SUIT TOP.  I AM SO BLESSED.

I NAPPED EXHAUSTED AND FEEL SO ANGRY.  I HATE MY SISTERS.  LOVE AND HATE.  I WENT TO CVS SARATOGA TO REDEEM FREE COUPON AND LUCKY'S FOR BURGER KING GIFT CARD.  I BOUGHT TWO EGG ROLLS FOR DINNER WITH PEAR. 

3rd time hit

I'VE BEEN RUN DOWN BY A BIKE AS A CHILD BY A CHILD, HIT BY A CAR CROSSING MONROE AT LAWRENCE ON MY WAY TO SCHOOL JEFFERSON JR HIGH BY A MIDDLE AGED WHITE WOMAN IN HER CAR NEVER STOPPED KNOCKED ME SIDEWAYS THROWING MY BOOKS INTO THE STREET.  I SAW HER FACE SHE LOOKED DIRECTLY AT ME AND CONTINUED DRIVING AND TODAY.  

SUNNYVALE DOLLAR STORE;

      YOUNG EARLY 20'S MODERN INDIAN WOMAN HIT ME BACKING OUT OF A PARKING SPACE IN HER SILENT ELECTRIC SEDAN.  IF I'D BEEN A CHILD SHE'D HAVE RUN ME OVER.  I YELLED AT HER 'YOU HIT ME.'  SHE ASKED IF I WAS HURT 'MY ARM' WHERE HER TRUNK CONNECTED WITH MY BODY AND PUSHED ME.  LATER MY RIGHT LEG HURT FROM CATCHING MYSELF FROM FALLING DOWN.   SHE KEPT REPEATING SHE WAS SORRY AS SHE ROLLED DOWN THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND PULLED THE EAR BUDS OUT.  I WARNED HER TO BE CAREFUL DRIVING A LETHAL WEAPON.

PROBABLY WON'T DO ANY GOOD, DEAD EYES.

I STOPPED AT PANDA EXPRESS AND TREATED MYSELF, CAME DIRECTLY HOME TO REST 11 A M.

TOO CUTE

BECAUSE I SAID SO IS SO HORRIBLE.  ONE LONG CLICHE.  DIANE KEATON IS CHANNELING BUSTER SLAPSTICK.  BECAUSE SHE'S A CATERER THERE'S A RUNNING JOKE OF CAKE IN THE FACE THAT ISN'T FUNNY AND BECAUSE SHE'S 60 SHE CAN'T MANAGE TECHNOLOGY. 

UGH.

A NEW DAY-ASTEROID 2

DUE TO PASS c.5 PM.  BIGGER THAN EMPIRE STATE SKYSCRAPER.  3.5 MILLION MILES AWAY.  COULD EXPLAIN FEELING WEIRD ED OUT.

I FEEL LIKE STAR WARS.  LIFE BEING A BATTLE.  I WAS MORE HONEST AT 8.  I HAD TO LIE TO MYSELF ABOUT MY FAMILY TO BE ABLE TO TOLERATE LIVING.  I ALWAYS THOUGHT OF MYSELF AS GRUMPY.  AND YET PEOPLE LIKED ME.  MY FAMILY NEVER LIKED ME, BARELY TOLERATED ME AND ACTED AS IF I WERE A CHARITY FROM THE GOODNESS OF THEIR HEARTS THAT NEVER EXISTED.

MY THEORY ABOUT EVOLUTION HOW THE EMBRYO GOES THROUGH ALL THE STAGES OF INSECT, REPTILE, MAMMAL AND HOW SOME PEOPLE EMERGE NOT QUITE HOMO SAPIENT.  THE ZODIAC COVERS THAT.  IT TAKES INTO ACCOUNT THE DIVERSITY OF TYPES.  THE NOT QUITE MAMMAL, THE PREDATOR OR PREY.  WARM OR COLD BLOODED.  HOW WE WALK AROUND IN MAMMAL BODIES YET BEHAVE LIKE OTHER SPECIES.  THE US THEM SEPARATION.

HOW I SPRANG FROM THEM I'LL NEVER KNOW.  OR MAYBE I WILL.

FIGHTING WITH MY FAMILY ACTUALLY MADE ME CRY.  AS UNUSUAL AS THEY WERE THEY LOVED AND RESPECTED EACH OTHER.  I DON'T HAVE TO WATCH THE DOCUMENTARY ON THE REAL FAMILY.  THE OLD ME WOULD HAVE HAD TO COMPULSIVELY TRACK IT DOWN.

I WENT TO CARL'S JR FOR $2.99 GUACAMOLE DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER AND STOOD IN AN EMPTY STORE FOR 5 MINUTES WHILE THE CLERKS IGNORED ME SO I LEFT AND WALKED TO LUCKY'S GETTING MY FREE PC 10 OZ COLD BREWED MOCHA COFFEE, BOUGHT $50 PANERA GIFT CARD FOR 1000 POINTS AND FOR $2.56 ATE .32 OZ DELICIOUS CHILI CHICKEN EATEN AT MISSION.  I COULD SLEEP HERE.  72 o.  OUTSIDE 87.  I'M ATTEMPTING NEW ONLINE STUFF.  WISH ME LUCK.

SCORE!!

booga booga-ASTEROID 1

c. 9 PM. 

FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON NORTH SIDE CHROME IS NOT RENEWABLE EVEN THOUGH I SPECIFICALLY ASKED WHEN I CHECKED IT OUT.  SO MISSION TODAY.

I HAVE TO STAY CONSCIOUS IF I WANT TO GO ON WILCOX CAMPUS TOUR.  I'M FEELING SO SCATTERED.  YEAH IT'S BEEN IN THE 90'S AND I HAVE MY COOLING HANKIES.  I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST HAVE TO STAY CONSCIOUS.

YESTERDAY I THREW AWAY PSEUDO AILEEN'S TOWEL AND IT DID FEEL GOOD.  NO WONDER AILEEN TAKES MY THINGS TO TOSS THEM.  IT FEELS LIKE THROWING HER AWAY.

I SURVIVED SENIORS AND CAME TO MISSION TO RETURN CHROME.  JUSTIN CHECKED ONLINE AND STILL EXTRAS AVAILABLE SO HE CHECKED IT IN AND OUT TO ME.  I DECIDED TO TAKE SALADS HOME BEFORE WILCOX TOUR AND TRIED CHROME AND IT WAS LOCKED.  I REBOOTED AND STILL DIDN'T WORK.

I WENT TO WILCOX AND SAW A BUNCH OF WRINKLIES.  IT WAS FUN.  BILL CHARRON IS VERY HAPPY BECAME AN ENGINEER.  I DID GOOD.  RICK HAWKINS LIVES IN PALM SPRINGS.  I FORGET WHAT HE SAID HE DID.  I WORE MY COOLING FINERY AND HAD A GOOD TIME.  I DON'T WANT TO GO TO DRINKS.  AND I DON'T HAVE TO.

I SAW AILEEN'S PICTURE CLASS OF '64.  WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?

RECOVER...

ING FASTER.  I THINK.  AS FAR AS I CAN TELL.  I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF EXPERIENCE WITH BEING HEALTHY OR HAPPY.

TOMORROW IS THE WILCOX TOUR.  BRR.....

9/11/2001

I'M  SO MUCH BETTER FROM BEING BED RIDDEN AND MOM'S DEATH MAY 13TH.

I STARTLED AWAKE THAT MORNING AT 6 AM AND TURNED ON THE TV.  UNTIL I TURNED UP THE SOUND I THOUGHT THE CHANNELS WERE RUNNING THE SAME DISASTER MOVIE.  I PRAYED FOR THEM AND SHORTLY BEFORE 7 I WATCHED AS THE SECOND JET CRASHED INTO THE SECOND TOWER.  I CRIED AS I WATCHED ALL DAY WHEN I SAW THE TOWERS CRUMBLE AND COLLAPSE.  I WAS GLAD MOM HAD DIED AND DIDN'T WITNESS 9/11.  SHE WOULD HAVE IMPLODED.

I'M STILL FEELING SAD BUT BETTER.  I HAVEN'T RELAPSED.  MY BACK HURTS AND IT SHOULD.

TAKING IT EASY

I THINK I'M BETTER.  I SEEM BETTER.  I'M DOING OK. 

TOO MUCH

I'M FEELING CRANKY.  I SPENT A RESTLESS NIGHT.  LIKE WHEN I'D BEEN WORKING 6 MONTHS AT UPACC AND WOKE 3 A M IN A COLD SWEAT QUESTIONING MY LIFE CHOICES.  I HAD TO CONSIDER THE FLEXIBILITY AND ADVANTAGES AGAINST 6 1/2  YEARS IN COLLEGE TO WORKING AS CHURCH RECEPTIONIST AND TAKING CARE OF MOM AND DAD.  THEN AFTER DAD DIED MOM CAME TO PLAYS AND PROGRAMS.  THE WOMEN'S AUXILIARY MADE HER WELCOME.

LIKE WORKING AT MACY'S INSTEAD OF LAWRENCE SQUARE WAS BETTER BECAUSE THEY TAUGHT ME MANNERS AND DEPORTMENT EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T MY FIRST CHOICE. 

AND BEING MARRIED TO WILLIAM  MADE ME AWARE OF MY FAMILY PROGRAM INFLUENCE AND DYSFUNCTION.  AND IF HELL EXISTS HEAVEN MUST TOO.

SO......I DREAMED STEVE WAS HELPING ME REPROGRAM AND I DIDN'T BELIEVE I COULD DO IT, BUT I ONLY NEED TO LET GO AND LET GOD DO IT.

I WENT TO MISSION TO LEARN ABOUT SHREDDING PAPERS AND FOR BBQ.  I REMEMBERED I HAD DOUBLE WASH TO DO TOO.  PERFECT.  ONCE A YEAR TWO BOXES WORTH.  ONLY SANTA CLARA EMPLOYEES CAN BE MEMBERS.  MAYBE NEXT YEAR OPENED TO OTHERS. 

I WAS INVITED TO EAT I TOOK BURGER AND DOG TWO CHIPS COKE.  I STARTED MY WASH, CHARGED CHROME, ATE.  I CONSIDERED ANOTHER LIBRARY.  CAME HOME HUNG LAUNDRY WANTED NAP TWO HOURS.  I'M FEELING SORE AND TIRED.

HAPPY CHILD

WHENEVER I FEEL ANXIOUS I REMIND MYSELF I'M OK.  I'M TAKEN CARE OF.

ASTER EXERCISING AND SHOPPING I DECIDED TO GO STRAIGHT TO WALGREEN'S AND DIRECTLY TO ST J. 11:30 I READ THE PAPER FOR AN HOUR AND TOOK THE PAPER TO THE STORE.  I FOUND TWO BEAUTIFUL WATCHES, A METAL JEWELRY RACK, STRETCH HEMATITE ANKLET FOR $5. 

LUNCH WAS CHINESE CHICKEN SALAD, SPRING ROLLS, BREAD ROLL BUTTER.  I ASKED FOR WHAT I WANTED AND GOT IT.  NEW ME.

I WENT TO THE LIBRARY AND CHARGED MY PHONE AND CHROME.  WATCHED THE HUSTLE REMAKE OF DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS.  IT'S OK.  SOME NEW BITS.  I GOT HOME 5:30.  I WAS ALMOST RUN OFF THE ROAD BY A HORRIBLE ASIAN LEXUS DRIVER ON KIELY.  SHE WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION AND SPEEDING. 

I'M OK GOD IS TAKING CARE OF ME.

FUN TAKES PLANNING

HAPPINESS DOESN'T JUST HAPPEN.  TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS REDUCES STRESS.  THERE'S SO MUCH TO FULFILLING RESPONSIBILITIES.  PAYING BILLS, DAILY MAINTENANCE, EXERCISE, EATING RIGHT.  ALL NEEDS TO BE DONE.

I COULDN'T SLEEP BECAUSE OF HOUSE.  SO MUCH NEEDS TO BE DONE.  I STILL HAVE EYE EXAM, MAMMOGRAM, DENTIST, ETC.  BEING A RESPONSIBLE ADULT TAKES A LOT OF WORK.

I DECIDED I'D EXERCISE THEN GO VALLEY VILLAGE.  I SAW GERDA AND ELSIE.  FED GERDA SINCE SHE BARELY WALKS.  BIG FAT GARLIC DOGS, POTATO AND GREEN SALAD, BAKED BEANS, DICED WATERMELON, COOKIE.    I MISS TAKING CARE OF MOM AND DAD.  IT GIVES ME A GOOD FEELING GERDA APPRECIATES ME.  ELSIE TRIED TO COMPETE. 

I WON A RAFFLE PEET'S COFFEE GIFT CARD AND FOLDING V V SHOPPING BAG.  I RECOGNIZED ELLA MAE'S DAUGHTER AND TALKED TO THEM.  OUTSIDE.  THEN AS I WAS PUTTING EVERYTHING IN MY CAR WRAPPING HOT DOG AND BEANS IN THE WET SWIM TOWEL IN THE CAR I SAW GERDA AND ELSIE IN THEIR CAR TALKING TO RAYMOND AND HE INVITED ME TO HIS ONE BEDROOM COTTAGE #10.  HELEN SIMONE HAD A TWO BEDROOM.  WE TALKED FOR AN HOUR.  HE HAD TO GET READY TO VISIT HIS NIECE IN BURLINGAME.  I DON'T THINK HE'S GAY.  I THINK HE'S A PLAYER LIKE TOM.

THEN I WENT TO MISSION LIBRARY WATCHED DVD, CHARGED CHROME AND ATE DINNER.  HOME BY 6. 

SMOOTHER

THIS LITTLE CHROME IS SMALLER.  I HAD TO CHARGE IT 2 HOURS TO GET IT TO TURN ON.  DOWN TO ZERO.  SO HASN'T BEEN USED MUCH.  BAG IS OLD STYLE.

NOW I'M FEELING TIRED.  I DID A LOT YESTERDAY.  I FORGOT TWO BAGS TODAY WITH MY EAR BUDS AND COULDN'T WATCH DVD.  I DIDN'T FEEL TIRED THIS AM.

I DID A LOT TODAY TOO.  WENT CAMPBELL, $TORE, ST J.  CAME HOME 3 PM TO REST.  TOMORROW HARRIS LASS, VALLEY VILLAGE.  SUNDAY ST J.  MONDAY MISSION CU.  AND THEN MY WORK WEEK CONTINUES.

I NEED MORE REST.

OR I'LL GET CRANKY.  I THINK EVERYTHING CREATIVE AND DESTRUCTIVE IS CHANNELED THROUGH MY TWO YEAR OLD.

EARLY BIRDS

I GOT HERE QUARTER TO 7 AND I'M #4.  THEY MUST CAMP OUT.  HUMMINGBIRD PROJECT IS DUE TODAY AND NONE OF MY HOLDS ARE READY SO I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO GO TO CAMPBELL.

SENIORS I ENJOY WATCHING PEOPLE TRICKLE INTO THE PARKING LOT.

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO FIND CHROMEBOOKS ONLINE AND SAW MISSION HAS HOLD AND NORTH SIDE 3 AVAILABLE SO HERE I AM RELAXING IN THE COOL.  THE BAY IS ALWAYS BREEZY AND COOL.  2 HOURS TO CHARGE FROM DEAD.

THE CHAIRS ARE NOT AS GOOD BUT IT'S HUGE AND QUIET.

FLORA

STARTED ATTENDING FIRST PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH SAN TOMAS HOMESTEAD.  I'VE BEEN TO TWO THANKSGIVING DINNERS THERE.  I NEED A PLACE TO SUPERCHARGE MY PRAYERS.

susan IS A WORRIER.  LOGICALLY I TRUST THE UNIVERSE BUT EMOTIONALLY.....AND MY INNER CHILD IS EMOTION=CREATIVE.  WHEN WE CAN CHANNEL DIRECT THAT WE'LL CREATE HEAVEN.  KING MIDAS HAD THE RIGHT IDEA THE WRONG EXECUTION.

I HAVE SINUS HEADACHE. 

NEW ME

NOT MEDS BUT MOOD UPLIFT NATURAL BOTANICALS.  MEET YOUR HERBS.COM.  AND IT SEEMS GENTLER AND LASTS LONGER AND SAYS ON THE INSTRUCTIONS CUMULATIVE EFFECT.  WELL IT SAYS 'BEST RESULTS WITH LONG-TERM USE.'

I'M DOING DIFFERENT.  I DECIDED INSTEAD OF RUSHING TO GOBBLE MY BREAKFAST I'D BRING IT AND EAT LEISURELY.

OH I FORGOT CORN I BOUGHT LUCKY'S.  I WAS GOING TO COOK IT AND BRING IT FOR GERDA AND INGE.  I'M EATING IT TOMORROW.

I'M USING MY EMOTIONS.  I BRUSHED MY TEETH AND SAW ONE TOOTH WESTERN DENTAL WORKED ON HORRIBLY DISCOLORED.  I DREAMED A WOMAN DENTIST TALKED TO ME ABOUT CAPPING AND CROWNING.  I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED.

RESTLESS

I'M FEELING THERE'S MORE.  I'M FLOATING ON THE UNIVERSAL SEA.

I CAN FEEL MY BACK AND IT'S SAYING REST.  I MEASURED FRIDGE 31 X 31 X 67 HALF THE OLD ONE.  PUT OUT SOME RECYCLE.  I HAD A  HARD TIME DECIDING ON WHAT TO WEAR PLAY OR WORK.  AND TODAY'S FORECAST 87 o.  HOME OR FIND REFUGE.  ALL I NEED IS SHADE, AIR CONDITION, POWER SOURCE. 

20 YEARS

I COULDN'T SLEEP TIL 12;30.  I HAVE THE DOG MOVIES; JOURNEY, WAY HOME.  I GUESS I'LL WATCH PURPOSE.  I TRIED TO TELL AUNTIE WHEN SNOOPY DIED.  IF PEOPLE REINCARNATE ANIMALS CAN TOO.

DAD DIED 20 YEARS AGO AND MY BODY IS REACTING.  THE STRESS AND SLEEPLESSNESS OF HIS LAST WEEK.   I'M READY FOR IT.  I THINK.

I SPENT THE DAY AT CUPERTINO 88 o.  I STAYED IN THE COOL AND THEN LUCKY'S MOUNTAIN VIEW HOMESTEAD AND GRANT FOR MY COFFEE DOUGHNUT FREEBIES  AND SALAD.  HOME AT 6:30.  I HAVE ALL DAY TOMORROW TO GET READY FOR THE WEEK.  I LOVE IT.

EASY

10-5:30 AND I FEEL GOOD.

WHILE RESEARCHING BORA BORA IT OCCURRED TO ME WHAT IF AMERICA WAS THE GARDEN OF EDEN AND THE ATLANTEAN EXPLOSION STARTED THE CONTINENTS TO DRIFTING.  POTATOES AND SWEET POTATOES ORIGINS THE AMERICAS.

STILL GOOD SOLDIER

ONE FOOT AFTER THE OTHER.  I'M SO TIRED.  I'M SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT TAKING TIME FOR MYSELF.  PLANNING MY DAY.   PLANNING PAYING TARGET.  PLANNING MY BILLS.  I'M ALWAYS SCHEDULING MY LIFE.  IT'S GOOD TO TAKE A BREAK AND DO NOTHING.

AUGH!  I SAT NEXT TO ELSIE IN LIBRARY.  I WENT TO ST J TO SEE AND DO.  I'M GOING TO MISS THEM.  MISS MARTHA WANTS ANOTHER JOB.  WE TALKED JOANN FABRIC I TOLD HER THE BACK WAY HOMESTEAD TO TASMAN TO SCB.  SHE'S THINKING ABOUT IT.

HAWAII

I HAD CHILDHOOD DREAM OF HIDING AND HOPELESSNESS.  I CLIMBED ON TOP OF CABINET IN CLOSET TO GET AWAY FROM WILD ANTLERED DEER.

MY CHILDHOOD WAS CONSTANT UNREMITTING TERROR.  I SHUT DOWN ALL FEELING AND STORED IT IN MY SHOULDERS.  NOW MY BODY IS RELAXING RELEASING.

1999

20TH DEATH-A-VERSARY.  AND I'M BETTER.

47 years

AH, I WAS A CHILD.  I'M SO MUCH BETTER TODAY.  I WAS SO UNHAPPY WITHOUT EVER HAVING EXPERIENCED HAPPINESS.  I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS UNHAPPY.  I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS MORE TO LIFE. 

HAPPY UN-I-VERSARY TO ME.

91 o. AND I'M HAPPY.

MORE FUN

I'M WATCHING THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST.  THAT AND GOLDEN CHILD I WILL ALWAYS WATCH. 

I FORGOT

AGAIN.  I TOOK DOWN AND FOLDED THE LAUNDRY SANS BACK BRACE.  I'M SO MUCH STRONGER NOW I DIDN'T GET SICK JUST NIGHTMARES, INSOMNIA AND PAIN.  I STRETCHED IT ALL OUT.

I'VE COME A LONG WAY.  I COULDN'T TAKE THE HEAT AND SUFFERED GOING TO THE AIR CONDITIONED MALLS UNTIL EXHAUSTED, TO THE CAR TO REST AND THEN BACK TO AIR CONDITIONING.  MY BACK AND BODY WAS CONSTANTLY INFLAMED ON FIRE.  THEN I WENT TO THE LIBRARY TAKING FOOD SINCE I HAD LIMITED ENERGY TO GO OUT.  I WAS ALWAYS EXHAUSTED.  I WOKE UP TIRED AND MISERABLE.  MY ENERGY WENT DOWN FROM THERE.

TAKING CARE OF THE FAMILY ALMOST LITERALLY WORE ME OUT, KILLED  ME.  MY MOM'S THREATS ALMOST CAME TRUE.  I CAN'T REMEMBER A TIME SHE WASN'T THREATENING TO KILL US.  SOMETIMES I WISHED SHE WOULD GET IT OVER WITH SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO HEAR IT.  TALK ABOUT WORDS HURTING.

6 PM.  HAPPY CHILD.  I HAD 2 LITTLE BACON CHEESE BURGERS AND HALF THE FRIES WHILE WATCHING AN EXCITING CLOSER.  FOR LUNCH I ATE A BREAKFAST BURRITO JR AND A BAG OF BBQ KETTLE CHIPS A SMALL COKE.  LOVELY DAY.  I PARKED MY CAR IN THE SHADE AND RESTED ALL DAY.  BEA AND JUSTIN AND JOHN AT ST JUSTIN RESPECT ME. 

ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD.

I'M better

I DID THE LAUNDRY.  DROVE TO MISSION.3 MILES AND ASKED TO EXTEND OCEANS 8 ONE DAY OVERDUE.  MOUSY CHECKED IT IN AND OUT TO ME.  LAST TIME WITH CHROME SHE REFUSED.  IT'S BECAUSE I KNOW JUSTIN, BEA, AND ASHWARI. 

AND I TOOK MY TIME RESTING AT MISSION WATCHING TEEN SPIRIT, ANNOYING FAT BOY TRYING TO MUSCLE MY SPACE, I CALLED HIM ON IT TOLD HIM TO USE HIS OWN SPACE.  I LEFT AT 5 WELL RESTED, HUNG MY CLOTHES, ATE LUNCH LEFTOVERS.  I FEEL PRETTY GOOD TODAY.

tired and cranky

THE BEAUTY OF GROWING OLDER IS IT'S EXPECTED.  GRUMPY OLD PEOPLE.  OPTIMISM IS SUPPOSEDLY FOR THE YOUNG.

IT WORKED OUT BEAUTIFULLY THAT THE MORNING I TOOK THE RECYCLE EMPTYING MY TRUNK I FOUND A FREE WALKER WITH BRAKES. 

AND TODAY I'M SITTING AMID THE MASS RECHARGING CHROME, PHONE AND MY SPIRIT.  I'M PARTICIPATING.  I'M SUCH A GREAT GIRL.  IF I GET MY DARK GLASSES I CAN TAKE A NAP. 

KELLY TOLD ME A SAD STORY OF 4TH GRADE FRIENDS OSTRACIZING HER ON FACEBOOK BECAUSE THE LEADER OF THE PACK BULLIES THE OTHERS.  WHAT SHE NEEDS THEM FOR I HAVEN'T A CLUE UNLESS THEY'RE AFRAID OF BEING ALONE. 

WHY PEOPLE PREFER TO BE JACKASSES OR JENNY ASSES I DON'T KNOW.  I DOUBT IT PAYS MORE.

THE SHAPES WE PRETZEL OURSELVES INTO TO BE LOVED. 

waiting

I HAD MOM'S DREAM OF HER BOTTOM TEETH ROTTING.  SHE HAD HER TEETH PULLED IN HER TWENTIES.  SHE WAS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A MAN TO TAKE CARE OF HER.  I STOOD UP FOR HER TIME AND TIME AGAIN.  AGAINST DAD AND PAT MADDEN'S SON WHEN HE CAME TO THE HOUSE TO BLAME HER FOR ADULT PROTECTIVE SERVICES WHEN HE TOOK HIS MOM'S HOUSE AND DOOMED HER TO A CONVALESCENT HOSPITAL.  HE BROKE HIS MOM'S HEART WITH HIS LIES AND GREED.  DOOMED HIMSELF WHEN HE PUT HIS DAUGHTER IN THE HOUSE.  OH, WELL.

I'M SITTING I SENIOR PARKING #1 SPOT.  I DIDN'T WEAR BRA AND JUST REMEMBERED I HAVE THE ONE I TOOK OFF IN MY GYM CASE.

I'M WAITING FOR MY HEAVEN TO BE CONSTRUCTED SO I CAN MOVE IN.

WHAT TO DO

I WAS VACILLATING TRYING TO DECIDE.  I HAD CHROME WAITING AT MISSION AND 2 MORE DAYS ON MAIN CHROME BUT TWO HOLDS.  I DECIDED TO TURN IN MAIN AND PICK UP MISSION CHROME.  AND I WANTED TO PAY WALMART DUE TOMORROW AND CAMPBELL WAS 1 DAY OVER DUE.  I DID IT.  SO TOMORROW I HAVE DISCOVER AND PGE AND I'M FREE FOR ANOTHER 2 WEEKS.  I CAN PAY TARGET SATURDAY OR WHEN EVER.  I FEEL GOOD AND ACCOMPLISHED.

THE MISSION CHROME IS NEWER AND FASTER.  JUSTIN REMINDED ME.  HE'S SO ATTRACTIVE.  AND SUCH A SUPPORTIVE PERSON.   MAYBE THAT'S WHAT I FIND SO ATTRACTIVE.

TIME FOR DESSERT.  MAYBE THAT'S ONE REASON OLD PEOPLE ARE FAT.  MAKING UP FOR A LIFETIME OF NOT HAVING DESSERT.

FEAR KILLS

THE FAMILY TRADITION OF FEAR WOKE ME AT 3.  PEOPLE DIE OF FEAR=DIS EASE OR THE LACK OF PEACE.  OUR BODIES ARE PROGRAMMED TO WEAR OUT TO MAKE ROOM FOR NEW PEOPLE, EXPERIENCES.  I WANT A GOOD TRANSITION.

WATCHING THE GOOD PLACE MAKES ME WONDER IF HELL IS HERE AND WHAT MAKES IT HEAVEN IS HELPING EACH OTHER.

THERE'S A PARABLE OF HELL BEING A BANQUET WITH PEOPLES HANDS CHAINED TO THE TABLE AND UTENSILS TOO LONG TO FEED ONESELF FROM SERVING DISHES FULL OF THE MOST DELICIOUS FOOD AND THEY'RE STARVING.  WHILE HEAVEN IS ANOTHER IDENTICAL SETTING EXCEPT THEY LEARNED TO FEED EACH OTHER AND THEREBY ENJOY ALL HEAVEN'S BOUNTY.

I HAVE TO FOCUS ONLY ON ME AND WHAT I WANT.  I WANT A BETTER WORLD FOR ALL.  WHEN REAL HAPPINESS EXISTS CONFLICT WILL DISAPPEAR INTO BLISS.

FEAR

I GREW UP IN A SEA OF FEAR.  I GAVE UP ON HAPPINESS.  I COULD SEE IT SOMETIMES AND FELT IT A FEW TIMES.  I LIVED IT YESTERDAY.

I WENT TO G2, SAFEWAY, $UNNYVALE, MARIA, LUCKY'S.  ST J I FOUND PINK STERLING BRACELET THAT MATCHES MY EARRINGS AND ROSE BUDS, FOLDER, BROKEN JEWELRY BAG AND BIAS TAPE. 

FEELING HAPPY FILLS ME WITH FEAR.  IT'S STILL NEW.

mystery

I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW THIS BLOG WORKS.

I DREAMED OF MY DOG FELIX.  MY PETS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE FOR ME.  THEIR REFLECTION HAS BEEN WISE AND LOVING.  MAYBE PEOPLE FOR THE MOST PART AREN'T.  I TOSSED AND TURNED UPSET STOMACH.

I SIPPED GRAPEFRUIT NOT KNOWING IF I WAS GOING OUT AND HERE I AM MISSION LIBRARY WATCHING A LORD OF A RING ADAPTED BY SAMUEL PEACHES PERIPATETIC PLAYERS OUTSIDE IN THE PARK. 

SO FUNNY.

PLAYING

IT'S BEEN SAID IF YOU FIND SOMETHING YOU LOVE DOING AND FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET PAID FOR IT YOU NEVER HAVE TO WORK A DAY OF YOUR LIFE.  I KNOW HOW TO WORK.  I'VE DONE IT 60+ YEARS.  NOW HOW TO PLAY.

I HAVE TONS OF DVD S.  THE SPELL CHECK IS SO IFFY.  I'M CONSTANTLY AMAZED SOMETIMES AMUSED.

I REMEMBERED MY EXTENSION CORD TO WATCH DVD ON PLAYER.

HOW TO GET PAID TO WATCH MOVIES.

UNLIMITED

FEELING AND WANTING AND BEING.  I'M SIPPING GRAPEFRUIT WATER.  I CAN FEEL MY BACK AND STOMACH.  I DID A LITTLE TOO MUCH EXERCISE THIS MORNING.  OH, WELL. 

LUNCH WAS SO BAD I THREW HALF AWAY.  WE HAVE CHOICE OF BANANA OR CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE MY CHOICE OF DESSERT.  STOMACH ACHE.

THE EMPLOYEES HERE CONSIDER THE SENIOR CENTER THEIR PRIVATE CLUB.  I WONDER IF THE MAYOR IS IN ON IT.  IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE NOT.  IT EXPLAINS SO MUCH THEIR BEHAVIOR REWARDING THE SELFISH AND STUPID AND NOT FIXING THE SHOWERS, THE AIR CONDITIONING, ETC.   SENIORS CAN'T GET TOO COMFORTABLE OR WE MAY COME TO BELIEVE THE SENIOR CENTER IS FOR THE SENIORS.  THAT'S WHY THEY TALK AROUND FIXING THINGS.  ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT CHANGE AND KEEPING EVERYTHING THE SAME.

I'M FEELING SICK AND MY BACK IS BAD.  I'M RESTING ON THE COUCH UPSTAIRS WITH MY FEET UP THINKING ABOUT MY LIFE AND HOW I GOT HERE.  I'M SIPPING MY GRAPEFRUIT DRINK.  I STILL HAVE TO GO TO MISSION LIBRARY TO RETURN CHROMEBOOK. 

BY 4:30 I'M FEELING BETTER.  I WENT TO MISSION AND JUSTIN LOOKED ONLINE FOR ME FOR CHROME AND TOOTH FAIRY.  I WENT DIRECTLY AND GOT BOTH.  I FOUND A SHINY NEW QUARTER IN UPSTAIRS COPY ROOM.  TWO ROLLS TP.  SCORE. 

THE TRICK IS NOT TO GET OVER CONFIDENT.

OUT IN THE PARKING LOT.

I LOVE WATCHING PEOPLE DRIVE IN.  I LOVE WATCHING PEOPLE.  I LOVE PEOPLE.

I WAS GOING TO BID ON AARP GIFT CARD AT NOON AND FORGOT.  I WAS DISTRACTED BY A DOZEN BURNT ALMOND CUPCAKES.  NEXT TABLE BROUGHT MEGA DOZENS.  EH, TOMORROW IS $5 TARGET CARD.  TODAY'S CVS.  AND TOMORROW IS BOOK MOBILE.  SO TODAY I'M HANGING OUT FROM THE EXTREME HEAT.  I HAVE LOT'S OF FISH AND RICE TOO. 

I READ THE PAPER AND DID THE PUZZLES. 

NO PAIN

I JUST NOTICED THIS MORNING I HAVE NO PAIN IN MY BACK.  I'VE HAD TWO STOMACH SHARP TWINGES I HAD GRAPEFRUIT JUICE IT WENT AWAY.

I'VE BEEN W/O L. HAY CD SINCE I HAD TO TURN IT IN.  I'M WAITING PATIENTLY.  I CREATED A LINK TO YOU TUBE.  I LISTENED LAST NIGHT.  I'M DOING BETTER OVER ALL.

CD AVAILABLE I DROVE TO CAMPBELL.  ALL IS WELL.

REPAVING ON MY STREET IS 7:30 am-5 pm.  13-16.

ME

YESTERDAY WAS WONDERFUL.  TODAY I WOKE FEELING LONELY.  PROBABLY 'CAUSE I WAS TIRED.  I COUGHED FOR HOURS WITH THE JUNK IN THE AIR.  I WAS AFRAID I WAS GETTING SICK.  I FELL ASLEEP AND DECIDED TO FILL CAR/GAS.  EXERCISED.  OLD ASIAN WOMAN I NOTICED STARING AT ME IN POOL MAKING FUN OF ANOTHER WOMAN'S HOLE IN SWIMSUIT TALKED TO ME IN LOCKER ROOM.  I ASKED HER IMPORTANCE OF HER BANAL QUESTION.  THEN AS SHE COMBS HER HAIR AND THROWS ON FLOOR I ASK HER IF SHE THROWS TRASH ON HER HOME FLOOR.  SHE TRIES TO DISSEMBLE WITH WHAT TRASH.  I SAY HER HAIR FROM HER COMB.  I TELL HER IT'S DISRESPECTFUL TO OTHERS USING COMMON SPACE.  WHITE WOMAN BEHIND HER GIVES ME THUMBS UP.  COWARD.

I DID MY SHOPPING FINISHED LETTUCE SALAD WITH SEAFOOD.  I MISPLACED MY CARDS.  I KNEW I HAD THEM FROM YESTERDAY.  I DIDN'T PANIC.  IT'S BEEN A LONG 20 YEARS TIME NOT TO REACT LIKE THE FAMILY.  I WANTED CASH FOR ST J.  MAYBE TOMORROW.

I THINK I NEVER FELT LONELY DOING WHAT I THOUGHT WAS MINE TO DO.  I WAS FOCUSED ON THE TASK NOT MYSELF.

PROBABLY WHY PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS IN OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS.  THEY FEEL LITTLE AND USELESS.  CRITICIZING OTHERS MAKES THEM FEEL BIGGER.  THEY'RE STILL TINY.  I'VE BEEN THINKING OF TOM NEVER CARING FOR ME.  TOO BUSY WITH ALL THE OTHER WOMEN IN HIS LIFE.

I'VE NEVER HAD ANYONE.  HOW CAN I MISS WHAT I'VE NEVER HAD.

WHAT I WANT

SINCE I WAS 8 I REALIZED I WAS A SERVANT.  I THOUGHT I WAS CINDERELLA COOKING CLEANING BEING ABUSED.  CINDERELLA A TALE OF ABUSE.  EVEN THE TITLE.  CINDERS=DIRTY.

CREATIVITY COMES FROM THE CHILD.  SO MUCH IN THE WORLD IS CRUEL BECAUSE KIDS DON'T KNOW.  KIDS HAVE TO BE TAUGHT TO BE HUMANE HUMANS.

SHAZAM  JIM NABORS HAD A HARD TIME NEVER OVER CAME GOMER PYLE.  HOW DO I OVER COME CINDERELLA?

SO TODAY I $ANTA CHIPS, EXERCISED, TWO/1 BK WHOPPERS LUNCH DINNER, MISS LIBRARY COOL.  CHARGED CHROME, ATE IN COMMUNITY ROOM READING MERCURY/NEWS, WATCHED MOVIES ON COMPUTER.  I HAVE PLAYER TOO JUST IN CASE.  I'M TIRED READY FOR HOME.