NOTHING TO LIVE FOR

MY GRANDFATHER, DAD'S FATHER DIED OF ASPHYXIATION 8/24/1949 AND MAYBE MY SUPERSTITIOUS MOM WAS AFRAID I WAS HIM COME BACK TO HAUNT THE FAMILY MY BEING BORN 1950. 

I MOVED BACK HERE 1989 WHEN DAD HAD PROSTATE CANCER.  I DROVE THEM BOTH.  DAD HAD FORCED HER TO RETIRE AND STOP DRIVING.  NEXT YEAR HE HAD COLON CANCER.

SHE SWALLOWED MY DAD'S BOTTLE OF SLEEPING PILLS A FEW DAYS AFTER TELLING ME SHE FOUND HER FATHER IN LAW HANGING IN THE FRONT YARD OF THEIR HOUSE THE FIRST YEAR THEY WERE MARRIED.  SHE TOLD ME WITHOUT ANY EMOTION.  SO MATTER OF FACTLY ASKING ME IF I KNEW.  I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  I ALWAYS KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH OUR FAMILY.

WE NEVER HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH DAD'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY.  WE VISITED AND HOSTED HER FAMILY.  BOTH SIDES WERE WEIRD.   MY DAD'S SIDE SUICIDAL ALCOHOLICS, MY MOM'S VIOLENT ALCOHOLICS.   I GUESS ALCOHOL AND BEING BORN IN HAWAII KEPT THEM TOGETHER.  THERE WAS NO AFFECTION AND THE HUMOR WAS BASED ON HUMILIATION.  

I SURVIVED ALCOHOL I CAN SURVIVE SUICIDE.