predators

i'm mourning the loss of my sisters and feeling the family anxiety.   my thoughts fly around like a cloud of butterflies landing here and there.  i'm adjusting to not having anyone but god.  i'm a hermit in solitude.  mom did the best she could.  i'm mourning that too.  that she couldn't do better.  that she kept dad emotionally crippled.   at eight years old i was the adult.  i was the scapegoat.  

oh. my body.  babies growing go through torture.  my cells make me want to cry.  

i finally opened the chobani creamer.  still good.  too sweet to use as cream.  if i had bread i'd make bread pudding or french toast.  maybe pancakes or cobbler.  and the carnation creamer i got st just top is broken.  

children watch movies hundreds of times.  imprinting and learning.  autism requires maybe thousands of viewings. 

considered going to pay pge walmart.  took out garbage.  some from freezer.  with god everything is easy and comfortable.  without is hell.

arr seniors 9;47 #1.  huh.  walked park beautiful warm sunny.   the best.  stretched.  no internet reception.  i cut suckers front and rain spout. 

roast beef sandwich ok.  reminded me folks asked what we wanted when they went gambling entire weekends.  i always asked for harvey's casino r b with dill pickle.  alien and nit wanted more jewelry.  mom and dad always bought me cheap junk.  my sisters got the expensive so when mom died they took it all and gave me what they didn't want couldn't sell.  1989 i moved home to take care of dad with prostate cancer.  for my birthday they gave me cheap glass bracelet and my sisters got sterling silver aquamarines.  my birthstone my birthday.  sisters got expensive presents on my birthday.  

alien had all night parties those weekends sending me and nit to stay with friends until i got old enough 13 to help set up and clean up.  alien rented out the bedrooms to her 'guests'.   that's how i ended up being pimped out to r shimizu.  guys she wouldn't date but wanted to use.  alien used me to take the parents off her back onto mine.  

i added dill pickles i mixed with green olives tastes like olives less salty.  tiny salad, pear, juice, milk.  

2;30 i decided to go to arques to check it out.  sun is cleaner.  i forgot shower shoes again.  i stretched half hour.  new equipment.  great hanging bars.  

i decided to cook the salad vegs from lunch.  steamed with zucchini and chicken.  changed my mind added 4 eggs and swiss cheese.  the amino makes it so yummy i ate practically the whole thing.  ooh, i just remembered cornbread for dessert.