woke with physical emotional pressure that moved from ab to chest. looked for misplaced movie to return and the self criticism program started running how stupid lazy etc... families criticize and humiliate to control and added with physical and emotional violence 100 % effective. changing the chemical memories takes time and repetition. trauma is a huge chemical imprint. baby ducks on hatching imprint on the first thing they see as mother. i'm learning to be patient and gentle with myself. i was taught to ignore myself and sometimes this programmed energy spills over into my everyday life. i found phone messages from 2 pm while i was safeway and going home.
bartolo called 8:30 am outside ready to roll while i was getting taxes together. i changed clothes, brushed my teeth, lucky's free coke big lots free water i picked up amino for toki. discussed what i wanted to do bartolo had to take his brother to taxes. got to chase i forgot my card drove back home. withdrew then main 9:45 am i signed up for taxes. 11:15 my turn, done 12:30 i walked over to st just before rain. 15 minutes in front of church. my phone didn't ring again. missed call. i saw hopper across street and waved my arms. home safe.
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