CARE

WHAT I CARE ABOUT IS PEOPLE'S SOULS.  GERDA PUTS UP WITH ROSE'S NONSENSE AND IT ENCOURAGES ROSE TO BE GREEDY.  ROSE KNOWS BETTER AND DOESN'T DO BETTER.  WHEN IT SUITS HER AND SHE SEES AN ADVANTAGE SHE ACTS GENEROUSLY.  BUT SHE ISN'T.  SHE'S CALCULATING.  I'M NOT SURE SHE EVEN HAS CONTROL OVER IT.  IT MAY BE TOO INGRAINED IN HER.  I ONLY KNOW IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM AND MY CONCERN EXTENDS ONLY TO THE IMPACT ON GERDA. 

feeling lonely

I HAVE SO MUCH COMPANY ON THE OTHER SIDE.  I MUST BE BETTER.  I CAN FEEL LONELY.  USUALLY I JUST AVOID FEELING SICK OR TOO MUCH PAIN.  LONELINESS IS A STEP UP.  OR HAVE I ADJUSTED TO THIS LEVEL.  WAIT AND SEE.

I'M FEELING INTIMIDATED BY "AILEEN/"/CINDY NEXT DOOR.  IT MAKES ME SAD.  I LOVE MY SISTERS.  WE SURVIVED CRAZY MOM AND DAD.  BUT THE COST IS SO HIGH.  I'M DOING AND BEING ALL I CAN.  AS I RAISE MY VIBRATIONS I'LL DRAG THEM ALONG.

MY BODY HURTS FROM THE LITTLE BIT I DID YESTERDAY.  I WAS CAREFUL TO WORK EARLY AND GET PLENTY OF REST.

11:13- I DON'T WANT TO GO "HOME".  I WANT TO SIT IN MY CAR AND DO MONOPOLY.  I'M GETTING HUNGRY.  I'M AT LUCKY'S PARKED IN THE SHADE.  I GOT MY FREE TEA.  AND CLEARANCE COCONUT SNACKS.  I COULD HANG OUT HERE.  I'M SO TIRED.

I DID MY SUNDAY ROUTINE OF EXERCISE AND SHOPPING.  I FORGOT SALADS.  BACK TO THE STORE.  I'M FEELING BETTER.

5:30 I'M SLEEPY.  NEXT DOOR PUT OUT THE TREE TRIMMING.  AND IT MAY RAIN. 

I'M DOING MONOPOLY TICKETS.  MAYBE 150. 

WHAT A SILLY GIRL AM I.  I JUST REALIZED I BOUGHT CLEARANCE CHOCOLATE CROISSANTS WHEN I HAVE ALL THOSE FREE COUPONS. 

HEMO THE MAGNIFICENT

1957 FRANK CAPRA.  6TH, 7TH, 8TH GRADES I WATCHED ALONG WITH DONALD DUCK IN MATHMAGIC LAND.  IT GAVE ME MY LOVE OF SCIENCE AND MATH.  I FOUND A CLEAN DVD OF DONALD AT ST J.  AND WHILE INSTALLING MY PANTRY BOOKCASE PURCHASED AT ST J HEMO SWAM INTO MY BRAIN.  IT'S ON YOU TUBE.  HOW EXCITING IS THAT.  I'M A PERSON OF SIMPLE PLEASURES. 

BELL SYSTEMS SCIENCE SERIES.

TOBACCO

PULLS ME INTO MY BODY.  I GUESS BECAUSE IT BECAME PART OF MY DNA IN UTERUS.  MOM'S SECOND HAND SMOKING WHEN SHE WAS LIGHTING DAD'S CHAIN SMOKING WHILE COMPLAINING TO MAKE HIM SEEM UNATTRACTIVE TO OTHER WOMEN.

CRITICISM TEARING DOWN THE LOVE OBJECT TO ENSURE POSSESSION.  MAKE THEM INSECURE, OFF BALANCE, AFRAID TO LEAVE.

I BECOME AWARE OF MY FINGERS AND FEET.  MY EXTREMITIES.  I NEED A REPLACEMENT.  I KNOW THE EFFECTS OF DRYNESS, ALLERGY, AND BEING A NIGHTSHADE PLANT IS BAD FOR ARTHRITIS.  OR MAYBE NOT.  A TINCTURE OF CONTROLLED POISON ANTIDOTE.  I'D LIKE MY ALLERGIES GONE.

I'M SPENDING THE DAY IN BED.  I NAPPED 45 MIN.  I'M COOKING GRASS FED ANGUS BEEF STEW IN THE CROCK POT.

i'm feeling full of dread and fear.  this room has 55 year;s of fear in it.

TWO WEEKS TOO EARLY

I REMEMBERED TOMORROW IS THE FOURTH.  MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH US.  STAR WARS DAY HIS DAD'S BIRTHDAY.  WALTER SR DIED LAST OCTOBER.  IN O'CONNOR'S HOSPITAL.  SO I CALLED HIM FROM SENIORS AND LEFT A MESSAGE SAYING I HOPED HE WAS OK AND I HAD FREE ANTACIDS FOR HIM...  HE APPEARED.  WE HAD A NICE CHAT COMMISERATING.  I GAVE HIM COOKIES AND ALL THE SAFEWAY FREEBIES IN THE FOREVER XXI BAG. 

I DECIDED HE'S ERIC'S REPLACEMENT LITTLE BROTHER.  INGE AND GERDA ARE MY REPLACEMENT SISTERS.

AFTER EXERCISE I WENT TO ST JUSTIN'S AND DIDN'T FIND ANYTHING AND REMEMBERED THE POST ON THE ANNOUNCEMENT BOARD OF THE LOS ALTOS RUMMAGE SALE THIS MONTH,  I WASN'T SURE ABOUT THE HOURS BUT I KNEW IT OPENED 9 AM.  2:30 I DROVE UP AND IT'S IN TWO WEEKS.  I HAD TO LAUGH.

SO DROVE AROUND AND WENT TO MOUNTAIN VIEW GOODWILL THINKING ABOUT CJ, RON BUTLER LOOKING AT ALL THE CHANGES. 

I GOT HOME AT 4 AND RESISTED THE LURE OF THE TV.  I REMEMBERED I HAVE A SMART METER NOW AND ALL USE BEFORE 7 PM IS HIGHER.  I HAVE TO BE AS SMART AS THE METER. 

i need more naps

I COULD TAKE MORE NAPS.  I NEED MORE CARE.

I'M STILL LEARNING HOW TO DO THAT.  I NEVER NEEDED OR GOT THAT FROM ANYONE.  THE BARE MINIMUM TO STAY ALIVE.  HOW MY FAMILY TREATED ME AND I LEARNED TO TREAT MYSELF.  MORE THAN THE MINIMUM MAKES ME FEEL GUILTY.

SHOWER ME WITH GOOD.

I FINALLY TOLD INGA AND GERDA I'D DO FOR THEM BUT NOT NEVER GRATEFUL ROSE.  THE GERDA TELLS ME HOW ROSE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HER AND STILL GERDA IS BENDING OVER BACKWARDS.  PUTTING UP WITH IT IS SELF ABUSE.  IT'S NOT ALRIGHT.

AFTER MOM WAS ABUSED AND NEGLECTED BY MY SISTERS ON HER LAST MOTHER'S DAY I STOPPED DOING WHAT THEY WANTED.  THEY COULDN'T TORTURE MOM ANYMORE.  AND I COULD IGNORE THEIR INSANE DEMANDS.

IT STILL HURTS ME THOUGH.

RETARD

MY FAMILY LOVED TO CALL ME LAZY, SLOW, OVERLY SENSITIVE, UNFEELING, INSENSITIVE, WHATEVER THEY WERE FEELING AT THE TIME.  ALL PROJECTION.  MY CHILDHOOD WAS VERY CONFUSING.

MY MOM LOVED TELLING HOW THEY THOUGHT I WAS RETARDED UNTIL I TESTED GIFTED IN KINDERGARTEN PLACEMENT TESTS.  HOW I WAS SLOW TO WALK WHEN IN HAWAII EVERYONE CARRIED ME.

I DIDN'T TALK, I HAD NOTHING TO SAY.  TRY TALKING IN A CRAZY FAMILY AND SEE WHAT YOU GET.  SLAPPED, PUNISHED.  I STILL DON'T TALK UNLESS I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.  AND THEN I MEASURE MY WORDS AND CONSIDER WHAT I SAY.  I DON'T TALK TO HEAR THE SOUND OF MY VOICE.  I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH THE SOUND OF MY VOICE UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE.

aagh!!  I DID IT AGAIN.  I GOT THE CITY UTILITY BILL.  TWO MONTHS OF LEAVING ON LIGHTS.  $200 AND $234.  I'VE BEEN WATCHING DVDS ALL NIGHT WHEN I CAN'T SLEEP AND FORGETTING TO SHUT OFF THE PLAYER WHEN I TURN OFF THE TV AND COMING HOME EARLY AND WATCHING SHOWS.  AND THE LIVING ROOM LIGHT WAS ON AT 11:30.  OH, WELL.  TYGJ I CAN COVER IT.

I'M OK.  ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY TO FORGIVE MYSELF.  HEY, I'M HUMAN.

I CAN FEEL MY MOTHER'S PROJECTED SELF HATRED.

I TALKED TO KELLY UNTIL THE BOOK MOBILE.  I HAD TO TELL CODY PETE WOULDN'T BE THERE AND I WANTED TO SEE IF HE HAD NEW MOVIES.

I'M PLAYING MORE AND TAKING CARE OF ME.  I WENT TO ST J AND BOUGHT A DRAGON EAR CUFF AND A BIRCH FOLDING PANTRY SHELF $13.08.  IF I'D KNOWN HOW MUCH THE ELECTRIC BILL WAS I WOULDN'T HAVE TREATED MYSELF.  TYGJ.

MY JEALOUS AND VINDICTIVE MOTHER IN ME WOULDN'T HAVE LET ME.