ANY DAY NOW

I'M READY TO WIN BIG MONEY AND SCOOT INTO  ARCADIA.

DAD AND AILEEN ARE JEALOUS.  BOTH ONLY THINK OF THEMSELVES AND HOW TO USE OTHERS.

I DON'T OWE ANYBODY ANYTHING.

COVID IS MAKING US HUMAN BEING BY LIMITING OUR DOING.

PANIC

I NEVER HAD THE LUXURY OF SHOWING FEAR.  MY FAMILY WOULD ATTACK ME.  THEY TEASED, HUMILIATED AND CRITICIZED WITHOUT MERCY.  I ASKED MY MOTHER ONCE WHY SHE WAS SO MEAN TO ME SHE SAID IT WAS TO TOUGHEN ME UP.  MY SISTERS HER PRINCESSES WERE MEAN AND CRUEL LIKE HER.  THAT'S WHAT THEY CONSIDERED TOUGH.  MEAN AND CRUEL PEOPLE ARE WEAK.  IT'S MUCH TOUGHER TO BE NICE AND THOUGHTFUL.

I'VE RECREATED THE JUMBLE I HAD LIVING IN SAN JOSE, RADIO AVE.  WHEN I WAS MOVING FROM GILROY I ASKED FOR GUIDANCE AND ON WAKING THE SONG 'ON THE RADIO' PLAYED IN MY HEAD.  I HAD LOOKED AT A DOZEN APARTMENTS.  EACH APPLICATION CHARGED $10 FOR A CREDIT CHECK.  I APPLIED THIS ONLY AND THEY CALLED ME THE SAME DAY ACCEPTING.  I WAS STILL WORKING EL TORO MORGAN HILL.  I COMMUTED EASILY IN THE OFF COMMUTE DIRECTION.

I HAD YET TO GET MY DIVORCE.  IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO MOVE FROM GILROY.  I WAS PRETTY HAPPY LIVING RADIO.  GOT SICK DID VISION QUEST, WON GYM MEMBERSHIP.  THE ONLY THING I MISS NOW.  I STARTED DOING KARAOKE LINCOLN AV LOCAL BAR WITH ERIC.  LIKE HE CAME TO MY LOCATION.

I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS TERRIFIED OF MICROPHONES UNTIL I GOT UP TO SING.

TOM PROMISED WATER FILTER DELIVERY DECIDED I PICK THEM UP FROM DELLA.  I TALKED TO HER HALF HOUR MOVING AROUND FRONT DOOR.  NOTHING FROM THEM IS A GIFT, THERE'S ALWAYS A PRICE.

TOMORROW ANXIETY

MOM'S 19TH DEATH-A-VERSARY.  I WOKE 4 AM CALMLY KNOWING I'M OK.   I CAN NAP WHEN I'M TIRED.  I CAN REST WHEN I FEEL TIRED.  I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.  I DON'T NEED MORE.

I CAN BE HAPPY WITH WHAT I HAVE WHERE I AM.

MY CHOICE.  EMPOWERING.

i don't know 5/11 MONDAY

REASSURING I DON'T HAVE TO KNOW.  GOD KNOWS I DON'T KNOW AND LOVES ME.  THROUGHOUT ALL MY TURMOILS I WAS SAVED.  I SOUND LIKE AMAZING GRACE.

SITTING IN LINE SENIORS.  9;55 AFTER $TORE AND PANERA I WAS STILL THIRD.

EVERYBODY MUST BE ONLINE.  INTERNET SLOW WHEN IT WORKS AT ALL.  AT HOME TOO.  I COULD GO TO A HOT SPOT.

I FOUND A FROZEN SPOT IN FREEZER.  A-D-D.  MY ALLERGIES ARE KICKING UP WITH THE WIND.  REMINDS ME OF MARY POPPINS BLOWING IN ON THE WIND.  QUITE THE BLUSTERY DAY WINNIE THE POOH.  IT'S RAINING IN THE NORTH.

FINALLY 4 PM PLAYING TOKEN GAME.

ramtha-j z knight

CHECKING IN

I'M WATCHING MOVIES; I REMEMBER MAMA , CESAR 911, LIFE WITH FATHER.  LOVE BOAT IS BACK 2 HOURS.  I'M EATING AS MUCH AS I CAN RE SETTING MY METABOLISM.  I BOUGHT STEAK AND WHITE CHEDDAR PANERA 2 CHOCOLATE CROISSANTS.  SO GOOD. 

TOMORROW AGAIN.  LAST DAY$5 OFF.  TYGJ.

obsess

I DID MY GAMES ON THIS LOVELY COOL OVERCAST DAY.  YESTERDAY WAS 90. 

MY LATEST CONCERN IS THE WATER FILTER.  I NEED NEW.  I'VE ALWAYS HAD EXTRAS.  THIS IS NEW FOR ME.  RUNNING OUT OF SOMETHING I NEED.  THAT'S WHY EVERYONE RELIED ON ME WHILE DENIGRATING ME AT THE SAME TIME.  THAT INGRATITUDE PRECLUDED THEM GAINING ANY BENEFIT.  AND I'M NO LONGER THE RESCUER.  I USED TO FEEL OBLIGATED TO HELP WHENEVER AND WHERE EVER.  I'M NO LONGER AN ALL DAY SUCKER.  I'M FREE.

I CALLED TOM TO WISH HIM HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SAID HELLO TO DELLA AND WHEN HE ASKED IF I NEEDED ANYTHING I ASKED IF CVS HAD BRITA FILTERS HE OFFERED TO GET 4 AND DROP THEM OFF.  I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO COSTCO OR ANYWHERE ELSE UNLESS I CHOOSE. 

A LADY CAME TO THE FRONT DOOR ASKING FOR CACTUS.  I SAID SURE AND SHE HANDED ME 10 DOLLARS.  HALF MY BRITA FILTERS.  I THOUGHT OF CATHY BUT LAST TIME I SENT MONEY SHE DIDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE SO NO. 

I'M EATING AS MUCH AS I CAN IN AN EFFORT TO RESET MY METABOLISM.  I WENT TO ARQUES PANERA 2 SANDWICHES TOMORROW.  AND I SENIORS.  I ATE AN APPLE AND ORANGE. 

VERY UNCOMFORTABLE

I'M EATING MY FEELINGS.  LIFE IS ALL ABOUT FEELING. 

ADDICTIONS ARE ALL ABOUT DENYING, CHANGING, CONTROLLING FEELINGS.  CHANGING THE BODY'S CHEMISTRY.  EATING IN ANY FORM AFFECTS THE BODY.  CHEWING GUM HAS A CALMING EFFECT.  MAYBE WHY COWS SEEM CALM. 

I'M HAVING GILROY FLASHBACKS.  BOTHERING ME MORE THAN I KNEW.  AILEEN NEGLECTING, ABUSING HER KIDS.  LIKE MOM.  I COULDN'T BLAME AILEEN FOR MOM'S EXAMPLE.  AND YET MORE LIKE DAD.  ACTING OUT.  CHEATING.  BRAGGING.  SHE HAS MITZI OPPRESSED LIKE DAD HAD MOM USING FEAR, INTIMIDATION THREATS.  I'M SURE MITZI THINKS I'M UNAWARE OF THE EXTENT OF THEIR COLLUSION TO CHEAT ME OF MOM'S ESTATE.  IT JUST MAKES ME SAD.

MY ENTIRE CHILDHOOD WAS ABUSIVE AND SAD.  I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH BAGS AND PAPERS FROM 2014-15.  I'VE BEEN SO DEEPLY IN DENIAL HOW MUCH I HURT, HOW DEEPLY I'M SCARRED.  PROBABLY EVERY TIME MITZI MAKES AN OVERTURE I KNOW INSTIGATED BY AILEEN.  LIKE THE WHOLE ROOFING-HOUSE PAINTING ORDEAL ENFORCED BY THE HOME INSURANCE COMPANY BECAUSE OF AILEEN'S MACHINATIONS.  I'M FAMILIAR WITH HER PLOYS.

MY DISTRACTIONS ARE A BREAK FROM THE PAIN AND DEPRESSION.  NICOTINE GUM IS MADE IN DENMARK.