6;30 CHANNEL 9.2

CLASSICAL STRETCH.  I'M GETTING BACK TO EXERCISE.  TODAY IS FASCIA.  ESSENTRICS IS HALF WAY DANCE.  I WANT TO DANCE MY WAY THROUGH LIFE.  I DESERVE TO LIVE THE LIFE I CHOOSE.

OOH OOH I CAN BBQ IN THE TOASTER OVEN.  MAYBE MY INSPIRATION I'M WAITING FOR IS CULINARY.  I'M READY.  I MIXED DIPPING CORN CHIPS WITH KETTLE BBQ POTATO CHIPS.  DELICIOUS.

I DON'T KNOW.

THEY DIDN'T LOVE ME BECAUSE THEY WERE ADDICTED.  CODEPENDENTS.

lovely cool

SO FAR SO GOOD.  WOKE AT 6 WATCHED 9.2 MR ROGERS, 6;30 CLASSICAL STRETCH.  I DID HALF AND SAT.  SOAKED CHEERIOS WHILE I COLLECTED SALT PEPPER PACKETS.  I CAN NEVER FIND MY BLACK PEPPER.  I CAN USE THE SALT FOR MY PASTA.

angels around us

if the page is open with a disconnection it erases.

I WOKE TO MY ANGEL TEAM DISCUSSING ERIC/CAR HEALING DONE AND NEXT ORDER OF BUSINESS AILEEN.  I'M LETTING GO.  LAST NIGHT SITTING WATCHING CHANNEL 5 COMEDIES I GOT BORED AND CUT 4 INCHES OFF MY HAIR. 

DAILY WORD 'EAGER'.  AND I AM.  I LIKE KEEPING IT IN CAR AND BEING PLEASANTLY SURPRISED.  SO MANY OF THE FAMILY SURPRISES WERE HORRIBLE. 

I PUT LAUNDRY IN CAR.  I'M STILL GETTING USED TO DOING IN STAGES.  I'M SO PROGRAMMED THROUGH THREATS AND INTIMIDATION TO FORCING MYSELF TO BURN OUT. 

TODAY I REMEMBERED MY WET TOWEL AND SCARF.  IT SEEMS HOTTER THAN YESTERDAY AND TOMORROW MAY RAIN. 

I WENT TO TARGET AND WALKED THE STORE.  MY HIPS ARE SO SORE THEY NEEDED STRETCHING.  NOW I'M SWEATY AND BETTER.  I WASHED OFF LUNCH NUMBER FOR MY BOCA BURGER. 

I THOUGHT I WANTED 5 DOLLAR FRIDAY FRESH FRUIT FLAN.  I DON'T KNOW.  ADS CAME LAST NIGHT.  I HAVE FREE COUPON DONUT AND SENIOR LUNCH CAKE, 2 RICE CRISPY SQUARES.  I CAN STILL GO TONIGHT IF I WANT.

secret

I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO VOCAL TRACK OF SECRET ALL NIGHT.  MY FAMILY TAUGHT ME TO LISTEN CAREFULLY.  SO I HAD A STRONG RESISTANCE TO ANYTHING ANYONE SAID UNTIL PROVEN VALID.  I TOOK KAVA AND TURMERIC.  SO I SLEPT PRETTY WELL.  STILL TIRED IN MIND, BODY, SPIRIT.  97 o DAYS ARE BARELY TOLERABLE.

AS FAR AS WHAT TO DO TODAY, LAST MONOPOLY DAY.  SO SAFEWAY.  TRY FOR ALL 3?  GO FOR GOLD.  WHAT I DO IS GOLD. 

I STILL HAVE LAUNDRY I WANT TO DO BUT NOT OVER DO.  I LOVE CLEAN FRESH CLOTHES.  MAYBE TOMORROW MAYBE NEXT WEEK.  JUNE. 

I SKIPPED HALF OF JAMIE AND WENT TO MARIA SAFEWAY.  FOUND ALMOST EVERYTHING I WANTED.  I REMEMBERED I WANTED WALMART GUM AND JETTED OVER BY 9;15 LONG PHARMACY LINE.  WALKED THE STORE LOVELY COLD.  10 AM SENIOR LUNCH LINE.  A LITTLE COOLER TODAY.  I FORGOT COOLING TOWEL AND USED HANKIE AND WATER FROM SWIM BAG. 

I SKIPPED HALF OF JAMIE AND WENT MARIA SAFEWAY FOR MOST OF WHAT I WANTED.  DRIVING I DECIDED WALMART GUM AND MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.  LONG SLOW LINE SO DIRECTLY SENIORS 10 AM.  THEN SCU SAFEWAY DONUTS AND CLEARANCE SEAFOOD SALADS MY FAVORITE FOR DINNER.. 

I DROPPED OFF BREAD TO TOKI.  PETER  WAS OUT WALKING HIS CUTE LITTLE LONG HAIRED DACHSHUND, TOKI CALLED TO THANK ME AND PETER=MERRICK.  I'VE BEEN CALLING HIM PETER FOR 2 YEARS. 

just breathe

I'M FEELING STUNNED, SHELL SHOCKED.  AND IT'S BEEN 97 o.  I'M SWEATING A LAKE.  MAYBE TOMORROW LAUNDRY.  MY SALT IS PROBABLY LOW.  I MAY BE DEHYDRATED.

DOLLAR STORE SNACKS.  SO SLOW.  ALL THE GIRL CHECKERS GONE. 3 MEN AND STEPHANIE.  STOOD IN LINE FOREVER.

I WENT TO CARLOS' PAID DISCOVER.  HE HAS A HABIT OF DISAPPEARING.  I ATE A CROISSANT AND LEFT COUPONS FOR NICE LADY NEXT SHOP.  PICKED UP ALMONDS.  I'M EATING THEM.  

10 AM LONG LUNCH LINE ALREADY.  

OMG

I'VE NEVER FELT SUCH EMOTIONAL PAIN.  I NUMBED OUT ALL MY LIFE.  FIRST I WAS WAS TAUGHT SUPPRESSION FROM MY ABUSIVE MOTHER AND LEARNED TO USE TOBACCO FROM MY CHAIN SMOKING FATHER. 

QUITTING SMOKING LEAVES ME WIDE OPEN WITHOUT A BUFFER OR EXPERIENCE TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN OF THE HUMAN CONDITION.

I JUST HAVE TO TRUST THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

SMOG DONE.  I TOOK CARLOS THE LENTILS, ALMONDS AND SANITIZER.  HE TESTED AND EVERYTHING WAS GOOD,  HE TOOK OFF WITH THE CAR TO A SMOG SHOP.  SAID 10 MINUTES BUT AN HOUR LATER I WAS WORRIED.  I LEFT MY PHONE IN THE CAR SO NEXT DOOR WAS NICE ENOUGH TO LET ME CALL.  HE NEEDED TO DRIVE THE CAR 40 MILES TO RESET COMPUTER.  THE OXYGEN SENSOR IS GOOD.  THE COMPUTER NEEDS TO RESET AFTER BEING WIPED.  IT NEEDS TO BE DRIVEN. 

I WENT 11;20 TO SENIOR LUNCH LINE AND THEY HAVE ME PASTA BUT I MISTAKENLY THOUGHT I ORDERED BOCA BURGER.  I WAITED WALKING AROUND BLOCK 'TIL 12;15 TO PICK UP BURGER.  SO I HAD LUNCH AND DINNER.  I TALKED TO TOKI, ART, SYDNEY, WALTER. 

GOT HOME EXHAUSTED, ATE, SIESTA 2 TO 5. 

I'M FEELING WRUNG OUT.

foolish

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HUMANS AND HUM-ANI-MALS IS PLAYING OUT.  FEAR IS RAMPANT.  LOVE IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER.

8;46 I'M DRESSED AND READY TO REST.  I PUT OUT BINS.  I WAS THINKING OF DOLLAR STORE MAYBE NOT.

I WAITED FOR INSPIRATION.  I STARTED ADDING A POCKET AND RE MAKING THE AUTUMN DRESS. 

I COOKED TAYLOR FARM VEGGIES.  RAMEN NOODLES ONLY 1 SERVING AND SOY GINGER SAUCE VERY SPICY CHILI.  I MADE SMALL SPAGHETTI AND ADDED CAN CHILI. 

3;30 I CRIED FOR ERIC.  I'VE BEEN FEELING GUILTY I DIDN'T DO ENOUGH.  I CAN GIVE ERIS LENTILS AND ALMONDS I CAN'T MAKE HIM EAT THEM.  I TRANSFERRED MY ANXIETY TO CARLOS.  I'VE BEEN FREE FLOATING ANXIOUS ALL MONTH AND NOW I KNOW SPECIFICALLY.  I'M AFRAID CARLOS WILL BE LIKE ERIC.  I'LL HAVE TO WATCH ANOTHER DIE SUFFERING. 

I NEED HEALTHY, HAPPY FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

ANOTHER LAYER

DIFFICULT HARD TIME FALLING AND STAYING ASLEEP.  WOKE IN A DEPRESSED PANIC OVER CAR/CARLOS/ERIC ALL JUMBLED UP.  ERIC'S TRAGIC LIFE AND DEATH FEELS LIKE I DIED, MOM AND DAD ALL OVER AGAIN. 

I FORGOT JAMIE OLIVER.  CAUGHT LAST 5 MINUTES PASTA TOSS.  SO DELICIOUS.

I LET GOD DO THE SHOPPING AT LUCKY'S AND BURGER KING.  I'M FEELING TOO WOUNDED. 

'GREEN ACRES' MARATHON ON LIGHT TV 9 AM TO 8 PM.  ALWAYS MAKES ME LAUGH AND I NEED TO LAUGH.  AND HALF HOUR NAP. 

CAN'T PUT OUT GREEN, RECYCLE, GARBAGE BINS NEXT DOOR PARKING SO TOMORROW.

HIPPOS-HYPOCRITES

NO THERE ARE SKINNY HYPOCRITES.  AILEEN STARVED HERSELF ON A REGULAR BASIS.  HER ATTEMPT TO NOT BE MOM AND YET BOTH AILEEN AND MITZI ARE THE SPITTING IMAGES.  MOM'S YO YO DIETING.

I'VE MANAGED TO BALANCE MY EMOTIONAL WITH PHYSICAL PAIN.  THIS TIME I'M WELL AWARE AND IT'S A CONSCIOUS CHOICE.  YESTERDAY I WORE MY BRACE AND ORGANIZED, GARDENED, FINISHED REMODELING THE JUMPER TO MY SATISFACTION.  WOKE UP WITH CAR, TEETH NIGHTMARES I FELT OK, LOWER BACK RIGHT HIP NEEDING STRETCHING.  3 HOURS MOVIN' AND GROOVIN' I'M FEELING GOOD.  NO ANXIETY PANIC ANGER OR FEAR.

I PUT OUT ANTS ON CHICKEN BONES AND RECYCLE IN BIN.  SUPPLEMENTS ARE READY FOR THE WEEK.  I'M THINKING PASTA FAGIOLI FOR LUNCH. 

LIFE IS ONE BIG EXPERIMENT TO ME. 

1 PM I STARTED SHAKING.  I FORGOT TO EAT NOT FEELING HUNGRY.   LOW BLOOD SUGAR.  I DID FINISH TURNING THE SKIRT/SHORTS INTO A SKIRT.  IT WAS TOO HOT, THICK AND HEAVY.

I USED THE QUICK MAC TO COOK RED WHITE GREEN PASTA AND ADDED BAKED BEANS. 

I FIGURED OUT THE 2014-15 BLOCK.  MITZI, CRAIG AND THE BOYS CHANGED THE LOCKS AND SANDED THE FRONT DOOR TO KEEP IT FROM SCRAPING WHEN SHE CAME SCAVENGING.  THEY LEFT A QUARTER INCH GAP AT BOTTOM THE WINTER WIND CAME SCREAMING THROUGH.  THEY WOULDN'T FIX IT.  I SET A PIECE OF WOOD IN FRONT OF THE GAP AND STEPPED OVER THE PLANK.  JULY MY RIGHT LEG COLLAPSED AS I WAS STEPPING OVER THE BOARD FALLING ON THE CONCRETE PORCH  BRUISING MY RIGHT SIDE AND WRENCHING MY NECK.  I'M STILL REHABBING THE PINCHED NERVE IN MY LOWER BACK.   

feeling small

I'M TAKING KAVA IN AN ATTEMPT TO LIGHTEN MY MOOD.  DID SO MUCH YESTERDAY SEWING, BREWING COFFEE, ORGANIZING.  RUNNING FROM MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS.  AND IT WORKS TO A POINT.

I WORE MY BRACE AND WAS ABLE TO SLEEP A LITTLE.  ENOUGH TO REMEMBER I NEED TO GET GAS TODAY.  I FINALLY FIGURED THAT ONE OUT.  KEEPING THE MUSCLES AND NERVES ALIGNED IS THE TRICK.

I ATE BURGER FOR BREAKFAST.  I LIKE THE PROTEIN. 

I CAN FEEL MY BACK COMPRESSING WITHOUT THE BRACE.  THE GOOD PART IS I CAN FEEL IT, THE BAD IT'S SO WEAK.  AND NO NAUSEA.  HURRAH!

I BOUGHT MORE COFFEE FILTERS.  I CAN'T FIND WHAT I HAD.  I ALWAYS PUT THEM SOMEWHERE LOGICAL.  OF COURSE THE STEP SISTERS MAY HAVE STOLEN THEM.  I CAN USE THE FILTERS IN MASKS.  I BOUGHT THE MASKS BECAUSE OF MY ALLERGIES NEVER THINKING OF COFFEE FILTERS.

SO, 10 AM 3RD IN LINE.  AND NO INTERNET RECEPTION.  WHAT A DIFFERENCE 500 YARDS MAKE.  LIKE HAND GRENADES AND HORSE SHOES.

NEWS HAD DAYTONA CAR RACE COVERAGE AND I WAS STRUCK WITH THE WASTE OF RESOURCES.  SUCH A TREMENDOUS WASTE OF TIME.  MANKIND'S IMMATURITY.  LIKE SPORTS.  BASHING AND BEATING EACH OTHER FOR BRAGGING RIGHTS.  HOW ABOUT COMPETING IN HOME BUILDING AND RAISING FOOD.  SOMETHING USEFUL AND TRULY IMPORTANT.  MAKES ME GLAD I WON'T LIVE FOREVER AND SAD FOR THE KIDS.  WHAT A WORLD.  WHAT A MESS.  WE ONLY HAD TO WORRY ABOUT NUCLEAR WAR. 

LUNCH HAD CORN REMINDED ME HALF COB TO FINISH. 

NEWS STORIES OF DETERIORATING MENTAL HEALTH.  SUPPOSEDLY VIOLENT CRIMES, ABUSE UP.  I CONTEND JUST MORE APPARENT.  WHAT'S BEEN HIDDEN IS NOW OUT IN THE LIGHT. 

STILL MISSING ERIC

MY LITTLE BROTHER.  I'M STILL MISSING MY LITTLE BRO.  I WANTED TO MAKE HIS LIFE EASIER BUT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE I DID.  AT LEAST HE HAD STEPHANIE WHEN HIS DAD WAS MURDERED IN FRONT OF HIS EYES.  SHE WAS MORE LIKE ROSE/AILEEN THAN I WANTED TO ADMIT TO MYSELF.  OR MAYBE COULD HAVE ADMITTED TO MYSELF.  WOULDN'T HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE.  ERIC NEVER LISTENED TO ME.  NEVER VALUED ME.  LIKE HIS MOTHER NEVER VALUED HIM.  I CAN STILL SEE THE LOOK OF DISBELIEF AND SHOCK ON HER FACE WHEN ERIC DIED IN O'CONNOR'S HOSPITAL 6/13/2017 TEN DAYS AFTER HIS 61 BIRTHDAY.  HIS ROOM WAS FILLED WITH SWEETS.  SUGAR FEEDS CANCER.

I'M RESOLVED TO MOM DYING MAY 13, 2001.  IT'S TAKEN 19 YEARS.  ERIC'S DEATH IS STILL TOO SAD AND RAW.  I KNEW HIM 25 YEARS.

I'M FEELING SO ANGRY AT LIFE.

TV

OR NOT TV, THAT IS THE QUESTION.  BOOKS AND TV WERE MY ESCAPE FROM THE ADDAMS/MUNSTER FAMILY.  TV BECAME MY FAMILY FROM 8 YEARS OLD WHEN WE GOT ONE.

LOTS OF PEOPLE MUST HAVE MONSTER FAMILIES THEREFORE THE POPULARITY OF MONSTER THEMED SHOWS.

WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE SIMPLE AND EASY.  AS I WAS LEAVING I CUT DOWN THISTLES AROUND LILAC.  E Z P Z.   AND I STARTED TO CRITICIZE MYSELF FOR TODD'S OVER GROWING KIWI VINES AND STOPPED MYSELF.  THAT'S DAD'S GOOD BUDDY NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. 

JUST REALIZED AFTER CALLING GREEN SMOG ABOUT RETEST AND $10 EXTRA FOR OLDER CAR ERIC'S DEATH DAY COMING UP.  EVEN THOUGH HE DIED JUNE 2017 HE'S STILL TAKING CARE OF ME AND MY CARS.  JUNE 2018 I GOT THE OVERWHELMING URGE TO SHOP FOR A CAR ONLINE AND WHEN I FINALLY TEST DROVE PALO ALTO TOYOTA I KNEW IT WAS NEXT CAR.  MY CAR ANXIETY.  MY MOBILITY.  I DROVE THE 1998 HAD 60 K MILES WHEN I BOUGHT IT FOR 10 YEARS.  MY 2008 30 K MILES WHEN I BOUGHT IT.  I HAVEN'T OWNED TOO MANY CARS.  DODGE, DATSUN, SENTRA, COROLLA, AND COROLLA.  EACH ONE A LITTLE BETTER.

SITTING GREEN SMOG SUNNYVALE FEELING ANXIETY MY FREEDOM, MOBILITY.  OK IT DIDN'T PASS.  I CALLED CARLOS ASKED HIS ADVICE FOR SMOG AND REPAIR.  I ASKED HOW HIS EYE SURGERY WAS GOOD.  HE SAID BRING IT NEXT WEEK AND HE'LL CHECK OXYGEN SENSOR OLD OR OK.  MONDAY MEMORIAL DAY OR TUE. 

STOPPED AT BK FOR 2/1 WHOPPER DINNER.  I LOVE COUPONS.

AND MY BACK IS SO SORE.  ESPECIALLY PELVIS AND HIPS.  ALMOST NAUSEA.  AND MY NECK IS POPPING AND CRACKING.  I USED TO THINK IT WAS ALL IN MY NECK UNTIL I REALIZED THE SOUND TRAVELS UP MY SPINE AND I CAN ONLY HEAR IT WHEN IT GETS TO MY EARS.

I'M FEELING EXHAUSTED.  EMOTIONALLY PHYSICALLY.

alone and desperate

AFTER WE CAME HERE.  I WAS 4.  AFTER A BIG SEND OFF IN HAWAII WE LANDED IN SAN FRANCISCO AT NIGHT THE LIGHTS OF THE CITY AND RUNWAY LOOKING LIKE FAIRY LAND.  IMMIGRANTS TO A NEW WORLD.  THE NEXT MORNING I WOKE UP ALONE IN THE COLD, QUIET AND DARK.  EVERYONE I KNEW AND LOVED WHO LOVED ME GONE.

THUS BEGAN MY CHRONIC DEPRESSION.  IT WAS WORSE AFTER MITZI WAS BORN UNTIL SHE WAS 6 MONTHS.  THEN I HAD A LIVE DOLL TO RAISE.  MY RESPONSIBILITY.  AILEEN WAS 10 NOT JUST TWICE AS OLD BUT TWICE AS BIG.  I WAS TRAPPED, IMPRISONED WITH BULLIES.  AILEEN PERFECTED HER SADISM.

I WAS POWERLESS, TORMENTED.  MY ATTENTION DEFICIT GAVE ME RESPITE.  I WOULDN'T HAVE SURVIVED OTHERWISE.

MY TV PROGRAMS GIVE ME HOPE FOR A HAPPIER LIFE.  WATCHING WHAT I WANT, CREATING THE LIFE I CHOOSE TO LIVE.  I'M WATCHING SYBIL WITH A NEW UNDERSTANDING.  SHE WAS AN ONLY CHILD CATCHING THE ENTIRE FORCE OF HER CRAZY MOTHER.  I HAD 1/3 MOM HAD 1/6.  MAYBE THAT'S HOW OLD TIME FAMILIES SURVIVED.  DAD HAD 1/5.  HIS OLDER BROTHER DIED.

I FOUND THE TWO DONUTS FROM FRIDAY I THOUGHT I ATE.

the world is catching up

THE FRONT LINE COMPRISED OF ALL THE NECESSARY WORKERS; HEALTH CARE, SAFETY,  GROCERY, DRUG STORE EMPLOYEES, ETC., ARE LIVING MY LIFE WITH MY PARENTS.

AND THIS IS HAPPENING WORLD WIDE.

AND THE GRADUATES BEING ISOLATED.  MY FAMILY IGNORED MY COLLEGE GRADUATION.  NO MENTION.  OH, BOO HOO.

ISOLATION HAS BEEN MY LIFE.  ALL MY LIFE MY FAMILY TAUGHT ME TO LIVE ALONE.  THEY RIDICULED MY FRIENDS.  REFUSED TO ACCEPT ME AND THEM.  JUDGMENT AND DAMNATION.

LAST NIGHT WATCHING MANTIS I WAS AGAIN STRUCK WITH THE HUMAN NEED FOR TERROR AND HOW COVID VIRUS IS THE ULTIMATE.  AN INVISIBLE THREAT TO MANKIND.

YOU'LL SEE IT WHEN YOU BELIEVE IT

THE ENTIRE POST DISAPPEARED.  I FIGURED IT OUT.  THE WEBSITE ERASES IT WHEN IT GOES OFFLINE UNLESS IT'S POSTED.   IF IT'S OPEN IT CAN DISAPPEAR.  A WHOLE NEW DAY.

I WONDER IF IT'LL COME BACK.

NOPE, NOT YET. 

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT YOUR BRAIN WILL IGNORE WHAT YOU SEE. 

SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE IGNORED THE WORLD AND FOCUSED ONLY ON WHAT PERSONAL ANIMAL DESIRES THEY DEEM IMPORTANT IGNORING THE PLANET.  THERE'S TOO MUCH WASTE, POLLUTION DISRESPECTING THE PLANET. 

getting comfortable

TODAY FEELS FAIRLY COMFORTABLE.  MY NECK AND SHOULDERS HAVE STRETCHED OUT.  MY LEGS NEED WORK I'M TRYING TO DO HALF HOUR WITHOUT OVERDOING AND SETTING MYSELF BACK.  BACK.

I'M GOING THROUGH A LOT OF BAGS, CONSOLIDATING, SORTING.

I WENT TO MARIA SAFEWAY FOR $5 FRIDAY CHICKEN/FREE 1.25 L COKE AND CHIPS.  DELICIOUS.  I ATE WITH VERY FRESH BABY ARUGULA.  VERY PUNGENT SPICY.  I LOVE THE BITTERNESS.  GREAT PERFECT FOOD WITH HONEY MUSTARD. 

ANY DAY NOW

I'M READY TO WIN BIG MONEY AND SCOOT INTO  ARCADIA.

DAD AND AILEEN ARE JEALOUS.  BOTH ONLY THINK OF THEMSELVES AND HOW TO USE OTHERS.

I DON'T OWE ANYBODY ANYTHING.

COVID IS MAKING US HUMAN BEING BY LIMITING OUR DOING.

PANIC

I NEVER HAD THE LUXURY OF SHOWING FEAR.  MY FAMILY WOULD ATTACK ME.  THEY TEASED, HUMILIATED AND CRITICIZED WITHOUT MERCY.  I ASKED MY MOTHER ONCE WHY SHE WAS SO MEAN TO ME SHE SAID IT WAS TO TOUGHEN ME UP.  MY SISTERS HER PRINCESSES WERE MEAN AND CRUEL LIKE HER.  THAT'S WHAT THEY CONSIDERED TOUGH.  MEAN AND CRUEL PEOPLE ARE WEAK.  IT'S MUCH TOUGHER TO BE NICE AND THOUGHTFUL.

I'VE RECREATED THE JUMBLE I HAD LIVING IN SAN JOSE, RADIO AVE.  WHEN I WAS MOVING FROM GILROY I ASKED FOR GUIDANCE AND ON WAKING THE SONG 'ON THE RADIO' PLAYED IN MY HEAD.  I HAD LOOKED AT A DOZEN APARTMENTS.  EACH APPLICATION CHARGED $10 FOR A CREDIT CHECK.  I APPLIED THIS ONLY AND THEY CALLED ME THE SAME DAY ACCEPTING.  I WAS STILL WORKING EL TORO MORGAN HILL.  I COMMUTED EASILY IN THE OFF COMMUTE DIRECTION.

I HAD YET TO GET MY DIVORCE.  IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO MOVE FROM GILROY.  I WAS PRETTY HAPPY LIVING RADIO.  GOT SICK DID VISION QUEST, WON GYM MEMBERSHIP.  THE ONLY THING I MISS NOW.  I STARTED DOING KARAOKE LINCOLN AV LOCAL BAR WITH ERIC.  LIKE HE CAME TO MY LOCATION.

I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS TERRIFIED OF MICROPHONES UNTIL I GOT UP TO SING.

TOM PROMISED WATER FILTER DELIVERY DECIDED I PICK THEM UP FROM DELLA.  I TALKED TO HER HALF HOUR MOVING AROUND FRONT DOOR.  NOTHING FROM THEM IS A GIFT, THERE'S ALWAYS A PRICE.

TOMORROW ANXIETY

MOM'S 19TH DEATH-A-VERSARY.  I WOKE 4 AM CALMLY KNOWING I'M OK.   I CAN NAP WHEN I'M TIRED.  I CAN REST WHEN I FEEL TIRED.  I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.  I DON'T NEED MORE.

I CAN BE HAPPY WITH WHAT I HAVE WHERE I AM.

MY CHOICE.  EMPOWERING.

i don't know 5/11 MONDAY

REASSURING I DON'T HAVE TO KNOW.  GOD KNOWS I DON'T KNOW AND LOVES ME.  THROUGHOUT ALL MY TURMOILS I WAS SAVED.  I SOUND LIKE AMAZING GRACE.

SITTING IN LINE SENIORS.  9;55 AFTER $TORE AND PANERA I WAS STILL THIRD.

EVERYBODY MUST BE ONLINE.  INTERNET SLOW WHEN IT WORKS AT ALL.  AT HOME TOO.  I COULD GO TO A HOT SPOT.

I FOUND A FROZEN SPOT IN FREEZER.  A-D-D.  MY ALLERGIES ARE KICKING UP WITH THE WIND.  REMINDS ME OF MARY POPPINS BLOWING IN ON THE WIND.  QUITE THE BLUSTERY DAY WINNIE THE POOH.  IT'S RAINING IN THE NORTH.

FINALLY 4 PM PLAYING TOKEN GAME.

ramtha-j z knight

CHECKING IN

I'M WATCHING MOVIES; I REMEMBER MAMA , CESAR 911, LIFE WITH FATHER.  LOVE BOAT IS BACK 2 HOURS.  I'M EATING AS MUCH AS I CAN RE SETTING MY METABOLISM.  I BOUGHT STEAK AND WHITE CHEDDAR PANERA 2 CHOCOLATE CROISSANTS.  SO GOOD. 

TOMORROW AGAIN.  LAST DAY$5 OFF.  TYGJ.

obsess

I DID MY GAMES ON THIS LOVELY COOL OVERCAST DAY.  YESTERDAY WAS 90. 

MY LATEST CONCERN IS THE WATER FILTER.  I NEED NEW.  I'VE ALWAYS HAD EXTRAS.  THIS IS NEW FOR ME.  RUNNING OUT OF SOMETHING I NEED.  THAT'S WHY EVERYONE RELIED ON ME WHILE DENIGRATING ME AT THE SAME TIME.  THAT INGRATITUDE PRECLUDED THEM GAINING ANY BENEFIT.  AND I'M NO LONGER THE RESCUER.  I USED TO FEEL OBLIGATED TO HELP WHENEVER AND WHERE EVER.  I'M NO LONGER AN ALL DAY SUCKER.  I'M FREE.

I CALLED TOM TO WISH HIM HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SAID HELLO TO DELLA AND WHEN HE ASKED IF I NEEDED ANYTHING I ASKED IF CVS HAD BRITA FILTERS HE OFFERED TO GET 4 AND DROP THEM OFF.  I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO COSTCO OR ANYWHERE ELSE UNLESS I CHOOSE. 

A LADY CAME TO THE FRONT DOOR ASKING FOR CACTUS.  I SAID SURE AND SHE HANDED ME 10 DOLLARS.  HALF MY BRITA FILTERS.  I THOUGHT OF CATHY BUT LAST TIME I SENT MONEY SHE DIDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE SO NO. 

I'M EATING AS MUCH AS I CAN IN AN EFFORT TO RESET MY METABOLISM.  I WENT TO ARQUES PANERA 2 SANDWICHES TOMORROW.  AND I SENIORS.  I ATE AN APPLE AND ORANGE. 

VERY UNCOMFORTABLE

I'M EATING MY FEELINGS.  LIFE IS ALL ABOUT FEELING. 

ADDICTIONS ARE ALL ABOUT DENYING, CHANGING, CONTROLLING FEELINGS.  CHANGING THE BODY'S CHEMISTRY.  EATING IN ANY FORM AFFECTS THE BODY.  CHEWING GUM HAS A CALMING EFFECT.  MAYBE WHY COWS SEEM CALM. 

I'M HAVING GILROY FLASHBACKS.  BOTHERING ME MORE THAN I KNEW.  AILEEN NEGLECTING, ABUSING HER KIDS.  LIKE MOM.  I COULDN'T BLAME AILEEN FOR MOM'S EXAMPLE.  AND YET MORE LIKE DAD.  ACTING OUT.  CHEATING.  BRAGGING.  SHE HAS MITZI OPPRESSED LIKE DAD HAD MOM USING FEAR, INTIMIDATION THREATS.  I'M SURE MITZI THINKS I'M UNAWARE OF THE EXTENT OF THEIR COLLUSION TO CHEAT ME OF MOM'S ESTATE.  IT JUST MAKES ME SAD.

MY ENTIRE CHILDHOOD WAS ABUSIVE AND SAD.  I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH BAGS AND PAPERS FROM 2014-15.  I'VE BEEN SO DEEPLY IN DENIAL HOW MUCH I HURT, HOW DEEPLY I'M SCARRED.  PROBABLY EVERY TIME MITZI MAKES AN OVERTURE I KNOW INSTIGATED BY AILEEN.  LIKE THE WHOLE ROOFING-HOUSE PAINTING ORDEAL ENFORCED BY THE HOME INSURANCE COMPANY BECAUSE OF AILEEN'S MACHINATIONS.  I'M FAMILIAR WITH HER PLOYS.

MY DISTRACTIONS ARE A BREAK FROM THE PAIN AND DEPRESSION.  NICOTINE GUM IS MADE IN DENMARK. 

COURSE IN MIRACLES-page 24?

OUR BRAINS ARE BEING RESET.  THE FIRST CHAPTERS ARE; I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS IS FOR. 

WATCHING A COVID COMMERCIAL ON RE PURPOSING AND USING IMAGINATION AND CREATIVITY.  MAYBE WE'LL LEARN TO BE KINDER AND LESS CONDEMNING. 

I TRIED ORDERING PANERA ONLINE BUT IT REQUIRES COOKIES FOR INFO COLLECTION AND CHROME WON'T ALLOW.  I HAVE PHONE #S.

MY ALLERGIES ARE RAMPANT SO MAYBE IT'S THE NICOTINE GUM IS THE SAME AS SMOKING.  THEY DON'T REALLY KNOW.  THE DOCUMENTARY ON CENTENARIANS ONE OLD GUY CHAIN SMOKED UN FILTERED CIGARETTES EXCEPT WHEN HE STARTED RUNNING MARATHONS AT 70 AND HIS JOB WASHING CARS SO WHO KNOWS.  TOO MANY SMOKERS NEVER HAVE ANY NEG.

I'M HUNGRY.  I STOPPED B KING AND FRIES ARE DELICIOUS.  AFTER A LIFETIME OF DENIAL HAVING WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IS REVOLUTIONARY.  HOPEFULLY TRANSFORMING.

CALLED WALTER TALKED 23+ MINUTES.  HIS SISTER CALLED HIM 5/4 BUT DIDN'T MENTION DAD. 

SLEPT DEEPLY

WOKE IN TOO MUCH LEFT HIP PAIN.  STRETCHED 'TIL IT WAS TOLERABLE.  REARRANGED LOUNGER TABLE.  WATCHING GAME SHOWS; SALE OF CENTURY, SUPERMARKET SWEEP, SPLIT SECOND, BLOCKBUSTERS.  WONDERFUL DISTRACTIONS FROM ACHY BREAK Y BODY.  I KEEP WIGGLING AND STRETCHING TO GET CIRCULATION PAIN RELIEF.  TWISTER.  20 CRUNCHES.

10;16 AM IN LUNCH LINE I FEEL GOOD.  I'M TRYING TO MONITOR HOW MUCH I DO.  I'M SO ATTENTION DEFICIT I KEEP TRYING TO REMEMBER TO LOOK UP TYLOPHORA INDICA IN CASE I LOSE IT FROM BACK YARD.  IT WORKS.  I DON'T HAVE RECEPTION IN THIS SPOT.   I'LL DO IT LATER.  MY BIGGEST HOPE IS MY ALLERGIES WILL GO AWAY 6 MONTHS JUNE QUITTING SMOKING.  I HAD NO ALLERGIES UNTIL I MOVED OUT FROM SECOND HAND SMOKE AND STARTED SMOKING MYSELF.

WEIRD DREAMS

THEN ON CHANNEL 2 THEY TALKED OF HAVING WEIRD DREAMS.  WE'RE BEING CHALLENGED BY THE PLANET.  OUR BRAINS ARE STRETCHING.

YESTERDAY WITH THE IMPOSSIBLE BURGER IN THE CAR IT SMELLED SO GOOD.  BURGER WAS OK.  NOT AS GOOD AS MEAT BUT PROBABLY HEALTHIER AS MY INCREASED BATHROOM VISITS PROVE.  THE FRIES AND COKE WERE WELCOME.  AND B KING HAS LIMITED COUNTER SERVICE.  I CAN TAKE MY TIME TO DECIDE.  I HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF I HAVE PASTA AND SAUCE, CHEESE, OLIVES TO FINISH AT HOME. 

AS A FAMILY WE RARELY WENT OUT TO EAT.  PROBABLY MOM FEELING GUILTY.  SHE ATE LUNCH OUT WITH CO-WORKERS.  PART OF THE CHEATING.  AND DAD WENT OUT DRINKING FROM 4-6 USUALLY.  MOM'S EXCUSE FOR WORKING WAS DAD'S SEASONAL WORK UNCERTAINTY.  AS A CARPENTER THE RAINY SEASON MEANT NO WORK NO MONEY.  I WONDER ABOUT UNEMPLOYMENT.  I KNOW SHE HATED HOUSEWORK AND ONLY DID IT WHEN SHE WAS ABOUT TO GO BANANAS, REALLY ANGRY.  SO MAYBE 4 TIMES I SAW HER CLEANING.  WHEN SHE WAS MAD JUST AT DAD SHE'D DRINK AND GO DRIVING FOR HOURS.

I WENT TO SCU, HOMESTEAD, MARIA SAFEWAYS.  TODAY LAST DAY TO COLLECT GAME PIECES.  HAVE 'TIL 28TH TO COLLECT FREEBIES.  I RACKED UP $4 CREDIT IN COUPONS SO 2 SEAFOOD SALADS COST 3.99.  I DO LOVE A GOOD SALAD. 

I LOVE FREEBIES.

LIKE A TODDLER

SO MUCH OF AGING IS LIMITATION AND FRUSTRATION.  AND I'M LOOKING PUDGY LIKE A HAPPY 2 YR OLD. 

GUESS I'M A LITTLE TIRED.  I CAN'T FEEL IT.  TOOK ME 3 TRIES TO REMEMBER TO GET EVERYTHING FROM THE CAR.  I'M EXCITED.  I MEASURED THE PANTRY FOR ROLLIES.

I PAID CITIBANK, DEPOSIT STAR ONE, SAFEWAY HOMESTEAD, BK VEG BURGER, SENIOR LUNCH. P O, SCU SAFEWAY.  LUNCH WAS PRETTY GOOD.  EGG VEG BAKE + BISCUIT, CORN, GREEN BEANS, MILK, ORANGE.  FOR MY 2 PM SNACK FRIES. 

TOOK OUT BIN TRUCK HADN'T COME. 

PLANNING WHEELS ON DRAWER BINS. 

feeling sad

THIS HOUSE IS IMMERSED IN ANXIETY AND SADNESS.  I AWOKE THINKING AND FEELING IT WAS MONDAY AND THE WEIGHT OF EVERYTHING I HAVE TO DO.  MY DOING AND BEING.  MY BEING A CHILD OF GOD REQUIRES ME DOING, SERVING MANKIND.  I'M EXHAUSTED.  MY BODY IS DEPLETED.  MY EMOTIONS ARE SHATTERED AND LYING IN SHARDS.  YESTERDAY I WAITED ALL AFTERNOON FOR AUNTIES'S LETTER I COULD SEE IN THE ARRIVING USPS EMAIL.  SHE'S TIRED TOO.  WHEN SHE'S GONE I'LL HAVE NO ONE WHO LOVES ME.  EVEN 3,000 MILES AWAY I CAN FEEL HER LOVE.  1991 DELORIS LUCAS LOVED EVERYONE.  I COULD FEEL HER LOVE AND IT SCARED ME.  I HAD NEVER FELT THAT BEFORE. 

I ALWAYS CHOSE PEOPLE WHO FELT THE SAME AS MY FAMILY.  I WAS ONLY COMFORTABLE WITH FAMILIAR PEOPLE.  PEOPLE WHO COULDN'T LOVE ME.  INCAPABLE OF LOVE.

FEELING LOST

I WATCHED TURBO JAM EXERCISE.  MY BACK WAS HURTING FROM YESTERDAY'S 37 STOMACH CRUNCHES.  I STRETCHED AND WIGGLED.  FEELING GOOD NOW. 

I ATE AN ORANGE AND SOME CHEERIOS.  I HAVE A BAGEL AND SANDWICH FOR LUNCH AND DINNER.  USED MILK TO MAKE CORNMEAL.

PUTTERING WITH SEWING AND DVD'S.

AS I GO THROUGH THINGS I REALIZE I'M PERFECTLY PREPARED FOR COVID WITH THE PAST PURCHASES.

ATE TOO MUCH CANDY

I FOUND ELMER CHOCOLATES AND ATE THE ENTIRE BOX LAST NIGHT WOKE 4;30 STOMACH ACHE.  WATCHED DUCK SOUP FELL ASLEEP.  I HAVE HUNDREDS OF MOVIES TO WATCH.  CBS IS BRINGING BACK SUNDAY NIGHT MOVIES. 

I WENT TO CHASE AND WONDER ABOUT CHECK TO CITIBANK.  I WOKE THINKING OF THE DETAILS.  MY FAMILY TRADITION OF PERFECTION AND DOING IT RIGHT.  STAR ONE CLOSED.  I CAN GO TO CUPERTINO OR USE ATM. 

I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE BREAKFAST AND HAD ONE OF THE MANY ENERGY BARS I'VE SAVED I GUESS FOR NOW.  LIKE THE BOXES OF ANTI BACTERIAL WIPES I SCATTERED THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE.  USEFUL NOW.  WHEN I BOUGHT THEM I DIDN'T BOTHER TO THINK OF WHY.  NEVER ENTERED MY MIND.  INSTINCT.  I'VE BEEN SURVIVING ON INSTINCT A LONG TIME.  MAYBE MY ENTIRE LIFE.  I'M SO GLAD MY BRAIN IS MORE DEVELOPED.  KIDS HAVE A HARD TIME.

LIFE WILL ALWAYS SEEM DYSFUNCTIONAL BECAUSE EVERYTHING CHANGES.  UNLESS CONSTANTLY ADAPTING LIFE BECOMES IMPOSSIBLE TO MANAGE.

BEFORE COVID I SEEMED ECCENTRIC AND NOW I FIT RIGHT IN.  EVERYONE'S QUIRKS ARE SHOWING.   COVID THE GREAT EQUALIZER. 

ONLY HUMANS CREATE INEQUALITY IN THE MIND.  INEQUALITY IS UNNATURAL.

1972 'medusa touch' movie of novelist richard burton has jet liner crashing into skyscraper like 9/11/2001.  lee remick psychiatrist.