12/31

page wouldn't open yesterday and i didn't sweat it.  woo-hoo!!  i just went along my night.  

stayed in bed 'til 8!  still feeling tired.  came to library 58% charge so minimum computer and went to gym 2, soaked, stretched, charged chrome, dried hair and filled waters.  walked safe way and deli has chinese!!  i got side 2 entrees meal 39 cents more than panda express but no additional driving, 4 mini parfait $4.99.  used gift card whew!  done and done.  went back to library to game and compute.  ate almost entire meal listening to healing.  left groceries picked up file folders.

remembered last day lucky's free soda and yogurt.  walked store.  last day big lots $5 off $15.  bought dried pineapple and strawberries for oat meal, great red white black plaid new york laundry hoodie, vitamin c candies.  returned beets.

home 5:30.  ate meatloaf with grits, cooked onion carrot for tomorrow.  chips 2 mini parfait dessert.

15 minutes in to beautiful day

when Lloyd is looking so confused and hurt i know what he's feeling.  been there.  still feel that way some times.  i suppose i need to honor that.  watching 'beautiful day' fourth time.  

my stomach was upset getting calmer.  i ate meat loaf and bread for b'fast.  bit of porridge.  but it's probably the emotions upset.  i kept eating vitamin c candies.  probably 6.  better.

i'm going to seniors later.  i'm being gentler with myself.  not pushing as hard.  what would my life had been if i'd been lead instead of pushed?  no one talks about the parents or figures that produce a mr. rogers or temple grandin.  mr. rogers asks lloyd 'who loved him to become the man he is.'  

i enjoy waiting for toke and chatting as we go to our cars.  went sunny vale library to eat lunch, compute, charge since closed tomorrow.  and then to gym 2 i felt pretty well rested.  home 5 pm.  glad dinner pre cooked.  feeling tired.

i cried

i planned to watch 'mr rogers' movie non stop 15 minutes in my legs got chills run away!!  i got up looking for a distraction:  find paper, a notebook, pen not right another pen, book needs dusting.  the father everyone needs.  my father a large dangerous vindictive child.  

i avoided watching the tom hanks movie.  didn't care for the actor and was afraid to be disappointed.  the spirit is there.  i'll have to watch a bite at a time.

i'm finally crying for dad.  i haven't for 22 years.  when he died i felt relief.  i was physically emotionally spiritually drained.  i had nothing left.  i was a dry husk.  

what a different world if we'd all been raised by fred rogers.  

i did my lunch and drove to library and soak.  stopped nob hill another meat loaf.  i need protein to heal my body.  home i ate onion potato meat loaf rested finally found mail.  i'm ok.  i know next year great.  

beautiful energy back

it's raining and stopping long enough for me to get things done.  my energy is back.  i went back to cost co 8:15 am drove right to pump.  such a difference from yesterday.  

gym 2 shampooed soaked stretched taking my time.  straight to seniors art was alone so i sat with him not hungry from exercise.  Greg showed up i waited 'til toke came and walked out with her.  perfect.

drove past main closed st just too rainy to leave groceries.  kiely to sunny vale library.  lunched in car weak reception.  inside i returned 'america' browsed sale, filled waters, charged chrome listened healing, gamed, mailed, borrowed 6.  i forgot to check nob hill $5 moon day so stopped by.  holiday 2 day sale.  $5 frozen 32 oz meatloaf microwaveable.  ate half (3) with bread lettuce.  yum.  cooked onion potato for tomorrow.  

misplaced mail.  i got excited over grocery ads and put them somewhere safe.  excitement replaced by celebrity wheel of fortune excitement.  i'm ok.  i can call for replacements.

s v library just started pouring

chased away the food group that gathers every weekend trading groceries.  they usually stand around talking.  

i'm feeling fear and anxiety probably the downside of enjoying the peace and quiet yesterday.  processing years of fears holidays bring.  never sure of the level of family violence anticipated.  poised ready to run hide.  such an expenditure of energy.  i'm feeling tired.  i cooked sewed sorted all yesterday.  productive satisfying.  i don't have to gym 2 unless i want.

got home 3:30.  drove past cost co gas.  a thousand others same idea of fill up.  entire parking lot packed.  drove back way.  took out garbage added street and recycle bins.  

i'm watching romance movies trying to figure them out.  i know none of my relationships worked because not a good fit.  that's it.

freedom

what a feeling.  loving it.  no schedule.  sitting s v library gaming computing.  slight scare re connection.  it's ok now.  an hour already.  time flies.  feeling calm and peace filled.  

if i hadn't moved back to take care of mom and dad i wouldn't appreciate the quiet peace and calm.  this time is so so precious to me.  all noise is mine.

yay!! soaked stretched gym 2 and tried Wendy's biscuit only 'til 10:30 and not $1 i went burger king 2 jr 2 fries with chili.  checked out big lots sunflower seeds beet i have to refund return by 1/23/22 too toxic.  dessert of strawberry cheerios almonds with strawberry quick milk.  so good.  food digests better without stress from family.  

best christmas ever.

lovely

rain stopped just in time for me to go to library.  i computed then exercised.  went a different shorter route.  straight to seniors thought about target.  too tired.  

inge gave me a tin of butter cookies.  i thought about what i wanted to do, nothing.  home i ate lunch, cooked onions, potatoes, squash to add to chili and corn.  2 toasted croissants for dessert.  toast with cream cheese and cranberry cherry preserves.  so good.  

so good

senior lunch turkey r/t ham.  easier to digest.  eating the ribs and tamale were heavy hard to process.  menu had glazed ham.  slice w w bread mash sandwich.  innocuous green beans.  pumpkin bread pudding eggs good.  corner piece i'm reassured it's thoroughly cooked.  leave it to them to use the container upside down.   

i'm sitting front s v lib listening to healing.  5:30 am had lucid dream of nit and Craig in back yard green beans 5 ft tall lush healthy.  next door Todd's family picnic.  i slept 9 hours.  i haven't felt so lethargic since bed ridden.  

TARGET S V CLOSED!!

i'm feeling peace

such a beautiful day.  started out sunny and calm.  i readied the pruner for tomorrow.  i considered moving green bin but too dewy wet.  10:45 i'm second car.  still internet chrome city issues i organized bills for new year.  long line i put lunch in car.  gave toke little guava.  waited for gerde 'til 11:45 went straight to sunnyvale library, ate listening to healing renewed 'secret' online.  1 pm went in charged chrome, gamed, listened to healing.  2:30 bored i went to gym 2 to soak, stretch.  left 4 to home just as it started raining.  

lovely.

i made bbq ribs candy bark by overcooking in microwave.  i set at med 18 minutes.  just before it started to burn i checked and removed.  so crunchy.  all the bits cooked down.  and 2 toasted croissants.  later the last tamale.  good eats.  i want more.  without the hassle of 'family'.

sunny vale

i hadn't planned on it.  10 am i tried watching 'concentration' i couldn't concentrate.  i dressed went to seniors.  chrome wouldn't connect notice from city.  dining room late opening i walked park stretched my back ok.  picked up lunch on to main for Darryl's expertise.  he had Paul the wizard take a look at it for another search engine but no.  said sunny vale would work.  

so here i am eating lunch in my car 1 pm.  went in library checked out pop up sale maybe tomorrow.  i must have caught cold sat day.  sniffles herb no effect c worked.  just the hint of a cold.  took 1 an hour and after 4 gone.  charged chrome, listened healing, gamed, got bored 3 pm went nob hill $5 Monday half rack ribs 5 tamales.  home i watched 'love boat' and ate 2 ribs and 3 tamales.  so good.  

added cleaner to softener pressed light display to clear flashing warning.  i didn't know it was going to take more than just salt.  the sears sturdier.  started warning a week before 4 month 8-12/21 installation date.

because of football 'wheel' on late 10 pm.  so worth it.  

i looked for an hour for pge bill to pay then remembered to look in paid.  i did last week.  

took an hour

decided lucky's soda and walked store.  rearranged front to accommodate 2 cups.   10 am burger king 2 hash browns, 2 croissant, 2 coffee b'fast.  i gave extra coffee 3 sugar hash 3 ketchup to homeless and he started making demands.  that's it for me this year sharing.  shocked me.  more ptsd.  my family always demanding more of me never satisfied.  punishment, humiliation.

i left to find home depot and was lost.  in store i asked, was directed, couldn't find water softener cleaner finally an associate helped me see it.  an hour.  there on shelf all along.  my autism overload.

in my car sitting in front s v library enjoying coffee, croissant, hash, bonus fries.  today's word 'joy'.  bit by bit i'm learning.  my family always demanding more from me never satisfied.  i'm learning happiness.  my back fully supported in total comfort.  

1 pm i used computer listening to healing.  charging chrome froze while i was gaming and i was able to turn it off on and reset major tabs.  4 pm i went gym 2 soaked stretched home 5:45 more integrated than i've ever been in my life.  ate second croissant hash.  cooked onion potato egg cheese for tomorrow.  called paid discover.  

no line 1 pm

10 am left for gym 2 after warming up engine.  parking front door row.  found penny water fountain, shampooed, soaked and stretched.  took my time dressing.  thought about picking up lunch wrong street for Wendy's stopped at burger king 2/1 whopper junior fries.  gave half to homeless in lot.  back way to Benton to Kiely to Homestead past st just no line 1 pm picked up meal gift cards to safe way not lucky's or smart final.  main i returned and borrowed movies, charged chrome, gamed 'til 2.  parking lot i listened to healing came home and watched concentration marathon.  back hip good.  put away groceries, dinner soup added can chicken.  perfect peace. 

the decades marathon this weekend the 'Monkees'.  even as a child i could only take so much of adults behaving incomprehensibly i had my parents and didn't find it entertaining.  my parents never matured no matter how old.  dad at 79 and mom at 80.  

water softener warning light flashing and all the ptsd chemicals cascading through my body.  mom and dad panicked tearing and rending all around them.  alien and nit were so great at hiding.  my autism deer in the headlights taking the abuse.  

always fry day

2 weeks ago check engine light and today.  Carlos on phone 8:15 talking to loan.  after he finished and reset computer i gave him $20 for lunch and Merry Christmas.  i want him to know i appreciate the peace of mind he gives me.  i can depend on him.  i told him i'm autistic.

seniors routine is reassuring too.  today center warm because Jennifer felt cold yesterday.  she's consistent.  predictable.  next 2 weeks i'm a new me.  i'm embracing me for the first time.  i'm living without hiding who i am.  i lived under the threat of death from my mom.  all i wanted was to be loved and accepted by my family but they weren't ever good enough.  they couldn't see me, always wanting me to be someone else.  

watching 'generation a' 2014 they don't get it.  aspergers=autism.  abby is being rewarded for acting out.  1980 one in 10,000.  today one in 68.  wrong.  as an adult i know majority became alcoholics, addicts, homeless, or dead what society accepted.  listening the universe is explained.  Stephen Shore, EdD, Adelphi University hasn't studied child development or would know 18 months brain and body is growing intensely unevenly.  Alex Plank founder of WrongPlanet.net.  Dani Bowman age 16 explains reincarnation in anime from Powerlight Studios 'Mr. Raindrop'.  Wyatt Isaacs' song 'too sensitive'.  i heard that from my mom all my life.  equestrian therapy works because horses are prey=safe animals.  expressing emotions happy=getting attention unsafe for prey animals.  we feel them in a secondary level.

'autism: a family's journey' copyright 2013.  Catherine Maurice let me hear your voice book mother reads.  Cairns family of Arizona.  how they connected him to world.  52 minutes seems like forever.  

Chinese making of 'big fish and begonia' is a study of a team of autistic adults.  the 12 year commitment.  hyper focus.  

6:30 lucid dream

during Mary El 1985 with Jennifer Cline i had 3 visions.  my back was hurting and i saw myself die in the south seas by shark, in Britain battle broadsword, India ridden over by messengers.  my back pain went away.  

in the dream i take 2 small Indian children by the hand into a tropical hospital room where their 12 year older brother is lying in a rattan bed.  he's sad he lost the herbs prescribed to him and i tell him all he needs is stretching and good nutrition.  

i showered stretched went to bookmobile.  after computing i picked up lunch and sat at table.  Walter showed up with village diorama.  i asked him to carry it for me to car.  put everything away, ate beef stick and went to sit in fireplace room.  we talked 'til 1 my right hip screaming so i took willow.  home i ate lunch, stretched and my hip good.  the 2022 planner is another moon calendar.  i wrote out check for year anthem dental.  i'm caught up in good shape for next year.  due to soc sec i'm covered.  required retired minimum distribution starts at 72 due to 2019 new law.  

i have to consciously relax.

my natural state is tense.  i forcefully relax.  even that isn't relaxed.  my stomach upset.  my dad's legacy.

i'm typing in gloves it's so cold.  i have to remove them to move the cursor.  

i'm feeling ready

watched and moved to sit and stretch.  stayed on course went dollar .25 store for supp and checking price.  

showered, stretched.  lunch was ladies auxiliary.  way better than regular.  sliced turkey dab gravy, roasted potatoes, roasted veg blend, dab of cranberry, roll, pumpkin bar.  and yet helen complains.  

xmas cards.

i got one from della on my b'day thinking she remembered.  no.  typical family disappointment.  i'm sitting in my car waiting for the steady rain to pause.  auto update is working.  

little by little i'm clearing the household jam.  it's a representation of my body.  

wowie chrome froze could be pch

trying to remember what tabs i had.  had to shut down and restart.  or could be city chrome.  due tomorrow.  i don't feel like dealing with the situation.  

i soaked and stretched gym 2.  walked safe way nothing i needed.  feeling so heavy and tired i forced myself to go.  must be the hamburger i've been eating half lb a day since buying fry day.  i am sleeping deeply.  yesterday i stayed in bed 'til 10.  feeling lethargic i just took care of myself.  i'm learning how.  i watched sat day concentration marathon.  none today since programming changed.  

4 pm home i watched st Francis Assisi.  i couldn't feel if i was tired.  so i erred on the side of caution and pampered myself.  

finished my prep

loaded lucky's freebie oat milk.  picked up lunch.  gerde drove in i got out her walker.  i sat perfectly supported in car listening to healing and toke parked opposite.  she stopped to say hi before exercising.  i went back in to charge chrome.  toke stopped on her way home wished each other good weekend.  

lucky's i found 8 clearance burger patties $3.99, picked up free oat milk, 3 lbs gold potatoes, mango.  $3 in expiring rewards.  all for $3.99.  home 2 pm.  still hungry i cooked patty w/cheese.  still hungry 3 more, coleslaw and brownies for dessert.  

so cold i'm bundled with gloves.  5 pm toke left sushi.  i called to say thanks.  

pray for care givers

daily word.  everything i do for others i do for myself.  as i was setting up to eat in car listening to healing Walter came by.  i popped the trunk so he could sit on camp chair.  we talked inside too 'til 2 charging chrome i paid city.  he enjoyed sitting in fireplace room his dad loved.  i told him i needed to start my dinner.  took an hour cooking onion carrot potato in stages to added to soup.  so good but i forgot almond topping.  breakfast tomorrow.

ugh, dentist dr wehle HappyTeeth

maybe why they charge so much.  no one likes going.      3:08 i hung out seniors time to head over to dentist office.  ok i found cursor it went invisible.   maybe it's the server.  news said bunch of companies having internet issues.  new behavior.  4 pm appointment.  went well Jen cleaned and polished $35. 

 

sat in car

made dentist tomorrow 4 pm and eye yearly $2450 w/o insurance dr mark.  i didn't know it was so much.  no wonder they want me in.  finally medium size font keeps resetting itself.

all this new behavior setting off autism alarm bells.  

my brother walter remembered.

like living on the moon

in the car it was hot in the shade cold.  i'm sitting at sunny vale library.

global warming is mankind consuming itself through conspicuous consumption.  i decided anything i do must add value 

well i'm glad i checked tv listings no concentration at 1 so i can do whatever i want.  maybe you tube?  doing what i want.  

i did my games, checked mail.  now what?  i decided to go in the library.  i charged, gamed and computed.  i was leery that yahoo would let me access my mail.  i hung out 'til 4:30 and i feel ok.  we'll see if i can sleep.  i can't tell.

my back- i survived

i forgot what Thomas Hanna did.  he studied how babies developed walking.  they didn't exercise.  they start learning to walk around 2.  before that their muscles develop by stretching.  i need to stretch more to balance my muscles.  babies move constantly when awake.

at sunny vale lib-rare-y.  i soaked and stretched at gym 2.  i found a wells fargo visa card on the sidewalk at the corner to safe way.  i asked the mail man if he was driving past a wells fargo, no.  then as i remembered there might be one inside safe way the owner found me.  whew!!  i found 2 of the freebie sanitizers clearance croissants and tahini, yum.  i love it.

i'm always finding things.  most people don't see what they're looking at.  i see things others have screened out.  we have no screens.  

discovered a junior book series "i survived..." a bear and shark attack not a family of wolves.

now you see it

Constance Holmes dressed in pink blouse and green pant suit.  it's a game show 6:30-7 am Jack Narz of seeing what's before your eyes.  my pink and green heaven.  

yesterday went so well i'm still excited.  i'm winding down from a very good day.  i drove to seniors the check engine light came on.  i called Carlos he was busy so i asked about after lunch, good.  i set up next year calendar looked through bills.  i showered, exercised, stretched a long time.  computed and gamed added lucky's freebie.  picked up lunch said hi to table and to Inga from Jeanie.  loading my car i saw toke drive in waved her to space next to mine.  chatted cold breeze came up.  she went to exercise i ate lunch listening to healing.  

called Carlos good time i drove over he reset said it could be O 2 sensor.  i gave him apple and extra milk from lunch.  could be i didn't warm up car before driving it was foggy warm.  will watch it.  could be the bad air quality.  probably bad air quality.

i went to college safe way nothing clearance $.98 iceberg lettuce.  2 bottles Kirkland Cost co water in parking lot reminded me Coleman gas station.  filled up although long lines 15 minutes.  drove back and paid Citibank, picked up lucky's freebies Laird veg creamer, healthy warrior oatmeal, clearance baby salad mix $.99.  said hi to Cathy.  home 2 pm musicals marathon.

i accomplished so much already.  i'm feeling deliciously tired.  

i did it yearly check up

no longer an uber virgin.  care more Carlos picked me up at 2:45 exactly.  i got to Atherton care more early and there was a cancellation so i went in early.  Sara took 1 vial from my hand saying i'm the only one to prefer hand and 10 minutes results.  Aida gave me results and was actually concerned with my health.  better results than last year.  i ate low sugar lunch.  Sara called Uber for me took 45 min so i didn't get home 'til 5:11.  first driver Javad didn't show up Harjeet lives local.  i love being chauffeured.  

i think i figured it out.

i have to view a page when connected to internet to reopen when disconnected daily or it won't open.  

i'm feeling better.  i was feeling beginning of the month blues.  maybe tired of the constant pain.  

i had two body quakes when i was totally relaxed watching 'Poirot's 'the labors of Hercules'.  my entire body jerked.  scary.  it came from my solar plexus.  an expansion of energy.  not a linear discharge like a twitch.  the first so strong almost bounced me.  the second still startling.  never felt anything like it.  the opposite of a stab.  my predator sisters.  i'm in awe of Agatha Christie's depiction of the ultimate predator.  no compassion or guilt.  a being reveling in evil.   

predators

another school shooting.  kids pick on a loner like lions cutting dinner from the herd but we are people who have the combination of predator/prey within.  that prey gets a gun.  

just living

i did my senior routine with Trudy.  i may have over exercised.  back waist hurting something fierce.  picked up lunch said hi to table.  gave toke last lone avocado.  sat deciding to drop off groceries i would never eat.  came home from st j watched 'medium' ate lunch.  watched 'Poirot' like visiting with an old friend, stretching and resting.  

8:30 taking a break from the routine is great!  i feel so me.  i was dreading the city winter break but i think i need it.  

feeling good

started driving to sunny vale and detoured to dollar store.  from there i decided on gym 1.  since the suit spinner out at 2 it doesn't matter.  and i want to keep 1 open for more choices.  i soaked and stretched for half hour.  stopped at safe way for bread and stamps.  2 loaves for $5 and clearance rolls.  library i updated and opened blog.  decided home.  no classic' concentration' i cooked quorn and spaghetti.  

9:47 arr main library

took me this long checking in defective disc, finding 'Waltons' and plugging in charger.  i gamed and computed.  done i was driving past st just picked up 2 bags groceries.  on the way to gym i remembered freebie egg bites at lucky's and bought broccoli florets.  i had to ask clerk with long arms to get one from back of shelf.  i did it new behavior.  so being noon i went home and put groceries away.  ate lunch watched 'medium' 'concentration.'  feeling tired i decided gym tomorrow.  i don't want to drive.  

i've been thinking about human predators.  'all about eve' is a different movie viewed from the idea of predators.  they feel no compassion or love.  they learn how to lie and manipulate.  the older they get the better they are at manipulating.  they only believe in owning things.  thieves and slavers.  they're perpetually frustrated because things don't satisfy.  perpetually lonely they know no peace.  

capitalism is a predator based system.  robber barons who amassed fortunes and in old age turn to philanthropy to save their souls.  

yahoo!!

i thought yesterday was sat day until i watched jeopardy and wheel i realized talking to Walter i forgot to enter bonus puzzle.  and i'm fine.  i didn't feel guilty or stupid or anything.   

i watched 'concentration', 'now you see it' 6-7, 10 am 'classic concentration', 11 'f-troop', noon 'medium' 'til 1 and went to s v library to enter 'wheel' bonus puzzle.  i tried computing but it was too slow or not at all.  

gym 2 was a little crowded 1:30.  then home by 3.  i carved turkey.  i left chrome in trunk and actually remembered where i put it.  my stomach is upset with all the croissants i'm eating.  so delicious.  my rheumatoid arthritis keeps me from over indulging.

found tom v mail

he called moon day.  yesterday when i found it while charging my phone i got an alert on phone usage so i'll wait.  when i think of all the times i bailed him out and the many many times he failed me i feel irritated.  

i used seniors phone to check st just safe way gift card balance.  i've been disappointed so so many many times i have to reassure myself.  i called care more for benefits and scheduled Uber ride for yearly check up next month.  took 45 minutes.  picked up lunch and coffee.  put in car and went upstairs computer.  saw toke exercising.  happy thanks.  

college safe way i felt tired and ok.  clearance mini and bear claw bites, roasted half turkey breast.  i'm set with chocolate.  turkey dry tastes ok.  i want to braise with veg.  ooh, i can nuke carrots and brown in toaster oven.  oven roasted veg the quick easy way.  i love eating.

i cooked dad's potatoes that way.  

alien and Cathy hated reading their journals while i enjoy seeing how much i've accomplished.  i never thought i'd live beyond 16.  mom threatened killing me so many times.  once would nave been enough.  mom loved alien the liar manipulator.  just occurred to me Cathy may be the replacement.  she can't hurt me from Hawaii.  Cathy admitted she moved to Hawaii expecting a big inheritance.  i wasn't paying attention.

thanks 11/25-if not for St Clare lunch pick up i'd probably stay home.  i went to gym 2 after classic concentration.  i planned on an hour for 1 pm line up.  got there 15 min early and as a joined line Walter came around corner.  we talked 'til 2:30.  he misses his dad.  i'm blessed i don't miss my wolf pack family at all.  

felt like sat day so i completely forgot wheel.and i didn't die.  i'm ok.  

returned seniors

i was feeling exhausted from another sleepless night so i felt my way.  after egg toast i rested stretching my back.  at 8 i started dressing and stretching hips and legs.  

i shampooed, showered, exercised listening to healing felt better.  'let go, let god.'  upstairs computed, gamed and then picked up lunch.   i talked to toke.  stretching is working.  she still has some pain and she's walking better.  she's not rolling like a ship.  i mailed auntie's b'day cards.  forgot to open blog page considered library decided seniors.

home channel 32.2 has Eddie Murphy marathon.  Hurrah!!

i returned s v overdue no fee

today huge crowd like wheel bonus puzzle.  i was surprised book sale 10 am.  i checked for Kelly Howell none.  maybe Walter can help me order online.  i'm set up charging computing in the back.  i filled 2 water bottles.  lovely.

today's daily word 'free'.  i didn't know what i wanted to do today.  9 am pants not skirt or dress and came to library.  olive av open.  i spent my entire time with the parents critical path management avoiding disasters and cleaning up their messes.  i'm not planning.  i'm doing what i feel like doing when i feel like it.

11:43 air conditioner finally kicking in.  almost time for next thing whatever it may be.  i checked front for healing found ukulele lessons $2.  i decided home for lunch monitoring my energy and back.  12:45 ate cornbread i forgot i had with chicken corn enchilada soup and veg.  watched 'concentration' marathon and rested.  toasted rolls for dessert.  2:15 decided st just pantry pickup feeling pretty good.  drive through 15 minute wait 45 minutes total back home put 1 bag away.  given choice turkey i chose $20 in gift cards.  cooked onion potatoes added tuna for dinner.  2 cookies dessert.  we never had dessert.  

very productive day.

sun 11/21-ok i did too much and kept waking every few hours stiff in pain.  i watched movies and stretched until i could sleep to wake a few hours later so i got up 8 am to eat.  not hungry but to nourish my body.  watched CBS Sunday morning channel 5 at 7 am and 44 at 10.   now 11:30 my stomach or maybe my back telling me lunch time.  toast and 2 chopstick scrambled eggs.  i love my microwave.  2 minutes.  

Raymond Maes called to ask St Clare dinner and back belt.  talked an hour.  he has Kaiser now he kept wasting my time what i already know.  the old me would have rushed to help and comfort his pathetic self.  what a great opportunity to care for myself.  

danny's recycle and 20/20

i emptied the trunk for st just dinner pick up this weekend.  so i got to seniors early.  i showered exercised computed gamed 'til 11 picked up lunch and ate in my car listening to healing.  saw toke she must be feeling better.  my hips and knee and feet hurt.  my back itches and hurts.  i drank an entire bottle O3 glug glug.  i must be dehydrated.  

went to lucky's for free cookie dough p'nut butter.  12:45 home i checked garage freezer food burned gradually to the garbage.  cooked 19 oz frozen fish ate for 2 hours.  rested watching my shows.  i started Jackie Chan 'Vanguard' movie so exciting i had to pause too exciting.  

i decided to pay discover and Cathy left 2 thank you for card.  i love i can watch my shows and return call when i'm ready.  family only called when they needed me and there was always a third degree filled with accusations and guilt.  why wasn't i home to answer their call what was i doing that was so important.  Cathy and toke have done more for me in 3 years than the family in 70.  they're my real family.

i connected an extension cord so i can charge while watching in kitchen.  i don't know why it's taken me so long.  i've had it for years.  i have it set up in every other room.  i guess i'm ready to up level.  

20/20 Diane sawyer.  the turpin family of perris, ca.  riverside co.  predator country.  trump is a predator.  in a capitalistic society predators flourish admired by other predators feared by prey.

good day

no seeming fallout from 2 hours of talking with Walter yesterday.  being so energy sensitive makes contact with others potentially hazardous to staying on track.  

at seniors i showered exercised used last clean pants.  4 new movies from bookmobile.  upstairs computed picked up lunch sat in car ate lunch listening to healing on you tube.  no toke.  i went to walmart to pay pge and get nicotine gum and h2o2.  i stood in lines 3 times finally got out of there.  serious staffing problems.  home 1 :30 although it seemed like forever.   

i folded socks and pants.  put away.  ate squash corn chili with whole grain bread.  i'm cleaning in tiny increments.  

peace

people are reverting to same old behavior that caused the pandemic.  oh, well.  

how to have more fun

i enjoy doing.  i get great satisfaction and feel strong and capable.  this temporary limitation of being without doing has taken a lot of self control.  i guess i'm forced to mature and grow up.

i forgot to wash the mask.  i want to do another load soon.  i showered, exercised, computed picked up lunch.  toke still in a lot of pain.  i offered dad's cane she thought too tall.  i must have given the adjustable floral metal cane away the 3 others the same height as dad's.

dropped off Cathy's card and suddenly remembered last day free pizza detour to college safe way and clearance croissants.  home baked ate 3 meat pizza.  so good hot fresh.  lettuce salad opened drained can sliced mushrooms pretty good.  didn't need olives or pineapple.  ate senior sandwich dinner.

laundry 2 pm

lovely.  woke 4 am dst 5 am.  leisurely trek to seniors after loading wash.  took my time.  my time to take.  i wasn't sure when i wanted to wash.  i showered exercised picked up lunch computed added free safe way pizza.  upstairs games for 2 hours.  mah jong.  i'm hooked.  

and today i effortlessly did wash.  there was no back parking so i parked in empty front and ate my lunch.  lovely overcast cool.  had i internet would have been perfect.   home for 'love boat.'

keeps resetting to normal size type.  but the rest is working.  i used bucket to bring in clothes.  i can't carry heavy loads even wearing back brace.  very wet.  laundromat makes more money in dryers.  i took my time hanging in garage.  i feel good.  changed and removed brace.  

i forgot to open

lovely uneventful weekend so far.  i went to gym 2 soaked and stretched.  normal sweating a relief.  my skin so soft.                                                                                                        checked out $tore and cargo shortage affecting lack of items.  went to library didn't stay.  sprouts 3 experimental clearance supplements and inari sushi 4/$3.99.  i do love trying new things.                                                                                                                               i came home for concentration and pacing myself.  remembered double lucky reward points.  and i need bread i'm all out.  i rested and dressed @ lucky's i bought bread, zucchini, frozen fish, 2 quorn as advertised on Drew Barrymore.  came home put in freezer.  dinner last of veg protein and meatloaf, 2 garlic toasts.  cooked quorn micro.  crispy mushroom veg.  i ate 1 of 4 patties will go well with tomato sauce pasta.                                                                      almost forgot 'celebrity wheel.'  'homer marge bart  lisa and maggie' and 'peeping tom hanks'.  

ah, heaven

10:45 i finally stopped sweating.  i went to gym 2 about 8, shampooed, soaked stretched hot tub half hour, cool pool 10,  warm up, shower and to library after considering safe way.  not only open regular hours new computers online.  and films in regular spot.  getting back to normal.

i borrowed a cookbook on avocados.  recipe for baked zucchini inspired

i finished watching wonder woman 1984.  very sad.  not what i want in my life.  ok for others.  huh, cursor not working.  i don't know.  

anticipation

i went to seniors early.  i took my time showering dressing exercising computing.  i went upstairs and gamed.  no problem logging on.  i charged my phone just in case.

Gloria in passing told me st Clare take out thanksgiving dinner noon-2.

being early i picked up lunch 11:15.  decided to go by st just.  long line.  signed up for thanks and Christmas.  pick up weekend before 9-noon drive around.  fruits and veg no fresh meat canned tuna and chicken.  Whew!!  i still have 8 frozen drumsticks.

checked delivery back braces on track.  arrived before 5.  i'm tired from putting away groceries.  back is riled up.  i ate dinner 3 pm feeling hungry or my stomach weird.  i opened and checked braces.  i feel rich.

living daily word

i'm processing stuff.  i don't love the house because of the family.  not fair to the house.  i went to cost co and filled gas.  8:38 DST so comfortable.  standard time is so much better.  the pandemic gives me so much time for reflection and relaxation.  

i called OTC and ordered 3 back braces.  Sonja said i couldn't pay difference with discover so i'll have to get gum at store.  she gave me confirmation numbers.  i showered and dressed and must have left my exercise shoes fry day.  nothing in lost and found.  so i computed picked up my lunch.  monitored discover my daily word phone order no pending.  called Becky for auntie and Cathy subscriptions.  i wondered no security code requirement.  

i'm worrying my life insurance 14 k  my IRA 16 taxes.  

like weeds in a garden

negative thoughts and self judgment.  seniors i stayed and ate 3 golf ball sized meat like balls while listening to my healing you tube.  went to college safe way 8 clearance croissant used my $5 coupon.  drove to pay citibank and lucky's free yogurt and water.  chase bank main atm down withdrew half.  @ home toke left dozen cost co croissants on porch.  woo hoo!  20 croissants.  i'm rich!  i ate 4 with dinner and for dessert.  the free yogurt was low sugar and about to expire.  new behavior not saving for later.  the free water was just water.

11-6 sat-a do what i feel day.  i had rolls for b'fast and lunch.  don't want to drive.

i wanted to phone otc order and charged my phone noticing i missed cathy's call yesterday 3:33 pm.  called her back she went to emergency 3 times is anemic low iron.  she didn't know cooking in cast iron pan adds iron.  i had to eat liver as kid.  phone order open m-f so not today.  sometimes a way to what i think i want isn't time.  i organized week supplements.

11-7 sun-i broiled 8 drumsticks an hour and de-boned for lunch.  b'fast was chicken parm from 3 flames 5 days ago still delicious.  steamed frozen broccoli.  and dishes washed.  new behavior i wait at least half hour before running and doing.  i'm digesting.  i still feel i need to go somewhere do something.  i'm so obsessed.  i took out garbage and recycle.  next door left side taking up all parking.  i can't leave or risk losing my parking.  i'll fill gas tomorrow.  i feel so frustrated.  wheel makes me better.  and willow kava hemp oil.  my right temple neck shoulder tight.

happy thursday

 time is finally moving.  it always seemed to be stuck.  and i got a letter from auntie and $30 for xmas and b'day.  when i saw in the preview i was so excited.  i came home quickly to  something i wanted.  she sounds good looking forward to her b'day.  

i was surprised when i left home and it had rained.  the rest of the day was dry.  i went straight to the bookmobile.  talking to Cody about magnets gravity and magnetism are the same energy in different sizes.  discrete electrons.  

my back hips are still sore from tuesday.  i felt nausea ate my fruit drops.  i'm so practiced at dealing with symptoms.

whiplash 2014

it's odd my neck is so tight 7 years after my fall.  the advance health center has 3 therapies.  the information was good but it went on too long without a break.  hour and half sitting in dinner chair.  the food was good but my back hurt too badly.  i brought most of it home.  i drove to the good will on the corner and walked the entire store.  i felt better.  

today i'm babying myself.  i still want to fix gutter.  they didn't fasten it properly.  i have to put my health first.  it's hard when all my training was doing with no thought for myself or safety.  

freshly showered

i'm feeling a little sad.  beginning month blues.  maybe when i was born beginning of month into strife ridden family.  mom's stories of dad's drinking.  according to her we came to the mainland because he was a falling down drunk.   she liked shaming him too.

doing from love

doing from guilt shame anger yields a shaky result.  resentment colors the work.  pollutes the result.  if physics tells us anything Einstein stating the observer affects the outcome is supported.  logically speaking infinitesimal physical energy is transferred.  

infinitesimal psychic physical energy as yet not measurable (the machines to track and record not created yet)  electro-magnetic field energy.  the energy felt by prey animals when targeted by predators.  

creating making from love results in satisfying nurturing feelings of self love.  newton's law of equal opposite action reaction physics.  

right side of my skull is hurting.  probably from whiplash contra coup injury sustained 2014 fall when my right leg collapsed and i hit the ground i.e. concrete front porch apron.  i lay there 10 minutes wondering if i should call 911.  eventually i was able to pick myself up and continue 7 am.  i went to Kaiser gave me a cane.  

Oct 30-sat i went Maria safe way looking for free sanitizer gym 2 safe way and inventory clerk checked stockroom none.  at least he tried.  soaked in the tub stretching resting.  cut my nails dressed slowly.  went back to safe way to use rest room remodeled 1 at a time.  to woman waiting i remarked if everyone got vaccine we could get back to normal and she believes in paranoid chipping, lab created conspiracy.  scary the people walking around.  i considered my options-i could go to sv or cup library, opted for 5th safe way on a quest.  bought clearance sanitizer dollar 40.  sat and thought.  mailed insurance and decided to drive home to rest.  

remembered to call register for back seminar.  called toke thanked her for lead and rolls from cost co.

Oct 31-i forgot it's Halloween.  ok i'm obsessed with the broken gutter.  i waited 'til 9 am to cut the tree branches using the pruner and stick saw i taped together with masking tape.  it was too hot and sunny after 10 minutes.  i picked up fruit.  my arms are no longer itchy or swollen from the vaccinations 5 days ago.  hurray!!  i want to go to soak in the tub i know i don't want to drive.  i don't feel like changing work clothes.

as is i drove to lucky's 1 mi tons of free teddy's ginger ale, clearance pork bits, 2 bags almonds 3x points.  and i'm done.  

watching celebrity wheel makes me laugh happy!

SHAME

mom was ashamed her mom divorced and emigrated for a better life.  very brave.  3 month ocean voyage as steerage.  like cattle.  steer.  she shamed me for being a baby and loved diminishing me by recounting stories of me as a baby.  how i was retarded because i was late (2) walking and talking.  i had aunts, uncles, cousins who loved carrying me everywhere.  i was timid.  i was insulated by my loved ones 'til we moved here at 4.  then starting school i tested gifted 146.  maybe to balance my autism or because of for survival.   

i won't qualify fcc program stipend.  next year gross 32 k.  Cathy left message did i follow up.  i do still want to call Josepha for therapy help.  lord knows i need help.  i still have to restrain myself from messing with the rain gutter.  i'm so used to fixing things on my own that hurts my back.  all those years of damaging my back starting with taking care of the parents.  cleaning the gutters in the rain, clearing the weeds, hauling 4 buckets of fruit a day to the senior center for years to ungrateful complaining people just like my family.

ok i get it.  the rain gutter is a not doing lesson.  do not.

i've been sitting thinking

there must be a class today parking is full.  it was staff of free hearing test filling parking lot 'til noon.

i'm feeling terrified.  like 1976 when i had agoraphobia before i knew about the family tradition of suicide i was afraid to drive.  i had panic and anxiety attacks to the point i thought i'd die behind the wheel of my car killing some innocent.  it stopped while shopping with ex and feeling faint.  when i told him he moved away from me making me so angry the panic and anxiety were gone.  i learned.  angry people are fighting off feelings. 

moved car for internet.  all i must do is survive today.  

i went to renew ira.  now in liquid money market.  no required withdrawal 'til next year.  so i can decide later, i have more time.   

i need therapy

saw art's scooter outside Walgreen's and he was inside.  pharmacy one line for everything so long wait.  then she didn't give me form to fill out.   failed to tell me i needed my vax card i had to go get it, good i kept it in the car.  i have to make a copy.

i'm feeling angry at inefficiency.  'happy healthy wealthy wise'.  

Lydia gave me the shot.  i talked to Robert from Trader Joe waiting over an hour.  my butt hurts from sitting.  terrible chairs.  wait 10 minutes for reaction.

i forgot to reopen page and returned to seniors.  my flu shot itches nothing on booster.  i'm feeling tired of doing.  i'm feeling childhood terror.  waiting for family to punish me.  

tcb-nothing changes if nothing changes

i'm making small changes.  whenever fear or anxiety shows up i use affirmations to change my chemistry.  i don't know why i never used it before.  it works.  i can only think one thought at a time.  

Cathy sent the fcc papers like she said she would.  i've been surrounded by people who let me down and i'm feeling old disappointment leaving my body.  we talked for 50+ about our families.  she's been in therapy 30 years.  

so tired

my right hip hurts so badly i considered staying home.  2 back braces help.  i took my time driving in the rain.  it stopped as i arrived senior center.  so i showered exercised stretched feeling better.  i ate citrus drops all day because the pain caused nausea. 1972 i went to 4 doctors trying to alleviate my pain and nausea.  i lost weight living on lemon drops not being able to eat.

5:45 pm toke left sushi.  i didn't know what to eat for dinner and she brought it.  i didn't want to drive more today.  driving distorts my pelvis.  

she called to let me know it was on front porch and i thanked her for dinner.  i chopped some lettuce.  i told her about Evelyn and George Gerraci.  toke was concerned her dementia auntie was talking to deceased brother toke's dad.  so i explained how the beloved come to help cross them over.  George had Alzheimer's a year.  each 2 nights before he passed Evelyn woke at 3 am by George talking with deceased relatives.  then he peacefully went.  Helen is doing the same by sleeping a lot.  she's tired.  i know the feeling.  i must have more to do and be.

sat 10/23-i'm being gentle with myself practicing non judgment.  so many 'should's in my head.  i woke 3:30.  dozed watching season 3 of 'mom' until 7 am.  made jerky omelet added avocado in lettuce wrap.  i have no appetite but get low blood sugar shakes.  so i eat.  

my skull and right neck hurt so badly i feel sick in my stomach.  i took willow and massaging base of skull and right temple around eye socket.  i'm crocheting pockets while i wait out the pain.  i'm using the pain energy in my affirmations.  

doing affirmations i raise my energy and therefor the energy of the planet.  i know i'm clearing the negativity here.  when i lived on radio ave a neighbor commented and commended me for raising the energy.  my passion purpose is to leave this world a better place than when i came here.  

sun 24-not driving is what my back needs.  and not doing the yard or cleaning gutters on ladders in the rain as i've done so many years.  the guilt nags at me.  i just did mindlessly as i was trained to do.  taking care of their business following orders that became unspoken i was so well trained, habituated.  me and Pavlov.

3 pm break in the weather i put out recycle and garbage bins, picked up fruit, put it in shower to dry and noticed leaf clogged gutter is pulling away from garage roof.  i can rejoice it's always going to be something and this is minor.  wow i'm different.  i'm rereading 'you can heal your life' 2017 printing.  

showered

left shoulder blade sore from dumping bike 19??   my ankle hurt so bad i didn't notice the shoulder 'til 20? years later Dr. Gail Hume asked how i jammed the 3rd rib into my spine.  took me a week to remember.  Kaiser just x-ray ed ankle after i insisted.  so when she checked my ankle a bone had been out of place all those years too.  

Kaiser.  it all depends on the doctor you have.

i'm having childhood flashbacks physically, mentally, emotionally of abuse, being hit, slapped, burned, stuck with pins.  mom and alien.  disease is  un forgiveness.

been to $tore

my small tube of mastic disappeared from hanging on door.  i bought a tube and 3 movies and vitamin c.  

feeling so tired.  still a little under the weather.  could be the rain.  it's almost like i'm allergic to rain.  i showered exercised and computed in locker room and upstairs.  my back feels so weak and unstable.  

i picked up lunch visited the gang with toke and came home noon.  ate  and lay down.  watched 'mom' slept 2 hours so relaxed.  body got achy.  if i stretch every 2 hours i could rest well.  

forgot to open page

Tuesday 10/19

i realize injury radiates from the point of impact.  like shock waves the pressure is dissipated throughout the body.  

avocado facial

i'm using the skin.  i use the lunch containers for veg prep and discard at seniors.  so perfect full circle.  showered exercised at 9 avoiding creepy mouse lady.  

i computed in the locker room, at the fireplace desk and upstairs.  loaded lucky's free seltzer water and safe way select pizza.  picked up lunch and walked out with toke.  she brought me fence repair lead.  i don't know if i want to replace it.  i've always wanted cyclone fence.  looks so clean and see through.  i'll wait.  i gave her my copy of la Ronde article auntie sent me from Hawaii.

i went to college safe way 2 clearance shrimp zucchini spaghetti salads and rice crackers.  i have 'til 19th to redeem pizza.  the salad was twice the price in wrong place.  i considered returning salads but i'm worth it.   i want to try zucchini noodles.  

i went to lucky's walked store only seltzer.  talked to store Cathy.  

i remembered to pay consumer cellular due tomorrow i may not want to drive.  no reception at st just i continued to back main.  then home for lunch 1 pm.  i ate 5 ounces rice crackers and slept an hour watching tv.  feeling sick.  i ate second half b'fast sandwich.  i put zucchini salad garlic butter in cup for toast later.  

rested Saturn day felt sick coughing, runny nose caught bug from coughing man didn't cover mouth in hot tub Thursday.  vitamin c all day.  picking up fruit 9 am toke left p b cookies, pomegranate and copy of la Ronde restaurant article from auntie on front porch.  i remember going when i was 8 or 9.  i called toke to thank her and we reminisced a bit, sharing memories of childhood.  i read my library joke books to cheer me up, watched 'purple rain'.  glad i never paid for movie ticket.  i made pasta small shells and 2 tuna with sour cream and half tomato sauce and cooked the salads for lunch and dinner with other half of sauce.  i've never enjoyed cooking having started at 8 yrs old and never been appreciated only punished for screwing up.  

sun day 4:30 woke back hurting as usual.  feeling sad and hopeless from childhood.  i recognize the feeling as being very old.   b'fast i ate half the pasta in lettuce wraps.  pain better by 10:30.  i still don't feel like going out.  my parents were never home weekends.  it was just me and misty home all weekend.  alien gone with her friends.  

12:30 Cathy de medio called while waiting for the bus.  lovely 20 minute catch up.  i envy her living in senior living.  no upkeep worries.  everyone on the same page.  she thanked me for Halloween card and stickers so i know auntie got hers..  

celebrity wheel 2-pumping iron at muscle beach

in the locker room 9 am

good internet reception.  woo hoo!  listened you tube.  better and better.  little things mean a lot.  big things are gargantuan.  

i showered exercised stretched a lot.  listened to you tube while changing.  went upstairs to finish computing and charging.  picked up lunch 11:30 talked to toke.  bookmobile returned movies picked up 'purple rain' even 'tho i don't like prince.  drove to cup library remembered utilities due paid online.  ate a little mediocre lunch.  

realized i could hot tub went to g-1.  alien type in hot tub told me to shower after i'd washed my hair.  i told her i had.  i pointedly ignored her.  soaked 20 minutes stretching. 

home in time for "love boat" finished lunch.  stretching my brain and body.  

feeling weird.

i get it.  i don't have to listen to anyone ever again.  i don't have to hear them.  they don't matter.  they're just trying to feel important.  

oh feeling sick. went to seniors 9 and stayed 'til 1:30

i remembered to look for joke books.  i need to laugh.  i checked mission and went directly close at 2.  picked up star trek too.

watching 'closer' when her mom dies and how supportive her honey was.  tom wouldn't even listen.  and all the times i listened to his repeated whining about his brother being mean to him.  

my skull and right side of neck hurt.  tailbone.  

fence blew down yesterday-indigenous people day

i went out noon to pick up fruit and the sidewalk was covered in fence.  i freaked out tried to pick it up.  my back neck talking to me.  right side skull is still sore.  i called Jason from June weed clearing fireman Nick answered.  city closed holiday.  he offered to call around to find out what to do.  when he called back he had permission from his captain to come by 2:30-3.  he showed up 3:30 surveyed situation and called for another firetruck.  waiting i told him of taking care of mom and dad and he shared after his divorce he moved next door to his parents in Saratoga with his daughter.  he's second gen fire fighter.  i advised him to hire professionals to care for his parents as they age.  it's too hard emotionally as well as physically.  

i woke racked with pain.  it's taken all day to work through the pain.  my tailbone is sore.  my face and body itch from the high winds blowing.  i showered exercised computed.  i don't care no guilt.  i'm no longer obsessing.  hurray!!  i was late picking up lunch toke was later.  i gave her avocados.  hurray i didn't have to drop at her home.

i mailed Halloween cards, used expiring just 4 u coupons safe way 5 soup, stag chili, 98 cent lettuce for $3.58.  felt so successful i went Walmart paid pge and bought nicotine gum.  home 1:30 i wasn't hungry but i ate my gristly lunch before my blood sugar drops and i get the shakes like yesterday.  

i'm taking time off

yesterday i rested.  tomorrow seniors closed.

today i went gym-2 soaked in hot tub and cooled in pool 10 am.  11 went to sunny vale library.  looks like they're open tomorrow so i came home 12:30.  i forgot to bring lunch.

i put out garbage bin without back brace BIG mistake.  my back is screaming, stomach messed up.  i keep biting my lip chewing on the right.  Big mistake.  oh, well.  i'm not perfect i'm a work in progress. 

i don't like talking.

most people just like the sound of their own voice and don't listen.  don't hear anyone else.  attention starved.  energy vampires.  

i used to spend hours on the phone listening to the family drone on about the drama in their lives.  i used to think i liked talking on the phone.  i don't believe i ever did.  i was just expected to listen.  conditioned to enable them.  Tom used me to entertain Della.  his family was one of petty jealousies too.  we had so much in common at the beginning and diverged.

delighted 4 quarters change machine

proves change is good.

i decided to celebrate

misty's b'day.  i took package of oreos and half gallon chocolate milk i gave to inge to distribute.  i always sent cards and bought cakes or pies for everyone's b'days.  dad's favorite pie was lemon meringue until i bought a nation's custard.  and mom loved Aki's guava cake.  it gives me joy to bring joy.

i kept waking up and stayed in bed 'til 7.  

i remembered to check mission c u and finished banking for this month except for ira.

i think i figured it out

if i don''t click reconnect and re open it connection disappears.  

i went to dollar store and found Halloween cards, amber wash, clearance plastic wrap and tall bags.  then seniors #1 spot.  washed hair, exercised, stretched, computed.  i picked up lunch and went st just pantry.  considered Chris no avocados.  

home i gave avocados to postman parked in front of me.  took me half hour to unload, sort and put away groceries.  i ate fatty rosemary chicken lunch 12:30.  tried whole grain brown rice crackers.  pretty good.  

lovely cool.  watered porch plants.  my pelvis is so sore.  skin is smooth again.  i was feeling like tree bark.  

finished shower exercise stretching

i forgot chrome charger and ear buds at home so i used chrome only for wheel.  i forgot to look for 'star trek.'  i'm in the mood for familiar action.  gerde drove in as i was leaving so i flagged her down to park #2 i took out her walker and she gave me 10 new white cotton panties.  i left to pick up st just pantry and closed Mondays so i went to chase for banking and dropped off fruit at Toki's.  home 11:45 'f troop'.  

when i woke 4:30 i thought it was Tuesday.  i stayed in bed 'til 7 and ate mac cheese b'fast.  heaven!  i love leftovers.  i put out recycle bin.  seniors at 8 #4 parking spot.  i showered and exercised remembering the class at 9 i stretched first.  

11 min experiment

i tried to re purpose extra blog but didn't work.  i did some computing at s v library after g 2 shower and soak.  thinking of checking out dollar store.  i got amber wash, cards, stickers, burrito i've been wanting and clearance 25 cent foam hand soap.  

1 pm home for 'concentration.'  i made mac 'n cheese again.  Kraft is better.  cooked broccoli and left over chicken.  the shelf milk is still good from 2015.  

i watched 2014 black 'Annie' for the first time.  I'ma borrow it if i can find it.  and spell check accepted that.  i cut my nails and typing is so much easier.  i consider typing work.  i hear Maynard G Krebs from 'Dobie Gillis' in my head saying work.   

60 minutes Facebook and tony Bennett good reports.

celebrity wheel-your guess is as good as mine, i'll never hear the end of this.  so on a great week i can watch 7 nights.

i'm so glad

i woke up when plastic canister fell 4:30.  i watched 'avengers infinity war'.  so much fighting i found it boring.  i'm doing what i feel.  and i feel good.  i stretched.  i may stay home all day.  i folded put away laundry, picked up a bag of fruit.  

i caught part of 'Misty of Chincoteague' movie on channel 42.  i read so many horse stories by Margeurite Henry and 'black stallion' by Walter Farley.  i remember trying to find the movie when i was a kid.  i got to watch it today for free.  and a new movie for me 'You'll find out' starring Peter Lorre, Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi along with 'the ghost and Mrs Muir' Rex Harrison, Gene Tierney.  only the best classic movies survive.  video heaven.

i got a letter and $20 from auntie!!!!

laff laundry closed 8 am

completely gutted.  it's been slow since pandemic and school is just finally reopened.  

seniors downstairs has 2 table and chairs for computing charging.  the pools are still 'closed'.  when i mentioned to janitor don the pool toys he blamed Albert's kid.  no reason for kid's toys to be here unless they were using pools.  i hope i don't look that stupid.

i picked up lunch and came to lucky laundry Lincoln-Scott.  back parking lot more convenient and 3 load $3.25 compared to Laff $4.50.  i may go back to seniors.  i'm the boss.  

back at seniors same #1 parking losing shade getting hotter.  allergies bad today.  i computed for an hour listening to healing and ate half my lunch.  when i pulled in i had waited for 3 Asians standing talking their native language to move from space #1.  when leaving i backed up and younger old man moves in front of my car telling me i have to go all around parking lot.  then he starts trying to insult me don't i understand English in his heavily accented voice.  i told him i've probably been speaking English longer than he meaning his second language and he assumes i'm older than him saying i think the rules don't apply to me anymore because i'm older.  the woman asks me to placate him so i ask them are they they parking lot police, no.  he tries to get the older old man to get someone from inside.  no, he doesn't want to go.  he tells me he never argues so i ask him what he thinks he's doing.  i asked him why he wants to give himself high blood pressure this is so silly.  he says his blood pressure is fine 70/100 low blood pressure.  

so i pull back into my space to get them out of the road and the car in front of me leaves and i follow it out of the lot.  got home unloaded car with cart and hung clothes.  watched my 'love boat.' 

what a trip.  i opened page for tomorrow if it stays without connection.  yay! it did so far.  

i surrender

i let go and let god.  end of month assessment.  water in June 50 gal.  every month increase 'til 117 gal last and this this month.  new water softener more on electric too.  

i dropped the recharging flashlight and a button fell off.  took me half hour to take it apart and fix it.  i did it.  i'm back.

i finally understand alien is mom to misty.  that's why they neglected and humiliated mom too.  they used mom for money.  they steal from me like dad did.  it's like i chose the best from them and the sisters chose worst.  

i ate chips toke left at door and has ms g.  i need to check the ingredients.  i'm shaking.  vibrating in not a good way.  

watching 'avengers endgame' is a football game.  and watching 'concentration' keeps my thinking flexible.

my thumb still hurts

i finally figured out it's my neuropathy.  no longer numb.  the infected feeling comes and goes so it isn't an infection.  and i still have a big blue bruise on my left ankle.  as a child i was always hitting my ankle bones and Eric hitting my heel with a 600 lb box didn't help.  

i was going to eat at seniors but i came home to wash off red pepper sauce from the baked fish to avoid the arthritis impact.  i think my allergies and arthritis are part of the genetic autism.  i can compensate with diet and exercise.  having first hand experience with what works is great.  ram das/Richard Alpert guru ingested and neutralized his drugs consciously.  

i'm creating a new pattern of living

i'm feeling extremely uncomfortable.  if not for spell check this would be indiscernible.  8:45 lots of parking.  i'm learning to take care of me.  i'm so proud.  scary 'tho.  

i showered, exercised, computed 'til 11:30 hoping to see toke.  filled water bottles.  'chop wood, carry water.'  saw her and said hello to table.  toke gave me apple strudel bites i gave her fruit i picked up today.  came home noon.

i learned anti social from mom.  she taught us only people to be used allowed.  i couldn't live that way so i was punished and blamed.  

youngsheldon.com-missy

kids have it tough

there's so much to learn.  and it's constantly evolving.  change is the only constant.  kids have energy to learn everything ahead of them, the last tv special i watched on world climate said it's up to the kids to fix.  doesn't seem fair.  like the sins of the fathers are suffered by the kids.  that's why i didn't push to have kids.  i see enough suffering in the world.  i work not to add to it.  i do what i can to make it better.  

i let go

i soaked stretched.  i brought pork brown rice to library.  i wonder if parking laws apply when library closed, probably.  

it's malfunctioning again.  i don't know.  i'm working around it.

i'm hungry break time.  i also ate a fruit bar.  i learned if a door is open the remote lock doesn't work.  i can manually lock the car and the unlock opens.                                                                                                                                                                           today's daily word 'let go let god' i'm hanging out in shade.  15 minutes 'til library opens.  i finally remembered to look up 'nothingbundtcakes.'   just as i thought the mini is $5.              45 minutes to charge chrome.   done computing 3:30 home for rest.  strange people in the library.  homeless man kept trying to engage with me.  i successfully avoided him.                                                                                           

  

my purpose is to have more fun

i went to walmart to pay pge.  i got there 7:40 and was told 20 minutes 'til online.  i walked store nothing i wanted.  while waiting i found discarded plastic hanging strip.  paid.  coin machine had quarter covered in lipstick.  i washed it with spray alcohol.  

on to seniors 8:15 too early for #1-2 spot.  old asian man asked me to apply bandage to his scraped forehead.  he reminded me of dad.  i showered exercised stretched 45 minutes.  changed, computed.  picked up lunch decided to give old guy avocados.  

drove to kyo nothing i wanted.  got to cup library noon my favorite shady spot.  timing.  i picked up 'pain free' and 'avengers infinity war.'  so many fantasy movies about war.  i just want to see groot in action.  what a use of creative energy.  war is the reflection of mankind's confrontational interior.  when spiritual peace is a reality we will live in peace.

yesterday i dropped off avocados at toke's and she dropped off a mini lemon bundt cake.  i called her to thank her and found she left 3 voice mails concerned i wasn't staying for lunch.  we talked half hour.  i missed concentration at 5 and watched the repeat at 8.  i don't have to miss anything.  i don't like talking.  i like learning and healing.  and having fun.

clash of the titans

i'm watching.  people tried to make sense of the world.  they described life as they understood it based on their experience.  they didn't know atoms or electrons.   they didn't know electricity or magnetism.  they created gods, devils, monsters to explain their fears and emotions not knowing chemistry.  addiction, medication is an attempt to control physical chemistry.  

happy baby

thinking = worry.  most people don't think and are happy.  people avoid thinking.  talk shows are popular because people want someone to tell them what to believe and do.  they don't want to think.  then they blame someone else.  like the family blaming me for thinking=causing their unhappiness.

lying in tub so good

i went 8 am.  too my time arrived sunny vale pondering how long i wanted to stay.  or if i wanted to stay.  games too slow i stayed.  i still feel sick.  i feel weird.  heavy and light at the same time.  my tail bone hurts besides my neck right temple.  i just want to go home.  that's new.

games are slow.  i brought pbb and spaghetti sandwiches just in case i get hungry.  11:30 bored with slow computer i went to sunny vale $tore for c drops, amber m wash, found pink infinity scarf, complete toothpaste.  home 12:30 half of 'medium' cooked frozen hamburger patties gravy.  on bread so good i ate 4.  my tummy happy.

8:30 pm i just realized i'm processing getting my family off my back this life and all the way back in time.  and my symptoms now are what i experienced after carrying dad to emergency 3 times.  i didn't have time to feel it then working to pay my bills and staying constantly vigilant and trying to have some kind of life.  i didn't have the energy or time.  it was a luxury i couldn't afford.

oh, my aching body

i'm keeping on.  i showered, biked, stretched 45 minutes 'til i felt better.  jeanie gave me 2 more doll dress scrubbers pink and green.  i'm dealing with nausea.  reminds me of the first 6 months and 4 doctors 1972.  ex telling me it was all in my mind.  i lived on lemon drop candy.  at least i haven't vomited like i did then.  i'm feeling sick.  my body saying i need rest.

i computed, loaded double lucky's points.  picked up sushi + free water, clearance frozen banquet hamburger steaks 6/$2.50 college safe way parking lot packed returning students.  

home noon watched 'medium.'  ate lunch meatball roll added mustard sauce.  stomach still hurting.  ate meatball roll added sauce and mustard.  lay down 2 hours up for 'love boat.'  i want to be able to sleep tonight.  

feeling is so painful

and the nausea is back.  2001 i'd feel starving hungry and after i ate i'd have such horrific cramps i took vicodin and slept through digesting.  all part of the 8 years i spent bed ridden praying for death.  the beginning of feeling.  

feeling sad and angry.  over what i don't know.  i can change my feelings as easily as drinking water.  i'm drinking a lot of water.

jeanie looked good

she was in gym leaving as i went to change so i walked out with her and gave her avocados i picked up,  asked me tomorrow no need.

don't know what was wrong with that page

it wouldn't update or publish.  maybe left from weekend malfunction.  so i deleted and started over.  

i showered, exercised, stretched an hour i was so sore.  i stretched out my aches and pains.  i computed 'til i got bored.  picked up lunch.  today last day for panera gift card 10 k lucky bonus points.  and i bought bread.  i forgot to give kathy phone number and manager added to my card saying he'd forgotten his bonus.  

decided to go america's tire for air check alert done 10 minutes i gave him avocados.  the first time i didn't have to wait and find someone in the office.  

came home so tired 12:30.  i ate and had to lie down i felt tired sick.  i slept 2 hours.  dragged myself not feeling like it but i didn't want to be awake all night.  

i realized while exercising my family is the same they've always been.  i deluded myself expecting them to appreciate me.  my fantasy.  they continue to neglect and abuse me.  i'm still expecting them to change.  i have to change.

i don't know what i'm doing

i arrived seniors 7:30 after putting out garbage, recycle.  i showered, exercise, computed, filled water bottles, picked up lunch, dropped off trunk avocados to toke.  home 11:30 to watch 'f troop'.

my tailbone is throbbing.  i put in prayer request and took my willow, hemp, passion.  i called ishmael chandler for hard copy he doesn't deal in records.  he sent 2 emails and invoice and receipt with only dollar amount no details.  no record i paid discover.  he keeps no paper records.  

i ate too many beets

i boiled them.  not as good as roasting but way easier.  so my stomach is complaining.  oh, well.  i could have done half and half but didn't think of it.

i'm feeling

pretty good after doing wash.  i slept normal 6 hours.  i'm glad to be feeling good.  after numbing myself to survive feeling has been so painful.  processing all the old injuries.  i'm better. 

i exercised next to crazy republican.  sounds redundant.  loaded lucky's free yogurt and big lots soda.  after stretching new pain areas. i picked up lunch.  i still went st just pantry 2 bags just right amount from chris.  i left kelly's clothes.  he spotted avocado in trunk.  what acquisitive eyes.  drumsticks, potatoes, onions, beets, cherry turnovers, rolls, eggs, brown rice.

lucky's freebie and turmeric salad dressing 25 cents.  nice chat with cathy getting divorce from gay man.  home 12:30 i put away food beets!  slowly putting away laundry.  i'm cooking beets.  i removed tags from 2 x shirt.  i'm inspired to sew.  

i went to charge phone and emergency alert blocking display.  i tried figuring out phone and came across chandler.  called requested again itemized receipt for my records.  

i want something i don't know what.  i got water from car and watered porch plants.  i ate the free yogurt not good not bad.  

hanging out laff laundry maxi load

my finger is better.  a week to heal.  like normal.  

i have all the time in the world and still feel pressured by 'family' in my head.  very humid monsoon weather.  may lightning thunderstorm.  i listened to healing on chrome.  

laundry man loaded heavy wet clothes into my car for me.  wow.  i like having help.

i checked college safe way.  parked backward with view of street.  oblivious kid messing with his car parked at curb loses track of his little puppy and it almost gets hit by passing car.  i shout to kid his puppy is going to get smashed and he runs, grabs, puts it in car, waves thanks to me.  i wave back ok.  in store i found clearance frozen atkin's chicken margarita $2. good lunch.

i came home after double checking blog opened.  stopped @ mission paid city then home 11:30 'f troop.'  cooked chicken, ate, wheeled in basket, hung clothes.  it occurred to me i could take all day.  wonderfully freeing.  no mom yelling at me to hurry.  she never yelled at my sisters, they never did anything like dad.  kathy readler assumed dad was dead because i never mentioned him.  he never did anything.  the life of reilly to lie in a hammock all day.  his idea of heaven killed him.  inactivity made him sick.

i can go sunny vale and cup open if i want.  or 24 hour gym.  

c 22 years 9-5 sunday morning

7 am i'm feeling restless don't know what to do.  i'm exercising and remembering how it was and wasn't.  and i'm focusing on what i want more importantly who i choose to be.

i spent the night fitfully waking every 2 hours.  i thank god i have tv to soothe me, calm me.  got up half hour ago wondering what for b'fast.  sun day morning is running 9-11.  8:46-9:03 est how well i remember waking 6:46 turning on the tv lying in bed with my back broken, shredded from caring for the parents, disappointed, heart broken my sisters were attacking me for the estate.  i was confused seeing the same scene on every channel.  i turned on the sound and 7:03 watched the second jet impact the second world center tower.  i cried for those dead and those left behind glad mom had died may 13 and didn't see the horror, couldn't feel the wave of despair.

no wonder i'm not hungry.

c- finger still bruised-oh, dad tomorrow died sun day 9/5/99

i'm glad it stopped bleeding.  i don't have to worry about thick blood.  heart attack and stroke.  i'm keeping band aids with me.  i have quite a selection from years ago.  

9:38 cup library to ensure shade parking.  took 8 minutes 4.6 miles the long way.  thinking of what to have for lunch nothing is appealing.  

sigh.  

i asked about free wi-fi, just have to be close enough and accept terms.  i'm sitting comfortable living room chair hassock.  nice to just breath.  

safe way website loaded 2 sanitizer freebies.  played my games, filled 2 waters i used to wash car windows.  left noon decided to look for freebies.  none.  asked re stock er taking inventory out of stock for weeks only one shipment ever.  i bought clearance pumpkin cream turnovers, assorted danish.  front end manager suggested i look on register displays for freebies.  i found sterling solitaire ring on floor.  considered lost and found, nah.  fits perfectly.  made for me.

best day

woke 4:30 watched 'love boat 'til 6, ate b'fast, went to seniors, filled 5 bottles, showered, exercised, charged chrome, computed added free baguette lucky's 500 points chipotle gift card, picked up lunch, went to college safe way dollar stag chili only 3 left clearance frozen kung pao chicken $3.50, lucky's 2 ears corn 19 cents, free bread, home 12:45.

ate cold dog added mustard, ketchup, relish, mayo.  liked the baked beans, cauliflower overcooked broccoli tough.  i'm actually enjoying myself.  i cooked the chicken found the pan i have to remember to put away or it gets moldy.  

picker pinched my finger

poor design or purposely?  probably second.  i picked bag of avocados using the adjustable basket from orchard supply.  the grooves are at the top where the basket crushes your hand.

3100

i was home by 12:45.  i showered exercised, computed, charged chrome, filled 4 bottles.  i picked up lunch to go.  mailed life insurance and withdrew from chase.  drove to star one deposited and home.  doesn't matter i forgot last month.  check is covered 164.  

so many new feelings.  i'm feeling a little sad.  sun day will be 22 years since dad died.  2 days to die in the hospital.  a year and a month in agony.  dad's sad stubborn life and death.  and alien torturing us for months.  manipulating mom dad nit me.  horribly sad.  the family tradition of tragedy.  makes me afraid for their kids.

my eyes are burning from smoky air.  

early day

i went to chase limited k withdrawal.  tomorrow i'll see if the limit pertains inside.  or not.  i can wait.  wow!  i've always been so obsessive.  

i showered , exercised, stretched, changed, put wet clothes in car, charged chrome, watched boring film, picked up good lunch, came home 11:45, ate lunch.  took my supplements from this morning.  i cooked potato onion egg for later.  i took kava passion to relax.  

i'm feeling delightfully deliciously tired.  a day well spent.  

woke 3:30 left house 6:30

no idea what time i slept.  tv was boring so i watched 'love boat.'  felt pretty good.  showered, exercised early.  gamed listening to 'attract love' and 'release guilt.'  

ate lunch with inga, art, hell.  stomach ache.  thought to go chase banking part 1.  not on moon day.  home rest, relax.

i filled green bin

i woke my regular 5:30 watched 'love boat'.  i made potato onion omelet.  i dressed 8:30 waiting to be.  i went outdoors to check porch plants.  watered.  since the bin was by cactus i cut a little.  it was lovely cool.  i filled half and moved it into street already heavy.  i cut a few more paddles and it was to top.  immovable.   

feeling sticky i drove to G-2 after much thought debate.  showered, tubed, cold pool, showered dressed.  i have such resistance to the location.  half mile closer.  next to super safe way i walked store clearance coconut milk.  

more convenient i came to library.  i considered i brought p'nut butter butter and banana.  i looked at Panera menu.  i've been buying and eating the wrong sandwiches.  not the ones i wanted.  i tried online couldn't manage.  drove 3 miles noon and thought i can come back to library, huh.  never occurred to me.  i always wanted to visit on sun day but no gumption.  being out and about like gravity.   i ate half roasted turkey bacon avocado and p'nut butter butter and a banana.  

i filled 4 water.  my regular chair occupied i went in back.  better reclining chairs, outlets on table, isolated.  more room to spread out and no one telling me to keep my flips on.

strange traveling pains my feet and legs.