MOM

WATCHING TV HAS ALWAYS SHOWN ME A DIFFERENT REALITY.  PEOPLE WHO LOVE EACH OTHER.  MY MOM CONSTANTLY THREATENED ME 'I'LL KILL YOU'.  SHE CAME AT ME WITH SHEARS, BURNED ME, HIT, SLAPPED ME.

SHE TAUGHT ME TO HATE MYSELF.  IT'S SO DEEPLY HURTING.  STILL.

I'M HERE TO HEAL.

I TOOK MY SORE TIRED BODY TO $STORE AND ON TO SENIORS.  SO MANY ARE THERE FOR THE POSTURING.  WASTE OF ENERGY AND RESOURCES.  HOT TUB DID THE TRICK.

I DECIDED TO CHECK IN AND OUT CHROME AT MISSION.  I DON'T HAVE TO DO IT TOMORROW AT CENTRAL.  EASIER PARKING, SMALLER VENUE, PERSONAL LIBRARIAN.  ON TO CHASE.  I CONSIDERED STAR ONE AND DECIDED BECAUSE OF RAIN I'LL WAIT BUT CARLOS HAS MY CAR MONDAY FOR MAINTENANCE.  HMM...

I READ THE NEWSPAPER AND SAW 'IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE' 8 PM CHANNEL 11.  I LOOKED ALL OVER FOR COPY AND FINALLY FOUND IT.  I ALSO FOUND 'IT WAS A WONDERFUL LIFE' DOCUMENTARY 1992 ON INVISIBLE HOMELESS WOMEN.  USED AND ABANDONED BY A SYSTEM SEEING THEM AS WORTHLESS.  LIKE ME SINCE I GOT SICK.  I'M GETTING HEALTHIER,  MAYBE I WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND LOU KILLED HERSELF AND THE PRODUCERS NOT HELPING THESE WOMEN WITHOUT WHOM THERE WOULDN'T BE A MOVIE.  WHAT GIVES?  THEY COULDN'T HELP THEM WITH SOME COMMUNAL HOUSING.

I DON'T GET IT.  NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.

SO I DROVE TO STAR ONE AND BACK TO LIBRARY.  NEW BEHAVIOR.  WITH GOD EVERYTHING IS LIGHT; TRAFFIC, WEATHER.

 

UP SINCE 4

FLASHING BACK TO 1160 LAWRENCE STA RD.  IT WAS JUST AS COLD AS NOW.  IT SNOWED.

THAT'S WHERE AND WHEN MY BODY BECAME LOCKED.  MOM'S VIOLENCE.  COOKING CLEANING FOR THE FAMILY.  SO MANY LIES.  CONSTANTLY SCAPEGOATED.  ALCOHOLIC WAIPAHU UNCLE VISITING, FOLLOWING THE FAMILY TRADITION.  MOM'S SHINTO SHRINE.  ONLY ME BEING BURNED WITH INCENSE TO EXPIATE THE FAMILY SINS.  GOING OUT OF BODY.

MOM AND DAD CONTINUED BEING KIDS WITH ME BEING THE FIELD HAND.  I WASN'T HIRED I NEVER GOT PAID.  AILEEN AND MITZI GOT MONEY FOR NOTHING.

WE GREW UP IN THAT HOUSE.  ALL OF US.  I HAVE FEW HAPPY MEMORIES AND MANY HORRIBLE TRAUMATIC ONES.  I JUST WANTED TO DISAPPEAR.  GOING OUT OF BODY WAS THE NEXT BEST THING.

IT'S TAKEN YEARS TO EXPERIENCE THE PAIN IN FREAKING DOSES TO REMAIN IN BODY.  I'M SO READY TO DIE.  I'M LIVING FOR GOD.  NOT DONE WITH ME YET.

I'M THANKFUL

I HAVE PEACE AND COMFORT.  MY CHAOTIC CHILDHOOD I WANTED PEACE AND COMFORT.  I NEVER SPECIFIED MORE.  I WAS A CHILD.

THAT CHILD HAS CREATED AN EXTERNAL CHAOS TO MIRROR BALANCE THE INTERNAL CHAOS OF MY CHILDHOOD.  GETTING IT OUT OF ME INTO THE WORLD TO RELEASE.

I'VE BEEN AWAKE SINCE 4;30.  I'M WATCHING FIRST SEASON OF MEDIUM.  I GUESS I NEVER REALLY PAID ATTENTION IN 2005.  I WAS STILL BEDRIDDEN.  IT'S BEEN SYNDICATED AND I WATCH ON TV SOMETIMES.  I'VE NEVER BEEN ALONE EITHER.

I GOT THE DVD FROM COUNTY LIBRARY FOR BINGE WATCHING THIS WEEKEND.  I HAVE 'TIL NEXT MONDAY.

i went to exercise 10;30.  unheard of.  i didn't hurt.  miracle.  left 24 hour noon and parked 2 blocks at library.  short line inside.  i saw walter and sat with him.  cathy was there and thanked me for only card.  stayed 'til 2 and car rallied to 1st.  better potatoes.  all white attitude.  i noticed mini eric homeless.  came home 4;30. 

I'M FEELING RATHER GOOD.  ST CLARE BETTER FOOD & PEOPLE.  i thought of calling villa serena didn't.  not time yet.

I'VE NEVER HAD A VISION

I'VE NEVER BEEN ALLOWED TO HAVE ANYTHING I WANTED.  I NEVER VISUALIZED WHAT I DESERVED BECAUSE MY FAMILY CRUSHED MY DREAMS.

MY FOCUS MUST BE WHAT I WANT TO SEE, FEEL, TASTE AND LIVE.  FOCUS AND VISION ARE WHAT I NEED.

I WANT TO FEEL HAPPY.  I HAVE TO REMEMBER FUN TIMES.

HORSE DREAM

I WATCHED TV 'TIL 10 FELL ASLEEP 11 WOKE 11:15 DREAM OF HORSE IN FAMILY ROOM.  I CALM HORSE AND IT REGRESSES TO MINI FILLY I PICK UP AND COMFORT.  I HAVE OLDER CAPABLE WOMAN HELPING ME.

TOOK TRIAL RUN AGNEW P O BY APPOINTMENT ONLY.  I'LL TRY.  HOME BY 3.  TOOK HALF HOUR DRIVE.  JUST AS I CAME HOME IT STARTED TO RAIN.  AND IT'S SO DARK.

I just spent 2 hours trying to fill out renewal application and setting an appointment and zero zippo.

what i want

ALL I EVER WANTED IS PEACE AND RESPECT.  THE HOME WAS CHAOS 24/7.  NOW I'M BUILDING PEACE.  FOR ME.  THAT'S A BIG ENOUGH JOB FOR ME.  CONSIDERING MY HISTORY GIGANTIC.

CAR MAINTENANCE LIGHTS FOR TIRE AND ENGINE CAME ON I'M PEACE FILLED.  NOT JOY DAILY WORD I ACCEPT IT.  40 DEGREE COLD.  I LIKE IT CAR DOESN'T.

I WANT A WORLD OF PEOPLE DOING GOOD BECAUSE IT MAKES THEM FEEL GOOD.
A WORLD OF PEOPLE DOING THE RIGHT THING.  A SIMPLE WORLD.

I MISS ERIC.  MAYBE WHEN I REMEMBER THE HAPPY TIMES I'LL STOP FEELING SAD.  AND HE'S HAPPY NOW WITH HIS DAD.

SCHEDULED SYNTHETIC OIL CHANGE AND DIAGNOSTIC/CARLOS MONDAY 9.

I WANTED SMOKES WALGREEN'S AND REMEMBERED PASSPORT PHOTO.  HUZZAH!!

O-O-O-ORINDA

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE DREAM MEANS.  MAYBE NOTHING.

I'M FEELING SAD.  MOM AND DAD TRIED TO RUN AWAY FROM IT.  THAT'S WHAT THEY TAUGHT ME.  IT DOESN'T WORK.

ADDICTION IS ALL ABOUT TRYING TO CONTROL AND AVOID FEELINGS.  BY FEELING THE FEELINGS THEY EVAPORATE, DISSIPATE, DISAPPEAR.  WIPE THE SLATE CLEAN.

GOOGLED ORINDA.  NAMED FOR KATHERINE PHILLIPS 1 JAN 1631-22 JUN 1664.  'THE MATCHLESS ORINDA.'  WIKIPEDIA 'THE IDEAL FEMALE WRITER VIRTUOUS, PROPER CHASTE.'  NO CONSENSUS ON MEANING.  GOLD OR TREES.

OFTEN COMPARED TO APHRA BEHN 14 DEC 1640-16 APR 1689.  WHO SEEMED TO HAVE MORE FUN.

 MY LIFE WAS A LIVING HORROR TRAGEDY TOTALLY CREATED BY PEOPLE IN DENIAL.  THE FASCINATION WITH FRANKENSTEIN.  MAN MADE MONSTERS.

I DESERVE MORE FUN.  NO EXERCISE. 

LUCKY'S IS 3 X POINTS SO PICK UP LUNCH AT SARATOGA.  WHAT WAS I THINKING PAYING $8/LB.  I GOT ROAST TURKEY AND HAM.  $3.20 NOT MUCH.  MIX VEG .99.  I MADE NOODLE SOUP TURKEY AND VEG SOUP HAM.