WHOLE NEW DAY

THE BOOK DIDN'T TURN ITSELF OFF AND RAN DOWN.  I HAD TO RECHARGE AND RECONFIGURE MY SETTINGS. 

I'M FEELING HOPEFUL.  I THREW OUT A BUNCH OF STUFF.  99% LEFT TO GO.

I LOVE PG WODEHOUSE

THE CRAFTSMANSHIP IS SO EVIDENT.  I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF NOT TO GET CARRIED AWAY AND OBSESS.  I DO LOVE READING HIS STORIES.  I DON'T WANT TO OVERDO AND GIVE MYSELF A HEADACHE.  I DID THAT, DON'T NEED TO DO IT AGAIN. 

READING TOOK ME AWAY FROM MY HORRIBLE FAMILY.  DAD'S CANCER BROUGHT ME BACK.  MY LOYALTY SEEMS TO HAVE BETRAYED ME.  IS IT LOYALTY?  I COULDN'T BE ME WITHOUT IT WHATEVER IT IS.  THE LOVE I FEEL FOR MYSELF IS HALF DAD HALF MOM LIKE MY GENES. 

 

GROWING PAINS

NO MATTER HOW I TRY I HAVE NO IDEA WHY SOME MORNINGS MY BODY IS WRACKED WITH PAIN AND TODAY I'M PAIN FREE.  IT SEEMS TO HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT I DO OR EAT.

I ATE A LOT OF JUNK AND WASHED TWO LOADS I HUNG TO DRY, EXERCISED, WATCHED FUNNY DVD.  MAYBE WATCHING FUNNY SHOWS AND LAUGHING?  I DRANK TWO BEET JUICES?  I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE I DON'T DRINK ENOUGH TO FLUSH THE EXCESS SUGAR?  I DON'T KNOW.  AND NOW MY LEFT FOOT IS STARTING TO TWINGE.

MERRIEST

I'M SO RELAXED.  I MADE AND ATE MY OATMEAL.  I HAVE A FULL DAY ALL TO MYSELF.

AHH, THE PEACE AND QUIET, GOOD FOOD, DVDS; 2 CANTERVILLE GHOSTS, 80 DAYS AROUND THE WORLD.  TWO EPISODES JEOPARDY & WHEEL OF FORTUNE PRE-EMPTED FROM LAST NIGHTS FOOTBALL.  I'M HAPPY.  I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY WATCHING WHAT I WANT.  I DON'T HAVE TO HEAR ARGUMENTS, COMPLAINTS OR CRITICISMS.  BLISS.

LIFE IS GOOD.  I NAPPED TWO HOURS WATCHING DVDS.  I GUESS I NEEDED MORE REST. 

BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.

MORE DREAMS

TOMORROW'S CHRISTMAS AND I'M EXCITED.  USED TO FEELING DREAD.

2-8 I DREAMED OF BEING VERY HIGH ABOVE A BEACH SITTING ON A BOULDER WITH TWO WOMEN NATIVE TO THE AMAZON LAND.  THEY HELPED ME TO SAFETY.

I'M GETTING CLEARER ON MY LIFE.  ALL MY OLD RELATIONSHIPS WERE SO WRONG FOR ME.  TODAY I WENT TO SENIORS AND SPENT TIME WITH PEOPLE WHO LIKE ME.  PEOPLE REALLY LIKE ME UNLIKE MY FAMILY.  THEY NEVER LIKED ME OR MAYBE THEMSELVES.  EACH OTHER.  DISLIKING ME UNITED THEM.

I GAVE THEM PRESENTS.  I LOVE GIVING. 

I SPENT THE DAY IN PEACE AND LOVE.  I HAD WHAT I WANTED WHEN I WANTED.  I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW WONDERFUL THIS DAY HAS BEEN.

I WATCHED TV.  LOOKING ONLINE I HAD TWO BOOKS OVERDUE $1.50 I PAID, AND RENEWED.  I CHECKED LUCKY REWARDS AFTER 7 PM AND DIDN'T GET 1000 POINTS FOR THE HOLIDAY HAM MEAL, EMAILED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.  WHETHER I GET THE POINTS OR NOT I'M PROUD OF MYSELF FOR TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS.

I'VE BEEN JOURNALING SINCE 1976.  I WAS THE LONELIEST WHEN I WAS MARRIED.  I WANTED SOMEONE, ANYTHING TO CONNECT WITH.  MY FAMILY WAS THE SAME AS MY EX.  AT THE TIME HE ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED FOR MY BIRTHDAY AND FOR A LIST.  IT TOOK ME DAYS TO MAKE A LIST AND THEN HE DIDN'T GET ME ANYTHING I WANTED SAYING HE WANTED TO SURPRISE ME.  OH, I WAS SURPRISED.  THE NEXT YEAR HE ASKED AGAIN FOR A LIST AND I TOLD HIM NO, I MIGHT GET WHAT I WANTED IF I DIDN'T WRITE A LIST.  HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO HAVE ANYTHING I WANTED JUST LIKE MY FAMILY.

I WANT EVERYONE TO HAVE WHAT THEY WANT.  AS A CHILD I BELIEVED IF PEOPLE WERE HAPPY LIFE WOULD BE HAPPY.  I DIDN'T KNOW SOME PEOPLE'S HAPPINESS REQUIRED MAKING OTHER'S MISERABLE.

1976 I USED CONSCIOUS AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE FIRST TIME.  I'D USED SELF HYPNOSIS IN GRADE SCHOOL WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS.  I STUDIED AND BEFORE A TEST I'D TELL MYSELF THE NIGHT BEFORE THAT I WOULD REMEMBER EVERYTHING I STUDIED AND IT WORKED.  3.65 AVERAGE.

I'M READING DAMSEL IN DISTRESS BY P G WODEHOUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME ON GUTENBERG.ORG.  THE MOVIE STARRED FRED ASTAIRE BUT I'D NEVER READ IT BEFORE.  OUT OF PRINT.

MAYBE I CAN FIND W H BATES VISION IMPROVEMENT TOO.


                                                                                                             

dream fritz

I FELL ASLEEP 9:30 AND AWOKE TO THE DEATH OF FRITZ.  T AND MARTHA IN A BEAUTIFUL HOME OF COMFORT AND PEACE.  A COMPILATION OF CHARACTERS.  I'M MOURNING AND SAYING GOODBYE TO MY OLD LIFE.  MY REAL LIFE IS NOW.

MARTHA WAS A MEXICAN WILL KEPT ON THE SIDE FROM BEFORE I MET AND MARRIED WILL.  I DIDN'T FIND OUT UNTIL WE WERE IN COUNSELING AND SHE CALLED THE HOUSE THAT HE WAS CHEATING WITH HER TOO.  SO MANY WOMEN IN NEWARK 1982.  JUST LIKE TOMAS.  EXCEPT I KNEW WITH TOMAS FROM THE BEGINNING.

MY PARENTS WERE CHEATERS.  CHEATING THEMSELVES OF A GOOD LIFE.

I DESERVE LOVE OF MY OWN.

DREAM

THIS A.M. I AWOKE AT 6 FEELING VINDICATED.  I DREAMT I WAS IN THE LOCKER ROOM AND FOUND MY STOLEN JEWELRY AND CLOTHES REPORTED TO THE POLICE.  I CONFRONT SOPHIA LOREN TYPE AND AWAKE.

I JUST REALIZED HAPPY HANNAH AT SENIORS IS A PREDATOR WHO NOW HAS FIBROMYALGIA.  FROM VIET NAM SHE APPROACHED ME MONTHS AGO WITH A STORY OF TWO KIDS AND AN AMERICAN HUSBAND.  SHE CONSTANTLY COMPLIMENTED/GROOMING ME UNTIL SHE MET A MAN.  AND NOW SHE HAS FIBRO.

LIKE THE GILROY JEWELER WHO DIED OF A HEART ATTACK AFTER CHEATING ME ON A SIMPLE REPAIR.

WIDOW REVECCA ALWAYS NICE TO ME AT SENIORS WHEN I COULD BARELY STAND UP WHO 2 YEARS LATER MET AND MARRIED A RICH MAN, SOLD HER HOUSE AND MOVED TO ARIZONA.

WELSUN HAD CANCER.  DAD HAD 2 CANCERS.

WHEN I WAS BEDRIDDEN I WON A CADILLAC ESCALADE FROM SAVEMART.  DEALING WITH THE DETAILS WOULD HAVE KILLED ME SO I DECLINED.  I DIDN'T WANT A CADILLAC, GOOD THING IT WASN'T THE CAMRY.  THE PEOPLE ON THE PHONE THOUGHT I WAS NUTS BUT I WAS JUST TOO SICK.  I WAS BARELY ABLE TO DEAL WITH THE EVIL SISTERS' MACHINATIONS.

A DAY WELL SPENT

IT'S WONDERFUL.  AS IF FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I'M HAPPY.  I WENT AND EXERCISED, DID MY REGULAR ROUTINE IN SUNNYVALE.  RETURNED HOME.  ATE LEFTOVERS AND LOOK FORWARD TO MY XMAS HAM DINNER TOMORROW. 

I MADE SOUP AND BROWN RICE.  I CLEANED BURDOCK, CELERY, DRANK BEET DRINK.  I DID MY CEREAL, VITAMIN PORTIONS FOR THE WEEK AND SEE THE MESSY HOUSE WITH FRESH EYES.  I CAN CLEAN NOW.  I'M NOT DEPRESSED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 29 YEARS.  ALMOST HALF MY LIFE.  THE FIRST HALF WAS DENIAL, THE SECOND DEPRESSION AND NOW I'M FREE. 

CLEOPATRA THE QUEEN OF DENIAL.  CASSANDRA THE EMPRESS OF DEPRESSION.  CASSANDRA WAS GRANTED FORESIGHT BY APOLLO BUT WAS CURSED BY DISBELIEF.  I SEE LIFE PATTERNS WHERE OTHERS CHOOSE TO LIVE IN DENIAL, LAMENTING AND COMPLAINING.  I'M OVER IT.

SLOWLY

TODAY WAS BOOKMOBILE DAY AND I RENEWED THE CHROME FOR TWO WEEKS BECAUSE OF THE XMAS HOLIDAY.  BEST XMAS EVER.

I DID MY CAMPBELL RUN, ZERO AT $TORE, PAID WALMART, AT MICHAEL'S 3 PURPLE BANDANAS $1.29 EACH AND BLUE VIOLET PENCIL $.77.

AS LONG AS I TAKE MY TIME I'LL BE FINE.  ALL MY ERRORS ARE FROM MOM IN MY HEAD HURRYING ME FOR NO REASON.  THEN I MISSTEP.

UGH

CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS OF STRESS; ARGUMENTS, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION.  I'VE GOTTEN A CROCHETED DRESS SCRUBBER FROM JEANIE, CHEAP JEWELRY FROM SUE AND HARRY, CARD &CANDY CANE HELEN. 

BUT, WAIT!  EMAIL I GOT AARP 4 LUGGAGE ORGANIZERS ON FRONT PORCH.  AND IT'S HERE!  TYGJ.

I FEEL REASSURED.  I'M DIFFERENT, LIFE IS DIFFERENT.  I CALLED ANTHEM ABOUT THE $9 AND I STILL HAVE QUESTIONS.  I'LL DEAL WITH IT.

I SURVIVE/THRIVE

I CONSIDERED GOING TO SENIORS LATE.  I LOVE NOT WORRYING ABOUT PARKING.

TODAY WAS THE FIRST OF THREE WEEKS NO SWIMMING.  KNOWING CHANGE IN SCHEDULE THROWS ME OFF I STILL LOCKED MY KEYS IN MY LOCKER.  LUCKILY IT WAS EARLY.  AS SOON AS I LOCKED IT I KNEW.  I WENT TO THE FRONT DESK AND THEY USED THE BOLT CUTTERS TO GET ME IN.  AND I HAD THE OTHER LOCK.  EH.  I BIKED HALF HOUR, STRETCHED 20 AND READ THE PAPER, DID THE PUZZLES AT LUNCH.  IT WAS LOVELY QUIET LOCKER ROOM WITH NATORIUM CLOSED.

I TRIED UV GLUE ON THE LOCK.  WE'LL SEE.  I KNOW WHERE SMOKES ARE, IN MY BAG.  I HAVEN'T FOUND ALMOND/CELERY/BURDOCK BUT I ATE AT HOME.  I STILL HAVE ANTHEM $9 ADDITION TO DO. 

I DODGED INGE WANTING TO USE MY CHARGER.  I DIDN'T HAVE IT WITH ME.  I DON'T THINK IT FITS.  SHE HAS A NEW PHONE.  MAURICE & RAYMOND JOINED US FOR LUNCH.  FULL TABLE WITH BRAT DREW.

I'M FEELING PRETTY GOOD.  I HAD ANOTHER LOCK AT HOME. 

XMAS

I'M HAVING FLASHBACKS.  SLEEPING 6 HOURS AWAKING DEPRESSED.  I'M BETTER THAN 6 MONTHS AGO.  I HAVE MORE TOOLS FOR HAPPINESS.

AS A CHILD I ALWAYS GOT ONE PRESENT FOR BIRTHDAY AND XMAS.  THE RULE WAS I NEVER GOT WHAT I WANTED.  I GOT UNDERWEAR FOR THE YEAR, PAJAMAS FOR NEW YEAR'S AND MAYBE SLIPPERS.  THEY GOT TOYS, I GOT HAND-ME-DOWNS.

GOD MY FATHER, MARY MY MOTHER HAS GIVEN ME SO MUCH.  THREE LEATHER COATS, STRANGERS WHO'VE LOOKED OUT FOR ME AS LONG AS IT DIDN'T COST THEM ANYTHING.  PEOPLE LIKE MR RHODES MY HIGH SCHOOL COUNSELOR WHO APPLIED TO COLLEGES FOR ME WHEN MY PARENTS DID NOTHING FOR ME AGAIN.

I DON'T KNOW IF THEIR DISRESPECT WAS PURPOSED WHEN THEY DID ALL THAT FOR THEIR NIECES.  IT MUST HAVE BEEN.  VINDICTIVE WAS HIS MIDDLE NAME

1:30 PM-I GOT TO G2 FEELING DISORIENTED.  I SHOWERED, EXERCISED, DID MY ROUTINE.  TODAY IS COLD AND OVERCAST.  JUST THE WAY I FEEL.

THE POWER OF DENIAL.  MY LIFE WOULD BE TOO DEPRESSING W/O IT.  I'M JUST FEELING TIRED AND SAD. 

MY TINNITUS IS LIKE A HIVE OF BEES.  I THINK IT'S A WARNING SYSTEM, AN ALARM, A BS METER. 

HAPPY CHILD

EVERYTHING IN LIFE DEVELOPS FROM THE CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCE.  IF THE CHILDHOOD IS HAPPY THE ADULT LIFE IS HAPPY.  EVERY ONE HAS PROBLEMS.  HOW ONE SOLVES LIFE'S PROBLEMS, THE APPROACH AND SOLUTION IS DEPENDENT ON THE ATTITUDE.  AN UNHAPPY CHILD POUTS AND REBELS.  LOOKS TO BLAME AND DEFLECT.  MAY NEVER GET TO SOLVING BEING IMMERSED IN DRAMA.  A HAPPY CHILD WORKS ON SOLUTIONS.

AN UNHAPPY CHILDHOOD CAN BE REDONE.  I'M LIVING PROOF.  I'M MAKING MY OWN HAPPY CHILDHOOD.  AND MY LIFE CONTINUES TO IMPROVE. 

ACTUALLY I'M THE BEST ONE TO MAKE MY HAPPY CHILDHOOD.  EVERYONE IS THE BEST HAPPY CHILDHOOD MAKER OF THEIR OWN LIFE.

GOD'S CHILD

LIFE IS UNLIMITED.

MONDAY INGE GAVE ME $1 SCARF, $1 CANDLE FOR BEING BORN. 

WEDNESDAY'S CHILD

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS WAS NAMED FOR WOE.  WHOA!
I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS THURSDAY'S CHILD FAR TO GO.  I CAN PICK A NEW DAY.

I'M CONTINUING AFFIRMATIONS AND CELERY, BEET JUICE, BURDOCK ROOT CLEANSE.  I HAVE WAY MORE ENERGY.  I DID MY REGULAR SUNDAY ROUTINE ON 5 HOURS SLEEP AND FEEL GREAT.  I'M COOKING PORK RIBS/ONION.  I'M EATING THE CANNED SOUPS WITH ADDED VEGS AND FLAVOR.  I'M FEELING CAPABLE AND SUCCESSFUL.

STILL LEARNING

I'M OK.  MY STRESS IS PHYSICAL MEMORY.  BODY MEMORY.  I HAVE A LIFE TIME OF STRESS EXPERIENCE.  STRESSPERIENCE.

PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE SMART.  THEY'RE THE SMARTEST IN THEIR OWN EYES, DITTO FOR BEING GOOD PEOPLE.  WHATEVER THEY DO THEY CAN RATIONALIZE.  I'M SURE EVEN NAZIS THOUGHT THEY WERE GOOD PEOPLE.  OR THEY COULDN'T HAVE LIVED WITH THEMSELVES.

I'M LIVING MORE CAREFULLY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.  I'M STRESSING.  I CAN FEEL THE EVIL STEPSISTERS THINKING AT ME, WAITING FOR ME TO DIE.  I GOT HOME AND NOTICED THE FRONT DOOR HAD BEEN MESSED WITH AND THE REMOTE WAS MISSING, KNOWING HOW THEY THINK I FOUND IT BURIED IN THE CUSHIONS.  I ALWAYS SET IT ASIDE. 

 

I'M HAPPIER

I'M PLANNING THE ORGANIZATION IN MY CAR.  I FOUND XMAS GIFTS AT $V MICROWAVE BROWNIE PANS, EMERGENCY SQUEEZE FLASHLIGHTS.

I ATE ONE SMALL PIECE BURDOCK ROOT, CELERY AND BEET DRINK.  MODERATION IS HARD TO REMEMBER. 

I'M FEELING BETTER DESPITE MY FEET HURTING AND CRAMPING LEGS.  THE NERVES ARE HEALING AND TELLING ME.

TOO GOOD

RELEASING FEAR MEANS FEELING IT AND LETTING IT GO. 

I'VE LIVED MY LIFE FOR OTHER PEOPLE AND I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE LIVING FOR MYSELF.  I'M LEARNING.  I'M BECOMING BETTER AND BETTER EVERY DAY.

BETWEEN BEET JUICE, CELERY AND BURDOCK I'M HEALTHIER AND STRONGER.

LOLLIPOP GUILD

AFTER EXERCISING, THE SONG FROM THE WIZARD OF OZ PLAYED IN MY HEAD AND YESTERDAY WHILE EXERCISING IT PLAYED AGAIN.  SOMEHOW MY BODY REMEMBERED THE DANCE AND PLAYED THE ACCOMPANYING SOUNDTRACK. 

EVEN THOUGH I NEVER ACTUALLY SANG AND DANCED THE LOLLIPOP SONG SOMEHOW MY BODY CONNECTED THE EXERCISES WITH THE DANCE MOVES.  AN UNCONSCIOUS PROGRAMMED BODY MEMORY.

THIS MEANS THAT WHAT I WATCH WITH TOTAL INVOLVEMENT BECOMES A PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.  MY BODY DOESN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.  MY EMOTIONS CREATE CHEMICAL VERSUS EXPERIENTIAL MEMORIES.  ALL MEMORIES ARE CHEMICAL CHAINS. 

ADDICTIONS ARE AN ATTEMPT TO OVER RIDE AN UNWANTED CHEMICAL MEMORY WITH ANOTHER CHEMICAL.

I REMEMBERED

I'M WATCHING CONCENTRATION ONLINE.  AND I ALREADY EXERCISED AND BOOK MOBILE PICK UP.  CITY IS DONE 'TIL FRIDAY.

CAMPBELL HOLDS EXPIRE TODAY.  AND I THINK THE RAIN HAS PAUSED.  I HAVE 5 READY.

AND TODAY'S LUNCH WE'RE #1 SHEPHERDS PIE.

spongebob is dead

STEPHEN HILLENBURG AT 57 YRS OLD OF ALS-LOU GHERIG'S DISEASE.  TOO YOUNG.  HE WAS ONLY DIAGNOSED MARCH 2017.  TOO SAD. 

CHUCK OFFERED A CUP OF COFFEE BEFORE I EVEN LOOKED ONLINE AND I WANT CHOCOLATE.  I HAD A CHOCOLATE DONUT TOO.  I DROVE HOME TO MOURN THE WORLD'S LOSS.

MEANWHILE

SITTING OUTSIDE SENIORS WAITING TO OPEN.  I AWOKE THINKING TODAY IS SUNDAY AND REMEMBERED MICHAEL'S EXTENDED BLACK FRIDAY SALE.  THERE'LL BE MORE LATER.  I'M PRACTICING PROSPERITY.  I DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING TODAY.  I CONSIDERED COLEMAN AND COMBINING TARGET AND MICHAEL'S.  NO.

I WENT TO SCOTT TARGET AT 8, PAID MY BILL, FOUND CLEARANCE SILICONE BAKING SHEET.  I DON'T KNOW WHY I BOUGHT IT WHEN PARCHMENT PAPER IS SO CONVENIENT.  I'LL FIND OUT LATER.

I PADDLED AROUND THE WARM H2O POOL FOR AN HOUR.  THEN I WENT TO SARATOGA LUCKY'S TO SEE IF DINNERS HAD BEEN MARKED DOWN.  NO.  SO I BOUGHT SPINDRIFT H2O FOR BONUS POINTS AND PICKED UP MY FREE GATORADE.

I DECIDED IT WAS TIME FOR NORI MAKI AT LAWRENCE SQUARE AND CHECKED OUT PARIS BAKERY TOO.  I RESISTED.  $4 for CRAB CROQUETTE.  AND BEAN RICE DONUT.  I BOUGHT AND ATE KRAB SUSHI FOR LUNCH.

DINNER I HAD THE REST OF THE TURKEY AND MASH WITH MUSHROOMS.  I FORGOT MARMALADE.  OH, I'M SO BLESSED.  I FOUND DIME AND THREE PENNIES. 

I MADE TURQUOISE ANGEL EARRINGS, THREE OTHER PAIR. 

NO MARGEE.

I'M SUCH A CHILD

I'VE BEEN AWAKE FOR AN HOUR OR SO, WATCHING HEARTS BEAT LOUD.  DVD.  I GAVE MYSELF TOO MUCH POTATO CHIPS AND HAD A LOVELY LOVE DREAM OF MY OTHER SIDE LIFE.  EVERYTHING I DON'T HAVE HERE.

SO MUCH BLOODSTREAM SUGAR WOKE ME UP.  EH.  I SLEPT 10-1.  I WANT TO DANCE.

XFINITY NETWORK IS ALWAYS AMBUSHING MY CONNECTION.

I LOVE MYSELF THE WAY I AM AND I'M WILLING TO CHANGE.  IF I MUST.

I WENT TO SAVER'S BLACK FRIDAY.  MY FIRST BLACK FRIDAY.  I AVOIDED SALES HAVING LIVED RETAIL FOR MOST OF MY LIFE.  THE BEST DEAL MOST SKIRTS $.62.  AND ONE OF THEM HAD AN INSIDE WAIST SECRET POCKET I CAN ADD TO MY OTHER SKIRTS.  BEST IDEA. 

I'M SO FULL

WHEN I STARTED GOING THE THANKSGIVING ROUTE I WAS STILL UNABLE TO STAND IN LINE WITHOUT FEELING SICK.  THIS YEAR I FEEL GREAT.

THIRD YEAR THE CHARM.  I EXERCISED AND WALKED THE STORES NOT KNOWING WHEN I WAS GOING TO ST CLARE.  I RETURNED HOME AT 11:30 AND WENT WITH MY CHROME BOOK TO SEE IF I COULD GET RECEPTION.  NO.  I WAITED IN THE CAR 20 MINUTES.  I SAW L-LOYD AND THE SENIOR CENTER.  I GOT MORE TURKEY TO GO.

I PEOPLE WATCHED UNTIL 1:30.  I DROVE TO 1ST PRESBYTERIAN AND WAITED.  STILL NO CHROME RECEPTION.  I HAD BEEF WELLINGTON AND BUTTERY MASHED POTATOES.

BEST THANKSGIVING EVER!

INTERACTING SUCKS.

TOO MUCH

I ATE PIE AND CAKE AND DIDN'T FINISH LUNCH.  AND YESTERDAY  I MADE MYSELF NAUSEATED WITH FOUR PIECES OF CANDY.

AS A CHILD I WAS MORE DISCIPLINED.  I KNEW TO SAY NO.

SUGAR IS THE MOST INSIDIOUS ADDICTION.

THE MOST HEALTH THREATENING.  CLOGS THE BODY, RAISES BLOOD PRESSURE.  CAUSES MOOD SWINGS.

BYE BYE I LOVE ME.

I FILLED THE TANK, PAID DISCOVER.  DONE FOR NOW. 

I LOVE NEW THINGS.

I WORE MY PINK LEATHER JACKET.  I DID MY EXERCISE, WASHED MY NEW UNDIES, PUZZLED. 

LISTENING TO LOUISE HAY I'M FEELING HAPPIER AND STRONGER.  I TALKED TO AN SCU STUDENT TODAY, CHRISTINE.  THEY'RE SO NAIVE AND IGNORANT.  I WOULDN'T BE YOUNG AGAIN FOR ANYTHING.  I JUST WANT TO STAY HEALTHY.

SENIORS BLAME EVERYTHING ON AGE.  I DON'T AGREE.  I WILL EXERCISE AND LAUGH MY WAY TO HEALTH.

FEAR & ANXIETY

MY FAMILY TRADITION.  OH, AND DEPRESSION.  ALONG WITH SUICIDE AND ALCOHOLISM.

HOLIDAY STRESS

I FEEL FREAKED AND THEN LOOK FOR A REASON.  I KNOW MY SIS' ARE THINKING OF ME.   SOCIOPATH AILEEN AND DOORMAT MITZI.

I'M BACK TO LITTLE ORPHAN SUSAN.  THE CINDERELLA.  THE FAIRY TALE.  THE PERFECT PRINCE RESCUING THE PAUPER/VICTIM.  THE PERFECT PRINCE WITH THE PERFECT FAMILY.

WILL I EVER KNOW WHAT I'M DOING IN THE MOMENT?

THE PURPOSE OF REFLECTION IS TO MAKE SENSE OF WHAT'S HAPPENING.  MAYBE IT ISN'T SENSIBLE.  I WANT THE WORLD TO UP LEVEL BY IMPROVING MYSELF.  I'M PART OF THE WORLD, WHEN I IMPROVE THE WORLD IS BETTER.  KNOWING WHAT IS BETTER AND DOING BETTER. 

SORE CORE & FEET

YESTERDAY I WALKED ALL OVER MILPITAS GREAT MALL.  I STOOD IN LINE AT SAVER'S 45 MIN.  I DROVE TO SCOTT MCD'S AS THEY WERE LOCKING THE LOBBY AND THE DRIVE THROUGH WAS TOO LONG SO I WENT TO BK FOR 10 CHICK NUGGETS $1 AND VALUE FRIES $1.49 PLUS TAX=$2.71.

DAISO HAD RUBBER CLOGS $3.  I CHECKED THE PRICE OF EMBROIDERY THREAD I BOUGHT AT SAVER'S THURSDAY SAME.

WALKING THE MALL I RAN INTO RAYMOND FROM SENIOR CENTER.  HE'S EMBARRASSED HE CALLED ELSIE NOSY.  SHE IS.  WE TALKED AN HOUR AND I TOLD HIM WE MISSED HIM.  HE ASKED ABOUT ROSE MARIE AND OFFERED TO TAKE HER OUT WITH HER WHEEL CHAIR,  HE DOESN'T REALIZE HOW HARD IT IS.  DAD EXPECTED TO BE WHEELED EVERYWHERE.  IT'S A LOT OF WORK LOADING/FOLDING/UNLOADING/UNFOLDING A STEEL CHAIR IN AND OUT OF THE CAR.  I WAS EXHAUSTED AND HURT MY BACK.  50 LBS AND BULKY/AWKWARD.

SO MANY BAD MEMORIES OF PEOPLE NOT WILLING TO HELP THEMSELVES AND OTHERS.  THEY ALWAYS END BADLY. 

LOUISE HAY DESCRIBES THE PISCEAN AGE AS LOOKING FOR OUTSIDE INTERVENTION AND CONTRASTS IT TO THE AGE OF AQUARIUS INNER SELF RELIANCE.

MY DAD WAS PISCES TOO.  IRONIC?  MY ENTIRE FAMILY WAS UNWILLING TO HELP OTHERS.  THEY CRITICIZED ME, CALLING ME STUPID.  THEY HAD TO BE PAID, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY.

HAVING MORE FUN

I CHECKED MY EMAILS FOR FRIDAY FREEBIES AND LUCKY'S HAD JUICE THAT I LIKE.  AND I REMEMBERED I HAD TO PAY CITIBANK SO AFTER MAIN LIB PICK UP CD I WENT TO SARATOGA AVE TCB.  PRODUCE HAD NUTS AND FRUIT ON CLEARANCE.  YUM.  I CAME HOME 4:30.  I THOUGHT OF ADDING REWARD AND BUYING MORE BUT I CAN DO IT TOMORROW.  I HAVE $3 EXPIRING END OF NOV.

I ATE HALF OF LUNCH STROGANOFF AND 8 I WAS HUNGRY AND HAD CORN BREAD AND WEIRD AUNT DOT'S CHILI.  ONLY OK.

yay!! susan!!

I WENT TO SAVER'S AFTER PUZZLING TO MY HEART'S CONTENT.  FIRST I WENT TO CAMPBELL LIBRARY , CHECKED WITH HOW I FELT, DROVE TO 24 HR, SHOWERED & WASHED MY HAIR.  AT FOOD MAXX I BOUGHT GROUND JALAPENO $1,  2 BOXES PECAN RICE CRACKERS $1 EA, 6 MUFFIN MIX $.39.  AT SAVER'S SKORT $I.75, EMBROIDERY THREAD $1, BLK LAMB'S WOOL WRAP $3.  I TRIED ON 5 DRESSES, ALL NEEDED WORK SO I PASSED.

I DID EVERYTHING I WANTED TO DO AND I'M A LITTLE ANXIOUS AND I'M OK.  I'M DESENSITIZING.  I MANAGED TO KEEP ME TOGETHER.

TODAY WAS MONDAY'S PREVIEW SALE.  I MAY GO TO NORTHSIDE MONDAY.

HEAVEN TAKES GETTING USED TO.

i forgive

everyone and everything.

MY INNER CHILD SUSIE RUNS THE SHOW.
MY SELF SABOTAGE IS MY INNER CHILD UNHAPPY WITH ADULT SUSAN.  THE BALANCE OF ADULT AND CHILD CREATES HEAVEN.

TRAPPED

I'VE BEEN IMPRISONED IN THE SELF-PROTECTIVE DENIAL I NEEDED IN THE PAST TO GET ME THROUGH MY HORRIBLE FAMILY.  I CONSTRUCTED WALLS SEPARATING ME FROM THE HUMILIATION AND ABUSE.  THEY NEVER SAID ANYTHING COMPLIMENTARY.  NEVER HAD ANYTHING NICE TO SAY TO ME.  AND I LET IT GO.

QUIETLY HORRIFIED

LISTENING TO LOUISE HAY I'M THINKING OF 2003 WHEN AILEEN AND DALE STONE LEFT HERE.  SHE MOVED IN 2002 WITH LAUREN INTO THE MASTER BEDROOM.  I WAS BEDRIDDEN.  SHE RENTED THE FORDHAM HOUSE TO AARON AND HIS FRIENDS.  SHE REFUSED TO GIVE LARRY, HER HUSBAND A KEY.  SHE TOLD HIM SHE WANTED A DIVORCE ON VALENTINE'S DAY.  SHE MOVED DALE IN AND MOVED LAUREN TO THE SECOND BEDROOM.  SHE ADMITTED TO ME SHE MADE HER KIDS LIE TO THEIR FATHER.

SHE TALKED MOM INTO LENDING SHE AND LARRY 100 GRAND AS THE DOWN PAYMENT ON THE FORHAM HOUSE AND MOM WAS A CO-OWNER ON THE MORTGAGE IN 1999 AFTER DAD DIED.  SHE TOLD MOM SHE WOULD BUILD HER ROOMS TO LIVE WITH THEM.  MOM MOWED THE LAWN, WAS THE GARDENER, COOKED THEIR MEALS, MAYBE DID THE CLEANING.  AFTER I SHOWED MOM HOW EASY COMPUTERS WERE AT THE LIBRARY MOM DID AILEEN'S BOOKKEEPING.  AILEEN NEVER INTENDED FOR MOM TO LIVE THERE.

WHAT TO WRITE

IT'S TIME TO WRITE AUNTY.  I'VE BEEN FINDING NICKELS AND DIMES AND PENNIES.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE.  I STARTED DRIVING MY GREAT USED CAR FRI. 7/13 WHEN I AWOKE TO THE OLD CAR SMASHED FRONT WINDOW, LOST MY GYM SUITCASE THUR. 7/26 MY LAST LETTER TO AUNTY.  I'M AFRAID.  WHAT NEW ADVENTURE AWAITS?

MY LIFE HAS IMPROVED AND I'M AFRAID.  HOW GOOD CAN IT GET?

INFINITY

META-BEYOND PHYSICS-MATERIAL. 

OUR CONNECTION TO THE UNIVERSE IS ENERGY.  ANT MAN EXPLORES THE MOLECULAR.  THE IDEA.  THE ENERGY CONNECTING THE MOLECULES.  ATOMIC ENERGY. 

I HAVE TO GIVE IT MORE THOUGHT.

huh

I WENT AND RENEWED W-W-W 7 XS NOW.

MY BACK RIB FROM MOTORCYCLE DUMP SPASMS.  AND MY LEFT LEG HAS BEEN TWITCHING AND JERKING LIKE CARAZY.  JERKS MY ENTIRE BODY.  STARTLING.  SPASMS FROM 1973.  A FORM OF TIME TRAVEL.  I WONDER IF THAT STARTED THE IDEA.  IT'S A WEIRD IDEA TO THINK ABOUT.  WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO?

BEING HERE NOW IS THE ONLY POSSIBLE WAY TO ENJOY LIFE.

TERRIBLE TWO'S

EVERY DEVELOPMENTAL SHIFT IS PRECEDED BY GREAT UNREST.  SO UNCOMFORTABLE.  I DID ALL MY BANKING YESTERDAY.

I DECIDED TO GO TO CUPERTINO TO RETURN DVDS AND REMEMBERED I NEEDED TO SEND IN MY LIFE INSURANCE.  I WENT TO THE LIBRARY AND LOOKED UP CHASE LOCATIONS.  DOWN THE BLOCK ON THE WAY TO *1.  SO I WALKED AROUND SAFEWAY TOO.  THEN I DECIDED TO SHOWER AT G1 STOP AT WALGREEN'S FLORA VISTA FOR SMOKES AND CAME HOME.  VERY PRODUCTIVE DAY.

BEST HALLOWEEN EVER

MONDAY-COCA COLA CAKE
TUESDAY-APPLE PIE/REAL WHIP CREAM, COOKIES
TODAY CANDY
AND I PUZZLED, SWAM, BOOKMOBILE 2 NEW DVDS, CAME HOME, TIDIED, READY TOMORROW, NAPPED, TV, READ.

TYGJ

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT I CAN CLICK ON VIEW BLOG AND SEE MY BLOG IN ITS ENTIRETY.  ALL POSTS.  THAT'S WHAT THEY SHOULD LABEL IT.

THE INTERNET IS ONE OF THE FEW THINGS I'M NOT CURIOUS ABOUT.

THROWING MAJOR TANTRUMS

AT LEAST IT FEELS MAJOR.  I WANT TO SCREAM AND KICK MY FEET.  WHEN I DO IT IN THE POOL IT FEELS GREAT.

at the library

I'M STILL LEARNING TO BE GENTLE WITH MYSELF AND HOW TO HAVE FUN. 

I SAT IN MY CAR 40 MINUTES DECIDING WHAT I WANTED TO DO AFTER EXERCISING AT SENIOR CENTER.  I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WANTED TO DO OR EAT OR ANYTHING SO I SAT WITH MYSELF AND DIDN'T JUDGE.  A FIRST.  I DIDN'T FEEL GUILTY OR LAZY OR ANYTHING. 

I'M GETTING THERE.  OR HERE.

I WATCHED A MOVIE AT LIBRARY, ATE JUNK FOOD AND I'M OK. 

MISTAKES

IS IT THE ADULT OR CHILD OR BOTH?  OR MAYBE I NEED TO ADJUST MY PERCEPTION OF MISTAKES.  MAYBE IT ISN'T A MISTAKE BUT AN OPPORTUNITY TO SHIFT PERCEPTION.

8 PM-I WENT TO PATELCO AFTER SENIORS 2 PM AND EVEN THOUGH IT'S FRIDAY THEY WERE OVERLOADED.  I HAD TO BOOK AN APPOINTMENT FOR 5.  I DECIDED TO GO BACK TO SENIORS RATHER THAN LIBRARY AND WOW McD TREAT.  THEY'RE SLOW BECAUSE FEW WORKERS.  I GOT HAPPY MEAL AND HASH BROWN.  NO TOKEN FOR GAME.  YUM, I WATCHED SAMSON DVD.  SO SATISFIED.

YEP, SHIFTING PERCEPTION.

WE ONLY LEARN FROM MISTAKES.

AUGHHH...

OH, THE PAIN IS STILL COMING OUT OF MY TISSUES, BONE, AND BLOOD.  I'M FEELING FEVERISH AND TIRED.  DRINK MORE WATER, GET MORE REST.

I ACCEPT

I RECEIVE HELP. 

MY FAMILY NEVER HELPED ME.  I EARNED EVERYTHING.  I WORKED FOR EVERYTHING.  I'VE BEEN WORKING MY ENTIRE LIFE TO BE ACCEPTED AND LOVED.  THE IDEA OF FAMILY IS THE LOVING, GIVING UNIVERSE.  THEY TAUGHT ME INCORRECTLY. 

I DESERVE A LOVING GIVING FAMILY.

FUN, FUN, FUN

THREE PEOPLE BROUGHT IN CAKE, DELICIOUS CAKE.  I EXERCISED AND RELAXED.  I'M FEELING PRETTY GOOD.  I GOT 6 EXTRA MEATBALLS FROM LUNCH.  I'M GRADUALLY CLEARING THE FRIDGE. 

CLEARING OLD ENERGY

ALL THE ANGER AND SADNESS IS LEAVING MY BODY.  I'M A TODDLER AGAIN AND FEELING BRATTY.  FOR THE MOST PART I'M THINKING THINGS TO MYSELF.  WELSUN/DAD TRIED TO TELL ME THE ALKY WAS A THIEF WHEN I'D WORRY MORE ABOUT WELSUN.  KIMO WARNED ME WHEN I FIRST STARTED COMING TO THE SENIOR CENTER AND I'VE SEEN HIM TAKE GROCERIES FROM THE HOLIDAY FOOD BINS FOR THE NEEDY.

LAST FRIDAY I OFFERED ALAMEDA TO BUY LEOPARD PRINT 3X SWEATSHIRT AND SHE SAID IF SHE WON BINGO SHE'D LET ME HAVE IT.  TODAY SHE WANTED $5.  I DON'T OWE HER ANYTHING MORE.  DONE.

SELF HYPNOSIS

ALL LIFE IS SELF HYPNOSIS.  CHILDREN ARE PROGRAMMED BY THE WORLD AROUND THEM AND ADULTS BY THEIR ATTENTION.

CHILDREN SEE REALITY BASED ON THEIR SURVIVAL.  THEY DEPEND ON THE ADULTS AROUND THEM TO PROVIDE FOR THEM.  WHATEVER THEY ARE GIVEN DEFINES THEIR REALITY.  WHEN WE BECOME ADULTS WE ARE NO LONGER LIMITED BY THE BOUNDARIES DEFINED BY THE ADULTS.  WE DEFINE OUR OWN LIMITS. 

MY BOUNDARIES ARE MOVING AND SHIFTING. 

HUKILAU

YESTERDAY I TOOK THE DAY OFF.  I PUT ROBERT AND IRENE IN THEIR PLACE AT LUNCH.  I STAYED UNTIL 5 PUZZLING.

I'M FEELING TIRED OF DISRESPECT.

BOOKMOBILE DAY

I LOVE HAVING THE BOOKMOBILE COME TO ME AT THE SENIOR CENTER.  I FEEL LIKE I'M CREATING MY HEAVEN. 

I REDISCOVERED A 3/4 SLEEVE POLISHED SILK BLOUSE THAT MATCHES A SLEEVELESS BLOUSE I BOUGHT YEARS APART.  ASTRONOMICAL ODDS.  IF I CAN CREATE THIS IN MY LIFE I CAN HAVE A CAREFREE HOME, LOVE, CAR, LIFE. 

integrity

REMEMBER=RECONNECT.  I COME APART AND RECONNECT IN A NEW CONFIGURATION.

INTEGRATING IN A COHERENT MODEL.

FAWLTY TOWERS

YESTERDAY I FELT SICK.  I DRANK GRAPEFRUIT AND FELT BETTER.  I WENT TO G2, SFWY1, MICHAEL'S, SFWY MARIA, I HAD PRODUCTIVE SHOPPING AND HOME TO REST.  I LAY DOWN FOR AN HOUR AND FELT EXHAUSTED.  I HAD TO RETURN CHROME AT LIBRARY,CHECKED OUT AVAILABLE AND CONSIDERED RETURNING HOME NO ST J.  AFTER DRINKING MORE GRAPEFRUIT DRINK I FELT ABLE TO SOLDIER ON TO ST J.  HALF OFF EVERYTHING. 

IF I FEEL BETTER I'LL GO BACK TODAY. 

LUNCH WAS GOOD.  I READ NEWSPAPER AT LIBRARY AND CAME HOME, ATE MORE CHINESE CHICKEN SALAD, EGG ROLLS.  COOKED AND ATE SFWY CRAB CAKES/REAL CRAB. 

MAYBE I'LL TAKE A BREAK FROM CELERY.  I HAVE NEW LOUISE HAY.  MAYBE I'M JUST DOING TOO MUCH TOO QUICKLY. 

RE-REMEMBER

EVERY NEW SYNAPSE CONNECTION IS PRECEDED BY FEELING HORRIBLE.  THE TERRIBLE TWO'S IS LEARNING TO TALK AND WALK.  THE BEGINNING OF BEING AN INDIVIDUAL.

EVERY HORRIBLE PHASE IS A PRECURSOR TO NEW THINKING.

EVERY HORRIBLE PHASE IS WONDERFUL.

IF I CAN ONLY REMEMBER.

STILL CHANGING

I'M FEELING LIKE AN ADOLESCENT.  LIKE A CLUMSY PUPPY.

YESTERDAY I ATE TWO PIECES OF CELERY.  I WENT TO SRS, CAMPBELL,  CAME HOME AND NAPPED FOR HOURS.  I'M SLEEPING 4-5 HOURS AT NIGHT AND WATCHING DVDS, COMPUTING, WORKING ON THE NEW ME.

I'M AT A CHANGE POINT AND AM AWARE, FEELING SO UNCOMFORTABLE.  I PICKED UP MORE LOUISE HAY AND REQUESTED MORE.

I DECIDED TO LOOK FOR AND WATCH CONCENTRATION ON YOU TUBE ONLINE. I KEEP MISSING IT BROADCAST ON BUZZR TV.   I BINGED FOR 3 HOURS STRAIGHT THROUGH.  STRETCHING MY BRAIN IN NEW DIRECTIONS.  I'M RESTING MORE, TAKING CARE OF MYSELF.  IT FEELS SCARY.  I'M EXPANDING MY SELF CARE.

I REALIZED EVERYTHING MANUFACTURED IS CREATED TO MANIPULATE.

KIDS ARE DUMB

THE KIDS TODAY ARE SO INSULATED.  THE ONES FROM SCU ARE SO NAIVE.

THE PSYCH MAJOR IS TOTALLY SKEWED.  I HOPE SHE GETS THE HELP SHE NEEDS.  SHE HAS SO MANY NERVOUS SELF SABOTAGING TICS.  WORKING ON A PUZZLE SHE STACKS PIECES ON TOP OF EACH OTHER,  COMPETES, MOVES THEM AIMLESSLY, RETREATS INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS.  I'VE BEEN NOTICING HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE LIKE ACTORS PLAYING A ROLE NOT LIVING LIFE.

AND YET ACTORS GET PAID BIG BUCKS FOR NOT BEING THEMSELVES.

SOCIETY SEEMS TO LOVE AND REWARD LIARS.

MAYBE SOCIETY IS TOO YOUNG.  OR JUST YOUNG.

LOSING WW

OF COURSE.  I'VE NEVER LOST ANYTHING FROM THE LIBRARY B-4.  THE INITIALS AND THE FATHER SON STORY LINE NEED MY CONSIDERATION, ATTENTION.

WEEPING WEREWOLF IS MY DAD AND HE NEVER HAD A CHILDHOOD EITHER WITH HIS ALCOHOLIC/SUICIDAL DAD.  HIS OLDER BRO WAIPAHU UNCLE WAS THE SAME.  MY DAD WAS THE BEST OF HIS FAMILY AND MADE UNCLE DICKIE POSSIBLE.

MOM AND DAD TRIED TO RUN AWAY AND BROUGHT IT ALL WITH THEM.  THEY WERE ASHAMED.  MOM WAS AFRAID DAD WOULD END UP THE SAME.  WW2 SAVED UNCLE DICKIE.  HE WAS A SURVIVOR.

                                          WOW!!
NEW MOON NEW ME.

AND TODAY'S WORD SEARCH IS DEAR OLD DAD. 

PLAY HOOKY

I NEED A BREAK.  I DIDN'T WANT TO BE HERE.  ON SO MANY LEVELS.  I'M JUST BONE TIRED.

I WANT TO BE TRUANT.

I WENT IN LATE.  $ANTA CLARA FOR TOOTHPASTE, EAR BUDS, SALTINES, CORN BREAD CHIPS, VIENNA SAUSAGES.

AFTER SRS I BOUGHT CELERY, WILD RICE, ONION CHIPS AT SPROUTS.  TARGET I BOUGHT 32 GB FLASH DRIVE FOR MOVIE CONVERSIONS. TYGJ FOR CREDIT CARDS AND THE USE OF THEIR MONEY FOR A MONTH.

8:30 PM.  IT WAS OK.  MY LADIES WENT TO SEE ROSE MARIE SUNDAY.  I'M MOVING AWAY.  WALTER JR CAME BY.  I TOLD RICH THEY COULD START A SUPPORT GROUP.  THEY'RE BOTH CARE TAKING THEIR DADS.

ART GAVE ME A RB FLAT BREAD.  TOO MUCH SALT AND HALF THE BREAD WAS DRY AND TOO MUCH BREAD SO I TOSSED IT.  AND I HAD A BIG SALAD.

NEW MOON IS ALWAYS HARD.

DISCOVERY

THE HOUSE AND YARD ARE MY CHILDHOOD.  I HAD TO COOK AND CLEAN AND NOW I DON'T.  I'M LIVING A WORK FREE CHILDHOOD.  FOR HOW LONG, I HATE THE MESS.

HOMELESS PEOPLE NEVER HAD A HOME.  THEY WERE SERVANTS OR UNWANTED TENANTS.

ALMOST ILL

AFTER HOT TUB I THOUGHT I'D BE SICK.  EVERYTHING HURT SO BAD I WAS NAUSEOUS.  I SIPPED GRAPEFRUIT NAPPED AND FELT OK.

CHANGE IS HARD WORK.  I DESERVE A RAISE.

STEPSIS

I'M REMEMBERING AND CONSIDERING.  MY FAMILY NEVER ONCE GAVE ME ANYTHING I WANTED.  I HAD TO GO OUTSIDE AND FIND AND MAKE EVERYTHING I WANT.

SUSAN/JOHN ST JUSTIN HAVE GIVEN ME THINGS I ACTUALLY WANT.  MY FAMILY MADE A POINT OF REFUSING TO GIVE ME EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED.  THEY MADE A POINT OF ASKING ME WHAT I WANTED SO THEY COULD REFUSE.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT BEHAVIOR BUT I CAN DISSOLVE MY CONNECTION TO THAT BEHAVIOR AND LOOK FORWARD AND FOLLOW MY DESIRES.

THE FIRST TIME I NOTICED WAS DAD REFUSING TO GIVE ME MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT AND GAVE IT TO MY SISTERS.  THIS TREATMENT AFTER I MOVED HOME TO TAKE HIM TO HIS CANCER TREATMENTS.  MY SISTERS HAVE BEHAVED THE SAME.  MOM WENT ALONG.  SHE DID BUY ME EARRINGS I WANTED WHEN WE WERE ALONE AT THE JEWELRY STORE.

I RENEWED CHROME FOR THE HOLIDAY MONDAY.  I PICKED UP $50 GIFT CERTIFICATE YESTERDAY AND PLANNED WHAT I WANTED TO TRY FROM SUMIYA.  I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE TO USE IT ALL AT ONCE OR WHAT.  I'LL HAVE TO ASK.

CAMPBELL LIB

I TRIED.  ONE DVD NOT RENEWABLE.  OH,WELL.

AS THE TRAUMA AND DRAMA LEAVE MY BODY THE SORENESS IS MY BODY ACKNOWLEDGING THE EVENTS.

I HAVE TO BE KINDER TO MYSELF.

I AWOKE LATE 6AM AFTER A NIGHT OF WAKING AND SLEEPING.  ALL THE PAST I'M PROCESSING AND RESOLVING, DISSOLVING, RELEASING.

I'LL GO IN LATER.  TAKING MY TIME.  GOD GIVEN.  MINE.

I PICKED UP 2 NEW AND FAWLTY TOWERS AND GOOD PLACE 1.  FREAKED MYSELF OUT LOOKING FOR CHROME.  MISPLACED IT.

ON THE WAY HOME I DECIDED TO GO WALGREEN'S SMOKES  AND TA-DA!  RUMMAGE SALE.  MAGNIFYING LAMP/BATTERY,GIANT SUCRETS TIN, SILVER CHAIN, LOUIS PRIMA/KEELY SMITH DVD=$10.  BETHEL CHURCH.

I FEEL BETTER.

MCD

I'M LOVING MYSELF.  I TOOK MYSELF FOR A HAPPY MEAL.  I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.  I DESERVE FUN.  I'M HAVING A STAY-CATION.  IF I CAN RENEW CAMPBELL I'M DOGGING IT.

I WAITED 'TIL AFTER LUNCH TO SWIM.  I WANTED TO WASH MY HAIR AND RELAX.  THE POOLS WERE PRACTICALLY EMPTY.  I GOT THE PAPER.  I HAD ALL MY FAVORITE THINGS TODAY.  I PUZZLED AND AVOIDED BACKWARD PEOPLE.  HURRAY!!

DID IT ALL YESTERDAY

SENIOR TOM WAS PONTIFICATING AT PUZZLE TABLE.  KATHLEEN WAS LIBRARYING.  SHE SAID THEY DIDN'T REALIZE THEY WERE INCONVENIENCING ANYONE.  I TOLD HER THEY DID AND THAT WAS ONE WAY OF GETTING ATTENTION.  SHE TRIED TO TELL ME TOM WAS MENTAL.  I TOLD HER I TRIED TO TALK WITH HIM AND HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ONLY LECTURE.  HE'S NOT MENTAL ONLY SELFISH.  HE'S JUST LIKE MY DAD AND I KNOW HOW THAT BEHAVIOR ENDS UP.  THAT THEY TRY TO ANGER AND IRRITATE PEOPLE TO INTERACT WITH PEOPLE.  IT GIVES THEM THE ILLUSION OF CAPABILITY/POWER.  MAYBE HE IS MENTAL.

THEN WALTER AND WALTER CAME ALONG.   SHE TRIED TO ENGAGE ME IN GOD AIN'T IT AWFUL.  I SHARED MY INFORMATION.  SHE DIDN'T KNOW.  DOESN'T REALLY CARE, WOULD RATHER GOSSIP AND CONJECTURE.

I GAVE AWAY THE FRUIT TO HELEN AND TOKI, TOOK MY TIME, WENT TO CHASE, I CONTINUED TO ST J.  I GAVE THEM BAG OF AVOCADOS GUAVA, SUSAN GAVE ME TWO X 4 YARDS FABRIC PURPLE FLORAL, KITTIES.  I DECIDED TO DRIVE TO MISSION C U.  I DESERVED SCOTT MC D KIDS MEAL $3.27.  HOMESTEAD MC D $4.03.  $.76 MORE.  CAME HOME.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE MYSELF.  NO ONE'S EVER LOVED ME SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE.  I'M TEACHING MYSELF.

STILL RUNNING

I HAVE YET TO DO MY BANKING.  THE WORLD HASN'T ENDED.  WHENEVER I TAKE MY TIME THE PRESSURE FROM THE PAST MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE.  I'M STILL ADAPTING TO THE NEW ME.

SO MUCH FEAR TO OVERCOME.  I HAVE TO KEEP LOVING MYSELF TO OVERCOME THEIR HATE.  I GET SO TIRED.  I STILL HAVE THEIR CRITICISMS.  IN MY HEAD, IN MY BODY THE BEATINGS LOCKED IN THE MUSCLES AND TISSUES, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO AVOID THEM.  HOW TO SURVIVE.  I'M STILL TRYING TO SURVIVE.  MY BODY TRYING TO SURVIVE, MY SPIRIT TIRED BRUISED.

I CONFRONTED DAD IN THE FORM OF SENIOR TOM.  THE PSYCH STUDENTS FROM S CLARA U WERE AFTERNOON.  I HAD THEM GET CHAIRS AND GO THROUGH THE SUPPLY CART.  TOM COMPLAINED I TALKED TO STUDENTS AND NOT HIM.  I TOLD HIM AGAIN HE DOESN'T CONVERSE.  HE DRONES, PLAYING TAPES OF LECTURES PRETENDING TO ATTEND.  I TOLD HIM THAT'S WHAT THE STUDENTS WERE THERE FOR, IT SAYS SO ON THE CARD.  HE PLAYED HIS TAPES FOR THEM.

I RAN AWAY

I SPENT THE DAY GOOFING.  YESTERDAY I SLEPT.  I'M RUNNING AWAY FROM MY CHALLENGES.  VACATION.  WHOO-HOO!!

FEELING SORE

I FEEL LIKE I WAS BEATEN.  MY BACK AND SHOULDERS.  AND I'M FEELING EXHAUSTED FROM DETOXIFYING. 

I FORGOT SPAGHETTI IN COOLER AND HAD IT FOR LUNCH AT SRS AFTER PUZZLING.

MISSION LIB HAS ONLY BEEN OPEN FOR A WEEK.  IT FEELS PERFECT.  YESTERDAY I PICKED UP THE CHROME FROM MAIN.  SAM MISSION CALLED TO MAKE SURE IT WAS AVAILABLE.  I SAW JUSTIN ON HIS WAS TO SCU. 

I TOOK AVOCADO/GUAVAS TO JOHN ST JUSTIN.  IT FELT TOO PERFECT.  I WENT TO MCD'S FOR HAPPY MEAL.  HEAVEN.

CPR

I WENT TO FIRE STATION#1 FOR HANDS ONLY CPR AND HAD A CUP OF LIME SHERBET.  THEN I WENT TO MISS LIB TO TELL THEM AND FINISH MY LIME. 

I'VE BEEN DOING WHAT I WANT.  IT FEELS SCARY GREAT!!

I WAS SO TIRED I FORGET THE NOODLES IN TRUNK.  I CAN EAT THEM TODAY.

SATURDAY BLISS.

GAS LIGHTING

INGRID BERGMAN, ANGELA LANDSBURY, JOSEPH COTTON.  MOVIE OF WOMAN BEING PSYCHOLOGICALLY TORTURED AND DRIVEN MAD. 

MY NECKLACE AND INSULATED LUNCH BAG SHOWED UP LAST NIGHT.

NOT WHERE I KEEP THEM.

THE EVIL SISTERS. 

LEAVING THE PAST BEHIND

MY SILVER NECKLACE/GOLD T CROSS IS MISSING.  WASN'T WITH HEMATITE THIS AM.  I CHECKED FLOOR.  GONE.  BLESS AND WATCH FOR BLESSING.

I WANT A COMPANION.  I RELEASE THE PAST.

ERIC

NOW I UNDERSTAND MY SUCCESS AT CAR SHOPPING JUNE.  ERIC'S FIRST YEAR GONE.  THE BROTHER I ALWAYS WANTED.  5 YEARS YOUNGER.  I WAS READY TO CHANGE PLACES WITH ALL WHO DIED.  AND I'M STILL HERE.

AND I UNDERSTAND BORROWING YOU CAN HEAL YOUR GRIEF 6 WEEKS AGO WITH 4 OTHER LOUISE BOOKS.  I THOUGHT I PICKED IT UP BY MISTAKE.  NUH-UH.

MARCH 2016 I STOP BY THE SHOP ON MY WAY HOME FROM MONTEREY DUNES.  MAY 16, 2016 THE SHOP BURNS DOWN.  AT THAT TIME ACCORDING TO THE NEWS ONLINE THEY KNEW HE HAD STAGE 4 COLON CANCER.  HE HAD HAD STOMACH, LUNG.

I'M STILL PUZZLED.  I MISSED IT.

MOM & DAD

THEIR RELATIONSHIP SET THE TEMPLATE FOR ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS.  I NEED A NEW, BIGGER MODEL.  REFRESH.

MOM WAS AFRAID OF ALL DISCUSSIONS BECAUSE DAD ESCALATED TO ANGER AND ABUSE.  SO I HAD TO LEARN TO ARGUE AND PERSUADE.  I CONSIDERED BECOMING A LAWYER BUT DIDN'T WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE IN CONFLICT.  I CONSIDERED MENTAL HEALTH BUT REALIZED THE SYSTEM TO GET THE EDUCATION IS MOSTLY POLITICAL AND HAS AN INSANE ELEMENT.

I'M STILL CONSIDERING WHAT I WANT TO DO.

MY INSULATED LUNCH BAG IS MISSING FROM HOOK.  I WANTED TO BRING CELERY.

FOUND A QUARTER IN LOCKER ROOM.

PARTY ON.

I AM BLESSED

GOD HAS ALWAYS TAKEN CARE OF ME.  MY ABUSIVE FAMILY GAVE ME A SOLID FOUNDATION OF THE WORST LIFE OFFERS AND GOD HAS GIVEN ME BALANCE OF LIFE'S GOODNESS AND FUN AND JOY AND PEACE.

FLASHBACK

I FELT EXHAUSTED ALL DAY.  ACHY IN MY SHOULDERS AND UPPER BACK.  AFTER LUNCH I GOT MY FLU SHOT.  WENT 3 MILES TO CAMPBELL LIBRARY.  ONLINE I SAW THE CHROME WAS READY.  ONE DAY WITHOUT.

 I LISTENED TO L. HAY DRIVING.  MY STRESS AND ANXIETY ARE LESS.  PICKED UP CHROME ATE LEFT OVER CHICKEN PASTA.  READ WEEPING WEREWOLF AND CAME HOME.  I FELT SO TIRED I ATE A YOGURT. CRACKERS, M/M S.  BREATHING INTO MY BACK I COULD FEEL AILEEN KNOCKING ME DOWN FROM HITTING MY BACK.  AS SOON AS I ACKNOWLEDGED IT WENT AWAY.

STILL FEELING GOOD

I MUST LEARN TO PACE MYSELF.  I RAN AROUND YESTERDAY FEELING GREAT.  TODAY I'M FEELING TIRED.  I'LL GET HERE.

CELERY THE WONDER FOOD

I GOOGLED CELERY BENEFITS.  WHEW!!  AND LAST NIGHT I SLEPT 7 HOURS STRAIGHT THROUGH.  AND NO ACHES.  I STILL HAD TO RUSH TO BM.

I BORROWED TWO LOUISE HAY CD'S AND LISTENED TO THEM IN THE CAR.  I CAME HOME AND READ FOR HOURS.  HEAVENLY.

HURRY BEING

I'M PRACTICING HUMAN BEING.  I DECIDED ON FAUX CRAB SALAD.  THE CRAB CAKES WERE DELICIOUS.

MY RED COPPER ROASTING PAN HAS DISAPPEARED FROM THE OVEN WHERE I STORED IT.  THE WOLFGANG PUCK PAN WAS GOOD.  MY INSULATED LUNCH BAG WITH THE STRAP I LENGTHENED IS GONE.

I REMEMBERED TO BRING CELERY AND GOOGLED BENEFITS.  WOW!!  IT'S LIKE THE WONDER FOOD. I NEED NEVER FEEL HUNGRY AGAIN.

just as well

THE COMPUTER IS FORCING ME TO GO SLOWLY.

PERMEATE & PERCOLATE.  WHEN A CHILD I HAD NO CONTROL OVER THE PROGRAMMING.  NOW I MUST REPROGRAM AND CONTINUE TO UP LEVEL AND CHANGE.

I REMEMBERED CELERY AND ADDED SOAKED ALMONDS.

I EXERCISED AND WALKED SAFEWAY.  NO CROISSANTS.  MARIA SAFEWAY HAD CROISSANTS FOR A DOLLAR MORE.  I HAVE ROLLS.  THERE'S A NEW MICHAEL'S OPENING AT MARIA.  I'M EXCITED.

I BORROWED TWO LOUISE HAY CD'S.  I'LL TRY THEM IN THE CAR.  WHAT ELSE DO I WANT TO DO?  I HAVEN'T DECIDED.

BEEF

10-12:30, 1:30-5.  HEALING/LH PLAYING ON CHROME.  SUCH FEELINGS OF LOSS AND ABANDONMENT.  MY 7-8 YR OLD SELF COMING ALIVE AGAIN.  I HAD TO HIDE HER AWAY TO SURVIVE.

I'M FINALLY SAFE FROM EVERYONE BUT MYSELF.

NOON-  I WENT TO G2, WALKED AROUND SAFEWAY.  DROVE TO MARIA SAFEWAY FOR PCH, CRABCAKES, FAKE CRAB.  ONWARD TO SEE LUCKY'S.  2 MIN BROWN RICE, TERI CHICKEN.  POSTPONED MCD FOR BROWN RICE, PEAS, FAJITA CHICKEN AFTER I DRAINED OFF GREASE.  I USUALLY FEEL BETTER AFTER EATING.  AND I DO, CALMER.  I WANT TO READ TODAY.  NO RUNNING AROUND.

LOUISE HAY

EVERYTHING IS ONLY A THOUGHT.  WHAT I THINK ABOUT ANYTHING GENERATES THE CHEMICALS I FEEL.  I CAN CHANGE MY FEELINGS BY CHANGING MY THOUGHTS ABOUT ANYTHING.

EXAMPLE:  I'M GRATEFUL MY SISTERS STOLE FROM ME.  I DON'T EXPECT THE WORLD TO GUARD MY BELONGINGS FOR ME.  I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR MY THINGS.  I TAKE CARE OF MY THINGS.  THEY OWN ME.

HOMELESS PEOPLE HAVE PROBLEMS OWNING THINGS.  EVERYTHING HAS CONSISTENTLY BEEN TAKEN FROM THEM.  A THROWBACK TO HUNTER GATHERERS.

SO MUCH BETTER 9/11

INGE LET ME KNOW ROSE MARIE INVITED US TO LUNCH THURSDAY SO I GAVE CANCEL SLIPS TO ALL OF US.  I'M INCLUDED.  THEN SHE OFFERED ME HER RECYCLE.  I FOLLOWED HER TO HER HOUSE TO PICKUP 3 BAGS.  I CAN RECYCLE  TOMORROW OR NOT.  IT'S UP TO ME.  HA HA!!!

NEXT TABLE GAVE US PASTRY.  DESSERT!!

12 TO 5:30

FRED ROGERS-AMERICA'S GOOD DAD.  I'M STILL LETTING GO OF MY DISAPPOINTMENT WITH MY DAD.  AMERICA HAD A GOOD DAD TO BALANCE THE VIETNAM WAR, CONSUMERISM.  VIET NAM WAS THE SELFISH WAR TO MAINTAIN THE MONETARY INTERESTS OF COLONIALISM.  I THANK GOD FOR THE BALANCE.

I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO HAVE FEELINGS.  I WAS TAUGHT TO SUPPRESS MY FEELINGS.  THE FAMILY EVILS WERE ALLOWED TO EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS ALL OVER ME AND I JUST HAD TO STOICALLY TAKE IT.  I DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE.  MY LIFE DEPENDED ON BEING AS INVISIBLE AS POSSIBLE.  AND NOW MY STOMACH AND BACK ARE RELEASING ALL THOSE FEELINGS.

FRED ROGERS ACKNOWLEDGED KIDS HAVE FEELINGS AS IMPORTANT AND BIG AS ADULT FEELINGS.

MOST ADULTS THINK KIDS FEELINGS ARE LITTLE AND UNIMPORTANT.  YOU SHOULDN'T FEEL THAT.  WRONG.

10:23 CUPERTINO LIBRARY.  I BOUGHT CROISSANTS AND DOUGHNUTS ON CLEARANCE.  I HAVE CHOICES.  I CAN TAKE THEM HOME OR LEAVE THEM UNDER WET SWIMSUIT.  I JUST THOUGHT OF IT.  I PARKED IN THE SHADE AND I CAN PARK UNDERGROUND AT MLIB.  OR SHADE AT ST J.  TODAY'S THE LUNCH.  GINNY INSISTS.  SHE'S KIND OF BOSSY.  AT 95 I GUESS IT'S SERVED HER WELL.

I FOUND TWO QUARTERS IN PAY PHONE.  MY ANGELS ANSWERED WHETHER STILL THERE.  TYGJ ANGEL CHOIR.

I HAVE MY EARBUDS AND CAN WATCH YOU TUBE.

had to turn in chrome.  AT MLIB.

AND I'M BACK.  I KNEW THERE WERE 3 CHROME AVAILABLE BUT "DENNIS" DIDN'T BOTHER TO CHECK WHEN I REQUESTED A CHROME.  I CHECKED MY ACCOUNT B4 LEAVING AND ANOTHER COPY OF NEIGHBOR FOR 3 WEEKS.  TYGJ.

I WENT ONLINE TO PAY CITI.  I TRIED THE ATM AND NOW IT REQUIRES PASSWORD.  I HAD IT TAPED TO DOOR AT HOME.  I CALLED CUSTOMER SERVICE MISSY NO HELP.  SHE LIED IT WAS ALWAYS REQUIRED.  BS.  I'VE BEEN PAYING FOR MONTHS AT ATM.  I HAD MULTIPLE BILLS BECAUSE IT REJECTS SO MANY.  IT'S SO PARTICULAR.  I WAS RATTLED.  STILL CLEARING.

EARLY MORNING 4:49 AM

THE BEST TIME TO LISTEN TO MEDITATIONS ON YOU TUBE.  TYGJ.

GOOD RECEPTION ONLINE.  I'M AS CALM AND STRONG AS I'M GOING TO BE ALL DAY.  OPTIMUM.

BETTER, BEST

WHEW!!  I SURVIVED ANOTHER ONE.  BAD DAD WEEK.  THE LAST WEEK HE WAS ALIVE WAS HELL.  BEGGING MOM AND ME FOR HIS VICODIN SO HE COULD KILL HIMSELF.  HE WAS IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN FROM THE CHIROPRACTOR AILEEN AND MITZI INSISTED HE VISIT EVEN THOUGH I REFUSED TREATMENT.  I ENDED UP TAKING HIM TO EMERGENCY FOR MORPHINE.  HE WAS DEAD IN TWO DAYS. 

MITZI CALLED ME TO TAKE HIM TO THE CHIROPRACTOR AND I TOLD HER HE WAS ALREADY IN SO MUCH PAIN NONE OF US SLEPT THE LAST WEEK HE WAS ALIVE.  SHE CRIED SHE KILLED HIM. I TOLD HER AILEEN WAS THE ONE INSISTING AND SHOULD HAVE TAKEN HIM HERSELF INSTEAD OF MITZI TAKING HIM.

LET GO

I'M USING THE MEDITATIONS.

3:30 A.M. I GIVE CONTROL AND FOCUS TO HAPPILY EVER AFTER.  FASTER CURRENT LEAST RESISTANCE. 

i keep forgetting

today's dad's deathiversary.  of course i feel sad.  i've been feeling sad and then when i think i remember.  my body remembers.  taking care of him for ten years through his decline, wrecking my back not having the training to carry him when he couldn't walk.  the panic, drama, endless, sleepless care taking.

so many trips to emergency the doctor recognized me when i went in for treatment. 

feeling vulnerable.

i'm feeling like a toddler again.  no words just apprehension and wonder.  and my body hurts as it changes.

I WONDER WHERE THE IDEA OF 60 BEING THE SECOND CHILDHOOD CAME FROM.  THAT WOULD MEAN MINIMUM 20 YEARS MORE EXPECTED.

BLESSES AND CURSES

I WAS THE CURSED CHILD.  I LIVED IN THE CURSED HOUSE.  I'VE BEEN PERPETUATING THE FALLACY WITH MY MISPLACED LOYALTY.  MY FAMILY CURSED ME WITH THEIR LIES.  I LOVINGLY RETURN THEIR LIES TO THEM.  I DON'T WANT THEIR LIFE I WANT MINE.

I DREAMED OF BUTTERFLIES READY TO FLY.  THE METAMORPHOSIS IS COMPLETE.  I JUST NEED TO FEED MYSELF AND FLY.

GOD BLESSES ME EVERYDAY.

BABY

I SLEPT LIKE A BABY.  IT MUST BE THE CELERY.  I CLEANED 5 STALKS AND ATE SOME.  I WATCHED MY GAME SHOWS AND NOTHING WAS ON SO I WAS GOING TO READ BUT BY 8:30 I WAS ASLEEP.

I AWOKE 4:30 STIFF FROM SLEEPING LITERALLY LIKE A LOG, UNMOVING.

DRIVING TO G2 THE LIGHTS WERE WITH ME.  I PARKED, PICKED UP THE TV GUIDE, WORKED OUT, WENT TO SAFEWAY $.99 LEMON BAR, BROWNIE/COOKIE, HALF PUMPKIN PIE.  ON TO CUP LIB, PHONED PCH, WENT ONLINE AND RENEWED CHROME, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO RENEW FOR TWO DAYS.  I ATE ONE BROWNIE, OK NOT GOOD.

I DON'T HAVE TO GO M LIB SO I CAME HOME FOR LUNCH AND REST.  WHEN EVERYTHING GOES SMOOTHLY I GET NERVOUS.  THE PAST I'M LEAVING BEHIND IS FEAR.

AUTO PILOT

THE SUBCONSCIOUS IS THE INNER CREATOR.  MY PROGRAMMING AS A CHILD CAME FROM WHAT WAS INSTALLED, INSTILLED IN ME.

NOW I GET TO CHOOSE WHAT MY PROGRAM CREATES.  I WANT TO FIND AN EASY, DELICIOUS, HEALTHY FOOD.  I WANT TO DO MORE FUN.  I WANT MORE TIME TO BE A HAPPY CHILD.

I FINISHED THE CELERY AND FORGOT TO GET MORE.  I'LL REMEDY THAT TODAY.  MY HEALTH IMPROVED WITH CELERY.

CELERY WORKS

ANTHONY WILLIAM "CELERY CONTAINS SPECIAL SALTS".  SINCE EATING CELERY I'M SLEEPING BETTER.  7 HRS.  STRAIGHT THROUGH.

I KNOW THE CLOGGED SINK IS MY SELF SABOTAGE.  I KNOW THE CLUTTERED HOUSE/YARD IS THE REFLECTION OF MY PAST.  I RELEASE MY BELIEFS CLEARING THE WAY FOR A BETTER LIFE.  I RELEASE THE PAST.

MOST REMARKABLE

THIS MORNING THE MASTER BATH SINK CLOGGED.  I FOUND THE LIQUID PLUMBER AND WAITED UNTIL TONIGHT TO USE IT TAKING MY TIME.  I WISH DAVE HAD REATTACHED THE DRAIN AILING TOOK APART LOOKING FOR MOM'S RING BUT HE REFUSED SAYING IT WAS TOO OLD.  HE REPLACED THE FAUCET.  $700 TWO FAUCETS TWO U-JOINTS TWO YEARS AGO.. 

IT'S STOPPED UP FROM THE DOVE SOAP.  THE CLEANSING CREAM.  CAN'T USE IT ANYMORE.  I'LL FIND SOMETHING ELSE. 

THIS CHROME ONLY WORKS IN BED.  NO RECEPTION ANYWHERE ELSE.  HOW BLESSED AM I?

VERY.  TYGJ.  I'M USING THE LOUISE HAY AFFIRMATIONS.  EXERCISES FOR THE HEART, MIND, SPIRIT.

CARE FILLED

I'M CALMING MYSELF.  I FEEL SO GOOD AFTER TWO DAYS OF CELERY.  I WATCHED ANTHONY WILLIAM VIA LOUISE HAY ON YOU TUBE TO INVESTIGATE.  SIMPLY TO CHECK IT OUT AND NOW I KNOW WHY I BECOME OBSESSED WITH CELERY AND THEN DON'T FINISH THE BUNCH.

MY BODY CRAVES THE CLEANSING PROPERTIES UNTIL A LEVEL OF HEALTH IS ACHIEVED AND THEN I LOSE INTEREST.  I COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND IT UNTIL ANTHONY WILLIAM.

BY-BYE.  I'M HAVING FUN.

1:48 I GOT A V-MAIL FROM MEGHAN/LIBRARY I WON $50 GIFT CARD FROM LOCAL RETAILERS.  I CHOSE BAKERY.  MAYBE A DOZEN, LYFT, ITALIAN, JAPANESE, GREEK RESTAURANT, ETC.  PROBABLY LISTED ON LIBRARY SITE.  SO I HUSTLED OVER THINKING I HAD TO PICK OR THE SELECTION WOULD DWINDLE BUT SHE ORDERS THEM SO NEXT TIME I KNOW ALL ARE AVAILABLE.

I JUST DID TODAY'S WHEEL ONLINE.  IT'S LIKE LIVING IN THE FUTURE.  AND I PARKED AT ST J IN THE SHADE AND FOUND TWO JOURNALS.

ADULT CHILD

REPROGRAMMING, RE FRAMING, TAKES CONSIDERATION.  A HAPPY CHILDHOOD

IF NOT FOR...

MY FAMILY ABUSE I WOULDN'T HAVE MARRIED THE SAME AND LEARNED SO MUCH ABOUT THE HUMAN CONDITION.

I KNOW I'M NOT UNUSUAL.  BUT OTHERS LABEL ME TO AVOID ADMITTING THEIR LAZINESS OR LACK OF SOMETHING.  ANYONE CAN DO WHAT I DO.  THERE ARE SO MANY EXAMPLES OF CHANGE.  SO MANY AVENUES, SO MUCH REWARD.  SO MANY PEOPLE ARE COMMITTED TO USING THEIR ENERGY TO TRY TO MAINTAIN THE STATUS QUO.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND.  DON'T THEY FEEL WORTHY OF A BETTER LIFE?

I KNOW I DO.

15 pennies

AND A DIME=QUARTER AT MLIB.  THE GHOSTS ARE HAPPY PARTYING.

I STOPPED BY THE NEW PARK AT 9 TO SEE IF WORTHY OF 10 AM RETURN.   NO.

I PUZZLED AND SWAM.  YESTERDAY SNACK BAR GAVE AWAY PBJ AND BANANA AT 4 PM.  AND I HAD PLANNED ON FREE SMOKED TURKEY/TOMATO SANDWICH SO I WAS SET FOR LUNCH.  I CLEANED CELERY AND DRAINED SOME DILLS.  YUM.

I STOPPED ST J FOUND PAPER TAPE AND TOY DISH RACK.  $2.18.  GOD IS SO GOOD TO ME.

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE NETWORK DETERMINES THE EFFICIENCY OF THE EXPERIENCE.  I HAVE TO KEEP SWITCHING TO SVP TO SAVE AND PUBLISH.  CSC PUBLIC IS JUNK.

I DON'T HAVE TO THINK OF THE LETTERS TO TYPE.  I'M A LITTLE SLEEPY, I JUST ATE 1 1/2 SANDWICHES, TWO PICKLES, TWO CELERY, ONE BANANA.  SO RELAXED.

I SLEPT FITFULLY.  AWOKE 1:30 AND 4.

I DECIDED TO RETURN CHROME LATEST SINCE ON HOLD.

LOOK AT ME BEING ALL SHREWD.  I HAD ZERO IN 1992 ACCORDING TO THE CALIFORNIA OCCUPATIONAL PERSONALITY SURVEY.  I'M LEARNING.  I LOVE LEARNING USEFUL THINGS.  AND I HAVE FOUND EVERYTHING HAS A PURPOSE.

I WANT A NAP WITHOUT SLEEPING.  I REMEMBERED THE MODERATE AIR QUALITY IS MAKING ME SLEEPY.  LACK OF OXYGEN.  FIRES IN NORTHERN CAL, OREGON, CANADA.  AND CANADA IS PRACTICALLY ALL TREES.

IT'S KIND OF SPOOKY KNOWING THIS BLOG IS BEING VIEWED FROM AN UNKNOWN REGION.  I CHECK THE STATS FAIRLY REGULARLY.  MAYBE SPACE INVADERS.  OOOO....  MORE LIKELY SOME GOVERNMENT.  BORING.

DIARY

I'VE BEEN WRITING SINCE 1976.  MOMMA, DELORISE LUCAS, TOLD ME TO WRITE IN 1992 WITHOUT SPECIFYING WHAT.  IF SHE HAD ASKED I'D HAVE FOLLOWED HER ANYWHERE.  SHE SAID I WAS DOING WHAT I NEEDED TO DO, TAKING CARE OF THE PARENTS.

I HAVE TO MAKE MORE PAGES FOR MY PAPER DIARY.  I AWAKEN EARLY TO HAVE TIME TO THINK AND DO MY HEALING.  TODAY I DON'T RESENT IT.  I SLEPT 9-4:45.  TO MAKE UP FOR YESTERDAY'S 9-1.

1160 LSRd

A's DREAM OF CRITICISM.  MOM TREATING HER AS UNWELCOME RENTER FOR 3 DAY WEEKEND.  WOKE ME UP.  POOR UNWANTED THING.  NEVER FEELING SAFE, SECURE.  ALWAYS COMPETING FOR APPROVAL.  SUCH AN EMPTINESS.  NEVER FEELING GOOD ENOUGH.

HER TEENAGE YEARS LIVING DOWNSTAIRS IN THE COLD, AWAY FROM US, NO BATHROOM OR HEAT.  UPSTAIRS WAS COLD.  DOWNSTAIRS MUST HAVE BEEN FREEZING.  HAVING TO GO OUTSIDE TO COME UPSTAIRS.   M MUST HAVE LIVED IN TERROR MOM GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE.

UNTIL NOW I REMEMBERED ONLY THE GARDEN, THE LONG DRIVEWAY, THE WILD RABBITS, THE WINTER IT SNOWED, THE LILAC TREE, THE ORCHARDS ALL AROUND US.  THE FUN I HAD PLAYING OUTDOORS.  HAVING TO COME HOME FROM SCHOOL TO COOK DINNER AT 8 YRS OLD.  HAVING TO COOK AND TAKE CARE OF MIT.  NO WONDER SHE TRIED  TO RUN AWAY AFTER TWO YEARS OF LIVING LIKE THIS.  IF I'D BEEN MORE IMAGINATIVE, CREATIVE, ADVENTUROUS, AMBITIOUS, I'D HAVE GONE WITH HER.  I GOT PUNISHED A LOT FOR BEING A KID. 

I TALKED HER OUT OF IT BY VOLUNTEERING TO MAKE HER A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH FOR WHEN SHE'D BE HUNGRY LATER.  I PUT IT IN A HANKIE AND TIED IT TO A STICK LIKE THE DEPRESSION HOBOS DID.  SHE HADN'T THOUGHT OF FOOD OR HOW SHE'D SURVIVE UNTIL THEN.  SHE WAS 5 I WAS 10. 

SHE CONSIDERED AND I TOLD HER SHE COULD ALWAYS DO IT LATER.  SHE NEVER DID.  I WONDER WHERE THE PARENTS AND OLDER SISTER WERE.  WE WERE ALONE A LOT.

I DID IT IN MY HEAD.  I READ AND PLAYED IN THE ORCHARD, BUILDING FORTS, SPACESHIPS, DREAMING IN THE CLOUDS.  I USED THE SCHOOL LIBRARY A LOT.

12:40 pm  ANOTHER TEST.  TERRY SAT NEXT TO ME.  IRENE/BILL, LOUIE, FILLED THE TABLE. I SAID WE'D GET ANOTHER SETTING WHEN ANDREW SHOWED UP BUT NOOOOO THEY HAD TO ADD A PLACE AND TERRY SAT DOWN BECAUSE WE WERE FIRST.  AUGH!!!!  SHE SMACKED OPEN MOUTH THE ENTIRE MEAL.  SHE WENT ON AND ON ABOUT EVERYONE MOVING TABLES FROM ANNOYING/NEG MAN AND SHE DIDN'T GET SHE'S ANNOYING WOMAN.

two

THIS A.M. THE SECOND THING TO GRAB MY ATTENTION.  MY BACK BRACE RACK BENT AND DUMPED ALL ON THE FLOOR.  I HAD IT LOADED WITH CLOTHES TOO.  IT TOOK MAYBE FIVE MINUTES TO SORT, REARRANGE,AND MOVE ON.

LAST NIGHT THE CAN OF TOMATO SAUCE IN THE FRIDGE FELL ON THE FLOOR.  I ALWAYS WATCHED MOM GET SO UPSET WHEN SHE DID THINGS LIKE THAT.  I NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHY.  IT SPLASHED ON MY DRESS, THE BOTTOM SHELF, THE FLOOR.  I USED NAPKINS TO CLEAN THE FLOOR, WASHCLOTH FOR THE DRESS AND SHELF.  LESS THAN TEN MINUTES.  I MADE MY DINNER.  I WAS HUNGRY AT 5.  I ATE SPAGHETTI, ROASTED CHICKEN, MUSHROOMS, WITH COCONUT YOGURT FOR DESSERT.

I SPENT THE DAY AT SRS WATCHING NOTHING BUT TROUBLE DVD AND RELAXING.  I REMEMBERED I WANTED SMOKES FROM WALGREEN'S.  DROVE HOME.

I'M LIVING MY LIFE.  A SMALL BEGINNING BUT MINE.  NOT LIVING ACCORDING TO HABIT.  NOT ANYONE ELSE'S LIFE.  FORGING MY OWN PATH.  NO, FORGING IS THE WRONG WORD.  DISCOVERING MY BLISS.

MY LIFE BELONGS TO ME.

HUBRIS

TO BE OR NOT TO BE.  HAMLET.

I TOOK CARE OF MY PARENTS BELIEVING I WAS ABLE AND I WAS SO WRONG.  I WAS TOO INVOLVED AND THEY DRAGGED ME TO THE EDGE OF DEATH.  I WAS UNTRAINED FOR THE PHYSICALITY.  I WAS EMOTIONALLY UNPREPARED.  TOO CLOSE.  I COULDN'T SEE HOW THEY WANTED TO LIVE AND WOULD SACRIFICE ME IF THEY COULD AND ALMOST DID.  THEY DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THE QUALITY OF LIFE ONLY THE QUANTITY.  GREEDY CHILDREN.  NO BEAUTY OR GRACE.

I WAS ALWAYS THE ADULT.

I'M HAVING A HAPPY CHILD EXPERIENCE NOW.  AND OTHERS ARE SO JEALOUS.  ALL THOSE WHO SIT IN JUDGMENT AND CENSURE WILL REAP WHAT THEY SEW.

THOSE WHO CELEBRATE MY HAPPINESS WILL PROSPER AND INCREASE.  IT'S UP TO THEM.  I HAVE NO CONTROL OR INFLUENCE, IT'S ALL THEM.

MY HAPPINESS IS MY ONLY CONCERN.  I'M COMPLETE.

I WANT

MY INNER-OUTER CHILD IS LOVING THE NEW CAR.  I DISCOVERED LIGHTS ON THE REAR VIEW MIRROR.  I CAN OPEN THE CAR AND LOCK THE CAR FROM BOTH SIDES.  EVERYTHING SEEMS TO WORK. 

FADING

MY FEARS ARE SURFACING.  MY FEARS OF MY SIBS STEALING FROM ME.  MOM PUNISHING ME INSTEAD OF DAD.  ENCOURAGING THEM TO MAKE ME THE FAMILY DOG.

I'M RELEASING EVERYTHING THAT HOLDS ME BACK.

BEST KID

I SLEPT GOOD DESPITE THE SMOKE FROM ALL THE FIRES.  OR MAYBE BECAUSE OF THEM.  LACK OF OXYGEN CAN MAKE SOMEONE SLEEPY.  I'M RESTED AND FEISTY.

I'M FEELING PROUD OF MYSELF FOR VISITING ROSE MARIE YESTERDAY.  GOOD GIRL.

I WENT TO CAMPBELL LIBRARY.  I'M GOOD.

YES, I AM.

FAMILY TRADITION

THE SUICIDE-ALCOHOLIC LEGACY IS TERROR BASED.  AS IT LEAVES ME MY LIFE OF PEACE BEGINS.  I FEEL SO DIFFERENT.  I'M FREE.  TRULY FREE.  MY LIFE NO LONGER FEELS LIKE A GIANT WEIGHT I HAVE TO CARRY. 

I CAN HEAL PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY. 

I'VE BEEN PADDLING IN THE POOL AT SRS A HAPPY, CAREFREE CHILD OF GOD AS I WAS MEANT TO BE.  LAST NIGHT I ATE CHOCOLATES LIKE A HAPPY CHILD AND THIS MORNING DREAMED OF THE CHILDHOOD TERROR LEAVING.  YESTERDAY'S DAILY WORD I RELEASE THE OLD AND EMBRACE THE NEW.

I AM MY NEW FAMILY WITH A NEW FAMILY TRADITION OF JOY.

FEELING RICH

DESPITE LOSING MY GYM BAG, I'VE REPLACED EVERYTHING.  I HAD MULTIPLES OF EVERYTHING BEING USED TO THE THIEVING SISTERS.  THE SILVER LINING. 

READY PLAYER ONE

SO MUCH BETTER THAN I HOPED.  I AM SO BLESSED.  I WATCHED DWAYNE JOHNSON-RAMPAGE, ALSO GOOD.  TYGJ.  MORE PLEASE.

I HAVE A TRUNK FULL OF SNACKS, DRINKS, TREATS.

I'M HAVING A HAPPY CHILDHOOD.

 

LA LA LA LA LA

TODAY'S DW IS PLAY.  LATER.....

LET GO

IT'S SO HARD WHEN SURVIVAL HAS ALWAYS DEPENDED ON SELF CONTROL.  ANIMALS DEVELOP INSTINCTS AND PEOPLE DO TOO.  WE CAN CHANGE OUR REACTIONS TO STIMULI.  AND IT'S TERRIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE AND I CAN CHANGE THAT TOO.  THE HYPNOSIS WAS SO WORTH IT.

5 minutes

I WENT OUT TO THE CAR TO LOOK FOR THE DVDS AND GETTING ONLY 4 1/2 HRS SLEEP WASN'T OPTIMUM.  I HAD TO RETURN FINDING YOUR FEET TO COUNTY CUPERTINO.  I REMEMBERED PGE DUE TODAY AND PAID IT.  I MUST HAVE BEEN MORE TIRED THAN I WAS AWARE OF BECAUSE I COULDN'T REMEMBER WHAT I DID WITH THE KEY.  TOOK ME ONLY 5 MINUTES AFTER I HAD A NAP.  TOMORROW DUPLICATE.

I HAD A PRETTY GOOD DAY.  I WASN'T SURE WHAT I WANTED TO DO.  JUSTIN WAS ON THE BOOKMOBILE WITH CODY.  I TALKED TO HIM ABOUT MY LOST BOOK AND DECIDED TO CHECK IN/OUT THE CHROME AND WAIT FOR A MIRACLE. 

I WENT TO ST J AND JOHN GAVE ME TWO QUESTIONABLE DVDS.  HE WASN'T SURE THEY WERE APPROPRIATE FOR THE CHURCH THRIFT STORE, SWEARING.

I HAVEN'T MISPLACED ANYTHING SO FAR.  A GOOD DAY.

NEVER B-4

I'VE NEVER FELT THIS GOOD.  I FEEL CAPABLE AND PHYSICALLY OK. 

MY ENTIRE LIFE UNTIL TODAY HAS FELT UNCOMFORTABLE AND OUT OF BALANCE.  I AM CONTENT.  COMPLETE.  CONTENT WITH THE ACCENT ON THE SECOND SYLLABLE IS HAPPY.  CONTENT WITH ACCENT ON FIRST SYLLABLE IS COMPLETE.  I AM FILLED FULL.  FULFILLED.  COMPLETE.

OMG

I'M ECSTATIC.  I'VE KEPT TRACK AND STAYED CONSCIOUS.  I'M ALMOST DONE CLEARING THE CAR.  AND I FEEL GREAT.  I'M TENUOUS.  I'M CONCENTRATING ON TAKING CARE OF MY BACK. 

GENTLE

I'M LEARNING TO TAKE MY TIME AND BE. 

GOOD GIRL

I'M DOING MY BEST.  I WATCHED WRINKLE IN TIME WEDNESDAY.  IT WAS SO HOT I STAYED IN THE LIBRARY.  I WALKED TO ST J WITH A WET BANDANA  AND TOLERATED THE HEAT BEAUTIFULLY. 

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING

I'M TERRIFIED AFTER SPENDING 67 YRS NUMBED TO LIFE.  I'M FEELING EVERY LITTLE THING.

NO WONDER MOST PEOPLE ARE UNCONSCIOUS.  THEY'RE NUMB.

I DROVE TO CSAA TOTALLY STRESSED OUT.  I LET GOD.  MOST OF MY LIFE IS A BIG BLUR.  BECAUSE OF MY ABUSIVE FAMILY I SHUT DOWN ALL EMOTIONS.  MEMORIES ARE ANCHORED BY EMOTIONS. 

CREATING REQUIRES EMOTION.  FOR MY LIFE TO EVOLVE I HAVE TO USE MY EMOTIONS TO CREATE A BIGGER BETTER LIFE.  LOVE AND ANGER ARE GREAT MOTIVATORS.  THEY DRIVE CREATION. 

JUST ENOUGH

I'VE BEEN DOING WHAT I NEED TO DO.  I NO LONGER FORCE MYSELF BEYOND MY LIMITS.  I CAN REST.  IT'S BEEN EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY HARD REINING MYSELF IN AND SO WORTH IT.

A NEW ME-FREEDOM DAY

I'M DOING WHAT I WANT.  I'M NOT EXHAUSTED.  I CAN FEEL WHEN I'M TIRED.  I WAS TRAINED TO IGNORE MY FEELINGS AND WAS USED TO DRIVING MYSELF BEYOND ENDURANCE, GETTING SICK.

AND THAT'S HOW TAKING CARE OF THE PARENTS MADE ME SICK AND TRYING TO PLACATE THE SIBS KEPT ME THAT WAY.

I WENT TO WALGREEN'S, $ANTA, $DOLLAR TREE, SAVER'S, FOOD MAXX, HOME W/4 TV DINNERS.  I HAVE CHIPS, SNACKS, EVERYTHING I NEED.   

TYGJ

STILL

I'M FEELING A LITTLE UNSURE.  I'M FEELING.  THAT'S PROGRESS.  I'M CONSIDERING GIVING OLD CAR TO MARIA.  I HAVE TO CONSIDER.  I CAN DONATE TO CHARITY.

I'M PRACTICING CALM AND PEACE.

THE ROAD REPAIR WAS DONE WHEN I GOT HOME AND I PARKED UNDER THE TREE.

MY HAPPINESS REQUIRES SO LITTLE.

MY FEELINGS COULD BE EFFECTED BY THE COMET AND FULL MOON.  GRAVITY.

MIA-MAGNUSSEN TOYOTA

29, FROM CHINA.  ALL ALONE.  SO BRAVE.  I COULDN'T DO IT.  SHE'S DIVORCED.  SHE LOOKS 19.  SHE DROVE ME TO GET MY CAR HOME AMD TO PICK UP THE NEW ONE.

I'M BLESSED.

I WAS BORN HERE.  DESPITE MY ALCOHOLIC, SUICIDAL PARENTS I'M OK THANKS TO GOD AND THE KINDNESS OF PEOPLE.

I'M USING UP THE GROCERIES I BOUGHT WHILE BEDRIDDEN.  I SPENT SO MANY TEARS IN FEAR WITH MY THIEVING SISTERS.  I WAS AFRAID OF BEING WITHOUT.

I WANT MORE MONEY.  I WANT THINGS FOR MY FRIENDS.

I DIDN'T GO TO EXERCISE.  I SPENT ALL DAY BUYING THE CAR.  NEXT GET RID OF THE OLD.

ALLONE

FOR THE FIRST TIME I'M LOOKING FOR A CAR BY MYSELF.  AND I DECIDED AFTER TALKING TO DARYL AT SOUTH VALLEY AUTO WHOLESALE, EXPLAINED CIVICS ARE POPULAR WITH KIDS TO SOUP UP.  I WANT A COROLLA.  I THINK.

FALLOUT

I'M STILL LOOKING FOR A USED CAR. DARRYL SUGGESTED 2 P.M. R/T 1 AND NOW I'M GLAD.  I'VE BEEN SITTING IN MY CAR CRYING.  FOR THE CHILDREN, FOR MYSELF, FOR MOM HAVING TO WITNESS DAD'S FATHER'S SUICIDE. 

THIS A.M. I READ A NEWS ARTICLE ABOUT DR. ASPERGERS-NAZI CHILD MURDERER.

AND I JUST READ NEWS ARTICLE JULIANA FURTADO SUICIDAL MOTHER AND THE EFFECTS.  ME ALL OVER.  THE DEPRESSION, MOOD CHANGES, TRIGGERS.  OVER TWICE AS MANY SUICIDES AS MURDERS.

AND ANOTHER MASS SHOOTING 4 MINUTES AGO.

SINCE I CAN'T RUN FROM MYSELF, WHAT SHALL I RUN TOWARDS???

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE

ANOTHER FATHER DAY MOVIE!!

THUR.6/28-BART MILLARD IS PLAYING CONCORD PAVILLION.

HOW'S THAT FOR GOD IN ACTION.

I PAY MY DEBTS

I JUST HAVE TO KEEP MY PRIORITIES STRAIGHT.

THIS MUST BE FATHER ISSUES WEEK.

I ACCIDENTALLY RECYCLED WEEPING WEREWOLF MONDAY.  AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT I FIGURE SINCE I CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE.  I BORROWED ANOTHER COPY YESTERDAY FROM CAMPBELL LIBRARY.  I READ DRAGON OF DOOM.  ONLY TAKES AN HOUR TO READ.   

THE WEEPING WEREWOLF IS THE BOY'S MISSING FATHER.

AND IN THE MY TEACHER IS AN ALIEN (AILEEN) SERIES PETER HAS FATHER PROBLEMS TOO.

HUH.

I'M DOING ALRIGHT

I JUST HAVE TO REMEMBER:

SHE REFUSED TO TAKE MOM AWAY AND MOM ATTEMPTED SUICIDE. 

SHE COLLUDED TO EMBEZZLE.

SHE HAD THE NERVE TO COMPLAIN OF MISSING MOM AFTER I BEGGED HER TO VISIT MOM AND SHE WAS TOO BUSY.

SHE CONTINUES TO ASK ME WHAT I WANT SO SHE CAN DENY ME.

IT STILL HURTS-FATHER KILLERS

MIT CALLED WITH A BOGUS EXCUSE ABOUT JOB TRAINING.  SHE'S FEELING GUILTY ABOUT HER PARTICIPATION IN DAD'S DEATH.  AILEEN MANIPULATED HIM TO THE CHIROPRACTOR  AND MITZI AIDED HER IN DRIVING HIM TO DEATH.  LITERALLY. 

SHE WANTS ME TO THINK ABOUT SELLING MY HOUSE.  HER CHOICE TO COLLUDE WITH AILING AILEEN. 

AND MITZI IS STILL BEING MANIPULATED.  WHEN I MENTIONED AILING (AILEEN) SHE "LAUGHED" SHE'S TOO BOSSY.  DEFINITELY AILING AILEEN.  AND MANIPULATED MITZI.  LEARNED FROM MOM AND DAD.  I LEAVE THEM TO KILL EACH OTHER.

I HAVE TO EXPECT IT FATHER'S DAY.

EVERY TIME MIT STABS ME IN THE BACK IT STILL HURTS.  LOGICALLY I SHOULD BE USED TO IT BY NOW.  MAYBE SOME THINGS AREN'T POSSIBLE.  COME ON GOD.

I'VE DECIDED THE BEST REVENGE IS TO LIVE A LONG, HAPPY LIFE.

CALCIFIED THINKING-FATHER'S DAY 2018

SOMEHOW I GOT THE NOTION THAT IF I DROVE 3.4 MILES TO CUPERTINO FROM G2 I HAD TO WAIT UNTIL THEY OPENED AT 10.  THEN IT OCCURED TO ME I COULD DROP OFF MY DVDS AND LEAVE.  SO FREEING.

I'M TAKING BACK MY WEEKENDS.  MY CAREER IN RETAIL REQUIRED MY WORKING WEEKENDS.  MY THINKING MADE EVERY WEEKEND WORK.  NO MORE.

I LIKE WAKING UP AT ALL HOURS.   I CAN SLEEP WHEN I WANT.

TODAY AT G2 I TRIMMED MY NAILS.  BLISSFUL TIME.  I DON'T HAVE TO BE ANYWHERE ANYTIME.

I NEVER IMAGINED AND YET HERE I AM.

I HAVE FOUR DIFFERENT BAGS OF CHIPS TO SAMPLE.  MORE BLISS.

I CAN HAVE PORK CHOPS OR HOT DOGS.  MY CHOICE.

MY DAD'S THINKING AND PROJECTION ON ME.

LARA CROFT

I NEVER IMAGINED THE REMAKE WOULD BE A FATHER'S DAY MOVIE.  TOMORROW.

i walked to the store at 6 am for $.97 a lb strawberries.  i started sorting through the camouflage.  i'm able.  Wonderful.  I just have to remember to pace myself.

I was watching Mr Rogers Neighborhood on toddlers and noticed how seniors are in reverse gear.  So much for Benjamin Button.

I'm staying in so far.  Following guidance.

I'll go to the library tomorrow.  I have to return things.  i'm so jazzed Cupertino opens at ten and then over to city.  And Lucky's is 2X rewards.

WAHHHH!

I'M FEELING FRUSTRATED.  I HAVEN'T FOUND MY CAR YET, I HAVE TO RENEW CHROME AT LIBRARY, OH I REMEMBERED HAPPY BIRDS TODAY AT CENTRAL.  I HAVE TO DECIDE ON WHAT TO HAVE FOR LUNCH.

SO MANY CHOICES.

I FINALLY DECIDED ON DOLLAR TREE BASCOM AT 8 A M.  ON TO WALGREEN'S MERIDIAN OUT OF STOCK, 24 HOUR SHOWER, SAVER'S I USED THE $5 COUPON, CAMPBELL LIBRARY DROP OFF PICK UP-BOOK SALE, WALGREEN'S SMOKES, SAFEWAY HOMESTEAD RB SANDWICH, ST JUSTIN, LIBRARY CHROMEBOOK EXCHANGE-WAITED FOR HAPPY BIRDS PARROT SHOW 1;30 TOO FULL, CAME HOME. 

HAPPY HALF B-DAY

WHAT DO I WANT?  I'VE BEEN WATCHING MR ROGER'S NEIGHBORHOOD.  THE GOOD DAD TO SO MANY INCLUDING ME.

WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?

WHAT DO I WANT TO BE?

TODAY THE BOOKMOBILE COMES HERE.  THAT'S ONE. 

I CHARGED MY ELECTRONICS.  TWO.

I FORGIVE MYSELF

AGAIN.  I CAN'T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR NOT BEING LOVED.  NOT MY FAULT. 

IF I'D BEEN ADOPTED I MIGHT HAVE HAD A CHANCE.  I'D HAVE GROWN UP WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY.  BEING THE FAMILY DOG HAD SO MANY DISADVANTAGES. 

AND NOW I HAVE TO LEARN HOW HUMANS INTERACT.

I DESERVE LOVE.  I WANT LOVE.

LOVE IS GOOD VIBES.  LOVING MYSELF IS THE BEGINNING OF RECEIVING LOVE. 

SIMPLE PHYSICS.

I'M DOING MY SUNDAY THING

I WENT G2 AND STOPPED AT NISSAN SV.  CAR STILL ISN'T READY.  IT'S IN SHOP.  THEY DON'T OPEN SUNDAYS 'TIL 10 AND IT'S TOO HOT 88 o's.  SO I WENT MARIA SAFEWAY ONLY BOUGHT 3 DONUTS.

AT LUCKY'S I GOT MAC CHEESE FREE.  THE COUPON WOULDN'T WORK AND THE LINE WAS PILING UP SO HE ERASED IT.  BEEF SHISH-KA-BOB $3, 2 SALADS $1.49 EA.  I TOOK IT OFF STICKS AND BROILED IT.  DELISH.

I DID A TINY BIT OF CLEANING.

SATURDAY TV REVELATIONS

I JUST FINISHED WATCHING A SOUTHERN YANKEE/RED SKELTON 1948, MR. PEABODY AND THE MERMAID/WILLIAM POWELL 1948.  SATURDAY MOVIES I SAW AS A CHILD.  I'D CLEAN HOUSE IN THE MORNING AND WATCH MOVIES IN THE AFTERNOONS.  MOM AND DAD SHOPPING OR VISITING THEIR FRIENDS, A& M OUT WITH THEIR FRIENDS AND ME HOME ALONE.

SUCH A TREMENDOUS FLASHBACK.  I PICKED UP THE DVDS FROM THE LIBRARY YESTERDAY. 

MY HISTORY IS COMING BACK TO ME.  SUNDAYS EVERYONE WOULD BE HOME AND I'D READ IN MY ROOM I SHARED WITH M.  THE SERVANT IN THE ATTIC WHILE THE FAMILY ENJOYED THE CLEAN HOUSE..  UPSTAIRS DOWNSTAIRS.  I'D BE CALLED FOR MEALS.  DON'T EAT TOO MUCH OR TOO LITTLE AND BE HUMILIATED.

I NEVER HAD A HOME OR FAMILY.

A HUGE HOLE IN MY LIFE.  WHOLE.

hurray! JUNE!

MOM'S BIRTH/DEATH MONTH WAS A TERRIBLE EMOTIONAL VOLCANO. 

i just noticed

the horoscope has the date on it.  i'm stressing.  divorcing the family is hard.  just as HARD AS DIVORCING THE EX.

TV SCHEDULE IS DOING WEIRD THINGS TOO.

I HAVE TO DIVORCE AUNTY TOO.  SHE'S NOT WRITING BACK.

kodama

Princess Mononoke forest spirit.  I'm getting in touch with myself.  The weirdness I feel isn't just me.  It's the culture. 

HHWW.  The only solution.

sweet

I have it pretty good.  I'm giving myself a happy childhood.  I'm lying in bed eating my custom oatmeal, playing pch scratchers, watching free library dvds, charging the chrome.

Does it get better?  I'm expecting it will.

I'm actively looking for a new used car.  T took me yesterday.  I'll go alone today.  I'm sore and tired and I can do it.  I've been here b4.

I needed a hot soak, got some free stuff, looked at wheels/deals, home for r&r.

short term memory

is back.  One of the most annoying things after my back injury was not having access.  I'm getting better.  I only took half an hour to remember my purse and I was able to recall last night's bonus puzzle almost immediately.  Well, faster than b4.  I had to remember the category then the actual puzzle.  Win!

PEACE GARDEN

I WANT LOVE, HEALTH, PEACE.

YESTERDAY B4 P.T. I CHANGED MY BAG TO THE HOBO AND BY THE AFTERNOON I FORGOT.  I SPENT A PANICKED HALF HOUR LOOKING FOR IT B4 I REMEMBERED.

AND NOW I KNOW WHY I CAN CHANGE MY BEHAVIOR AND CHANGE MY LIFE.

I SAW A HOUSE WITH A BASEMENT, CONCRETE ALL AROUND THE FOUNDATION, SPACES FOR PLANTS AND TREES.  IT LOOKS SO SENSIBLE. 

STOMACHE

MY BODILY SENSATIONS ARE CHANGING AND MY LIFE SITUATIONS ALSO.  NOW A BOOK I CHECKED OUT HAS DISAPPEARED FROM MY RECORDS AND A BOOK I DON'T HAVE HAS APPEARED.  IT MUST HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE BOOKMOBILE. 

I DIDN'T NOTICE SINCE I CHECKED OUT SO MANY.  I WENT BY THE NUMBER OF ITEMS.  I SHALL HAVE TO CHECK MY RECEIPT.

I CONTINUE TO SLOWLY EMPTY MY CAR.  I CONSIDERED JUST LOADING ALL STUFF INTO THE NEW/USED CAR BUT THE LOGISTICS OF BOXES NECESSARY PRECLUDES THAT. 

AND MY STOMACH HURTS.  IT MAY BE MY BACK.  I'VE BEEN MOVING MY STUFF REORGANIZING.

AMAZING

I USED THE SCRABBLE TO SOLVE THE WORD JUMBLE.
I'M HANGING ON.
I STILL FEEL ANCHOR LESS.  I FEEL I CAN DO ANYTHING.  WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?

weird week

I'VE FELT DESOLATE, WITH RETURNS, CAR SHOPPING, PHYSICAL THERAPY STIRRING UP MY BACK, THE CHROME DISAPPEARING FROM MY RECORDS.

MY ORDERED LIFE IN SEEMING CHAOS.  I TURNED IN THE CHROME AND GOT A NEW ONE IMMEDIATELY. 

I STARTED CLEARING OUT MY CAR AND FOUND THE BAG.  I HAVE SO MUCH.

TYGJ.

FLASHBACKS

PTSD-MY BODY SCREAMS 3;10 AM OF SITTING ON WICKER FURNITURE AT 14-15 MONTHS OLD.  IT HURTS TO SIT ON THE WICKER COUCH.  I'M AFRAID TO MOVE. SPLINTERS, IT FEELS LIKE IT'S BITING ME.  I FEEL SO TERRIBLY UNHAPPY.  MY LIFE IS ONE OF MISERY, CRUELTY, HUMILIATION, TORTURE.  MY GRANDMA IS MY ONLY RESPITE.

MY PARENTS SPEND THEIR TIME SCREAMING.  THEY'RE SO UNHAPPY.  FEAR ANXIETY ARE CONSTANT.  MY 7 YR OLD SISTER HAS BEEN A HUMAN PING PONG BALL RAISED BY TWO IMMATURE DAMAGED PEOPLE.  HIS DAD HUNG HIMSELF 1 YEAR 4 MONTHS BEFORE MY BIRTH 1949.  MAYBE WHY I WAS TREATED LIKE MALE.  A WAS 3.  THEY MARRIED 1942 WW 2.  WE LEARNED TO PRETEND TO BE HAPPY. 

I'M STILL UNLEARNING.

I MAY NOT KNOW

EVER.  I'M FEELING A TINY BIT BETTER.  MAYBE I'M JUST ADAPTING.  I HAVE WAY MORE EXPERIENCE WITH HARD TIMES.  HEAVEN FEELS WEIRD AFTER A LIFETIME OF HELL.  AND HEAVEN IS CONSTANTLY EVOLVING AS I EVOLVE.  SO.....

OH WELL

I LEFT MY PHONE BAG IN THE SR DINING ON A CHAIR.  I SPENT HALF HOUR LOOKING FOR IT RETHOUGHT AND REMEMBERED PUTTING IT ON THE CHAIR NEXT TO ME.  I GOT UP, PUSHED GERTA'S WALKER OVER TO HER, GRABBED MY CARRY ON AND LEFT.  AND LEFT IT ON THE CHAIR.  I'LL TRY LOST AND FOUND TOMORROW.  BOTH PHONES IN IT.

OH, WELL.  I'M REALLY MISSING MOM.  I SPENT THE AFTERNOON LOOKING FOOR CARS.  I ATE AND NAPPED 4;39-6;30.  WATCHED JEOPARDY-WHEEL LOOKING FOR CARS.  GETTING READY FOR BED I NOTICED I DIDN'T HAVE MY PHONE, LOOKED IN THE CAR, ALL OVER THE HOUSE.

IT'S OK.  I'M OK.  NOT DOING AS WELL AS I HOPED.  AND THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

ON THE VERGE OF SLEEPING I FLASHBACK TO CROSSING THE STREET AT LAWRENCE MONROE ON THE WAY TO 5TH GRADE AND BEING HIT BY CAR, KNOCKED OVER, ALL MY BOOKS FLYING, WOMAN IN CAR LOOKED AT ME NEVER EVEN STOPPED.  AND THEN I REMEMBER THE BOY ON THE BIKE THAT KNOCKED ME DOWN AND NEVER STOPPED AND I'M TOO UPSET TO SLEEP.  I NEVER TOLD ANYONE.  MOM WOULD HAVE MADE IT MY FAULT.  SHE MADE EVERYTHING MY FAULT.  MY SISTERS STOLE FROM ME AND SHE WAS FINE WITH IT.  SO THEY BECAME THIEVES.

GHOSTS

THE CHROME HAS DISAPPEARED FROM MY RECORDS.  A GIFT?  T HAS TOLD ME MANY TIMES TO BUY ONE.  OWNING THINGS REQUIRES MAINTENANCE, WATCHFULNESS, POSSIBILITY OF LOSS.  I HAVE A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY AS IT IS.  MORE THAN I WANT.  MY CAR.  LOOKING FOR A NEW USED ONE.

I'VE ALREADY LOST TOO MUCH.  AND MORE WILL BE REVEALED.

what to do

i'm trying to renew chrome and it disappeared yesterday from my records.  it may reappear overdue.  shall i turn it in or use it.  there are 5 available.

NO IDEA.  AND THEN WAITING FOR IT TO LOAD I WAS RUNNING THE CURSOR AROUND THE SCREEN AND MINIATURIZED IT. 

I'M EXHAUSTED. 

ALASKA

I CALLED T HAPPY B-DAY.  HE'S IN ALASKA WITH ROB.

BOOKMOBILE DAY.  I WENT TO CAMPBELL LIB. 

CHECK ENGINE LIGHT AGAIN, PRACTICE PEACE.  HHWW.  TOMORROW I GO TO #1 PHYS THERAPY. 

I DO MY EXERCISES, STRETCHES AND PROGRESS IS SLOW.  I'M FEELING DEPRESSED.  AND THIS TOO SHALL PASS. 

I BOUGHT BLUEBERRY STRUDEL TO CELEBRATE THE END OF MONOPOLY.  WE WENT LAST AT LUNCH.  I HAD A TINY WRAP.  I WAS STILL HUNGRY AND MY LADIES GOT ME AN EXTRA SALAD.  I COULDN'T BEAR THE CHICKEN CHOP SUEY FULL OF GREASE.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.  I NEED A BETTER LIFE.

STAR ONE CAR SALE 9 DAYS.  I WANT AN EASIER CAR TO DRIVE AND MAINTAIN.

   

PEACE

MY NUMBER ONE PRIORITY.  YESTERDAY I REMEMBERED T IS LEAVING TODAY AT NOON FOR ALASKA TO SEE ROB.  LOU IS IN MAINE.

I DELIVERED HIS B-DAY CARD AND BON VOYAGE.  I REMEMBERED CITIBANK AND PAID IT AND CITY DUE.  WHEW!!

TYGJ.

i'm still dealing with the fallout of taking care of the ungrateful folks.  watching them die miserably was too much.  even if they deserved it.

NEW TERRITORY

I'M KEEPING IT TOGETHER.  I FEEL FLOATY.  I HAD INTENDED ADDING MONOPOLY AND BROUGHT THE COUPONS INSTEAD.  AUGH!

NOT REALLY.  I'M PRACTICING NEW BEHAVIORS.  BE=HAVE.  IF I WANT A DIFFERENT LIFE I LIVE DIFFERENTLY.  I CONTEMPLATED PUTTING OUT BINS.  NAH. I DECIDED LAUNDRY.  AND CHARGING CHROME AND PHONE.  SO I READ YESTERDAYS PAPER I BOUGHT AT MARIA SFWY FOR A BOX OF TICKETS I'VE GONE THROUGH AFTER ST JUSTIN.

MANTRA

HHWW.  ALL I HAVE IN THIS WORLD IS ME. 

tantrum

NEXT DOOR JIM OFFERED TO CLEAR FRONT YARD TOMORROW FOR YEARLY CITY CLEAN UP.  HE INCLUDED YES NOTE.  DOESN'T GET ANY EASIER AND I HAVE MY DOUBTS.  I'VE BEEN BETRAYED TOO MUCH AND SEEMS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE EVEN THOUGH I KNOW I DESERVE IT.  I'VE WORKED LONG AND HARD.  WE'LL SEE.

I NEED SOMEONE TO LEAVE THIS TO.  I HAVE NO ONE.

THE GARAGE BACK DOOR WAS UNLOCKED AND THE OVEN WAS ON.  SHE STILL HAS THE OPENER.

I ATE THE DONUTS.  MARIA SFWAY HAD KRAB AND LUNCH MEAT.  FIRST I HAD A HUGE LUCKY SALAD AND THEN POTATO/KRAB/CHEESE BOWL.  NAP ATTACK.

FREEDOM

I SPENT THE DAY MONOPOLIZING.  I AWOKE AND TOOK MY TIME GOING TO G2.  I WENT TO SAFEWAY FIRST AND THEN TOOK BACK A TOWEL AND WORKED OUT.  I WENT TO MARIA SAFEWAY LOOKING FOR THE FREE ASPIRIN.  I CHECKED OUT QUEST LABS NEXT TO THE PHARMACY INSIDE SAFEWAY.

I CALLED T GOING TO BREAKFAST W/GREG HOME BY 11 FOR TICKETS PICK UP.  ON THE WAY I CHECKED OUT LX SAFEWAY.  4 DONUTS COUPON ITEMS.  CLERK SHORTED ME A TICKET, I WENT BACK FOR IT.  ANOTHER FREE CHIPS.  YAY!

I BOUGHT CROISSANTS 75% OFF. 

GOOD GIRL

I'VE DONE MY BANKING, FILLED THE GAS TANK, ORGANIZED MY BILLS.

TOMORROW I'M FREE.  TODAY I'M FREE.  AND THE WEATHER IS PERFECT.

I MISPLACED THE VISA CARDS FROM CARE MORE AND FOUND THEM.  I'M ENJOYING READING GOOD PILOT PETER WOODHOUSE.  TYGJ.  ALIENS ATE MY HOMEWORK IS GOOD TOO.

CINDERELLA

WHEN I WAS EIGHT I WAS SURE I WAS ADOPTED WITH TWO STEP-SISTERS NEVER REQUIRED TO DO ANYTHING WHILE I DID ALL THE COOKING CLEANING, ETC.  SO I THOUGHT I WAS CINDERELLA.  I FIT THE DESCRIPTION.  I WAS BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING AND DIDN'T KNOW HOW I HOW I HAD BECOME SO POWERFUL AS TO AFFECT THE ENTIRE WORLD.

AS AN ADULT I WAS ATTRACTED TO BLAMING ADULTS TOO AND TO A LESSER DEGREE I STILL AM.  ME IN DENIAL. 

I'M GLAD

I CAN'T AND DON'T WANT TO IMAGINE THE FUTURE.  I FEEL SORRY FOR THE KIDS THAT HAVE SUCH A CHAOTIC, COMPLICATED WORLD. 

WHEN I THINK OF MY CHILDHOOD WITH ORCHARDS, PEACE AND CALM DESPITE THE FALLOUT DRILLS AND THREAT OF NUCLEAR APOCALYPSE.  I HAD FIELDS TO PLAY IN, NO TRAFFIC.

SOMETIMES PROGRESS ISN'T PROGRESS.

THERE ARE AMAZING TECH IMPROVEMENTS IN LIVING.  IS THE PRICE WORTH IT?

 

HEALING CONNECTION

USED TO HAVE BREAKFAST MEETINGS TUESDAY MORNINGS AT HOBEES RESTAURANT; TOWN AND COUNTRY, SAN JOSE, EONS AGO.

THOMAS HANNA SOMATICS
NATURAL MENOPAUSE
COURSE IN MIRACLES

I LEARNED SO MUCH.

YESTERDAY I WENT TO THE DR CHUNG AND HE GAVE ME MAMMOGRAM, BLOOD WORK, PT, HOMEWORK.

I'M FEELING TIRED AND DEPRESSED FROM THE BACK PAIN, LEG MUSCLE THROBBING.

I'VE BEEN WORSE, I'M GETTING BETTER.  I MUST REMEMBER.

EH

HERE WE ARE AGAIN.  CAN'T SLEEP.  BACK HURTING PINCHED NERVE.  I'LL SURVIVE.  BEEN HERE B4.

10PM-BETTER AFTER MUCH STRETCHING.  REMEMBERING HOW BAD IT WAS I CAN SEE HOW MUCH I'VE IMPROVED.  I'M STILL ABLE TO DRIVE ALTHOUGH IT'S VERY PAINFUL.  AND I'M NOT BED RIDDEN AGAIN.

AND I THOUGHT TO CHECK LIBRARY CATALOG SINCE I CAN'T WALK MUCH.  MANY, MANY NEW BOOKS FOR ME.  TYGJ.

LOOK FOR THE SILVER LINING.

mom's deathiversary in two weeks.  no wonder my back is rebelling, remembering.

TORO NAGASHI

WHILE RESEARCHING ANIME I CAME ACROSS THE RITUAL WE FLEW TO HAWAII TO PERFORM FOR DAD IN JULY 2000.  I'VE BEEN SO SAD.  THIS WEEK I'VE BEEN UP AND DOWN EMOTIONALLY.

MY LADIES ARE MAKING ME HAPPY WITH LOVE, RESPECT AND INCLUSION.  MY FAMILY ALWAYS TREATED ME AS THE OUTSIDER, REJECTING ME.  THE CONTRAST IS PAINFUL.  NO WONDER SO MANY PEOPLE REFUSE TO CHANGE.

I'M UNDERGOING METAMORPHOSIS.

IT'S TOUGH BEING UNLOVED

IT'S TOUGH FEELING UNLOVED.  NO SELF ESTEEM.  NO MOTIVATION.  DEPRESSION.  KNOWING GOD LOVES ME KEEPS ME MOVING AHEAD.

I'M ADJUSTING AND ADAPTING TO NEVER BEING LOVED.  I'M FEELING SAD.  I'VE NEVER KNOWN HOW TO ACCEPT LOVE.  MY LADIES LOVE ME, THEY LOVE EVERYONE.  NOT IN AN UNCONDITIONAL WAY.  THEY WISELY KNOW HOW TO LIMIT THEIR INTERACTIONS WITH PEOPLE AND SET LIMITS OF BEHAVIOR.  I CAN LEARN.

AUDREY ANN IS SO INCREDIBLY ALONE.  AS AM I.  SHE COMES TO ME FOR ADVICE AND LISTENS AND USES WHAT I SAY.  I TOLD HER WHEN PEOPLE ARE MEAN TO HER TO PRAY FOR THEM.  IT RELEASES HER FROM THEIR CRUELTY.  SHE CAN GO ON TO BE HAPPY.  IT WORKS FOR ME.

excellent

DDOS

DISTRIBUTED DENIAL OF SERVICE=HACKERS

ON JEOPARDY AN ANSWER TO MY DENIAL OF EMAIL ACCESS.

going sane

I TRIED SIGNING IN AT SRS AND COULDN'T DO IT AGAIN.  I'M FEELING PARANOID.  I CHECKED THE SECURITY AND OAKLAND AND LOS GATOS CAME UP SIGNED IN.  I SIGNED OUT ON 25 CITES.  I'LL HAVE TO SIGN OUT EVERY TIME.

SOMEHOW I LOST THE MONOPOLY TAGS ROSE MARIE GAVE ME TODAY.  AND OVER THE WEEKEND THE TV GUIDE  I MUST BE MORE EXHAUSTED THAN I KNOW. 

T CALLED W/MONOPOLY TICKETS  I'LL GET THEM TOMORROW.  I TOLD HIM OF THE EMAIL BLOCK AND HE ASKED IF I BUY ONLINE.  NEVER.  GOOD REASON NEVER TO BUY ONLINE.

I SET OUT ALL BINS AND BROUGHT THEM IN.  I'M GETTING BETTER.

changes

I DON'T LIKE IT.  BASED ON HISTORY IT'S BETTER AND I RESIST.  I AWOKE TO A DREAM OF A IN THE GARAGE GOING THROUGH THE BOXES OF FABRIC.

IN REALITY SHE WENT THROUGH THE ENTIRE HOUSE, TOOK EVERYTHING SHE COULD TURN INTO CASH, MOM'S AND MINE, AND STUCK WHAT SHE DIDN'T WANT FROM HER HOUSE AND HERE IN THE GARAGE.  I FEEL SAD.  I DON'T KNOW FROM WHAT.  IT'S BEEN THE SAME SINCE MOM DIED IN 2001.  I'M  STILL FEELING SAD.

THE SADNESS HAS BEEN BUILDING ALL WEEK.  THE NEW TV SEASON.  THE GUIDE CHANNEL IS NOW A RELIGIOUS 24 HR.  INGA IS BACK THANK GOODNESS.  SHE'S THE BACKBONE OF THE GROUP.  HER QUIET STEADY PRESENCE.  AND MARIA A SAT AT OUR TABLE.  I SIT IN MARIA O'S SPOT, I JUST NOW REALIZED.

I JUST REMEMBERED WHEEL.  AND I REMEMBERED THE ANSWER OF THE BONUS FROM LAST NIGHT.  I'M RECONNECTING SYNAPSES.

SO COMFORTABLE

TOO COMFORTABLE?  I ALMOST FORGOT TO PAY DISCOVER AND I DID FORGET PGE.   PGE AND COMCAST HAVE NO LATE FEES. 

SO I GUESS IT'S OK.  I PRIDE MYSELF ON TIMELINESS.  DANGER SUSAN.  PRIDE GOES BEFORE THE FALL.

I FEEL LIKE CRYING.

GAMES

BUZZR TV HAS SOME GAMES I LIKE TO TUNE MY BRAIN.  NOW YOU SEE IT, BLOCKBUSTERS, SALE OF THE CENTURY, SUPERMARKET SWEEP.

EVERYTHING IS FALLING INTO PLACE FOR MY PERSONAL HEAVEN.  I'M ENJOYING MORE OF THE THINGS I LIKE.  THE THINGS I BUY FOR OTHERS I'M USING. 

I'M USING THE GROCERIES I BOUGHT. 

I DIDN'T FLINCH

SUNDAY WAS JINNY'S 94TH B'DAY.  SHE TOLD ME LAST WEEK AND I FORGOT, SHE REMINDED ME AGAIN TODAY AT LUNCH.  THEY ARE SO FORGIVING AND ACCEPTING.

MOZQUITO MAN WAS BUZZING IN MY EAR WHILE I WAS PUZZLING SO I GOT UP TO GO EXERCISE AND HE ASKED ME WHY I WAS LEAVING SO I TOLD HIM.  HE WAS UPSET.  DON'T ASK IF YOU DON'T WANT MY TRUTH.  I THINK I SHOCKED MY LADIES.  HE PUSHED THE PUZZLE TABLE AGAINST THE WINDOW, TURNED HIS BACK TO THE ROOM AND STARTED ANOTHER PUZZLE.  I TOLD KIMO UP IN THE COMPUTER ROOM SO HE WOULDN'T BE SHOCKED.

INGA WAS BACK.  SHE LOOKED TIRED UNTIL LUNCH.  FOOD WAS GROSS.  YESTERDAY AND TODAY.  I STILL TOOK TWO MEATBALLS.

I WAS HOME 12;40.

PSYCHIC BLESSINGS

I'VE AVOIDED TWO HEAD ON CAR COLLISIONS.  THAT SMALL STILL VOICE.

I'VE HAD DREAMS THAT I ENCOUNTERED IN REALITY.  DREAMS LEADING ME TO HAPPINESS.

I'VE LIVED INTUITIVELY.  BEING LOGICAL LED ME TO A HORRIBLE LIFE.  MY CHILDHOOD PROGRAMMED ME TO TAKE CARE OF HORRIBLE, SELFISH PEOPLE.  I COULD HAVE CHOSEN TO CONTINUE A SAD LIFE OBSERVING PEOPLE SELF-DESTRUCT BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T WILLING TO CHANGE.  THAT WAS MY FORM OF SELF DESTRUCTION.

I DECIDED I'D HAD ENOUGH.  I CHOSE TO CREATE A DIFFERENT LIFE.  IT'S NEW AND  SCARY ONLY BECAUSE I HAVE NO PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE WITH HAPPINESS.  AND TOTALLY WORTH IT.

I DIDN'T BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION UNTIL PHYSICAL EXHAUSTION REMOVED THE WALLS OF MY PAST LIVES.  WHY WOULD GOD HAVE US LIVE IN THE THIRD GRADE OVER AND OVER?  OUR FREE WILL DEMANDED REINCARNATION.  SOMETHING YOU DON'T HAVE TO BELIEVE IN FOR IT TO WORK.

I WANNA DANCE

I'M FEELING ACTIVE.

STARTING WITH THE PIZZA

I'M CELEBRATING BEING ME.  I'VE BEEN COMING HOME EARLY PLANNING ON MAKING THIS MY HOME.  I'VE NEVER HAD A HAVEN=HEAVEN.  I'M EATING POTATOES, SALAD, GOOD STUFF AND DESSERT.  CANDIES, FRUIT, WHATEVER I WANT.  YESTERDAY I ATE TWO DRUMSTICK ICE CREAM CONES. 

I HAVEN'T HAD ANYTHING STOLEN IN A WHILE.  HURRAY!!

THE SUGAR MAKES ME SO ITCHY.  I COULD MOVE AROUND MORE.  DANCE.  JUST ACT GOOFY MY FAVORITE.  BURN OFF THE EXCESS.

Thanks

Thanks  I just found the setting for the auto keyboard.  Fun!  I have to be in a good way I don't know if all the books have the option.

I'M DONE.  IT'S TOO ARBITRARY.  I MAY LEARN IT LATER.

I WENT TO G2 WITHOUT CBS SUNDAY MORNING. THEY CHANGED THE TIME TO 7 AM.  SO AT 6 I WAS ON MY WAY.  I FORGOT MY PHONE/FREE COUPONS AT HOME.  I HAD MY OTHER GIFT CARD.  I TRIED TO BUY CLEARANCE THAT THE PRICE WAS ALL MESSED UP.  I PASSED.  I BOUGHT PIZZA INSTEAD.  SHE GAVE ME 6 TICKETS.

THE QUIET MAN

ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES. 

FINALLY

THIS IS MAYBE THE THIRD TIME AUNTY HAS ASKED ABOUT DAD'S ASHES AT THE BUDDHIST TEMPLE SO I'M SENDING HER PICTURES SINCE SHE SEEMS TO HAVE THROWN AWAY MY LETTERS. 

YESTERDAY I WENT TO TD TO GET COPIES BUT HE DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT.  AFTER I GAVE HIM PHOTO PAPER.  D'S USING IT.  HE SCANNED THEM AND SENT THEM TO MY EMAIL.  THEY LOOK SO GOOD ONLINE.

8 AM-I WENT TO WALGREEN'S AND IT TOOK HALF AN HOUR.  THE DEDICATED COPIER HAS BEEN REPLACED.  I HAD TO WAIT 'TIL THEY COPIED THEM.  NOT GREAT.  GLOSSY PAPER FINISH REFLECTS TOO MUCH UNDER THE SCANNER AND MAKES IT LOOK FUZZY.

HAVING THE CHROME BOOK MADE ONLINE EASIER BUT I SPENT SO MUCH TIME LOOKING ONLINE.  BECAUSE IT WAS SO EASY.  NO MOTIVATION TO DO MORE.

THIS CHROME BOOK HAS A WEIRD TOUCHY SEPARATE KEYBOARD THAT KEEPS POPPING UP.  DIFFERENT FROM ANY I'VE BORROWED B4.  OH, I PICKED IT UP THIS AFTERNOON.

AUNTY

SENT ME 13 MONOPOLY TICKETS.  I KNOW I WROTE ABOUT DAD'S ASHES BUT SHE DOESN'T RECALL.  I'LL SEND HER SOME PICTURES AFTER I GET THEM COPIED.  SOME OF THE PICTURES ARE SPRING 1998 IN HAWAII.  ON THE BACK IT SAYS THEY WERE DEVELOPED MAY.  JUNE I BOUGHT THE TIMESHARE, AUGUST HE FRACTURED HIS SPINE AND SEPT 1999 HE DIED WITH A'S HELP. 

HE DETERIORATED FAST WITH HIS STUBBORN ATTITUDE.

OH, WELL.

THE PICTURE WE TOOK HIS ASHES IS 11-13-99.  A YEAR AND 8 MONTHS SHE WAS DEAD WITH A'S HELP.

I SURE HOPE I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEM AGAIN.

BLUE MOON

I'M FEELING ANXIOUS.  COULD BE THE PULL OF THE MOON.  HOW CAN THAT BE WHEN THE ONLY THING THAT CHANGES IS THE ANGLE OF THE LIGHT REFLECTED FROM THE SUN.  LIGHT IS ADDITIONAL ENERGY.  I DON'T KNOW.  LUNATICS SUPPOSEDLY BECOME MORE AGITATED DURING FULL MOON.  LUNA=MOON.

I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO; TAXES, RETURN DVDS, EXERCISE, LUNCH.  WHAT TO DO.

3:30- 18 HOUR DAYS.  I WENT TO WALGREEN'S, $ANTA, I EXERCISED, WENT TO LIBRARY 10  AM TAXES DONE 10:45.  STOPPED BY LUCKY'S TO USE $15 REWARD AND THE CLERK GAVE ME AN EXTRA $ SO THE REWARD BALANCE CAME OUT CORRECT, TD HAS A FILE CABINET FOR ME, CAMPBELL LIBRARY QUIET MAN & SHAPE OF WATER, $TORE CAMPBELL, PAYNE PO DROP OFF LIFE INSURANCE, TD, HOME.  NO WONDER I FEEL TIRED MOST OF THE TIME.

9 PM- I WORE MY FIRST PAIR OF FANCY JEANS TODAY.  I THOUGHT I LOST IT.  MY WICKED EVIL STEPSISTERS HAD TAKEN THEM LIKE SO MANY THINGS.  I FOUND THEM AND DECIDED TO WEAR THEM FOR EASE OF MANEUVERING THROUGH MY BUSY DAY.  WHEN I COULDN'T FIND THEM I FOUND ANOTHER PAIR I TAILORED TO FIT PERFECTLY.  AND IT WAS HOT AND SWEATY AND OK.

I COULD HAVE DONE MORE BUT THOUGHT BETTER OF IT.  I DON'T WANT TO OVERTAX MY BACK.

ESP & GRAVITY

CAROL KULTANSKY WAS MY A SURROGATE SISTER FOR A NUMBER OF YEARS.  SHE'D CALL ME AS A COMPANION FOR TRIPS AROUND THE AREA JUST LIKE A.  SHE'D DRIVE JUST LIKE A.  ONE OF HER JUNKETS WAS TO EXPLORE ESP AT SOUTHERN CROSS.  THEY TAUGHT CLASSES AT SOME OFFICES ON MARTIN AT SAN TOMAS.  IT WAS CLOSE BY SO EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T INTERESTED I ACCOMPANIED HER AFTER WE WENT TO DINNER ONE DAY.  WE ARRIVED EARLY AND THE TEACHER ASKED US TO HELP WITH A DEMONSTRATION.  ONE OF US AT THE FRONT OF THE CLASS FOR MUSCLE TESTING, THE OTHER AT THE BACK FOR THOUGHT PROJECTING.  SHE WANTED TO BE AT THE FRONT.  I THOUGHT GOOD THOUGHTS AT HER AND HER BIOFEEDBACK WAS STRONG, I THOUGHT NEGATIVE PROJECTIONS AND HER MUSCLES WERE WEAK.

IT STARTED ME THINKING.  THOUGHTS ARE ELECTRICAL ENERGY.  FOCUSED LIKE A LASER, LIGHT AMPLIFIED STIMULATED EMITTING RADIATION.  SO I WENT TO THE LIBRARY AND BORROWED 7 BOOKS.  THE MAN WHO INVENTED LASERS WONDERED IF LIGHT IN THE FORM OF DISCRETE ELECTRONS COULD BE CONCENTRATED.  SO HE DEVISED A HIGHLY POLISHED CONTAINER THAT WOULD BOUNCE THE ELECTRONS FROM SCATTERED LIGHT TO EXIT THROUGH AN APERTURE THE SIZE OF A SINGLE ELECTRON AND INVENTED SOMETHING THAT HAS REVOLUTIONIZED MEDICAL PROCEDURES AND ELECTRONICS.

GRAVITY IS THE DENSITY IS THE CONCENTRATION OF ELECTRONS.  THAT SAME UNSEEN INFINITESIMAL ENERGY.  MAGNETISM IS THE ALIGNMENT OF ELECTRONS. WHEN I WAS EIGHT I LEARNED A MAGNET CAN BE CREATED BY CREATING A FIELD THAT ALIGNS ELECTRONS.  TAKE AN IRON NAIL, COIL COPPER WIRE, A BATTERY, ATTACHING ONE END TO THE POSITIVE, THE OTHER TO THE NEGATIVE CAUSES THE ELECTRONS  TO ALIGN AND THE NAIL BECOMES MAGNETIZED.  A MAGNETIC SCREWDRIVER CAN BE MADE BY RUNNING A MAGNET TOWARDS THE SHAFT AND DEMAGNETIZED BY REVERSING DIRECTION, REVERSING POLARITY.

I ALSO LEARNED HOW HOLOGRAMS ARE MADE.

HOLY DAY

GOOD FRIDAY.  A MISNOMER.  HOW CAN THE DEATH OF JESUS BE GOOD.  I'VE CONSIDERED HE HAD TO DIE IN A PUBLIC MANNER TO LEAVE NO DOUBT OF HIS DEATH TO GIVE HIS RESURRECTION VALIDITY.  HIS "SUFFERING" ON THE CROSS I HAVE MY DOUBTS.  LOGICALLY, IF HE CAN CHANGE WATER TO WINE AND CALM STORMS HE COULD HAVE EASILY AVOIDED CRUCIFIXION. 

I KEEP FORGETTING AND REMINDING MYSELF HE DIED ON THE CROSS SO WE DON'T HAVE TO.

AND FEELING TIRED

I AWOKE 3:30 AM, WATCHED EQ.  DID MY ROUTINE AT SRS.  I FORGOT BOOKMOBILE DAY.  2 BRAND NEW DVDS.  GOT GERTA A BOOK BAG FOR ELSIE.

I WENT TO UNDER MLIB, RETURNED SAME KIND OF DIFFERENT AS ME.  ST J  ZERO.  I NOTICED MY TINY BRACELET NOT ON MY WRIST.  RETRACED MY STEPS.  OH, OH.  I FOUND IT IN CAR.  DECIDED TO WEAR IT UNDER MY HEMATITE.  I WATCHED FLORIDA PROJECT.  CAME HOME 3:51

I'VE NEVER HAD SO MANY NEW ONES TO WATCH B4.

AND FOOD.  SO MUCH LEFTOVERS.  I MADE ANGEL HAIR PASTA 12 MINUTES.  THIS IS THE BEST.



 

PIZZA

STRANGE DAY.  I WENT ONLINE TO LOOK FOR COMPARABLE PRICING ON ROOFS AND EXTERIOR PAINTING AND HOME ADVISER SENT MY INFO TO A BUNCH OF PEOPLE CALLING AND EMAILING.  AN OPPORTUNITY TO CHOOSE MY BEHAVIOR.

I CAN IGNORE OR RESPOND.  HMMMM.....

I PICKED UP MY FREE SHALLOT AND $3.37 PIZZA FROM SFWY.  DELICIOUS.  SHE SHORTCHANGED ME $.49 FOR SCOOBY DOO FRUIT SNACKS.  DELICIOUS.  I ATE TWO TINY CHEESECAKES.

I FINALLY PUT CASTERS UNDER THE CHAIR.  I DROPPED AN ALMOND AND HAD TO RETRIEVE IT.

I WATCHED A MOVIE, PICKED UP BIG SICK AGAIN, LOOKED IN ST J.

CLOSE CALL

AFTER A GREAT DAY, GREAT WEEK, I GOT AN E-MAIL TO ACTIVATE MY W-MART ONLINE.  IT ASKED FOR MY ACCOUNT ID AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE IT WAS.  AFTER LOOKING EVERYWHERE I FOUND THE NOTEBOOK BUT I MAY HAVE LOST THE CHEAT SHEET.  SO I MADE COPIES WHICH I'D BEEN MEANING TO DO.  WHEW...

 I HAVE NO IDEA WHETHER I PUT IT AWAY.  I REORGANIZED WHEN I STARTED USING THE BACK PACK.  MY BACK AND POSTURE ARE SO MUCH BETTER.