i'm sitting in my car listening to kelly howell on you tube. a plethora of recordings. silver lining to covid cloud.
walked and stretched. got lunch and parked around corner. you tube kelly howell while computing,eating lunch. great!!
home 2;30 puttered. consolidating drinks, snacks etc. dinner i made ramen and salads added diced smoked ham. coconut dessert. love boat preempted by twilight zone marathon for new year's. oh, well.
wrote bills, planned next month.
i ate my bbq sandwich. i missed mr limpet again and discovered county has copy. i have 7 ready.
dollar tree caulk, craft magnet, juice, 2 jewel pens.
yesterday feels a life time ago. i computed but didn't hang. doing new things stretches perception. maybe that's why others think differently. they do the same things over and over and don't grow. you can do different things with the same attitude mind set and it isn't a new experience. doing the same old things with a new attitude mind set is growth.
$tore still no chips. 2 natural pizza sauce for noodles 1 m wash.
i'm listening to 'secret' on chrome. beauty. i ate my lunch in peace, tossed garbage.
i've been trying to complete scratchpath games since before 11 now 12;17. completed tires, 2 aarp sweepstakes. maybe i need a nap. i found a good reception spot. finished 1 pm.
i took bathroom break college safeway clearance 3 mini altoids for the tins possible hide-a-key 2.37, 2 poppy seed 4.98, corn swirl 1.25 off ends tomorrow so half price. too sweet and tough.
maybe county tomorrow. feeling tired. county on saturday with banking.
tylophora is now main stream. since 2003. i gave a plant to exploratory surgery nurse for allergy. works for asthma too. i did what i do best, connecting people. i surfed the web. i hope they discover shepherd's purse for tumors.
i realize and accept margaret wheeler's disdain for me. i now realize she's never even liked me. when i ran into her at senior center i was confused. she used me like alien and nit. i admired marge because of penelope keith british actress 'to the manor born' a woman dealing with hard economic times gallantly. despite master mind partnership for all those years i never saw how small her 6 foot frame was. i no longer feel impelled to return her stonehenge medal. it's mine now. i can go on without doubt. i don't want to irritate anyone.
i see people as greater than they are. it's me.
mom knew alien was lying mom taught alien and nit to lie to everyone especially themselves that it doesn't matter. another lie. but it does. lying creates dis-ease.
i'm listening to 'secret' on you tube. never occurred to me before. i can have everything i want. today's daily word; 'i take the best and leave the rest.' everything they've stolen from me i've lived without. maybe they're just garbage collectors.
i thinly sliced olive loaf used uv light on mold. toasted with cheese.
i cooked linguine added sesame oil, black seeds, sliced carrots celery. so delicious with chicken i could eat everyday. even betteer than chow mein. i'm inspired.
i started keeping spools of thread with matching bobbin and relized i'm out of snack bags. went to $tore one last uv and 4 aaa batteries if i gift it. 2 snack bags and clearance liquid ajax. i'll try anything once.
don't know what i did. i accidentally swiped and the menu disappeared. with yesterday's post. i refreshed the page and got everything back. whew.
the only thing i want is chinese food from s'vale safe way so i'm set.
i'm getting the hang of this new world. now we can get back to home reception.
loretta breuning; dopamine fasting.
quotable people; there are so many i know nothing about.
i feel wonder filled. this isolation is my childhood and i'm comfortable. makes me feel young. back in time.
finished can of soup with veg rice i cooked last night. most satisfying breakfast. arrived seniors almost regular time. just living. very good feeling. peace and prosperity. my childhood was so stressed with the arguing and tension. they gave what they preferred and many times i got the impression like ex they didn't want me to have what i wanted. alien went out of her way to break what pleased me best. mom and dad were jealous gods. nit didn't count 'tho i suppose she delighted in my unappiness too. it amazes me that anyone could find schadenfreude so enjoyable. makes me uncomfortable. upsets my stomach but that's probably what gives them dis-ease.
i've always been concerned i'd like it here too much. so far no chance of that. it's starting to rain big warm drops noon. did my walk and stretch. so pleasant. after 2 hours wanted to use bathroom went to college safe way closed. drove to home safe way 3 bathrooms closed. i walked store looking for chocolate cake and whip cream none looked good. came home. ate rice noodles chicken delicious. 3 pm still wanted cake and more noodles for tomorrow went maria safe way. chinese food gone. bought good looking chocolate parfait. delicious. dessert first. i still have rice and chicken.
oh, i'm yawning.
i've figured it out. i can save as long as i don't mess with the post until i have internet connection. i can update as long as i'm connected. when i'm out of the hot spot if i do anything but type it resets everything to the ether.
i'm looking for the words to 'god is better than football'. i started watching 'mary and max' about autism. anime. perfect for autism. people have so many thousands of cues to pick up on autists can't keep up and overload.
i walked park and stretched.
looking for panda express. i decided to go to maria safe way first to see about chinese food. checked clearance and used restroom. $6 two entrees one side. only had one chicken so i got noodles and double chicken. just as good. very satisfying. plenty for tomorrow. he heaped it full.
movie channel film noir so i watch 'monk'. i used to love it and now it seems formulaic and silly. i could watch dvd but i'll save it for tonight. the city dvds are due 1/29 so i have lots of time. next county due sat jan/2.
finally time is passing. it always seemed to go so slowly. i guess i wasn't enjoying myself. now i do what i like from my choices i'm happier.
i do love blogging when i have a new thought. or want to remember an old. missing george more than i knew and lamenting i couldn't be who he needed. 2003 was the operation and 2 trips to emergency. i was deeply in the midst of my life up to that point. brian called to tell me memorial january so cal. offered to drive down from his place. day trip lovely service. too sick to meet his relatives. eric and steph didn't attend. took me a month to recover from the effort.
pch is slow to allow time for the ads. so many ads. so i'll go back and forth between tabs.
picked up lunch and online checked safe way. flash sale progress soups limit 8 @ $.98 so i rushed to college store clearance 3 bags stevia half off and came back looking for hot spot. i'm back at seniors. mission library no parking in front.
2 pieces pumpkin pie and beef barley peas croutons for dinner. 8 pm 'holly dolly christmas' channel 5 weird when she's such a social person covid distancing is weird.
11;30 arthur is walking. i gave him one last year. chicken parm pretty good or i'm very hungry.
another experiment. i realized i can come to seniors later and walk after lunch pick up. i considered giving light to bea from library as city is rotating employees to keep them alert. walter showed up just in time. i computed a little and walked and stretched. life is mellower. had to use bathroom went to target and checked dvd players. walked to sprouts and bought pumpkin pie and clearance dry mustard.
for dinner 2 pieces pie, i opened can of progress wedding soup added amino and lunch salad. delicious.
tried internet too slow. sitting by seniors south side, parking not open yet.
autism sensitive hearing sight probably due to prey aspect. evelyn geraci probably best combination balance of predator/prey i know.
watchung noel coward is difficult for me. the human condition i find painful.
i've been praying for next door. she accosted me with not parking under my own tree to her discomfort setting out bins. i didn't know i needed her permission. so alien.
i'm praying about new back doctor too. so much is clearer to me now. injury ripples through the body like an earthquake travels. the deeper the tissue trauma the longer the symptoms take to manifest. i'm driving from seniors checking lucky's card balance. two clearance salads. ok, and walked cvs for dvd player.
good appointment. dr. masseh good listener. i have to get x ray she'll look for spacing and spurs. discussed many techniques.
watching cesar 911 he disrupts behavior with a haunch tap. then he directs wanted behavior. i'm learning so much.
when behavior is repeated electic pathway builds a myelin sheeth to protect highway. how we remember. muscle memory too. why addiction feels hard to correct.
i can go to sara lucky or main or seniors for internet. hmm... being skeptically cautious i want to check st j card balance.
humongous line blocking intersection. two lines. i don't know. maybe they don't have letters. i'm using library hot spot.
i'm excited. when i couldn't internet i jotted down 2 names from china tv news and they both work figuring out the brain. everybody has one. may as well know how it works.
trudie chalder phd. king's college. depression=chemicals
loretta g breuning phd. cal state east bay. neg biological survival set point.
daily word-i cooperate with the healing presence within me.
at least some of my post is saved. i can't get reception home so i'm wandering. the strongest is by kiely park apts. i'm sitting on the patio in the cold.
this happened another time and then reception came back. i'm forced to think differently. ouch.
auto save would be heavenly. i'm doing save each thought.
i still have gift card safe way for big choco quick. bought small at lucky all they had 3 x points this weekend.
#6. i came straight home and started calling. finally got everything straightened out 2 pm. dr chung without telling me sent authorization to a back pain doctor in campbell. eddie care more therapist had to tell me. i called dr chung 4 times before they said anything. then i called campbell they needed more authorization. more phone calls.
so frustrating could scream. i hate, hate hate.
got here seniors 10;32 #9. at home spent 40 minutes on hold trying to get physio appointment. do i want care more and the phone frustrations? ruth so cal finally said try afternoon.
i feel proud that i'm doing it. i haven't felt this good in months maybe year. i'm growing into my autism brain.
tried and tried. talked to more people. called dr chung to fax copies authorization to care more. called again and again. finally left call back.
maybe i don't have to go.
everything is working so slowly. the computer, phone charger. i considered the charger not functioning 100% so i'm trying alternate charger. could be old battery. i'm trying alternate phone.
only the best survives. it's like classical music only the best survives. the cream rising to the top. i'm watching astaire and rogers.
animal behavior is basic. when animals misbehave there are reasons. people misbehave and don't know why they do what they know not to do and do it anyway. alien ex and nit.
i left ex because i knew i didn't want to be part of the destruction and i was unequipped to do anything with the lying cheating self sabotaging going on. every 6 months he was afraid he'd get fired for over stepping his authority at work. he lied to two therapists for 2 years and i was done. he decided he was right the world was wrong and i gave my best that wasn't enough for him. i knew enough that somehow i contributed to the unhealthy codependency. i didn't know what it was.
cesar is so clear and precise in his observations and gets results. mammals learn and function based on programmed behaviors supporting survival. humans have intelligence to change their behaviors if they become aware. cesar lamented having to couple counsel the dog's owners.
i stopped a lifetime of smoking last year. no longer serves me. i used to need it. i was born to it. dad chained smoke. mom lit his smokes. quitting used to be difficult. free nicotine gum and covid isolation removed chaos. the physical and psychological need.
so good. i made 1 1/2 c mac in 'pasta and more' teaspoon salt add water first line 17 minutes. small diced one celery stalk grated small carrot. found safflower mayo 1 cup. 1 salt 4 black pepper large can tuna with water heaping tablespoon dry onion. half can drained black olives. drained pasta combined. so delicious i wanted to eat it all. i forgot to add peas. tomorrow. extra sweetness. i can make peas onion gravy rice.
i'm improving. i bought myself 2 cans dark roca almonds. i thought of making it myself but why. i'd like to make sweet wasabi almonds.
i'm having breakfast in bed. 2 helpings blueberry cobbler last piece crunchy chicken. perfect. flossed and nicotine gum.
relaxed all day lunch cobbler 2 b patties. dinner i wanted chips saw weekend food. ate onion grated carrot celery peas mac salad tuna i prefer. toasted sandwich b'fast tomorrow. catching cold from doc yesterday. sniffles itchy eyes. or maybe reaction dilating med.
dr mark was concerned optic cup last year but just normal for me no change. very strict office precautions staff member testing after family member tested +. finished at 10 am prescribed glasses choosing frames at 3 pm.
#10 car came home ate lunch put away weekend food forgot to pack county returns. 12;30 went lucky's freebie quaker oats. big lots heavy black slippers $12 and bras $10. fit great. tom called on way to cup library wished me happy birthday 'cause he got my christmas card. told him i'd call him back. dropped off darling buds, merry sitcoms, that girl, one foot, picked up 7 books dvds. called back tom told him auntie sent me $100 for my birthday christmas. reminded me uncle died 4/'17 and eric 6/'17. he told me noe died thanksgiving.
i remembered putting them somewhere varmints wouldn't find them. they were by front door. bought them monday. when i couldn't find them i wondered if i bought them. i remembered paying $2.97. i rinsed them 3 x. maybe in a cobbler. ooh, i can use creamer.
i'm wearing my k kids sweatshirt with my name. i've been saving them. time to wear them. fitting perfectly. uncle died 4/11/17 and eric 6/13/17. i wonder if everyone dies first half of month. dad 9/5 mom 5/13.
i took my time showered went seniors 10;30 #10. considered libraries came straight home. online county 3-5 today and main closed 'til january. online i saw main is closed 'til january and county hours 3-7.
i'm watching 'mildred pierce'. funny i never recognized veda was alien and nit. i've been so unconscious. despite all their machinations over the years. or maybe because of them. knowing mom's unpredictable violent nature i always feared she'd kill someone.
i cooked 4 burgers and blueberry cobbler. i used coffee creamer and pancake mix 2 eggs. so good i ate 2 burgers 2 servings cobbler.
maybe afternoon better. i kept in there finally 9;09 am 18 calls connected pamela in campbell said pay and i'd be reimbursed. hurrah!!
felt successful went to campbell big lots returned bras $37.15. walked store. then drove good will open. walked store. nothing i wanted or needed.
seniors 10;36 #9 walked park and stretched. maybe chili's free kid's and dessert. who knows. i went no online reception ordering so went home for freebie numbers online. ordered and paid online too an hour. easier than panera. picked up crispy chicken meal and kid's and chocolate cake vanilla ice cream. i'm set for dinner. ate senior fish and greens ok.
remembered to watch 'love boat'.
i need all the learning tools i can get. libraries now have books movies. main no requests. county is a-ok.
returned bra that didn't fit. weird same number as first that did. bought sage and rose gaiters. lovely keeps my neck warm. soft i can pull over my face. i love it. went seniors chicken good. home i considered buying another style didn't. i finally went through salad dressings in fridge. i had 3 opened balsamic i condensed to 1. 2 b b q sauces to i. and i'm fixing rip in book bag.
i got medicare bill i don't know to pay. i start soc sec january. auto pay medicare so do i pay? i tried calling. on hold hour and half. gave up.
and now i'm upset.
i got openly blamed for pearl harbor especially by men trying to manipulate me to their control. i wasn't even born then. 'darling buds of may' have the german version. one step removed. women use prejudice to build themselves up. so much wisdom and common experience in the series.
true to form after shower and laundry friday i went to bed 8;30. rested all day yesterday and couldn't sleep 'til 3. woke at 7 and started my day. terrible pelvic back pains took a lot of stretching.
decided i didn't need to do anything i didn't want to. i watched cesar 911. bike biting dog reminded me of being knocked to the ground from behind from boy riding to jefferson jr high and another morning woman in car hit me and kept going when i was 8-9 years old. my injured body not just from family beatings.
11 i went to denny's but no freebie grand slam. so i checked out big lots 2 bra sets one good. citibank atm still doesn't work to pay bill. panda express orange chicken walnut shrimp chow mein. sunny $tore 4 pineapple sun glass cases, 2 calendars, 50 cent dozen christmas cards. home lunch dinner rest. hurrah!!
napped 4;30-5;30.
the entire world is living my life. isolation. disenfranchised. being tolerated.
today, abuse stands out like a sore thumb. without the crowds to hide and confuse everything life becomes crystal clear.
bored with pch games malfunctions not enamored with news or 'murder she wrote' i dressed and went to campbell dollar tree. looked all over store for calendars, bras and leg warmers found clearance tall garbage bags 50 cents. realized i wanted big lots. .2 mile a world apart. walked store finally asked, no bras. $3 purse calendar 2 year. went to car and remembered leg warmers sock section. i found bras used my $10 off 40 coupon.
came home. thought about returning dvd. huh, i didn't think of mission. ate ok lunch and tried on bras. none fit comfortably. i have 'til 1.15 to return them.
i watched 'hope gap', interesting.
maybe i did too much yesterday after 4 days of rest. i used igor to sleep to and woke 6;30 terrified of being crippled like dad. i'm tense all over. healing only happens relaxing the body. tension keeps everything in place not allowing the cells to move. that's the neck tightness i have now, huh. the last part of my body to reclaim. the neck/head/mind. i focused on taking care of parents and ignored my body. i was taught i didn't own myself. i do now. yesterday's daily word 'free'. i owe nothing to anyone else.
yoga teaches re owning the body. consciously reconnecting. 'classsical stretch' takes the mind/body connection one step farther. peggy cappy recommends 90 % stretch to avoid overstretching and injury.
i'm learning.
driving to seniors i noticed check engine light. oh, oh. i got in line, called he was out test driving car said call back 15 minutes. i walked park stretched feeling pretty good. called back got voice mail. remembered i needed to pay bills. wrote life insurance. picked up lunch. drove to p o.
since i was close i went to car shop. carlos cleaned air sensor reset computer $20 i had cash. drove to chase withdrawal star one deposit. at library i ate bland lunch. picked up 11 movies. on to sunny dollar store 2 c cough drops, 2 packs socks, 3 stretcher bars. home 2;30.
rested, toasted corn bread, cooked sliced onion, added diced real carrot, diced potato, can of progress beef stew. diced raw radish. delicious.
feeling tired and healthy. inactivity 4 days. well rested. took out garbage. watered porch plants. 10;30 dollar i got last 3 chips 2 mouthwash. arr seniors 10;50 #10 walked park stretched good. not so much popping cracking. fed squirrels avocados. felt pretty good. planned libraries. no one main. picked up 3 dropped off south, saving, lego isla.
decided to try am tire. passing chase remembered banking tomorrow postpone county 'til tomorrow. first in line i waited 10 minutes thought maybe self serve like costco. i started setting machine young man came over offered to do it i acquiesced. 4 lbs low. so worth it. definitely drove better. can impact mileage.
home i put things away ate lunch i forgot to eat cranberry. finely shaved roast beef gravy on bread scoop mash. soggy diced carrots.
dinner i cooked potato w/melted cheese, turkey cranberry, toasted corn bread. yam for dessert.
i didn't want to do anything. inner tantrum. 3 pm i dressed, took my time went to lucky's for free sparkling ice (it has caffeine), yams. cooked the last one, sesame oil, corn bread. big lots was out of mix and had best bras and $1 spices. $1 mini panettone fruit cake. i do love fruit cake. i'm happy.
i ate potatoes, yam and turkey. i have one more meal. with cranberry. i thought about going dollar store sv. nah, i don't have to. maybe tomorrow.
4 days of bliss. i can process, comfort my sadness, celebrate my improvements. and the auto update is working.
i rested after considering going to lucky's freebie sparkling ice and big lots corn bread mix. nah. i think clearly think better well rested. i remembered jamie at 6.
betrayed. abandoned. heartbroken. maybe it happened to them before they had words. then they don't know where their feelings come from. they believe those feelings are who they are not what someone did to them. people who can't love themselves. dangerous predators. rabid dogs. unpredictable. alien & nit.
2020 year of the rat. ohh... trump year.
what to do. what to be. happy. what makes me happy today? not sure. i cooked a zucchini and sliced some turkey. opened whole cranberries. perfect sweet sour. i am blessed.
i can go to 4 different churches for dinner. do i feel like driving? i don't. 1 north, 1 south, 2 east. revisiting the past. i had no money. tiny income. there's not much i want besides peace, health and happiness. life effortlessly easy. living as god intended.
sighing a lot. releasing. yesterday i ate so much honey chipotle almonds i gave myself a stomach ache. moderation today. i ate senior lunch brown rice turkey whole cranberry. dinner potato, turkey, freebie gravy pretty good. yam dessert.
best thanksgiving ever!!
good that i have time. i locked front door got to car left my keys in house. all my keys. went to look for hide and squirrels or cats knocked it somewhere. finally found it had terrible time getting it out. i need new method.
oh, what to do. i picked up lunch and went to drop and pick up main library. forgot 3-7 today. stopped at safe way for roasted turkey. found 3 clearance chipotle almonds, checked out 2 soups. i bought and returned 2 sliced cheeses no sale price because i bought 1 already. sale price one time only. ridiculous.
i went seniors 10;16 #6. art walked by so i walked over to his scooter to get his address for christmas card. took me 3 tries to figure out how to enter on my phone. i edit ok but couldn't figure out how to save. beautiful sunny day lots of kids.
i decided to try finding last day freebie no bake cookies at college safeway. score. found 50 cent brush, clearance frozen michelina mac cheeseburger 62 cents, havarti cheese $1.99. $3.16 total saved $8.17.
i'm stunned. i think it's my right brow right eye. wearing my 2 back braces keeps me warm. i don't want to do anything. chicken bland but cooked thru'. zucchini good. mac burger ok.
today's daily word patience. people mistake my persistence for patience. i'm obsessive not patient. i finally asked the asian couple if their son is autistic. yes. a component of aspergers.
dinner was potato with cheeses. and yam for dessert. chips fill in the spaces.
while i was typing. i think the chrome has a bug.
i felt somewhat ambitious and put out bins, watered porch plants. dave todd (betty) has someone trimming his kiwi.
i arrived seniors the latest ever 10;27 #7 because of overcast drizzly day. i still walked park stretched.
went to main to renew secret. 9 is the new max. i asked to check in and check out but they renewed 10. oh, well. came home brought in bins. ate almost inedible pork loin slice. boiled diced carrots and boccoli terrible. watched dr oz olivia newton john natural health after breast cancer. they discussed kelly preston died july of breast cancer. i started wiki and looked up it was 12;55. i was dressed drove mile to dr office with anthem letter reassigning me to sunnyvale. he called care more and still in system. he made me copies of normal mammogram and bone scan.
i got national geographic from auntie. i was planning on writing her after holiday but today is good.
inspiration; plowman's share. i baked potato, added amino to veggies and melted philly cheese and swiss. so good.
i rested all day yesterday. well, i organized some of my bag collection. checked under my bed where i spilled corn chips. almost couldn't get up from my knees. managed by leaning on bed and pulling myself up and i can almost sit on my heels. wow, i wrecked my back. again.
i have to go pick up my st just care package. only 3 senior lunches. i have 4 days off this week. i better start getting ready. i'm going slowly to avoid injury. friday this white haired couple in their brand new red hot tesla were driving super slowly in front of me. life is amazing.
i went to dollar store 3 chips, mat, ramen. got to st j just before 1. looking around it was empty. no line. i drove to table with church ladies and gave them the letter and envelope. i got my choice of turkey or 2 $10 gift cards. i drove around the lot and john checked me in for cards safe way or lucky's and 1 bag of groceries. home by 1;04. i put everything away. canned yams, 2 corn, gravy, stuffing mix, green beans, 5 lbs potatoes, 3 lbs carrots, apples, oranges.
somehow i erased everything. i got all my settings back i think. i don't know.
i can get cooked breast for thanksgiving.
first native american woman saint. lily is purity. i never got that before.
i started looking on wikipedia south pacific film to tom laughlin to sacheen littlefeather to kateri tekakwitha. i can travel comfortably.
sometime during the night my back settled down. relief. my shoulders and back ribs sore my neck feeling healing.
paid discover phone. freebie lucky's small burrito $1.25. egg sausage bacon. we'll see. 5.3 lbs yams. $2.41. my latest snack. scrub wrap in parchment and nuke.
seniors 10;26 #11 car i walked park stretched talked to gloria from computer room. she's taking care of her dad with cancer. home i ate pasta salad. ate a few onions so stomach sore. i had bland lasagna for dinner. i don't know how they made it so tasteless unless it was leftover. tasted boiled all the flavor out.
looked for and found st just letter for tomorrow or sun 1-3;30.
i can't eat. my back, legs, neck everything from lying on the bone density table. i don't know if the radiation added to my pain. dr chung office called results. wanted me tomorrow. i can barely move. i'll try monday 1 pm.
i did too much yesterday. i didn't stretch after ordeal.
i went to dentist in agony. i'm so thirsty. one step back. i'm waiting for the 2 steps forward. feeling depressed. finally hungry afraid if i eat it could set off more muscle spasms. senior fish smells foul. i'll heat chicken. added half brown rice and spinach. 2 and half hours to finish. exhausted from the pain. feeling hot and sweaty as the calories burn digest. took kava and willow taking care of symptoms.
i can fill out december menu. doing what i can.
finally 4;30 i removed back braces. 2 days of rest will help. everything still sore now my arms and tailbone. am i feeling sad because of the present or past emotions stored in tissues still hurts.
all i ever heard from my mom was why can't i be like my sisters. i finally shut her up when i replied 'if you knew half of what they're up to you wouldn't say that'. she said nothing. she either already knew or didn't want to know. dad condoned and encouraged mom. he set the tone. silent partner in crime.
since i'd heard it all my life i got my positives from outside the family. i was used to being alone. my friends were criticized and made unwelcome. since i couldn't reciprocate i stopped having friends.
parents were lucky i wasn't like my sisters. when dad got cancer i moved home and still they didn't appreciate. the sicker the parents the less we saw of the sisters. sisters only came around to use the parents. that's how they were raised.
toke is the only one to appreciate me.
i checked dollar store for leg warmers none so i got last bag chips 2 liners. picked up lunch home ate and showered for mammogram. rested 'til 1;30. 99 cent store 2 pair leg warmers 3 liners. i love comparing products. still half hour so i went dollar tree nothing. drove back way to med office. went smoothly. done by 4;30 i went to main to drop off jamie and pick up emma and green lights. home i put everything away and made chicken bean tomato dinner.
i'm afraid. i guess it's being human. maybe hardwired to instill survival caution.
i dressed and went to walmart walking the store and paying my pge bill where an old white woman comes charging up to the desk verbally assaulting the m o d complaining she couldn't find anyone to help her and demanding immediate attention. 2 people standing behind me she didn't want to wait. she continued to harass the manager asking where the other clerks were and she wanted to see the manager. i told her costs are kept down by not hiring more people. the manager stated she was the manager and the customer could stand in line and wait her turn. entitled feeling old white people. the world is changing. no one else cared.
i sat in the car still too early to go to seniors. contemplated safe way freebie cookies, nah. called ciro for mammogram. after the hours i spent on hold i was surprised i got an appointment cancellation for tomorrow. ten minutes. i've been calling since the first of the month waiting on hold for hours.
drove to seniors 10;07 #7 great reception. on benton i saw big avocado opposite side. decided to walk back for it. i was feeling restless energy from things going unusually well and the tropical storm wind electricity. i walked farther than i expected. walking briskly i worked up quite a sweat. found 2 fruit and 2 recycle cans for trunk. walked park to stretch. 10 push ups.
from the crest of the sine wave of life to the trough.
i'm mourning the loss of my sisters and feeling the family anxiety. my thoughts fly around like a cloud of butterflies landing here and there. i'm adjusting to not having anyone but god. i'm a hermit in solitude. mom did the best she could. i'm mourning that too. that she couldn't do better. that she kept dad emotionally crippled. at eight years old i was the adult. i was the scapegoat.
oh. my body. babies growing go through torture. my cells make me want to cry.
i finally opened the chobani creamer. still good. too sweet to use as cream. if i had bread i'd make bread pudding or french toast. maybe pancakes or cobbler. and the carnation creamer i got st just top is broken.
children watch movies hundreds of times. imprinting and learning. autism requires maybe thousands of viewings.
considered going to pay pge walmart. took out garbage. some from freezer. with god everything is easy and comfortable. without is hell.
arr seniors 9;47 #1. huh. walked park beautiful warm sunny. the best. stretched. no internet reception. i cut suckers front and rain spout.
roast beef sandwich ok. reminded me folks asked what we wanted when they went gambling entire weekends. i always asked for harvey's casino r b with dill pickle. alien and nit wanted more jewelry. mom and dad always bought me cheap junk. my sisters got the expensive so when mom died they took it all and gave me what they didn't want couldn't sell. 1989 i moved home to take care of dad with prostate cancer. for my birthday they gave me cheap glass bracelet and my sisters got sterling silver aquamarines. my birthstone my birthday. sisters got expensive presents on my birthday.
alien had all night parties those weekends sending me and nit to stay with friends until i got old enough 13 to help set up and clean up. alien rented out the bedrooms to her 'guests'. that's how i ended up being pimped out to r shimizu. guys she wouldn't date but wanted to use. alien used me to take the parents off her back onto mine.
i added dill pickles i mixed with green olives tastes like olives less salty. tiny salad, pear, juice, milk.
2;30 i decided to go to arques to check it out. sun is cleaner. i forgot shower shoes again. i stretched half hour. new equipment. great hanging bars.
i decided to cook the salad vegs from lunch. steamed with zucchini and chicken. changed my mind added 4 eggs and swiss cheese. the amino makes it so yummy i ate practically the whole thing. ooh, i just remembered cornbread for dessert.
must be rebuilding. i added to ramen with lettuce and squash. slept an hour like a baby. i usually feel sleepy but i was out like a light.
it's hard redoing my childhood. i still have chores to do. i've been doing them my entire life.
i must have been tired from cooking yesterday. i left the garage light on all night.
my body feels calm relaxed comfortable. that's unusual.
memories, all learned behavior is chemically imprinted on neurons. conscious and unconscious memories are chemicals. addicts have unconscious chemical memories. reprogramming behavior is physically uncomfortable because of the chemical changes. exercise helps because it moves the chemicals through the body faster.
thinking of amy/kyochan. i've wanted to go 99 cent only. she sent me a phone card from the store in l.a. so i could call her in glendale after mom died. alien was threatening to sue her for a decades old gift mom gave her for down payment on her house like mom did with her daughters $10 k. mom told me. i was the only one to pay her back. and mom was her aunt but more in age like an older sister. alien as executor didn't have the authority to sue her. amy offered to come up and take care of me but i was bed ridden and mostly sleeping. i would have felt too guilty disrupting her life. she had charles, john, catherine and grandkids.
3 hours of clearing. i started adding lime juice and brag amino to water. i'm so thirsty i can feel it go directly to my lower back.
it feels so late but it's only noon. i finally decided to tackle the st just chicken from tue 10th. i expected little drumsticks like before but it's 4 giant thigh quarters. i separated the drumsticks to fit 2 in the pan. i've never seen such monster chickens. turkey sized.
the thighs were still attached to the back. very delicious. i cooked the other 2 and didn't check the temp so i have to extend time and turn up to 350. i like it very well done. oh, well i must be tired. i can't tell.
i wore back brace. i toasted lemon danish with chocolate hazel nut.
my body still clearing old emotions stored stuck in my cells. nora monaco 1985 advised it would release in waves to avoid volcanic eruptions. so unpleasant. seemingly never ending. no channel 2 reception supposed to rain.
went to lucky's picked up freebie k cup and $1.99 cornbread. checked out walgreen's picture copy. 8 1/2 by 11. do i want more copies?
seniors 10;10 #9 lunch was ok. asian noodle salad good. i looked for bottles of toasted black sesame seeds gone those thieving sisters. oh, well. fiercely cold. so i'm staying bundled up. hasn't rained yet. but channel 2 is back.
gum and folic acid arrived. so i'm covered this and next month. whew!! super b is not as effective as folic and glucosamine is better than co-q 10.
dr weihle postponed to next thursday. i went to sprouts priced passionflower. checked target forgot leg warmers. i want to check walmart and pay pge. i looked through shoes boots in garage.
toxins are pouring out of my cells. nora monaco 1985 told me i carried the family guilt on my chest and i've been carrying the hatred, agony and directed antagonism in my cells too. i shiver as it leaves my body. i've been stretching since 4 am trying to get comfortable. i feel differently. i feel lighter and wonder if the world's obesity is an unconscious attempt to balance stored projected negativity. it's like wearing a horrible coat. without a mirror it can't be seen. without an image it can't be perceived. ruth, joel, janet confronted me about 'my' perceived anger. ruth asked for my opinion and because their perception had nothing to do with me i could only wonder that they discussed it among themselves before confronting me. i was curious without any other emotion.
i feel surprisingly well considering all i accomplished yesterday. i thought i'd be exhausted having run around so much. i'm still popping and crackling whenever i shift position.
1 pm. somehow i lost 2 hours. the clock battery and lack of hunger. usually i'm ready for lunch 11-11;30. today i'm not hungry. i'm cooking veg for when i am. i have roast slices. i nuked 2 yams washed wrapped in parchment. 3 min turn 2 more. i washed the sliced mushrooms in the big spinner. i had to wash the moth bodies out first. who knew. i drained it flipping and turning for hours then nuked it in garage 20 minutes 30% stir 20-30% 20-30% stir. 3;30 i called 24 hour for wait time no customers. i showered washed hair in the warm. no chairs. i hung from bars stretched back and legs. walked safe way then went $tore looking for leg warmers. bought 2 m wash, fish oil, 50 cent 2 laundry bags. gave busker $2. home i assed mushrooms to ramen and pork slices. tried to watch cma awards too boring.
miracle. i've been wondering where i put them wanting to use them as arm warmers. tom cut off sock tops to use while practicing guitar keeping his arms warm. this morning after practicing peggy cappy breathing exercises without thinking i went directly to the suitcase and compartment i put them in.
i never thought breathing was important. not breathing is.
oh, my left hip is screaming. i went $tore 3 chips, 2 m wash, alien spider skeleton. then seniors 10;33 #13 i walked and stretched briskly. i stamped auntie's card and mailed it. i returned wonder boy to main and stopped at st just to say hi to john. 3 grocery bags full. lemon danish, fruit, canned goods, zucchinis, carrots, yams, radishes, celery, apples, kaki, egg nog, chicken, spaghetti, sauce, rice, mushrooms. took me 3 trips to the car and 3 hours to put it away. the mushrooms were sliced unwashed. who does that, everything jumbled in 3 bags. i sorted and separated.
drove to cup library picked up emma, wonder boy lp. dropped off kingdom and mary. alcohol spray washed hulk and bear. ate b b q sandwich heather thought was good. eh. felt good and remembered to fill gas tank. tanker there. half the time it's there fill up day.
cooked some mushrooms added ramen noodles pork onions lettuce. great dinner. chex mix dessert.
pch ordered grill pan i spent yesterday and this morning trying to cancel. finally elias cancelled it. 4 calls, on hold half hour and cut off. terrible phone tree.
i waited taking out bins. i let car warm up. seniors 10;23 #8. i walked park stretched. thought about freebie frosting. i went college clearance 50 cents and swiss cheese, free one pot pasta. felt pretty good went homestead found powdered chocolate frosting add butter. i can use chocolate powder. lettuce no eggs.
since i was across the street i went main. pick up in lobby. 3 musicals and cookbook. i thought peanut butter was good on oatmeal cookies, hazelnut better. i was reading jamie's comfort food peanut butter brownies. fresh fruit on top. i can add dried.
then i remembered to pay citibank saratoga. halford reopened 10/26. i don't know why atm won't accept payments on costco.
and home.
auntie sent letter and $100 for thanksgiving birthday from her and uncle dickie. what a happy surprise! it was in e mail previews but i didn't count on it having been disappointed before. so i started planning where to buy. boston market has dinners, panera soups sandwiches. denny's?
remarkable. reception as guest cup library. i went to senior lunch line 10;23 #13 after $tore chips m wash alien spider. very brisk 10 min walked park stretched. stamped auntie's card. mailed on way to return wonder boy. stopped by st just john got veg eggs chicken etc. to library shade sorted grocery bags. spray washed alcohol bear and hulk. update failed. oh, well.
earth stewards brought down the berlin wall. they organized a civilian informal family exchange program with russian families. the only enemy fear and ignorance not people.
i finally found the jvc cd player tom gave me 20 years ago. i tried the ac adapter in the sony disc man. same exact voltage. hurrah!!
i'm doing something right. i dressed at my leisure going to lucky's at 11;30 already tired. couldn't decide safe way, burger king, $tore, citibank. waited 'til after lucky's. found very lean pork roast 1.49 lbs $7.14 $5 off, got my freebie pineapple coconut + recycle deposit. took my time considering check out or self check decided self. the self check i picked had a breyer's coupon $2 off next visit. i tried it and $.19 balance. 19 cents.
went across street to pay citibank. atm still doesn't work. i called customer service jay filing report. i thought about another branch but tired.
got home 12;45 started prepping roast garlic, onions, celery, washed potatoes. put in micro with parchment paper. stays moister. time to add potatoes.
biden-harris has the votes but trump is still threatening. trump knew about covid and did nothing and talked the danger down to instill more fear in people. like hitler trump knew fear filled people are easier to manipulate.
talking heads on tv haven't touched on trump's racist army. they're the ones with guns and a lot of them are in law enforcement. black lives matter, all lives matter are obvious to any/every reasonable person. not trump. only white lives matter to trump. only rich white lives.
i heated potatoes added 2 eggs and cream cheese. delicious. i finally cooked krusteaz box lemon squares with last 3 eggs. i had it $2 clearance at least a year. too sweet. now i know how.
i made ramen with jerky for dinner. so good. i thought of going to lucky's for freebie sparkling ice and paying citibank but feeling tired i read through auntie's letters her birthday 9th, uncle's 4th. uncle died 4/17, eric 6/17. i'll make copies of mom dad pictures to send.
biden-harris won!! they announced their acceptance most beautifully. i watched avidly. i've never enjoyed politics more.
while watching jamie everything disappeared, all my settings. took me 45 minutes to get them back. i did it.
all my relationships have been sharing my light with disbelievers. pearls before swine.
my purpose is to shine. i finally know my purpose.
when i was 16 and my fellow students were deciding on careers carolyn marine biologist etc, all i could determine was wise.
i finally realized hanging my covid mask by the elastic is stretching one side. i have to hang it from the body of the mask.
also i release the trunk latch for lunch pick up only when the engine running or i drain battery from trunk light. one time in old car it sat overnight, dead battery next morning.
showered. contemplated 24 arques stayed home. senior lunch line 10;23 #12 car a new record. walked park disposed garbage. i've decided to leave senior garbage at seniors. did my stretching 12 minutes still upset my tummy.
with the bushes i worried and we survived. i had my passport ready. (auto saved)
watching mary reilly i'm exorcising my demons. mom, alien, nit. dead to me. alien was always laughing saying didn't i remember her burning me with matches sticking me with pins when i was a baby. no i only remember mom putting incense on my hand, lighting it. if i moved when it burned me we started over. or mom hitting me and screaming when we were watching tv, mom thought it so funny to scare me. like the child abuse in the film. historically accurate.
never before in my life. i'm feeling things i've never felt before.
trump is systematically terrorizing the usa. covid and racism are tools for him to use to distract people from how he's manipulating the stock market. he's been using intimidation his entire life and is very expert at bullying.
the time and date stamp says published but it isn't until the publish icon turns into update.
i let go yesterday and handled everything. tygj. then the little cloud appears. with a strike through means i need to update. why a cloud?
i prefer this time daylight saving time. enough light to maneuver.
walked sprouts clearance priced glucosamine $25. went to target asked ac cord none glucosamine $18. i'm worth it and discover 5% reward no hassle.
54 o seniors line 10;08 #7 car i walked and stretched. fat perv is using my routine. wore tennis shoes walked circumference of center. shepherds purse sprayed with weed killer oh. well. stretched on bars.
i brought in secret cd instead of moving it back and forth. i just have to remember to put it back in car. good old justin fixed renewals on chrome this is 3.
oh my shoulders and pelvis. must be the constant communication. the messaging burns calories. ouchy.
i'm doing what i can. bought 4 chips $tore. proceeded to seniors. i took cd and dvd from county in case i felt like picking up my 2 holds. sitting in senior lunch line i remembered i needed to do banking. oops. i had filled out ballot night before and wrote check for life insurance. dropped off at kiely mission post office on to chase only one atm through road repair. drove direct to star one deposit urmila teller. perfect, early enough easy route. still had an hour for library to open so checked out safe way 2 bottles bragg amino acids $2.49 ea clearance. ate half turkey pot pie biscuit best part. it's sad when the best part is the biscuit.
reasonable clerk checked in and checked out secret cd. i returned ayahuasca dvd. i self checked 2 movies on new equipment. everything new today. i felt so optimistic i went $v 2 bottles h 202, oven pan, blond floor mat for kitchen. i want to try the light weight mats in the car.
got home 2 pm felt more like 4-5 i accomplished so much.
i feel ok. yesterday talking was too exciting. no wonder i never talked at home besides the constant humiliation.
i feel sorry that my sisters treat me so badly for their sake. they're treating their dna the way they will treat themselves. i know alien abuses her kids. nit probably does too. i know nit's boys were terrified of vampires. when they were in grade school they asked for crucifixes for christmas because of vampires despite the fact they lived in the garlic capitol of the world. nit was the vampire.
i know i'm thinking and feeling accurately when i get the shivers. reprogramming the house is working. last night i harvested 6 allergy leaves so easily. someone has been walking around the backyard. the weeds are tramped down. the ivy and privet are taking over, the allergy is doing ok. kind of amazing it's growing in spots it never did before 30 years.
i want to share allergy plant. herbal lore.
i have safe way $5 , egg bites and at lucky's teddy's ginger ale or root beer. i'm feeling so calm and quiet i don't want to move or maybe moderate air quality lack of oxygen.
9;55 i'm suddenly motivated. dressed and out the door to lucky's i got the last root beer and clearance pork. supposed to get delivery later today but who knows. drove back way iris to wolf to maria safe way. i walked all over store looking for 3 bridges egg bites meat dept, egg section, finally in deli section. decided on 2 seafood green salads. checked clearance nothing. $2.98. good day.
came home to find bag of oatmeal raisin cookies from toke. she left last eve i didn't notice hyper focused on store mission. i called to thank her talked half hour. then noon cathy called thanks for perfect cat socks and her only halloween card. so i know auntie got her goofy face socks. she had a stroke last week tests this week. she had mini stroke before in beauty char she was out 15 seconds. this time she slept and went doctor next day. she gets results next week she said she'd call i'll see.
i've been the monster everyone used because they don't have to respect a monster. people create by labeling monsters to dehumanize the used. call them slaves, servants, different, odd, crazy, stupid. no guilt because they're not considered equals. eva makes the sun come out as annie singing 'tomorrow' like the song. scamper learns to respect brain/brian. jaclyn/heidi jekyll/ hyde reverts to her hunchback reality. igor realizes it's better to be a good nobody than an evil somebody.
4 pm i still haven't put away weekend sandwiches. i stuck the bag in the cold store room.
i went dentist 10 dr weihle very fast. i explained my back and neck and she took half hour to cement #13 tooth and prep #15. i paid $350 half cost. second half in two weeks.
it disappeared. i thought i had it figured out.
i spent the day taking care. i went $tore for chips, mouthwash, clearance water. no h202. i want need glucosamine too.
lunch was weird cottage pie, roll, broccoli. hamburger was mexican with mash.
i'm stressing about meeting dentist, daniell weihle tomorrow. my aspergers dread of change. even good change is stress.
it's back.
this house is empty of happiness. i'm clearing the energy, neutralizing the depression. that's what i've done everywhere i've lived.
i woke at 5 so uncomfortable i stretched, wiggled, wriggled on my stomach for half an hour to get up. i had flashbacks of first house haunted by previous tenants depression and violence. left over energy dictated our behavior. makes me nauseous thinking about it. i'll think of something else.
scary.
earth should have been named denial. deniers are the most materially successful unhampered by reality allowed to create from imagination.
jiggling the cursor triggers saving post.
i wish i wish i wish for world peace so i will live in peace all around me.
i wore my white ethnic dress. it still fits. eh, labor day.
i arrived senior lunch drive up 9;36 #2 car after chips, clearance water and mouthwash $tore run. no h202. can't use rubbing alcohol with the oil. went main dropped off mae west, good place, islands of wonder, and burnt orange heresy, picked up wonder boy fannie flagg. hurrah!!
ate weird cottage pie. mexican ground beef topped with mash.
relaxed all day. still haven't found broken cd player. don't know what i did with it.
made rice noodle mushroom packet added chicken i cooked slivered almonds green olives. so good.
lying in bed eating my veg cream cheese omelet burrito i'm basking in the literal warmth of my safe nest after waking from my dreams of being loved. about to leave for work he pops his head in door to apologize for disagreement saying his fault when i'd already let it go. i give him warm hug.
when i asked momma to read my future she said i would get my own answers and i'd always be warm.
i want love that reflects warmth safety acceptance peace calm commitment caring compassion support, everything i lacked growing up.
my family kept me out in the cold. they excluded objectified me. i never saw it until tom. his family did the same to him to ridicule and objectify him to make them feel better about themselves. they don't know they're doing it. it's just what animal nature does in the pecking order world. inequality in animals.
equality is man's greatest discovery. everyone deserves happiness. i want love and happiness.
i woke 4 something stayed in warm comfy bed as long as i could 5. turned on player watched 'good place' end. better than i anticipated. my philosophy of life and death. and the idea of love after death for eternity is very sweet. so many adjectives relate to food. life is sweet, sour, bitter. didn't get up 'til 9. 9. i haven't stayed in bed that late without being sick ever.
as i get to know myself better i'm enjoying me more. i'm terrific. breakfast was crunchy honey oats and homemade yogurt because i wanted it.
i spent the last two days looking for schadenfreude opposite and couldn't figure how to navigate new set up so i read through the long directions and finally found it. so much stuff.
i got up, removed non loading dvd player, replaced bedroom with living room player. maybe vhs in living room who knows. i don't. it was effortless and relaxing.
i'm considering getting av cord at batteries plus and looking in rite-aid for dvd player where i got last one. or goodwill. or target. so many options.
i checked 24 hour gym status. open by appointment 5 am-9;30 pm. no spa. oh, well.
this program is inconsistent. sometimes it automatically saves sometimes not. and so many pop ups.
my middle back is hurting. the way it travels. and now my butt. i'm vibrating. my atoms.
it's so lovely cool 63 o. 9;57 #4 car senior lunch line. very sunny bright crisp winter day. time to walk. brisk 20 minutes in fresh air.
rinsed red pepper sauce off fish. ate with greens brown rice. watched f troop. i love all this time to myself.
i just thought of thomas malthus' predictions regarding population and war, famine, and plague. 1798. explains covid. if they hadn't cut down the forests displacing bats carrying covid, forcing them into populated areas there'd be no pandemic. spread by people flying all over the world.
i have a community. a loving family. i've needed the quiet to experience my being. doing is a distraction from being. sleep is a doorway to the other side.
happiness is unobstructed being. i'm just doing the best i know how, the best i can.
i looked up glendale and palm springs, cousin amy lived in and loved. i was watching cesar 911. he went to valley village, ca north east of l a i checked map quest. i miss her. after mom died she'd call to check on me. she was like mom's little sister. alien was so mean to her too.
my body has been hurting vibrating, sending out waves of love. my shoulders back feel like i'm sprouting wings. i feel like i'm jumping out of my skin.
i ate a toasted senior sandwich for breakfast, cleaned some celery and 2 eggs for lunch. pealed an apple. pain is ebbing. change the body chemistry change the energy.
woke at 4;30 reliving my birth. horrible. babies' crying helps breathing. i hurt inside and out. i'm cold and hungry.
mom made a point telling me over and over what a disappointment i was not being frank jr and how auntie nancy had to name me. how i was a blue baby lacking oxygen made her milk dry up. my fault. everything was always my fault. i wish she'd given me up to be adopted by auntie k like the family wanted. in every way i might have been better off. but mom and dad needed a scapegoat sacrificial lamb.
a miracle i survived the alcoholic suicide legacy my mom and dad pushed on me. blaming me like always. dad tried to blame me for his cancer. mom blamed me for her unhappiness.
listening to cd is dissolving the entrenched calcified programming.
i'm fluctuating between sad and mad. just like little kids. muscle release or chemicals.
mathew maconaughy book 'green lights' reminding me of the first day i met momma. all green lights on the expressway from santa clara to san jose cambrian.
10;02 seniors #8 63 o. and i don't know. i brought the extra groceries to the park. someone can use them. i'm just trying to follow spirit. when it's right it's effortless. like yesterday the free disc man.
wearing one brace is disconcerting after being used to 2. temple grandin designed and constructed a hugging device for calm and security. maybe straight jackets reassure everything's gonna be ok.
we need more healing hugs. i visualize the planet being hugged. idea; pillows of the planet and classes of hugging to brainstorm healing the damage man's done.
kit called dr. alex left. my appointment dr. weilhe wanted to change. no thanks.
i used to be obsessive. i've never been loved. my relationships have all been the same one. i've been used.
ouch i touched my right temple. the truth hurts and heals. hurts down my right jaw.
i spent the night tossing turning. my prayers are with my niece and nephews. their mothers had children to protect themselves from loneliness. trying to keep their husbands from leaving. they've abused the children to ensure their captivity. i couldn't do that. i couldn't in good conscience raise more damaged human beings. i couldn't add to the pain of the planet.
going to senior lunch line gives me purpose. i walked around the park. i stretched. checking the library i picked up movies. i walked around the corner to neighborhood freebie and found a sony disc man works 2 batteries. has ac outlet hurrah! i have to find other cord or buy another $20. might be better to buy since i know nothing electric.
i stopped at st j since they've been closed chris gave me 3 huge bags eggs, celery, squash, potatoes, bread, rice, creamer, coffee cake, yogurt raisins, tuna, frozen chicken, edamame, kiwi, cucumbers.
i don't know what i'm feeling. maybe pge due. remembered finally 2 days. all caught up bills. i don't want to do anything. like dad. he never had nicotine replacement. maybe part of his self torture. i'm so tired of feeling like this. my self torture? i stop.
said hi to one arm rodney lives 3 houses down. he must have taken care of his mom said she passed 10 years, he's lived there as long as me here.
lots of road repairs i detoured affirming arriving perfect time and i did. customer leaving service counter as i walked up. found box cold cereal $1.
9;58 park empty. around it no one in it. walked park stretched. feeling so depressed. definitely. fell asleep after eating. depression sleep exhausting. tailbone throbbing. i'm feeling guilty for feeling depressed. 1985 nora monaco told me i carried the family guilt for them. i'm feeling guilty for not making doc appointments and cooking burgers.
i cooked 2 burgers in oven. so good i cooked 2 more. delicious. i added ginger to my season blend. i feel calmer. i opened bach rescue pastilles. and nicotine helps. i wonder why dad didn't take supplements.
to manage any website requires thinking like the author. i finally figured out publish once, update ad infinitum. to republish use back big b arrow. so many arrows icons things to click on. as long as saved it remains.
taking my time in the morning feels wrong. or new. i wasn't hungry so i toasted a sandwich i can eat for snack or dinner. i cleaned lettuce. i used to prep everything as soon as i got it home. i don't know why or when i stopped. tortillas, cookies, bread keep in a dark cool place not the fridge. the middle room is perfect for storage. the back room is perfect for sewing work room.
i mailed my request for ballot and bought christmas stamps. 55 cents. i squeezed 4 oranges. i have it set up beautifully to do by hand. when i wait for them to ripen non acidic juice. i checked my finished voting booklet and relaxed watching madagascar islands of wonder dvd.
last night i dreamed sitting in bubble bath with hub talking over day. night before 4 men in love with me which do i love.
i decided after debating a couple hours searching the safe way website 6;30 i went to 785 and got my freebie. i had to change store location for annie's shells white cheddar the flavor i wanted and couldn't find to load. i got my flour tortillas. they don't get moldy in the middle storage room.
12;36 pm i've been to senior lunch line, walked park, harvested shepherd's purse, drop/pick up main saw justin, toke avocado cantaloupe, home for forgotten wet towels and here. i'm not hungry yet. i ate rice beans pork for breakfast. still feel full. and i can blog without internet. county internet notification.
tygj i'm counting my blessings. 9;30 am $tore i got halloween cards for auntie and cat. and 3 chips. since the men took over store is dirty and they stand around while long lines form. oh, well. i guess they don't like work.
my back is very unstable. i'm having to sleep very consciously to alleviate back pain.
so much tv news rhetoric playing over and over adding to my internal pressure. or maybe highlighting what lies within. i'm exhausted. no relief from the political pressure.
dad loved to argue politics. when i was 21 i registered and voted i learned he'd never voted because he was dodging jury duty. i refused to discuss politics with him after that.
i wore my back brace and nuked the pork ribs smothered in onions. for breakfast i toasted a senior sandwich added pickled onions and lettuce delicious. lunch was chips and blueberry cobbler nuked in brownie and pasta cookers. dinner rice beans ribs. food heaven.
there's that 2 again. terrible 2's a child realizes existence. being alive. i felt trapped. without the internet connection i felt trapped and alone like a child again.
i planned going to mountain view community rengstorff central if it got too hot. so far 85 o. i don't know what i want to do. i thought of pick up drop off libraries but i can go next week.
i have senior sandwiches, free omelet, tortillas, lettuce. i found packs of dried rice and noodles in back drawers. i organized spices.
i heated rice and beans while prepping tortillas with swiss cream cheese, shredded lettuce. so delicious. except for the rock from the manischewitz 4 beans. wasn't presorted. no wonder on clearance not convenient. i can make my own 4 bean mix. the combination of flavors doesn't need seasoning.
i've been having flashbacks from 2. terrifying to a two year old. everything is 2. nightmares cringing crying i feel terrible horrible. i'm screaming inside. my body aches. i don't know if i was beaten or i watched a beating. the same effect on the spirit. i feel like something terrible is about to happen. doom doom doom. dread filled.
i don't want to do anything. keep still, the monsters go away. shh.... my stomach is churning. i'm afraid to exist. my back is throbbing.
my toddler hell colored my entire life so far. "this far and no farther."
i looked for friday freebies early and bought pork and picked up lucky's free '3 bridges' omelet before 9 am. i anticipated they'd be gone soon. i picked up senior lunch and weekend sandwiches. 1 pm i had one tooth crowned not 2. neck and back immobilized too long. weird my temple and left scapula sharp pains. tooth 13 hurt after. perfect getting to cooling 2;15 i still had to move barrier not pinching my finger. why they can't do it i don't know. 4 bottles water. 6 pm 88 o starting to cool.
my free $5 safe way sushi and bottle water from college safe way. yum.. fried onion cal roll and inari, 1 burrito, pbj tortilla for dessert. i considered what i wanted over being sensible.
arrived cooling station 2;30. 2-8 pm.
i picked up yucky pasta lunch, ate it nothing on tv i lay down with relaxation yoga fell asleep 'til 2. i had to move parking lot barricade not pinching my finger. like 2 weeks ago. stayed 'til 6;30.
my faithful friend. my non judgmental confidante. i miss the rush, the dizzy neutral pain free feeling.
igor is on tv. reassuring. part of my reprogramming. eva sings the sun'll come out tomorrow and it does. jaclyn and heidi = jekyll and hyde. 'everyone has an evil bone but we don't have to use it.' 'we don't have to be evil to succeed.'
peggy cappy relaxation yoga is amazing. i need more relaxation. and now i know why i bought so many blankets besides they were so cheap. i can fold them for bolsters. i'm using some already folded in pillow cases for firm support.
i dug out a karaoke machine for the living room to listen to secret cd. after the lifetime of negativity it's going to take a lot to reprogram.
i finally cooked the package of bean soup and i have the brown rice and can dice tomatoes.
i'm hanging on. i went and picked up lunch and walked the park. i decided not to go safe way. i'm feeling tired from stretches i did 'how to sing' is holistic. head neck, breathing, posture exercises. wow.
as i continue to stretch muscles the stored childhood traumas are released. post traumatic stress is stored as a survival device. during the emergency attention must be placed on the crisis. body reactions are stored and ignored. when it's safe the muscles release the chemicals. body memory like not having to think of walking, driving, brushing teeth. my entire childhood was a series of violent scenes that i survived by being invisible and silent. attention=target.
happier outcomes. does my spirit good to know a better world is shared. the original became darker and darker over time. looks like this one too.
being bored by the darkness which i can get anytime everywhere i decided to check halford for freebie and water. in car i remembered to fill up gas. no water plenty of freebie. bought chicken breast no card went to saratoga 3 waters used $4 rewards and back to halford for freebie. home i felt hungry heated ate 2 servings kababs $5.69 reg price. 2 cookies dessert. drank oxygen right down.
this format is not nearly as good. just another example of ego needing something to do. pointless doing.
i went to citibank due today. 1 pm halford closed and 2 atms out. i called the out of service number and went round and round the computer. i hung up and drove to saratoga paid bill and stopped at lucky's, has water, no freebie. i bought lettuce. i came home loaded expiring rewards points and tomorrow i can check lawrence for water and freebie. i can always go back.
i have tomorrow and monday. hurrah!!
this format is too open. strange icons. today must be some kind of new beginning.
'family affair' is showing it's pilot on cozi-tv. 9/12/1966 first broadcast. back in time machine.
the pale orange tab color looks weak. i need a break.
9;47 car #4 senior lunch line walk in park squirrel avocados. they added one box of cheerios for monday holiday. the juice box was crushed and leaked.
