9;44 #4 car. i haven't brought chrome in a long time. nothing to say. hiding in my misery running from the pain that's within me. reading 'standing in the rainbow'. even tho' it's 68 o it must be humid. good for tropical plants not me. maybe if i'd grown up in hi i'd be different. it would explain yesterday my 96 o temperature.
nothing needs doing. with all the family emergencies and trauma drama i value the peace and quiet. i guess most people can't understand my thirst for peace. they seek out drama and trauma programming their lives to find disaster. they are entertained. they don't entertain themselves. we all have an auto pilot. some call it god and question the results they create. ex and alien cried complaining they didn't intend to hurt me but kept doing it. i guess they thought i'd keep bouncing back. i can't. we live in a limited universe and i reached beyond my limit.
i haven't received a reply from fannie and don't expect to and it's ok. life hasn't been easy for her either. she has the gift to create in her imagination a better world. i've always been in survival mode little time to imagine a better world but that's what it takes. if one soldier says today i will not fight.
Tuesday, September 22, 2020
Monday, September 21, 2020
3;30
memories of mom grabbing me by one arm and hitting me 'til i stopped crying. how i learned to disassociate. one reason we moved. that's why auntie k wanted to adopt me so mom wouldn't kill me. it's starting to make more and more sense. alien torturing me satisfied mom and alien avoided beatings. that's where my sisters learned to mistreat me, from mom.
my back and stomach screaming. i'm waiting for herbs to kick in. nicotine gum helps. stretching minimal help. my back neck, right hip, left tailbone. hurting so bad i'm nauseated. hope i don't throw up. sipping grapefruit.
i'm using yoga ball for a back pillow. so much popping and crackling.
i dragged myself to dentist for deep cleaning dr alex wonderful did it. carefully explained procedure. numbed me. only 20 minutes. irrigated with antiseptic. had to wait half hour to rinse. picked up lunch 10;18 #5 car. chili relleno casserole easy to eat. squash and onions. i like it.
i noticed my shoulders hunched and anxious lay down before i fell down. i slept 2 hours to 'swift' dvd. about a bird raised by seagulls. creates his own flock when both flocks are prejudiced.
my back and stomach screaming. i'm waiting for herbs to kick in. nicotine gum helps. stretching minimal help. my back neck, right hip, left tailbone. hurting so bad i'm nauseated. hope i don't throw up. sipping grapefruit.
i'm using yoga ball for a back pillow. so much popping and crackling.
i dragged myself to dentist for deep cleaning dr alex wonderful did it. carefully explained procedure. numbed me. only 20 minutes. irrigated with antiseptic. had to wait half hour to rinse. picked up lunch 10;18 #5 car. chili relleno casserole easy to eat. squash and onions. i like it.
i noticed my shoulders hunched and anxious lay down before i fell down. i slept 2 hours to 'swift' dvd. about a bird raised by seagulls. creates his own flock when both flocks are prejudiced.
Sunday, September 20, 2020
tortured
my feelings are scattered. i'm feeling everything. anger is illogical but feelings are just chemical compounds. i could eat something, drink something, take some herbs. change my chemistry. exercise.
i want to buy 04 double points at lucky's but i don't want to move. n p angelyne knew about 04 from steph curry promoting website.
i dragged myself to store, picked up 4 waters all they had, free chobani coffee creamer last one, fresh turkey drumstick $2. i asked if water on reorder. no telling. looked oxigen site online says available bev mo and cvs at moorpark. way more expensive than $1.59. i originally got it friday freebie. oh, well.
i'm feeling fear my sisters may kill me. i think i was paranoid except they were instrumental in mom and dad's deaths manipulating and maneuvering. mom threatened to kill me so many times growing up and they are their mother's daughters. maybe they were too programmed. both of them confessed they felt they killed dad. at the time i denied it but now.....
i want to buy 04 double points at lucky's but i don't want to move. n p angelyne knew about 04 from steph curry promoting website.
i dragged myself to store, picked up 4 waters all they had, free chobani coffee creamer last one, fresh turkey drumstick $2. i asked if water on reorder. no telling. looked oxigen site online says available bev mo and cvs at moorpark. way more expensive than $1.59. i originally got it friday freebie. oh, well.
i'm feeling fear my sisters may kill me. i think i was paranoid except they were instrumental in mom and dad's deaths manipulating and maneuvering. mom threatened to kill me so many times growing up and they are their mother's daughters. maybe they were too programmed. both of them confessed they felt they killed dad. at the time i denied it but now.....
Saturday, September 19, 2020
back and stomach hurting waah
my back feels compressed. and i don't have the energy. i woke at 2. i watched dale evans dvd. now split second is taking my focus off how i feel. i forgot spare the air started midnight. i'm coughing and tired. lasts 'til midnight tonight. i can't breathe like the night i dreamed i was drowning.
denial's how i managed to take care of my parents. i ignored my body. i distracted myself by focusing on them.
my dreams are full of loving people. and i'm whole, healthy and strong. i'm happy in my dreams surrounded by love.
2 pm i'm finally warm enough to remove my robe. i may be reacting to my flu shot.
denial's how i managed to take care of my parents. i ignored my body. i distracted myself by focusing on them.
my dreams are full of loving people. and i'm whole, healthy and strong. i'm happy in my dreams surrounded by love.
2 pm i'm finally warm enough to remove my robe. i may be reacting to my flu shot.
Friday, September 18, 2020
sybil
i was afraid i was crazy like mom always said i was. maybe mom was crazy. projection. watching 'sybil' again it never occurred to me before. i'll have to sit with it awhile. i think this is the first time i understood it. i've watched it many times without knowing why. mom was cruel and crazy. she burned me, hit me 'i'll give you something to cry about', called me cold when i became afraid to cry, pinched, slapped me and encouraged my sisters to torture me too. i can admit it now they're all dead and can't hurt me anymore. except in my mind.
tv commercials keep me from getting too engrossed. i can do other things. bills paid. games played. distance myself from my pain.
care more yearly physical went great. i arrived 10 minutes early. got my flu shot. standard tests ok. still 5' 6". whew i was afraid i compressed my back. i'm losing muscle mass. i had already noticed this month. nurse practitioner angelyne suggested i use some weights. turning 70 soon the stages of living. done by 9;09 too early for seniors i went to walmart to pay pge. found grapefruit drink packets. i wanted more grapefruit for my nausea. tried it delicious. $3 for 10. sorted drink mixes.
seniors 9;56 #4 i think there are fewer cars. picked up weekend sandwiches. lunch heavy on soy sauce i added squash i cooked last night with my corn chili beans. delicious.
tv commercials keep me from getting too engrossed. i can do other things. bills paid. games played. distance myself from my pain.
care more yearly physical went great. i arrived 10 minutes early. got my flu shot. standard tests ok. still 5' 6". whew i was afraid i compressed my back. i'm losing muscle mass. i had already noticed this month. nurse practitioner angelyne suggested i use some weights. turning 70 soon the stages of living. done by 9;09 too early for seniors i went to walmart to pay pge. found grapefruit drink packets. i wanted more grapefruit for my nausea. tried it delicious. $3 for 10. sorted drink mixes.
seniors 9;56 #4 i think there are fewer cars. picked up weekend sandwiches. lunch heavy on soy sauce i added squash i cooked last night with my corn chili beans. delicious.
Thursday, September 17, 2020
test run
i'm checking alarm clock. i haven't needed one in years. tomorrow 8 am appointment i can pay pge at walmart before or after physical. after probably better. i have to leave 7;30 latest.
after 9;41 #2 lunch pick up i went to main pick up requests stood in long line 40 minutes. feel ok. hot and sweaty standing in partial sun. 4 dvds 1 book. white old lady in front of me bitching over having to wait for free materials after 30 days of smoke finally able to breathe and she uses it bitching.
i came home. i don't have to use my energy for john or toke. i can harvest plant. a new concept of putting me first. i keep forgetting and remembering. new behaviors are like this.
i think i know my passion. natural healing health. i don't know 'til i test it. i think i finally drank my last kombucha. i kept buying it clearance by mistake. different brands interesting flavors unclear labels. i don't like it but i guess i need it. drank it for years when paula nunes(cupertino metaphysical book store owner) gave me a mushroom.
i met and found her bookstore one day shopping. while driving lawrence expressway i heard 3 sharp knocks on the back window and said ok what's the message. i drove to wolfe homestead shopping center into the back parking lot where i'd never been and didn't know there were any stores. i entered the book store and looked around introducing myself to paula, admitting i had no idea why i was there and she invited me to sit. i browsed. half hour later liz morse walked in. she made and sold cards on consignment there. i had just quit working palo alto community church and was selling mary kay. she had $125 for her birthday and wanted skin care. i showed her products at her home in mountain view and lacked one item. i delivered her missing product meeting her at san jose recovery book store on camden av with which i was already familiar. she was meeting her women's group and i met momma delorise lucas for the first time. i drove san tomas expressway every traffic signal green and looked at the posters wondering who she was and what her credentials were and how she came there. when her group showed up i already knew most of them from different church groups. momma proceeded to answer every question i had thought. she finished saying she had no idea why she shared all that with us. i raised my hand admitting my questioning her provenance. TOTALLY FREAKED ME OUT. when she had walked into the room i could feel waves of love coming from her. she could see my entire life and loved me. they invited me to lunch with them but i ran home 10 am, changed into my pajamas and stayed in bed.
after 9;41 #2 lunch pick up i went to main pick up requests stood in long line 40 minutes. feel ok. hot and sweaty standing in partial sun. 4 dvds 1 book. white old lady in front of me bitching over having to wait for free materials after 30 days of smoke finally able to breathe and she uses it bitching.
i came home. i don't have to use my energy for john or toke. i can harvest plant. a new concept of putting me first. i keep forgetting and remembering. new behaviors are like this.
i think i know my passion. natural healing health. i don't know 'til i test it. i think i finally drank my last kombucha. i kept buying it clearance by mistake. different brands interesting flavors unclear labels. i don't like it but i guess i need it. drank it for years when paula nunes(cupertino metaphysical book store owner) gave me a mushroom.
i met and found her bookstore one day shopping. while driving lawrence expressway i heard 3 sharp knocks on the back window and said ok what's the message. i drove to wolfe homestead shopping center into the back parking lot where i'd never been and didn't know there were any stores. i entered the book store and looked around introducing myself to paula, admitting i had no idea why i was there and she invited me to sit. i browsed. half hour later liz morse walked in. she made and sold cards on consignment there. i had just quit working palo alto community church and was selling mary kay. she had $125 for her birthday and wanted skin care. i showed her products at her home in mountain view and lacked one item. i delivered her missing product meeting her at san jose recovery book store on camden av with which i was already familiar. she was meeting her women's group and i met momma delorise lucas for the first time. i drove san tomas expressway every traffic signal green and looked at the posters wondering who she was and what her credentials were and how she came there. when her group showed up i already knew most of them from different church groups. momma proceeded to answer every question i had thought. she finished saying she had no idea why she shared all that with us. i raised my hand admitting my questioning her provenance. TOTALLY FREAKED ME OUT. when she had walked into the room i could feel waves of love coming from her. she could see my entire life and loved me. they invited me to lunch with them but i ran home 10 am, changed into my pajamas and stayed in bed.
Wednesday, September 16, 2020
sexy dream
men use sex and seduction to subdue. must be part of the herd instinct. lion group=pride. females do all the work.
i'm feeling wrung out. time for another revelation. everything feels so heavy and a massive effort. i use distractions to avoid reality. movies and books are distractions from living, in engaging with life. no, they stimulate me too.
i'm watching zathura special features kristen stewart set off internal alarm bells. she's young strong skinny healthy. no wonder my family hated me. i was what they wanted to be. i can feel those waves of hate and resentment coming at me. flashback.
my pelvis is screaming. oh, my back and hips. i stretched and feel better.
it sprinkled. i water bottle sprayed the car windows. i left the window opened so i got outside just in time. i picked up senior lunch 9;48 #3 and tamale pie i could eat every day. computer unresponsive for 2 hours i felt totally alone and cut off like my childhood. scary. even with her niece living with her toki must feel lonely too. i had medium signal. it's not a good mystery.
i'm feeling wrung out. time for another revelation. everything feels so heavy and a massive effort. i use distractions to avoid reality. movies and books are distractions from living, in engaging with life. no, they stimulate me too.
i'm watching zathura special features kristen stewart set off internal alarm bells. she's young strong skinny healthy. no wonder my family hated me. i was what they wanted to be. i can feel those waves of hate and resentment coming at me. flashback.
my pelvis is screaming. oh, my back and hips. i stretched and feel better.
it sprinkled. i water bottle sprayed the car windows. i left the window opened so i got outside just in time. i picked up senior lunch 9;48 #3 and tamale pie i could eat every day. computer unresponsive for 2 hours i felt totally alone and cut off like my childhood. scary. even with her niece living with her toki must feel lonely too. i had medium signal. it's not a good mystery.
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