Saturday, May 4, 2013

Gaining clarity-yardwork

The Buddhist Chop Wood, Carry h2o

Woke 6:14am feeling anxious, took pflower.  Do something and the chemicals change. 

H2o'd plants and started weeding.  Remembered laundry needing fluff and fold.  Did that too.  8am was getting warm so closed up house.  Intrusive thoughts of mom saying if I'm so smart why aren't I rich and my reply money is not the most important thing to me and I realized m&d wouldn't let Aunty Katchan adopt me because they were jealous she had $$$$$ and she wanted meMoney's always been the most important thing to the four of them.  So important, she couldn't see that allowing Katchan to adopt me would have given her carte blanche.  I asked her why she didn't give me up, and she made some lame excuse about dad not working and money being tight.  How lame is that.

So the scapegoating started.  I became everything bad and wrong in their lives.  Mom tortured me through A to distance herself.  She was still the root.  And that's why dad never did anything to help.  Sickos blamed me.

Decided to blog.  8am taco bell open so used coupon steak +egg burrito free with bev.  Got coffee, $1.19.  Showered off pollen, nu-stepped, stretched, blogged.


Finally figured out susan1 = child,  susan2=adult,  aspergersnext=resolution, Happiest=future.
That's why I have four blogs.