igor 2008

58;13 minutes into film 'monsters only exist to be used', jaclyn/heidi.  i've been fascinated watching whenever it was on tv.  i finally borrowed it from main.  i never thought they'd have it too old.

2007 i was still pretty much bed ridden and  went to sunnyvale ex mayor pat vorreitor attorney's office regarding alien's estate settlement for mom.  alien refused an accounting (like trump, hmm) over $600 k and this was yet another lawyer number 4.  i suggested mt and i settle for the house or mt and i would have to get our own attorney to get accounting.  alien kept trying to evict me illegal under california law but lying and stealing are normal for the sisters.  they split up mom's jewelry. 

it's almost miraculous.  art walked by and i didn't feel impelled to talk to him.  he's never been supportive.  like tom discounting and denying my experiences.  and i dread tom now because he's so like my family.  i have the 2 puzzle books tom gave me maybe i'll give art.

pres. debate

i wasn't going to watch but it was a cobra lying through his fangs, come on, what a show.  trump is a better actor than pres. ronald reagan.

i don't like arguments but this was classic bullying and defusing, de-fanging a cobra.

biden kept his cool and responded as a strong sensitive person.  i've never seen him better.  i'm happy to vote for him.

tcb-  i went seniors drive up lunch line, main library pick up drop off, considered america tire pressure check, on to cupertino are lunch had to use rest room on to newly remodeled target portable cd player no wall cord battery only, back to library drop off pick up, at stevens creek intersection decided tire check.   done by 2;30.

shame

i'm ready to admit my shame for my family.  my sisters are still crooks and god help me i still care about them.  they appear to be good people until they want something they can't have.  i worry for their souls.  i worry for their victims.

my stomach muscles are still sore.

calling dr chung

maybe my sore painful stomach is to bring me back on track.  'back' get it.  it's only sore to touch.  if i'm still doesn't hurt.  why most seniors become immobilized.  we learn movement causes pain.  we're trained from infancy.  stop wiggling.  behave.  swaddling.  temple grandin animal research.

new tv season no jamie.  i can do laundry with 2 back braces maybe we'll see.

new behaviors.  new results.

i wore 3 and felt fine.  i picked up lunch, hung clothes.  watched tv 'til 2;30 too hot went to seniors cooling watched my movies on portable 'til 6;30.  decided burger king chicken and fish for lettuce and protein.  delicious.  finished tuna mac.  watched fall game shows. 

stomach still sore.  driving home i passed neighborhood park full of teens kids playing without masks or adult supervision.  made me sad thinking of them risking their lives because they're kids.  reminded me alien and nit will go that route too.  they'll follow mom dad's suicide lives.

i never had a mother

mom did the minimum to keep me alive.  i was just part of the house.  i wasn't allowed feelings.  i was furniture.  i have to change me.  i have to unlearn and teach myself to love myself.  i put everyone ahead of me because that's what they taught me.  i didn't matter.  i was there only to support them.  if and when i shined i was punished, my successes tarnished by their derision, excluded and isolated forced to celebrate alone if at all.

all the stomach pain pelvic survival issues from lack of love.  i'm soothing my stomach with grapefruit c's.

cesar 911 i was raised in a puppy mill.  my depression, lack of love, feeling used.  mom allowed everyone to take advantage of me under the guise of 'toughening me up'.  the world is tough enough without my family beating me up.  she never took my side backed me up in any every situation.. 

i can learn new behaviors.

11 am.  what do i want to do next.  i'm happy who i am.  senior center cooling station open 2-8.   or 'superman' marathon.  1 pm classic nbc tv game shows.  'jamie' and 'love boat' 6 pm.

7 pm -93 o i'm sweating out toxins and loving it.

horrible pelvic pains

excruciating.  third time.  maybe fourth.  debilitating.  the pain is exhausting messing with my digestion.  just taking vitamins is exhausting.  moving is exhausting.  lying still in pain is exhausting.  spine feels looser.

i've been stretching my ribs more, too much.  i need to slow it down.  my stomach is starving and cramping.  my neck and back are popping and crackling up and down my back.  agony. 

stretching ribs unlocks locked pelvis.  it's all connected. 

hard candy to settle my stomach still works.  48 years since i fell.  all cells are replaced every 10 years according to medical science.  well, they're wrong.

becoming nobody

ram dass' ode to death.  can't have life without it.  jamie catto producer of dvd prompted a dream visit to jamie grable.  lovely.  in my twenties i had and read  richard alpert's graphic book on his psychedelic adventures to that point in his life.  i gave most of my books to first church of religious science library in willow glen.  never saw it again.  i had found it in a used book store in campbell.

i stayed up 'til 1;30 watching 'becoming nobody' and 'longevity film'.  not as entertaining as centenarian film.  and i didn't stress i enjoyed my freedom.

i'm sitting seniors 9;43 #5 car. 

i have a half basket

two days ago i was thinking how convenient it would be to have one and yesterday after the library on calabasas stuff was left on the corner.  and 4 wheels.  i picked them up and cleaned them.  today for breakfast i ate brown rice i cooked last thing last night.  i added slivered almonds and dried apricots delicious. 

9;30 dollar store.  as an experiment i went main library 9;44.  i sat and watched folks.  online i had requested stuber this morning returning smart children book written by stuber and dvd was one of three ready to pick up.  so instant.  third in line i went on to seniors.  10;12 #5 car.  i organized my day pampering my stomach.  i walked half hour around park feeding squirrels avocados from last week when too smoky to get out.

home watched f troop, ate my lunch of sausage peppers onions on roll with potato wedges.  a little weird. 

i may wash laundry tomorrow or monday or not.  i'm free.  and so grateful.

later

i stayed abed 8;20.  restless night rescued by additional rest.  i'm sleeping to stretch dvd to program health.  my theory on subliminal learning.  i think most of what we learn is unconscious. 

i resisted over doing, hurrah!!  i'm re watching 'murder, he says'.  1944.  so funny and reassuring, soothing.  i think because everyone is enjoying themselves.  a dark comedy that feels light. 

i have a full week to do laundry.  while i love clean clothes i love feeling good more. 

i think i hope i've left the family behind.  they are predators not understanding prey have feelings.  when i remember the past i feel differently.  when i remember the past i'm distanced from the old feelings.  i can remember without pain without overwhelming sadness.  i still have a twinge in the pit of my stomach but the rest of my body feels free.  and a new kind of tired.  relaxed.  well earned.  a job well done.

9;46 #2 car i wrote out bills, planned next month.  it was lovely weather.  the air is better not yet good.  my eyes still sting.  i drove to main forgetting wednesday 3-7 hours.  dropped off boat.  parking lot packed covid testing at st just so i dropped off john avocados picked up 2 ham cheese sandwiches, potatoes, eggs, carrots, onions, peppers, apple, 2 pears, snacks. 

i can't believe cops murdered breonna taylor and got away with it.  means it's open season on non whites.  trump world white supremacist attitude means more murders.  i thought the bushes were the devils but they only stole money from everyone.  they didn't single out nonwhites for murder. 

sitting at seniors

9;44 #4 car.  i haven't brought chrome in a long time.  nothing to say.  hiding in my misery running from the pain that's within me.  reading 'standing in the rainbow'.  even tho' it's 68 o it must be humid.  good for tropical plants not me.  maybe if i'd grown up in hi i'd be different.  it would explain yesterday my 96 o temperature. 

nothing needs doing.  with all the family emergencies and trauma drama i value the peace and quiet.  i guess most people can't understand my thirst for peace.  they seek out drama and trauma programming their lives to find disaster.  they are entertained.  they don't entertain themselves.  we all have an auto pilot.  some call it god and question the results they create.  ex and alien cried complaining they didn't intend to hurt me but kept doing it.  i guess they thought i'd keep bouncing back.  i can't.  we live in a limited universe and i reached beyond my limit.

i haven't received a reply from fannie and don't expect to and it's ok.  life hasn't been easy for her either.  she has the gift to create in her imagination a better world.  i've always been in survival mode little time to imagine a better world but that's what it takes.  if one soldier says today i will not fight. 

3;30

memories of mom grabbing me by one arm and hitting me 'til i stopped crying.  how i learned to disassociate.  one reason we moved.  that's why auntie k wanted to adopt me so mom wouldn't kill me.  it's starting to make more and  more sense.  alien torturing me satisfied mom and alien avoided beatings.  that's where my sisters learned to mistreat me, from mom.

my back and stomach screaming.  i'm waiting for herbs to kick in.  nicotine gum helps.  stretching minimal help.  my back  neck, right hip, left tailbone.  hurting so bad i'm nauseated.  hope i don't throw up.  sipping grapefruit. 

i'm using yoga ball for a back pillow.  so much popping and crackling. 

i dragged myself to dentist for deep cleaning  dr alex wonderful did it.  carefully explained procedure.   numbed me.  only 20 minutes.  irrigated with antiseptic.  had to wait half hour to rinse.  picked up lunch 10;18 #5 car.  chili relleno casserole easy to eat.  squash and onions.  i like it. 

i noticed my shoulders hunched and anxious lay down before i fell down.  i slept 2 hours to 'swift' dvd.  about a bird raised by seagulls.  creates his own flock when both flocks are prejudiced. 

tortured

my feelings are scattered.  i'm feeling everything.  anger is illogical but feelings are just chemical compounds.  i could eat something, drink something, take some herbs.  change my chemistry.  exercise.

i want to buy 04 double points at lucky's but i don't want to move.  n p angelyne knew about 04 from steph curry promoting website. 

i dragged myself to store, picked up 4 waters all they had, free chobani coffee creamer last one, fresh turkey drumstick $2.  i asked if water on reorder.  no telling.  looked oxigen site online says available bev mo and cvs at moorpark.  way more expensive than $1.59.  i originally got it friday freebie.  oh, well.

i'm feeling fear my sisters may kill me.   i think i was paranoid except they were instrumental in mom and dad's deaths manipulating and maneuvering.  mom threatened to kill me so many times growing up and they are their mother's daughters.  maybe they were too programmed.  both of them confessed they felt they killed dad.  at the time i denied it but now.....

back and stomach hurting waah

my back feels compressed.  and i don't have the energy.  i woke at 2.  i watched dale evans dvd.  now split second is taking my focus off how i feel.  i forgot spare the air started midnight.  i'm coughing and tired.  lasts 'til midnight tonight.  i can't breathe like the night i dreamed i was drowning.

denial's how i managed to take care of my parents.  i ignored my body.  i distracted myself by focusing on them.

my dreams are full of loving people.  and i'm whole, healthy and strong.  i'm happy in my dreams surrounded by love.

2 pm i'm finally warm enough to remove my robe.  i may be reacting to my flu shot.

sybil

i was afraid i was crazy like mom always said i was.  maybe mom was crazy.  projection.  watching 'sybil' again it never occurred to me before.  i'll have to sit with it awhile.  i think this is the first time i understood it.  i've watched it many times without knowing why.  mom was cruel and crazy.  she burned me, hit me 'i'll give you something to cry about',  called me cold when i became afraid to cry, pinched, slapped me and encouraged my sisters to torture me too.  i can admit it now they're all dead and can't hurt me anymore.  except in my mind.

tv commercials keep me from getting too engrossed.  i can do other things.  bills paid.  games played.  distance myself from my pain.

care more yearly physical went great.  i arrived 10 minutes early.  got my flu shot.  standard tests ok.  still 5' 6".  whew i was afraid i compressed my back.  i'm losing muscle mass.  i had already noticed this month.  nurse practitioner angelyne suggested i use some weights.  turning 70 soon the stages of living.   done by 9;09 too early for seniors i went to walmart to pay pge.  found grapefruit drink packets.  i wanted more grapefruit for my nausea.  tried it delicious.  $3 for 10.    sorted drink mixes. 

seniors 9;56 #4 i think there are fewer cars.  picked up weekend sandwiches.  lunch heavy on soy sauce i added squash i cooked last night with my corn chili beans.  delicious.

test run

i'm checking alarm clock.  i haven't needed one in years.  tomorrow 8 am appointment i can pay pge at walmart before or after physical.  after probably better.  i have to leave 7;30 latest.

after 9;41 #2 lunch pick up i went to main pick up requests stood in long line 40 minutes.  feel ok.  hot and sweaty standing in partial sun.  4 dvds 1 book.  white old lady in front of me bitching over having to wait for free materials after 30 days of smoke finally able to breathe and she uses it bitching.

i came home.  i don't have to use my energy for john or toke.  i can harvest plant.  a new concept of putting me first.  i keep forgetting and remembering.  new behaviors are like this.

i think i know my passion.  natural healing health.  i don't know 'til i test it.  i think i finally drank my last kombucha.  i kept buying it clearance by mistake.  different brands interesting flavors unclear labels.  i don't like it but i guess i need it.  drank it for years when paula nunes(cupertino metaphysical book store owner) gave me a mushroom.

i met and found her bookstore one day shopping.  while driving lawrence expressway i heard 3 sharp knocks on the back window and said ok what's the message.  i drove to wolfe homestead shopping center into the back parking lot where i'd never been and didn't know there were any stores.  i entered the book store and looked around introducing myself to paula, admitting i had no idea why i was there and she invited me to sit.  i browsed.  half hour later liz morse walked in.  she made and sold cards on consignment there.  i had just quit working palo alto community church and was selling mary kay.  she had $125 for her birthday and wanted skin care.  i showed her products at her home in mountain view and lacked one item.  i delivered her missing product meeting her at san jose recovery book store on camden av with which i was already familiar.  she was meeting her women's group and i met momma delorise lucas for the first time.  i drove san tomas expressway every traffic signal green and looked at the posters wondering who she was and what her credentials were and how she came there.  when her group showed up i already knew most of them from different church groups.  momma proceeded to answer every question i had thought.  she finished saying she had no idea why she shared all that with us.  i raised my hand admitting my questioning her provenance.  TOTALLY FREAKED ME OUT.  when she had walked into the room i could feel waves of love coming from her.  she could see my entire life and loved me.  they invited me to lunch with them but i ran home 10 am, changed into my pajamas and stayed in bed.

sexy dream

men use sex and seduction to subdue.  must be part of the herd instinct.  lion group=pride.  females do all the work.

i'm feeling wrung out.  time for another revelation.  everything feels so heavy and a massive effort.  i use distractions to avoid reality.  movies and books are distractions from living, in engaging with life.  no, they stimulate me too.

i'm watching zathura special features kristen stewart set off internal alarm bells.  she's young strong skinny healthy.  no wonder my family hated me.  i was what they wanted to be.  i can feel those waves of hate and resentment coming at me.  flashback.

my pelvis is screaming.  oh, my back and hips.  i stretched and feel better.

it sprinkled. i water bottle sprayed the car windows.  i left the window opened so i got outside just in time.  i picked up senior lunch 9;48 #3 and tamale pie i could eat every day.  computer unresponsive for 2 hours i felt totally alone and cut off like my childhood.  scary.  even with her niece living with her toki must feel lonely too.  i had medium signal.  it's not a good mystery.

sleepless

so i'm watching split second from the start.  hurrah!!  i know i'll be fine.  i just did too much.  my back feels fine.  just a little too energized.  the delicious potato and corn chips.

reminded me when i got divorced i couldn't sleep either.  i felt like a big loser from my family programming.  and i survived and was stronger for it.  maybe.  and i survived my family.  as long as i get enough rest now.  my body needs relaxation to allow my mind to sleep.  classical stretch is perfect for now. 

i'm planning my schedule for my physical on friday.  success is just showing up.  i feel so tired and depressed over feeling so tired.  i'm so tired of feeling tired.

i went to dollar store for mouthwash feeling nauseated.  i drank some 04 and felt better.  when the flip clerk asked me if i wanted 25 cent clearance i found 8 plastics.  i arrived seniors 9;35 #2 and read rainbow book.  i hid in books my entire childhood vacationing from the animal pack.  tolkien gave me hope that better finer people existed.  hobbit and lord of the rings teach good will always triumph over evil because there are more good people than evil and evil ultimately consumes itself. 

so i muddled through high school and mr rhodes my school counselor sent out my college applications.  my parents were so resentful i knew i'd have to manage paying my own way.  i was accepted by all of the colleges being in the top 10% and sophomore spanish club historian, junior class vice president and senior class treasurer.  and being asian female fit the quota.  being free of my tormentors i didn't need to hide in my books.  what i didn't know was that predators could smell my scarred and bloodied spirit. 

so like jonathon livingston seagull i'm looking for my flock. 

frustration

i'm feeling lost and abandoned like my childhood.  i woke 6 watched 2 stretches.  loosened up. 

it's still smoky and overcast stinging my eyes.  i put out garbage and recycle bins.  my favorite breakfast today is cheerios and cup fruit.  washed sticky bowl and spoon.  what's brown and sticky? a stick.

i dressed and put out garbage and recycle bins.  checked on plants.  still overcast and smoky stinging my eyes. 

went to costco to test monday cheapest gas theory.  doesn't seem like it at $2.799.  no receipt twice.  wrote my own.  mileage 23.70 m/p/g and cost $23.70.  what are the odds?  store open at 9. 

stopped at target 2 marked down salads $4.98 total.  senior 9;46 #3 car.  decided to go cup returned 4 dvd and book.  stopped at pge office to pay bill cash temporarily closed.  no sign 'til front door locked.  decided to cut through neighborhood to sunny vale dollar store.  long lunch lines.  getting ideas non chewing lunch.  if dental work requires.

and home 12;30.

case of the missing case

i swapped out the movie and couldn't find the j 3 case.  with all the moving around i did yesterday i could have carried it anywhere.  i looked everywhere in the house and car.  i finally got a flashlight and it had fallen open under the chair all black and invisible.  whew!  depressed people make bad decisions they can't remember.

i need to cut the world more slack.

i've been watching ted talks on happiness and realize i've worked my way out of the family drama like i worked my way out of my ex marriage.  i never have to say or do anything with family again.  i've been rejected and betrayed by them tens of thousands of times.  i've done everything possible to have honest healthy relationships with them.  they choose to live in the state of denial i choose to live in the state of happiness.  they choose to keep stealing from me.  i choose to bless them and get on with my life. 

i'm free.  i'm good.

oh that blogger

woke to blogger down my posts disconnected.  i finally got everything back for as long as it lasts.  the new format took over.  i had to reset to legacy.

my depression and sadness of a lifetime i'm still processing.  i'm tired.  i want to feel happy.  i'm crying.  releasing waves of disappointment.

i'm mourning dad's 9/5 death.  reliving my exhaustion.  we had no sleep that week because of alien's manipulating mom, nit and dad into the 2 chiropractor visits that killed dad to die tortured in unbearable pain.  alien's bad karma.  too sad.  i can't watch.

all yesterday's body work released the pain and fear stored from a time i couldn't express it.  mom had already tried to kill herself in '93.  there was too much to do still.

stayed in bed

'til 8.  forgot split second.  watched stretch since 5 wakening.  feeling tired.  and ok.  still bad air.  lying in bed doing modified stretches heavenly.  relaxation allows best fitness results.  my muscles finally relaxing.  so all my efforts burned calories.  relaxed muscles stretch further better circulation blood flow.

feeling energized i moved things about to fit better. 

afternoon i called triple a to renew roadside assistance and talked to rebecca in menlo park.   i usually get a robot phone tree.  i also paid car insurance due 15th.  forgot non smoker discount.

the good mom

ex wanted to be an only child.  mom and dad were my children.  nit and alien are still kids stealing from me.  i learned to enable others.  my survival and comfort depended on giving them what they needed to thrive.  they allowed me to live after their wants were satisfied leaving me to desire only peace.

dentist was half hour.  exam and x-rays.  so much better rinn less radiation instant results.  i need deep clean and 2 small cavities.  monday 21.  novacaine half mouth avoid pain.  10 a m i speculated on the timing and decided i'd try it.  cutting it close to lunch.  we'll see.

9;35 #3 car perused market ads.  read emo resilience and rainbow.  considered laundry.  too much doing not enough being.  picked up lunch and home.

i got the karaoke machine out and it plays the secret cd beautifully.  i have more peace in my life.  this is the best fall season ever.  instructions are to use headphones but stereo is so much more engulfing.  total experience.  washing over me.

ouch! cramp my left foot.  i'm experiencing my body like never before.  knot is actually in my calf.

i lost phone in blankets and used the back up to find it again.  i didn't know which room i left it 'til i heard it ringing.

karaoke dream

i woke at 1 and 3 dream of singing karaoke in a club i woke and realized i can try playing the cd on the karaoke machine i have in closet.   hurrah!!  it may work.

there's always new revelations after stress.  the pain of new emergence.   whether cocoon or egg.

i watched fresh off the boat.

air is still bad.  i feel like smoking.  so much stress.  bad air an additional stress.  funny when i smoked it didn't seem to be.

our bodies are little supernovas compressing with age.  so stretching is mandatory to balance the compression.  old people shrink compress.  aches and pain of compression.  and stretching is so easy.  no equipment necessary.  kids naturally stretch.  adults have to work at it i wonder why.

i called and went tom's after lunch.  he was worried driver's license renewal expired from may 9th.  wanted to postpone.  i told him i had avocados to drop off he had console deck ready when i arrived.  done and done.  i offered him envoy free phone he always has trouble communicating.  he declined.  he always has phone trouble. 

i felt pretty good went to target portable cd player out of stock 2 months.  i looked at boom box, not now.  still felt good short drive to danny's recycle $8.42 + quarter someone left.

home 12;30 ate ok lunch.  tired and happy.

slept 2;30

did a wee bit too much yesterday.  had new boat dvd to watch.  so eventually i slept.  lovely overcast, dark 65 o.

i brought in gym roll case and went through contents.  case is so heavy.  i made room for laundry basket.  computer roll case fits on top.

inspired i steamed broccoli, added beaten  eggs w/parmesan simmered 5 minutes.  cooked baby carrots with balsamic glaze.  ate with ramen noodles.

i don't feel like going anywhere.  my body is changing.   the butterfly effect.  i want to break out of the cocoon.  i want to fly.  maybe it's lack of oxygen from fires.  the plants must like all the co2.  it's dark as a total eclipse.  like 6 am.

i wonder how others are doing.

humans must go through certain stages before leaving the planet.  people who who haven't experienced all the stages will create the experiences necessary.  living creates commonality, equality for all.

results vs. rhetoric LABELERS dehumanizers

cooked carrots for breakfast.  yummy.  ooh i have slivered almonds.  i cooked the glazed carrots al dente yesterday and prefer them room temp.  tastier.  hot or cold not as much natural flavor.

65 o 78% humidity.   i'm feeling so sweaty sticky.  good for putting out fires i hope.  eyes still stinging.

i'm watching classical stretch and miranda esmonde white is so sensible.  no additional weights forcing the muscles to compensate and the joints to lock up.  benefit is only in relaxed body.  when i was muscle bound all movement was numbing.  i especially appreciate the information.  it works.

mom labeled me lucky and stupid.  luck takes constant vigilance.  i looked at what she said, did, and how she did it.  she showed me the price of hypocrisy.  she labeled me stupid because i refused to blindly follow her directions.

i got it.  controllers knowingly set up their victims for failure so they can rescue and further cement their influence.  they have no respect or regard for their students.  they pass along an inauthentic way of life taught to them.  mom and trump.  lemmings to follow into the sea.

i used to think they didn't know.  now i think they know and are too lazy to learn better.  learning takes work.  they choose to continue destructive, negative behavior to enhance their egos.

i decided to go to cupertino to pick up dvd. 

i called tom for advice on cd player he suggested best buy and look online.  i found one at target $25.  i'll go tomorrow.
 

73 o at 6 a m

opened house to cool.  ate cheerios, cooked eggs, got almond butter for veggies.  packed books, cd player.  getting ready for cooling.  closed up house 9;30 when starting to get warmer than house.

got hungry 10 ate celery w/almond butter, cooked carrots, ate eggs.  meditated.  thought about sunnyvale senor center cooling 11-8.  no shade for car.  unfamiliar.  also membership may be needed.  i checked plants and watered again. 

i went to b king fish and whopper, and arrived 1 pm.  car read still 108 o again.  was to be cooler, 

brownie for breakfast

and chips.  i heated the brown rice turkey onions too. 


watching cesar 911.  animal behavior is human behavior.  we're mammals.  i gentled tom so he could live with his sister who can be his mom.  he makes every one his mom.  lost the reception due to heat maybe or maybe to broadcasting tower. 

i can search you tube. 

so i'm watching the last of sheila. 

leisure

i've been up and about since 6;30 classical stretch.  steamed bao in microwave wrapped in wet towel 44 seconds medium power.

i watered plants.  co q 10 was delivered on porch.  i watered lilac, gum and liners arrived.  hurrah!!!  i seriously considered walmart for gum. 

i'm watching 'devil doll' 1936.  excellent.  so perfect for saturday popcorn movie.  dad's 21 year dead @ 8 am.  dad would have been 16 when the movie was new.  only the slightest visceral reaction.   movie not being shown much.  too bad. 

i  keep calming myself.  i feel i should be doing more.  i have monday and wednesday holidays to recycle and launder.

ate rice and onions turkey for lunch watching 'get smart' marathon.  i toasted 2 senior sandwiches, boiled 2 eggs in toshiba auto, 2 apples for dinner.  or snacks at 1 pm senior cooling center.  5;30 pm episode with leonard nimoy. 

i mailed my last medicare payment for oct/nov/dec since starting jan my soc sec will pay automatically subtracted from benefits. 

cooling at senior center 1-6 i brought everything in rolling case.  computer, dvd player, forgot cd.  i have tomorrow and monday to remember. 

it feels so weird to have life be pleasurable, simple and easy.  sure there's an annoying couple and the other 4 people are lovely quiet.   

oops

left it open it erased.   or maybe reset to limitless. 

best

i went to flora vista chase.  withdrawal limit is 3 k.  i finally got kettle chips at dollar store.  seniors lunch line 9;47 #4 car.  i called justin v mail re avocados.   drove by and he came out to meet me.  on to safe way potty and found clearance hazelnut spread and slivered almonds.  proceeded to star one deposit, st justin drop off remaining avocados and home.  i'm loving home.  i'm feeling it's my home.

one small meatball not on menu.  was supposed to be curry chicken.  oh, well.  nothing on menu.  i wonder at filling it out.  i filled up on chips and 3 p b cookies.  i consolidated lemon, p b, doughnuts into one box.

my shoulders so sore.  my sit bones too.  my body releasing everything i kept locked inside for my lifetime.  i'm safe to let go.

too much stretch yesterday

couldn't sleep last night my back and legs uncomfortable on the verge of pain.  i watched fresh off the boat and listened to secret cd.  prepared for today.  ate veg noodle soup for breakfast and watched split second and stretch.  now my back and legs hurt.  sipped grapefruit to settle my stomach. 

dentist 15 minutes to glue crown in place.  arrived seniors 9;26 #1.  i'm finally #1 in my life.  miss alex the receptionist wanted me back friday to begin regular treatment.  i wanted the week after to give me a break.  i still have banking to do this week.  i'm taking my time being gentle with myself.