Friday, January 19, 2018

FEELING ANXIOUS

I SUDDENLY AWOKE WITH FREE FLOATING ANXIETY THEN REMEMBERED JURY DUTY NEXT WEEK. 

THE LAST TIME WAS 2004.  WHEN I GOT THE CAR, AND THE FUNNY PART; I STARTED LOOKING FOR A CAR BEFORE.  THEN THE CHECK ENGINE LIGHT AND REMEMBERING ERIC'S DEATH THIS LAST JUNE 13, TEN DAYS AFTER HIS BIRTHDAY. 

MOM'S IS MAY 13, TWELVE DAYS AFTER HER BIRTHDAY. 

IS THAT THE ROOT ANXIETY?  HOW A&M TURNED ON ME AND TRIED TO EVICT ME 2001-2008.  BATTLING THEM FOR THE RIGHT TO LIVE.

AND ALL THAT TIME I'VE BATTLED DEPRESSION, THE FAMILY TRADITION.

NO WONDER I FEEL SO TIRED.  PTSD.




Thursday, January 18, 2018

NEWS I UNDERSTAND

SUNDAY 12 CHILDREN WERE FOUND IMPRISONED IN A HOME IN L A.  I CAN UNDERSTAND THE FEAR, DEPRESSION, AND ISOLATION THAT WILL CONTINUE TO KEEP THESE KIDS CAPTIVE. 

ONLY PEOPLE OUTSIDE THE CAGE CAN SEE.  I UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY.  SHAME AND FEAR PLAY A HUGE ROLE.  KIDS WHO'VE BEEN TAUGHT THEY DESERVE ABUSE NO MATTER HOW INTELLIGENT THEY MAY BE WILL CONTINUE GRAVITATING TO SITUATIONS TO REINFORCE THOSE ERRONEOUS, SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BELIEFS.  WE SEEK THE SAFE AND FAMILIAR NO MATTER HOW DESTRUCTIVE AND ILLOGICAL IT MAY BE.  NOW I UNDERSTAND THE REPUBLICAN CYCLE.  PEOPLE CAN'T STAND TO HAVE LIFE BE TOO GOOD. 

I'VE LIVED IT.  I AWOKE DEPRESSED THAT LIFE HASN'T CHANGED BUT I HAVE.  I CAN SEE IT AND I CAN CHOOSE DIFFERENTLY.


Sunday, January 14, 2018

THE FLU

TERRIBLE NEWS STORIES OF HEALTHY MIDDLE AGED PEOPLE DYING.  I'M GLAD I HAD MY SHOT.  I HAVE A TOUCH, THAT FEELING OF DOOM.  SO I'M BABYING MYSELF.  GOOD TO KNOW WHAT IT IS.


Saturday, January 13, 2018

HOW LONG CAN THIS LAST

I'M WAITING.

I WENT TO COSTCO GAS, G2, MLIB.  I WANTED TO GET MY THRIFT ON BUT ST J IS CLOSED DUE TO MLK HOLIDAY.  I RECHECKED OUT THE CHROME BOOK, PICKED UP DELIVERANCE, WATCHED THE SPECIAL FEATURES.  IT'S BASED ON A BOOK. 

THEN ON THE WAY HOME I SAW THE SIGN FOR THE ESTATE SALE AROUND THE CORNER.  I BOUGHT MOSTLY FOOD, CEREAL, RICE, BEANS, BALSAMIC. 

I FEEL IT'S TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

     

Friday, January 12, 2018

VULNERABLE

THERE'S A VAST DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VULNERABLE AND WEAK.  I'VE BEEN CONFUSING THE TWO. 

I WAS PUNISHED FOR BEING HUMAN.  SLAPPED, BEATEN, RIDICULED.  I WAS SMALL AND DEFENSELESS.  IN MY MIND I SOMETIMES STILL FEEL SMALL.  I'M A WORK IN PROGRESS. 


Thursday, January 11, 2018

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

DW-LET GO, LET GOD

I WAS DREADING DRIVING TO SAVERS IN THE GLOOMY RAIN AND SUDDENLY REMEMBERED ST J REOPENS TODAY.  HURRAY!  1.7 R/T 6 MILES.

I TOOK MY TIME AND FOUND AN IN SINK DISH RACK $1, NEW DRAFTING TABLET $1, NEW SOMETHING ABOUT MARY DVD $.50, GLASS UNICORN HEAD PAPERWEIGHT $1, AND A FIGURE JEWELRY BODY $3.  I DEBATED ON THAT ONE AND DECIDED IF I DIDN'T I MIGHT NEVER FIND ANOTHER AND REGRET IT.  IT'S KIND OF SCARY.  A BODY WHERE THE ARMS AND HEAD ARE REPLACED WITH WIRES AND PEARLS TO HANG JEWELRY FROM.  I COULDN'T DECIDE IF IT WAS CUTE OR CREEPY.  EH, I CAN ALWAYS DONATE IT BACK.