Wednesday, May 23, 2018

PEACE GARDEN

I WANT LOVE, HEALTH, PEACE.

YESTERDAY B4 PT I CHANGED MY BAG TO THE HOBO AND BY THE AFTERNOON I FORGOT.  I SPENT A PANICKED HALF HOUR LOOKING FOR IT B4 I REMEMBERED.

AND NOW I KNOW WHY I CAN CHANGE MY BEHAVIOR AND CHANGE MY LIFE.


Sunday, May 20, 2018

STOMACHE

MY BODILY SENSATIONS ARE CHANGING AND MY LIFE SITUATIONS ALSO.  NOW A BOOK I CHECKED OUT HAS DISAPPEARED FROM MY RECORDS AND A BOOK I DON'T HAVE HAS APPEARED.  IT MUST HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE BOOKMOBILE. 

I DIDN'T NOTICE SINCE I CHECKED OUT SO MANY.  I WENT BY THE NUMBER OF ITEMS.  I SHALL HAVE TO CHECK MY RECEIPT.

I CONTINUE TO SLOWLY EMPTY MY CAR.  I CONSIDERED JUST LOADING ALL STUFF INTO THE NEW/USED CAR BUT THE LOGISTICS OF BOXES NECESSARY PRECLUDES THAT. 

AND MY STOMACH HURTS.  IT MAY BE MY BACK.  I'VE BEEN MOVING MY STUFF REORGANIZING.


Friday, May 18, 2018

AMAZING

I USED THE SCRABBLE TO SOLVE THE WORD JUMBLE.
I'M HANGING ON.
I STILL FEEL ANCHOR LESS.  I FEEL I CAN DO ANYTHING.  WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?


Thursday, May 17, 2018

weird week

I'VE FELT DESOLATE, WITH RETURNS, CAR SHOPPING, PHYSICAL THERAPY STIRRING UP MY BACK, THE CHROME DISAPPEARING FROM MY RECORDS.

MY ORDERED LIFE IN SEEMING CHAOS.  I TURNED IN THE CHROME AND GOT A NEW ONE IMMEDIATELY. 

I STARTED CLEARING OUT MY CAR AND FOUND THE BAG.  I HAVE SO MUCH.

TYGJ.

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

FLASHBACKS

PTSD-MY BODY SCREAMS 3;10 AM OF SITTING ON WICKER FURNITURE AT 14-15 MONTHS OLD.  IT HURTS TO SIT ON THE WICKER COUCH.  I'M AFRAID TO MOVE. SPLINTERS, IT FEELS LIKE IT'S BITING ME.  I FEEL SO TERRIBLY UNHAPPY.  MY LIFE IS ONE OF MISERY, CRUELTY, HUMILIATION, TORTURE.  MY GRANDMA IS MY ONLY RESPITE.

MY PARENTS SPEND THEIR TIME SCREAMING.  THEY'RE SO UNHAPPY.  FEAR ANXIETY ARE CONSTANT.  MY 7 YR OLD SISTER HAS BEEN A HUMAN PING PONG BALL RAISED BY TWO IMMATURE DAMAGED PEOPLE.  HIS DAD HUNG HIMSELF 1 YEAR 4 MONTHS BEFORE MY BIRTH 1949.  MAYBE WHY I WAS TREATED LIKE MALE.  A WAS 3.  THEY MARRIED 1942 WW 2.  WE LEARNED TO PRETEND TO BE HAPPY. 

I'M STILL UNLEARNING.


Monday, May 14, 2018

I MAY NOT KNOW

EVER.  I'M FEELING A TINY BIT BETTER.  MAYBE I'M JUST ADAPTING.  I HAVE WAY MORE EXPERIENCE WITH HARD TIMES.  HEAVEN FEELS WEIRD AFTER A LIFETIME OF HELL.  AND HEAVEN IS CONSTANTLY EVOLVING AS I EVOLVE.  SO.....

Saturday, May 12, 2018

OH WELL

I LEFT MY PHONE BAG IN THE SR DINING ON A CHAIR.  I SPENT HALF HOUR LOOKING FOR IT RETHOUGHT AND REMEMBERED PUTTING IT ON THE CHAIR NEXT TO ME.  I GOT UP, PUSHED GERTA'S WALKER OVER TO HER, GRABBED MY CARRY ON AND LEFT.  AND LEFT IT ON THE CHAIR.  I'LL TRY LOST AND FOUND TOMORROW.  BOTH PHONES IN IT.

OH, WELL.  I'M REALLY MISSING MOM.  I SPENT THE AFTERNOON LOOKING FOOR CARS.  I ATE AND NAPPED 4;39-6;30.  WATCHED JEOPARDY-WHEEL LOOKING FOR CARS.  GETTING READY FOR BED I NOTICED I DIDN'T HAVE MY PHONE, LOOKED IN THE CAR, ALL OVER THE HOUSE.

IT'S OK.  I'M OK.  NOT DOING AS WELL AS I HOPED.  AND THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

ON THE VERGE OF SLEEPING I FLASHBACK TO CROSSING THE STREET AT LAWRENCE MONROE ON THE WAY TO 5TH GRADE AND BEING HIT BY CAR, KNOCKED OVER, ALL MY BOOKS FLYING, WOMAN IN CAR LOOKED AT ME NEVER EVEN STOPPED.  AND THEN I REMEMBER THE BOY ON THE BIKE THAT KNOCKED ME DOWN AND NEVER STOPPED AND I'M TOO UPSET TO SLEEP.  I NEVER TOLD ANYONE.  MOM WOULD HAVE MADE IT MY FAULT.  SHE MADE EVERYTHING MY FAULT.  MY SISTERS STOLE FROM ME AND SHE WAS FINE WITH IT.  SO THEY BECAME THIEVES.