Thursday, December 29, 2011

New Behaviors for the New Year

I can't believe how fabulous life can be.  I had lunch at seniors, dropped off and picked up dvds Cupertino library, Michael's SV, SV library to print tv schedule and then home to Rockford.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Following Spirit

Lunch is so pleasant and the people so nice.  Madhu tried to give me her salad.  4/12/13*So wrong.  A horribly contentious person. She missed the bus yesterday and missed lunch completely.  There was so much extra food.  I had seconds of lentil soup/ham so I was so full. 

For a lot of the seniors lunch is the only meal they have.  I'm very blessed to have as much as I do.  I guess THEY felt all the suffering entitled them and no one else's suffering is as important or real.  I'm lucky in that regard too.  Gratitude is a good feeling.

These programs have so many glitches it took me time to get this blue.  I'm learning so much about behavior. BE and Have.4/12/13and enjoying it all.  Oh, BEHAVE!!! OH, BE and HAVE!!!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The best Xmas ever-Cruelty Begone

Best Present Ever - The Present

I remember an aerosol can with "bullshit begone" printed on the label.  I have to make and print some labels, "cruelty begone".

Such a wonderful day of Peace and Joy.  And nothing to spoil it.  Had turkey pot pie and huge salad.  I have everything I need.  I want safety and security.  Protection.  I've never felt safe before.  I guess that's why Mit is incommunicado.  She'd make me nervous and I'd start second guessing myself. 

And I'm having lunch at the srs.  Something new for me.  I wasn't signed up tho I'd said I was doing the entire month.  Maybe I have to sign up week by week.  People die. 

So new behaviors creating new neural pathways.  No wonder sometimes I feel weird. 

I cried today after lunch.  I sat in my car crying.  A woman walking past lit a smoke and I asked her if she had another.  She didn't.  Saved again.  They are all so nice to me.  They took time with me and let me observe their patterns.  They respectfully interacted with me after weeks of my getting used to them and their communicating styles.  It hurts to release the safety locks storing all the unacknowledged pain and suffering.  Rusted shut.  Spiritual WD 40.  No wonder it hurts so bad.  61 years of hiding and protecting myself.  Finally free from the cruelty.

Listening to the old lady complaining she spent xmas alone.  She didn't invite anyone to share it or maybe her friends know better than to accept.  You keep trying, moving forward.  If you want company you keep asking until you get what you want.  Be careful what you want.  Be as clear as you can.  Or give it to God who knows what's in your heart and can fulfill your heart's desire.  Be specific on the clear, clean feeling.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Xmas Avenger Rides Again-Gossips Beware!!!!

Could not stand the character assassination going on at the table next to puzzle table.  Talk, snipe, talk, snipe, talk.  So I asked the "lovely ladies"  how the target of their bile was hurting them.  They came up with "she holds up traffic in the parking lot and they have to wait for her.  She talks to herself and sprays water on things."   Petty deal. Ouch!

I wished them a merry xmas and to all a good night.  They don't know what bad vibes they create for her and themselves.  They think they're doing something because of the energy generated.  All they do is create more unhealthy energy.  Mom and dad died of heart failure because they couldn't love.  The Tin Woodsman knew he needed a heart.  Without conscious love being generated from the heart it dies, atrophies. 

Like the guy in the exercise room who only exercises his jaw.  I can't figure out whether they fear disappearing so they make as much noise as they can.

I can't tolerate the negative vibes.  I guess I'm filled to the brim and running over.  Their ugliness spews forth and poisons all around them.  I had too much from my own family.  I don't need or want it from strangers. 

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Life feels too good fallacy rejected

I'm quivering inside.  I guess I am courageous.  I'm terrified inside and deep breathing and moving forward.  I've printed the schedules for the libraries so I have somewhere to go if I want to go out.  The sr. ctr will be closed xmas and new year week.  They call it a furlough.  No $ with prop J. 

I'm learning how to take care of me.  I've taken care of others all my life.  To take care of me feels so foreign. 

Having lunch here feels like such a huge step.  And wearing my belt.  Just wearing a back brace feels like cheating or wrong somehow to get what I need.  And taking my meds.  And sleeping.  I've sacrificed so much for others I almost can't tolerate the feeling of being cared for and waited on.  I've been the servant for so long.  I've suffered for so long. 

Next week monday the group is to finalize holiday mtg at Valley Village.  Another new thing.  They complained about missing mtgs so I suggested mtg at McD's or KFC like the srs do for coffee.  Bill Costley suggested the parlours at VV.  So we'll see.  I'm going to keep the time holy.

Have to get to SV lib to return dvds so I want to finish watching first. I love me lots.


Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I am God's perfect child/I am not my wounds

I'm having lunch here 4 days a week.  I'm changing.  All the decisions and judgments I made based on my family are subject to change.  Family Guilt and Shame Begone.  My back is improving, my stomach and digestion are so much better.  And all the sludge in my body is being removed. 

Today I changed the windshield wiper blades.  One is 18" and the other 20".  And they are configured totally differently.  One I can change the armature and the other I replace the rubber strip.  And the brake light was coming back on even when I checked the handbrake was not engaged.  Ohh... I must check the fluid levels.

It's SO great to feel good again.  Thank you God. 

This a.m. SaveMart-salads.  Office Max has no refills for my favorite pens.  I tumbled my clothes, folded and put them away.  Went $anta Clara and found cute things, pens.  Used the $12.96 debit card.  Paid $3.31.  I showered, exercised, checked the ads, and my messages remotely. 

I'm feeling successful again and rich.  Even if I haven't $.4/12/13

Friday, December 9, 2011

Yesterday an Eternity Away

I don't know what I feel.  It's something new.  Scary and different.  Scary because it's different.  So I had lunch at the sr. ctr. all this week except for tues. 6th my b-day.  Tomas hadn't called by 10 so I came here and went to Round Table for free single pizza, single topping.  D-lish.  Came back here, showered, exercised 'til dinner time and went to Denny's.  Tomas left music message at 11:21.  So I called him back at 5pm when I got home.  I keep forgetting to check my phone remotely.   I'll try it 2day.

He's picking me up at 5:30 today for b-day dinner.  I told him next week lunch would be good but he says he wants to do it this week.  Hmmm...

So I had free lunch all this week except I somehow lost two rings washing my hands.  I do wash them a lot.   I have to remember more lotion.  This has been like going to work.  And as long as I wear a back brace I'm ok.  I've worn one every day this week.  New behavior.  I know wearing one to cut trees and do laundry makes all the difference in the world.  I guess I didn't think I deserved to feel good all the time.  I had to suffer along with my family.  Now they're dead I don't have to suffer.

Whenever I wake in the night I do my mantras and alpha brain wave breathing.  And it works.  Not quickly, but it works. 

I want to check out the cake at Safeway.  The friday special.  I think I've caught up with all the cakes I missed out on for my b-days.  If they have strawberry cafe whip cream I'll get one.  I can pick and choose and don't have to settle for what I don't want. 

Thursday, December 8, 2011


Trying to figure out how the blog lists the chapters.  Other things pop in when I google my blog.  Fits with my feelings.  I know I need to go to SC library and I want to get something clear within me not knowing what it is.  I'm full of lunch and feeling sated and restless at the same time.  Maybe it's just an habitual feeling resurfacing.  I know I've felt it b4.  I'll stay with it, feeling it like a bruise.  Testing the limits and intensity.  Feels dark purple.  Grape??

I have tons of dvds I'm not watching.  Hurray!! Susan!!  Leaving all the manic obsessive/compulsive chaos behind. 

Bub-bye...  This is what newness feels like.  New feelings.  The reaction to new feelings.  The world is not ending.  The old world is changing and I guess in a way the old is ending, dying.  Like 2011.  Like the flowers.

Breathe into the new.

I'm ready to live life anew.

Friday, December 2, 2011

alone-all one

Feeling low, I'm feeling sad.  Thinking of contacting for home repairs I can't do or pay for.  Depressing to remember Mit saying I'm living here so I have to do it myself.  I still feel sad neither one of my sisters saw fit to help our parents.  They insisted on pretending our parents were fine.  DENIAL!!!  The odd thing is they insist I'm the one rejecting them because I'm physically unable to meet their demands.  They come to me offering help and support and refuse to help.  Of course, I'm feeling depressed.

I think the only thing will satisfy them is my death and if I could I would.  My living reminds them how little they did and the fact mom and dad are dead.

I guess they're still living in a state of fantasy.  Believing they can pretend the world into being what they want.  Believing the world is as they wanted it.  I know there are many improvements I would make.  Maybe they're just better at accepting the world the way it is and want to keep it unchanged.  Yes, I do believe they prefer the world to remain the same.  Explains their refusal to accept our parents aging and becoming more and more frail.  And mom and dad insisting everything was alright and how I do the same even though I can't sit up without my back brace without getting sick to my stomach and screwing up my digestion.  So I'm just living in my own fantasy. 

I've had so many experiences of seeing things others somehow don't.  Going to a friend's house to go out to dinner and he and his son have tiled and ripped out the tub area 3 times.  I look at it and can see the walls are slanted, not squared so the tiles will never come out even as it is.  They are amazed and I don't understand how they can't see what's in front of their faces. 

And what shall I do?  Well, I'm working diligently on changing myself.  I've stopped nicotine.  Since July. Six months now.  Something I've had in my body since b4 I was born.  The stress and anxiety have been intense.  Sugar free mints and mantras.  Healthy, happy, wealthy.  Healthy, happy, wealthy.  Healthy, happy, wealthy.  I have had fleeting moments of joy.  Something I've never experienced b4.  I know manic. Panic. Frantic. Hysteria.  I know a lot.  Joy is bliss.  Without time, pressure, or toxic residue.  Leaving one in peace.  Filled full.  Not tired.  Just quietly being.  Satisfied in the moment.

Snap out of it now has specific reprogramming exercises.  I must practice as much as I can.  Go Susan!!!!  Hurray!!!!

Brian Kim called and took me to lunch.  Maybe we should do something honoring George around the 21st.  He was so gracious to include me in driving to LA for G's memorial service in Jan 2009.  Or we can do something in Jan as another memorial.  I'll suggest it.  Eric T too.  I wonder if Brian knows others who'd want to meet?  Been thinking of George Hirai.  His third deathiversary 12-21.  I was so sick then.  Physically I'm better, so I guess emotionally I'm better too.  Can our spirit change?  Hey, George now you know there is life after death.

Dr. Adrianne Ahern is right.  I do feel better after writing.  Snap out of it now states alpha waves can be generated consciously and suggests specific activities to reduce stress and focus on the present.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

still freaking out-i guess i am courageous

I don't like feeling fear.  The only way to get rid of it or lessen it is to face it.  I can do it head on or on a tangent.  I can face the perpetrator or someone reminding me of the perp.  I choose the easy way. 

I've been criticized my entire regular life for doing the easy bits first.  Why not??  I can run around hitting myself in the head with a hammer, encouraged by my family, or I can use my uncommon sense and be gentle with myself.  Doing the easy bits first creates a rhythm to build on.  My family made no attempt to do anything difficult and I married the same wimpy weak type.  Abbe labeled me thusly.  I know to run away fast now and don't look back.

My facilitators in group insist on calling me courageous and I have a difficult time accepting that label.  I've resisted the false labels given me by my family for so long the habit of rejecting labels is deeply ingrained.  That bit of info has taken me a month to excavate from the depths of my soul.  My heart has been buried so deep for my 60 yrs that the light of day stings. 

Snap out of it now has specific exercises to do and I'm doing them as much, as often, as I can remember.  And it's  working.  Scaring the hell out of me.  Literally.  My body is so sore.  I feel my muscles, fascia, organs sore from the figurative and literal beatings of my life. 

Abuse is stored by the body and surfaces when the body feels safe.  There is nothing wrong.  It only feels wrong.  I'm still dealing with feelings and emotions.  Emotions seem to store feelings in the body until it's safe to deal with them.  What are you feeling?

After the best Thxgvng ever my body has been detoxing the past.  Tuesday I crashed.  Woke up 3am took my meds and slept until 5 pm.  Tell me I'm not depressed.  I have good reason to be and I know everyone has good reasons.  They may not know consciously but their bodies remember.

I'm still mourning mom's death. 

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Growing up is painfilled

Is pain a required condition??  I used to feel sorry for babies.  Growing hurts.  I think even plants feel pain and pleasure.  Is it possible to grow only towards the pleasure?  Life is avoiding pain and seeking pleasure.

The only problem would be no one would want to leave the pleasure planet.

I'm constantly amazed at the lack of curiosity and memory around me.  I remember all sorts of facts and figures others forget.  There's so much I want to forget and I can't.  I think we come here to test and expand out limits.  If not, limits would be the same for everyone but they are not. 

That's why most people are limited.  They live with and within agreed upon conditions.  That's why I don't fit.  I can't not see the elephant in the living room or that the emperor is naked and has no new clothes.  If I could I would.  It actually causes me physical pain to try to accept a lie.  I think it's simply a condition of aspergers.  MY LIMIT!!

It hurts to be alone.  Our bodies and spirits are wired for the herd.  Grex.  The security of the herd keeps fear at bay.   People who live in horrible company are just afraid of being alone.  Silent Unity is the only place with the only people capable of unconditionally supporting me in prayer.  No egos involved. 

My depression is warranted.  If I weren't depressed I be schizoid.  I have valid reasons for feeling depressed.  I have a shitty family.  I had a shitty childhood. 

I can have a Happy second childhood.  I can work if I want.  I can do what I want when I want.  I can have wonderful friends.

Each new accurate realization I make is painful and releases a feeling of expanded freedom. 
I find this a fascinating planet. 

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

DEEP CLEANSING SIGH-watching a train wreck in slow motion

Sept 5 was the 12th anniversary of dad's death.  The anticipation was physical.  My body started tensing up.  Thankfully I have meds to balance out the chems.  Three times I carried him to Kaiser emergency.  Two days after he fractured his spine, when he bled in his brain, the week he died.

He complained for months about carrying the duffle bag for their senior gambling junkets so I suggested each have their own bag.  Mit even bought them smaller matching bags.   No good for him.  He'd rather complain. So he heaved it up on the escalator rail and proceeded to fall trapped on the escalator.  The steps fractured his spine.  When they returned home,  I  suggested we go to emergency to get x-rays just to be on the safe side but he insisted the casino doctor said he was fine when he signed the release form..  Two days later he was in excruciating pain, couldn't walk and needed to go to Kaiser in the middle of the night, of course. 

He refused to do anything the doctors and physical therapists requested and got worse and worse, relying more and more on vicodin pain pills.  He'd take the pills and re-injure himself.  He wouldn't feel it until the pills started to wear off and then the pain was much worse compounded.  My mother refused to do anything.  She was so conditioned to let him do whatever he wanted.

So a few months later the cumodin for his thick blood caused bleeding in his brain.  Mom woke me at 4am to take him to the bathroom saying she couldn't lift him.  The rightside of his body was paralyzed.  I calmly told Mom to back the car out of the garage.  I loaded him into the front seat and we went again to Kaiser in the middle of the night

He was whisked up to Redwood City Kaiser for emergency brain surgery.  Respite for a week.  The saddest holidays ever.

Then in Aug 99 Ail started stirring the pot.  She took mom to reno for two days and was going to sneak away like the snake she is so I told dad like an adult.  He was upset as she expected and desired.  She talked him into going to acupuncture knowing his fear of needles.  Then it was the chiropractor.  My tried and true chiropractor wasn't acceptable or maybe too effective.  She had me drive him to Almaden Valley on Tues. to someone recommended by someone she knew and was trying to impress.  When she wanted me to take him again two days later, because the doc was going on vacation, I refused because his pain was so intense he was awake and moaning and crying begging for his pills to end it all.  Ail convinced Mit to take him on Thursday.  I took him to emergency in the middle of the night fri/sat and he died early Sun morning 9*5*99.

Mit said she killed him.  Actually Ail was responsible.  Mit was just the tool.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

I'm shaking in my boots-if I was wearing boots.

7/21/11-I can't believe how freaky life is.  Just read that a woman was killed next door to Rick's.  June 5.  This year. 
I was clearing up my exalted emails and happened across one dated June and could hardly believe it, so I looked it up on the SJMN archives and WOW!!!

Too weird for me.  I've been debating going to the wedding reception and shivers......

I was going to write of my feelings over this weed abatement and feeling abandoned by my family.  This is soo much weirder than my family.

7/23/11-Tomas wanted me to go to the reception at their house and I didn't want to go knowing they are not MY friends.  Tomas is the only friend I have.  He is my twin in some ways.  Friend to the world but the world is not my friend.  He came and helped me last Sat before going on vacation; a car trip to see his people.  I booked him Santa Fe Worldmark.

And this morning coming here my check engine light is on.  I've never had one before.  My old cars were old.  So I drove past the carlos car repair garage and no one  there.  He takes Saturdays off.  Maybe I'll call Togami's.  

Called eric and he said to meet him in half hour.  Took me that long to get there.  He had other cars he was working on so I ate my lunch and waited.  After a couple hours he said he adjusted a few things and to get a boat engine cleaner additive.  I went to kragen's on the way home and added it the next fill up.

So far, so good.