Friday, December 2, 2011

alone-all one

Feeling low, I'm feeling sad.  Thinking of contacting for home repairs I can't do or pay for.  Depressing to remember Mit saying I'm living here so I have to do it myself.  I still feel sad neither one of my sisters saw fit to help our parents.  They insisted on pretending our parents were fine.  DENIAL!!!  The odd thing is they insist I'm the one rejecting them because I'm physically unable to meet their demands.  They come to me offering help and support and refuse to help.  Of course, I'm feeling depressed.

I think the only thing will satisfy them is my death and if I could I would.  My living reminds them how little they did and the fact mom and dad are dead.

I guess they're still living in a state of fantasy.  Believing they can pretend the world into being what they want.  Believing the world is as they wanted it.  I know there are many improvements I would make.  Maybe they're just better at accepting the world the way it is and want to keep it unchanged.  Yes, I do believe they prefer the world to remain the same.  Explains their refusal to accept our parents aging and becoming more and more frail.  And mom and dad insisting everything was alright and how I do the same even though I can't sit up without my back brace without getting sick to my stomach and screwing up my digestion.  So I'm just living in my own fantasy. 

I've had so many experiences of seeing things others somehow don't.  Going to a friend's house to go out to dinner and he and his son have tiled and ripped out the tub area 3 times.  I look at it and can see the walls are slanted, not squared so the tiles will never come out even as it is.  They are amazed and I don't understand how they can't see what's in front of their faces. 

And what shall I do?  Well, I'm working diligently on changing myself.  I've stopped nicotine.  Since July. Six months now.  Something I've had in my body since b4 I was born.  The stress and anxiety have been intense.  Sugar free mints and mantras.  Healthy, happy, wealthy.  Healthy, happy, wealthy.  Healthy, happy, wealthy.  I have had fleeting moments of joy.  Something I've never experienced b4.  I know manic. Panic. Frantic. Hysteria.  I know a lot.  Joy is bliss.  Without time, pressure, or toxic residue.  Leaving one in peace.  Filled full.  Not tired.  Just quietly being.  Satisfied in the moment.

Snap out of it now has specific reprogramming exercises.  I must practice as much as I can.  Go Susan!!!!  Hurray!!!!

Brian Kim called and took me to lunch.  Maybe we should do something honoring George around the 21st.  He was so gracious to include me in driving to LA for G's memorial service in Jan 2009.  Or we can do something in Jan as another memorial.  I'll suggest it.  Eric T too.  I wonder if Brian knows others who'd want to meet?  Been thinking of George Hirai.  His third deathiversary 12-21.  I was so sick then.  Physically I'm better, so I guess emotionally I'm better too.  Can our spirit change?  Hey, George now you know there is life after death.

Dr. Adrianne Ahern is right.  I do feel better after writing.  Snap out of it now states alpha waves can be generated consciously and suggests specific activities to reduce stress and focus on the present.

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