Tuesday, December 30, 2014

DREAM-Unity's daily word

I had a most pleasant lucid dream.  J. Hadley in beautiful store(?).  She gives me long necklace and earrings in fine silver(white gold?), 6mm pearls, and crystals.  She says they're mine.  For me. 

Thought I'd lost a car key.  It was clipped to my fleece shirt.  I took the shirt off and remembered after I looked all over the car and the ground.  I hate when I scare myself.  Such a Bad Habit.

Forgot to bring cranberry sauce.  Yesterday EM gave me a can with orders to bring some cut up today.  Went to Fresh & Easy and found fresh with orange so I was going to bring that and forgot it.  I put it out and forgot to bring it.  I was going to put it in an insulated bag and got distracted.

The story of my life is a series of distractions.  I just have to believe the perfection.  Or surrender My disbelief. 

I was starting to worry about not receiving my new Daily Word.  I renewed online last month.  Was going to call and there it was in the mail.

Got a letter from Union Bank warning of inactivity and I tried my ATM successfully!!  Hurray for Susan!!!  Read something that said affirmations are more effective in the second person. 

I'm still only semi-literate on the computer. Oh, well there is always next year.

Tomas mentioned the PowWow New Year's Eve.  Yes, I want to go!!


Thursday, December 25, 2014

Still Paranoid after all these years

Still feeling the universe is out to get me.  All those 18 childhood and 20 adult years caring for negative, abusive, toxic parents and siblings take so much energy to expunge.

No wonder I feel exhausted.  Constantly reprogramming the feelings that surface.  I am infinitely grateful I'm feeling and dealing.

So the subconscious is out in the open.  And scary as the Bogey man is  I'm a capable, strong adult now.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

still Feeling vulnerable

After having best birthday ever, realizing the only reason they didn't give me up for adoption was he was afraid I'd have a better life than him, I'm waiting to be punished by them or worse, punishing myself simply from constantly being habituated.

Story of Robert from Goodwill, client who after a lifetime of childhood abuse, threw himself down a flight of stairs when his life was going too good.  Breaking his leg and sustaining various and sundry wounds and contusions.

I'm terrified of being that creature of habit.

I've worked sooo HARD to reprogram and I'm so afraid to do the wrong thing.  I'm working so hard to reinforce positive, healthy behavior I'm feeling exhausted just trying to keep up with every day maintenance.