inner peace

I'm not perfect i'm practicing.  I keep writing and it disappears.  I don't know.  i'm saving and updating and it disappears.  

bad reaction

as I empty my car I release memories.  my baggage.  the only safe place to store my memories and keep them mine.   the house and garage are full of the family traditions of depression, alcohol and suicide.  it's painful, debilitating, and exhausting.  

i'm mourning auntie 3/10/24, uncle 3/21/17, Eric 6/13/17.  every death brings back the pain.  the loss.

I still don't know where or why the blog disappears.  

it disappeared

I wonder where it goes.  if all the words end up somewhere.

I was too close to the prickly pear and tore off the cover on the left mirror.  I parked on the side and managed to carefully put the plastic back.  the electronics worked.  I went to lucky's for free Gatorade tablets and good nature healthy tea.  $13.50.  

lunch was good.  fish.  Toki, Fred, Mike.  I went to Carlos' and asked about gaps in hood.  new front end and hood.  headlights so shiny.  he glued side mirror.  

home I started taking things from back seat and trunk.  I'm using fabric wheel barrow.  5 years collecting.  

football draft on TV early bed.  

seniors 7:30

driving used to be a privilege, a pleasure.  the number of cars, the terrible drivers make it work.

I soaked hour and half.  lunch tiny company great.  Toki, Fred, Melvin, Albert, Elizabeth, Mike, Florence and hubby, Andy.  

went to sprouts bought celery bites 99, dinner sandwich 1.99, giant purple artichoke 99.  considered doing banking, nah.

home 1:30.

mekennon 7:05 am

I missed 3 calls from Carlos yesterday my car is ready.  he suggested having Pedro drop it off at home.  I prefer senior center or Carlos garage.  I offered Carlos $100 to test drive and arrange pick up.  I have my check book with me.   

after many phone calls and much anxiety Carlos picked me up in my car.  home 2:30.  I paid him $100 check he didn't want to take I insisted.  I left Pedro's $2000 check and told Carlos $500 more not according to notes and conversations 3/20 and 3/26.  Pedro cashed $500 and $120 checks 4/10.

jane gave me syrup and cookie.  I sat with her waiting for Carlos.  

I've become my mother

I'm afraid to drive.  well, afraid to be hit.  after all this time.  considering her abusive brother, i witnessed him brutalizing my cousins, it makes sense and it's what i learned.  I didn't want to be like the family.  I chose not to brutalize others.  her fear was karma.  

Mekennon to seniors and maybe cup.  nope, he cancelled, Marissa to cup and Kuben home.  lots of movies 2 bags full.  

Lhosa gave me 5 onion bagels so sweet, more added sugar than onion.  great dessert.  I've eaten 3.  

my legs, hips, feet ache.  I'm so stiff and sore.  

one thing at a time

i walked to nob hill 6:30.  no deli salad so i bought 2 chili verde and 1 star EVOO.

 Marissa driver I'm feeling alone.  she finally came.  she helps me putting my cart in the trunk.  melvin offered to drive home after gym.  ok.

my county is 1 overdue, 9 movies by 26th to pick up.  mission movies by 25th.  

bartolo called to announce he's back.  he said he was back to work fry day.  

i was still hungry after lunch i made eggs and spam rice.  childhood comfort food 3 pm.  4 pm nap attack.  or sugar.  

my day of rest

I'm watching the movies I couldn't while caring for the family.  it's been so weird doing whatever I want.  the hardest part is knowing what I want.  it was always about them.  getting, doing for them.  

I walked to nob hill

takes 10 minutes to walk and I looked at everything and filled 2 water bottles.  I bought chips and the cutest liquor samples $1 ea.  an hour well spent.  huh, auto update is working.  stopped working at all.

heated castle burgers ate turnip w/teriyaki slept 3 hours.  I never thought i'd live this long.  

hopper time Kueenthiran

Mekennon  home maybe.  I called for ride to arrive 12:34 pm now on checking status time arrival is 1:04 pm.  1:11 pm Tiron.  I was so tired.  I shared half of Fred's rice crispy treat, too much sugar.  

I called Peter/Pedro about my car.  I think he said next week.  I asked Carlos to verify.

i'm tired of driving.  57 years driving is a long time.  65 years cooking is boring.  eating is still fun.

healing depression playing

torture stomach ache.  2001 agony.  all the muscles ripped up.  I ate a bach rescue pastille from sprouts, pain subsided after half hour of total rest.  I'm mobile again.  

i'm watching '10 things i hate about you' a modern 'taming of the shrew'.  brilliant.  I love Shakespeare.  iambic pentameter.  the 'course in miracles'.  

i was talking to Dave in the warm tub about the 'course'.  

Mekennon driver to and Melvin home after Patel market.  I bought tomato and raw almonds.  I forgot eggs/onions spoiled.  cutest mini mangoes and pears.

reborn again-Danilo driver to, Ramon home.

I woke, stretched, a whole new me.

i'm planning my walk to mission to pick up 3 holds, drop off mail post office.  walking shoes and sun hat.  I took an hour to enjoy the walk.  I mailed cap one.  I checked out the stores.  very relaxing.  when I go and come home early my rides are better.  less stress.

i'm just realizing how stressful my life has been.  no wonder i've been pre diabetic and borderline high pressure.  my family tradition is high pressure.  

marie-font resets-marie driver am/hernan pm big new bus

I tubed with Brian.  He resents Biden from 1991 credit card changes that's keeping him stuck.  

i'm collecting my printer paper and researching maps.  everything I wrote yesterday disappeared.  If I don't update it eventually vanishes.  I don't care.  

I washed the upstairs so dirty computer keyboard.  I'm listening to healing and relaxing.  calmer than I've ever been.

lunch good potato fish, pasta added lemon and amino.  

20 minutes to hopper pick up at 1:50.  lots of time to consider my life.  I've bought so much food stockpiled that i'm using now.  

nap attack 4-6 pm.

so early-kueenthiran driver-verdana font

another new driver.  keeps going to smaller font.  verdana.

fred gave me a new mariner's (?) windbreaker with inside pockets and zippers.  

i'm amazed

I feel ok.  I'm not sore today.  my legs ok and my feet a little tender.   I wonder if it's the double vitamin d?  i'm concentrating on self care.  I feel like running away.  

I finally cooked an omelet with the bits of onion from senior lunches.  topped with 2 slices cheese.  I'm cooking white castle and Tina burritos.  tiny foods.  big salad.  

I decided to sort, measure and mark my zippers.  my lime green rain jacket zipper broke yesterday.  I wore it under my short sleeve fishing shirt.  I had one 28.5 inch zipper.  took maybe an hour to replace.  woo hoo!!  I used big stitches in case I have to reuse it on something else.  way easier than I expected.  

brilliant-mekenna driver

i walked to nob hill in the sprinkles, asked and received 2 white castle cheeseburgers, salad, chips, clearance oregano chatted with Meme.  

my brain is better on twice the vit D.  trip planning to the Sunny library I first thought of lucky's and the gym then Starbucks and Denny's next to 22 bus every 15 minutes.  The driver gave me a free ride.  smooth to Pastoria.  I walked to library, returned, picked up, rested at puzzle table.  astronaut show.  biting 50 cold dark.  $1 seniors to Lawrence.  thought about b king.  another day.  walked big lots then lucky's picked up free Texas bbq sauce and 4 Tina burritos 59 cents ea.  walked to gym 50 o dark.  decided to walk home.  half hour wait for ride.  same time.  I wore the wrong boots.  next time hiking.  home 12:45 famished I ate cheeseburger slider feet swelled.  ate green chili meat bean burrito, salad poppy dressing while watching 'heaven is for real.'  heavenly.

3 i'm ready for my nap.

tam on time

I walked to nob hill 2 dozen eggs, sliced cheese, white castle chicken sliders dinner.  $12.88.  

I called hopper 7:26.  the earlier the fewer delays.  I'm printing free Google map transportation options.  much better pictures than VTA.  

i love Janey.  a sweetheart.  after everyone left she sat in the fireplace room and i waited with her for bingo.  melvin came by i caught a ride.  i'm feeling tired and sleepy.  probably allergies.  I cooked a chicken slider, and set out lettuce for spam salad.    I fell asleep and missed 'people...'  

I got pots ready for allergy plant starters.  it's predicted to rain.  

I fell asleep and missed the bonus wheel prize puzzle.  fought to stay awake bed 9:30.

finally met mekenna driver.

I called 7:05 am.  7:30 pick up became 40.  he's cancelled so many times.  

I swam and looked up bus schedules in computer room.  simpler free printer 10 pages/day.  yahoo!!  I printed 2 bus maps.  

lunch ok.  good company Toki, Fred, Jane, 2 strangers.  I got tired of sitting at table 10 so I moved us to table 4.  weird tasting zucchini.  Jane and Toki were talking about big sale at target.  Jane was going after lunch I asked she took me.  I followed her around and bought sale raw sunflower seeds.   then she brought me home.  she's so personable and relaxing.  i'm feeling so relaxed and sleepy.  

tam 8:30

whew!  I swam .  i'm hot already.  projected 81 o.  I brought Jane's roller just in case.  I'm feeling pretty good.  lunch good.  gave Jane roller and instructions.

Melvin offered a ride if I want to wait after he exercises.  sure.  i'm resting for riding the bus.

i'm ready to live

I spent my life living the family program.  2001 I was ready and willing to die.  the family tradition of suicide prepared me for my train wreck of my dysfunctional family.  9/5/99 my dad refused medical advice and '01 mom stopped her meds.  passive suicides.  her daughters she trained so thoroughly in being cold heartless money grubbers lived down to her expectations and refused her.  she reaped what she sowed.

every family is dysfunctional.  the experiences of 25-10 even 5 years ago are less relevant in the fast changing world today.  the materially successful person recognizes the shape of things and adapts it to their advantage.  

I called Peter/Pedro 10:14 'got the check waiting on parts'.  gas is over $5/gal.  i'll definitely keep using transportation.

lunch ok.  Andy, Toki, Fred, Jane, great lunch companions.  talked to Elizabeth so self deprecating.

skull headache

power outage half hour no distractions from constant pain.  an hour off I massaged my neck and right skull.  no distractions.

to seniors t iron actually showed up.  lunch Andy, Trudy, Kenny, Toki, Thomas, Fred, Mike.  full table.  

going home no t iron or ashley.  after an hour luys.  we'll see.  home by 6:30.  

i walked to nob hill

 i'm embracing where i am right now and researching riding the bus.  

i'm so much better

i just spent 2 1/2 hours looking for the spot.  i put it on the pillow next to me.  when i looked for it to charge i couldn't find it.  i looked everywhere, over and over.  i finally looked in heal my life nothing for confusion dizziness had "i am deeply centered and peaceful in life.  i am safe to be alive and joyous."  i wrote it out 3 times and remembered i sorted and filled my supplement container for next week.  sure enough it had fallen into my vitamin box.  relief.  attention deficit from autism nothing surprises me for long.  

and i'm ok.  i didn't strain my back.  not driving is the best.

watching 'tenth kingdom' miniseries i realize the evil, cruel, vicious mother is the rule and the good kind mother the exception.

i haven't stayed up to watch saturday night live in years.  kristen wiig.  

danilo/ hernan became marissa/ ramon home

it's great to have reliable drivers who show up.  i showered forgot my flips and forgave myself.  the air conditioner was set at arctic at the puzzle table, nurses kept their doors closed.  i finally used hair dryer.

i was telling elizabeth about tylophora indica for allergies and asthma used in india for 3000 years.  she asked if i got it from indian market.  i never thought of it.  i found the info at whole foods.

marie nob hill rest

we bought clearance.  she liked my store.  

i checked my cap one.  hopper charges me $1 when i cancel.  they don't pay me when they cancel.

kushy--joanne- jane st just lunch/bingo april 14

joanne came on time but as a different driver.  I DON'T KNOW.  we had a lovely conversation about my hopper experiences.  and today auto update.  i found out waving cursor over icon updates.  no clicking needed.  wow i love it. 

1 pm ramon driver home.  lunch was ok.  chicken tasteless i'll add flavor at home.  was 1:15 new arrival time 1:30.  so i'm checking tv, weather.  ramon couldn't activate the electric car, he had dispatch connect it.  must be solar storm static interference.  

bartolo called late for money.  leaving tomorrow for wedding return the 20th.  so friday $5 safeway salad by hopper.  banking any day.  

ahhh...danilo-marie ex-MAIL PICKED UP

uneventful pick up.  hurrah!!  i quite appreciate the peace and calm.  marie is his ex.  i do love some people.  they're good people.  it's easy to pray for pleasant people.

mail wasn't picked up this a m.  try, try again.  you only fail when you stop trying.

hopper messed up address santa clara st. not fremont.  oh, well.  i dreamed i was driving my car.  i was ok.

no internet no blog

carlos called 12:34 pedro needs money for parts.  i offered to write a check pedro didn't want to come to center.  i mailed it from home with life ins.