Tuesday, December 30, 2014

DREAM-Unity's daily word

I had a most pleasant lucid dream.  J. Hadley in beautiful store(?).  She gives me long necklace and earrings in fine silver(white gold?), 6mm pearls, and crystals.  She says they're mine.  For me. 

Thought I'd lost a car key.  It was clipped to my fleece shirt.  I took the shirt off and remembered after I looked all over the car and the ground.  I hate when I scare myself.  Such a Bad Habit.

Forgot to bring cranberry sauce.  Yesterday EM gave me a can with orders to bring some cut up today.  Went to Fresh & Easy and found fresh with orange so I was going to bring that and forgot it.  I put it out and forgot to bring it.  I was going to put it in an insulated bag and got distracted.

The story of my life is a series of distractions.  I just have to believe the perfection.  Or surrender My disbelief. 

I was starting to worry about not receiving my new Daily Word.  I renewed online last month.  Was going to call and there it was in the mail.

Got a letter from Union Bank warning of inactivity and I tried my ATM successfully!!  Hurray for Susan!!!  Read something that said affirmations are more effective in the second person. 

I'm still only semi-literate on the computer. Oh, well there is always next year.

Tomas mentioned the PowWow New Year's Eve.  Yes, I want to go!!


Thursday, December 25, 2014

Still Paranoid after all these years

Still feeling the universe is out to get me.  All those 18 childhood and 20 adult years caring for negative, abusive, toxic parents and siblings take so much energy to expunge.

No wonder I feel exhausted.  Constantly reprogramming the feelings that surface.  I am infinitely grateful I'm feeling and dealing.

So the subconscious is out in the open.  And scary as the Bogey man is  I'm a capable, strong adult now.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

still Feeling vulnerable

After having best birthday ever, realizing the only reason they didn't give me up for adoption was he was afraid I'd have a better life than him, I'm waiting to be punished by them or worse, punishing myself simply from constantly being habituated.

Story of Robert from Goodwill, client who after a lifetime of childhood abuse, threw himself down a flight of stairs when his life was going too good.  Breaking his leg and sustaining various and sundry wounds and contusions.

I'm terrified of being that creature of habit.

I've worked sooo HARD to reprogram and I'm so afraid to do the wrong thing.  I'm working so hard to reinforce positive, healthy behavior I'm feeling exhausted just trying to keep up with every day maintenance.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Sometimes(frequently) it doesn't feel like it's getting better

There's so much I'd like to change.  Consideration for all.  My house.  Which I'm doing in tiny increments.  I suppose the better to fully experience life. 

I guess this blog is the first step I took to have my life look, feel, and taste the way I choose.


I'm doing it without the awareness I'm doing it.

Thursday, September 4, 2014


Got four phone calls two days ago from fraudster claiming to be robot officer Julie Smith from the IRS so I called IRS and listened to the recording and went on the IRS website which referred me to FTC so I filed complaint with them. 


Number fraudster called from 415-251-7134.

Evelyn said they use disposable phones.  She had call, contacted IRS, they said she had no taxes or problems with her account so she tried calling the scam number and it was already cancelled.

Was feeling excellent, Uncle Dickie sent me caramel macadamia candies.  I've been able to do something everyday since Aug. 4.

Dr. Fari keeps calling and I keep telling them Oct. is 6 months from Apr.
They just want money.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

I don't want to,I don't have to do anything=HEAVEN

I'm having my terrible two's today.  St. Nicholas rummage today and tomorrow or library.

I didn't know what to do today.  Feeling so tired from driving CJ to Fremont Monday.  Been napping nearly every day this week.  In fact I napped this morning.  Still able to do my senior thang. 

So at 930 I decided to come here to Northside Library for the official opening at 1030.  The google directions were WRONG.  Drove up and down Agnew Rd. looking and decided to just check out the shopping center and the library was at one end.

So I got my book bags and checked out the freebies.  Charged my phone and ate my lunch in my car.  75 * day here on the bay.

Heaven here.

Learned how to change the language again.
Go to Google page lowest right corner to change language.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Lovely Cool 7*1**14 tuesday

Started coughing, took a blog-break.  Got a drink of h2o and saw squash in the patio.  Woo Hoo!!

Found two pennies on table.  Doesn't take a lot to make me feel blessed. 

Still basking in the glow of Thursday 6*26 trip to Cache Crk. 

Best trip Ever!!!

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Still struggling to get out of terrible two's too

Now I know I'm still getting the two's out of my body.  Started using organic cigs a month ago and I'd forgotten the detox blues.   

I felt like sitting and crying today.  In actual fact, that's what mom and dad did their entire lives.  Refused to admit the truth, lived in denial and finally died of it. 

Everyone dies of something.  I choose to die of happiness.  We have choice.    

Maybe that was God's gift.      

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Well, happy death day mom

I'm getting over the hurt.

She owes me Big Time.  She picked on me to satisfy her sadism and power issues.  I was the scapegoat that allowed the others to live subnormal lives.  If she had been halfway smart she would have looked for a viable, sensible, not lazy way to function.

You chose to dysfunction because you were too lazy and stupid, yes mom, you were stupid to just look to your own comfort.  Having children is a responsibility that you volunteered for.  You had the option to let me go to possibly a better life and you listened to dad, the alcoholic, who you forced to move to California.  You were in charge and you failed.  You didn't trust him with the money yet you let him make stupid investments.  What was wrong with you?

You used us to ensure dad stayed with you because he was too lazy to rebel against his family.  You knew he'd stay with you as long as there were kids.  Then when we were all grown up, he was too lazy to leave. He never would have left you.  He was always a coward and a bully.

Read today's paper.  Josie died last Thursday the eighth.  Tomas and Della drove past and saw the cars on that day. They commented.   Another user.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Mission Library attempt-king&queen-makes me royalty

I tried to get into my account Tuesday because a heat wave was due and blogger was set in dutch.  Parked at mission library in the shade. So not trusting the portal, and after trying to reset the language for forty minutes at two different terminals I quit and notified the librarian.

So today I'm celebrating that yesterday was queen of denial's b-day and I didn't stress.  I didn't realize what day it was until I went to write in my journal.  Then I tried to remember what was "special" about it.  I'm the product of the king of the passive-aggressive and Cleopatra.  

I'm the Empress of Karaoke.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Terrible two's

I've been having more flashbacks of childhood depression.  From the outside the family probably looked dysfunctionally normal, since most families are dysfunctional. 

Maybe my aspergers resulted in my depression.