new month terrors

no idea what it's about.  

finally saw brian jackson as i was leaving seniors.  school is good he looked great.  i finished cat and azalea puzzle.  

noon at main stopped at st just picked up black lace shirt.  charity insisted i take lunch.  saw sidney gave him all my cookies and hot cheetos.  parked under main 'til closed 2 pm not ready for home stopped @ 2 yard sales nothing i wanted.  stopped nob hill mimi from seniors gym desk working came said hi.  sunny vale library queer taiko too loud for me i can listen from puzzle table.  finished one 5 pm.  driving home so tired i suddenly realized tomorrow sun day not today.  extra day to rest.  i did so much.

nothing on tv bed 7:30 continuing witch mountain series.  escape to 1975, return from 1978, beyond made for tv 1982, race to 2009. 

weather unsettled and so am i

i didn't charge chrome since i wasn't using, 1% turned itself off.  first thing 4:30 plugged in.  6 am went to 24 for internet, loaded lucky's free coke 20 oz y 3000.  coke of the future.  if it sells.  i'm happy.  i didn't win bingo i won food lottery.  sophia gave me veg, fruit cups i shared with toki, kept cake and 2 more sandwiches.  alex, salome late.  j susan sat with us.  hilde waited so late with extra no one wanted.  i took patty only, no more meal, not too good.  

ladies asked to sit my table mistake too talkative the whole time.  only good they left early.  older white privileged bitch asked me to watch her cards, no i have enough to do watching my own.  the nerve.  her younger white friend suggested she put some back, no she didn't want to.  big spoiled baby.  

i like no internet.  so quiet.  tomorrow pool.  then i remembered to charge my phone.  looked in car, shirt, bags, finally found it in house catch all bin.

ken jennings ruined jeopardy

i watched half of celebrity, z list people so dumb i couldn't watch.  i waited for celebrity wheel.  ken jennings picks remarkably stupid people i think to feel superior.  he acts like it.  he's provided all the answers so how he feels smart i don't know.  alex trebek was humble not ken.  

pat respects his contestants.  his celebrities tried to win and not compete to be the funniest.  

they couldn't love me

they'd have to admit they were broken.  they pretended they were perfect and the rest of the world specifically me was broken.  the price of being here is insanity.  to be otherwise is to risk crucifixion.  

so much left over lunch.  no one liked the cold hard omelet.  too much spinach and cole slaw with egg.  quarter less diners tons thrown away.  weird a piece of bread with jelly no butter.  and the heels left in a bag on menu table.  

                       

life is a spiral

 ever moving upward.  seems like we're stuck repeating but we're one rotation above.  

4 pm sunny.  i already picked up cup and it wouldn't check out i asked they clean the disc took a few looked like new.  found 2 possible puzzles for seniors.  funny i don't mind turning in spot.  i used to feel deprived.  now i just feel it's right.  i don't want to own one.  i scored 4 bookmarks.  2 metal, plastic car hologram, hp raven claw.  tygj.

early start

for years i woke early in pain and couldn't sleep so i'd wait for seniors to open at 7.  i had a hard time walking and needed to be sure i didn't make it more difficult.  i habituated myself then covid came and changed everyone's pattern.  some people reverted to the old behaviors so fires changed more patterns.   

happiness is knowing what you need and getting it-onigiri

nothing to do but rest.  games won't play website problem.  free from distractions.  i watched some jackie chan.  i have half a dozen movies.  interesting interview.  he was #1 in china for a long time and coming to hollywood humbled him.  took me 15 minutes looking for shoe supports.  i need all the support i can get.  

i'm cooking everything today.  working in gilroy i cooked sundays for the week, freezing everything.  i'm cooking drums twice not falling off the bone.  i like it very well done.  i'm nuking sweet potato prepped sale 99 cents for 15 0z.  delicious with chick.  

i tried one of the hazelnut croissants, has chocolate filling.  i wonder peanut butter.  

onigiri-triangle rice ball.  i never knew the name before.

must be lack of oxygen

still smoky bad air alert.  i swam at seniors feeling depressed.  exercise best solution.  decided i wanted to checkout sprouts.  great clearance specials.  $12.46 for 2 breads, juice, 2 vinegar chips, hazelnut croissants 2-25 cent singles, bear claws, beets.  

main library closed i went to st just, i needed a smile from the pantry lady.  gloria wanted bell peppers and cantaloupe whew.  everything i'm allergic to.  i kept chips and crackers, eggs, 3 bags of pasta etc.  under library garage parking still closed i came home.

strange pains in my right ear and left hip.  i did a lot of reorganizing.  i cleared 2 reorganized plastic bins for pantry foods.  transferred pocket fabrics to veg box.  took me 15 minutes to open over stuffed kitchen drawer.  whisks jammed.  i slept for 3 hours after a sandwich and chips lunch.  felt stiff but better.  

i slept through.

i loaded freebies and weekend coupons.  i kept trying to load them and realized i had to wait for the weekend.  picked up freebies walked store it's all exercise.  seniors 8 am first spot.  good for bingo.  thought of phone forgot to charge, zero shut itself off.  charged everything discovered plug by scales.  lack of oxygen exhausting.  another air alert.  13 messages.

lunch diane monopolized conversation couldn't figure out how to load freebies to her smart phone so i talked her through it.  did she thank me, no.  gloria collusion no loyalty.  eh, it is what it is.  gloria wants her own account her sisters are shutting her out according to her.  maybe because she's disloyal.  sophia brought me 2 sandwiches, 2 vienna sausages, cookies i gave to alex.  beans and rice i'll give back to pantry.  salome likes to make fun of the rubber bands i use for leftovers.  oh, well too good for her.  like diane.

bingo i won first game almost black out for crazy kite.  snack bar $5.  played lots of numbers not right bingo.  annoying woman on puzzle table plays fry bingo.  helped gerde load the walker into her car.  so brave.

coming home early and resting my back helps a lot.  i brought in some water, i'm finally using large wipes to clean my feet.  aloe vitamin e.  cleared space for st just pantry.  i have a lot of water bottles in the trunk.

lunch good

i puzzled first to soothe myself, i'm missing toki.  so i talked to inge and art.  no cody bookmobile bad air.  i swam 10 am.  such luxury.  

most excellent

home at 6:50 pm from the senior center.  swam, lunched, picked up last extra lunch.  puzzled upstairs walter showed up with minnie.  talked or a bit.  told him about dementia documentary at 5.  noon when i tried to register griselda told me i was too late, no dinner.  eh, i had extra lunch.  he left, hadn't eaten lunch.  he came back for film.  lots of panera veg sandwiches i took one to toki.  

rocky road snickers so good

i ate the whole thing and i could eat the second one.  i ate cheese instead.  better for blood sugar and vision.  

lunchtime

i'm hungry!  i swam, i puzzled and this afternoon i want to pay pge and buy clearance m&m at prune.  lunch ok company great.  toki always remembers comics 4 me.  alex so brave.  diane ate with us.  eddie took his left early.  randall made an excuse and sat at next table, tom sat with us.

i sat in class 1:30-3 on avoiding falls and bingo exercise.  everyone got a gift.  i chose a bag and pill/band aid box.  i bought 3 peanuts and 2 chips ahoy reeses' pieces.  6 monopoly tickets.  Walmart i stood in line 20 minutes to pay p gas.  checked clearance.  clerk checked prices on app downloaded to his smart phone anyone can use.  hmm...  might be the best argument to get one.  charcoal starter $6, cuisinart silicone oven mitt $4, $2-2 almond snickers, .74 pecan pie.  home 5 pm no traffic.  

bed 9 pm.

best sleep

i watered starter plants, ate senior lunch leftovers for b'fast, still lots left.  i'm celebrating me.  most of my life i've been either abused or neglected.  i don't allow that treatment anymore from anyone to anyone and i'm rejoicing.  

i went to cup library 10 am cut off from first space.  went around to park in shade looked for asian woman who took my spot.  picked up my requests didn't find woman.  went to gym to shower undecided on sunny lib.  i decided lucky's gym and store.  talked to ginny from seniors.  walked entire store bought sale sliced cheese.  one monopoly ticket per sale.  i took my time and decided home by 1 pm.  ate seniors pork rice veg/ live vinegar.  took out garbage bin.  

7:30 nothing on tv to bed.

hey, it works

still insomnia and i have my movies i'm content with bed rest.  the subliminal music is soothing rerouting my brain changing my chemicals so i'm calmer.  i'm blessed.  50 years ago i'd have to suffer.  i can choose to suffer or soothe myself.  everyone can.  you tube is free.  i paid cellular from car.  last saturn day pool closed no motivation so i slept.

i swam, first parking space seniors.  figured out how to turn on upstairs lights.  library book sale 10 am.  book 8th habit, space movie and 2 gary larson cartoon books all for $2.  art and wine festival lovely overcast day from northern fires oregon border.  ate 2 croissants at 11.  i could treat myself.  food booths right below.  but do i want to walk through smokey bbq?  my allergies just settled down i'm wearing mask.  and i know food will be too salty.  i considered st j pantry not today.  i'm relaxing.  i'm watching girls' long black hair.  i was never allowed to enjoy being me.  bbq sauce and wienies.  i want to celebrate me.

maybe festival tomorrow early if still overcast.  

went to lucky's prune ridge for veg 2 packages 99 cents each spinach, saving $6.  $3.93 clearance peanut m&m, 3 bratwurst $1.47 coupon $3 off.  i baked in oven 425-350/40 minutes for crackly skin.  spinach i nuked 20 minutes 20% power.  so sweet good.  i can do spaghetti later.  

i sorted backyard ready ladder to clear gutters.  step by step.  covered in dust and dirt i wiped down.  

i'm on it

i loaded 2 lucky's freebies.  went to L x first water substituted so i checked prune ridge only 6 bottles of hot sauce and clearance moisturizing shampoo $2.  i love shampoos.  on to seniors i showered and puzzled.  i got my ticket and took my towel out gerde showed up.  perfect timing to get her walker.  lovely lunch with gloria.  randall is always man-splaining.  he doesn't listen.  i have to get his attention stopping him during his rants.  lots of leftovers i saw omeed with staff's pizza lunch.  sophia gave me so much veg, 5 lbs frozen chicken, hot dog hamburger buns.  i kept cookies and chips.  toki took veg and frozen chicken no one else wanted.  i left buns they disappeared.  alex accepted some chips and cookies.  

i donated sophia game to bingo.  i won last game chose $5 snack bar gift certificate.  helped gerde with her walker again.  she thanks me.  mom dad never grateful or appreciative.  all my life.  home 3 pm i rested.  

i'm feeling better, calmer

swam late 'cause i paid car insurance talked to jordan at csaa updated mileage.  played puzzle 'til 2:30 then home rest tired already.  maybe my brain is dehydrated.  i've been forgetting my water bottle.  there are lots of fountains but it's not the same.  lunch is generally very salty i drink a lot of water.  

i thanked toki for croissants she left at the door and finally remembered anna may wong quarter we talked about 5? months ago.  

eh

i'm ok-i think

watching gigi and nate at main.  wouldn't play at home.  rested home early nothing on tv lots of bed rest.  

how perfect

put out bin, seniors swam, lunch and puzzle cool and quiet. 

i could sleep forever-double trauma

totally overcast i love it.  it's how i feel inside.  hips back sore right neck sore swollen.  i'm healing.  it requires rest and quiet.  i couldn't tolerate any noise and watched tv with closed captions.  sometimes i still do.  dad death 9/5 and tomorrow 9/11.  still hurts.  

took soup for lunch half b'fast.  p'nut butter cinnamon rolls.  watered allergy starters, put out garbage, cup library 10 o'clock, picked up holds.  upstairs teen checked weather fully charged.  on to fremont gym showered drove around checking development.  so many kids swimming.  walked 150 safeway then sprouts.  willow on sale bought 2 dropped glasses lens popped out i put back.  sampled grapes and chip.  found bakery clearance cherry turnovers.  self check found $5.74.  sunny library best shade opened so i walked up.  puzzle full of dander sneezy so i went to eat lunch no spoon.  ate in car in the shade relaxed back support crucial to comfort.  finished 1 puzzle left 5:30.

decided i wanted salad stopped lucky's talked to ron cosetti.  hasn't gone to taxes.  

kintsugi-happy saturn day

japanese idea imperfections and repairs add value.  kits are sold online.  i'm still absorbing the idea pain is beneficial.  

my body is evolving.  my neck is sore finally loosening.  my hips sore making me tired.  draining my energy.  i organized supplements for the week.  so much house keeping.  in between tasks i'm totally relaxing every muscle.  i'm taking little cat naps.

i set out pots for allergy starters.  i need to keep them watered so they root.  

woke up 1:30 hungry pain free.  made p'nut butter cinnamon rolls.  sliced cooked onion.  potato and carrot later to add to soup.  

i'm watching 'everybody loves raymond'.  i needed humor.  my childhood my family all trauma and drama.  healing, repairing uses lots of energy.

free friday

so hungry i'm eating salty tasteless healthy crackers from sprouts.  good thing i'm full after 2 crackers.  no wonder it says doesn't raise sugar level.  can't eat more than 2 without gagging.  i forgot chicken rice in oven.  i ate chicken and scrambled rice with eggs.  mornings i'm not so hungry.  a little fills me up.  i'll save egg rice for brunch.

sidney assumed i was homeless too because i keep so much in my car.  i keep what i don't want the sisters to steal.  if i leave it they'll steal my heart's desire.  i told him i never was welcome, not my home theirs.  i only ever worked here.  most maybe all homeless share this life experience.  never welcome in a home.  any home.  

i loaded free tru blu.  i'm planning my escape.  that gave me the shivers.  i don't know why.  

went to lucky's for free cheddar cheese crackers and bought 2 dozen eggs 99 cents ea.  monopoly ends soon.  took eggs into gym during shower.  home i ate potato omelet.  

i decided to rest and relax.  

so good to feel

i was denied my childhood.  even the bad can be changed to good if it's felt.  you can't change what you can't acknowledge.  showered @ gym sat considering enjoying being me decided to go pay Citibank.  then 20 minutes early on to sprouts found 6 clearance immune herbs 2 cobb chicken bacon salads mngrs special 99 cents.  $8 total.  score.

seniors late 11 open.  i think just to mess with us.  otherwise why announce 10:50 start time.  toki and salome showed up alex eye doctor.  cody bookmobile waited for us.  3 movies.

my legs feet neck skull hurt like 1972.  so lovely cold in library making me sleepy.  2 new movies.  home 3 pm for salad in trunk.  i remembered i had salad mix from monday.  and jerky.  huge bowl salad.  

healing uses so much energy

went 7 am cost gas.  easy fill up less than 10 minutes.  home and rest my back better.

10 am dollar tree checked for calm, c drop candy 2 brands look the same, taste test.  picked up fun cans and sardines.  $18+.  

air quality fair i have sinus headache.  i am peace filled.  listening to music is wonderful.  eyes burning is not.  seniors 10:50 not opened as advertised.  fish good, sprouts actually cooked.  must be relief cook.  waited no extra.  gave toki pears curry mochi cracker bites.  

sprouts checked clearance, soda so so, another healthy tasteless crackers, i wanted $6.99 beet chips.  bicycle john outside complaining i gave him menu.  found roll blue paint tape.  in car i dropped my shades in store went back walked everywhere found at first register.  whew! tygj.  john energy.  

library bought witch mountain movie.  2 in 1.

found missing peach in fridge. dad's 24th year

unfortunately no good.  i still have 3 ripening in trunk.  finally ate omelet.  organic egg heavy and tasteless.  stomach iffy.  lots of grape c.  

still debating which library.  playing mahjong board jumping.  so annoying.  i could go tomorrow.

wearing tight jeans reminds me the years of support hose after 1972 fall hurt my spine.  holding me together.  i wore girdle too.  x quit his job no discussion just announced it.  so i had to get extra hours.  more torture besides a loveless marriage.  

9:18 sitting in front of sunny waiting to open.  aha, i can puzzle my own at central.   i drove onto monroe and traffic to costco too intense.  i still have over quarter tank.  

i never used to like sitting or walking.  i never knew i could be comfortable like wearing shoes.  mom only bought me one pair a year so my feet hurt shoes never fitting.  no wonder i hated being alive.  i was in constant pain and suffering.  my mom punished me if i complained so i have a problem with that too.  

i'm watching asian wife hand book from her bag to husband like he's a child can't manage to carry his own book to return on his own.  wow.  me and every relationship.  it's what mom knew too.  and she lamented she couldn't have nice things.  description online of their behavior called quiet cutting-subtle undermining.  they made me feel like nothing.  i had no self-esteem.  none. zero.  zip.  

on vacation

my permanent vacation starts today.  i got home from gym and lucky's at 11.  I 'm still so tired and sleepy.  i fell asleep for half hour.  new behaviors.  playing my monopoly.  bought clearance egg potato salad 3 lbs.  green salad mix.  honey mustard dressing.  they don't carry asian sunny select.  maybe saratoga.  

no big bang!!  tv schedule has changed messing with my autism!  

i'm so blessed

i'm lying in bed 8:40 am planning my week.  with the chrome i can check weather and holiday schedules all from the comfort of my bed.  air quality still feels bad.  i can feel it as heaviness.  i suppose i can check online.  says good but feels bad.  i did all of first of month chores in 2 days.  no wonder i feel tired.  and i forgot goli calm candy i sleep deeply.

kelly howell clear windshield effect of subliminal music.  helps us see what's there.  i believe.  henry ford said if you think it is or you think it isn't you're right.  

i'm feeling so relaxed.  i have mornings when i feel strongest to take care of business.  next week is mini vacation.  seniors shut down but library open.  county and sunny open an hour mornings.  

free

daily word.  sprouts since early 17 minutes.  clearance full bakery and back.  sat day the best.  turkey sandwich $3.50 for b'fast.  seniors lovely swim.  left early chase withdrawal star 1 deposit stopped 3 yard sales.  st just pantry closed 'til 5th.  

parked under central.  now i know why my back still bad to keep me from saving the world.  sidney just asked me to drive him to cataract surgery mtn view.  too far.  too much.  i can barely breathe.  time to care for me.  called walter left message if interested.  saw sidney parking suggested heart of valley or nurses info.

hijab girl finished puzzle i sat relaxed.  home 1:30 so tired.  tv and organized bags, ate soup no idea where cherry tomatoes were.  choc cake and cherry pie delicious saving mochi snack for sharing @ senior lunch.

so tired can't stay awake bed 8:30.

pain is exhausting

the tension of keeping it together burns so much energy.  

dad's day coming up.  they're always in my heart and dna.

exercise the only solution.  i always feel better when i stop.  

paid bart.  mailed insurance.