Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Happy leap day.

Still have sniffles.  I'll just give them back.  The old Susan was so persistent in being scrupulous.  And I don't care.  Doesn't seem to affect this experience or my life would be so much better.  I've been wasting time and energy.  Maybe it's been an exercise in focus and concentration.   

Reminds me of the New Adventures of the New Susan....  I am the new Susan.  Now I understand my fascination with the New Adventures of Old Christine.  The show is unfunny, watching barely functioning messed up people navigate through life seemingly doing better than me.  I guess that's what I find so unfunny.  Just a tad jealous. Good looking white people have it the best, the easiest until they age like the rest of us.  Age is the great equalizer. 

God is neutral.

Wow! almost closed out without publishing.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Still don't know-Suffering Growing Pains.OUCH!

What I did last week I don't know but the loading sign was going round and round and I couldn't do a thing with this blog.

Carole Allen suggested something was wrong with the server when I told her all my 3 blogs were locked into loading mode.  Locked and loading. Hmmm.  She's so smart with computers.

I need to get more disciplined.  I've been feeling sooo stressed.  The reprogramming is working and is like growing a new skin.  Like a new baby experiencing growing pains.  No wonder babies cry all the time if there is no one to comfort them.  And why they become stunted, unable to grow to their capacity.  If there is no reassurance this is a very scary world.  If no one encourages them (gives them courage=heart) they curl up and wither.  Their bodies continue growing but their minds and spirits are turned inward in self-protection.  They may look alright on the outside but inside they are stunted.

So the tobacco diversion.  I took bupropion and I feel distanced from my emotions and the world.  I want to be in the world to maneuver and have the human experience.  That's why I'm here.  The tobacco is a natural analgesic.  Just enough damping down the pain and discomfort.   Cigars must be natural, no additives or preservatives.

I've been fending off a cold all week.  Last week everyone coughing, sneezing on the sunny bright days more like allergies all over the puzzle table.  So my immune system lowered from allergies and working in the yard didn't help.  I felt strong like the tiger I am, didn't think of allergies or washing off.  Oh, well live and learn.  Learn!! 

I need to write the science of evolution on Aspergersnextgeneration.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

I still don't know-I'm learning trust

I think I'll spend the rest of my life learning trust.  Know matter how many wonderful miracles happen I can still feel depressed and beaten.  I finished getting dvds and coupons from the newspaper at SV lib and am directed back into the library and notice AA booklet for SC Co mtgs.  I'm tired.  Correction; I feel tired. 

How is feeling related to being?

Friday, February 10, 2012

Dashboard Blues(or Greens)

I still don't know how it works and I don't care.  I won't let it make me blue. 

I prefer greens.  Still don't know what I'm doing and it matters less.  So much of my psychic survival was dependent on knowing or being able to make up a reason for living.  I was always so punished by my family for what I did, said, knew.  I hated living.  Constantly being attacked for everything about me.  Constantly having to validate my existence. 

The lack of criticism and censure is unsettling.  My creation on purpose.  I've constructed a balance in my life between the positive and negative and to have more positives is unnerving.  So I'm a lot uncomfortable.  In every way, on every level.  

And I almost discounted my experience by saying a little uncomfortable.  It's a humongous amount.  I just discovered text color.   A on the strip up there. 

Even having spellcheck on and not having it correct me is making me uncomfortable.

I finally figured out the Dashboard controls the blogs.  And I know Edit is the way to change my blogs and Epiphany-Edit is the way to change my life.

Met Wm.Enrique Walker 5318079.  Don the bus driver's friend, customer, painter...  34 soon to be 35.  Married w/children and a grandchild.  Whew!!  Like Sandy a boon companion.  So that's two.