happy easter my new life

i need guidance more than ever.  i wrote silent unity.  updated my chrome.  i've never been adrift without a car.  i've driven for 57 years.  i was always able to avoid bad drivers.  i've had more close calls and near misses than i can count.  i feel so sad and incapable.  and all my friends are old too.  i don't want to impose.  i know they'd help and we all have our own agendas.  i want to remain as independent as possible.  i'm researching riding the bus.  my next adventure.

my biggest fear is doing the wrong thing

good for me god is all powerful.  my left knee still hurts a lot.  i know i can't do wrong as long as i am thoughtful.  i ask for guidance.  this is the scariest.  i'm old and adrift alone.  all one.  my life is destined to become less until i fade away.  an old soldier.

i suppose this lesson is to lessen my attachments.  so buddhist.  i'm reading my 'happiness becomes you'.

daily word forgiveness

forgetting is not forgiveness.  loving is forgiveness.  we come here to forgive.  the problems are lessons, exercises in self forgiveness.  

i walked to nob hill for chips and salad.  no seniors, closed.  bartolo and adele working in the yard.  he's so bored.  all the -holics.  work, alcohol, sex, food.

yesterday i napped at 4:30 pm, woke 8 pm then slept until 2 am watched movies fell asleep until 7:30 am.  the only thing i did differently i had 4 total beets.  life is stressing me out.  i don't know how people manage the stress.  

feeling anxious-marissa to -mesfin no show to dr.-safir-ashley hopper

heavy rain i finally slept 12-5.  i watched 'all creatures' season 4.

marissa to seniors.  waited half hour called 3 times for anthem transport.

anthem transportation weird only return to seniors not home so i called hopper ashley right on time.

danilo driver to- luys to cup-ashley home

so many ways of penalizing drivers.  besides being charged rental from avis they face fines for late changes to assigned schedules.  there's no human resources to appeal to.  

ramon is demo for hopper presentation from 1-2 pm.  

i want 'all creatures' season 4 ready cup library.  got it.  luys going and ashley home.  

tan my driver to seniors

i called carlos $500 to weld frame so $2500 to fix.  ok.  the $500 check now makes sense.  mailman didn't come sat or yesterday so if mail is still outside i'll walk it over to carlos with a check for him too tomorrow.  

i called bartolo to see how he's doing.  i suddenly remembered castor oil.  i gave him a bottle and some shepherds purse i picked this morning while waiting for hopper.  he picked me up from seniors and drove to sunny.  one hold 'miracle club' i returned all the movies i had.  'holdovers' expired i requested again.  groceries left on patio he took small acorn squash i took can tuna, spam, pb cookie mix.  i do love spam.

toki left me cost co pb cookies not as good as chips ahoy.  probably better i not eat them all at once.  finally got mail.  grocery ads and life insurance.

jury duty again

i went online practicing logging on.  says to call monday after 5 pm.  i suppose i can take a cab.  i can spend all my money.  no one to leave it to.  

i do love playing matlock.  everyone else so seriously serious.  

sat do nothing-sun day rainy

yesterday pedro didn't call so i called 11:27.  i'll mail the tow check no mail pickup.  day spent in thought.   

11 minute walk to nob hill.  i'm prey.  i just realized all my feelings are autistic.  of course i feel like i do.  

marissa to seniors

i booked ramon she said he wasn't coming.  i don't know.  i haven't heard back from carlos yet.  i just keep doing what i know.   one foot at a time.  pedro supposed to come for tow cost check tomorrow.  

i updated wheel and showered.  i started  300 piece wizard of oz puzzle.  no toki at lunch she's meeting friends.  melvin and diane sat at other tables.  fred showed up late.  fun guy.  fungi.  mushroom.  good lunch.  tasty tender beef, peppers, mushrooms, eggplant.  extra fruit cups for me, fred, joshua.

i went upstairs to ponder if i wanted to play bingo.  i went my heart not in it.  i managed my emotions and won cookies.  life is sweet.  

marie-connections-conan? cancelled ride. try paul-to cup and home

marie new driver to me.  her mom died last year she dreamed of her last night.  this is why my car is laid up.  i can connect.  life is all about connections. 

lunch ok toki seeing friends tomorrow.  fish ok.  i'm practicing patience.  

most interesting, hoppers are avis rentals.  the $20 is net.  drivers are charged per hour.  the cars according to paul are poorly maintained.  he's refused malfunctioning unsafe cars.  9-3 are peak hours, hard to get rides.  2 hours.  mostly used by school students.  cancelling rides is common.  tiron and wife have priority on car shifts.  home at 4 pm.

kushy-michael sci fi

she came on time very quiet.  no mumbling on phone.  i like looking out the window.  i wonder if tiron quit.

i've been a snob.  

after good lunch toki gave me her quarter chicken skin.  i preferred my roast beef sandwich veg soup, salad.  i'm tired of stewed chicken.  carlos called with pedro's number.  i put him in my phone.  juan never called.  pedro wanted all money up front when i told carlos he called pedro de la luz 701 king st, san jose.  carlos is my car guardian angel.

home i called to give vin number.  i had it on insurance but i was exhausted.  he's hard to understand.  

luys srs-bartolo w mart-rsv vaccination

tiron accepted ride then cancelled no call.  i waited 50 minutes.  luys passed me by and u turned.  dispatch said tiron texted.  not.  luys told me tiron wife drives hopper too who he constantly mumbles to.  i've gotten his wife as driver.  luys thought it weird they talk so much.  i said maybe they don't talk at home just on the phone.  surprised him doesn't surprise me.  

bartolo showed up precisely 2 pm.  when i called him at 8 he sounded asleep.  i directed him to the store, he doesn't shop.  long line to pay bills i was charged $1.50 for paying cash.  i called cap one who directed me to walmart customer care.  no idea i need to consult store manager.  i bought glucosamine got rsv shot.  hour and half.  home.

luys and ramon

i'm planning my walmart trip.  the simplest is to ask bartolo.  ramon said to have the driver call for pick up.  

walking to nob hill and movie 'deception 1946

reminds me when i started back into life from being bed ridden for 8 years.  i wrecked my back carrying mom and dad.  it almost killed me.  they killed my old life.  

once a week sunday i struggled to walk .2 mile to the store for a newspaper.  i frequently doubted i'd survive.  i figured it was better than lying in bed.  that was 20 years ago and here i am again.  another level up on the spiral of life.  my sisters were torturing me with lies and threats of eviction and physical violence.  i cut them out of my life like the cancers they are.  some people don't get cancer they give cancer.  eric's mom was toxic.  that's why some families get it.  it's not hereditary it's toxic proximity.  that's why some don't develop it.  they stay away.  they divorce themselves from the toxic ones.  

i'm remembering.  gathering bits of myself.  despite the wrecked car or because of it.  i wasn't able to drive then.  i had friends drive me for groceries and to the doctor.  i couldn't sit in a chair or upright in a car.  i could barely walk my back was so unstable.  

bette davis such a brilliant actress.  paul henreid, claude rains.  a welcome diversion.  a great movie.

i defrosted pollock and simmered with diced roasted tomatoes for fish stew.  heated cooked rice.  so good.  i decided not to save it for later.  i'm eating it now.  

ready 8:08

walked to nob hill hopper open 9 am sat's.  meme there bought salad, 6 burrito, chips.  

i harvested shepherd's purse put in bucket w/water.

tiron half hour wait.  2 blocks from center detoured to pick up woman w/ walker.  told me to move, lectured woman she can't rely on him to load walker.  she can't.  oh, welll.

i swam saw melvin in gym i asked for ride.  i waited upstairs on puzzle.  11:45 i went looking for melvin wandering around parking lot.  he didn't remember me telling him where i'd be.  i don't understand how they drive and my car is wrecked.

home noon.  walking must have exhausted me.  after salad safeway signature cheese sauce, epic pork crackings, cheddar cheese sandwich i slept for 3 hours.

t iron

another fry day.  lunch st pat's tiny serving corned beef cabbage.  ran out of cabbage and cookies.  i saved table for everyone.  it's what i do who i am.  played bingo i won snack bar.  read magazine.  big bev got her shirt from helen and won a game.  jane won too.  new gal with talky flirty hubby won chose a puzzle.  he's so funny.  like it was a million.  

melvin offered a ride but i had already called and they were sending ramon.

1160 lawrence sta rd

flashback my 5 year old self waiting for the bus.  

ramon picked me up quickly.  he recognized my address.  he remembers our conversations.  it's so nice to be validated.

good swim.  lunch ok.  everyone coming for st pat day we'll need the whole table.  i called bartolo after lunch he said he'd drive me to sunny library 3 pm.  3:20 i called to remind him.  4 pm i returned spot and picked up holds.  done and done.  

9:30 pm i'm not missing spot.  i don't feel deprived of the internet like i used to.  

just breathe

i still don't know what i'm doing or why.  my back, neck, digestion feel better.  

the beauty of yoga is it can be done anytime, anywhere.  whenever i think of it i can focus on isometric exercises.  not driving is allowing my back to rebalance itself.  

my knee is still sore a little swollen mallory said to go back to doc.  

the freedom to just sit.  mom always forced me to keep busy doing for the whole family i thought i was cinderella.  

blogs keep disappearing

tyron drove me to and from seniors.  he parked in front so i didn't have to cross the street.  i'm amazed.  lunch was good spaghetti and meat sauce.  i puzzled 'til 2:30 called for hopper.  tyron always half hour after projected time.  dispatcher julia my favorite.  clear concise perfectly paced.  

and kelly howell super learning.  my music disappeared too.  i listened to tina cd not being read.  it's ok.  

disappeared again-nola called 2:43 pm auntie died yesterday

third time writing this maybe i don't know the weird energy this year.  my year to win the lottery.  i keep updating and it still disappears.  and chrome wasn't charging.  

i'm taking care of me alone.  i haven't felt like doing anything else.  

i'm screaming inside

i'm 3 years old inside.   i'm feeling alone and unloved.  mom separated me from my grandma jealous grandma might love me more than mom and forced my 5 years older sister to be my mother.  not fair all around.  definitely screwed us both up.  i've been in survival mode my entire life.  i'm ok at surviving i don't know how to live.  i'm shuddering and crying in my soul.  i'm down to bedrock.  my entire body is quaking.  

i'm having a conscious private nervous breakdown.  i'm drinking a protein shake to calm me i can't eat.  mom set me up to be unloved.  she didn't love me and made sure no one else loved me.  to survive i chose people who wouldn't, couldn't love me, the only life i knew, the only life i could tolerate.  everything else was too psychically painful to admit my own mother didn't love me.  it hurts so bad.  what addicts run from.  can't hide from oneself.  why addicts hate themselves.

we were taught to hate ourselves by the people we loved the most.  

i dressed to walk to nob hill and then didn't.  i readied the big cart, counted out recycle.  i ate soup and salad with cheese then slept for 3 hours exhausted by my emotions.    i'm watching the oscars well rested for a change.  i poached 2 pollock steaks in honey mustard with rainbow carrots.  i heated a bag of brown and wild rice.  so good.  i'm loving me.  

i walked to nob hill

i redeemed 50 bottles and bought soup and salad.  so good with melted cheese.  i'm eating cookies for my carbs.  me me was working.  so nice to see her.  she's going to de anza.  the walk was good for my legs and back.  on the way home a yard had shepherds purse.  delicious.  although my life is messed up i can still find happy things.  i looked online for car body shops and updated my phone numbers.  A productive day.  

if there's more herb i'll add to salad or try it cooked.  i saw a very expensive dish in a chinese restaurant.  

seniors 8:30 am

i wonder if dispatchers realize i phone and app gets them fired.  without phone ins they're out of a job.  i suppose if they lived here they could drive but most live in pp or india big call centers.  

with all the pressure i'm feeling i showered, stretched and puzzled.  most soothing relaxing reassuring.  so i decided after lunch to forgo bingo and digest before tackling phoning hopper.  i puzzled and walter showed up.  i've kept him apprised of my challenges and reinforced that happiness is a choice no matter the burdens ahead.  he started moaning i asked if he'd eaten.  no.  i told him to get something he went home for yogurt and sardines protein load for cell repair.  whenever he'd dredge up the past i'd remind him ptsd.  focus on now and what you want more of.  staying in the past sets the auto pilot for old life.  time to reset auto pilot focus on desires not tragedies.  he's recreated care taking his chickens and not his dad so a step up.  and time for more happiness.  we talked 'til 2:30 i called hopper for a ride we walked out he kept me company 'til tyrone the mumbler drove me home.  i enjoyed cabrillo school jam.  i observe and appreciate.

jury duty

on top of everything else. 

physics of prayer-all thoughts-Ramon excellent driver

all thought good bad or indifferent is electrical energy.  that energy is a command to the universe to produce.  if the thoughts are jumbled the creative machinery has nothing to focus on.  nothing is created the energy is spent.  

weirdest day ever.  Ramon picked me up as stated rather than 20-30 minutes later.  he dropped me in front and i was early.  i showered, swam, tub closed chemical problem.  lunch turkey loaf good.  trudy gave me pb cookies, kenny, fred, mike, toki.  i puzzled for a bit 'til my hair dried.  i called hopper first call disconnected.  second call christian said my name wrong.  refused to connect ride, no supervisor no help.  suggested i make another account with another phone number, credit card, e mail.  crazy.  support call back 2 days.  i need ride now.  i looked online for help decided to call again for rider support talked to gigi checked my account no problem connected my ride Ramon showed up 20 minutes later.  so if i hadn't been put off i wouldn't have gotten Ramon as my driver.

too weird for me.

8:30 pm i confuse easily.  my library account suddenly has a $14.39 fine on it.  i can't find anything itemizing the charges.  under the fees section it states there are no fees.  i e mailed after hours is this like the phantom juvenile graphic novel that suddenly appeared on my account that was later removed.  i don't know what's going on.  i confuse easily.

at least i have the wheel of fortune.  9 pm celebrity wheel mayim bialek from 5/10/2023.  regular wheel preempted by 'state of the nation' at 10 pm.  

8 am best pick up time

tam prefers real estate and has to drive part time for wife and 5 yr old girl.  later mostly students riding.  and gps directs drivers to the most requested closest location.  makes sense.  man is not rational but rationalizing.  practice makes perfect.  

showered, swam.  puzzled.  lunch ok.  salisbury steak and mash.  toki on time and fred late.  packed house.  no empty seats.  melvin offered a ride home yes, please.  i rested, fixed silk shirt, marked sizes.  building my courage i called carlos i'm ready to start repair.  i called juan left message.  i called anthem and unlocked benefits.  mary came through.  step by step.  

i'll forgo bookmobile

now i'm aware of schedule i can go anytime.  i called hopper 8 am and got a ride 20 later.  i showered and swam.  upstairs i puzzled and thought about calling anthem and benefits again.  i'm just too tired and bored.  i need more fun.  there's always tomorrow.  brain came by to talk to nurse.  

lunch was good.  Fred and oki.  then melvin came over asked if i wanted a ride home.  he was going to nob hill and cost co.  his 2005 suv is like new, his cousin's kept garaged.  100 k miles.  he must drive a lot.  his cousin drove only a few miles a day to work.  home early i started getting rid of paper.  for dinner i toasted last of friday corn bread.  i heated chicken corn chowder with cheddar cheese.  so good.  

no wheel.  preempted for politics.  like we can't wait.  boo....

finally my back hurts where i expected

between my shoulder blades from blade to blade.  like a pillow of pain.  different from my reaction to ibuprofen.  definitely connected to digestion.  

i was ready for bartolo to run errands.  he showed up with bro and adele to garden.  an hour.  said afternoon 2-3.  ok.  i removed pocket from hobo bag and added it to my bass fishing shirt.  an hour.  something i wanted to do since adding the first pocket.  i called carlos explained why i wanted to repair my tank car.  he'll have repair guy call me.  so i'm resting.

i called bartolo 2 pm left message.  called 3 pm talked him into driving.  showed up 4 to sunny then bank to atm paid cost co.  star one deposit and unity check.  cup returned 12 movies borrowed 2.  home 5 pm tired.  ate last salad w/cornbread and cheese.  

3/3 girl's day

reminds me of 6/6 boy's day.  i'm missing eric.  my 'brother', karaoke boss, car mechanic. best buddy.  just turned 61 on 6/3 and died 10 days later.  i visited him in the hospital every time he got sick. i tried to get him on a better diet but 5 years of 3 cancers and his old life was too much.  i'm finally ready to stop grieving.  i know how cruel japanese families can be.  i read tale of genji.  

considered walking to nob hill but rainy.  i decided to cook turmeric penne with cheese.  too much fiber or the chili paste.  i cooked lb of bacon in the microwave.  simmer an hour rotating and checking.  i used newspaper covered with parchment paper to keep from sticking and paper towel to soak up grease.  i used to collect the grease and never used it to cook with throwing it out.  i put 3 strips and a green salad, side of cornbread.  i've never had so much bacon.  i usually cut it up fry it in microwave for rice.  

i watched 'roise and frank' an irish movie in gaelic with subtitles.  pretty entertaining.  then 'the old maid' 1939 bette davis, miriam hopkins a woman's movie.  classic unusual for the times.  morals didn't change 'til 2000's. currently watching bette davis' first movie 1932 'the dark horse political comedy campaign election.

i accomplished a lot.  i located ss card, car pink slip, birth cert.  i perused tax return, many payment options.  i'm not entirely sure it's accurate.  irs will tell me.  

blessed to have time to heal-bartolo $70 garden $20 driving

woke with physical emotional pressure that moved from ab to chest.  looked for misplaced movie to return and the self criticism program started running how stupid lazy etc...  families criticize and humiliate to control and added with physical and emotional violence 100 % effective.  changing the chemical memories takes time and repetition.  trauma is a huge chemical imprint.  baby ducks on hatching imprint on the first thing they see as mother.  i'm learning to be patient and gentle with myself.  i was taught to ignore myself and sometimes this programmed energy spills over into my everyday life.  i found phone messages from 2 pm while i was safeway and going home.  

bartolo called 8:30 am outside ready to roll while i was getting taxes together.  i changed clothes, brushed my teeth, lucky's free coke big lots free water i picked up amino for toki.  discussed what i wanted to do bartolo had to take his brother to taxes.  got to chase i forgot my card drove back home.  withdrew then main 9:45 am i signed up for taxes.  11:15 my turn, done 12:30 i walked over to st just before rain.  15 minutes in front of church.  my phone didn't ring again.  missed call.  i saw hopper across street and waved my arms.  home safe.  

woo hoo

a new day, a new month, a new me.  

every day is an opportunity to start new.  every minute.  

via hopper on 3rd call i noticed volume zero.   seniors late, nice lunch.  i decided business more important than bingo, no bartolo for banking busy working.  took hopper to home Safeway bought 4 cheese, mac egg salad by mistake.  i finally remembered to buy dawn power wash with a new coupon 'free' refill (end cost $1.60), clearance cornbread, salad mix.  got Mandeep again for the ride home.  and gps sent him wrong directions so 25 minutes longer.  big hatchback shopping and laundry no problem.  

carlos knocked on the door with a 1993 corolla he's maintained for the last 20/31 years.  $2600 online worth kbb edmunds $1600 200 k miles.  i feel disloyal to my 2008.  so 16 or 31 year old car.  mine has better value.  bigger heavier better protection.  200 k compared to my 47 k miles.  and i can't find pink slip.