i'm 3 years old inside. i'm feeling alone and unloved. mom separated me from my grandma jealous grandma might love me more than mom and forced my 5 years older sister to be my mother. not fair all around. definitely screwed us both up. i've been in survival mode my entire life. i'm ok at surviving i don't know how to live. i'm shuddering and crying in my soul. i'm down to bedrock. my entire body is quaking.
i'm having a conscious private nervous breakdown. i'm drinking a protein shake to calm me i can't eat. mom set me up to be unloved. she didn't love me and made sure no one else loved me. to survive i chose people who wouldn't, couldn't love me, the only life i knew, the only life i could tolerate. everything else was too psychically painful to admit my own mother didn't love me. it hurts so bad. what addicts run from. can't hide from oneself. why addicts hate themselves.
we were taught to hate ourselves by the people we loved the most.
i dressed to walk to nob hill and then didn't. i readied the big cart, counted out recycle. i ate soup and salad with cheese then slept for 3 hours exhausted by my emotions. i'm watching the oscars well rested for a change. i poached 2 pollock steaks in honey mustard with rainbow carrots. i heated a bag of brown and wild rice. so good. i'm loving me.
No comments:
Post a Comment