it disappeared

I wonder where it goes.  if all the words end up somewhere.

I was too close to the prickly pear and tore off the cover on the left mirror.  I parked on the side and managed to carefully put the plastic back.  the electronics worked.  I went to lucky's for free Gatorade tablets and good nature healthy tea.  $13.50.  

lunch was good.  fish.  Toki, Fred, Mike.  I went to Carlos' and asked about gaps in hood.  new front end and hood.  headlights so shiny.  he glued side mirror.  

home I started taking things from back seat and trunk.  I'm using fabric wheel barrow.  5 years collecting.  

football draft on TV early bed.  

seniors 7:30

driving used to be a privilege, a pleasure.  the number of cars, the terrible drivers make it work.

I soaked hour and half.  lunch tiny company great.  Toki, Fred, Melvin, Albert, Elizabeth, Mike, Florence and hubby, Andy.  

went to sprouts bought celery bites 99, dinner sandwich 1.99, giant purple artichoke 99.  considered doing banking, nah.

home 1:30.

mekennon 7:05 am

I missed 3 calls from Carlos yesterday my car is ready.  he suggested having Pedro drop it off at home.  I prefer senior center or Carlos garage.  I offered Carlos $100 to test drive and arrange pick up.  I have my check book with me.   

after many phone calls and much anxiety Carlos picked me up in my car.  home 2:30.  I paid him $100 check he didn't want to take I insisted.  I left Pedro's $2000 check and told Carlos $500 more not according to notes and conversations 3/20 and 3/26.  Pedro cashed $500 and $120 checks 4/10.

jane gave me syrup and cookie.  I sat with her waiting for Carlos.  

I've become my mother

I'm afraid to drive.  well, afraid to be hit.  after all this time.  considering her abusive brother, i witnessed him brutalizing my cousins, it makes sense and it's what i learned.  I didn't want to be like the family.  I chose not to brutalize others.  her fear was karma.  

Mekennon to seniors and maybe cup.  nope, he cancelled, Marissa to cup and Kuben home.  lots of movies 2 bags full.  

Lhosa gave me 5 onion bagels so sweet, more added sugar than onion.  great dessert.  I've eaten 3.  

my legs, hips, feet ache.  I'm so stiff and sore.  

one thing at a time

i walked to nob hill 6:30.  no deli salad so i bought 2 chili verde and 1 star EVOO.

 Marissa driver I'm feeling alone.  she finally came.  she helps me putting my cart in the trunk.  melvin offered to drive home after gym.  ok.

my county is 1 overdue, 9 movies by 26th to pick up.  mission movies by 25th.  

bartolo called to announce he's back.  he said he was back to work fry day.  

i was still hungry after lunch i made eggs and spam rice.  childhood comfort food 3 pm.  4 pm nap attack.  or sugar.  

my day of rest

I'm watching the movies I couldn't while caring for the family.  it's been so weird doing whatever I want.  the hardest part is knowing what I want.  it was always about them.  getting, doing for them.  

I walked to nob hill

takes 10 minutes to walk and I looked at everything and filled 2 water bottles.  I bought chips and the cutest liquor samples $1 ea.  an hour well spent.  huh, auto update is working.  stopped working at all.

heated castle burgers ate turnip w/teriyaki slept 3 hours.  I never thought i'd live this long.  

hopper time Kueenthiran

Mekennon  home maybe.  I called for ride to arrive 12:34 pm now on checking status time arrival is 1:04 pm.  1:11 pm Tiron.  I was so tired.  I shared half of Fred's rice crispy treat, too much sugar.  

I called Peter/Pedro about my car.  I think he said next week.  I asked Carlos to verify.

i'm tired of driving.  57 years driving is a long time.  65 years cooking is boring.  eating is still fun.

healing depression playing

torture stomach ache.  2001 agony.  all the muscles ripped up.  I ate a bach rescue pastille from sprouts, pain subsided after half hour of total rest.  I'm mobile again.  

i'm watching '10 things i hate about you' a modern 'taming of the shrew'.  brilliant.  I love Shakespeare.  iambic pentameter.  the 'course in miracles'.  

i was talking to Dave in the warm tub about the 'course'.  

Mekennon driver to and Melvin home after Patel market.  I bought tomato and raw almonds.  I forgot eggs/onions spoiled.  cutest mini mangoes and pears.

reborn again-Danilo driver to, Ramon home.

I woke, stretched, a whole new me.

i'm planning my walk to mission to pick up 3 holds, drop off mail post office.  walking shoes and sun hat.  I took an hour to enjoy the walk.  I mailed cap one.  I checked out the stores.  very relaxing.  when I go and come home early my rides are better.  less stress.

i'm just realizing how stressful my life has been.  no wonder i've been pre diabetic and borderline high pressure.  my family tradition is high pressure.  

marie-font resets-marie driver am/hernan pm big new bus

I tubed with Brian.  He resents Biden from 1991 credit card changes that's keeping him stuck.  

i'm collecting my printer paper and researching maps.  everything I wrote yesterday disappeared.  If I don't update it eventually vanishes.  I don't care.  

I washed the upstairs so dirty computer keyboard.  I'm listening to healing and relaxing.  calmer than I've ever been.

lunch good potato fish, pasta added lemon and amino.  

20 minutes to hopper pick up at 1:50.  lots of time to consider my life.  I've bought so much food stockpiled that i'm using now.  

nap attack 4-6 pm.

so early-kueenthiran driver-verdana font

another new driver.  keeps going to smaller font.  verdana.

fred gave me a new mariner's (?) windbreaker with inside pockets and zippers.  

i'm amazed

I feel ok.  I'm not sore today.  my legs ok and my feet a little tender.   I wonder if it's the double vitamin d?  i'm concentrating on self care.  I feel like running away.  

I finally cooked an omelet with the bits of onion from senior lunches.  topped with 2 slices cheese.  I'm cooking white castle and Tina burritos.  tiny foods.  big salad.  

I decided to sort, measure and mark my zippers.  my lime green rain jacket zipper broke yesterday.  I wore it under my short sleeve fishing shirt.  I had one 28.5 inch zipper.  took maybe an hour to replace.  woo hoo!!  I used big stitches in case I have to reuse it on something else.  way easier than I expected.  

brilliant-mekenna driver

i walked to nob hill in the sprinkles, asked and received 2 white castle cheeseburgers, salad, chips, clearance oregano chatted with Meme.  

my brain is better on twice the vit D.  trip planning to the Sunny library I first thought of lucky's and the gym then Starbucks and Denny's next to 22 bus every 15 minutes.  The driver gave me a free ride.  smooth to Pastoria.  I walked to library, returned, picked up, rested at puzzle table.  astronaut show.  biting 50 cold dark.  $1 seniors to Lawrence.  thought about b king.  another day.  walked big lots then lucky's picked up free Texas bbq sauce and 4 Tina burritos 59 cents ea.  walked to gym 50 o dark.  decided to walk home.  half hour wait for ride.  same time.  I wore the wrong boots.  next time hiking.  home 12:45 famished I ate cheeseburger slider feet swelled.  ate green chili meat bean burrito, salad poppy dressing while watching 'heaven is for real.'  heavenly.

3 i'm ready for my nap.

tam on time

I walked to nob hill 2 dozen eggs, sliced cheese, white castle chicken sliders dinner.  $12.88.  

I called hopper 7:26.  the earlier the fewer delays.  I'm printing free Google map transportation options.  much better pictures than VTA.  

i love Janey.  a sweetheart.  after everyone left she sat in the fireplace room and i waited with her for bingo.  melvin came by i caught a ride.  i'm feeling tired and sleepy.  probably allergies.  I cooked a chicken slider, and set out lettuce for spam salad.    I fell asleep and missed 'people...'  

I got pots ready for allergy plant starters.  it's predicted to rain.  

I fell asleep and missed the bonus wheel prize puzzle.  fought to stay awake bed 9:30.

finally met mekenna driver.

I called 7:05 am.  7:30 pick up became 40.  he's cancelled so many times.  

I swam and looked up bus schedules in computer room.  simpler free printer 10 pages/day.  yahoo!!  I printed 2 bus maps.  

lunch ok.  good company Toki, Fred, Jane, 2 strangers.  I got tired of sitting at table 10 so I moved us to table 4.  weird tasting zucchini.  Jane and Toki were talking about big sale at target.  Jane was going after lunch I asked she took me.  I followed her around and bought sale raw sunflower seeds.   then she brought me home.  she's so personable and relaxing.  i'm feeling so relaxed and sleepy.  

tam 8:30

whew!  I swam .  i'm hot already.  projected 81 o.  I brought Jane's roller just in case.  I'm feeling pretty good.  lunch good.  gave Jane roller and instructions.

Melvin offered a ride if I want to wait after he exercises.  sure.  i'm resting for riding the bus.

i'm ready to live

I spent my life living the family program.  2001 I was ready and willing to die.  the family tradition of suicide prepared me for my train wreck of my dysfunctional family.  9/5/99 my dad refused medical advice and '01 mom stopped her meds.  passive suicides.  her daughters she trained so thoroughly in being cold heartless money grubbers lived down to her expectations and refused her.  she reaped what she sowed.

every family is dysfunctional.  the experiences of 25-10 even 5 years ago are less relevant in the fast changing world today.  the materially successful person recognizes the shape of things and adapts it to their advantage.  

I called Peter/Pedro 10:14 'got the check waiting on parts'.  gas is over $5/gal.  i'll definitely keep using transportation.

lunch ok.  Andy, Toki, Fred, Jane, great lunch companions.  talked to Elizabeth so self deprecating.

skull headache

power outage half hour no distractions from constant pain.  an hour off I massaged my neck and right skull.  no distractions.

to seniors t iron actually showed up.  lunch Andy, Trudy, Kenny, Toki, Thomas, Fred, Mike.  full table.  

going home no t iron or ashley.  after an hour luys.  we'll see.  home by 6:30.  

i walked to nob hill

 i'm embracing where i am right now and researching riding the bus.  

i'm so much better

i just spent 2 1/2 hours looking for the spot.  i put it on the pillow next to me.  when i looked for it to charge i couldn't find it.  i looked everywhere, over and over.  i finally looked in heal my life nothing for confusion dizziness had "i am deeply centered and peaceful in life.  i am safe to be alive and joyous."  i wrote it out 3 times and remembered i sorted and filled my supplement container for next week.  sure enough it had fallen into my vitamin box.  relief.  attention deficit from autism nothing surprises me for long.  

and i'm ok.  i didn't strain my back.  not driving is the best.

watching 'tenth kingdom' miniseries i realize the evil, cruel, vicious mother is the rule and the good kind mother the exception.

i haven't stayed up to watch saturday night live in years.  kristen wiig.  

danilo/ hernan became marissa/ ramon home

it's great to have reliable drivers who show up.  i showered forgot my flips and forgave myself.  the air conditioner was set at arctic at the puzzle table, nurses kept their doors closed.  i finally used hair dryer.

i was telling elizabeth about tylophora indica for allergies and asthma used in india for 3000 years.  she asked if i got it from indian market.  i never thought of it.  i found the info at whole foods.

marie nob hill rest

we bought clearance.  she liked my store.  

i checked my cap one.  hopper charges me $1 when i cancel.  they don't pay me when they cancel.

kushy--joanne- jane st just lunch/bingo april 14

joanne came on time but as a different driver.  I DON'T KNOW.  we had a lovely conversation about my hopper experiences.  and today auto update.  i found out waving cursor over icon updates.  no clicking needed.  wow i love it. 

1 pm ramon driver home.  lunch was ok.  chicken tasteless i'll add flavor at home.  was 1:15 new arrival time 1:30.  so i'm checking tv, weather.  ramon couldn't activate the electric car, he had dispatch connect it.  must be solar storm static interference.  

bartolo called late for money.  leaving tomorrow for wedding return the 20th.  so friday $5 safeway salad by hopper.  banking any day.  

ahhh...danilo-marie ex-MAIL PICKED UP

uneventful pick up.  hurrah!!  i quite appreciate the peace and calm.  marie is his ex.  i do love some people.  they're good people.  it's easy to pray for pleasant people.

mail wasn't picked up this a m.  try, try again.  you only fail when you stop trying.

hopper messed up address santa clara st. not fremont.  oh, well.  i dreamed i was driving my car.  i was ok.

no internet no blog

carlos called 12:34 pedro needs money for parts.  i offered to write a check pedro didn't want to come to center.  i mailed it from home with life ins.  

happy easter my new life

i need guidance more than ever.  i wrote silent unity.  updated my chrome.  i've never been adrift without a car.  i've driven for 57 years.  i was always able to avoid bad drivers.  i've had more close calls and near misses than i can count.  i feel so sad and incapable.  and all my friends are old too.  i don't want to impose.  i know they'd help and we all have our own agendas.  i want to remain as independent as possible.  i'm researching riding the bus.  my next adventure.

my biggest fear is doing the wrong thing

good for me god is all powerful.  my left knee still hurts a lot.  i know i can't do wrong as long as i am thoughtful.  i ask for guidance.  this is the scariest.  i'm old and adrift alone.  all one.  my life is destined to become less until i fade away.  an old soldier.

i suppose this lesson is to lessen my attachments.  so buddhist.  i'm reading my 'happiness becomes you'.

daily word forgiveness

forgetting is not forgiveness.  loving is forgiveness.  we come here to forgive.  the problems are lessons, exercises in self forgiveness.  

i walked to nob hill for chips and salad.  no seniors, closed.  bartolo and adele working in the yard.  he's so bored.  all the -holics.  work, alcohol, sex, food.

yesterday i napped at 4:30 pm, woke 8 pm then slept until 2 am watched movies fell asleep until 7:30 am.  the only thing i did differently i had 4 total beets.  life is stressing me out.  i don't know how people manage the stress.  

feeling anxious-marissa to -mesfin no show to dr.-safir-ashley hopper

heavy rain i finally slept 12-5.  i watched 'all creatures' season 4.

marissa to seniors.  waited half hour called 3 times for anthem transport.

anthem transportation weird only return to seniors not home so i called hopper ashley right on time.

danilo driver to- luys to cup-ashley home

so many ways of penalizing drivers.  besides being charged rental from avis they face fines for late changes to assigned schedules.  there's no human resources to appeal to.  

ramon is demo for hopper presentation from 1-2 pm.  

i want 'all creatures' season 4 ready cup library.  got it.  luys going and ashley home.  

tan my driver to seniors

i called carlos $500 to weld frame so $2500 to fix.  ok.  the $500 check now makes sense.  mailman didn't come sat or yesterday so if mail is still outside i'll walk it over to carlos with a check for him too tomorrow.  

i called bartolo to see how he's doing.  i suddenly remembered castor oil.  i gave him a bottle and some shepherds purse i picked this morning while waiting for hopper.  he picked me up from seniors and drove to sunny.  one hold 'miracle club' i returned all the movies i had.  'holdovers' expired i requested again.  groceries left on patio he took small acorn squash i took can tuna, spam, pb cookie mix.  i do love spam.

toki left me cost co pb cookies not as good as chips ahoy.  probably better i not eat them all at once.  finally got mail.  grocery ads and life insurance.

jury duty again

i went online practicing logging on.  says to call monday after 5 pm.  i suppose i can take a cab.  i can spend all my money.  no one to leave it to.  

i do love playing matlock.  everyone else so seriously serious.  

sat do nothing-sun day rainy

yesterday pedro didn't call so i called 11:27.  i'll mail the tow check no mail pickup.  day spent in thought.   

11 minute walk to nob hill.  i'm prey.  i just realized all my feelings are autistic.  of course i feel like i do.  

marissa to seniors

i booked ramon she said he wasn't coming.  i don't know.  i haven't heard back from carlos yet.  i just keep doing what i know.   one foot at a time.  pedro supposed to come for tow cost check tomorrow.  

i updated wheel and showered.  i started  300 piece wizard of oz puzzle.  no toki at lunch she's meeting friends.  melvin and diane sat at other tables.  fred showed up late.  fun guy.  fungi.  mushroom.  good lunch.  tasty tender beef, peppers, mushrooms, eggplant.  extra fruit cups for me, fred, joshua.

i went upstairs to ponder if i wanted to play bingo.  i went my heart not in it.  i managed my emotions and won cookies.  life is sweet.  

marie-connections-conan? cancelled ride. try paul-to cup and home

marie new driver to me.  her mom died last year she dreamed of her last night.  this is why my car is laid up.  i can connect.  life is all about connections. 

lunch ok toki seeing friends tomorrow.  fish ok.  i'm practicing patience.  

most interesting, hoppers are avis rentals.  the $20 is net.  drivers are charged per hour.  the cars according to paul are poorly maintained.  he's refused malfunctioning unsafe cars.  9-3 are peak hours, hard to get rides.  2 hours.  mostly used by school students.  cancelling rides is common.  tiron and wife have priority on car shifts.  home at 4 pm.

kushy-michael sci fi

she came on time very quiet.  no mumbling on phone.  i like looking out the window.  i wonder if tiron quit.

i've been a snob.  

after good lunch toki gave me her quarter chicken skin.  i preferred my roast beef sandwich veg soup, salad.  i'm tired of stewed chicken.  carlos called with pedro's number.  i put him in my phone.  juan never called.  pedro wanted all money up front when i told carlos he called pedro de la luz 701 king st, san jose.  carlos is my car guardian angel.

home i called to give vin number.  i had it on insurance but i was exhausted.  he's hard to understand.  

luys srs-bartolo w mart-rsv vaccination

tiron accepted ride then cancelled no call.  i waited 50 minutes.  luys passed me by and u turned.  dispatch said tiron texted.  not.  luys told me tiron wife drives hopper too who he constantly mumbles to.  i've gotten his wife as driver.  luys thought it weird they talk so much.  i said maybe they don't talk at home just on the phone.  surprised him doesn't surprise me.  

bartolo showed up precisely 2 pm.  when i called him at 8 he sounded asleep.  i directed him to the store, he doesn't shop.  long line to pay bills i was charged $1.50 for paying cash.  i called cap one who directed me to walmart customer care.  no idea i need to consult store manager.  i bought glucosamine got rsv shot.  hour and half.  home.

luys and ramon

i'm planning my walmart trip.  the simplest is to ask bartolo.  ramon said to have the driver call for pick up.  

walking to nob hill and movie 'deception 1946

reminds me when i started back into life from being bed ridden for 8 years.  i wrecked my back carrying mom and dad.  it almost killed me.  they killed my old life.  

once a week sunday i struggled to walk .2 mile to the store for a newspaper.  i frequently doubted i'd survive.  i figured it was better than lying in bed.  that was 20 years ago and here i am again.  another level up on the spiral of life.  my sisters were torturing me with lies and threats of eviction and physical violence.  i cut them out of my life like the cancers they are.  some people don't get cancer they give cancer.  eric's mom was toxic.  that's why some families get it.  it's not hereditary it's toxic proximity.  that's why some don't develop it.  they stay away.  they divorce themselves from the toxic ones.  

i'm remembering.  gathering bits of myself.  despite the wrecked car or because of it.  i wasn't able to drive then.  i had friends drive me for groceries and to the doctor.  i couldn't sit in a chair or upright in a car.  i could barely walk my back was so unstable.  

bette davis such a brilliant actress.  paul henreid, claude rains.  a welcome diversion.  a great movie.

i defrosted pollock and simmered with diced roasted tomatoes for fish stew.  heated cooked rice.  so good.  i decided not to save it for later.  i'm eating it now.  

ready 8:08

walked to nob hill hopper open 9 am sat's.  meme there bought salad, 6 burrito, chips.  

i harvested shepherd's purse put in bucket w/water.

tiron half hour wait.  2 blocks from center detoured to pick up woman w/ walker.  told me to move, lectured woman she can't rely on him to load walker.  she can't.  oh, welll.

i swam saw melvin in gym i asked for ride.  i waited upstairs on puzzle.  11:45 i went looking for melvin wandering around parking lot.  he didn't remember me telling him where i'd be.  i don't understand how they drive and my car is wrecked.

home noon.  walking must have exhausted me.  after salad safeway signature cheese sauce, epic pork crackings, cheddar cheese sandwich i slept for 3 hours.

t iron

another fry day.  lunch st pat's tiny serving corned beef cabbage.  ran out of cabbage and cookies.  i saved table for everyone.  it's what i do who i am.  played bingo i won snack bar.  read magazine.  big bev got her shirt from helen and won a game.  jane won too.  new gal with talky flirty hubby won chose a puzzle.  he's so funny.  like it was a million.  

melvin offered a ride but i had already called and they were sending ramon.

1160 lawrence sta rd

flashback my 5 year old self waiting for the bus.  

ramon picked me up quickly.  he recognized my address.  he remembers our conversations.  it's so nice to be validated.

good swim.  lunch ok.  everyone coming for st pat day we'll need the whole table.  i called bartolo after lunch he said he'd drive me to sunny library 3 pm.  3:20 i called to remind him.  4 pm i returned spot and picked up holds.  done and done.  

9:30 pm i'm not missing spot.  i don't feel deprived of the internet like i used to.  

just breathe

i still don't know what i'm doing or why.  my back, neck, digestion feel better.  

the beauty of yoga is it can be done anytime, anywhere.  whenever i think of it i can focus on isometric exercises.  not driving is allowing my back to rebalance itself.  

my knee is still sore a little swollen mallory said to go back to doc.  

the freedom to just sit.  mom always forced me to keep busy doing for the whole family i thought i was cinderella.  

blogs keep disappearing

tyron drove me to and from seniors.  he parked in front so i didn't have to cross the street.  i'm amazed.  lunch was good spaghetti and meat sauce.  i puzzled 'til 2:30 called for hopper.  tyron always half hour after projected time.  dispatcher julia my favorite.  clear concise perfectly paced.  

and kelly howell super learning.  my music disappeared too.  i listened to tina cd not being read.  it's ok.  

disappeared again-nola called 2:43 pm auntie died yesterday

third time writing this maybe i don't know the weird energy this year.  my year to win the lottery.  i keep updating and it still disappears.  and chrome wasn't charging.  

i'm taking care of me alone.  i haven't felt like doing anything else.  

i'm screaming inside

i'm 3 years old inside.   i'm feeling alone and unloved.  mom separated me from my grandma jealous grandma might love me more than mom and forced my 5 years older sister to be my mother.  not fair all around.  definitely screwed us both up.  i've been in survival mode my entire life.  i'm ok at surviving i don't know how to live.  i'm shuddering and crying in my soul.  i'm down to bedrock.  my entire body is quaking.  

i'm having a conscious private nervous breakdown.  i'm drinking a protein shake to calm me i can't eat.  mom set me up to be unloved.  she didn't love me and made sure no one else loved me.  to survive i chose people who wouldn't, couldn't love me, the only life i knew, the only life i could tolerate.  everything else was too psychically painful to admit my own mother didn't love me.  it hurts so bad.  what addicts run from.  can't hide from oneself.  why addicts hate themselves.

we were taught to hate ourselves by the people we loved the most.  

i dressed to walk to nob hill and then didn't.  i readied the big cart, counted out recycle.  i ate soup and salad with cheese then slept for 3 hours exhausted by my emotions.    i'm watching the oscars well rested for a change.  i poached 2 pollock steaks in honey mustard with rainbow carrots.  i heated a bag of brown and wild rice.  so good.  i'm loving me.  

i walked to nob hill

i redeemed 50 bottles and bought soup and salad.  so good with melted cheese.  i'm eating cookies for my carbs.  me me was working.  so nice to see her.  she's going to de anza.  the walk was good for my legs and back.  on the way home a yard had shepherds purse.  delicious.  although my life is messed up i can still find happy things.  i looked online for car body shops and updated my phone numbers.  A productive day.  

if there's more herb i'll add to salad or try it cooked.  i saw a very expensive dish in a chinese restaurant.  

seniors 8:30 am

i wonder if dispatchers realize i phone and app gets them fired.  without phone ins they're out of a job.  i suppose if they lived here they could drive but most live in pp or india big call centers.  

with all the pressure i'm feeling i showered, stretched and puzzled.  most soothing relaxing reassuring.  so i decided after lunch to forgo bingo and digest before tackling phoning hopper.  i puzzled and walter showed up.  i've kept him apprised of my challenges and reinforced that happiness is a choice no matter the burdens ahead.  he started moaning i asked if he'd eaten.  no.  i told him to get something he went home for yogurt and sardines protein load for cell repair.  whenever he'd dredge up the past i'd remind him ptsd.  focus on now and what you want more of.  staying in the past sets the auto pilot for old life.  time to reset auto pilot focus on desires not tragedies.  he's recreated care taking his chickens and not his dad so a step up.  and time for more happiness.  we talked 'til 2:30 i called hopper for a ride we walked out he kept me company 'til tyrone the mumbler drove me home.  i enjoyed cabrillo school jam.  i observe and appreciate.

jury duty

on top of everything else. 

physics of prayer-all thoughts-Ramon excellent driver

all thought good bad or indifferent is electrical energy.  that energy is a command to the universe to produce.  if the thoughts are jumbled the creative machinery has nothing to focus on.  nothing is created the energy is spent.  

weirdest day ever.  Ramon picked me up as stated rather than 20-30 minutes later.  he dropped me in front and i was early.  i showered, swam, tub closed chemical problem.  lunch turkey loaf good.  trudy gave me pb cookies, kenny, fred, mike, toki.  i puzzled for a bit 'til my hair dried.  i called hopper first call disconnected.  second call christian said my name wrong.  refused to connect ride, no supervisor no help.  suggested i make another account with another phone number, credit card, e mail.  crazy.  support call back 2 days.  i need ride now.  i looked online for help decided to call again for rider support talked to gigi checked my account no problem connected my ride Ramon showed up 20 minutes later.  so if i hadn't been put off i wouldn't have gotten Ramon as my driver.

too weird for me.

8:30 pm i confuse easily.  my library account suddenly has a $14.39 fine on it.  i can't find anything itemizing the charges.  under the fees section it states there are no fees.  i e mailed after hours is this like the phantom juvenile graphic novel that suddenly appeared on my account that was later removed.  i don't know what's going on.  i confuse easily.

at least i have the wheel of fortune.  9 pm celebrity wheel mayim bialek from 5/10/2023.  regular wheel preempted by 'state of the nation' at 10 pm.  

8 am best pick up time

tam prefers real estate and has to drive part time for wife and 5 yr old girl.  later mostly students riding.  and gps directs drivers to the most requested closest location.  makes sense.  man is not rational but rationalizing.  practice makes perfect.  

showered, swam.  puzzled.  lunch ok.  salisbury steak and mash.  toki on time and fred late.  packed house.  no empty seats.  melvin offered a ride home yes, please.  i rested, fixed silk shirt, marked sizes.  building my courage i called carlos i'm ready to start repair.  i called juan left message.  i called anthem and unlocked benefits.  mary came through.  step by step.  

i'll forgo bookmobile

now i'm aware of schedule i can go anytime.  i called hopper 8 am and got a ride 20 later.  i showered and swam.  upstairs i puzzled and thought about calling anthem and benefits again.  i'm just too tired and bored.  i need more fun.  there's always tomorrow.  brain came by to talk to nurse.  

lunch was good.  Fred and oki.  then melvin came over asked if i wanted a ride home.  he was going to nob hill and cost co.  his 2005 suv is like new, his cousin's kept garaged.  100 k miles.  he must drive a lot.  his cousin drove only a few miles a day to work.  home early i started getting rid of paper.  for dinner i toasted last of friday corn bread.  i heated chicken corn chowder with cheddar cheese.  so good.  

no wheel.  preempted for politics.  like we can't wait.  boo....

finally my back hurts where i expected

between my shoulder blades from blade to blade.  like a pillow of pain.  different from my reaction to ibuprofen.  definitely connected to digestion.  

i was ready for bartolo to run errands.  he showed up with bro and adele to garden.  an hour.  said afternoon 2-3.  ok.  i removed pocket from hobo bag and added it to my bass fishing shirt.  an hour.  something i wanted to do since adding the first pocket.  i called carlos explained why i wanted to repair my tank car.  he'll have repair guy call me.  so i'm resting.

i called bartolo 2 pm left message.  called 3 pm talked him into driving.  showed up 4 to sunny then bank to atm paid cost co.  star one deposit and unity check.  cup returned 12 movies borrowed 2.  home 5 pm tired.  ate last salad w/cornbread and cheese.  

3/3 girl's day

reminds me of 6/6 boy's day.  i'm missing eric.  my 'brother', karaoke boss, car mechanic. best buddy.  just turned 61 on 6/3 and died 10 days later.  i visited him in the hospital every time he got sick. i tried to get him on a better diet but 5 years of 3 cancers and his old life was too much.  i'm finally ready to stop grieving.  i know how cruel japanese families can be.  i read tale of genji.  

considered walking to nob hill but rainy.  i decided to cook turmeric penne with cheese.  too much fiber or the chili paste.  i cooked lb of bacon in the microwave.  simmer an hour rotating and checking.  i used newspaper covered with parchment paper to keep from sticking and paper towel to soak up grease.  i used to collect the grease and never used it to cook with throwing it out.  i put 3 strips and a green salad, side of cornbread.  i've never had so much bacon.  i usually cut it up fry it in microwave for rice.  

i watched 'roise and frank' an irish movie in gaelic with subtitles.  pretty entertaining.  then 'the old maid' 1939 bette davis, miriam hopkins a woman's movie.  classic unusual for the times.  morals didn't change 'til 2000's. currently watching bette davis' first movie 1932 'the dark horse political comedy campaign election.

i accomplished a lot.  i located ss card, car pink slip, birth cert.  i perused tax return, many payment options.  i'm not entirely sure it's accurate.  irs will tell me.  

blessed to have time to heal-bartolo $70 garden $20 driving

woke with physical emotional pressure that moved from ab to chest.  looked for misplaced movie to return and the self criticism program started running how stupid lazy etc...  families criticize and humiliate to control and added with physical and emotional violence 100 % effective.  changing the chemical memories takes time and repetition.  trauma is a huge chemical imprint.  baby ducks on hatching imprint on the first thing they see as mother.  i'm learning to be patient and gentle with myself.  i was taught to ignore myself and sometimes this programmed energy spills over into my everyday life.  i found phone messages from 2 pm while i was safeway and going home.  

bartolo called 8:30 am outside ready to roll while i was getting taxes together.  i changed clothes, brushed my teeth, lucky's free coke big lots free water i picked up amino for toki.  discussed what i wanted to do bartolo had to take his brother to taxes.  got to chase i forgot my card drove back home.  withdrew then main 9:45 am i signed up for taxes.  11:15 my turn, done 12:30 i walked over to st just before rain.  15 minutes in front of church.  my phone didn't ring again.  missed call.  i saw hopper across street and waved my arms.  home safe.  

woo hoo

a new day, a new month, a new me.  

every day is an opportunity to start new.  every minute.  

via hopper on 3rd call i noticed volume zero.   seniors late, nice lunch.  i decided business more important than bingo, no bartolo for banking busy working.  took hopper to home Safeway bought 4 cheese, mac egg salad by mistake.  i finally remembered to buy dawn power wash with a new coupon 'free' refill (end cost $1.60), clearance cornbread, salad mix.  got Mandeep again for the ride home.  and gps sent him wrong directions so 25 minutes longer.  big hatchback shopping and laundry no problem.  

carlos knocked on the door with a 1993 corolla he's maintained for the last 20/31 years.  $2600 online worth kbb edmunds $1600 200 k miles.  i feel disloyal to my 2008.  so 16 or 31 year old car.  mine has better value.  bigger heavier better protection.  200 k compared to my 47 k miles.  and i can't find pink slip.  

happy leap day

i've never felt more alive and together.  i'm grateful for my health and friends.  house in shambles, car a wreck i feel ok and at peace.  this is a perfectly imperfect world.  i've changed.  i love and accept this world.  the only path to lasting change.

i almost missed last 2 episodes disk 3 'just shoot me' 2001.  

this day feels like a week.  i started calling early 8 am took 45 minutes to get to senior center.  swam first time since valentines.  felt good.  bookmobile.  cody had my requests.  told him i'd see him pacific gardens i forgot thursdays at the seniors.  pfft!  out of my head.  rude annoying weirdo watched me puzzling muttering at me.  after lunch she couldn't add to puzzle made nasty snide comments like my mom and sisters.  i called hopper immediately after eating and dispatch program down call back in hour i finished puzzle.  she left in a huff.  

in my head i could hear groucho marx saying 'leave in a huff or a huff and a half.'  Don't go away mad just go away.

8 pm bed nothing on tv.  thought about trying cap one not appealing.  maybe tomorrow.  maybe.  i got e mail re hopper $1.75 charge i verified good.  

checked anthem prime OTC balance $30 not $150 so i went through tome finally found on page 71 not listed in table of contents or silver sneakers page 147.  i added.  i feel like i'm doing their job.  sloppy like burgos.  11:15 pm done.  

childhood terror-exactly 2 weeks since ka-boom

reaching down through the levels to first chakra.  i'm feeling vulnerable.  

12:35 after lunch with trudy, ken, toki, weird woman on puzzle i'm resting.  i arrived 10:30 after 40 minute wait booking ride.  i got marisa again yay!  she loaded case into hatch for me.  i've discovered i love being waited on.  yes, please more healthy happy to enjoy.  

brittney called back.  reviewed pictures but errors in police report and left turn made me at fault.  i wasn't surprised.  we live in a trump world.  i called carlos.  he's on the repairs.  

took 4 hours to get home via.  researching alternatives.  last resort yellow cab.  driver tattooed ashley kept going to bus stop.  missed calls many dispatchers.  1-5 busiest time.

i ordered potassium water softener from amazon.  rose in pp an hour trying to apply for card.  great reward program chase bank.  god in action support all over the world..  

my right toe

my back and neck are good from not carrying anything.  i moved around a lot yesterday without picking up anything heavy like mom or dad.  the most painful thing is my bunion.  

i love not having to do anything.  i'm resenting the senior center.  not toki but it's almost as if after 57 years driving i needed an excuse to stop.  toki was the first person ever in my life to defend me from helen.  

i can fix my car more enlightened about myself.  i don't have to drive if i don't want to.  i can ride hopper.  when it rains i can be chauffeured door to door.  no parking and walking.  better than handicap spaces.  people with walkers should be chauffeured.  driving uses only half the body keeping the muscles unbalanced.  ergo pain.  

i ate spaghetti-os/meatballs for breakfast.  mom said it was too expensive.  anything i wanted they didn't was impossible.  they refused what i wanted.  they denied me everything i wanted and i chose people who denied and negated me.  

drifting in and out of sleep i get it.  i'm re balancing 1999.  especially hellish due to the interference of my parents' other daughters making them sicker.  i got no rest or sleep.  they tortured mom and dad and therefor me.  i had to cope with the fallout.  

ah, feet are transportation stepping forward.  

'just shoot me' tv 1999 dad died

trump and steve harvey.  so much air time again.  celebrity is a necessity to them like the sun.  without attention they'd wither and die.  

so much going on inside me.  

9:30 am called scpd re report talked to chris officer burgos noted differences.  then called brittney 10 she probably doesn't start 'til 11 am pst new jersey time difference so she works 'til late.  

reborn

i'm having the weirdest dreams not knowing where i am feeling safe for the first time in my life.  i'm sleeping like a baby waking every few hours and drifting back asleep.  

noon i called bartolo for ride to sunny he was busy, available 3 pm.  picked up 3 returned 2 movies.  100 piece puzzle of planets.  stopped big lots free 12 oz water i wanted spaghetti-o meatballs.  lucky's free liter zen water i wanted salad mix and 2 clearance $1.49 manana water.  everything i wanted.  i gave bartolo choc shake to try.  home 4 pm exhausted.  put everything away.  ate fish stew with bread.  

i don't know what i'm feeling

i'm looking at aarp tips to de-clutter.  i'm starting small looking for things i've hidden in the mess.  the only way to hide the things i value from my sisters.  i fixed roller case handle.  

i ice picked 3 pieces of frozen pollock crock potted with diced tomatoes.  i cooked onion then carrots then potatoes separately.  so good.  topped with tortilla chips heavenly.  

i'm drinking barley and coconut almond milk.  i bought clearance assortment and due to lack of car i'm using all i stocked up.  i have so much water from car storage.  i had it stocked for emergencies.  i never did it before eric died.  depression and my thieving sisters triggered a perpetual alarm.  

i called walter 5 pm to apologize leaving seniors abruptly.  i was exhausted.  so tired today i forgot i could use hopper 9-5.  slept and ate.  

watching 'christmas lucky charm'

sweet.  i'm too independent.  i'm not needy enough.  i survived being dumped on my 5 year older sister, losing my grandma who took care of me from birth when mom decided to intervene in my life.  mom and dad were so jealous.  every man in my life was a repeat of no one loving me more than loving them.  all my relationships have been competitions.  not relationships at all.  

hopper was very busy.  late going and coming home.  and today tyroon drove into parking lot.  

i got to seniors at 10, stored my things in locker room.  i walked to the post office bought a sheet of 2024 dragon stamps, mission library i returned movies.  new librarian minnie.  16 minutes walk back.  lunch trudy and kenny saved places.  nice to relax.  toki and fred.  lunch was good meatloaf, mash gravy.  i remembered little water.  i won snack bar, 2 tops one new.  walter showed up i left bingo early.  i picked up prepaid turkey sandwich lunch.  i returned cathy and carlos calls.  she got my card spent time emergency.  he sent pictures of car damage.  walter talked to inge and helen.  time for home shared ride.  

3 am

i get to do whatever i want.  being alone has it's advantages.  it can sometimes feel lonely and yet it's pure freedom.  being married to the wrong person was lonelier.  i worked my way out learning my marriage was the result of my childhood.  

when i lived in gilroy ray bradbury lectured at gavilan college.  3 am is when he liked to work, the quietest part of the day with everything else asleep.  he had a filing cabinet.  plain black nondescript.  when he had a thought to save he filed it.  i wonder how he found what he wanted.  

10 am waiting for carlos to come take pictures.  i have all the info on a post it and i'm keeping track of their time.  i called citibank trying to view credit online.  they verified phone but i have to wait 2 days but news tv att phone lines down so could have been that.  

finally carlos knocked on door while i was checking freezer.  he already took pictures i gave him email info he took more pictures.  

'you may be right'

everyone believes they're right no matter the actual facts.  

after lunch which i couldn't eat for depression i downloaded and printed police report marking the discrepancies and called brittney jeffers csaa adjuster.  i'm probably romanticizing her job but she's like a detective putting together the pieces of what happened.  so the more info i can get to her the better.  toki was very subdued as if bad memories.  she never talked about her accidents other than that she's been in a few no details.  

i happily puzzled after setting up with carlos for pictures and e mails.  i called for hopper 20 minutes but tyron indian 15 minutes late and refused to drive in parking lot i walked to street curb in sprinkling rain.  then he talked on his phone most of the ride.  i was glad to say good bye.  

i prayed with silent unity, overloaded my energy

screen went black lost settings.  and i'm ok.  i'm still here.

i deserve happiness.  i'm ignoring everything else.  makes me sad when people lie and blacken their souls.  i happily give them to God.  and trump because of how he was raised believes he's right.  

the story of cain and abel when God asked cain about abel God already knew.  

2 am i'm still feeling upset, still human.  i have lots of movies and natural remedies kava, passionflower, beet, willow, melatonin to change how i feel naturally and silent unity phone prayers.  i'm no longer alone.

ready to start my day

stomach hurting from prepared oatmeal.  too much sugar.  even added plain.

hopper great service so far.  9 minute pick up.  i like being dropped off right in front of senior center.  no parking worries.  most people glad to see me back.  i showed them my bruised knee and arm.  ann in locker room reminded me bookmobile on thursday.  i don't have to walk the mile to mission library in the rain without a hat.  

10 pm i viewed police report she lied said i hit her even though anyone can clearly see from damage to the cars she hit me.  officer burgos chose to omit rain, witnesses walking in rain with umbrellas.  well we live in a trump world.  

voice mail pick up 3 am for 3 pm appointment

i called all the phone numbers since 7 am.  i have to wait until 8 am pacific which i don't understand when i'm calling all over the world all time zones.  i'm a simple soul.  may in the phillipines corrected the scheduled ride took 8 minutes.  i'm feeling humiliated.  all the things i can't do.  

my neck, right hip, headache right temple, i'm so uncomfortable.  my aspergers is screaming.  i took kava, willow, beet, passion.  an hour i'm relaxing, calming down.  5 days since accident more symptoms showing up.

10:10 called unity customer care phone id i didn't have to suffer phone tree.  changed mine to large size auntie and cathy getting daily word.  

watching 'birdies' just what i need.  a ridiculous golf movie.

3 pm uber robot called 4 minutes before pick up.  new stuff.  my butt hurts, neck, shoulder, right eye twitching.  i feel stiff, hard time maneuvering.  sitting waiting.  out of car my blood pressure 191/90.  half hour after accident 149/58 looking pretty good.    

finally wi-fi inside nob hill. turned in hot spot 1/5

i spent a half hour looking for a hot spot in parking lot.  i walked store and sign for recycle up to 50 cans or bottles $2.50.  i called bartolo he's 75 he drove me to sunny i picked up hot spot.  he didn't park where he said.  ha ha.  i'm exhausted.

2:30 i'm finally hungry.  i've been too upset.  3:30 peas, hummus, carrot, tomato, celery, sprouts clearance and v sausages so good.  from my childhood.  i ate grapefruit and chips.  restoring myself.

2/14/24 an unforgettable valentine

it started a usual day with swimming, puzzle, lunch.  a lot of candy.  last night pat sajak talked about his wife annoyed he confused halloween and valentine, both are candy centered.  and hilde lots of lunch leftovers.  i got 2 containers from car for peas and an extra meal.  i puzzled and drove to sprouts as it started to rain.  i walked store.  nothing i wanted.  i drove toward library, crossed san tomas, waited for traffic to clear to turn on las palmas.  raining steadily traffic was heavy, cars stopped to clear intersection so i started turn.  woman with her 2 teen granddaughters white tesla speeding in rain in bike lane hit me on right side front shifting frame 4 inches.  i couldn't open driver door hinge broken.  about 3:30 half hour for emergency to show up 4 pm, police took pictures and report, emt took my blood pressure 149/58 pretty good considering my ordeal.  and monitored oxygen finger clip.  i'm pretty shaken.  i called carlos mechanic who advised me to tow it home by csaa carlos and i'm pretty sure it's totaled.  i called toki for advice.  julie csaa accident claims advised and informed me on procedure.  i'm thinking about renting a car or calling for rides.  huh.  i'm definitely taking tomorrow off.  7:14 pm officer burgos # 36 called for my policy number.  i hope the pictures he took of car damage came out better than my info on his phone.

10 pm i called silent unity for support.  i'm still buzzing.  my knee hurting, chest sore from seat belt, headache.  

2/17 sat.  i've been busy organizing medicare rides to the doctor and local hopper rides.  toki called to check on me provided the phone number.  2 hours on the phone setting up an account south africa, 2 calls to phillipines.  i'm exhausted.  many bizarre nightmares.  3 days recovering.  carlos came yesterday after missed calls 15th.  he advised me to call state farm and have them take pictures of my car.  tesla has 360 camera that only showed footage after impact.  doesn't sound right.  carlos assessed damage sent pictures to repair guy.  thinks 3k.  advised have state farm adjuster take pictures.  if they offer 5 k to fix or 6 to junk.  1/12/22 tow truck driver also carlos.

yesterday mail 97 auntie's daily word  booklet came with mine.  i know she's gone.  toki astonished senior center knows.  omeed is a gossip.  everyone asked her.  

happy aaron

 i want to check savers.  

lovely lunch abe lincoln

i may wait 'til after valentine for cookies.   too many outsiders at lunch today.  thomas, melvin, diane.  i forgot to mail HI valentine cards.  oh well, i made them out yesterday.  

as the mood moves me

11 am i wanted long raw silk dress took me awhile to find.  i wore leopard shirt and tennis shoes.  warm.

cup library i took returns in case and muppets requested.  i picked up holds and double 'just' i cancelled one i took to desk.  i checked libraries online and drove to sunny early.  i sat in the car then walked around the back parking lot.  they removed the offices.  returned 2 picked up 1.  charged chrome and i finished round word puzzle 4 pm stopped at sprouts.  herb already dried out gone.  went in 30% off peach pie.  

i forgot to eat lunch.  i opened canned lentil soup over lettuce greens with steak.  half poppy muffin dessert.  peanuts, chips.  

i bought lunch from senior snack bar.

i used bingo win.  tohir is working for credits.  he gave me peanuts, crackers, ham cheese sand, chips, water, p salad, banana.  reminds me mom never made my lunch or gave me lunch money like the sisters.  the universe is loving me.  sprouts lettuces 99 cents.  someone left can vienna, 2 very green bananas, peach cup, cherry turnover, fork spoon.  perfect since tohir forgot utensils.    

library so calm listening to healing, eating lunch digesting it all.  taxes very full, busy.  

puzzle table maryam 7 more like 10 and aisha 6 more like 2 introduced themselves.  their mother dumps them and goes online.  i apologized to them for the lack of a mother and when they are old like me they can have their happy childhood.  aisha begging for attention wrecked puzzle.  done for the day.  i don't have to suffer trying to put up with discord.  

lack of hot spot ok.  

i rested, living for me in the fireplace chair with feet up.  renewed i fixed the puzzle.  library closed 4 home at 4:30 i finally remembered the perfect steaks.  i dredged in cinnamon and grilled on electric hibachi sitting in living room watching tv.  heaven.  washed immediately easily.  delicious sliced steak green salad honey mustard dressing.  heated hibachi to dry thoroughly.  put away voila!  

made it through another week

 i won $5 snack bar and picked chopper and exchanged it for cookies.  yay! me!!  

oh so good

i have so much.  seniors lunch was good company fred and toki.  lonesome melvin desperate to make friends.  i remembered cookies and snack bags.  i started new puzzle and forgot short day.  i went to sprouts bought 20 % off cherry pie and 99 cent ice cream 2, and camembert cheese 2 looks just like brie but not as tasty.  library i puzzled 'til 5:30.  it's funny i have no desire to go to savers.  

hilde offered to give me 3 fish lunches but den and chinese lady were there and i only wanted one.  then i took mix veg and can mushroom soup, cut up cooked chicken, potatoes and onions.  

post disappeared. i was having more fun!

my remote disappeared this morning too.  i was watching 'the dial of destiny' and i wanted to pause and i looked everywhere, moved everything, crawled around looking under everything and like magic gone.  and i'm ok.  last year i'd be sick.

i go to sprouts in the afternoon when they markdown.  mornings they started taking off 20% then if it doesn't sell bargain.  nothing i want.

came home found it!  remote was under blanket.  how it got under there i don't know.  my back was hurting i'm listening.  i stopped at nob hill to pick up ads and 59 cent 4 burritos.  i forgot i could connect and update at nob hill.  

seniors 8:30

i swam, puzzled, lunched roast beef sandwich and got leftover veg pasta, and puzzled 'til 5:30.  wheel wouldn't load.  i checked sprouts 3 vegan cheese 99 cents ea 7.5 oz.  home 6 pm.  such a lovely day.  i melted 3 slices on left overs for dinner.  pretty good.  

chinese new year

i drove to cup library through torrential rains and winds i could feel the car shaking.  exciting i've never experienced.  i couldn't find half my returns, looked through car and trunk.  drove home nothing must be in trunk found it drove back to library problem with checkout alicia gonzales looked and will trace.  last year i would have been sick, this year i'm ok.

arrived at sunny for 2 pm lion dance so no parking.  i had to park by police city hall.  i've never seen a bigger crowd.  i drove around and around hundreds of cars.  spaces blocked off for performers.  lots of asian families with infants, toddlers, young kids.  so cute.  i stood in p f chang speedy line for lettuce wrap and salad.  i charged chrome listened to healing and puzzled 'til 4:30 then home i watched "royal family" created produced by eddie murphy.  an exhausting day.  

seniors swim-i've been thinking how every civilization imploded from its own weight.

sprouts clearance substantial turkey dinner $1.86 and 2 cooked breasts 99 cents.  i put into freezer bags in trunk.  i ate for lunch and dinner with pie, so much turkey 3 x senior lunch.  I am full of sugar.  i napped from 3-8:30.  i watched grio awards.  so satisfying.  and wheel.

i can sit in the warm tub at seniors and reflect on how the greeks, roman and english empires all rotted from within and that's what trump is the instrument of america's destruction.  the evolution of human behavior to destroy democracy.  

6:37 oh my back

i did too much too late.  b'fast the third cooked fish steak.  

picked up free water lucky's and corn chips for guacamole.  i want to keep my corn chips.  checked out sprouts, seniors i showered, puzzled, lunched.   because of bingo served early so didn't get a chance for chips.  everyone late.  bingo i won late so snickerdoodles.  walter showed up late i still had to deposit.  

and walked sprouts.  new policy of 20% off until afternoon then $1.99.  

time for pants

i started wearing skirts and dresses because of mobility issues.  i'm doing better.  i'm feeling better.  not wracked with pain.  occasionally when i eat the wrong thing or do something careless.  and i had to be the boy in the family so i had to wear pants.  

carlos at 1 pm waiting for engine cooling for oil change.  then mail bill @ post office, withdraw at chase, main return hot spot.  and maybe savers.  or deposit.  or pay bartolo.  a full day.

i went chase then straight to savers so much to see.  yellow tags half off bought another suitcase $5.  glasses frame cracked broke i found possible fix.  3.5 hours i could look everyday.  library i found 2 quarters copy room, puzzled half hour, turned in spot.

st on the way home 3 boxes pantry i took 2 bags of frozen pollock, beets, celery.  stewed 3 pieces in honey mustard so good with chopped salad.  

i so deserve the best.

sprouts 99 cent salad, guacamole, curry chicken.  senior lunch ok.  family always treated me horribly.  and now i'm treating myself.  so much goodness to enjoy.  still feeling tentative.  i'm getting used to the best.

i slept through the night

unusual for me.  i sleep like a baby waking 1-2 times.  watched book club next chapter.  eh, ok.  i don't like to travel i want it to come to me.  

seniors no hot water-maintenance.  like every year.  everyone in pool so i got to be one of the great unwashed.  maybe 10% shower before jumping into water.  i tubed an hour and voila! hot water.  whew, i don't like leaving chlorine in everything.  and i got to watch a moon set.  it was beautiful hanging in the sky 8:30 am.  

annoying alien is using puzzle table i'm in computer room.  movie won't play.  maybe the computer i'll ask at main.  i called carlos oil change thursday after lunch.  lunch alt chick salad good big, fresh tomatoes.  

i puzzled, went to main puzzled, picked up requests, on to savers purple tags half.  next door eggs then sunny picked up requests, used sewing machine fixed patched arts pants.

10 pm 61 degrees.  like summer.

i love seeing normal

the blog format starts at normal.  woke at 7 drank shake and got gas at cost co at 8 no line.  i swam, lunched, puzzled 'til 5.  i am blessed.  

savers opened november

i used to drive to redwood city, 3 san jose stores, milpitas.  i'm feeling blessed savers is here now.  i'm still adapting to having it so close.  

my feet hurt the nerves are waking up.  

joy ride 2023

the first truly free A Z N women.  funny, smart, makes me happy.  cleverly written and produced.  se the tone for a good day.

i swam, i puzzled, i bought last clearance crab cakes and cooked one package.  good domestic day.  too's day pick at sunny and using sewing machine.  

i'm bored and grateful

i've had plenty of drama and peace is wonderful.  this explains the insanity of war.   putin was bored so he invaded ukraine killing people on both sides.  

dino said no bingo and i didn't ask.  they probably need the room.  mom always said 'the standing nail gets hammered down' and she punished me plenty when i did well.  so i avoid attention.  i can go to savers or home early.  cathy and alamida sick.

i picked up free chips and clearance perfect sirloin steaks.  if they weren't perfectly marbled no fat or gristle i would have passed.  

i'm feeling lovely relaxed.  annoying woman like a bad cat.  sits in the middle of puzzle table provoking confrontational conversation, i'd rather leave.  she's a senior so knows better won't do better.  the beauty of seniors no excuses no need to tolerate.  unteachable.  i have my older sister for that.  the job is filled.  motivation for me to choose again.  probably the most useful exercise from doing the 'course in miracles.'  being autistic it was simple for me.  i'd put the affirmation on a 3x5 index card with the instructions and take it with me all day.  

i don't miss bingo.  puzzling is more fun and relaxing.  i can move and groove.  i'm stretching my legs and back.  college safeway clearance frozen crab cakes 5/$2.99 and 3 lbs egg potato salad $5.  plus 99 cent sprouts salad perfection.

my neuropathy is improving

 my feet legs hips hurt and weigh a lot.  my ankles are swollen.  the nerves are reconnecting.

good swim.  20 minutes then cody bookmobile.  2 new movies 'oppenheimer' and 'lamya's poem' rumi poetry.  

i love reading my blog-55 degrees warmer than spring

i'm feeling quietly normal.  

inge called me back monday voice mail.. she's in hayward for eye surgery.

seniors i tubed for an hour.  lunch veg lasagna good and cheesy.  amber had filling out food survey drawing i won lunch bag.  i finished puzzle and walked sprouts.  bought clearance salty snacks.  decided i needed home time 3:30 domestic chores.  did some mending.  wearing to stretch joanie boots.  hemming pj more than i thought.  cooked rainbow carrots.  purple ones taste like clove.  cooked 2 pockets, ate 1.  i have salad i want some chili noodles.  so good.

global warming 55 degrees

what an amazing world.  warmer than a spring morning.  i swam early 8:30, lunch ok with toki and fred.  i puzzled before and after lunch.  before i knew it 3 pm, walked sprouts snack $7.  i'm worth it.  savers senior day before i knew it, 6 pm.  my new favorite day.  humming bird wind chime $3, jewel pens 10 for $5, owl shopping suitcase $3, gerber carving knife $5, 4 unicorn head bands $1 ea, goo.  never too late to have a happy childhood.  i'm quite happy.

56 degrees

 i went to seniors early.  i swam, lunched and puzzled 'til 6.  yay! me!

mr skeffington 1944-cream rises to the top

i'm so happy.  i can do what i want when i want today.  special features and more movie edited to fit tv time slot.  made me cry.  it's set world war one and two, skips great depression.  love story of unrequited love until the end.  complete movie makes more sense better continuity.

thinking about 'igor' it has so much of my life.  cartoon form suicide, physical mental abuse, family dysfunctional issues and love.  so many funny jokes and lots of silliness.  and 'i can see clearly now' one of my go to karaoke songs.  on a par with 'good morning, starshine'.  great music overall.  funny it's never been on tv.

i did it all.  i went to cup drop off pick up then sunny book sale i found 'bowfinger'.  so i bought bags' worth.  then inspired 3 pm i drove to sunny atria and saw art masunaga # 241 open 8am-8pm library delivery.  i visited half hour before rain.  i remembered i wanted hot pockets 12 for $10.  i splurged on $2.99 hungry man chicken dinner.  mom always said tv dinners were too expensive while she went out to lunch everyday.  no wonder she was fat.  

perfection makes me want to cry

my back, neck, legs hurting from sitting.  i don't know how people do it.  sitting an hour and half at bingo torturous.  

i'm feeling blessed i can go to Savers and walk to my heart's content.  i get to look at new things everyday.  open 7 days.  

me so naughty.  female chinese black dyed success permed tried to reserve shower put towel over rod.  after 10 minutes i put it in my bag.  when she comes back sees it peeking from my bag.  i made her work to get it back.  so rude to keep others from showers.  now i know the feeling of satisfaction of mom and alien taking from me.  they never loved me.   woman watching smiled at me.  like she knew too.  

sprouts beet salad with raw red onions.  reduced to $6.12 doesn't list feta or glazed walnuts.  i used chop sticks i keep in car to enjoy at library.  25 cent choc cake, more $1.99 cherries.  i ate some last night they were so good i ate them all.  today's not as good.  ok for the price.  

i fixed sweater inge gave me.  sewing the lining was easier than i imagined.

planning my day

i loaded my shopping offers.  i want to pay a gas bill at walmart.  did it.  3' ice and brush metal 75 cents and 2 orange hostess cupcake $1.58.  i picked up lucky's free soda and chips $1.99 cheapest.  went to sprouts 10:30 2 blueberry pies, 2 half rye loafs and cherries $1.99/lb.  i gave toki pie cherries and banana.  she doesn't want to celebrate her birthday so i'm giving her what i want when i want. 

mom must have been a secret eater.  to maintain the weight a great deal of time is involved.  i never saw her eating other than dinner.  she didn't eat b'fast, worked.  unless she drank her calories.  alcohol puts on the pounds. 

lunch portions were tiny.  3 times left overs and hill doesn't know soybeans.  bingo i picked $5 snack bar and small red dress bag.  i'll offer to inge for her b'day.   

i made it through another week.

i love it

sitting seniors waiting for lunch on our devices.  me, shan, eddy.  electronic family.  toki recognized shan immediately.  diane sat with linda.  went to dentist kepr me waiting.  unusual.  sprouts i got last lemon danish special woman came up trying to talk me out of it.  not.  went to main and picked up 'igor' then proceeded to walk savers 'til 6 pm.  half off changed wed from blue to silver.

right toe, right toe hurts from eating doughnut holes.  yet, so delicious.  

watching 'life with father'

1947 movie set in 1883 new york.  i never thought of it before i never noticed.  beautiful depiction of wealthy all white history.  as if non whites didn't exist.  amazing.  and the fact wall street existed before social security.  so many things to consider.  children only know what they see.

seniors at 9:30 no parking.  i read and organized my day.  10 am a dozen parking spaces opened.  relaxing swim, lunch eddie, toki, diane.  i puzzled for a bit new 1000 piece boring.

perfect cool sunny laundry day lots of company.  finished charging chrome.  then sprouts walked store late.  can of curried chickpeas.  home unloaded and easily hung everything.  basketball i stayed up to watch wheel of fortune.  i couldn't finish watching ken jennings show.  

boo, hiss anthem blue+ downgraded me

oh, i'm so happy.  after senior swim and lunch i went to savers senior day.  i found 2 hair dryers, my movie 'life with father', and a new 700 watt microwave.  so happy i unloaded car easily.  i considered sewing at sunny 6-8.  i feel stronger.

while waiting for 5 pm i called to check my otc benefits and $30 instead of $125.  what!!??  so i called the phone # on anthem card and got southern cal.  care more now care lon only south.   connected me to north anthem blue who connected me to corey bruffett.  i now have more free benefits 'medicare prime'.  took 81 minutes.  too late for this week.  

happy holiday to me

walking thrift stores would be good exercise.  or costco.  or i have 10 new movies.  

'blind willow sleeping woman' took watching 3 times to figure out.  the special features are in french with frequently unreadable captions.  i looked it up online.  they seem confused no info.  finally i noticed the writer director composer french based on japanese short stories.  

i went to nob hill for specials and then on to savers.  it's self check out and i spent hours walking and looking at everything.  blue is half price.  i bought an organizer and ornament hooks.  then grocery outlet chips $2.19 and $3 eggs.  i ate the last eggs this morning.

i'm staying up to watch jeopardy.  wheel was great.

11:30 cup library

8 requests ready they say 6 online.  i checked and i'm waiting 'til i'm ready to go.  2 didn't check out i took to desk and she was weird wanting id when i'd already checked out 6.  

i hot tubed 9-10:30.  i had cactus barbs on my suede boots.  i noticed and removed with paper towels.  ginny shouted across the pools as i was leaving.  i drove cup library and ate my banana in the car.  laid out my wet towel and suit.  beautiful warm sunny day i can wash laundry or go puzzle in sunny.   no puzzle i like.  i ate cottage cheese and crunchy bar in car.  i started puzzle 'til 4 bad allergies and a cough er didn't cover his mouth no attempt.  my eyes itch and nose runs and i don't care, i'm calm and accepting.  i stopped at sprouts $13+ for dark chocolate pepitas and mint almonds 2 pieces chocolate cake.  i'm celebrating all my ignored birthdays.  i'm learning to enjoy life.

i have everything i need. 3 day weekend

and i deserve it.  i've worked very hard at being my best me.  constant vigilance.  

noon sprouts clearance sandwich and potato salad, orange cheese and lemon bites.  i debated buying 2 and decided i deserve it.  i stopped at st j new store after senior swim.  most relaxing.  library i picked up 3 movies.  I ate my lunch and laughed a lot.  so many funny kids.  home 4:30 time to putter. 

celebrity jeopardy 3 hours.

37 degrees out-mallory puzzle bookcases

i pray for all without shelter.  so many i know had childhoods without comfort and now remain on the streets.  they have habits and patterns that don't allow them peace.  i'm afraid for them knowing i'm not qualified or capable to help them.  i send them loving thoughts.  walter was homeless with his dad and last conversation considered living out on the streets again to avoid the conflict with apartment management.  unfortunately there's always going to be something to stir the waters.  

walter came by seniors 3 pm center closing after his counselor.  i didn't win bingo but remembered i wanted $5 friday potato salad and cooked beef roast.  and i found 2 clearance argan oil lavender shampoo.  score!  

morning i picked up lucky's free drink and clearance 4 piece bacon wrapped chicken breast stuffed with jalapeno sausage.  i microwaved one high-2:22 simmer 14 minutes so good.  and i ate 2 pounds salad already.  i'm set for 3 day weekend.

my first macGyver 1/1/87 original air date

henry winkler produced.  i was busy surviving 1985-92.  it's amazing the audience didn't get bored with the solves.

i swam remembering to avoid 10:30 locker room traffic jam.  lunch ok companions a hoot scraping sauce off turkey burger.  i didn't want extra food or bag lunch.  i bought a clearance sandwich from sprouts and lucky's burritos are exactly what i want.  

winners on wheel are bold, don't mind wrong answers.  so many are afraid to answer wrong and don't buzz in.  and don't win.

i enjoy driving again (hot spot) mashallah!= thank god!

pakistani film 'what's love got to do with it' about love, arranged marriage and the modern world better than i imagined.

listening to 'red bird christmas'.  i was sitting in traffic enjoying stop light.  makes a huge difference.  i swam an hour.  feeling it in my legs and hips.  potato salad i bought another sack lunch from layne.  puzzled while drying my hair after lunch.  stopped raining i parked under main open windows to air towel and suit.  adopted a lunch and cookies.  puzzled, charged devices home 6 pm.

oh, no basketball.  wheel on 10 pm.  i get to do what i want.

taking time off

wow 11 and parking.  i puzzled and the locker room was packed.  new pool class started.  lunch ok lee wanted to gossip i refused.  i can do that now.  i wasn't allowed by family forced to hear dirt about anyone.  lies.  ear pollution.  depressing to be related to such slime.

bought potato salad $5 bag lunch only p b j i got banana, chips replaced apple.  milano cookies, water, almonds.  best deal for dinner.

walking shopping is my new exercise.  i walked prune lucky's checked leg warmers may not be marked down by the vendor, green burritos 2/$1.  stopped and walked homestead safeway 79 cents burrito, no xmas gifts.  i bought chocolate parfait $3.49 got cash.  

hurrah!  9 pm i'm awake to watch 'only murders in the building'.  'embrace the mess.'  i love it so much.  i get to choose my family.  they may be pretend but they're enough for me.

delightful 'til walter

i went 9:30 puzzled 'til 10:30.  showered, ate chef salad, extra bean stew.  puzzled more and walter showed up 2 pm.  he's stuck and fights to stay stuck.  he's more invested in self pity than happiness.  oh, well.  everyone has a right to their vision of heaven.  

better or worse.  i feel worse after walter.  he replays his tapes not living just dredging up his pain over and over.  he treasures his anxiety by refusing to try new responses.  i run from pain he rolls in it.  i have to cut him loose.  he doesn't want a better life.  he rehashed November again.  i feel like i lost 2 months of life.  i left at 5 then returned to use wi-fi.  took half hour.  

i rested 'til 3

i considered libraries.  i decided to check out wi-fi at nob.  i walked store got ad.  then lovely warm on to cost co gas $3.99.  line i picked i was second car.  all 3 pumps cleared.  so 10 minutes.  i went to gym parked #1 space but showers tepid.  i tried 3.  ok.  walked lucky's, checked leg warmers not reduced yet and home. 

epiphany

noon at the library.  i'm celebrating the kings gifting the Christ child.

i picked up groceries at st just.  bought sprouts clearance sandwich, apple cider baked 9 doughnut holes reg price $9, 3 mini quiche.  lots of clothes, blanket, towels st just.  time to do laundry.  

home i left cantaloupe and salad for birds.  i considered sorting food in garage decided to take assortment home.  took me 2 hours to put everything way.  i wore back brace.  i tried to open garage freezer was iced shut.  i turned off power and opened with bucket for ice, slot screw driver and hammer,  tossed some freezer burns.  took 10 minutes while cheese pizza cooking.  i managed.  

tried something didn't work

no hot spot.  page wouldn't stay open.  the beauty is the chrome stays charged.  

i tried nob hill parking lot free wi-fi if i can remember to go.  pot, long term loss of short term memory.  i remembered i condensed shampoos and recycled the bottle.  i'm officially an ani-maniac.  

showered, people asked me why space in parking lot, fewer people, no pools for swim.  people don't think.  played on new puzzle.  lunch diane gave me used almond cheese.  i love trying different.  

stayed up watched wheel

pat sajak's retiring his last year.  i'm feeling wonderful.  weirdly different from the last 25 years.  it's weird not feeling dreadful.  i'm looking forward to going to sunny, returning hot spot, giving up wi fi.  i feel ok.  i puzzled 'til 5.  nob little beef bean burritos 59 cents ate 4.  

oh, so good.

cherry pie with cream.  yum.  i love dairy.  so good.  i walked sprouts bought clearance cheese  i swam, lunched, deposited and checked sprouts.  went to main and puzzled 'til 6.  i'm pleasantly tired.

basketball tonight i may sleep early.  last night 'murders in the building' lasted 'til 11.  

forgot bank card

and i forgive myself.  i swam i'm so stiff.  i missed the tub.  sun hot and wind cold all day.  lunch ok.  nice to get back.  i resisted but once here ok.  went by sprouts no bargains.  

bart came by put out both green bins a few fence wood.  he's asked me a dozen times since 8/2022.  i asked him to put it out during cleanup he can't remember.  guilty conscience clouds memory.  got card drove to chase flora vista.  limits have changed i withdrew $1690 to pay bart and cost co and my bills.  

for the first time in my life i'm not hungry.  i've always felt something was lacking.  yesterday and today doing all i want.  

taking my time

no football yay!  wheel of fortune.!!

i showered at gym 2 half of 8 showers broken.  walked big safeway nothing i wanted.  scooted across to sprouts 2 special cherry half pies 99 cents ea.  driving home i considered panda express checked maria deli.  donut and cash.  whole foods disco deli.  I remembered sunny bought hot teriyaki chicken thigh and tomato cod $12.99/lb hot and salad bar $7.53.  home at 2 pm lunch and dessert.  slept to 'strays'.   

perfect new year's.  i've been recovering the last 23.  my new year always belonged to the family.  toki driving to fresno for family reminded me.  i never even considered what i wanted to do.  i wasn't allowed.  i feel so free.  mom's last new year's alien forbid me to attend and mom agreed.  i was happy i got to sleep in and i was always the one helping mom cook.  2001 the beginning of the end and a new beginning.