Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Last four days of pain7*16*13-Tue

Sunday I started having flashbacks to my depressed childhood.  Children have no concept of death only the absence of suffering.  I curled up and rode out the emotional pain I've blocked out for so long.  The mind can only take a finite amount and then just shuts down.  The experiences all get stored in the muscles and tissues.  So I'm riding wave after wave of pain.

My life was torture.  A made my life hell.  She took out everything mom did to her out on me.  Her life was much better.  She had family to comfort her and celebrate her.  Aunts, uncles, cousins.  I've spent the majority of my life feeling sorry for her and making excuses for her when she had it soooo much better than me.

And m had the best of the family.  Well, I'm finally having a happy childhood.  People who care for me and about me.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

7*14*13-Pandora's box of memories

Had flashback of childhood humiliation.  Feelings of depression and futility.  Had my first flash of fear.  Kids have no concept of death only wanting the feelings to stop.  I've spent most of my life depressed. 

The transition from anger didn't happen.  I was depressed when I had no joy.

My earliest memories started when I had no vocabulary.  My depression just was.  My in utero experience was one of stress and frustration.  

My smoking started before I was born.  Dad smoked and mom lit them.  How frustrating to have her complain about his smoking and have her buy them and light them for him.  My insane family and their insane behavior.  And when questioned, mom said it was cheaper to buy cartons than by the pack.  Maybe he smoked more then, too.  She made him lazy by doing too much for him.

She increased his insanity by making excuses for his behavior.  And putting her seal of approval on it even when she knew he was wrong.  What's wrong with her??