Had flashback of childhood humiliation. Feelings of depression and futility. Had my first flash of fear. Kids have no concept of death only wanting the feelings to stop. I've spent most of my life depressed.
The transition from anger didn't happen. I was depressed when I had no joy.
My earliest memories started when I had no vocabulary. My depression just was. My in utero experience was one of stress and frustration.
My smoking started before I was born. Dad smoked and mom lit them. How frustrating to have her complain about his smoking and have her buy them and light them for him. My insane family and their insane behavior. And when questioned, mom said it was cheaper to buy cartons than by the pack. Maybe he smoked more then, too. She made him lazy by doing too much for him.
She increased his insanity by making excuses for his behavior. And putting her seal of approval on it even when she knew he was wrong. What's wrong with her??