2 more do nothing days

watching 'doc martin' dvd better than the first time on tv.  i can re watch uncomfortable bits 'til i feel better.  this is the year i use bigger screen.  

i went to walmart for a walk not knowing pharmacy opens 10 on sat.  i walked all over when i thought i'd check customer service desk.  i bought 3 biotin using rest of medicare due to expire today.  stopped walked homestead safe way.  still feeling ok swam gym.  had to park behind gym raining steadily.  just like hawaii 60 degrees without the 5 hour flight.  funny to walk in rain to swim in gym.  lunch b king burger jr fries chocolate candy and nap 1:30 almost 3 hours exhausted.  

i'm very pleased with my day.

i've driven 200+ miles

in 3 weeks.  it's not just me.  the world has replaced person to person relationships with tv the appearance of relationships.  social networks are the logical extension.  

i drove past cost co twice too crowded lunch and evening.  i'll try tomorrow.  

best time in history to be old

25 50 100 years ago misery to be old.  it's still no picnic but age is no longer treated like a contagious disease.  the industry of health care is little better than witchcraft with doctors parasites living off the elderly puffing themselves up as experts when most are only concerned with getting paid.  not interested in learning of a situation we're all destined to experience if we're lucky enough wise enough to live long enough to be old.  "live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse."

3 days left i tried ordering online otc walmart medicare for half hour got frustrated.  came home ate dinner called on hold hour took persia 7 minutes to fill my order.  due by 12/31.  i have $32 i can spend in store.  

i keep forgetting gw closed for remodel

i went my b'day and was disappointed and saved money.  

i went gym 8:30.  despite rain parking crowded.  steady rain all day.  checked dollar trees for multi completely out today.  none.  sunny vale finished 2 puzzles.  pondered using safeway gift cards for multi.  wolf i turned to browse clearance.  $3.50/60 multi women 60+.  2 more bottles $6 ea.  go figure.  dinner i cooked more potato carrot celery so salty.  added to last of chicken.  garlic bread for dessert.  

great oldies westerns.  lucille ball, loretta young.  celebrity jeopardy.  

24 hour rest

unlike 2001 bed rest vacation.  plenty of cooked food feeling ok.  24 hour fitness just open.

thinking of course in miracles.  i am here only to be truly helpful.  the only difference between heaven and hell.

i ate 3 pieces lemon cake and i'm feeling guilty so tasty.  i've always given away the best since mom always took it away to give to my sisters or just so i couldn't enjoy it.  alien throwing in garbage so i couldn't enjoy.  ouch.  so mean and cruel.  i couldn't figure out the crazy.

i'm marathon watching doc martin backwards 9-6.  listening to healing releasing guilt as non stop as i can.  change takes commitment.

happy b'day jesus woke midnight

i stopped expecting presents when i was 8.  while my sisters unwrapped their heart's desires i unwrapped socks, underwear for the year knowing i would wear hand me downs.  a new nightie and toothbrush for new year's was mandatory not to be used 'til then.  i thought i was cinderella.  always dressed in rags the servant, scapegoat, blamed for every misery and misfortune.  a strange feeling of impotent power.  amazing i didn't go crazy.  maybe the autistic disconnect saved me.  separated me from feeling permanent pain.  there's a common misconception we don't feel pain because we don't lash out.

people inflict pain when hurting like a rabid dog biting and killing.  

i choose love

louise hay and course in miracles.  fear or love i choose love.  we choose what and how we feel by willing.  mom slapped me to stop my crying to make herself feel better.  i wonder if it did make her feel better.  

maybe bullies are trying to force the world to love them.  sounds right since bullying is stupid.  violence is stupid.  destruction without purpose. 

thor love thunder

i'm loving it.  watched it 3 times so far.  taika waititi brilliant unless ideas stolen.  i'm carefully cynical.  like gorges calling my phone to test my veracity if i'm a liar.  why would he want anything to do with someone he thought a liar.  

actually forgot my purse home in packing x mas goodies.  10:53 seniors after returning to get bag in case i find something to buy.  oh dear i just realized i didn't plan on hilda and heather.  they get paid to be here.  i gave heather pen jessica cookies.  toothbrushes, lip balm.  

forgot safeway wed freebie freaked alien.  small c raisin.  oh, well.  i survived.  diane is major energy vampire.  i release toke.  

baked chicken

set it aside.  did a lot already w/o brace.  we'll see how i go.  back right ribs muscles screaming sore from trying to pull mom from tub 2001.  all damage right side from that event.   neck eye must be collateral damage.

loaded free lucky's seltzer.  12 days christmas to go with clearance coconut pineapple from walmart yesterday when i paid pge.  9 am lots of gym parking.  

doing what i want when i want is heavenly.  i decided next week when everything but lunch shut down good laundry time.  heather pissed county lunch program no vacation like regular employees.  i'll go sunny vale.  

puzzled main hour half.  lunch lovely company chick parmesan ok.  resting legs up.  picked up hold used coupon for 3 in one romance movies.  tomorrow last day no sat.  sunny closed  23-26.  4 days.  kids are howling must be in anticipation of rain tonight.  

watching another mother shouldn't have had kids.  everything for her entertainment.  not fit mom just a bigger kid.  that's where bullies come from generational.  

celebrity wheel of fortune tonight.  i boned chicken so delicious.  i cooked it 4 hours 350.  so juicy tender.  

no bread,swam,bread

11 sitting outside seniors.  i'm feeling rattled.  found box from alien from cousin carol in HI.  she's so sneaky.  she has 2 notes inside hermetically sealed usps box with carol return address.  one note blah blah blah and carol address same as on box hinting to write thank you like right.  

7 pm still feeling freaked out.  unwrapped 9 bubble: 2 pretzel, 2 pine cookies, 2 chip cookies, sesame p brittle, choc mac, chex mix, arare, preserved fruit i gave to toke, pilot crackers diane, calendar.  i'll take tomorrow.  i showed toke my good aileen.  the consensus being ignore her she's just trying to ruin my holidays.  

today

what i want.  laundry st just both.  i'm loving this break from seniors.  it feels like a 2 week vacation.  just show up for lunch.  i feel blessed.  i can do what i want no one yelling at me ordering me about criticizing everything about me even the way i breathe. stand, look.  my clothes, hair, too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny.  i was never right.  heather=my sisters.  poor thing stuck with herself 24/7.  

the good thing about a miserable childhood is it's done and adulthood is whatever you make it.

i picked up lucky's freebie bio steel drink.  swam beautiful 84 degree.  stretched hot tub.  drove to safeway clearance 2 hula hoops fudge cookies.  st just pantry and clothes.  took home back to seniors 11.  amazing how fast.  alex and toke diane.  good chicken mole too excited to eat.  main library puzzle 2 hours back to safeway last day sale frozen veg using gift cards.  happy me.  home wore brace put everything away lots of food.  3 bags.  good lemon streusel bundt cake toasted almond bear claw.  taking care of me.

thought i broke chrome

i loaded lucky's freebie bean dip 15 oz. picked up, then swam gym, mailed cards, stopped safeway clearance 3 halloween spiders $4 so happy batteries included bargain.  puzzled main an hour.  i love lunch seniors and back to main puzzle.  chrome fell out of  passenger seat underground parking scratching 2 corners weird.  seemed ok.  i listened to healing while puzzling for hour.  underground parking stopped working.  came home to use old chrome charging hot spot malfunctioning chrome is good.  i reset spot and everything working.  my guilt feeling too happy.  old family punishment ptsd. hated me happy.  still making me cringe.  wore brace all day babying myself.  my family never supported me now i support myself in being the happiest me i can be.

free safeway dairy

2 yogurt drinks 32 oz each.  went to maria 8 am 33 degrees already sold out found quarter penny.  changed store to gym 2 mgr 'shipment 10 hours overdue'.  i hot tub ed relaxed watching british kids swim class toddlers in 80 degree water.  brr.  9-11.lovely relaxed easily.  back to safeway both brands.  2 hours before library open i looked up home depot rheem water soft clean.  none in stock site kept sending me to seattle wash store.  tried online delivery round and round.  in store ordered pick up from santa clara.  decided panera lunch steak swiss and found quiche for tomorrow.  ate half lunch.  decided to change lucky rewards to matilda.  had to buy something old fashioned do nut for dessert free french bread.  time for library 2 puzzles picked up movies time for santa clara home depot lafayette.  done and done.  sliced delicious fresh baked bread.  and free hummus.

extremely productive day.

dr northrup-energy vampires

 mom's threats and suicide 2003 energy vampire.  

went looking freebie gym lucky none and bad attitude whereas saratoga lucky lots of product and happy people.  showered, drank ensure, flirted w/alex.  b'king chick fingers fries.  main noon ate some lunch relaxed in car.  went upstairs 45 min puzzle.  then over to st just hall 1 pm.  started home and decided to check saratoga lucky clearance 3/$4.  smoke brats 6/$5  no freebie on shelf i got to checkout forgot money in car.  apologized to clerk i was so focused on remembering freebie.  he pointed out stand front door full of freebies.  paid for everything found 4 fabric shopping bags $6.99 tag went back to buy.  mis priced but he gave me sale price.  i forgot to add to rewards went to office to add and cathy added 100 points.

ate 2 brats and cooked some potato carrot.  restoring my body.  thought about sunny library requests.  don't want to overdo.

in my soul i create my perfect family

i'm watching 'good karma hospital'.  with 'kim's convenience' i'm creating the family i need to sustain my spirit.  maybe what life is really about.  i watched and shared in father daughter death and funeral.  my dad died still a baby.  mom never let him grow up.  

35 degrees 7:30 to 43 at 10 am.  so freezing.  i made 2 egg french toast in micro.  i had 3 pieces nut bread.  a little water 2 beaten eggs soak bread 2 minutes nuked voila!  

lunch tasty.  chicken squash stew brown rice black beans.  no room for diane was pissed at main. joanie showed up so late brought me 1 k puzzle new.  library i started new puzzle half hour ribs hurting.

safeway i finally remembered to return 2 wrong flavor p'nuts.  refunded to discover.  bought 2 unsalted made $4.  found out less than $1 no value on gift card.  28 cents.  

almond hummus

much tastier than chickpea.  more substantial.  tastes more protein.  

can't find st just letter.  looked through car and roll y time for home.  i'm lining up doc martin catch up.  i forgot i used to watch religiously before eric died.  i want to see junior and louisa.  

resting main same puzzle good or i'd forget and overdo.  oh me oh my.  checked lucky's forgot 12 days of christmas freebies hummus day 3.  i wanted to buy flavored butter didn't register she gave me for $1.  

looked everywhere found letter.  i used dr christiane northrup advice forgave my self.  

pain free

i don't know why or how.  if i did i'd do it all the time everyday and night religiously.  b'fast savory oatmeal choc ginger chicken feta dip delicious. 

seniors paid utilities 2 days late didn't enter on calendar.  done and done.  spent half hour listening to healing doing accounting bills.  car warming up 43 degrees 9 am.  

women's league lunch cooked from scratch turkey gravy stuffing, orange cranberry, mixed veg, pecan feta cranberry green salad creamy balsamic dressing, roasted potatoes.  so excellent alex, ron, toke, joanie.  made me laugh she lied ron didn't get pumpkin bite after he ate, lunch delivery slow.  such a fun loving group.  alex spent time on phone for parkinsons glove trials found scope.  is applying.  

free to be me

the first time i have no one to criticize condemn what i do and how i do.  i have people in my world who love and accept me just as i am at seniors.  i have my movies substitute large family i always wanted.  the family i lost when we came mainland.

mitt must be aware of gardener so she's reaching out to saddle me with alien.  no thank you.

mom taught both take take take. 

6:30 am freezing 37 degrees outside.  lovely lunch toke, alex, diane.  3 hours puzzle at main ready to relax.  last day b'day panera and nob sale.  hmm...how much do i want it?  

just saw cute alex from 24.  time to move.  decided s c pan blue muff drove home continued to under nob parking had my favorite soup and peas less than safeway.  home 5 pm.

got my jury duty dismissed for 12 months

one benefit of getting old and feeble.  i submitted online registration 11/16 day after getting notice and today i received postcard.  so almost a month.  

beautiful sunny day 8:30 i went to cost co gas.  light traffic drove in, filled tank $3.99/g, drove out 10 minutes.  seniors i organized car showered stretched puzzle.  lovely lunch toke alex ron joanie.  toke always remembers comics.  decided to try cole man cost co hard getting into park.  looked for garlic herb almond none bought coconut dark choc not first rate ok.  checkout i mentioned hot dog when she asked anything else i paid with rebate avoiding kiosk.  no polish anymore.  so good.  drove around back to avoid traffic.  on to sunny vale movie pick up pop up sale i bought 2 movies.  computed a little saw mail preview reply from jury duty dismissed 12 months.  home 4;30 ate hot dog.

8:30 i could eat another.  nothing i want on commercial tv bed and movies.  

2001

so horrible.  mom died attacked by sisters no one for me.  i was too sick to care it's coming back to me.  all that experience stored chemically in my body is processing sickening.  the hell i've lived is leaving creating space for more heaven.  

i'm just riding pain out.  chemical storage releasing.  everything hurts.  jaws skull neck stomach feels sore.  muscular control again.  i've been doing too much without brace.  kept me sick.  nurse isn't going to help and lose a patient.  no one ever suggested anything that helped and i know too many people listened to medics and made worse on more pain preps.

it's interesting there's nothing i want to watch on tv all day.  5 pm i found romance marathon ION tv started 10 am.  eh, i was too sick.  i called cathy received her card yesterday too sick.  she sounds better.  

been up since 2

i'm binge watching second season 'kim's convenience'.  i'm struggling to finish eating brown rice with almonds i cooked in curry orange zest pulp with chicken.  curry seems to be giving stomach cramps causing spasms.  feels like broken glass.  like 2001 when everything i ate hurt and i lived on vicodin.  delicious healthy minimalist recipe.  brown rice full of husks i keep finding and spitting out.  

i don't know if i want to do anything go anywhere or baby myself.  lord knows no one ever did.  st just pantry or thrift store, main relax, sunnyvale book sale.  actually i want someone anyone else to do it for me like dad abdicated being present unless he wanted something.

pain worsening to vicodin levels.  liquid willow from sprouts 1 p flower 2 kava grapefruit candy and juice helping ease spasms.  no more solid food for awhile.  just grapefruit candy.

3 pm spasms better i'm so hungry made soup if i cook long enough i hope will digest.  got mail card from cathy letter st just.   

i just realized the cramps are an extension of my raw onion allergy.  if i ate raw onions this is exactly how my body reacts.  i don't so i never put it together before. 

my stomach feels like i've been kicked in the gut.  i can barely breathe.

night and day

since 2 am i'm healed.  still weak the pain is gone.  my body feels sore the excruciating pain is gone a miracle.  toke bought me sushi for my b'day.  lovely lunch all present.

picked up 'kim' library.

and on

cody checked holds brought my combo heather says because of shut down 25-2 nothing due before the 3 tu.  i am truly blessed.  they needed pens i supplied black and blue.  

my stomach ache new.  could be back or gum who knows.  i swam and stretched maybe too much.  i'm charging empty combo must be from checking viability.   main very quiet.  i rearranged trunk under parking.  i like it.  when everything closed i'll wash i still have lots of socks.  and i can always hand wash.  i don't know what i'm doing.  so i pray for guidance a lot.

new combo wouldn't turn on or charge so i went to library young asian tech and he jiggled it so it turned on and 85% charge.  

freezing cold like 1972 when i slipped on ice i'm feeling nausea, screaming knifing pain in back stomach neck shoulders.  i took 2 kava willow turmeric.  slowly feeling better muscles relaxing spasms less.  

birthday continues

brenda asked if i wanted old fashioned donuts she bought 2 but no glaze she didn't want i told her my favorite then went to car for persimmon she wanted.  i was going to take home trim and cut but she still had the plastic knife i gave her yesterday.  

how perfect is that.  i remembered i wanted toke to see ads i got yesterday.  diane quick off the mark tried to get me to forget ads with her i almost left chrome on chair.  then as i was leaving seniors parking i remembered to check safeway free sausages.  loaded for college in and out.  came main puzzled 'til 3:30.  complimented on my puzzling ability.  sitting by puzzle since window hassock occupied.  used to be 2.  puzzle area has 4.  i feel like a queen.  much more comfortable chair.  back still stiff sore on rising.

home 6 pm i heated frozen meatloaf dinner and bratwurst on bun.  both donuts for dessert.  Heaven.

oh my neck.

my shirt with all my keys is heavy.  something around my waist would be better balanced.  time for a new plan.

without a hot spot i don't compute as much and chrome works better.  it hasn't crashed once.  maybe i was too obsessive.  ya think?

sitting main parked underground in case of rain windows breathing swimsuit and towel.  i ate half my lunch here.  we didn't get served 'til 12:15 i didn't want to rush and i like sitting eating library cafe area i can charge chrome and listen to music.  played puzzle 'til 2:30 sat like a queen resting charging gaming.  decided i wanted safeway expiring today bought pepperoni pizza $2.49 for dinner so perfect what i wanted.  birthday eggs dinners.  i looked at blueberry cream, custard pies maybe tomorrow.

recon

figuring.  i biked half hour and stretched.  wow i'm stiff.  i feel better in my body.  more relaxed.  went to main puzzled.  finished senior puzzle before lunch.  

i can do what i want-check engine off

doing what i want within my world.  24 wifi.  i'm coming out of aspergers i think.  would i choose different yes.  maybe why i consider having kids abuse.  

went to gym beautiful weather rearranged back seat wet clothes i forgot.  recharged chrome used wifi sunny has movie.  went b king for chick fingers fries.  since i was there i checked citibank payment worked and driving to sunny engine light went out.  woo hoo!!  

puzzled and picked up movie from readers digest story when i was kid.  

maybe i can have heaven.

de tox check engine light

home 2:30 just before steady rain.  cooked brown rice to go with yesterday lunch leftovers.  i added amino perfect.  i cooked chick spring roll for dessert.  

i went to gym 8:30 pouring rain so ok parking.  chase second half withdraw.  i could have deposit mission save it for monday.  main library finished puzzle saw 3 pre teen chicano kids tear it apart.  no supervision.  i feel sorry for them neglected.  maybe orphans too.  i feel i was orphaned.  mom's mom always lamented over me.  she knew how mom dad treated me and cared.

i've been wondering if mom dad consciously or un- chose their deaths.  dad fractured his spine and mom stopped meds.  and is there really a difference.  

hurrah gym wifi

i loaded lucky free crackers on to seniors shower and puzzle.  toke back from sacto funeral.  she's the most like me so far.  diane gave me leftover crackers yesterday i put in shower.  like a freezer.  remembered i wanted free water with safeway sushi.  

i slept to 'meet the robinsons' last night and home today 3:30 continued watching.  so excellent.  i didn't take supplements tu-we playing catch up.  rain or detox nicotine.  i've been worried i need to drink more water.  

still there $70 to bart 2864

my gym bag waited for me.  still i have from storage new pants.  worked out well rainy and cold.  i wear sweat to and remove to exercise.  drove by bartolo paid light mist rain at 10 steady 'til 4 just as predicted.

lunch vera cruz fish good.  alex and diane, toke busy today.  maria from vegas came by.  main library new puzzle feet up listening to healing.  excellent.  i'm filled with gratitude.  5 pm i'm done.  

so good

yesterday i came main to puzzle 'til i was tired still enough energy to puzzle sunny and return hot spot.  i considered keeping some due since october since no fines.  city freezes loans until resolved.  i decided to return.  looking for local weather i clicked scam referring me to call phone i shut off and rebooted.  i wasn't paying attention.

packing up from central i missed black mesh gym clothes bag.  oh well left in seniors locker.  time for new?  i don't feel sad and depressed.  new.

i love my microwave dinners.  burger in 6 minutes.  i ate my lunch chicken with yesterday salad i forgot in car.  i had half almond oatmeal for dessert.

love

energy in motion.  e motion.  chemical created by mind body.  impossible to recognize if never encountered.  

new behaviors

seniors puzzle exercise.  oh my aching back.  an hour moving w/o brace.  tiring and sore.  lovely lunch with toke, alex, joanie, ron.  on to central to return movies and borrow hold and puzzle an hour 'til close 2 pm.  such odd hours.  short hours mon fri sat.  

dollar tree frozen burger, chili no beans, instant brown rice.  better than 40 minute.  i really don't like cooking.  i never did.  i like eating well.

best thnx despite back leg shoulder skull pain

great food peace filled.  i didn't have to shop or clean up.  i checked safeway 4 u and added free 6 oz olives.  set maria store went after lucky gym after setting out garbage bin.  still in pain but productive.  pain is exhausting using so much energy.  

oh yeah safeway $5 gift card

gym 2 hot tub perfect for half hour stretches.  all to myself at 9 am.  walked safeway sunny library lots of parking.  i puzzled charged entered safeway game codes.  home 2 pm not hungry until i heated instant brown rice peas and burger.  croissant for dessert chips watching jamie 30 minute meal.  4 pm nap attack.   back to bed.

i've forgotten how sick i was, now i'm just sleepy and tired.

eating wasabi almonds in bed

woo hoo!  i ate some turkey and stuffing watching "kim's."  my tv family the only family i've ever had never scapegoated or shunned me.  i don't miss what i've never had.  since 8 yrs old i realized i was an orphan no parents no family to care for me relying on strangers.  they yell lose their tempers say mean things and actually regret and sincerely apologize.  

i've released most of my tv program attachments.  daytime game shows, most serials.  the loving family experience i was lacking.  that's what we're here for supplying others with emotional sustenance to heal and become whole.  

adding the w filling the hole.

thnxgiving 2022 i take full responsibility and credit

i've decided to make this the best ever.  i woke remembering how delightful cooking what i wanted and eating when i wanted feeling accomplished and successful.

remembering my ungrateful family.  the year mom dad had the flu i came cooked them entire dinner.  evil sisters selfishly didn't even call.  their excuse they were afraid to catch it.  over the phone.  blamed kids.  oh the many times they dumped their kids on mom to baby sit while they took off.  

10 am hot tub water up to chin 103 perfect soak i'm looking forward to tomorrow.  took my time dressing.  stopped $tree 2 cool whip for pies.  walter waved me over first presbyterian lovely lunch turkey gravy 3 cranberries rolls butter mash sweet corn peas glazed carrots stuffing.  desserts pumpkin apple pecan brownies whip cream.  then they found ham warming in the oven.  walter talked me into going to st clare and college safeway.  i saw alex talked to joanie and ron giving him directions 3 times on how to get to first church and reminding him they only had 'til 2 he kept nattering on.  he acts like i'm his jealous mom.  i don't care.  i think they make a cute couple.  

best holiday ever.  i ate all the ham for dinner.  honey baked spiral cut delicious.  i have a complete dinner for tomorrow and $tore food.  i am blessed.

mom always dreaded evil step sisters picking fights they always did family tradition the way she raised them.  i'm laughing she got exactly what she planted.  

my shoulder blades are hurting

before i thought maybe i was growing wings.  now i think my heart is healing.  i just want to lie in bed feeling alive comfortable.  my right temple is sore massaging it feels so good.

i went to seniors early for holiday meal forwent swim and puzzled upstairs.  they opened early.  i left computer in car since i only showered.  they blocked our table and regular outlet with ugly plastic turkey.  our tax dollars at work.  gloria let me know extra outlet so i retreived chrome from car plugged in to charge and healing music.  after lunch i puzzled then went central to puzzle more.  hurrah!!  home i cooked burger with lunch spinach, croissant.  

mini strokes

i couldn't focus on diana's name.  i see her everyday.  too much stress anxiety.  

today death jfk 1963.  i will always remember 8th grade no class we watched in social studies on tv the chaos happening live in dallas.  still makes me sad all the dead dreams.

i was apologized to for the first time in my life.  i didn't know how to react.  i'm still a little stunned.  i ate my pint of butter pecan ice cream.  

i can barely move

my back hurts so much.  just like before when i needed a cane to maneuver.  37 degrees i wonder if it was the dry cold before.  it's not supposed to warm up 'til 10.  it could be the tiny bit of nicotine i took for the fear and anxiety.  i'm only feeling excruciating pain in my waist at this point.  no fear or anxiety.  too much pain.  it's all chemicals.  willow kava turmeric and passionflower.  knowing and doing are two separate things.  waiting for it to work.

toke is great.  she remembered comics when i forgot.  12:30 i decided pick up at main.  puzzle still wrecked.  decided sunny pick up and puzzle so good.

and back better.

wah i want to cry

i'm feeling so tired and sick and sore.  my back is hurting in new sections, my stomach upset cold like 2003.  i'm binge watching "kim's convenience" korean canadian immigrants' family store and neighborhood.  2015 for 5 years.  vast similarities differences asian culture.  

i taste tested 3 coconut waters.  raley's 100 %, $ large, $ small tastes weird with vatamins in that order.  best value $ large.  

i'm slowly engaging.  maybe i'll swim and go sunny puzzzle.  book sale today no attraction.  maybe if i go. 

dozing flashbacks of lying bedridden feeling starving hungry everything eaten making me violently ill even water.  twice in emergency dehydrated heart palpitations hooked up to saline drip for hours drinking emetrol.  i have to go through to come out the other side.

4:30 am 41 degrees

i rewatched "reinventing rosealee" from 2018 year after eric died i was still in shock.  she died 102 he was just barely 61 in 2017 birthday 3rd died 13 like mom.  after all rosalee'd survived she died within days of meeting trump.  ironic.

11 am 57 degrees time to start moving.  i've been doing a little at a time back rest warm bed.  b'fast potatoes peas cheese olive bread.  didn't cheer me up like food usually changes my chemistry.  i don't know.  i organized papers to pay bart, jury duty, st just today.  

first pres church sevice 1 half hours too long.  i watched recorded online.  my back at this point i need to decompress every 15-20 minutes.  hurray i can feel but ouch also.  

10:30 am

i'm sitting senior women's locker room like a big parakeet in the dressing area accompanied by a large mirror.  i loved my parakeet talking to himself.  

i'm feeling weird processing post traumatic pain.  everything is chemicals.  memories, health, disease all chemicals.  so rather than drugs, alcohol, chemicals, medicine i'm using foods and drinks water juices herbs.  life is just an experiment.  i feel like dr jekyll.  i seek health.

i'm exhausted living new actions.  it's so much less energy used doing the same old thing.  new behaviors requires more muscular and mental energy.

lunch talking to gloria st clare ran out of complete meals after opening last year.  no difference going early noon.  i went 1pm shorter line same result.  

finally sent off cards and dw subscription

i'm so tired.  must be the psoriatic arthritis.  

bitterly cold morning

i quit working with eric when dad waited for me outside sleeping in a lawn chair.  i'd come home 2-3 am and find him.  it was too hard after working to manage putting him to bed over and over.  eric having lost his dad th 3/12/98 understood.  wed 3/11 he had an engagement party during a karaoke party with steph.  fr 3/13 steph called me to tell me frank had been killed by a drunk driver outside togami auto repair and asked me to sit koden.  58 yrs old i didn't know what that was having been ostracized by my family my entire life.  too much tragedy and sadness.  i could never understand mom's love of soap operas when real life is so tragic.  all those horrible sad years i had nobody.  now i have toke inga gerda people who care without criticism telling me what to feel and do.  

and i survived and have people who care about me.  god knows i want a smoke.

weird energy.  i made micro popcorn and the pyrex lid exploded.  years ago a pyrex pie plate exploded in the regular oven.  

 carlos looked at my car and reset light.  no charge.  i gave him the hot sauce.  

not allowed to cry

i was slapped until i stopped.  i swam seniors and puzzled until lunch.  ron came to lunch early and i remembered toke was picking up her neice and cancelled lunch.  ron took alex's spot and toke showed up hurrah!  alex doesn't care where he sits as long as he's remembered.

check engine light came on i forgot to warm up car so i resisted calling carlos went up to puzzle more and realized how much i'm missing eric.  we'd always do at least 2 holiday shows a week.  i got paid for adventures.  and eating great food.  i cried.

blessed

i got jury duty notice in today's mail i don't have to go i'm exempt 70.

i checked out homeless lawn mower too flmsy.  he was sleeping in bag on asphalt.  must have been freezing.  pool 8 am perfect.  seniors 9:30 spun suit puzzled b4 and after lunch.  alex and toke lovely.  3 pm $tree most frozen gone balsamic 1 burger 2 chicken egg rolls.  i could go everyday on way home.  

safeway gameon no yahoo sfymail

at sunny finished puzzle feeling frustrated by computer.   ear buds wouldn't work.  and type keeps resetting size to normal.  i suppose i'm normal.  

home 5 pm hungry pea soup and toasted cornbread.  

my time.

i forgot church.  well, i'm slowly gearing up.  i've been so disappointed.  i've always been the diligent one.  type size keeps resetting to normal when i set medium.  huh.  like i can't tell.

10 am i forgot church and choose not to watch 'any day now' resting relaxing my back.  wow.  i choose health.

the rest of my life is for me

i took my time cheese toast b'fast.  loaded free p'nuts pick up 785 safeway and trident gum.  decided gym 2 stopped 150 safeway first.  clearance coconut lemon thumbprint cookies, olive and corn breads.  i met 63 jakob east indian christian in pool works apple s clara lives in campbell.  stayed sunny library 'til 8 pm.  most excellent day.

i didn't eat lunch and i didn't miss it.

listening to healing

little effort to change my life.  of course thirty years ago i didn't have the internet, free chrome.  now is the best time to be alive.  

watching 'dough'

i'd forgotten the druggy life.  pot, marijuana.  i never felt the underlying sense of anxiety before in my stomach.  just part of the autism blended into everyday life.  ex was such a junkie taking anything available.  

time for b'fast.

ron at lunch quoted rabindranath tagore "god respects me when i work but he loves me when i sing".  remarkable.

i keep forgetting i'm a conduit

nothing belongs to me it's on loan.  i'm only the steward.  

yesterday i puzzled 2 half at sunny today at seniors.  i picked up free just 4 u bread college safe way.  easy fixture front bread aisle.  i'll ask toke if she wants it.  i have 3 breads.  i'm feeling so tired i lost shower hair comb and today i almost left swim suit senior locker.  

24 fit

connected.  9:32 i forgot tu and th free swim seniors.  $tore 8 travel tooth brush.  they fold up!  

bart still hasn't submitted hours.

i'll keep up my end.  i enjoy doing the right thing.  makes me feel strong.  

i scrambled 2 eggs topped shredded cheese in tortilla.  waiting half hour to digest.  i spent most of my life running from one task to the next driven by my mom's screech to hurry hurry up while she sat.  it became such a part of me i stopped hearing it and just performed like a trained animal.  

i loaded free body armor drink safe way.  i picked up after gym @ home stead.  clearance 6 do nuts $2, garlic baguette $2, $20 cash.  as i was leaving checkout monk patrick call him henry came in with all his worldly possessions filled large clam chowder soup for b'fast.  i went out to car returned knowing i had to go back in with bread.  he was open to receiving i had to offer new perfect backpack from rummage.  maybe he'd refuse.  his eyes lit up when i offered.  i told him church and library across street.  he mentioned asian restaurant if he had enough money.  back to car for wipes, sanitizer, mask, $20.  i told him i met eckhart tolle and thich nhat han on their holy journeys and thanked him for doing a tremendously difficult job i wouldn't couldn't do.  

seniors i felt sick.  cold and i felt the old humiliation from family doing the right thing resulting in their criticism and scorn.  threat of death.  i asked toke to tell me i'm ok and she reassured me.  oh, my stomach when i think of it.  she remembered the sun day funnies.  i forgot.  i shared 4 do nuts i didn't keep.  

as i was leaving gorges shows up wants me to get lunch to go so i can entertain him.  i went to mission library new hours 9-5.  

i could go to sunny but it's rainy and cold.

dst

i'm enjoying simple and easy.  big sigh.  inhale exhale.   

i'm considering church.  

if i don't know for sure i don't do it.

for the employees

i resent i'm not an employee getting paid.  the expanded library hours seem more for the employees.  

i decided first presbyterian craft fair.  took my time 9:30 Flora from senior swimming gave me big hug.  she was told by front desk no classes available.  i told her free swimming tues. & thurs.  i found 4 books $2.50 i told her keep the change $3.  stopped st just pantry and signed up for holidays.  home i put away groceries ate waffle & strawberries had to nap.  too much excitement.  awoke from nap energized i went to gym.  Alex is transferring to Soquel.  i'll miss the cutie.  

i made cheese toast, Campbell's princess chicken soup added salad.  

picked up freebie probiotic drink.

loaded 6 am.  swam 24, seniors lunch good with alex and toke my favorites.  walter came with minnie support hen.  left early main puzzle trashed so read paper and picked up chrome.  hot spot @ sunny i'm covered next 3 weeks.  

i'm planning my thanksgiving.  maybe time to find a church.  main closed 2 i went safeway sushi dinner.  nuked and toaster oven frozen chicken spring rolls dessert.  

brilliant

Danny's recycle to make room in trunk.  puzzled at seniors 9 am waited for bookmobile 10.  visited shared vitamin gum.  swam, lunched and no toke left early collected oranges.  decided to call star one to final ira.  paperwork e mail from sunny to s creek blvd.  

i decided to check walmart for water and gum none.  passing citibank i stopped paid atm closed branch.  at star one i signed papers waiting for dept to authorize will mail me copy.  stopped $tore dinners ice cream.  

dropped off oranges and avocados at tokes.  home so tired hungry i made bean burritos from leftover lunch and napped.  arms are sore and itchy from shots.

very productive feeling successful.

i forgot my suit

7 am i looked out backyard window to check wood ladder bart working in dark barely can see your feet.  said he had plans later.  i got dressed ate rice sausage toasted cheese i put in plastic.  paid bart $70 mentioned the receipt he gave me for new sprayer that looks old and used he admitted he kept new one and i didn't have to pay him for it.  yeah, right.  then he starts pressuring me about patio things he'll get rid of yeah right like the persimmons, lemons, avocados.  like he's doing me a favor.  he wants the plastic 5 gal planters.  

gym 8:30 lovely swim an hour.  i love watching people.  

11 am seniors i looked for suit to spin.  i left it hanging on locker door.  puzzle table crowded nurse group i wandered around.  situated myself for lunch lovely puzzled half hour headed pick up suit detoured for rite aid appointment for booster and flu got it done.  decided patelco ira rmd numbers couldn't find license backtracked rite aid found in shot room on floor.  credit union didn't want to give me numbers saying ask my financial advisor i don't have i said i Never received statements i need 12/31/2021 ending balance miriam says rmd for 2022 and finally ending balance like she's doing me a favor Not her job.  i do not like that at all.  got home exhausted from ordeal and shots ate cheese toasts and chips feeling so tired napped 2 hours.  wanted to go nob hill last day coupons went 8 pm for hour looking at everything.  bought myself raspberry parfait treat.

where's my house key?

somewhere in the space time continuum.  i talked to Morgan yesterday in the women's locker room.  she opines agrees that according to schedule posted today and thurs are free swim at seniors we'll see.  and first of month paying bills.  bart left message 9:30 yesterday about can i put out bins.  too late.  

i figured it out.  i'm wooed by lazy men seeing me happy wants zero effort relationship then set about making me over to take credit for my happiness with a few lunches dinners.  they don't want relationship.  no work involved taking me out.  they have to eat anyway.  

found key, withdrew chase, got bart money ready, remembered safeway soup looked for gum none, meant to pick up holds started puzzling 'til 6:30.

remembered went nob hill coupon expire no eggs bought egg land already boiled and free strawberries.  

self sabotage

misplaced my dreaded phone.  not healthy.  i recognize.  this is a win.  i'm not ready to date.  i'm healing  my #1 priority.  he wants me to entertain him not my job.  if he wants to spend time with me make my life better easier not harder more complicated with me jumping through his hoops.  he's helping me define what i want.  i feel like an idiot not knowing.  i'm still feeling family pressure to know what i don't know.  they'd ask what i want, go out of their way NOT to give me, making up ludicrous excuses and rubbing my face in it.  HUMILIATION.

i can feel the self doubt and mistrust in my big belly.  tom was the same 1985 liar.  37 years to admit to myself.  

noon just tried to return Cathy's call.  received her card late last night too tired fell asleep how i misplaced my phone.  funny card witch riding on broom cat behind her says "i hate when she eats burritos."  inside says i hope your Halloween doesn't stink.  lol.  

he's making me think - ouch

so weird.  i didn't realize i want calm peaceful more than anything.  maybe why people follow trump thinking he's big daddy going to take care of everybody.  and why gorge is so pushy.  we have the rest of our lives and beyond.  

today is mine.  i'm watching movies. eating, sleeping, pooping, like a big old baby.  this is a test of doing what i want.  the old me 'people please r' would jump to do what everyone else wants, sacrificing my Self.  i was raised conditioned to sacrifice myself the scape goat

freebie after 3 checks

lucky's after 9 am even though mail said 6 am but it wasn't there.  8 am picked up fruit sat in car gorgis called demanding where i was.  i was on my way took my time he was waiting front door 24 hr.  went on my first date in 40 years.   

faris han gorgis

wants to take me for dinner, a drive, too fast.  i told him nothing.  he says i'm beautiful.  he insisted on showing me his cdl b'day 12/12/59.  

still processing depression

returned 'karma 2' to sunny picked up #3 and completed puzzle 2 hours.  feeling i accomplished fun.  

no idea huge depression-lunchtime earthquakes 5.1-3.1

i somehow changed the chrome format.  no headers until cursor at top and no bottom until cursor on bottom.  no distractions.  no idea what i did or how to reverse it.  i forgot chrome at home.  my fear of mistakes linked to mom killing me.  everything i failed she threatened to kill me.  when she came at me with shears to get off the phone i could feel the hatred.  

depression could be from ex marriage.  i was never lonelier or more isolated.  he was the sum total of my family.  i voluntarily married self destruction not knowing any better.  suicides.  

i'm in bed.  doris was 6 months bedridden when she fractured her tailbone.  

yesterday i forgot spare car key at home today chrome due to depression.  wonder if mom was depressed.  would explain her short sighted stupidity.  i can hear her complaining she never had nice things.  dad would always sabotage her.  every time.  

5:30 pm format changed back.  i watched jay leno trying to give away money.  

feeling depressed

nothing's  changed and i feel so depressed.  i took 2 do nothing days.  and today i found messages from star one re my retirement and i'm suddenly feeling incredibly depressed.  or maybe i wasn't aware how depressed i feel.  or i don't know.  my shoulders are screaming.  i've been carrying the weight of the family.  i'm feeling sick.  my back neck temporary relief when i exercise.  

called bart per note he left with tokes croissants on porch.  he forgot he left it.  

cheese toast b'fast

i appreciate my freedom.  i can do or not do.  i'm thinking and remembering.  i lay in bed 8 years unable to eat in agonizing pain on vicodin.  kaiser was useless.  twice i ended in emergency on i v saline anti vomit med.  remembering my back symptoms 1972 i knew how to deal with pain.  mostly i slept.  now i'm doing bed rest consciously.  when doris fractured her tailbone 6 months bed rest.  

i'm blessed.  celebrity shows 8-10.  my eyes are blurry my forehead skull hurts my back feet good go figure.

listening to my body 10/22/22 sat

started listening to you tube healing music 4 am when i woke.  like walter's support chicken calms him.  6 i was hungry made cheese toast topped shredded pork unbelievably delicious.  rested i could hear bart back yard.  i'm healing resting watching season 1 'young rock' i knew i'd like w/o commercials.  all about supportive family.  mine never loved me.  nice to see how it's done.

loaded lucky's freebies

listening to healing i realize all my friends in their version of heaven too or they leave my life.  my heaven requires peace and plenty around me.  fulfillment satisfaction.  

my back neck shoulders continue to adapt.  a new soreness.  clicking and popping.  i slept a little more comfortably.   

gym great.  seniors i puzzled before lunch and finished decided sunny pick up hold puzzled 4 hours and checked 150 safeway for freebie loaded drink found clearance rice $3.99 broccoli $1.18 just 4 me.  coupon didn't work went customer service she gave me whole $4 for overcharge.  score!!  $5 nob hill pork so excellent with balsamic broccoli.  heated senior lunch rolls bread in toaster oven.  

loveliest dream

of my own true love watching tv together on the couch wrapped in cozy blanket.  all i ever wanted.  

swim, $tore out of c drops. seniors remembered paid disc.  puzzled before and after lunch.  walter had social worker meeting seniors brought bantam hen 'mini' found 2 weeks ago.  he has 2 pigeons too.  the bird man of s c.  we visited 'til 3:30 kicked us out i remembered to pay p g e.  stopped am tires all 4 29 lbs low did rotation not pressure check.   feeling let down.

making every day fun day

taking my time enjoying that it's my time.  puzzled 'til 3 home and rest.  freebie flash safeway too late.  eh, 5 cent recycle isn't completely free.

expressing my inner child feels irresponsible

i feel guilty having fun.  it's so new to me.  having fun is new.  

bart was here cutting persimmon.  he already cut kiwi.  he's harvested quite a lot.  

i'm remodeling my back, shoulders, neck by swimming.  oh the pain.  new pain.  and i napped 2 hours.  

charging

i'm at seniors with my dell and city samsung.  i may go to sunny.  i didn't pick up hold to see what happens they sent e mail.  i have another hold ready.  second season i don't know if i saw.  

i wrote out cards to send finally after having them a month stamped and addressed not knowing what to say.  i'm becoming as the lily of the field toiling not neither do i spin.  

luxury of sunday

this Samsung chrome book has a special feature of an analog calendar.  i love i can plan better.  i think this is the same combo i turned in 2 days ago.  

going to bed 7:30 last night i'm feeling well rested for a change.  my body hurts in different places.  cheese toasts in bed.  treating myself special.  healing is exhausting.  continuous pain and cells regenerating uses a lot of energy.  

lunch i baked jiffy cornbread in puck oven had chili diced tomatoes.  TV is all about Halloween.  boring.  back to bed.  cool overcast peace filled day.  

filled out voting ballot to return to library.  thinking hard on Halloween cards to send.  stamped but what to write?  

flashback to 8 years confined to bed.  now i appreciate the rest.  

puzzled at main 3 hours passed on fire station open house and sunny library.

leisurely swim then drove to st just drop off grocery.  saw sign thrift open 10 library first.  2 movies $1.  decided upstairs considered newspaper.  looked up map to fire house open.  puzzle too much fun.  1 pm checked redwood room book sale 2 more movies used coupons.  free bag chips stale still satisfying.  checked account combo ready miracle.  stopped st just then $tree dinners snacks and home.  exhausted stomach back legs screaming worth it.  napped 2 hours a little better.  nothing on tv early night.

maybe

tomorrow book sale i can use my coupons.  i asked.  choices.  today i chose to puzzle.  only an hour today.  i turned in combo last minute atypically and came home using hot spot.  

cooked broccoli omelet with cheese 2 toast.  so tired.  exciting day.  6 am loaded lucky's free alkaline water yucky salty and trail mix.  

i accidentally turned off

i forgot i was charging went to grab chrome and hit off button and didn't care.  mom always made a federal case of everything i cringe at everything.  today i'm ok.  

excellent

i swam, puzzled at seniors went to pick up hot spot main and puzzled 1-5 so relaxing.  focused vacation from my life.  i called kathy addiego at pat never received page 2 but the computer automatically acknowledged.  she said to have star resubmit i called lina with fax number pat is a caution.  the first screw up was the deposit/withdrawal, second messed up ira roll over and now this. 

playing puzzle

i paid city reviewed star one retirement.  i'm bored feeling tired.  i do love paddling in the pool.  called star nothing yet.  i'll call pat tomorrow.  i have 'til ape.  the old me stressed trying to force everything to completion.

bart cut trees over garage

left receipt for hose $18.20.  i have 2 hoses in garage.  i made asparagus swiss omelet for b'fast paddled pool half hour.  browned chicken drained beets into yucky energy drink now delicious added balsamic to beets now delicious.  

ate energy bars cut wrapper with scissors covered ink leaky pen cleaned with alcohol lots of clean clothes.  loving it.  i love clean laundry.

checking back side yard bart wrapped hose on faucet too heavy leaking.  i'm feeling disappointed.  he wanted it to leak next to downspout.

turned off chrome

resetting is normal.  my stomach upset and back responding to doing yesterday.  bart came 11:30 after church probably add an hour swept porch fixed hose and hanger.  already paid him this month.  reminded no watering front door sticking settling uneven foundation.  

fell asleep watching concentration woke remembered to cook st just chicken.  5 lbs bones fat.  cut 4 quarters apart baked nuked.  boned ate crackings.  best part.  set out garbage recycle too.  

watching p g wodehouse

awake since 4 i got the shivers the yelling and screaming mom and dad.  now i know why i feel comforted by jeeves and wooster.  the relationships are familiar and comforting.  reflections of my ideal family with elements of earthly.  i don't feel limited and stuck.  i can turn them off.  i can pick and choose.

i loaded wash in car in case i feel like it.  left out roll-y.  pondering what i want.  8 am harris lass historical house yearly flea market.  arrived 7:46.  i can pay Citibank on the way to laundry or home or what i want.  hooray me!!  found gold dome india ring $3 lots of misc freebies.  

paid bank drove .1 back hurting walked sara lucky's and 10 i'm at wash.  filled 3 load machine and still some bags left over.  i'm here finally.  done 3 more min.  wow i could wash holiday.  i can do what i want.  what my back allows.  teaching me to take my time,  i realize if i had a relationship i'd probably revert to being a servant.  

arachnid climbing on window reminds me of sis weaving her webs.

feeling pretty good i decided to try st just pantry.  pick up quick 2 bags easy.  car full.  i saw signs yearly rummage high school church.  2 hours looked at what left second day sale.  3 bags, 8 movies, jewelry, sewing notions $20.  fun day.  

resting an hour after eating

i've been making myself digest my food calmly.  new behavior i'm practicing.  i don't always remember.  i'm improving.  all that counts.

rested after lunch puzzle.  i picked up free guru drink lucky's before gym and water with sushi after lunch.  and i'm resting at home.  and it feels like home.  i'm missing my sisters or rather who i believed they were.  yesterday nit's 67 b'day.  i feel so sad.  it comes and goes in waves.  i did so much for them.  i miss doing for them.  they were never my sisters.  they never had my back.

inner child fun

and i'm so proud of myself.  diana price wanted some sale tennis she saw on 7 news and with gloria's input i successfully ordered online.  between the 3 of us success.

came home bartolo added hose front yard.  i told him i don't want anything watered.  

2 egg smoked gouda

good b'fast.  or gouda b'fast.  couldn't sleep from standing talking to bart yesterday without back brace.  i felt ok still do.  better not well.  

part of me feeling guilt for feeling happy or content.  old program.  i deserve happiness.  everyone does however it looks unless it depends on unhappiness to others..

feeling anxious.

bart came 3:30 did 3 hours today.  i paid him 2 hours from 14 so currently 15 hrs.  mrs. adela was in truck i said hi.  she's cute and tough.  

i'm taking care of me.  i swam half hour exercising my feet.  it's amazing how different i feel.  and the difference swimming stomach or back.  i'm listening to 3 healing pages at once like my family droned on in the background of my entire life.  

freebies

4 stores.  today i found coke coffee @ homestead and popcorn @ college safeway.  a miracle.  or 2 miracles.  i had to keep changing home store to qualify for freebie.  i went to chase after the gym and decided to go to safeway since kitty corner i found free coke coffee.  deposited at mission c u and decided to check clearance at college safeway since close and found free popcorn.  i learned website saying 28 items missing means all items i've ever purchased are tracked.  i got to seniors @ 11 and wrote out bills readied cash for bartolo.   he didn't come by.  i set out all 4 green bins last night so my back kept me awake and i think i'm ok.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        i'm getting used to it.

 

   

watching john stamos

bob saget was his chosen bro like eric was mine.  makes me cry.  he lost his brother january brings back my loss 6/13 17.  mom died 5/13 01.  makes me wonder if i'll die on a 13.  her fear instilled criticism still echoes in my mind reverberates through my body.  a lifetime of torture takes a lot of re programming.  

gym wonderful.  returned all sunny library checked safeway free coke coffee and popcorn gone no dollar hagen daz flavors i wanted.  4 almonds, bread and clearance angel cake.  dollar tree beef bean burritos, dinners, 4 clearance.

'any day now'

school shooting when prey becomes the predator.  and 1980 is still with us when people say not my problem.  there is no us and them only us.  people are raised to be good capitalist predators rather than human beings.   

i finally built up the pillows on my chair.  my back is shifting i'm resting and allowing my body to restore reset.  i'm listening to my healing on my you tube.  i'm feeling deliciously unusually relaxed and happy.  i cooked spaghetti with can chicken, diced tomatoes, cream cheese or smoked gouda.  so good.

free yogurt

loaded lucky's freebies.  so dark out i'll wait take my leisurely time.  i used to feel so guilty and heard mom in my head criticizing.   they made my life miserable.  i was the scapegoat the designated sufferer to make their lives easier.  

disturbing dream

8-9 yr old boy in war zone scavenging sticks for firewood and potato peelings to rinse and cook for food.  i can pray for peace and comfort and send him love.  if it's me i'm loving myself, if a symbol i'm sending positive electrical energy.

carol kultansky and southern cross taught me electrical energy=prayers can be projected and produce results.  she brought me to a psychic demonstration.  we were the first ones there and the instructor asked us to participate in an experiment demonstration of directed thought.  she'd lecture and i'd stand at the back of the classroom thinking first negative then positive thoughts at her signal.  using muscle testing she proved the physical effect thoughts make on the body.  mom was right about what people think of you matters.  what christian science mary baker eddy is based on.

Bart came over filled 2 extra bins from next door.  he cleared side yard.  he's amazing.  Monday his truck totaled hit at Monticello school signal intersection car turned into him.  i promised him $70 Monday.  of course he wanted more but i specified i could only afford without hardship taking money from elsewhere.  he's using his sedan.  i suggested church prayer focused electrical energy for bigger better truck and health improvement.  

exquisite day

toke brought me calendars, stickers, xmas cards.  she's so thoughtful and considerate.  i told her i'd adopted her and true as replacement sisters.  they've appreciated me unlike the evil step sisters.   

i'm enjoying swimming more and more.  i may actually put my face in the water.  dollar tree i bought 10 sausages, 5 jewel pens, 2 jerky.  then good will senior discount day i found my winter water proof gym bag $8, 2 comfy fab tops.  score! 

tomorrow

do nothing 2 i watched eternal s finally and west side story and crawdads sing.  so many examples of life is a bummer and few examples of happiness.

i actually didn't do it.  the charger cord was bent from plug.  short i didn't do.  

i cooked taters using tots package.  delicious if i do say so myself.  and i do.  i made spaghetti with cream cheese and sauce so delicious.  

i learned critical path management from roadrunner cartoons #1711 post

wile e. coyote planned intricate traps that never succeeded in trapping and eating the bird.  i learned how important it is to plan to the conclusion, consider all possible results.  

i had a dress rehearsal.  i considered gassing up decided tomorrow.  i'm resting today.  cooked eggs taters in tortilla.  

assembled climb cart my neck feels strained.  made eggs taters avocado burritos.  fun day the day before sun day.

tired

it feels like a long week got a lot done.  probably tired from the pint of butter pecan ice cream.  so worth it.  heaven takes a lot of focus.  concentration on what i want.

heavenly

i paddled the pool an hour.  it was hard accepting gravity coming out.  so i played at the puzzle table b 4 and after lunch 'til 3 mission library picked up combo and gamed 'til 4:45 went looking at college safeway decided on dollar tree.  hamburger and tater tots, vienna sausage, small cans of jellied cranberry, flour tortilla, beef ravioli,  pint butter pecan ice cream.  the most i've ever spent.  so good.

and now i'm watching 'designing women' and 'becker'.  

am tire

re programming working.  after lunch i puzzled til 3 went to mission library to check disc and fill out city's recycle survey.  am tire perfect.  drove home back roads relaxing.

truc, anh, anh or bamboo, brother, brother

vietnamese father, autistic son, mother.  i gave dad walks ever day around senior block the temple g book 'thinking in pictures.'  i wondered why i bought it and now i know.  the resources at back the best part.  

sitting senior center very smoky air.  24 hour conditioned better.  poor air quality exhausting.

home i rested 2 hours watching special features 'fawlty towers'.  don't know dinner.  

eh, 3 % battery crash

new experience.  and i recovered my settings.  i stayed in bed 'til 7.  that's 13 hours of rest.  i feel not good but fair.  my body needs it to heal.

don't know what i'm doing

don't know what i'm feeling.  i'm just putting one foot at a time.  maybe the rain.  started just after i picked up windfall fruit.  took longer than i planned no time for gym b 4 book sale.  23+ movies some double and triple.  all new some classic horror i never heard of.  

darryl retired sc main tech here at sunny.  2 pm i want to go home.  gym tomorrow.  checked out safeway zero.  raining harder came home drove past bethel church fair rained out.  remembered to take supplements.  feeling great.

bed 6 pm.

i decided i'm resting

i don't know for sure i think my hips legs hurting from spaghetti sandwich i ate for b'fast.  felt ok b 4.  i'm listening to healing feeling relaxed in bed.  i'm having a proper do nothing day.  my lethargy could be healing exhaustion i hope.

got up at 10 to watch 'any day' and eat.  i'm actually glad to be alive today.  wow, a new feeling.  watching tv comedies healing listening to you tube healing.  reprogramming auto pilot working.

looking for 'death at a funeral' sunny has book sale tomorrow.  the remake like the original puts the fun in funeral.  

sitting senior parking so relaxed sleepy

i loaded freebie silk oat milk and bought arugula.  swam and took home grocery.  traffic very different.  

time to bike and recharge.  i asked trudy if she wanted to race on the stationary new step she agreed.  trudy and toke are my true new sisters.  

i don't know

i'd be dangerous if i knew what i'm doing.  i changed the format so the tabs retreat and the screen is bigger.  i don't know how.  

gym great.  paid target bought clearance shower sandals and 16 oz crunchy pb.  gave code 3 bags avocado, 1 oranges apple.  5 new movies.  lunch with toke she bought me oxigen at westgate bevmo delivered 5 bottles and checked out the yard.  it's too much.  took off b 4 i could get to the door.  

2864 augusta ct fool proof

resisting change is normal.  hey!! i'm normal and unique.  

i'm slowly and surely coming alive.  i've been mourning a world i don't like and i need to focus on what i want to be.  i have to laugh.  the sisters were always asking me what i want so they could deny me exactly like ex husband.  and now they're ex-sisters.  i never put it together before it was too painful.  now i'm ok with it.  

now i know it's not the senior center it's the jennifer center.  she decided i can't watch 'any day now' on the gym tv.  she decided only bloodthirsty programs allowed.  so arbitrary.  like most of the women only using the pools are white she's whiter than rice.  next 2 weeks free not to general public.  i wanted to leave senior center money but i don't need to anymore.  it's the jennifer center.

so far so good

bart cleared front yard yesterday 4 hours.  he's bored and wants to keep busy.  so 2 months budget.  and 2 hrs today he showed up 7 am as i was leaving makes it 3 months worth.   

what i want on 911

i made 3 chicken arugula croissants for b'fast, lunch, dinner.  watched my 'any day now' and went to gym.  picked up hot spot sunnyvale library and loaded safeway flash sale most items gone.  oh well.  checked maria store no $1.47 peanuts nothing i wanted.  remembered i already have raspberry danish.  good exercise walking store.

i am as stupid as i look saturday

weird day.  as i picked up fruit gardener bartolo valadez driving stops asks for cactus fruit i say help yourself.  offers $35/hour for yard work when i tell him i can pay $70/month.  we'll see.  

i got rattled.  as i'm driving to gym police have intersection blocked off by cop cars.  i turn around 8:30 already on to st just.  change my mind at el camino proceed to gym.  showers appear full not.  abandoned towel on one.  white woman irritates me.  i wait for next available.  i don't care.  i'm not happy. 

bought $1 turtle magnet jumble sale 9:30 as planned.  i'm tired already.  i feel so sad.  possibly leftover from dad death.  and weather is dark weird leftover hurricane.  

noon walkabout.  got business card to look up info on net.  bv 2525 parkland ct.  lovely left 2 pm library closed 80 o.  chicken in puck oven done put away.  

sitting in back i feel like tough kid

this morning regular 4:30 wake up.  remembering fry day i watched game shows and went to gym checked freebie none.  paddled pool talked to new Fran.  left 9:30 to watch 'any day' and rest.  

11 i went to st just pantry.  left 3 bags avocados.  eggs, diced chick breast, ground turkey, veg, etc.  

back to cooling main redwood room 1 pm email said 7:45 am free coke 20 oz dreamworld.  left cooling 5:45 pm picked up weird tasting coke.  forgot free safeway sushi water.  next time.   

bookmobile!! i'm free! 105 heat

and all's right with the world.  code and family had covid immunity good for the year.   gave him half fruit.  other half toke.  she drove past this morning left croissants on way to cost co gas.    

gym 3 delightful.  paddled in pool 'til 9:30.  seniors 10 i was pleasantly surprised.  new movies borrow up to 20 now.

regular table taken lunchtime i sat in back charging and listening to healing.  i waved alex over and then toke.  she sat opposite at picnic style table.  i like it better than round.  more room.  i can spread out.

wow 5:30 i'm feeling timeless.  been upstairs main since 1 relaxing reading paper, watching you tube while listening to healing.  

truly horrible

dad's last week felt like my last week.  i got no sleep hauling him around from his fractured back, hearing him begging us to kill him, mom's suicide watch she tried it 1993, no sleep, working my independent contractor marketing deliveries.  i survived.  dad's brain surgery, eye emergency.  i survived it all.   

of course i feel exhausted.  fighting off the sisters just to survive since then.

library failed to open noon as posted on web.  i got spot i planned on.  i'm sitting 1;30 feeling the after effects of my 1972 stroke.  didn't have time or inclination then.  

black guard sucking up to stinky man sans father.  they both wore fishing beanies at seniors and smelled from 25 feet away.  

senior center crashed

arr 10:30 temp 105 o.  door open but no chairs.  typical.  noon 111 o in the shade. 

gym 7:30 am lovely cool.  9 am $tree.  9:30 parking lot rite aid/ patelco.  10 am got statement of ira  from capable young lady 10 minutes small bottle water.  if i were guaranteed her fine service i'd stay but no guaranty.  

blog i typed for half hour disappeared.  and red end session tag gone.  oh, well.  i'll have to update religiously.  i've eaten 3 of the 6 fish fillets Hilda gave me as extra.  one entire meal and 4 in a box.  i guess she doesn't like soggy.  i don't mind.  leftovers usually go to staff.  you can bet none of them pay the $3.  

main library 1 pm cooling center expanded from 3 pm.  listed on website as cooling center not open expanded hours.  tomorrow from noon to 7.  i'm using wet suit for cooling.  6:30 still 99 o car therm online says 104 o.  after all day guard commented no elevated legs on chair time to move.

crashed lost it. didn't update

woke black floater right eye time for dr.  or forgiveness.  listening to healing.  

came to main cooling to check it out.  4 people to start now 6 pm me and 2 clerks.  safeway arugula!!  remembered dollar store.  bought frozen and clearance cleaner there for 2 weeks.  i feel bad for  the abandoned.  me.

moon day 9/5 dad's 23rd death day.  none of them loved me.  the pain i stuffed down i'm feeling.  he led the way.   i don't understand knowing better and refusing to do better.  

i baked flour tortilla in toaster oven.  burned first one filled garage with smoke.  such crunchy goodness.

i put on my bathing suit.  5 pm i may go gym or main i don't know or stay home.  i'm wrapped in cool wet towels.

sitting 24 using their net.  102 o in the shade.  

ptsd dad's death 9/5

my stomach reacting.  my body reacts and then my mind remembers.  i'm doing without a hot spot.  dropped off combo mission library.  didn't find anything of interest.  talked to bee code sick.  book mobile cancelled by senior center arbitrary.  home rest and relaxation.  i'm looking forward to a lovely vacation.  

watching concentration

so relaxed.  hard time tuning tv heat wave.  brilliant day of exercise, banking free tea and water.  

samsung half lb lighter

avocado p'nut butter cinnamon burritos for b'fast.  bought wraps yesterday $tore.

i was at gym 6:30.  i love it so much.

i dreamed all my sadness lifetime stored in abdomen stomach.

i'm charging city samsung and my sunnyvale dell and listening to 2 count 'em 2 healing. 

AWESOME!!  i'm hanging out seniors.  i'm planning options for holiday week.  

i'm so proud of me.  i called star one booked for wed 10 ira.   

dreamed of large avocados

all i wanted from life was peace.  autism focuses on the important.  happy healthy wealthy wise.  happiness is constantly evolving just as we're growing and changing.  that's why i don't like setting goals.  they evolve and change.  hopefully we evolve and change.  

i'm getting calmer.  i felt so relaxed i drove off after picking up fallen fruit.  i left half the recycle and lunch bag on front porch.  after gym dollar tree no seam ripper.  at danny's i couldn't figure where the big bag of plastic was.  i looked all over car.  came home straight from lunch.  i need more rest to balance relaxation.

i'm feeling so relaxed

woke 4 am game shows b'fast.  cost co gas 6:30 gym.  $tore forgot to check seam ripper only car copy left.  picked up healthy snacks.  

Eric was my twin

he lived my life as an actual male.  i asked his dad Frank the day after he died ( i didn't believe he was dead so i thought connected and he was dead) why when he was about to retire he said he didn't want to travel was done arguing had lived through WW 2 survived his 442 experience and sacrificed himself for Eric who always felt survivor's guilt.  

i've carried so much sadness.   toke dropped off nijiya market kimpira.  supposed to be healthy full of msg.  

i feel like i've been awake forever.  i let chrome run down to 8% and shut down.  i restarted and charging.  format is weird.  

up since 4:40 i'm almost ready for nap

i'm sewing and going through bags since 2018 when eric's new used car purchase.  lots i haven't missed or needed.   

i've been smelling salonpas menthol vicks odor.  since yesterday i thought it was the wash but it travels i can't locate it.  my back is good.  all the shoulder work hanging and folding the clothes i'm good.  

i tried sardines.  2 people i know love them i don't.  tastes metallic.  worth the try i'll feed the rest to crows.   cooked chick thigh to go with spaghetti.  

lucky laundry 6-9:30

i loaded 3 is same price as 2 load machine.  i like the front load washers easy on back and 2 entrances and lots of parking.   life is so easy following spirit.

lunch ok.  home hung laundry.  rested back loving copper fit back brace.

new copper fit back brace

it's perfect.  easy to use, superior construction, fits great.  

silva method

teaches mental discipline.  bill got so upset i read the book.  like thousands of other people.  don't know why or how it showed up on you tube suggestions.

as bugs bunny would say what a maroon.

can't blame an ass for being what it is.

i've disappointed myself not accepting people as they are.  i've done it to myself.  i listened to what they said not looked at what they did.  

8:17 nothing on tv time for bed.  myrtle fillmore scheduled rest and reflection as an important  part of her day.  if i don't have what i want i need to make changes.

gym shower wisdom

 tattoos are all about pain and endorphins.  

war is the worst pollution

in every way on every level.  adds nothing destroys everything.  

how can civilized people allow it?   

watched 'any day now'.  busy living.  

awake since 4

i watched annie oakley on tv ate sushi toke brought me last night.  i'm exhausted.  i have 5 new city movies.  so violent.

watching 'malcolm in the middle' makes me sad to think that chaos is the real family dynamic. 

i'm listening to healing.  wouldn't be able to live otherwise.  used god energy directing me to pick up fruit, spray car windows, put out cheese for crows.  so lovely cool 7:30.

i decided to watch 9 am David Janssen 'harry o' marathon. watched my 'any day now'.  went to st just pantry no waiting.  9 eggs one cracked, chicken quarters etc.  i'm feeling blessed.  with god energy no effort.

i love they wave me in gym 3

picked up freebie $4.49 o s cranberry watermelon 100% juice.  i forgot my suit so showered leisurely.  

trunk a mess organized fruit, laundry.  seniors 8:30.  waiting on spirit.  puzzled, then stepped watching my show.  shared with Trudy how mom dad ex stuck in past.  today's daily word forgive.  i release the past move forward.

feeling sad.  came home to note on door re yard fire hazard like i'd choose to live like this.  just like my sabotaging sisters causing trouble.  mom died of broken heart from lies.  while dad alive in hospital both sis assured mom she had homes with them.  i knew different and suggested house trade not sale.  neither wanted her and made excuses.  so she died here.  i tried to keep house for sister mom wanted to have but they're afraid mom died here.  and if not for my back i would have been gone from them forever.  i bless and send them love.  

feeling motivated i called Michael @ Walmart ordered supplements and Ray wanted back brace.  no light weight equate i ordered copper fit twice price.  we'll see i may like it.  delivered by tomorrow in stock at store.

i considered going to sunny to return movies and the Big 5 store and target sunflower seeds but i didn't watching 77 sunset strip and Rockford files, Hawaii 5 0 instead.  toke came by with sushi 6:30.

i'm feeling my feelings.  processing letting go.  addiction avoidance so much easier.

stayed up checked emails 9:12 Walmart delivered 4 of 6 items at 9 pm.  i'm amazed.

gym-3 @ 7 am

they know me and wave me through.  i feel like a celebrity.  hot tub ya! soaked massaged my feet and calves 20 minutes.  pool 80 o cold took 5 minutes to adapt paddled alone 10 minutes.  3 degrees makes a big difference.  

dollar tree looked for eggs none.  aquafaba.   cornbread mix, almond milk, 4 dvd.  after lunch bought frozen patty 4 dinners.  to go into tortillas.  

5 new bookmobile movies.  Cody reminds me i get so distracted.  lunch just Alex and me i went back to dollar tree for frozen 4 dinners 2 patties.  

disc 346-89

realized i haven't seen statement due 3 days researched online and paid phone.  

my mid back is healing.  so sore after nu stepping.  why when i'm using my legs and arms i don't know.  but sharp twisty pain.

still hasn't accepted payment-pending

called city talked to girl sidney.  nothing.  strange energy.  salt and pepper on table and heather talked about me moving my charging.  so weird.  swam no tub yet.  watched 'any day now' nu stepped my hour.  i'm so good.  i'm proud of myself.  

toke always asks my plans.  don't have any.  energy is so weird.  

talking to Sue seniors she brags she voted for Trump and believes all his lies refusing to admit he's a liar becoming furious won't admit mistake.  doesn't believe people have died for his lies.  that the news is fake.  i wonder if he's apocalypse satan.  white american women are Trumps power base.  women hating they're women.  Trump objectifies and subjugates everyone men women children.  he uses fear to control and manipulate.  

happy healthy wealthy wise

consolidating my gains.  the distractions force focus commitment.  strengthening my resolve.  right now i'm freshly rested.  

uh oh i forgot to pay city fry day.  oh, well.  won't be forever.  i wonder if i'm low vitamin d?  can cause depression.  besides slow healing.

i can swipe to change pages

new behavior. i keep forgetting how exhausting constant pain is.  lovely sabbath.  don't have to go anywhere do anything.  eating chicken swiss cheese lettuce croissant.  i'm blessed.

i'm exercising my thinking playing mahjongg.  keeping my thinking flexible.

excellent

i haven't had this good a day in i can't remember how long.  beautiful super moon.  lucky's free soda, 2 lbs delicious cherries.  i took my time gym 3 forgot my suit went back to car, passed me through.  usually make me re register.  home 9:15 forgotten i left house open.  still deliciously cool day.  10 am 'any day now' croissant sandwich creamy italian dressing braised chicken with green salad.  

something's happening

i feel it.  i went gym 3 soaked stretched.  Lucky's freebie didn't show 'til after lunch and not in e mails.  i kept checking account to add.   showed up 7:30 pm.  they open 6 am.  

lunch pretty good.  gave toke more avocados for niece visiting.  she left me cost co croissants.  went $tore too busy hot came home.  must remember to wait after lunch rush.  

watching what i want.  tailored repairs.  listening to healing.  ate split pea soup and croissant.  defrosting chicken.  

joshua @ gym 3/bless cody

parking in front i forgot suit so just showered.  picked up recycles and abandoned cap joshua from seniors 3 years ago parked across from me started talking to me.  he's rehabbing his back hit by car riding bike.  looked good must have needed the rest.  he used to fly down to l. a. to consult on films.  

cody brought the chrome combo and offered to let me keep both.  i checked out my new favorite samsung needed charge works even better than lenovo.  i gave him avocados and fruit.  turned in extra book and put away sv hot spot.  i'll take it back later.  .  

feeling surprisingly well listening to healing.

yesterday library rather traumatic.  feeling ganged up on double teamed 2 white boys against asian woman.  not the money the approach rankles.  i may go for tutor today.  every wednesday 2-3.

today gym 7 seniors 8:15.  best #1 parking spot.  waited half hour to give genie avocados.  i just remembered i still have some manju she gave me in fridge.  changed her spelling. 

watched my 5 am game shows.  life improving.  in my opinion.