Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Painful terrible childhood can be better

I''''ve endured sooo much pain and humiliation I wonder if I can embrace and transmute the damage.             

Breathing and sighing helps.  Deep breaths and letting go gently.  

Checked Daily Word, Understanding.   Another word for purpose.  The reason behind the cruelty.  

It has to stop.  

The story of the Garden of Eden is just a story told in archaic terms to archaic people limited in understanding by their environment and experience.  Can I transcend my environment and experience??

Reading opens me to new worlds and different ways.

I've experienced many miracles, coincidences?  Too many and too perfect to be coincidence.

Maybe I can't, but God can.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Down with A's antenna

Saturday no tv reception so I called Joe C.  After talking to Beto and Joe and two antenna companies I decided to scrap the old and wait to start anew.  

As far as I know digital can be placed indoors so maybe I'll try one advertised on tv or check what they have at Fry's.  

All the fear, depression, hopelessness, feeling of being trapped and waiting for death came back this last week.  My childhood was a never-ending bad movie.  Books took me away from my imprisonment.  And now #1 Ladies Detective Agency.  The dvd and books.  A child who was truly loved and cherished becomes a woman able to live her self evolved life the way she chooses.  Not always the way she imagines, not easy or uncomplicated but manageable.  

Like Best Marigold Hotel, if it isn't alright it isn't the end.  Everything comes out alright in the end. 

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Truly Horrible Normal Parents

I've been remembering the past and laying it to rest.  

When I was 16 and had to study for a test.   So I made dad his hot chocolate and buttered toast and had to study instead of watching tv with him and in revenge he put my 20 gal fish tank outside on the patio in the middle of December.  He punished me and my innocent fish for leaving him to eat on his own when I had to study.  

He'd rather I fail my test and in life than he be inconvenienced.  What kind of father is that?

And when he drove mom to suicide.  Well he and his dad.  She was always so afraid something would happen to dad or he'd kill himself like his father.  Because his parents were horrible does not excuse his horrible behavior and mom's condoning everything he did.

I wonder if she ever loved any of us.  She was so boy crazy and projected that on A.  Something in me was aware of projection without having a name for it.  Dad never saw us as people.  Did he even know what feelings were?  To have them and not know what they were.

What is a humane being and how do I find them?

Do they even exist?