resting, babying my body. i'm learning. my family drove me so hard that was all i knew. now i know better i'm doing better. they demanded too much and that's what i knew. i'm learning the optimum.
noon i'm reading June 2017 posts. tough year. Eric died, skylight leaked disposal died. seems like an eternity ago. i always felt so sick.
while i woke 4 am i feel good. i cut cactus for half bin. or it gets too heavy to haul. lots of paddles. i'm developing a system. today lovely cool overcast. my eyes are stinging from smoke fires.
the other green pink bag is definitely gone. i was so happy when i had both in middle room. i looked all around area. tossed a bunch of stuff. i'm deciding what i want to keep.
lunch of tough pork loin topic of conversation. i had no problem. Hell and her boyfriend took best seats so i went to table behind but Inge insisted i sit, she moved over and Hilda set another place. 7 at our table. i feel specially humble. tough pork loin topic of conversation. i had no problem knowing how to saw through lumber.
i went college safe way for bread and iceberg. no bread very limited.
sore back of pelvis and arms. i feel lost and sad. maybe i'm just tired but listening to Kelly Howell 'heal depression' is instantly helping. the puzzle table disappeared. i charged my phone too and gamed. next week gym supposed to open 7-3. weird hours.
home 3 pm allows my back down time to rest. part of pacing myself.
i finally cooked the clearance organic jack fruit. i followed the directions boiled simmered. tastes a little like solid artichoke. i finally cooked the clearance Annie's mac broccoli the directions said chicken i substituted jack delicious.
i was going to trim cactus lovely cool overcast. dressed with back brace and it sprinkled. so i went 24 find out check in. just id. i have one green pink bag with swim but locks in other bag. i used extra from lock drawer. i searched a little bit. doing chores in bits is great. the satisfaction of a job well done without the exhaustion.
b'fast i made tuna salad sliced cucumbers on bread. i'm hungry again.
i dropped off extra food at st j and considered it my one task, came to wash. changed coins did only bedding. an hour to charge chrome. wiped basket, filled waters. lovely cool overcast has burned off. they call the weather monsoon.
ate lunch with inge and art. charged chrome and left for home. i for went games and sweeps. another addiction bites the dust.
i found my window and drapes open. thankfully the overcast came back and it was still cool. i used the cart for the laundry saving my back. hung the sheet and mattress cover. used the new stainless steel rack for the bed spread. so big i'll have to use the smaller ones when dry.
i worried about dinner. i forgot i have the last of veg and chicken and bread and butter for dessert. i'm more tired than i know.
i'm practicing listening. i considered laundry, 24 exercise and came to seniors for chrome. i could still wash i have forever. i walked stretched picked up 2 bottles 1 can. crossed parking stood between driveways mustang man asked about center. maybe he was an angel maybe me i was at appointed place and time.
i got camp chair from trunk and back pillow for front door wooden bench. burger king would be perfect. i did. .6 mi there .8 back to seniors. new behavior. old me would have felt obliged to go home. i would have felt too guilty of being happy. they beat into me i didn't deserve to be happy. and so i learned to beat myself.
when i worked at Goodwill Robert a client at the Oakland factory/training center propositioned me at 6 am before a managers meeting. i was incensed and sought out a lead who told me he was a trainee. next month meeting he was wrapped in bandages limping with a crutch. i asked the lead and she said he threw himself down a flight of stairs explaining he did that whenever things became too comfortable. taught me about conditioning. all my relationships were a repeat of my family. betrayal and pain.
sitting pretty. i set up my space. the quiet is soothing my autism. i can relax. air condition kicking in.
i cut cactus into bin. did more than i planned it was so easy. 7 am cool and shady. watched my exercise 6-7 made and ate my b'fast. a few stickers i removed before set into my hand. watered porch plants.
then i loaded laundry, removed seltzer to house, loaded excess food too.
i renewed films i haven't watched. at home i've been marathon watching 'murder she wrote'. i brought films to renew or return. i had to go back to car after reaching front. i brought chrome and home made lunch egg pickle and p'nut butter honey sandwiches with corn chips for snack.
3 i kept falling asleep. i was home 3:30 feeling ok. i think because i wore back brace from 7 am. so itchy under braces.
I HAVE BEEN ONLY IN THINKING I CAN LIVE as AN ISLAND. SOMEWHAT IRONIC since I WAS BORN ON OAHU.
with all caps no misspellings. huh. program keeps resetting to normal when i prefer medium size type.
i love watching people. my family yelled at me so i stopped. next came hitting, beating. must be the allure of tv. people watching without punishment. i know i preferred the tv to my family.
my schedule of home watching 'love boat' is helping me heal. a regular schedule of doing and resting. this morning i stripped and made up the bed. after seniors i bought 3 8-pack limitless seltzer at double points and my free hand sanitizer with $10 purchase. i feel good.
Cody offline computer frozen. nothing i did.
$tore i exchanged broken u v light for garbage bags. dropped off picked up at main. seniors thinking about art inge gone and seeing helen i decided to take away. i ate greasy skinny fatty chicken a little brown rice. the cauliflower red bell pepper i picked out as best i could i could feel my feet swelling. i tossed the fat skin soggy carrots veg's.
good day for America's tire air pressure top up. i went inside (3rd car) to ask wait time he said 5 minutes. i went to use facilities to wash up from lunch and another guy was working on car #1. i sat in my car. he waved me forward and did my tires. senior red car in lane 2 asked him if he needed to move, yes. i felt energy went to bed/bath. walked store found clearance clothes drying rack. went back to car for coupons couldn't decipher fine print. not for clearance i used gift card. i could get water filters on gift card, duh.
considered what i wanted to do. drove past main no shady parking back to seniors. my feet up on chair in the cool air condition charging chrome.
home 3 'love boat' i ate almonds, chips. dinner eggs rice, onions potato carrots, cookies, more chips. too much. i fell asleep sugar coma for half hour. my back and stomach are rebuking me.
early night nothing on tv. ok i'm listening.
i remembered $tore 2 chips no kettle, 2 amber wash, liners, $4 clearance $tore wax paper, u v light, 3 laundry bag, 4 garbage bag, 2 white poly scarf.
i paid p g e and bought 2 H2o2. 96 cents and here i am seniors. and the blog program is doing weird things again. i went into lunch late but helen and gerda absent. both inga and art gone tomorrow. home at 3 for 'love boat'. a small world of manageable relationships. why people get caught up in tv shows. substitutions for childhoods. nothing on after 8. 5-7:15 i watched 'man from snowy river' my best memory during my ex marriage. most of my marriage was a concentrated reduction of my family life. i wouldn't have noticed otherwise how horrific my childhood was. i'm so so glad i'm not there now. i stay in the now. i live in the now.
i must have released some deeply buried emotions last night. i feel lighter and spent the morning tidying. i've been hope filled for 20 years about recovering from my back injuries to little avail. maybe i am delusional like the kaiser shrink said. she doubted the veracity of my first hand life experiences because they didn't happen to her. oh, well not like i haven't encountered that from my family my whole life.
Walter showed up 2 and we talked half hour 'til i went home. rerun i didn't particularly care for so i puttered. made chicken sandwich lettuce mayo relish. and i smell like lunch fish.
finally connected for fit kit asked about social worker, member services transfer Elizabeth said i had to get authorization from Dr peter. 23:30 min. i don't have his number. everything burned up in my phone April. i looked online.
i'm feeling painfully pressured. my childhood exhaustion is back. fighting off the fear of being worthless. suppressing feeling for a lifetime is exhausting.
i skinned, defatted, cooked 13 little chicken thighs in garage micro to keep house cool. 2 batches i left to cool in garage.
i tried tuna sand for lunch full of raw onions diced and sliced. i considered give away but i was hungry. green salad terrible dressing i ended up tossing. i ate apple and drank milk and fruit punch.
chrome 38% i charged lunch and upstairs watching 'no, honestly'. 2:30 packed up for home. ate corn bread/soup. watched 'love boat' then shredded 4 c chicken over half hour. lettuce wrap/b&b pickles. dessert pb honey butter bread.
midnight restless removed clothes from bed to corner bed/r.
i've decided normal is not enough. i've wanted to be normal due to maternal pressure that no longer applies.
i can be whoever i choose. i went to college safe way after loading just 4 u offers. i only bought lettuce and returned to seniors. i'm sitting on sloping bench by auto door. perfect angle to relax. maybe i'll use jack fruit. this is malfunctioning again.
i picked up lucky's 1 freebie limitless 8 pack lemon, lavender, grapefruit.
sunny vale library parking filled by volunteers cars. i looked for healing c d's and lee albert pain free. i found louise hay 'heal your life' 2017 the year she died 8/30. i have 1976 booklet 'heal your body.'
i cooked, well, nuked potato egg onion for sandwich. i'm cooking all the onions by slicing rings, separating on parchment total 9 minutes. smells so good.
breakfast was hot oatmeal/raisins packets art gave me years ago. i already ate the plain cream of wheat.
my table was taken when i went to book sale so i'm trying different spots and found the good ergonomic chairs way in the back of the stacks. i have brick wall back support, chair for my legs, can rock back and forth.
i won 2 steel straws, cleaning brush, bag. city recycle department. sunny vale.
east india couple came and talked so i packed up for home telling them my displeasure.
i went to safe way and bought firemen gift card. parking by door in shade. and half price 2 piece corn bread. still learning to listen. when i hear spirit everything is smooth and easy.
decided to go st just. open sat day but i'm trying to avoid too much at once. end of month is all surplus and since they're closed sun and moon day they don't store. 4 bags. frozen chicken thighs, ground turkey, 6 cucumbers, potatoes, onions, interesting 24 oz soft bag of chili no beans. roll of t p, natural tooth paste. i prefer unnatural anti plaque. one bag to return.
i talked to grace. she's doing ok. she had a collections bill for 10/31/2020 $107 unpaid portion hospital stay. she said she has social worker i don't know. i continue to pray for her. she was eating cake for lunch.
my right shoulder blade painful. i'm remembering elbow in. i finished folding putting away clothes. i'm back on track.
i didn't freak out i collapsed screen by accident and retrieved it. yay! me.
i'm eating oatmeal, yogurt and cheerios. lunch frozen fish patty, watered broccoli beans cauliflower, canned tropical fruit. i washed plastic take away filled water.
walter showed up again. another 2 and half hour counseling session. an hour may be optimum i don't know. i spend days weeks on my issues at a time. i'm blessed to have hypnotism certification under my belt and all the various disciplines i've studied. i drove to e c r in second gear. i'm not quite ready to get paid for counseling yet.
got going early so i washed at laff and found 11 cans, 1 glass and plastic bottle. it was lovely walking the parking lot. got to seniors had lunch with the gang while charging chrome. picked up holds at main and on to veg fruit store 2 pints strawberries. cup used computer only 1 hr now. they're open 10-6 m-sat like sunny vale. finished charging chrome.
on dunford freebies on side walk doll furniture, tiny kettle to add to my collection, paper clips and nail for kitchen brush. used cart to get laundry and hung easily.
home to watch 'love boat' i cleaned and prepped strawberries made a big salad with beef jerky, sliced almonds, sunflower seeds, yogurt, senior lettuce.
mellow evening. 'around the world in 80 days', 'the great race'.
got to seniors and decided i'd just live by feelings. whatever i feel like doing. sun day newspaper was waiting for me in driveway. i picked it up and did my walk and stretch. back at the car i sorted and read part. i recycled paper and decided i could empty upstairs in computer room. at 11 i went in and charged laptop sitting with inge, art, helen. she's always interrupting me. i started to tell them about whole foods. gerde showed up late and hilda added her to the table. gerde talks herself down like she's joking but she isn't really.
i was sitting outside seniors on bench for medium signal and walter showed up. he's so like me in life time line. we walked around and talked for 2 half hours 'til i felt like watching 'love boat.' perfect, he needed to go home take vitamins then move camper. stinky man kept following us around. i listened to 'healing' the entire time. at one point avoiding stinky i suggested sitting on patio and asked him to find outlet while i visited potty. he asked if i had cord. later it dawned on me his question was ridiculous. why would i ask for an outlet without a cord? he thinks i'm crazy. i charged the laptop listening to 'healing'.
i got home brought in bins. watered porch plants. after all the heat very dry. i heated potatoes added cheese and egg. plus chips perfect.
i feel contented.
i went to dollar tree 3 kettle chips 2/$1 pair men's ankle black socks, 25 cent scissors. then i checked sprouts clearance sugar sweetened jumbo cranberries. may not be best price, we'll see. 12 oz/$1.99.
i'm sitting at metal table with benches and umbrella. sunny vale library so civilized. and 8 ' wooden benches in shade. woman taking nap. i parked under the all day shade red wood.
it's quite breezy. i'm thinking panera for lunch and dinner. i want to visit whole foods too. maybe something there.
the weather is amazing. quite perfect.
i checked out 10/20 whole foods=amazing.
panera strawberry poppy seed salad with steak cheddar sand amazing too.
dream that woke me very young dad on patio with his tools to remodel house.
9:17 i picked up b'king lunch 2 jr fries which i ate after arriving 9:46 sunny vale library my favorite redwood tree parking in all day shade. removed raw onions and stored in cooler in trunk. inside i set up my favorite spot. table with chair against brick post for support.
i remembered i have target gift card $12.10. looking online to see how far from library they have whole foods close too. sunny vale is 2 degrees cooler. may be a viable place to shop. certainly more civilized regarding cooling center and reopening.
ate my burger and now i'm watching full episodes of 'no, honestly' from 1970's. i get to do the 70's over.
i realized the pink bathroom is part of my pink marble octagon bagua home.
playing my games, sweepstakes. feeling happy is more comfortable.
i went to target after driving around looking for whole foods store. across the street from target i don't trust the underground parking lot.
home 6 pm lovely.
it's supposed to reach 90. i may stay at seniors. lunch was ok. 'creole cat fish' tilapia, black beans, rice, slaw, carrot raisin, frozen blueberries.
except for excessive heat outside a beautiful day. high breeze keeping things moving. lovely indoors. strong signal in computer room. i'm charging too. 3 pm i did wheel for tomorrow. i've been gaming, quiz, lotto until it kicked me out. games and used up computer time. 2 hours is long.
this is also best angle for hands actually in my lap.. no possibility of carpal tunnel. and end station against wall total support. that's what i'm looking for: total support.
home 5 pm for concentration. mixed slaw with carrot salad after i removed yuck raisins added sesame. made mac cheese with tuna. chicken sea chunk light pretty good. i'm feeling mellow yellow.
seniors i computed in the parking lot 'til i knew table would be full and i could sit anywhere without resentment from the ladies table. i sat with john listening to 'healing' and playing games.
vera's car wouldn't start so i hung around 'til it started. i told her if starter didn't turn over no electricity from battery or bum starter. she said wasn't driven for a week while in san diego. she cancelled call to triple a so i decided to go to lucky's and pay bank then returned to seniors she was gone..
i computed upstairs for an hour, took my time came home watched 'love boat'. adjusted straps on 2 tops and repaired back brace.
thought about the 90 o heat projected for tomorrow and this weekend. i have sunny vale library and barns and noble as fall backs. or i can hunker down here. after 8 years of being bed ridden i know can manage.
for dinner i cooked last potatoes with parmesan and herbs and suddenly remembered i had fresh cobs of corn and nuked one. i added sesame and sliced almonds to lunch cole slaw. very satisfying. i found more seasoning in fridge.
at seniors 4 cars have pulled in, parked and then left. i confuse easily.
i ate my potato onion omelet from yesterday. i made 2. goes good with half bagel cream cheese and jelly.
i don't know. i'm wearing white again. i used to wear only white for the longest time after my divorce. i got an ovation from the leonetti girls the first time i wore yellow. the funny bit is i never noticed i was wearing only white for over a year maybe longer.
when i went to eat with art he hadn't arrived but inge was there. i sat with her 'til art showed up. gerda didn't make it. maurice is in pacific gardens $7/month. i think he likes the company. and inge so jealous of anyone around him. i suggested home health care aide like may has and she got riled.
i ate lunch inside w/art. ron that never answers sat down too. neither of gals showed.
listening to 'sound healing' and computing. i'll use upstairs computer for games. laptop for blogs.
it's a plan.
right hip is hurting gloriously. i'll use pain free. that was weird it disappeared. couldn't get it back with redo.
i'm wearing stretch denim top i found in bed clothes. i like it. i'm wearing bra inserts. i love all the clothes i have.
i read and did all the stretches in pain free re balancing my muscles.
daily word in mail Hurrah!! and all's right with the world. read articles.
watched tv, cooked potato, beet, yam. made big tuna green salad for lunch and amazed myself eating the whole thing.
i cleaned a little, explored stuff i didn't know i had. what a lovely do what i want day.
read lee a. pain free book. i dedicated the day to healing my body and spirit. advised read entire book but so repetitive. and i did.
and i put car registration tag on easy. i brought it inside, cleaned and applied.
do i even want burger king? yes i do. it's not good for me. i have potato egg bagel at home.
i went to kiely park to load barns & noble coupon to try for 'sound healing.' stopped at wall mart for medicare nicotine gum and was totally dissed twice. i could have walked out with $131 of lock up product. first the rude white woman who interjected herself instead of waiting and the hijab wearing clerk too afraid of offending the white woman leaving me with 3 boxes. there were 3 other pharmacy clerks all minority. i finally paid for everything 2 mini pies, 3 corn, salad mix.
i calmed myself and came to barns. david was very patient and capable listening to my tale and trying to order for me. he said if not in stock at supplier order would be dropped. one way or another 7 business days for 7/5. and i'm using wi-fi.
time to move i debated b king more, detoured to lucky's cheesy corn curls, tulsi tea, cherries $1.98. detoured again back-front main listening to 'sound healing' in the shade. if i want i can eat pie, curls & cherries.
remember the good.
i bought burger king came home and feasted. took out recycle and garbage.
i'm sitting on the sunny vale patio. i parked in spot i noticed last week in all day shade under redwood. may be resin dropping i don't know. great internet reception. i'm listening to 'heal depression.' heaven.
12:30 finished senior sandwich and blueberries. watching 'longevity paradox' after class stretch cautioned against eating too much fruit out of season.
heavenly. i can watch listen you tube. have my lunch on patio. lovely breeze. i may take a walk. i walked around the library. i picked out films and found brand new sealed 'good neighbors' fourth series.
home 3:30. i stopped at nob hill used the $5 off $35 to buy hemp oil and dark chocolate. i don't know why i didn't think of it before. i sleep better and it's full of omegas. works great on my anxiety.
my ring finger still hurts sometimes. must be linked to my back. my tailbone, haunches, thighs take turns or maybe i only notice what hurts the worst.
feeling tired and feeling sad feel the same to me. i did a lot yesterday. pretty much all business for the month. the important things. crucial.
i computed in the parking lot. i went in to eat with art and newbie joanne. she lives in the neighborhood. she moved in just before covid with her son and daughter in law. i couldn't eat the potato salad raw onions i offered to toke came in to pick up and leave. helen no longer wants lunch. toke deferred onion salad to art. inge showed up 11:35 i was finished eating so i left.
home by noon i put weekend food away and watched bette davis marathon channel 2.3 and comedies on 7.3. makes me happy. i slept and feel better. i had no idea i was so exhausted.
well, half hour of peace. i'm listening to heal depression. any and all are good. indoor lunch was good. i sat with art and toke. inge came by late. gerde thought tomorrow first day. inge cracked her back on an escalator saving maurice from falling. toke is concerned that helen has given up. we'll see.
i picked up holds from main, withdrew from chase, bought blueberries 3 packs, deposit credit union, parked in shade cup. my banking done. good for me.
bought b king for dinner. fell asleep half hour. washed 2 packs 12 ounces blueberries and ate them dessert. so good. i've never eaten so much fruit. either my diet is missing something or fruit is better quality.
