Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The best Xmas ever-Cruelty Begone

Best Present Ever - The Present

I remember an aerosol can with "bullshit begone" printed on the label.  I have to make and print some labels, "cruelty begone".

Such a wonderful day of Peace and Joy.  And nothing to spoil it.  Had turkey pot pie and huge salad.  I have everything I need.  I want safety and security.  Protection.  I've never felt safe before.  I guess that's why Mit is incommunicado.  She'd make me nervous and I'd start second guessing myself. 

And I'm having lunch at the srs.  Something new for me.  I wasn't signed up tho I'd said I was doing the entire month.  Maybe I have to sign up week by week.  People die. 

So new behaviors creating new neural pathways.  No wonder sometimes I feel weird. 

I cried today after lunch.  I sat in my car crying.  A woman walking past lit a smoke and I asked her if she had another.  She didn't.  Saved again.  They are all so nice to me.  They took time with me and let me observe their patterns.  They respectfully interacted with me after weeks of my getting used to them and their communicating styles.  It hurts to release the safety locks storing all the unacknowledged pain and suffering.  Rusted shut.  Spiritual WD 40.  No wonder it hurts so bad.  61 years of hiding and protecting myself.  Finally free from the cruelty.

Listening to the old lady complaining she spent xmas alone.  She didn't invite anyone to share it or maybe her friends know better than to accept.  You keep trying, moving forward.  If you want company you keep asking until you get what you want.  Be careful what you want.  Be as clear as you can.  Or give it to God who knows what's in your heart and can fulfill your heart's desire.  Be specific on the clear, clean feeling.

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