Friday, June 12, 2015

CHILDHOOD ISN'T FOR SISSIES

THEY SAY OLD AGE ISN'T FOR SISSIES BUT NEITHER IS CHILDHOOD.  

I'VE TAKEN TO WRITING IN CAPS TO AVOID SHIFTING.  THIS IS AUTOWRITE.  ALL WRITE.

AWESOME!!!

I LOVE THE PINK / GREEN BACKGROUND.  MY PROMISE OF A GIFTED LIFE.  

WHILE DOING THE COURSE IN MIRACLE IN GILROY 1985 I LUCID DREAMED I WALKED DOWN THE HALLWAY AT 2281 NOBILI, MY FAMILY HOME, AND ENTERED THE BATHROOM TO FIND CARPET WHERE THE BATHTUB SHOULD BE AND A STACK OF GIFTS WRAPPED IN WHITE PAPER / GREEN AND PINK RIBBONS.  I KNEW ALL THESE PRESENTS WERE MINE.

THAT'S WHERE THE MOM-ABUSER DIED, IN THE BATHTUB.

MADE ME FEEL A LITTLE WEIRD.  I'VE ALL WAYS FELT LIKE A TRESSPASSER IN THE HOUSE THAT WAS NEVER MY HOME.  IN ALL WAYS.  I FELT ABUSED.  I THOUGHT I WAS CINDERELLA AND THESE PEOPLE WERE MY EMPLOYERS.  

I ASKED MY MOM ONE TIME WHY SHE ALLWAYS ASKED ME TO DO EVERYTHING AND SHE SAID BECAUSE I NEVER COMPLAINED, LIKE ANYONE WOULD HAVE NOTICED.  OR CARED.

I WAS PUNISHED FOR EVERYONE ELSE'S SCREWUPS!!  I WOULD HAVE BEEN PUNISHED FOR COMPLAINING. 

MY CHILDHOOD MADE ME PARANOID.  ALL MISTAKES BECAME MY FAULT AND ALL MY SUCCESSES WERE CONSIDERED LUCK.  OF COURSE I HAVE AN ANXIETY DISORDER.  IT'S ONLY A DISORDER BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL DEAD TO ME.  MY WARNING SYSTEM AVOIDS ANY AND ALL SIMILAR TYPES.  

EXPLAINS MY DISCOMFORT WITH SUCCESS.  THE UPSIDE IS I DON'T NEED APPROVAL OTHER THAN MY OWN.

THE ABUSERS AROUND MY LIFE ARE MINOR BY COMPARISON.  AND I AM NOT BIOLOGICALLY RELATED TO ANY OF THEM.



I'M STILL IN THE HOUSE LEARNING TO FEEL AT HOME.




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