I learn so much from observing people. I puzzled, entered my contests. I love living for myself. I've been a slave. freedom is scary good.
I showered. online I managed to load free Safeway 12 oz Starbucks and decided I have all day to stretch. my new behaviors are all about stretching.
I picked up free Ardor energy at Lucky's after gym shower at 8. clearance almond pastry and sale Pringles.
I drove to Citibank wouldn't print payment receipt. I arrived Sunny lunch 9:30 the parking brisk.
one thing at a time. the lack of wi-fi is a good thing to help keep me in focus. Armando advised me to arrive early on salmon day due to high demand.
Lucky clerk gave me 12 game tickets ends 7/15. I had to go to library to use internet to enter codes. (monopoly I waited to enter codes all at once and found restrictions per day.) I rested and looked at the puzzles. I got home 1:10 for game shows. I love a relaxed life. happy Friday to me.
I'm feeling autism anxiety. new things are a challenge. I'm taking care of me. not sacrificing my good feels weird. I'm so used to denying myself pleasure. my family trained me to suffer. I'm so used to sabotage I do it to myself occasionally. I'm improving. I'm sitting comfortably in the car in the shade.
I have 98% of my life experience with adversity. heaven is scary when I have been lied to and cheated by my family. still. I expect the world to end. my sisters are more than capable of crazy. I expected Mitzi to be sane but she always sides with crazy to avoid conflict. she just perpetuates the crazy.
I woke with a vacuum in the pit of my stomach. I wondered if it was new or had I always had it.
I googled stomach vacuum it's a real thing.
gym#2 Safeway and Cup. no free soda no blueberry almonds. I enjoyed the drive. no traffic.
9:30 am on to Mission Walmart. I finally know I don't like driving the expressway. I like taking my time and the scenic route. I got CoQ10 and eye vitamins I needed. it's a bigger store, better parking.
home 10:30 am. time to ponder.
I slept 12 hours reminding me when I was bed ridden. my back was so messed up. I was musclebound. I was so sick my digestion so restricted I ended up in emergency twice not able to tolerate water. eventually I discovered grapefruit juice a miracle.
best memorial weekend 70-72 degrees. Perfect. library is my haven-heaven. tomorrow all stores open.
home 4:22 from home Safeway. shade parking no soda. no almonds I wanted. salad mix and shaved cheeses, clearance drinks and baby food. maybe super store tomorrow.
too early for seniors. bought Mac cheese no sale tuna salad left I bought chicken 2/$3.
seniors comfortable I drove to St Just closed I continued to Cup. I visualized perfect shady parking. driving to I realized Lexus big L-oser. picked up my holds, asked about renewal/update. they need to see license.
Sunny library Hula dancers. Twice. Hmm.. my taste in clothing comfort hula dresses. big school. many costumes all styles I would wear. where ware. I returned hot spot.
I stopped at Sunny dollar tree for nuggets, glucosamine, tuna salad and mouthwash. home at 1 pm I toasted Toke corn pudding and nuked nuggets fries. 2:30 I needed a nap. 4:45 I woke from lovely, restorative, deep sleep. just perfect to watch Idiot Test.
G Lucky's had 2 freebies today garlic I can't believe it's butter and 16.9 oz recover drink I got watermelon flavor today. I got ads for Toke and I. clearance almond bear and half peach pie, 4 lays chips for 2.
I did the hukilau hula with the lunch entertainment. I remembered most of the song but not the dance. I answered biggest island Hawaii for treats gave a biscotti to Fred. Toke didn't want any treats brought us mini apple pie. great refillable sanitizer I made Walter get one. high blood pressure I'm so excited. mirror, water best water bottle ever, things I wanted. last health fair for this year.
I'm trying not to over do. I'm still so excited I want to run and run. I entered my contests. I want my libraries. tomorrow. or Sunday.
1:30 I'm hungry. weird fish, sweet potato, bread butter, Cole slaw possible onions I gave to Toke. my stomach is already upset. windy 10 mph air full of junk. I ate prep tuna sandwich and lunch banana.
I automatically tuned to Happy's Place-Reba McEntire.
I'm feeling surprisingly well. I'm getting enough rest. I watched "New Tricks" that I missed 2003 due to exploratory surgery to remove 32 year cyst not cancer from diseased Ex. 2 times in emergency from dehydration 3 hour IV and catheter. my back was so messed up I couldn't even keep water down for 3 days. so Emetrol. and looking up paxil I needed to wait 2 weeks to take after Wellbutrin. no wonder I was poisoned. Kaiser was so bad.
Toki gave me some weird corn ? pudding? I don't know. I started a new puzzle and the Van Gogh almond blossoms has reappeared. maybe later.
I'm floating on my ocean paradise. I finished the cat puzzle 2 missing pieces. lunch was perfect. Walter sat talking to Gloria about his father's death while her father lies in the hospital again. he has no discernment totally selfish like his father. preferring to be a child.
I'm done. he can recreate the past I'm getting on with my future. he doesn't have to want to be happy. he can settle for normal.
I'm relaxed. I'm practicing living stress free. Freedom from the past. they controlled me using fear. Like Trump. he manipulates people using their emotions against them. I recognized the technique.
for all of us. even the moaning and groaning. woman telling me I'm lucky when she complains about her sight but refuses to correct with A Reds vitamins, W H Bates Vision Improvement. I work at being the best me I can be. do nothing and complain or be the best. SIMPLE.
half hour early I asked homes' Safeway manager free drink wouldn't load. problem with online. used over ride for freebie and I bought 4 chips.
Lisa invited me to St Justin senior lunch bingo so I came. Sylvia saw me sitting alone and kept me company. coffee is making me sweat. Costco Alfredo chicken, Cesar salad, roll and butter, vanilla or chocolate ice cream cup. I feel at home. Jane, Lisa, Ron, Ed, Victor from senior center. I won twice. $2 pots. everyone should experience such lovely events.
I did it. I used my purple seat pillow.
I'm terrified. I've no idea what I'm doing. my life is my own for the first time.
watching the final season of Cheers. my best consistent relationships was always TV. reliable characters. basically loving caring human.
1993 mom's suicide brought everything into focus. explained so much about their behavior. and why I missed watching the end. I was in shock. the others were pretending it wasn't happening. 4 against me. just like always.
today's daily word. I wasn't feeling it when I woke. 11:26 after puzzle, soak stretch, Valley Village Jumble, St Just lunch pick up, central book sale, I reminded myself. I ate lunch, found 5 items. an incredible egg and cheese cookbook, another copy of Stuber, 2004 British Alice in Wonderland, Margaret Cho autobiography, I've never seen Broke back Mtn.
my reward for picking up free Peace tea and Mauna Loa clearance $4.53. $3 under cooked cornbread. it occurred to me same as hot chocolate but frozen. and Costco gas at SC $.25 less/gal than sunny. so I sat eating my treat and space #1 opened and I moved my car. today's health fair half is handicapped parking.
I puzzled.
playing on the puzzle is relaxing. gives me a chance to assimilate and accept my healing. allows my unconscious to fix things. my auto pilot.
Course in Miracles is all about mental discipline. I told Walter he has to control his mind like a puppy. minds are tools that plan, organize and construct.
Valley Village Jumble tomorrow Fri 1-5 Sat 10-3.
I was never allowed. they could play I had to work. mom said it was because I didn't complain. Lies! I was punished. they turned complaining into their life's work.
heaven is unknown territory. it's specific and personal. hell is everywhere. heaven is new and experimental.
the week mom took dad's sleeping pills she had me drive her to 3 stores, walked around didn't buy anything. I was annoyed. driving home looking out the passenger window she asked if I knew dad's father hung himself. WHAT? no way. if at 43 no one ever talked about it how would I know. Now I know why we moved away from Hawaii to California. to hide the truth. and I realize why my suicide research beginning at 16 freaked her.
so today I told Walter about the purple car seat I've been sleeping on and 100% better. he argues he has a memory foam mattress topper and I reply yeah it's working so well you can't sleep. LOL. he has an excuse to keep his pain. I told him if he wants to keep his pain so badly he has a right I just don't want to hear his complaints. he's fighting so hard to stay in pain. his physical pain is preferable to his emotional pain. his chickens care more about his comfort than he does and if he truly cares about his chickens he has to do something. he's thinking. I think.
and now "Young Frankenstein".
we torture ourselves in an attempt to control our feelings. we tell ourselves what makes us feel better. part of ourselves knows the truth.
It rained hard at 9 am. I was in the tub and cut my soak short to close the car window. everyday's a little harder.
thanks to all. I put out garbage and came home to a parking space after moving the left neighbor's bin. lunch was OK with Fred and Toki. she forgot comics for the first time. I found partial 49/64 box of dark choc liquors exp 8/3/24 dried still delicious.
Bartolo and Della put in 2 hours 3-5. Clean up done today.
to move my car into front van gone, prep and cook asparagus. even more delicious. soaking it overnight plumps and sweetens fruit. and I have stems to toss or trim. nuked bite sized pieces 4 minutes tossed in tips to cook by residual heat. best breakfast yet.
when mom died mother's day 2001 I cried as I'm crying now. I'll never know love. all love is based on mother love. I give up. Karen Carpenter's "I'll Say Goodbye to Love". she died of anorexia feeling unloved while a world loved her music. I always suspected a lot of control and abuse from her family. it's hard to recover from lack of mother love.
I'm re watching all 8 Harry Potter movies. a lot of people identify as orphans.
I just realized the cover of release guilt is the oil I painted before 1988. reminded me of Nora Gemini Books Morgan Hill. she has big business Angel Star. she and her 2 sons.
I may take a third picture.
I puzzled at seniors, soaked feeling sad and decided to go to St Just early for a change. 10 am long line so I people watched for half hour. I got sandwiches and weekend bag with extra waters, tuna.
library parking lots of cars unusual. LEGO day lots of kids to cheer me. funny babies. I guess why people have kids. I pray for them. life is more complicated exponentially.
I'm changing. this is the first year I want to use city clean up. I'm thinking. and I announced I'm having lunch at Sunny 5/30. and I tired of listening to DNA repair I'm back with Kelly. I borrowed classical stretch and tone up. I'm reading Heal Your Gut by Partha Nandi, MD. this and chiropractics for my best life. ALL I NEED. I went for my third picture and decided I wanted to pick up more movies. I looked online and decided on county pick up. I prayed for the perfect shade spot and parked mail courier none on Saturday. feeling good I drove to Sunny parked across street in shade. rescued water bottles tossed garbage.
nothing at Sprouts, G Lucky's I bought my frozen fried rice and asparagus for dinner. home no street parking I expected neighbors to take advantage so I parked in my driveway. I took out tom's lawn mower from garage.
I picked up free drink and almond bear claw pastry $3/ from 7 at Lucky's. I puzzled at seniors no spot charger. I started to panic and assessed my options. it's just a cord. I can get another, etc.
everyone buzzing over mom day lunch salmon wild? rice, no asparagus substituted brussel sprouts. ice cream cup fun instead of strawberries and cream. Cesar salad. Walter showed up early. senior Shen Yung group entertained again.
spot charger was on the floor at home. I was wiped out walking and talking at the health fair for 45 minutes. I sorted through all the info.
I napped 3-4. back to my game shows. 13th is coming up. I've been too sick and distracted to process and release mom's death. I feel so much stronger this year. it's tied up to my sisters' betrayal. another emotional hit.
making myself happy. I'm feeling guilty feeling happy. bingo exercise I had 34 wins I earned 2 bags, car tool, motion rechargeable light. I feel rich.
Toki and Walter held our seats. Trudy and Ken too. Walter's calming. I asked him to back off Nahyoung as a favor to me. he's thinking about it.
my back is screaming I'm not wearing a brace. I'm motivated to keep moving.
today's penultimate bingo exercise class. I have 30 points.
Walter is acting the fool. he blames Nahyoung for his pain just like his father blamed everyone else. then he's helpless to improve his life. he trusts Jennifer.
wheel is not updating.
Ben Glieb is so funny and Leah Remini is so compassionate no matter how nervous and inept the contestants are. makes me smile.
Walter played the brat again today. he's just not dealing with his dad's death energy. his choice. I have to let go and let God. yesterday I called his behavior obstreperous and he asked what it meant I told him difficult. an obstacle. he said people give him a hard time I told him doesn't give him the right to do it to others especially when they give it back. Nahyoung does not consider it flirting or fun.
the food is sub par. I can understand it not being important to him but he does have friends here seniors.
we are constantly praying. our brains are generating energy creating our experience.
still processing feeling depressed. the parents never dealt with their feelings just vomited them on others blamed for their imperfect lives. the only way to happiness is through the pain and darkness.
I could never make anyone happy and was resented for my happiness. it takes work, focus, courage. others are jealous and resentful. they try to sabotage. stay focused and run away.
I got in the car at 7:37 and decided to try Danny's recycle $5.11. so fast I'm amazed. I feel loved by the universe when things go my way.
I soaked then drove to Merriwest for deposit and Sprouts walk chick salad .475 lb $2.42 I found to try. St Justin sandwich lunch pick up, library I returned a hot spot. my back is screaming from 1972 damage. time for willow.
I just found out I can charge my phone through the chrome USB port. and I called checked deposit. I rested 'til 2:30 drove to $-tree remembered I wanted chick nuggets/crinkle fries and found chick sticks/mac. 20 oz Welch's pineapple soda one time buy 163% sugar 2 fake dyes. delicious.
3 pm ate half chick salad. waiting for 5 pm Idiot Test.
I'm freaking out and calming myself. I woke feeling depressed and hopeless, my mom's life. they never dealt with their feelings blaming me. torturing me. that's what Walter does. creates now situations to blame his feelings on. that's what ex did too as if he was being persecuted.
WOW! Epiphany. mom, ex, Walter prefer their pain. they don't want anything else.
I picked up free sangria soda, walked Lucky's store.
tables are set up so no room for seniors. I'm hanging in the computer room. I exercised early with nothing else to do. my back was literally killing me. I felt I was dying. 2001 all over again. 10 more days to 24 years. I took a willow and the inflammation is gone, pain is less.
the damage from last year's collision is ricocheting up and done my spine into my hips, legs, feet. my neck and arms, shoulders compromised.
bad move to let it go. it's not letting me go.
Walter isn't aware of his pain and how he holds on so tight. I made him get a magnifier for Teresa. he's learned to deflect keeping his pain intact.
I came home for 1 pm Idiot Test. picked up Sunny movies to return. checked hot spot and movies. home 5 pm Idiot test.
I picked up a small bag of plastic bottles from Inge. decided to go to seniors. Danny's recycle can wait.
I soaked, stretched, bingo exercise, lunch, mailed life, withdrew chase and home for Idiot Test. and I have so many options.
deposit can wait. Sunny spot either today or tomorrow.
