magnets-paid citibank $72-still 25/60

I ate instant oatmeal.  dressed.  packed chrome and spot.

I drove to 24 hour with my plan.  no parking I paid Citibank and bought 2 Cali XL at SV.  back to 24 hour at 10:30 am parked and showered.  15 lbs lighter after a month away from the senior center.  I had a low blood sugar episode in the locker room dressing and no sugar.  I lay down for half an hour 'til I could manage.  15 years since the last one.  taking it slowly I was OK.  sugar free gum 5 calories mistake triggered another low blood sugar faint.

noon I ate Cali burger and removed diced onions.  best $6 burger 7.2 beef.

and I slept.  reminded me Enrico Caruso slept a month at a time in Rome hospitals for weight loss.  

roasts used to smell good

now they stink.  poultry, pork, beef, veg.  food is toxic and contaminated.

we've poisoned the planet.  no one escapes.  

just breathe=Sunny 26-25/60

2004 movie girl next door what were they thinking.  shallow Hal 2001.

I want to soak at 24 hour but so cold 39 degree at 7 am.  I'll wait 'til it warms up.  OMG now it's colder 37 degrees at 8 am.

my family stole my joy along with my stuff.  my life was charmed except for their curses.  toxic poison people.

I'm charging my phone and chrome.  listening to infinite Louise Hay.  re-reading looking backward by Edward Bellamy on Gutenburg.org that I read in college.  so full of emotion.

releasing Eric.  denying all the times he was literally green from alcohol poisoning and the times I'd drive us home from $5 K jobs he paid me $100 but split when he worked with the guys.  the fact that when Vanna White hired him he took the guys and didn't tell me 'til after it was a done deal.  

all the times 40 years Thomas cheated and betrayed me.  made me sick.  

Sunny 29/60 still hot spot

I want a hot spot over New Year.   

my muscles in my legs have relaxed after 25 years locked up.  healing can only happen in relaxed muscles.  I'm releasing the family poisons.  everyone I ever was close to confessed their toxic sins to me, made me the keeper of their secrets.

I'm eating salad.  mayo makes it good.  this is similar to when I was bed ridden but I'm not physically sick only spiritually.  and I can eat.  

I'm reading of Ernest Holmes and Charles & Myrtle Fillmore and listening to infinite you tube Louise Hay.  so good.    

Cupertino library- life ins and Vote mailed

I stopped thinking and judging myself, going one step at a time.  literally one foot after the other.  stopping and resting.

Louise Hay Christmas I no longer need to do everything to live.  I was threatened so much by mom, Aiko, dad I never knew my life could have joy.  could be restful.  

I drove to mailbox WF on De Anza.  feeling OK I bought salad krab at SV Safeway.  I asked about checking gift card balance first told no then clerk asked if Safeway and checked all 3 good.  still OK I dropped overdue Sunny book.  home 11.  

krab salad balsamic diced can peaches.  

St Justin $20 Target+$50 Safeway I feel loved-Sunny 29/60

I used to love driving.  now there are so many bad drivers it's a battlefield.  more work.

I've been listening nonstop to Louise Hay healing sorrow.  I'm feeling lighter.  New Behavior.  I'm taking what I need.  I'm filling myself.  

OMG I just realized how I've always suffered through Christmas.  I was always at the beck and call of others.  I always sacrificed my feelings for everyone else.  Thomas called to support him and I refused.  my abusing family.  

the food at seniors is awful.  there's nothing good.  the quality of food and water are terrible everywhere.  

I need inspiration-Sunny 30/60-Autistic Overload-SCAN, CVS OTC, ONE PASS

I don't want to do anything.  I don't want anything.  I accept Eric's sad life/death.  like dad's slow train wreck.  I still hurt.

I found Louise Hay on you tube healing sorrow.  she loves the unloved.  I'm judging myself not loving myself.  I'm whole and holy.  

I give myself permission to heal.  I release should ing.  

I looked at Evidence of Coverage Scan Classic 212 pages.  next Thursday is New Year.  

I'm still seeking my joy

I'm comparing hamburgers.  Jack or Car jr.  and the drives.   Halford B King gone.  huh, I could go to ECR.  just occurred to me.  

I dressed and sat in the car pondering I didn't choose to lose my parking.  I charged the car battery thinking and relaxing.  it was sprinkling the whole day.  

Toke and Walter

Toke dropped off snacks and extra senior lunch Walter got for me.  they love me.  

I'm still feeling blah.  

3 X pedicure-Sunny 30/61-Bartolo 1-3 pm

everything takes longer to do.  

I feel weird.  my body humming.  I feel warm.  I've felt cold all December.  

I'm watching Wodehouse Playhouse I haven't seen since the 70's.  

I opened beef packet.  I cooked potatoes.  

I watched Jeopardy and Wheel.  20 days and nights sick.  

one minute at a time-34/61 Sunny spot

once again I'm re birthing myself.  

I checked Sunny senior nutrition start requiring reservations January.  

SV hot spot 34/61.  County Mandy, Bride pick up by Sat 1/3.  

auto update

 playing with getting it to function.   yay! I did it.  

I know I should eat-BBT 2013 season 7

nothing I want.  I toasted a bagel topped with spicy tuna.  

Chuck Lorre talking of universal health care and possible pandemics.  2019 from Trump.  

The Heart Principle

masking burnout.  the hero deals with too many issues and over loads.  I think my lack of joy is from keeping myself contained for too long.  I'm still learning how to manage my autism.   

dealing with my grief over my family.  they can only love themselves.  anyone different is hated and feared.  

I have to eat

Yuck, nothing is appetizing.  I'm feeling paranoid Mits sent me a b'day card 10 days ago before I got sick.  

I toasted a muffin topped it with mild chili tuna.  yesterday I retrieved coffee tea from car.  so good.  

I called St Justin asking they mail me gift cards.  I don't know.  the old me forced myself to suffer.  family loyalty.  pride?  ego?  all I know is they insist I suffer.

reading Helen Huang I'm having an Autistic Exhaustion.  my nerves are worn through trying to fit in be what they want.  

I'm reading Helen Hoang

 I have enough energy to hold up a book.  HURRAH!!  

lucid dream of oldest son shot gun mom on stairs-Hiratas care package

I can't admit Aiko and Mits killed mom and dad.  it's keeping me weak and sick.  thinking about it hurts my back.  I know in the pit of my stomach it's easier to be sick than admit the truth.  having Mits crying to me when she doesn't mean it.  makes me sick.  

I've eaten an egg.  I hope I keep it down.  everything makes me cough.  my sore throat from my post nasal drip is better.  

I'm drinking the CBD water.  I finally found my car keys.  I didn't find Citibank bill I found overdue property tax I paid online with Disc.  so exhausted only a small bottle of water.  

I'm feeling weak only because of the weight of the family secrets.  

cancelled senior lunch called Toke

I always push myself.  I  can't do that anymore.  like staying attentive.  I must pay attention be aware.  Toke took couple days off when she felt tired.  I waited too long.  

6 pm I found her 1:30 call re her washer down and wanting suggestions to laundromat.  I called as she got home.  

still coughing paying bills Disc-cell-city

I'm thinking of Kyochan/Amy.  she always had a delicate way of doing things.  

still sick coughing and sneezing

still coughing

I went one day without coughing.  must have been the air conditioning.  the only respite is in the shower.  too much air pollution.  

Walter got me another extra fish.  and I bought a roast beef bag for lunch.  I feel so relaxed and calm I could sleep.  Ruben left another bag.  

so cold

after lunch I got gas.  it's too cold mornings.  my hands are chapped from the cold.  it's 55 degrees 66% humidity.  I'm out of practice.  I found my copper fit gloves to wear.  the egg salad sandwich was good.  celery and sliced red onion I could remove to cook later.  

it's been so cold I filled the gas tank after lunch.  too cold to go in the morning.  I've been using the heater and letting the car warm up.  19 mpg.  I went to dollar tree for cough med and 2 dinners, big burrito for b'fast.  

wow! lovely perfect 46 degrees 87% humidity

10:30 St Just choice of ham cheese or PBJ.   PBJ please with chips.  

I did my soak and stretch at seniors.  played on the puzzle at least 4 missing.  and at the library copy room eating, reading and relaxing.  

celebrating today!  

I have cough gel caps

I didn't think to pick up at the dollar tree and I already had.  thanks to Safeway monopoly I have tissues.

no Toke Walter remembered my b'day with assorted dark chocolates.    and I made sure I got extra lunch.  couldn't get our regular table, got bumped from Inge's table ended up with Ruben.  the ladies gone.  Joe the veteran tried to snake the pineapple I set aside for Toke on her place mat telling us he thought I gave it to him.  in his dreams.  Fred and Walter looked at me when I took it back.  I never argue with the stupid or insane.  it makes me stupid and insane.  then I gave it to Fred.  Joe loved telling Walter everything Walter is doing wrong.  when we left I suggested Walter adopting Joe, he declined.  progress not perfection.

sitting in library copy room so much better than out on the floor.  cozy listening to music.  I can charge everything on power strip r/t struggling with floor outlets.  I counted the chocolates.  OCD 16 dark, 17 darker, 17 salt almond.  

I left the library at 2:30 and picked up yogurts, 2 TV dinners at St Justin.  what timing.  home to take care of myself.  the cheese raviolis were OK, the hamburger was good.  

reading of Elvis Presley

he hadn't pooped in 4 months.  amazing his doctors did nothing.  just kept giving him more pain killers so he'd keep coming back.  

Ruben left his bag lunch outside so I gave him 2 milks.  

so lovely to rest at the library.  I puzzled an hour and the copy room was free.  I read.  then the dollar tree Christmas decorations.   shelves are stocked.  no presents.  I'll check the Sunny $ tree.  

I have a cold

Walter insisted he choked on his coffee.  Liar.  his brick in the wall to his happiness.  I wondered about his congestion.  oh, well my resistance will be up.  immunity.  

I'm starting a London puzzle from Sunny.  clear vibrant colors.  man was working on it.  

I picked up and redeemed for $7.58 including my cans and glass.  

last of turkey cranberry-paid life insure and Bartolo

I added to ramen b'fast.  watching Split Second I love seeing people win. 

I saw a lone parrot crying in a senior tree.  took off flying north west.

Marie button holed Walter upstairs after lunch.  I almost forgot to pick up hot spot from central.  I remembered I had to return the Secret CD.  I checked both out.  I'm sitting there and she gets a rabid look and says I told her he was having a hard time with his dad's death.  WHAT A PREDATOR!  trying to feast off his pain.  manipulate and control.  I told her no I didn't.  it's none of her business.  he's being normal.  she be crazy.  

my auto update stopped.  Marie Jinx.  Inge at lunch informed me her recycle is ready another Jinx.  

beautiful day!  63 degrees.  

Freaky Friday musical worst movie I've ever seen.  Alex Desert the only redeeming quality.  the music, lyrics, lead singers sickly sweet and stomach turning.  actually.  

I went to Sunny Sprouts walked store bought tomatoes.  I returned movie and hot spot, found Queen Latifah movie Bessie.  I stopped at Nob for salad mix and dinner.   home I removed some lunch bags to the garage for recycles.   

turkey, mash, cranberry b'fast-DD PERS 11/26

one more meal with ham and egg burrito.  

after everything I did this 4 day weekend I went to bed at 7:30.  I needed the rest.  

I enjoyed stretching despite my stomach hurting.  I thought my back would hurt.  the pelvic girdle.  relaxing helped.  

I stayed talking with Walter 'til 1 then considered if I wanted to go home or enjoy the library.  I returned Tina Turner.  I have 4 holds ready.  pick up tomorrow when I renew the secret.  

I checked my new Direct Deposit from PERS started 11/26 Wednesday r/t 12/1 today.  5 days early.