7*14*13-Pandora's box of memories

Had flashback of childhood humiliation.  Feelings of depression and futility.  Had my first flash of fear.  Kids have no concept of death only wanting the feelings to stop.  I've spent most of my life depressed. 

The transition from anger didn't happen.  I was depressed when I had no joy.

My earliest memories started when I had no vocabulary.  My depression just was.  My in utero experience was one of stress and frustration.  

My smoking started before I was born.  Dad smoked and mom lit them.  How frustrating to have her complain about his smoking and have her buy them and light them for him.  My insane family and their insane behavior.  And when questioned, mom said it was cheaper to buy cartons than by the pack.  Maybe he smoked more then, too.  She made him lazy by doing too much for him.

She increased his insanity by making excuses for his behavior.  And putting her seal of approval on it even when she knew he was wrong.  What's wrong with her??

Fleeting memories-so much pain

I haven't many conscious memories from my childhood.  Under hypnosis I could recall my childhood in excruciating detail.  Mom beating A and me too little to help anyone. 

Why violence makes me so angry.  And why I always made allowances for A.  And why I never told on her for fear mom would kill her. 

It's amazing how much pain a little body can hold without withering and drying up.  Dying.  No wonder I never liked being alive. 

Noticed how the default color is lighter than black.

Gaining clarity-yardwork

The Buddhist Chop Wood, Carry h2o


Woke 6:14am feeling anxious, took pflower.  Do something and the chemicals change. 

H2o'd plants and started weeding.  Remembered laundry needing fluff and fold.  Did that too.  8am was getting warm so closed up house.  Intrusive thoughts of mom saying if I'm so smart why aren't I rich and my reply money is not the most important thing to me and I realized m&d wouldn't let Aunty Katchan adopt me because they were jealous she had $$$$$ and she wanted me.  Money's always been the most important thing to the four of them.  So important, she couldn't see that allowing Katchan to adopt me would have given her carte blanche.  I asked her why she didn't give me up, and she made some lame excuse about dad not working and money being tight.  How lame is that.

So the scapegoating started.  I became everything bad and wrong in their lives.  Mom tortured me through A to distance herself.  She was still the root.  And that's why dad never did anything to help.  Sickos blamed me.

Decided to blog.  8am taco bell open so used coupon steak +egg burrito free with bev.  Got coffee, $1.19.  Showered off pollen, nu-stepped, stretched, blogged.

YES!!!

Finally figured out susan1 = child,  susan2=adult,  aspergersnext=resolution, Happiest=future.
That's why I have four blogs.

Miracles

The most obvious when God saved my life twice by avoiding head on collisions.  Once newark train trestle X driving and coast highway with nancy and rod me driving. 

Then living in Gilroy doing the Course in a year cuz it was so simple.  And now every day is a miracle.

SomeOne Loves Me-Smoke Again

Boston Marathon Bombings Monday Apr 15 and I was already medicated.  I started smoking again when Walgreen's had Bugler tobacco for $1.32.  It helped me thru cleanup and then on the news I saw the reports.  I was nu-stepping.  Too much violence. 

Then I watch Obama reply to the defeat of the latest gun control law.  I know how he feels.  Anger and depression, sadness that people put money ahead of people.  Their families must be low on their list of priorities. 

I wonder if their families get depressed being related to such money grubbing selfish animals.  No, even animals have higher morals.

So, yesterday I worked in yard for 2 1/2 hrs.  Feels better to get rid of chemicals.

I'm so much better.  My back is still unstable and I still wear the brace.  TYG

3/26/12-Almost One Year Ago Smoke and Quit Again

Smoked about a year.  And quit again.  Tomas has been wonderful helping around the yard. 

Two weeks ago Walgreens had nic-lozenges on sale.  So when I ran out of smokes I used the lozenges.  Didn't really think about it.  Been feeling too much to think.

Feeling panic, fear, doom.  The family heritage. 

Great dream vision of comedies fraught with crises.  I don't want comedy I want a new form of life.

PEACE   AND   PLENTY!!!

Still Here-Hear

It's like summer today.  87*  and I'm hot, sweaty and functioning.  I'm playing with the icons at the top and the program does funny things. 

The first sentence was normal changed to heading with pink and green and for the second sentence I changed the setting to subheading and the color disappeared.  I spaced for this paragraph and this is the result.  OK, trying it again.











P//Again it won't let me double space paragraphs.  I can go back and adjust it later if I want. 

I wonder what I would have been with a different homelife. 

P//I can still be it.  I'm sure I wouldn't have been  anything outlandish and that I can still fulfill my dreams when I find what they are.

I love the crazy things it does.  It's so harmless and spontaneous.  I clicked heading and the paragraph above lost color and allowed doublespacing. 

Minor heading.  Added color. 

I spaced and lost all color.  Added back.  I'm worth it. 

I deserve the Best!!